Hmmm. Been awhile since I've been here. I've been doing well. Today I entered information on FitDay.com and found out I don't eat very much. And that my basic activity without regular organized exercise is enough to burn more than I eat. I am going to start walking and lifting though. I need to so I can be ready for the marathon in May. I'm either going to buy a decent scale or go to my mom's more often to weigh myself. I should probably just buy the scale! LOL Gf keeps asking me how much I lost and I keep telling her I don't know. I doubt any and she's convinced I've lost some and she says I know I have. Well, we'll see, I guess. Maybe I'll go to Walmart tomorrow just to get out of the house and get a new scale. I'll see what I have time for. Anyway that's about all for tonight. I'll start entrying in the mornings again and get back on the right schedule. God bless.

Good morning everyone. How are all of you. I'm doing okay. I've been busy making things for Christmas. So far I have scented rocks, cinnamon bundles, and Smelly Jelly made. Coffee mats and heating pads have been started with the help of my sister since she sews better than I do and I have pinecones ready for scenting. Actually since I don't have many pinecones and Duaine says he needs them for school, I probably won't be doing any of those until next year. If he leaves me any, there won't be enough to try to do. So I'll save them for next year and hopefully I will get out earlier to collect them and get better ones. I'll have to be sure to bring a bag with me when I walk because I walk by where the best pinecones are. I just hope the old lady doesn't mind me picking them up since they are at the end of her driveway.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. I hope everyone has family or someone to be with. God bless.

Thank you, Legcramps, String Bean and Penguin for you wonderful comments. I know that I shouldn't worry about what my mom and sister are thinking. Honestly I don't even care what dh thinks. But he did take away a lot of responsibility from me which maybe I should be glad for but it made me made because to me it meant he had not faith or trust in me. He even said he would NEVER trust me. But then the other day he called and said he does trust me with everything. Okay whatever. He told me a lot of things. He said he would never again get mad at me for crying and I should tell him when it's his fault. Yeah, 13 years of getting yelled at for it isn't going to be fix in one statement. I don't know. He's always so nice and so sincere when he's gone. But when he comes home its all different. I saved every reciept and wrote down everything I didn't get a reciept for so far from this last check. I'm going to keep doing that for all of them until I get tired of doing it or until he comes back next year. I just feel like I have to. She kind of offered to help but said it was really none of her business. I told her I would welcome her help but it would be hard for her because she's so far away. I now have a schedule for paying things off and all bills listed that I have to take care of. I'll get it done.

I have most of my Christmas shopping mentally done. But I just now realized I probably need to get something for my soon-to-be siblings. I don't know anything about any of them. I think I'll make a list of questions for my dad. That's another 5 kids- and I do mean kids! They are 11, 14, 16, 18, and around 20- not really sure how old the oldest is. I just found out his name! Something for Mom's boyfriend's son would probably good too. Maybe I'll just do gift cards for them. I better make a list. It's starting to overwhelm me! Who said my parents could get divorced anyway! And then get together with people who have kids!! What are they thinking?! Really it isn't bad. I had just never thought about all the extra Christmas shopping. It's the first Christmas that my dad has had someone. I have some inexpensive ideas.

I'm going to work on getting some exercise in other than cleaning my house. I have been doing a lot of that- bending, walking around, reaching, makes a good warm up! Those kids make a mess in a hurry. So here I go. God bless.

Hello everyone. I've been absent a week or 2. I've been doing okay though. Other than the chocolate my eating has been good. Exercise, well, that needs work. I did decide something. And that is since I don't usually stretch or warm up before I walk, I should probably do my weight video and then walk. The reason being there is a warm up there and lots of stretching of every part of the body. This will probably work better. I'm going to move my treadmill to the living room again too just because there seems to be less trouble out there for the babies and hopefully will make walking with them around easier for me. I should say that I have been moving around a lot getting and keeping my house clean. For a few days I didn't do much of anything because I was feeling overwhelmed. I just slept a lot and did almost nothing. Then gf asked me if I was depressed (she could tell something just talking to me online). I thought about that for awhile and later told her I was more overwhelmed than depressed but I certainly needed to do something about it so I've been working really hard on not being sedantary at all and getting done all the things that needed to be. There are things that have had to be done and redone a million times because of the babies but I have been doing it. I do feel a little better about things but there are things I still have to work on. Finances has been one thing that has been getting to me. I had hoped to be able to pay things off faster. Then dh had such a fit wondering where all the money was going even though I told him and mom worried because she was afraid I was doing drugs even though there were no signs of that. Her boyfriend even made excuses to check (he checked my ankle and my back for tattoos the last time I came back from my gf's house but what he was really looking for was signs of drug use). Gf is afraid they are doing that because when she came to visit the first time and met everyone she had bad bruises on her arm from giving blood and lab work she had done just before coming up. But they haven't said anything about her to me or to my sister that I know of. But Mom did call my sister and ask her what she knew because all Mom could think of was that I was gambling or doing drugs. Oh, please, Mom. I have never done either in my life and I certainly don't plan to start now! So where is the money going? We have a lot of bills that weren't getting paid before. Now they are. We weren't making it on our incomes from our jobs. Now we are with the military income. So now I'm keeping every reciept and writing down everything that I don't get a reciept for so everyone can see that I'm not gambling or doing drugs. I really am paying bills, buying food, and all that stuff. It upsets me that I have to prove myself like that. But if it will help everyone relax a little bit...... I guess that's all for today. God bless.

Okay, I didn't walk yesterday. I spent 4 hours talking to gf on the computer, went to Kevin's Verteran's Day program, posted on message boards and answered emails, went to parent teacher conferences for Duaine and Andrew and then made dinner. By the time we ate it was 8:00. At 9 I spent 2 more hours talking to gf. Even the only house work I did was washing a few dishes while dinner was cooking. My house is a wreck. Today I have to fix it and get a walk in sometime. At least I can say my eating was mostly good. I'll tell you all tomorrow how I did today. God bless.

Good morning! I did my weight video yesterday just like I said I would. Today I'm going to walk. I have to do it on the treadmill so I hope I don't get too bored. I'll put in a good movie for Mickey and me to watch so I'll have something to occupy my mind. Maybe it will work, maybe not. My treadmill isn't flat so it's hard sometimes to stay on it. I sweat so bad too. But I'm gonna try. My nephews made sure my treadmill didn't measure distance anymore so I'll wear my pedometer. I'm hoping I can go 5 miles but that takes me forever. We'll have to see how it goes. Eating was very good yesterday and I hope it will be today too. Fruit intake will be down though so I'll have to deal with that. Or when I'm out today I'll buy some. I don't have much money though so it won't be a lot. Monday though I'll stock up and hide about half of it so the boys don't eat all of it. I had to hide the cereal I bought. The boys leave too much milk in their bowls and then leave it on the table and it's more mess than I want to deal with. So I told them I wasn't going to buy it anymore. But I had to have some so I got some and put it in my closet. It's been much better since I stopped buying it for them. They have other options and they like to eat at school anyway. So it's all okay.

I guess that's all for today. God bless.

Good morning all. My eating hasn't been really great but it has been good. I may have to go to the store for fruit. Hopefully I can get enough to last til Monday when I can do some real shopping. Most fruit I can't keep in the house so I might have to hide my share of it. I'm also going to do some research and start trying some new fruits. Since vegetables make good snacks I should probably try a few new things from there too. I have recently, different kinds of lettuce and squash, but should try more. I live in a small area so sometimes our selection isn't as good as it is in bigger cities. But I can at least try what's avaiable. I have my planners all ready to start today and everything. And, yes, exercise is included on there. I AM going to do my weights today. But I need to do laundry first. My treadmill is going to get a lot more use as well. I'll use my pedometer to measure the distance because my nephews made sure my treadmill wouldn't anymore. I guess that's all for today. God bless.

Dh is at the airport and will be boarding the plane back to Mississippi soon. It was a tough visit with some fighting and crap. I did the best I could but it's never enough. He complained that I didn't seem to want him around. I said that all he did was tell me what I hadn't done or had done wrong in the last 4 months and didn't tell me one thing I had done right or well enough. My point being why would I want him around if that's all its going to be. And you know he still didn't tell me what I had done right? I will never be good enough for him. I know have at least one year to improve on myself and decide what I'm going to do when he comes back from Iraq. I did tell him while he was here that I didn't need a man. He didn't agree of course. I told him that if anything happens to him I wouldn't go looking for another man. He said I should find someone to "complete" me. Like I need to go through all this again. I'll tell you it feels wonderful to be able to write again without worrying about who's looking over your shoulder.

I talked to gf this morning. She sounded very sad but she couldn't tell me because she had to go to work and that wouldn't be a good thing if she cried and let out everything she was feeling before work. Hopefully she will tell me later. I feel so bad and am a bit worried about her. I hope she will be okay.

Today is the day she and I start eating better. We have at least 30 pounds each to lose. I listened to my What Would Jesus Eat? audio book and I got my planners ready to make copies of from my Lean and Free 2000 Plus book and I just had some french toast and turkey bacon and will have an orange and some water as soon as I'm done here. I'm going to do weights today, I think and yoga with Kevin later- now that I can have the tv again at night. Tomorrow will be a walking day.

Okay, I have to go now. I'm so tired but I have a lot to do today as always. I will try to rest but I need to get things done. God bless.

Linda, I couldn't find an entry for you so I will respond to you this way. Yes, my dh is always like that. Always has been. Why 5 kids? The last one wasn't planned. And I don't know. I guess it was my intent to always stay no matter what. I did move out once and he went back and forth between begging me to come home and calling me nasty names. Then the army called. He's been gone 4 months and is currently home on a 10 day leave. He's leaving on Monday and in a few weeks will be overseas. He'll be gone at least a year now. In the mean time I have made myself pretty depenant on him and his income by quitting my job to try to make things easier one the boys. To make things easier I on me I have been to St. Louis, Missourri to meet 3 online friends for the first time (one from my state, one from a neighboring state, and one from near St. Louis, then I went to see the one from my state and the one from near St. Louis again and the one from my state was here twice and my boys love her to death. I call her my gf now. I have never been out so much and it's been wonderful. Yes, dh knows all this and doesn't seem to have a problem with it. He knows we are planning other trips as well. This separation, though I wouldn't wish his tour of duty on him, will be a good thing. He complained that I had never been out in the "real world" and all that so now I'm out. I've taken the risk of meeting online friends and travelled a little and plan to do more. He said the real world was where people are out to get you but he has MAJOR trust issues with everyone. If I had been the perfect wife- taking care of the kids, keeping the house spotless, working a fulltime job, working miracles with the checkbook, and whatever else, he still would not have trusted me. That's just the way that is. When this year or more is over we'll decide what needs to be done, I guess.

And to who wanted to know why he would train me not to cry, because if I cried it was because he did something wrong and he didn't want to take the blame or responsibility or whatever for it. Everything is my fault, you know.

Anyway, yesterday I did my long walk. It was supposed to be 13 miles. I only did 10 and my back and hip are just not right. I've been limping since before I finished the walk. I walked from my house to my church which is in the next town. Before I got to my church I tried to call home but my cell phone didn't have enough battery power. I didn't bring any change with me and most places, if they have a phone, it's usually a pay phone so I walked to the church because I'd be able to call from there. Instead a girl was just leaving from there and she drove me home. I told her I had walked too far to be able to walk back. I also had not eaten anything before I left and I should have. I asked dh if he thought I should but he was crabby for some reason and then I argued with him and left mad. No stretching or anything. So now I'm paying for it. I might walk today anyway from my mom's house. At least a little bit. My phone is all charged up so if I go too far and need someone to come and get me I can call.

Monday I'm reajusting my diet again. I need to get rid of more white flour and sugar and add some other things that are better. Dinners are fine and so is breakfast when I remember to eat it. It's lunch and snack I need to fix- dessert too. My gf and I are going to lose 30 pounds together. She says she has more but I don't think she does. Anyway, that's the plan for that.

Well, I have a lot to do in the next couple hours before I go to my mom's so I have to go. I need a shower and I'm planning to bring a meal up there. Hope you all have a great day. God bless.

Thank you so much for the comments. I'd give anything to cry until my eyes were puffed shut and my nose stuffed. It would sure feel good to be able to do that. It's so frustrating.

Well, I didn't walk yesterday. I couldn't because either we were gone or he was gone. I didn't do any other exercises either and I don't have an excuse for that. I could have done it but I didn't. Too lazy or depressed or something which I means I REALLY should have done it to try to feel better. Tomorrow I'm doing 13 miles though, even though I'm not sure we are going to do the marathon in May. It'll get me out of the house for a few hours and I'll be by myself. I do hope we go. I'd like to see all the girls again- especially gf but I really want to see them all. It'll be like Missourri all over again only we'll be in Indiana.

Well, I have to go. Dh is still sleeping and it sounds like Liam is causing problems again. I'll try to sneak away to write an entry again tomorrow morning. God bless.