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Donkey - Sunday Jan 28, 2018
(Reduction of processed carbs & wishful exercise)
Weight: 130.5

Well, I suck.

I went off the deep end last night.  I can't recall if I was truly hungry, but I was having a yearning to eat.  The problem started with having a late lunch on the road, coming home from the band competition.  So I was hungry at around 7pm but nobody else was.  Also, I was missing my son something terrible.  We haven't heard from him yet.  We thought he'd be able to call home on Friday, but here we are on Sunday and no phone call.  I hope he's not mad at us.  And I hope he's OK.

So I was missing my son, and I am tired of having his good-bye cake staring me in the face at the dinner table every night this past week, so I had a slice of the cake.  And then another.  And some of his favorite Oreo cookie ice cream.  After that, I wanted a proper dinner though, so I had an Italian beef sandwich (with cheese - which I never do).  But then I wanted dessert, so I had more Oreo ice cream, with whipped cream and sprinkles.

After that, I was full.  Way full, but not painfully full.

I'm not so upset with myself for eating so much, as I believe that it's probably a good thing to have a day where I eat more, to keep the metabolism jumping and guessing.  And Saturdays are my "relax" day as far as eating is concerned.  As I was eating the cake and ice cream, I was reconciling with myself that I was truly saying good-bye to my son.  Not that we won't see him again, but that the boy that left this week is gone.  He will come back a man, and everything has changed forever.


What I *AM* upset about, though, is that I am not happy with the numbers on the scale and yet I go and do this.  Now where is the logic in that....

Progress as of today: 56 lbs lost so far, only -6 lbs to go!

bearcountrygg on 01/28/2018:
In my little world I call that a food fit!!!! I know for me it happens at times of anger, frustration and helplessness..

You are absolutely right...your son will come home a man and you will really enjoy the changes. I'm sure he is just fine, he's learning a lot of new things right now and they want his full attention...but it's hard on parents for sure.

Donkey on 01/28/2018:
I never even thought to consider that I would enjoy the changes in my son the next time we meet - wow! That's my "glass-half-empty" thinking... These patterns are so hard to break <tsk, tsk>


Maria7 on 01/28/2018:
I get disgusted with myself at times, too because I am a 'stress-eater'. I use food to comfort myself when going through extra stress. Try to tell yourself that you deserve a treat and allow yourself the peace in that. It is not easy to let go and trust that all is well but ask the Lord to give you peace about it and I believe that He will. He sure helps me.

Donkey on 01/28/2018:
Very good guidance - thank you :-)


happy-1 on 01/28/2018:
Oh, honey. Big hugs.Sounds like a perfectly good reason to go off the deep end. Your boy is still there, just gets wrapped in a new layer of bark like a tree.

Donkey on 01/29/2018:
True! I guess he can't stay little forever, can he?


horn_of_plenty on 01/29/2018:
Good luck to your daughter !!!!....you have a lot of emotions going on bc son has left - try to get back to your feeling better and eating better. - these feelings will pass....


horn_of_plenty on 01/29/2018:
You are going to be ok - get rid of the cakes.

Please focus on you a little more - the trip I'd have a hard time also - burning a lot of calories being out and on the trip and walking around and socializing. - maybe next time seriously bring a snack for if you get hungry ?

But please concentrate on you now - do something for you and try to get back to your routine ....

I def see where you are coming from with our son and I am very sure it's difficult but instead of being so sad - try to connect his training and being away with being happy ....for him

Donkey on 01/29/2018:
The cake has been moved to another room. I should have thrown it out. I think tomorrow I will do that. Everyone but me has forgotten it.

I do think of him every morning as I struggle to get out of bed early so that I can workout. I know he has to be up at 4:45a. I struggle at 5:30a! And I get to sit on my bike, watch TV, and have a cup of coffee! -- Not exactly an accurate connection :-)


horn_of_plenty on 01/29/2018:
regarding your other comments to my entries, i think REST days are ok...just wish that we had more days off to do that haha....always things to do, even myself LOL.



Donkey - Saturday Jan 27, 2018
(Reduction of processed carbs & wishful exercise)
Weight: 130.5

Gained 2.5 pounds. Not happy.

Taking a road trip today to see my daughter perform with the high school band at the state competition later this morning. It is sure to delight!

Progress as of today: 56 lbs lost so far, only -6 lbs to go!

bearcountrygg on 01/27/2018:
Have fun today!

Donkey on 01/27/2018:
It was wonderful! It took more of the day than I had expected, but the music was wonderful. My daughter's group did really well! And it was nice to spend time with my husband and my daughter, before she leaves us soon too...


Maria7 on 01/28/2018:
Try not to stress about the gain during this winter season. You've come a long way.



Donkey - Wednesday Jan 24, 2018
(Reduction of processed carbs & wishful exercise)
Weight: 128.0

Went back to work, although I was still feeling like a Zombie...  My heart wasn't really in it, which REALLY helped me keep a PROPER and HEALTHY distance from my involvement in the files.  Also, not having my heart into my work helped me appreciate what my co-worker did while I was away, as she covered my emails.

It was so dead last week, but the 2 days I was out, it was like crazy-busy, and everyone wanted everything NOW.  Seriously, people -- it's real estate.  It's not a trial, where your personal freedom is at stake.  It's not surgery where your health/life is at stake.  I felt so bad for my co-worker, even though she was one of the backstabbers in December.  So a couple of things I said to her, that I think helped:

  1. "While we don't do it this way, you had a difficult situation and you made the best of it.  And the important thing is that we close the deal, and you've made that happen."  AND
  2. "I'm so sorry it was crazy like that.  I swear it was so slow last week, I honestly didn't think there would be many issues for you to handle while I was gone.  You did so well - thank you!"

This is awful to say, but it seems that in order to keep my sanity, I have to be less invested in producing a better work product.  Otherwise, I get so uptight, upset, and stressed, so that while it's done correctly, I'm a mess and nobody likes me.  That sucks.

Anyway, trying to be more intuitive at dinner.  Must work on eating slower, I think.  I think that will help me eat less.  Trying to stay away from the leftover chocolate cake.  I didn't do so well yesterday.  Had 3 small slivers after dinner, even though I wrote about the cake here in DD right before dinner.  Tonight, made myself a cup of decaf.  That will hold me.

Goals Progress:  I bought my next color for my hair.  January was "dark brown", and the next box is "soft black".  Still sticking to a dress pallet of navy, black, and gray -- makes getting dressed in the morning SO much quicker and easier.  Keeping up with my daily Gratitude diary.

But I need to add a temporary goal for the end of this month and February, to stay at 128-ish and not let the stress and sadness overcome me and creep back into the 130s.

Progress as of today: 58.5 lbs lost so far, only -8.5 lbs to go!

happy-1 on 01/24/2018:
"This is awful to say, but it seems that in order to keep my sanity, I have to be less invested in producing a better work product. Otherwise, I get so uptight, upset, and stressed, so that while it's done correctly, I'm a mess and nobody likes me. That sucks."

I know exactly how you feel... but a company rarely has more than one badly done deal/project in them. The second one kills it.

Do you ever read fail blogs?


bearcountrygg on 01/25/2018:
I'm glad that you were able to praise your co worker......hopefully that changes both of your feeling towards each other...the work environment is so important.....and we all need all of the allies we an get.....makes going to work a lot easier. Also it does help adjustment when kids leave home to remember that they are starting a whole new life of being adults and it's exciting and scary for them too....and one day.......you and hubby will have the entire house to yourself...and that's a GOOD THING!!!!!


horn_of_plenty on 01/25/2018:
one thing - on the things you said to your coworker...you said "i'm so sorry it was busy"...well it's NOT your fault. try not to apolgize for anything that isn't your fault...keep confidence....maybe talk more later. :) welcome back to work. now it's time for you to take care of you, now that your son is away. and write him. you can even write him while you are at work and mail from work - if this is more convenient for you. short letters. tell him to keep his head up and the first part of the training i believe is the hardest, mentally.



Donkey - Tuesday Jan 23, 2018
(Reduction of processed carbs & wishful exercise)
Weight: 128.0

Today was the Big Good-Bye... to my son.  I know he'll have a tough 6 weeks ahead of him.  The house seems so empty without him...

So YES, I did take care of myself today, and did not go into work, even though I could have gone in for half a day.  Instead, I let myself just relax and settle into the quietness of the day.  My husband took a long nap; my daughter had to work.  So I watched TV, did some crosswords, rode my stationary bike...

Last night, I did resist the leftover chocolate cake and Oreo ice cream we had from Sunday's dinner, but I did not do so well with dinner itself, eating too much spaghetti with meat sauce.  I curbed my desire for dessert with a cup of decaf coffee with flavored creamer.

A couple of folks here have talked about looking forward to gummy vitamin supplements as a "treat" -- oh my goodness, I thought I was the only one!!!  In the morning, after I exercise, I have 2 gummies for hair/skin/nails.  At night, I take 2  fruit-flavored Tums (for calcium) and 2 melatonin gummies.  Sometimes I REALLY look forward to these "treats".   I also take glucosamine tablets, one in the morning and one at night, but those are swallowed whole, so that's not a treat.  I thought the glucosamine would help with my knee/back/hips, but I can't say that I've noticed much improvement or change.

Progress as of today: 58.5 lbs lost so far, only -8.5 lbs to go!

bearcountrygg on 01/24/2018:
Have you tried turmeric capsules for the joint pain....that is really helping us. They are't any fun...but less pain is a lot of fun...LOL

Donkey on 01/24/2018:
I will keep that in mind. Thanks!


horn_of_plenty on 01/24/2018:
if possible, try to keep in touch with your son and tell him to stay mentally strong...to not give up on the 6 week training...i can't even imagine doing it now....my cardio i aim to improve starting NOW...even if just once a week, i'm walking on weekends and keeping in mind i need to start now, not later, even if now isn't multiple times a week....

anyways, i'm sure his training will be very tough, he must keep his head up especially at beginning where it's more a mental game.

Donkey on 01/24/2018:
I have a mailing address for him now, so I will be writing him letters on a regular basis. I was thinking of him this morning, as I struggled to get out of bed to workout. I thought of him at lunchtime when I was taking my walk. If he can do it, so can I.


Maria7 on 01/24/2018:
Good you got some rest.

Donkey on 01/24/2018:
Yes, good sleep is so important for me. Taking the melatonin helps me fall asleep easily. Maybe it's all mental :-)



Donkey - Monday Jan 22, 2018
(Reduction of processed carbs & wishful exercise)
Weight: 128.0

Very hard...

Overindulged with a good-bye dinner on Saturday at the restaurant.  Had a mint fudge sundae for dessert, too.  Then last night, made a cake and had ice cream, too.

Now I find out that we're going out to breakfast before we take our son to the recruiter's office... which I agree with, so that we're not worrying about lunch during all of this.

I've got some things going on hormonally -- cycle is way off, skin is breaking out. Probably stress...  Just have to get through this day, this week... 

Progress as of today: 58.5 lbs lost so far, only -8.5 lbs to go!

horn_of_plenty on 01/22/2018:
lady, you must find it hard to part with your son. this will pass and when he is at training, make sure to take the steps to get back on track...this is why.

i'm sure you are very stressed about your son leaving for training. remember you need to take care of YOU....i think what might have been doing on is your wanting to take good care of your son and you stopped thinking about you...also, if you are indulging in cakes, maybe next time do not make cake? unless your family really wants it...lol...

Donkey on 01/22/2018:
Oh I wanted him to know how much we celebrate him in our lives.... Trying to stay away from the desserts tonight.


horn_of_plenty on 01/22/2018:
or have one slice and throw the rest of the cake away that nobody eats right away....or give cake away at work...the rest of it.

Donkey on 01/23/2018:
We might end up throwing away the rest of the cake...


bearcountrygg on 01/22/2018:
I feel so bad for you, as parents...we raise our kids to someday be adults...and when it happens it shocks us...somehow we feel that maybe we aren't done raising them yet...BUT...He thinks you did a terrific job!!! Thinking of you...I've been there...and we all survived.

Donkey on 01/23/2018:
I'm wondering why my friends who have dropped off their kids to college didn't warn me how hard it is :-)


horn_of_plenty on 01/22/2018:
I really agree with bcgg


horn_of_plenty on 01/23/2018:
Yeah throw it out - it's not gonna benefit you now



Donkey - Saturday Jan 20, 2018
(Reduction of processed carbs & wishful exercise)
Weight: 128.0

I seem to be stuck at this number...

This is the last weekend with our son before he leaves for boot camp.  Monday is the day we take him.  Tuesday he departs.

Progress as of today: 58.5 lbs lost so far, only -8.5 lbs to go!

happy-1 on 01/20/2018:
Hugs.


Maria7 on 01/21/2018:
Hope you are having a good day.


bearcountrygg on 01/22/2018:
Hugs......but he is doing what he wants to do....and you can be happy for him even though you hate to have him go so far.


horn_of_plenty on 01/22/2018:
gooooood luck to your son, this is exciting times. tell him to stay positive and focused! tell him to push through and to know it's hard but to keep on!

maybe once your son is gone you can go lower. how tall are you?



Donkey - Sunday Jan 14, 2018
(Reduction of processed carbs & wishful exercise)
Weight: 128.0

Had a lot planned to do this weekend, as far as working around the house, and it seems as though mopping  up the floor is just now too much for my back to handle.  So I spent about 30 minutes icing my back and now will rest for the remainder of the day.

I had the planned the following:

  1. Clean all 4 toilets in the house.
  2. Mop basement floor
  3. Sort through and dispose of leftover latex paint -- according to environmental guidelines 

This is what actually happened:

  1. Toilets did not get done at all.
  2. Finished.
  3. Incomplete:  TOTALLY OVERWHELMING.  There are an unanticipated total of 30 -- THIRTY -- cans of paint that have to be dealt with!!!  7 of them are practically empty so I can deal with them. 16 have too much paint in them to dry up quickly, so I'm trying to see if the drama department at the high school wants them.  Otherwise, the fuller cans, I will see if I can give away online and the others I will have to dry out the paint.  5 cans I'm keeping for the next owners.  2 are undecided.

Oh I just realized there is ONE MORE can of paint in the basement that didn't get brought up.  THIRTY-ONE CANS OF FREAKING PAINT!!!!

This is making me feel very anxious...

Progress as of today: 58.5 lbs lost so far, only -8.5 lbs to go!

BearCountryGG on 01/14/2018:
Do you have a cat? I think you can dump kitty litter or even sand or sawdust in them...I think that is what we did....or...I believe Michigan has sites or maybe it is counties..have sites that take paint ( possibly 2 times a year) and they use it in county offices..you can probably call your county about that....we had about the same amount of cans to get rid of...we did leave a couple that we had used recently for the buyer....this house interior is 100% pine boards..wall, ceilings etc...so no more painting for us...hope you can get rid of it all!


Maria7 on 01/15/2018:
Hope you feel better.


horn_of_plenty on 01/15/2018:
Oh.....the hamster was left in my apt bc I was literally back and forth with my dad everyday so I just gave it extra food at first bc I didn't know how long I'd be away and the water gets changed only 1x per week


horn_of_plenty on 01/15/2018:
Backaches are like the #1 pain producer for folks- your back pain may also be telling you to relax as you are :)

My dad was complaining his back hurt this weekend - but was still exercising - his pain mustn't have been very minimal.


horn_of_plenty on 01/15/2018:
I mean his pain must have !!!! iPhone typos


Maria7 on 01/19/2018:
Hope you have a good day.



Donkey - Saturday Jan 13, 2018
(Reduction of processed carbs & wishful exercise)
Weight: 128.0

Weight did not budge this week. 

 I wanted to post from work yesterday that "B*tchy co-workers make me want to eat less" but I couldn't remember my password to this site, since I'd have to log in from my phone.  Doesn't matter -- I ended up eating most of my snacks anyway.  Got into it with my 2 co-workers again.  The Impossible One (lady) started on me, and the guy sitting next to her was like, "Well, since you don't want to help..." to me.  I said, It's not that I don't want to help, I just don't want to get yelled at.  So now, no more helping, since it will only get me yelled at.

My dear husband, though:  I texted him on my phone about what happened and he was so supportive.  Now that he is no longer working, he doesn't have his own work-drama to stew about and can be there for me.     I didn't dwell on it though; I told him that I'm just going to focus on my own well-being and happiness with my family.  Instantly made me feel so much better.  This was a "must add" to my Gratitude Diary (New Year's Resolution #3).

Speaking of New Year's resolutions, I would like to add that for Resolution #1, that includes, not only wearing more black, but navy and gray will qualify under this category as well.  This is working very well for me. 

There's been some discussion about "sneaky eating" and I realized that it is THIS that has me so bothered about last weekend's indulgence while watching the movie:  Hiding the wrappers!  It was hiding the empty Chex Mix bag and the empty marshmallow bag that freaked me out.  So even though it was planned eating, controlled, etc., the thoughts and behaviors around the eating is what has me so bothered.  My husband was in the room, on the computer with his headset on.  I guess I was hiding my eating from him.  Painful memories of past behaviors/problems. 

Anyway, I have another chance, because my daughter told me that she wants to watch the movie with me - which is fine by me. I love Fred Astaire's dancing!  I can re-do the memory and establish positive thoughts and feelings, rather than the ones I've been carrying around with me since last Friday.  And so for today, I am grateful for second chances.


 EVENING UPDATE:  Daughter bailed on me for a sleepover, LOL -- which is perfectly understandable and OK with me.  Not that I won't miss spending time with her, but I completely get it. 

Progress as of today: 58.5 lbs lost so far, only -8.5 lbs to go!

BearCountryGG on 01/13/2018:
Sneaky eating is weird...it is US...projecting someone else's opinion on what we eat....they may not even care....but we are feeling guilty because we feel like we shouldn't have had it...and we don't want anyone else to find out...you would think that we had committed a crime or something.........I think that hiding proof of eating is even a problem with people that aren't watching their weight, D said that when he had guy friends up to hunt ( I was taking care of my parents then 4 hours away)...they would all sit down and eat meals and no one seemed to be concerned about quantities or types of food......but if they wanted a snack between meals they all would either grab something sneakily and go eat it outside or as they stood by a window....and I have seen D stand by a window looking out eating something that is not good for his diabetes......so apparently the guilt mainly comes from eating someone else's food or eating something that they feel judged for. I had found a plate of bread broken in pieces in a foster daughters closet when she was 10...she was already concerned with her little girl thighs. She was horrified that I had found it. I can say that I never hid wrappers until after D mentioned that I was getting a tummy....then it was closet eating for ever after that and the odd thing is that we will be judged for everything our whole lives and the only real opinion that is important is our own...and we are doing ourselves more damage in more ways than one by hiding eating....maybe we should just PROUDLY put those wrappers where everyone can see them....LOL....but then everyone would want some too....LOL...and less for us...maybe greed is the 3rd reason...maybe we just don't want to share!!!!


horn_of_plenty on 01/14/2018:
I saw you wrote to I think graind about being colder this winter bc you are thinner - yeah I am sure that is the case - just dress Warmly jdonk with scarves around your neck and layers ! Stay strong ! At work when I return I may have to make sure I at least stand up every half hour.


horn_of_plenty on 01/14/2018:
Keep up your positivity :-) you are doing a good job and your entry here overall is very positive ! Please don't ever let the nasty coworkers get to you! It seems in life that the big mouths tend to get what they want over the nice folks but don't let it be your case! Actually you said you aren't letting it happen this time - gooooood!

With the hiding of food - remember how far you've come and everything you've learned in this process of years of weight loss ! You are better now and learned so much ! Me too!

You have a lot more knowledge now - the negative memories may linger but be happy you are no longer in that place !!!! I sure am so happy I am not in the lowest of places either when I was at my highest- almost 25 lbs larger and that's a lot of weight to gain in only 2 years which is what i did both times I gained weight itbwas fast without any thought - sorry if too much info please tell me ?

We are beyond these points now - we know what to do to be more moderate and make it work out ..... your memories are there but will lesson as time goes by - I had forgotten lots till thinking about lunch own self just now



Donkey - Wednesday Jan 10, 2018
(Reduction of processed carbs & wishful exercise)
Weight: 128.0

Had a lovely lunchtime walk today - and tomorrow will be even warmer!  (Then the cold and snow comes back...)  I walked the whole lunch hour and then ate at my desk. 

Tried coffee flavored Kombucha today... I think I could get acquired to other flavors, but not the coffee flavor.  Too bitter, but I'm so glad I got the chance to try it for free!  

I really enjoy wearing more black at the office.  Cuts way down on my decision-making process in the morning. 

Spent most of my day listing to sitar music at my desk. I never realized how relaxing listening to the sitar is for me.

My husband had a lot of medical tests today.  His workplace knows now that he's not coming back to work.  I often feel that I'm a by-stander in my own life, just watching the changes rolling by and I'm quite helpless to interfere.

Progress as of today: 58.5 lbs lost so far, only -8.5 lbs to go!

happy-1 on 01/10/2018:
Hugs.



Donkey - Tuesday Jan 09, 2018
(Reduction of processed carbs & wishful exercise)
Weight: 128.0

I know that some of you have been having sleepy days lately, but I don't know what happend to me today:  woke up sooner than expected and had tons of energy (once I got out of bed).  I was able to finish my workout early, so I ran for a mile on the treadmill.  Adding a mile is something that I wanted to do as a 2018 goal, but then reconsidered, as it might not be something that's required EVERY day.

I am working on graduating from a protein shake breakfast to eating real food.  So I have substituted the 12 ounces of almond milk and scoop of protein, with 1/2 cup of oatmeal (not instant), 1/4 cup of walnuts, and 8 ounces of same almond milk.  Seems to be working for a weekday breakfast.  Weekends are different.

My lunchtime walk was wonderful!  Not only is Chicagoland getting a little warmer (feels like early Spring!), but I found a new street to walk down with lovely houses to look at and admire - like an entire new neighborhood to check out!

Later in the afternoon, one of our notoriously toxic clients came in, and I was so happy that all I had to do was greet her and ask her to have a seat.  After that, my other 2 co-workers got stuck dealing with her, and I got to leave -- on time!  I think I was smiling on my way out the door!  That is when I realized what effect toxic people have on my well-being. 

I get that we all have our quirks, every one of us is carrying his/her own burdens, etc.  And I'm not sure that  my workplace is any worse than other workplaces -- in fact, I'm pretty thankful for what it is, because it could be much worse.  And I thought about our toxic client: she's not mean or nasty, but she just saps all of the happiness and energy out of me with all of her personal drama that really has nothing to do with her real estate transaction.  Thank goodness she came in at the end of the day so that her visit didn't infect my mood for the rest of the day.  Thank goodness I'm not related to her -- see, again, could be worse!

And on my way home, I visualized a wall switch, and turned my workday "OFF".

No WONDER I gained weight working at this place.  I used to eat chips and chocolate to self-medicate through this cr*p.  I have to learn not to take such matters to heart, I think. 

Progress as of today: 58.5 lbs lost so far, only -8.5 lbs to go!


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