- Friday Mar 18, 2005
This was my wedding day "You May Now Kiss The Bride". It may sound corny but since dh and I have been struggling lately I thought it would be important to think back to that day - to how excited I was to become his wife and to all of the reasons that I feel in love with him.
I am going to write him a note today listing some of those reasons... there are so many. For Valentines' day I did 101 reasons and gave that to him and I honestly could have done 1001 but my fingers started to cramp :)
Whatever our "issues" our I really do have to believe that with God and with honesty we can get through it.
- Friday Mar 18, 2005
As odd as this sounds I think that dh and I really NEEDED that fight yesterday. So much got out in the open. I wish that wasn't the way it happened but I"m glad that it did. We both seemed to feel so tired out (mentally) last night but we laid and held each other and fell asleep and both woke up with a much better outlook. He actually just called to thank me - he got the insurance taken care of and he said that he needed me to push him on it. I let him "take care of it" for 11 months and it didn't get done. It's tiring sometimes having to make sure he gets things done, but he said he appreciates it because now all 3 of us will have health insurance.
We talked a lot about the baby issue. He really doesn't want another baby ever. I was really shocked about this and it still hurts to know that I'll never have another child. I worry about Mak growing up as an only child. I feel sad whenever I think about it. I guess though, it's probably better for me to live with some sadness then for me to push him into it and then have him regret it. I'd rather have sadness then have a baby whose father wasn't ready. I know that he wasn't ever going to be ready for Mak and when she came he really freaked out and left us for the first 2 years and I guess I'd rather not have to do that again and be a single mom to TWO kids. I guess that things have worked out the way that God meant for them to be and I should just count my blessings.
I'm aiming to make today a very positive and healthy day. My buddy and I are working out from 5-6 and we are both very excited about it. We've both had a trying few days so it will be nice to work some stress off and chat at the same time. Dh promised me he'd be home in time for me to go at 5.
I have a lot of kids this afternoon but it's suppose to be nicer out so I hope to take them over to the playground for 1/2 an hour. Some fresh air will do us all good and I have everyone's hats/gloves today (their moms finally remembered to bring them!). The baby's carrier has a cover bunting thing over it so she will be warm & I'm sure that a bit of fresh air will be good for her too, her mom (my workout buddy and best friend) said she'd appreciate it actually.
I woke up 1/2 an hour early to pray - I need that time to pray and focus on God and ask him for help. I always feel complete when I make the time for him first. I had a very healthy breakfast and have a GREAT healthy dinner planned (salmon, brown rice and steamed veggies with jello) so it's just a shake and some fruit for lunch and a healthy snack and I KNOW that I can do this today.
We go to Fort Wayne on April 9 - not too many days until I have to wear a swim suit (hotel pool) in front of about 30 of dh's friends (yikes) so I HAVE to stay focused from here on out.
- Thursday Mar 17, 2005
Wow - my little "good" roll has really taken a bad bump. Today was a very bad day. Eating wise hasn't been a problem, I've been too busy to eat. However, dh and I have had a horrible fight. It basically started because of the insurance thing. Long story short: his company won't insure me. I have NO health conditions. He has insurance for him and our daughter. When we were married last May they kept putting off adding me. Finally after TEN months he said that they needed to add me and now they said that they won't - that he's only eligible for the "individual plus 1 child plan". I think that this is a bunch of bull. How do THEY decide what we are eligible for? Plus, IF that is the case why did it take them 10 months to tell us. I think that they are just trying to save themselves a few bucks. ANYHOW, I am obiviously upset about it. Dh has worked hard for them for 20+ years. The starting wage is $8.50 an hour yet he's still not clearing $10 an hour and now they decided this. ANYWAY, that wasn't the fight. The fight started because I said that I worried about how we'd have another baby without insurance (since it wouldn't cover me or any additional children for him). Our whole relationship we've talked about having another child. Today he told me that he'd never have another child with me, that he's getting too old and he hoped I'd give up that idea. He said it as if it were just up to him. I guess really it is but it upset me. I felt very sad at the idea of not having another child. I am blessed and happy, I could live a happily ever after with just the 3 of us, but I did have the yearning to have another child and to give dd a sibling and since we'd always talked about it this really hit me out from left feild. I'm kinda tired of always being told what is going on. I hoped we could sit and really talk about it. I'm not interested in swaying his opinion - I just want to know how serious it is, and I want to know how he feels and why.
Background info: dh is about 10 years older then me. This is hardly ever an issue except that lately he's talking so much about his age. He's 38 so perhaps it's from getting closer to 40? He doesn't want to have another child when he's nearly 40 (he tells me today).
Well, as most serious conversations go - it turned into a big fight. I'm not even sure how. I was pretty calm this time (it's usually me who is overly emotional). I know he'd had a bad morning at work... I hope that is it but he just JUMPED all over me. It was crazy. It was hard since I've been trying so hard the past week to be so kind and thoughtful and he just pounced on me. I literally laid on the bed curled up into a ball and cried and he left. I pray he's coming back but I don't know. He told me that I'm like a little puppy dog - that when I get backed into a corner I just fall apart. He's right. Shoot, I've been left so many times I just can't go through it again. I'd do ANYTHING at this point to keep the peace and to not fail. This is my second marriage and I'm not even 30 yet. My mom was married 3 times - in my heart I lost 3 dads, 3 set of grandparents, etc.. My mom kicked me out when I was 13 and then as an adult she left my siblings one night (they are teenagers now but were 11 & 13 at the time). One night she told them she was running to the store and she didn't come back for 3 years. Yes, I have some abandonment issues. And you know, he KNOWS that so he always threatenes me "if you do that again, I'm leaving". I always beg him to stay and feel pathetic. I should just calmly say "okay, goodbye". I wonder if he'd really leave? I'm afraid he would.
Please don't get me wrong - we don't have a horrible life or marriage. We have a lot of good days. We haven't even been married a year, maybe we haven't figured it out yet, BUT it seems that the arguements are a matter of just not fighting fair - we haven't figured out how to work things out and how to avoid the nastiness. I hate nastiness.
So, my workout partner and her man had a HUGE fight today too, she called me bawling and is going to stay at her mom's tonight, dh isn't home for me to go work out - I don't know when/if he's coming home, he's turned off his cell phone. SO, I don't think that the workout is happening, but since I'm so flipping out I am going to really focus on cleaning tonight. Cleaning makes me feel like I at least have some control over SOMETHING.
I have a lot of kids tomorrow (4) so I have to get it together and focus on my work and getting things ready tonight. I can't let this derail me.
So far today I've had 1 apple so my first task is to prepare a healthy dinner for dd and I and just do my best to not do the starve/binge thing( NOT eating is really bad for me because it's usually followed by doing nothing BUT eating). I am going to make a salmon steak with some brown rice and veggies and some lime green jello for dessert (green for St. Patty's day).
- Wednesday Mar 16, 2005
Okay, well I'd love to sign on and say that I've ate perfectly today but that has not been the case. However, I did NOT binge. I have not gone crazy. I did get up and do a 30 minute workout (aerobic dance) and when we went out to eat for lunch I chose an item from the applebees/weight watchers menu so I'm proud of that. I'm in a little funk today - feeling kind of down and I'm not sure why. I imagine part of it is from the binge last night but I also feel kinda tired/down. I haven't had anything "bad" happen today at all - actually it's been a nice day so I'll just chalk it up to one of those days. It's rainy/cloudy and that probably has a lot to do with it.
I have really decided to stick with 165 as my weight goal. That has been my goal for 2 years, however, as I've approached it I've dreamt of going lower. I think that when I started to think of going lower (150's) I started to get discouraged because it took my goal farther away, so I need to get back to just taking it one day at a time and celebrating each pound.
Dh and I are doing so much better lately though - I've put fourth a lot of effort to be kind. This a.m. I got the kids around and took dd to school without even waking him up and then came home and turned on sportscenter and made him breakfast. In the end it has been returned to me - maybe I don't get roses and wine or sleeping in, BUT he helped with one of the kids for a few minutes so I could wash my hair (without me even asking him to) and he vaccummed without me asking him to. For him to just do those things is very new and very kind. It was nice to spend the day with him.
At the grocery store today we ran into a lady I use to babysit for. She said she misses having me so much and wishes that I had a spot for her kids. I really don't - I'm legally allowed up to 5 plus my daughter and that is what I'm at (not all at one time of course) and to be honest it's all I want - I like to really have a lot of one-on-one time with each of the kids and want them to have space and time and I couldn't take more, BUT it's so nice whenever I hear of a parent and the kids missing me. Little "A" (I don't want to mention any of the kids' names) just grabbed me and hugged me. She's gotten so tall! It's hard to see all of the kids growing up - she came to me at 2 years old and now she's in kindergarten. It's hard to think my own baby will be in kindergarten next year. :::Sigh:::
So, today is not great, it's not bad. I'm NOT giving up. I appreciate all of the kind words of encouragment!
I have to babysit for a friend tonight and I really should have said no because I am NOT in the mood after doing child care for work all day. I think that dd is sick of having kids here too, so I am hoping to keep it low-key and do something I never do like rent a movie or something. I think that I just need a teeny bit of "mom" time. After all is quiet here I may bust out my scrapbooking bag and do a page or two or maybe paint my nails. I just need a few moments to recharge and a good night's sleep.
P.S. I did some SUPER healthy grocery shopping today :)
- Tuesday Mar 15, 2005
(Slimfast/Low - Fat)
Grrrr........... After that uplifting post and positive self-talk and a long rambling entry,I proceeded to go into the kitchen and eat a can of chicken (light), a few triscuits, a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and 1 piece of manicotti. A regular little binge. Grrr..
Adding it up that means I just added: over 1000 calories. In 1/2 an hour.
I am not sure why. I know that my calories/fat were a little low today. I really need to stick with the slimfast plan which means eating ever few hours (6x a day) and not try to be "perfect". BUT could just being a little low in fat make me go crazy in the kitchen or was it 100% mental?
I hope that this didn't set me back too much. For a few moments I just felt like giving up. I'm stinking 5.5 lbs away and felt like giving up. WHY? After coming this far why do I think that way?
I guess I get burnt out of failing. I mean - I get sick of tracking and I get sick of failing. I never get tired of the plan. I never get sick of exercise. I love the slimfast plan. I love working out. I just hate the days that I fail - I hate how they make me feel like a failure at life in general. I hate how one bite turns into a whole episode - a real pig-out. I want to be able to just be "normal" but to be honest I know deep down that my overeating isn't the normal - it's not the girl who just eats the wrong things sometimes or who isn't active enough - it's a real binge eating. Tonight really wasn't bad compared to what I would have been like 1 year ago.
I will NOT give up. Geez, who gives up when they are only 5.5 lbs away from goal? I could be at goal by the end of this month if I just STAY FOCUSED!
- Tuesday Mar 15, 2005
(Slimfast/Low - Fat)
When I first woke up and stepped on the scale this a.m. it read "169.5". I almost screamed - then realized that my huge toe was hanging off and figured I'd better double check. "Double" checked 3 x and got 170.5 all three. I am still excited - I'm only a big toe away!
Today went well for eating. I logged every bite, fought some serious cravings (peanut butter - I just had 1/2 tbsp in the end and counted it). I do NOT "outlaw" any foods from my life - I allow everything in moderation, and my peanut butter is the natural and is actually very good for you - but it was a craving that was after I'd ate my meals and was not based on hunger. I'd rather having my peanut butter as a sandwich when I"m hungry then "just to eat". So I did good.
Here are my numbers: Calories: 1357 Fat Grams: 24 (kinda low even for me which may be why I was craving the peanut butter) Fiber: 37
I should have had more fruits & veggies, I only had 4 servings so I am going to up that tomorrow but overall it was a good day :)
As far as the excercise......well..... I turned off my alarm this a.m. and overslept. At the end of the day I was making my 94% f.f. popcorn and turned on the t.v. in the lazyboy and of course it was on VH-1 (I am addicted to VH-1) and they had "100 Most Wanted Bodies". Now HOW could I sit and eat popcorn and watch that? So I got out my exercise ball and 5# weights and did the SELF CHALLENGE workout cards while I watched - I did the 10 moves each 2 sets of 15 reps and then my additional 60 ab curls. I felt it - especially doing the ab work on the exercise ball.
Then I lounged and ate my popcorn but with a clear conscious :)
It's amazing to me how I feel when I'm eating well. I feel powerful and confident. Dh & I have been doing so much better since I really started to focus on it.
I did have some usual stresses today. One thing about my job: I LOVE LOVE LOVE the kids. I NEVER have problems with the kids. If I have a problem with my work it's the parents. One parent showed up 1 1/2 hours late with no phone call (I charge hourly but still it's quit rude to be so late and her daughter was really worrying about it). Another mom sat here for over an hour after pick up time chatting. Granted I love to chat but my own daughter needed me. I finally just said that she needed to go because we were leaving which is a big fat lie but I needed to get to MY family. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my job - most of the time the issues I have are based on my own passiveness (yes, I know that I spelled that wrong) which is another area to work on. It's a minor vent - really the day was good and I'm so blessed and have so little to complain about!
Tommorrow is the day that dh is home during the day YEA! I'm excited to see him. I am going to get up and do my 1/2 hour cardio tape and then if the baby is asleep while he's home and our daughter is at school I am going to go to the fitness center to work out for 1/2 hour also. The baby's mom is my very best friend who said she doesn't mind at all if I do that (she knows dh very well, I don't do that with any of the other kids). I hope that works out well because then I can get in a whole hour and will probably be able to get in a long workout on Thursday too. I'm so addicted to that fitness center. I can't wait for it to have 24 hour access so I can go early a.m. before dh leaves for work. Right now it's only open business hours which is not very convient considering I work business hours myself and when I'm not working I still can't take dd over there so I need someone to watch her. It should go to 24 hours soon.
Oh man am I rambling or what? I guess I'm just excited -- throughout this whole journey of losing 75+ lbs so far I don't think that I've EVER made it 4 days straight on plan. I've always had a few on, a few off, a few on, a few off and luckily it's worked out to still lose a few. I know that I won't always be doing "perfect" but I am very excited to be able to say "four in a row".
I think that this diary is REALLY helping - I feel accountable here. Granted I have my dietminder, but no one but me reads that. I also log my workouts for the SELF CHALLENGE but I've quit that every darn year - lol - this feels like a place where I need to check in daily and that is already helping me SO much. Who wants to log on and write "well, I overate today". So I think before I eat ;)
Thanks for all of the nice comments - it is nice to have some cheerleaders in my corner :)
160's here I come...............
- Monday Mar 14, 2005
(Slimfast/Low - Fat)
Oh I so llllllooooooooooooveeeee this website and diary. I really have to thank those who are reading and leaving such nice comments. I really feel like this is keeping me in the right direction - it's such a great forum to just get it all out and off my chest and yet still make some friends and recieve some support. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU.
Today ended up uneventful and I ate well again (whooo hoooo). I admit that I'm having a few extra cravings tonight but I am feeling a little tired/run down so I'm going to take a long hot bath and go to bed really early. Sleep can only help :)
So here are my totals for today: Calories: 1428 Fat: 32.5 g Fiber: 30.5 Exercise: 30 minutes of yoga, 60 ab crunches (variety of types)
I also just realized that I may be entering the 160's soon. Wow. It's been so long since I've seen 160's. When I was in my early 20's, late teens I was VERY fit. My whole life I'd been ultra thin but then my senior year of high school when I moved in with J (my first husband) I gained a few pounds and it freaked me out. That is when I really started to work out and get healthy - I became a certified personal trainer and majored in sports medicine. Talk about extremes. But I got very cut - very fit and it felt great. I was in the 160's then (but a much smaller size then I am now since I had more muscle and less fat). Then when we married and moved here to Indiana and life started to get tough in personal areas I really started to put on the weight - almost 100 lbs in less then 1 1/2 years.
When I met dh I was in the low 180's (that was on my way UP in weight), he loved me to 250 and now back down so it's neat for me to realize he's never known me this thin. 160's will feel so good. According to BMI I stop being "overweight" at 169 - 169 is acceptable. I think that the day I see 169 I will probably cry tears of joy.
I can barely beleive that I'm almost no longer "overweight".
Here I go.......
- Monday Mar 14, 2005
(Slimfast/Low - Fat)
Okay, back to the day to day. I woke up and did yoga this a.m. for 30 minutes. It's that show on Oxygen - "Inhale" and I really enjoy it a lot. It can be tough for me but the music is so upbeat and fun that I enjoy starting my day that way. I have to end it at 6:30 (so I only do half of it) because my first kids start coming at 7:00 a.m. and I also have to get my daughter around for school, hubby up for work, etc... I always figure that 30 minutes is still better then none and I enjoy that little bit of time to myself in the a.m. I am then able to get dressed before the kids come (getting dressed and ready for home child care work doesn't take me too long - lol - jeans, t-shirt and brush my teeth and I'm ready).
I sometimes struggle with Mondays so I'm on the defense. I think it's a bit of lonliness. On Sun night - Wed a.m. dh works 2 jobs and we don't see him at all. Not once. So each Monday I get pretty lonely for him and I also have to switch gears to get back into kid mode. Today it's so cold - less then 10 degrees so other then taking Mak to preschool & back I don't plan on doing much. Mak has a light cough so I imagine we will spend the day doing resting things - I am going to plan some crafts, coloring with her and just play with the baby and 2 year old.
I am going to make this a positive day! I started with prayer and yoga - you can't get much better then that :)
I'll post my daily totals tonight or tomorrow a.m. for sure. I WILL stay op today. I will be positive with dh today. (I woke him up by rubbing his feet). I will be positive with the kids today (they are so darn loveable that goal isn't ever hard at all).
- Sunday Mar 13, 2005
(Slimfast/Low - Fat)
Okay - two great days in a row. I'm really proud of these past two days because we've been eating out a lot and have been much busier then usual. We usually hang out at home so much but dh kept me on the go yesterday. We ate out for lunch and dinner (VERY odd for us since we are saving $$ for the house but dh won a bit on a lottery ticket and spoiled us - AND saved some of it too). Well, I was proud because I chose Subway both times and counted the calories, skipped the cheese and sauce. I don't care - Subway is so darn good it doesn't need cheese.
Then tonight my best friend and I went down to the bar where dh bartends. Okay just to note: I NEVER drink. I have never drank in my life. I am 28 years old and the only bar I've ever been in is the one where my hubby works and it's a really laid back bowling alley bar. I usually don't go out but dh really wanted me to - I've only been there 2x in the past year. It was really fun. My friend ordered a lot of fried food. This is a bowling alley bar - not known for healthy fare - so I was SO proud that I ordered a grilled chicken breast and asked them to just put it on lettuce and tomato rather then with cheese and a bun and then I brought along my own little packet of low fat salad dressing. I drank about a million diet cokes which I know aren't the healthiest but sure beats drinking. It wasn't even hard tonight watching them eat the the cheese sticks and stuff. Usually that is SO hard for me. I don't know how but somehow I got on this little roll. Plus that chicken was good so I was happy.
So I have some totals for the past two days:
Saturday 3-12-05 Calories: 1510 Fat Grams: 22.5 Exercise: 30 minutes on the exercise bike, 20 minutes some intense lower body and ab toning
Sunday 3-13-05 Calories: 1478 Fat Grams: 32.5 Exercise: Danced around the kitchen with my daughter for 30 minutes steady - maybe not a typical workout but we had a lot of fun and used spoons for microphones :)
I really made an effor to be very kind to dh this weekend. Oh my gosh what a difference it has made! I would catch myself thinking about how much I was doing for him but I'd say to myself "stop" and think about all the things he does for me. It was one of the best weekends we've had since we were married and all I did was hold my sarcastic remarks and give him a back rub. I started to think about all the little things I'd do for him before we had our daughter and how I never minded then. I know that once I became a mom and with my child care profession I spend a lot of time and energy giving love - so by the time he comes home sometimes I'm just burnt out. But I realized that I can't let him go without - he needs my love and affection and the ONLY way I'll get that from him is to give to him first. It may just take finding my own ways to recharge - like going out tonight with my friend or spending a few dollars on myself. A lot of what I do I make myself do (keeping a spotless house, etc.. - - he could pretty much care less about how clean it is - I put those standards on myself).
I just wanted to share that it really did feel good. I got more hugs and kisses in return and that felt great. It was our first time really connecting in months.
I just need to keep on keeping on - with all of this - to turn it into a real habit!
- Saturday Mar 12, 2005
Well, I already messed up my goals. I didn't write yesterday, I ate horrible and I didn't work out. To be 100% honest though that is NOT normal for me. I do usually eat well and work out. Yesterday was a very weird day. On the weight loss front it wasn't positive and this a.m. I was up a bit from the water weight. However, in my personal life I accomplished a LOT yesterday.
Since my weight has become less of an issue for me and my eating has become a bit more a habit I've been doing so much soul searching. I think that for the past 7 years I just focused on the outside and on the things that I felt that I could really control (my calories, my weight - the numbers). I think that I focused on this to really take the focus OFF of some real issues that I have. Issues with my marriage and my self-esteem. Right now I'm givning these issues a lot of my attention.
Last night was the first time in 9 days that Dave (dh) and I didn't argue. I really sat back and looked at myself. I'm always blaming him, criticizing him, but last night I took stock in how I treat him. I realize that for the past few months I've played score keeper. I've been so worried about what all he DOESN'T do, what all he does wrong, etc.. and I've totally skipped over all the good in him. To be honest (and it hurts me to admit this but I must) if I criticized my daughter or friend like this they would be outraged. But I've been treating my own husband pretty badily. I've been into that "oh I do it all" mode. My husband works two jobs to support his family. He's always taken care of us. I don't know for sure WHY it is but it seems that ever since we married last May I've acted as if he has to spend every free minute latched on to me. It's MY insecurities and MY fears and not based on reality. I have spent my lifetime having some very severe abandonment issues and I've pushed that to the background to obsess about my weight but the truth is that as soon as I start to open up about the real issues and fears I'll be better able to take care of myself.
So, I've done a lot of journaling. I spent a good evening with him. I made a very real goal of not criticizing him all weekend. I would catch myself making some smart remark or commenting on him watching basketball last night but I'd stop myself and instead of nagging I just got a magazine and sat next to him.
I'm also reading Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. WOW. If anyone hasn't read that yet they really should. It is really changing how I see things and making me realize a lot. Even if you are't married or dating- READ THIS BOOK!!!
We went and got my diet minder book last night, it finally came in and I'm SO excited. So, now I'll be able to post my daily totals and I'm really really motivated to just "get this done" and get into a maintance log (I already saved pages for logging during maintance - I'm THAT sure that I'll make it there and stay there!). See, my AWESOME husband drove me to the book store in the snow to get this book and even bought it for me :)
So, look for more entries - at least something each day!
Today will be good - I'm going to the mall with a friend and her 2 year old (that I babysit) and my daughter and it should be fun. I don't usually do things with friends. Heck, I never really had friends before. I think that my daughter getting older and making friends combined with a bit more of an outgoing personality since I've lost weight has really helped. I now have TWO great friends that I've grown closer to over the past 6 months. She wanted to go out to eat also but I smartly suggested the food court since there is a subway :) I can track that easily and already looked up what sandwiches are lower in calories but sound great :) That way my daughter can eat healthy also since her grandma fed her a bunch of junk food yesterday.
I am also going to hit the fitness center at 5:00 today when dh gets home. I will do 30 minutes cardio (hopefully the treadmill if its' open but if not then the bike) and then 30 minutes of lower body weight training and then of course my abs.
I'm ready...I'm ready...I'm ready...
(P.S. for my diet minder book I also have to take a current pic so once I do that I'll add it here too).