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Donkey - Wednesday Jul 28, 2010
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 157.0

Just logging in my weigh-in for the day.

I broke my walking streak yesterday.  It got too outside before I could get in a walk and then I had a sinus headache in the evening.  It was terribly humid outside yesterday.

So hopefully I will start a new streak today.  This morning was my last morning of ESL classes (where I volunteer), for the summer term, so I was unable to walk this morning.  I will take a short walk around the neighborhood this evening, weather permitting.  I usually take it easy on weigh-in day.

I'm so sick of summer though.  I welcome some cooler temperatures.  Not cold, just a wee bit cooler with not so much humidity....

Progress as of today: 11 lbs lost so far, only 22 lbs to go!

moogy on 07/28/2010:
Lots of people don't understand the whole sick of summer thing, but I do. I hate summer, I am dreading summer, I don't enjoy spring because it leads to summer. OK I will get off my soap box now - but I know how you feel. Just to breath cool refeshing air, too feel a cool refreshing breeze. Will August be hot where you are or does it start cooling down earlier than the east coast?


Maria7 on 07/28/2010:
I LOVE the fall, but am thankful for the summer at the same time. Next month the scuponong grapes will be coming in and I am looking forward to that! As for the summer, I think the humidity is the MAIN THING about summer feeling so extra warm. Anyway, I hope you have a good evening. Just hang in there. :-)


Moody3 on 07/28/2010:
Summers in WV are horribly hot and humid~specifically July and August~when I get off work at 7 in the morning, it's already humid out~and in the upper 70's usually, so I totally understand the whole "can't wait for summer to be over thing"~

Hope it cooled off enough for you to get out for a nice walk this evening!!


V on 07/28/2010:
I hear you girl! Here it is either hot or hotter! LOL


WI3 on 07/31/2010:
I agree, I've had enough of this hot humidity LOL I think it is great how far you've come. I take my hat off to you!



Donkey - Monday Jul 26, 2010
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 159.5

Still walking, still drinking water, still watching portion sizes, for the most part.

Lately, I eat and it sits heavy in my stomach.  I was thinking about this during my walk this morning.  While it is "full" almost to the uncomfortable, in some ways, it is comforting too.  This is very odd.  I know that when I say "full", it is not because I have eaten too much, because LOGICALLY, I know the content of what I have eaten.

Then there are --- or rather, now I can say "were" --- times when I felt that no matter WHAT I ate, I could not get to that point of feeling full.

I think this goes hand-in-hand with my recent bouts of feeling (not) fat.  This is quite different for me to be experiencing, after years and years of a dysfunctional relationship with my physical self.

Since I am currently unemployed, one of my biggest passions is ESL literacy advocation.  I love to help beginning students in ESL classes.  Not so much the advanced classes, where they are more comfortable with English -- or at least not so afraid to try -- but the very beginners who seem to be floating adrift in a world of English.

THESE are the people I want to help.

Anyway, I was helping in this one class for nearly a year, when this other lady started helping out too.  I could not help these feelings of competation with her, even though, LOGICALLY, I knew that there was no reason to feel this way.

She is retired. Her husband is passed. Her children are grown with children of their own. She lives in an apartment.  So she has quite a bit less than I do, at this present time.  And yet, she has more freedom, in some ways. So of course, she is going to be able to volunteer more because she has more free time.  I have my children, my house, my husband --- all of these things to tend to.  I think I was feeling resentful, yet, again, LOGICALLY, knew that this was irrational.

And she would say to me how happy she was with her life, how "full" she felt.  Between her ESL work and her work with the homeless and the health clinic (for those disenfranchised), she was content.

So I'm wondering if my feelings of "full" and "not fat" are somehow a sign that I am headed in the right direction.  I think I am.  Yesterday, during my walk, I told myself that I am not doing this to achieve some vanity goal of thinness or numbers on the scale or cardio minutes.  No, this time, I'm doing this because it's what I need to do to become a better person.

But thank God for that Logical Self, because she's the one that keeps me in check!

Progress as of today: 8.5 lbs lost so far, only 29.5 lbs to go!

moogy on 07/26/2010:
It is good that you are doing all this thinking and analizing, I think it is part of the journey. Eventually, we work it out and come out the other side feeling happy with ourselves, who we are, and what we are despite what weight we are. Keep thinking donkey, you will get there.


V on 07/26/2010:
Well said! We all find ourselves here for many different reasons but figuring out how to fix our outer shell and inner self permanently takes time love and patience. We are right here with you :)


Umpqua on 07/26/2010:
That's a great attitude. I think we need to listen to our inner voices a whole lot more - if we just pay attention and listen, the answers are often right there inside us!


Horn_Of_Plenty on 07/27/2010:
powerful entry! :-)

everything you are feeling sounds wonderful. Our bodies do tell us and give us signs when we are treating our minds/bodies well! Apparantly, when we take our time, take small steps, and try "a little less," it works out to our benefit a little more!

Between the months of feb-april, maybe even January, I was headed in a very positive direction. I was losing weight, almost 10 pounds. It is when we try to take the little steps that everything works in our favor. The moment we get greedy, want to much too fast, that's when the ball stops!

So keep on keeping on! :-)



Donkey - Saturday Jul 24, 2010
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 159.5

Trying to stay current and accountable here on DD...

I don't feel as fat as I am.  I feel as I felt when I was in the mid to low 140's, but I know that I am in the mid to upper 150's.  This is what I weighed when I was in high school -- and felt fat.  This is what I weighed after Baby #1 (after all the hormones settled) -- and felt fat.

Not only FELT fat, but WAS fat.

But now, even though the numbers are the same as they were back then, I do not FEEL this heavy.  I know I am because I'm in a size 14 (sometimes, 16).  So I am not as I was when I was in the 140's (size 10-12) or 130's (size 8-10). 

Last week, I did the minimum 20 minute walk around the neighborhood most of the days.  This week, I have been trying to extend myself and do a little more.  Yesterday, I mowed a big yard in really hot weather.  Then I came home and went for my 20 minute walk.

This morning, I went for a longer walk, and I plan to get in another short walk tonight.

It is my hope that a couple of days of double workouts will help bring better results on the scale this week.

Progress as of today: 8.5 lbs lost so far, only 29.5 lbs to go!

loveray on 07/24/2010:
every small gesture in the right direction helps. wishing you lots of peace and love on your journey:)


just42day on 07/24/2010:
Good for you for being so consistent w/good activity. Yes, I'm in the Chicago area too. Weather's been horrible. More rain for most of next week. Oh joy.


Maria7 on 07/24/2010:
Be careful about being out in hot weather. You can become dehydrated easily and also get heat exhaustion quickly. Don't do that. (I learned.)

You're really doing well getting to your goalweight.

Very interesting entry. Also, I shop at the thrift stores, too. :-)


moogy on 07/24/2010:
Isn't that weird, I always think I am attractive, sexy and showing off what I have got. The reality is I have lots lots more than I should have but it doesn't seem to affect how I feel about myself. With all the exercise you are doing I am sure your body will soon match your what your head feels You go girl.


don'tstoptrying on 07/25/2010:
I totally understand about not always "feeling" fat even though the fact is I am. For me I know I'm just so use to this body it's comfortable for me and even though which I know sounds crazy at times can even be a comfort. Right now thankfully I'm fully am aware of how bad I look and feel, but there have definately been those times when I've been just as overweight as now and seem to feel comforted by it. I'm sure a psychiatrist would have all kinds of things to say about that! lol


biscottibody59 on 07/25/2010:
Keep posting, keep walking! Do what you can to not lose ground--things may turn at any moment. We know the weather's gonna change--gotta work as well as possible with what's in front of us:-)

Happy Sunday!


Moody3 on 07/25/2010:
Doing a great job getting your exercise in!!! Fantastic Donkey!!!!


just42day on 07/26/2010:
thanks for checking in. You're doing so well with your walks. I'm sure you'll start to see and feel great results soon! Keep up the good work!



Donkey - Thursday Jul 22, 2010
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 159.5

Feeling slightly more on track today.  Truthfully, I did not lose weight because I did not put forth the effort.  That is to say, I did what I could under the circumstances of stress I am under. 

While I did not plunge into food or alcohol to sooth my nerves, I was not entirely careful with portions or choices.  So I have only my efforts to blame, which is fine, because then it makes sense:  Didn't lose weight because I didn't try hard enough.

What's really maddening is when you do all the right things, bust your donkey at the gym, drink tons of water, abstain from any treats --- and then you don't lose anything.  Or worse, you gain a couple of pounds.  *chuckle* I've had that happen to me so many times....  This time, doing that is not worth it to me.  But I do have to put forth a little more self-control if I want to see some progress on the scale.

I have taken up knitting again, to help with my anxiety at night.  I stopped in the middle of a project I was working on because I was running out of yarn for this particular item.  I guess I didn't think it was worth the $4 for another skein of yarn, but now I have decided that this money must be spent for my peace of mind.

A lot cheaper than therapy, anyways...

Progress as of today: 8.5 lbs lost so far, only 29.5 lbs to go!

don'tstoptrying on 07/22/2010:
You have a plan and your worth it, keeping our hands busy really helps when we food junkies want to soothe our emotions. I know how you feel about feeling like your doing everything right and still not seeing results. I learned about paying attention at W.W. to our BLT'S (bites, licks and tastes.) I realized I was tasting more than I thought, so those of us that don't lose quickly or easily we have to be vigilent about everything we really are eating. I'm glad to see you posting again. Keep it up you can do it!


Umpqua on 07/22/2010:
I like the idea of knitting at night! I often work on my projects at night too to keep busy and stay away from snacking. I hope you have an excellent day!


skinnygrlwithin on 07/22/2010:
Thank you!! If you dont mind me asking whyd you leave????


moogy on 07/22/2010:
Busy hands = no food in mouth.LOL


V on 07/22/2010:
We all hear you!! I am probably the most impatient person you will ever meet.I was really excited when I began my diet,I lost 11 lbs the first week,6 the next,5 and now when I have a 1 lb week I get all crazed. I must learn that it takes time



Donkey - Sunday Jul 18, 2010
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 159.5

Feel like quitting...  Been really really hard to get myself to do ANY cardio the past couple (few?) days.  I don't get up early enough, so that when I am finally ready to face the world at 9am, the sun is already out, blazing away, heating up the humidity....

Most days it's very hard for me to get out of bed.  If I can at all afford to sleep in, I do.  Then I oversleep.  So I sleep some more, until I realize that  I have no other choice than to get up and try to live another day...

 

Progress as of today: 8.5 lbs lost so far, only 29.5 lbs to go!

V on 07/18/2010:
Please don't give up! You are doing great as far as your weight loss...It is funny how impatient we are when it comes to losing it.It is an everyday battle.Maybe if you find something really fun to do like Zumba, spinning class or kickboxing. I have a stationary bike, Ab lounge and weights at my house and I don't have an excuse not to workout, however I have to mix it up a little by going to the gym. Sometimes I walk up to CVS instead of driving there.Stop beating yourself up would you. Just remember you always have us for support!


Horn_Of_Plenty on 07/19/2010:
Donkey! What!? What's up here. Don't quit. Do it for you, your kids. When you feel this way, STOP! stop for a moment, and make yourself think of something POSITIVE. anything at all positive. You need to stop the negative cycling whirling around in your head because it is destructive. So you must try to distract your negative thoughts with something much lighter...something positive. you have to!



Donkey - Thursday Jul 15, 2010
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 159.5

This week's weigh-in was not so successful.  Up 1.5 lb but I expect GREAT numbers next week.

Three reasons for this week's weigh-in:

1. Salt cravings took over night before weigh-in;

2. Portion control on salty food went out the window -- stress eating or mindless eating -- just lost count of how much I was eating.

3.  The ol' TOM, which seems to get worse as I get older.

 

So the combination of all three factors -- I was sunk.

The weather has been unbearably humid in the Chicago area. If I don't get out there and walk first thing, I can forget it.  Today there was a breeze, so I was saved, but still very sweaty when I was done walking.

Then later, I went for a bike ride with my daughter (10).  I love to do this with her but so many times she's playing outside with the neighbor kids. So this was really nice.  Plus, it's a nice change of pace every once in a while.

I've been doing well on the water too.

I just have to keep thinking positive and looking forward.  It's been really really really hard lately....

Progress as of today: 8.5 lbs lost so far, only 29.5 lbs to go!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 07/15/2010:
hi! you are doing well - this was a great entry. it's good to see you not give up and actually say you are looking foward to next week's progress. so many of us on here usually stick to the immediate present, so that's nice to hear you are looking ahead, positively!


Horn_Of_Plenty on 07/15/2010:
my TOM was worse than normal a few times this past year. I'm hoping it doesn't continue to get worse! hopefully better. I bet that if I were to eat healthier and lose weight, it would be better. LOL.


loveray on 07/16/2010:
good to hear from you and glad to hear you have such a positive outlook. hope you have a great weekend.


Moody3 on 07/16/2010:
Hey Donkey~Yep, this week is done, so look forward to next week~Sounds like you are fully aware of the things you need to focus on!! Wonderful attitude!

You're doing great with your exercise~I admire those of you who get out there in the nasty weather and get it done. I live in WV and the heat and humidity are horrid~Thank God for my treadmill because I know myself and know I wouldn't get out in this nasty crap!! Yuck!!

Wishing you a beautiful Friday!!


legcramps on 07/16/2010:
Glad to hear you're doing well - keep at it!



Donkey - Thursday Jul 08, 2010
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 158.0

Well, if you have been keeping track, I met my weight loss goal for this week! 

And let me tell you, friends, this was NOT easy. With the extremely hot and humid weather, the only time to walk is before 8am. This has not been easy for me to do -- not happening, but there's always hope, I suppose.

I had been craving salty foods like crazy because of the heat/humidity. I am guessing this has something to do with all the sweating. I try to be pretty diligent about what I eat 1-2 days before weigh-in, and then I relax the day of weigh-in and then I get back on the wagon.

This week, though, I felt my resolve slipping the night before weigh-in! Oh dear, I thought, this will not make for a pleasant weigh-in.  But I managed to meet my goal and I am happy with that.

The weather has not been conducisve to exercising outside, either, but I make sure to get in at least a 20 minute walk a day.  My walking streak is still going strong!

My husband and I *FINALLY* canceled the gym membership.  Maybe some day we can join another gym. He has a chronic disease of the joints (AS, for those of you who are familiar, which is very similar to RA), so he needs a gym that has a swimming pool.  And I hold it in my heart that some day, our financial situation will improve enough to where at least he can join a gym with a pool. Perhaps some day I will be able to own my own elliptical. Until then, I must be disciplined enough to exercise at home.

For those of you who asked:  My notorious neighbors are ladies in their 40's!  Most if not all work for the schools as teachers.  Great role models... but I digress. It's unfortunate though that these women have not outgrown the cattiness and clique attitude of high school. 

One of my neighbors is particularly interesting, in a totally superficial, materialistic way. I used to think she was the ringleader of this group, but now I can see that she is really just a follower.  It was funny to see how she reacted when my husband went over there to speak with her about the misbehavior of her son.  Some day, I shall have simulateously have the courage and the opportunity to confront her myself (in a non-violent manner, of course; see my reference to "in your face" in the previous entry).

Progress as of today: 10 lbs lost so far, only 28 lbs to go!

tangalyn on 07/08/2010:
big congrats on meeting ur goal :) have a great day!


Umpqua on 07/08/2010:
Congrats on meeting your goal...whoo hoo!


loveray on 07/08/2010:
YAY congrats!!


Moody3 on 07/08/2010:
Fantastic job meeting your goal this week~and getting in your walking!!! Congratulations Donkey!!


grumpy on 07/08/2010:
Good to hear from you again, too! Kisses!



Donkey - Monday Jul 05, 2010
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 159.0

My weight-loss goal for this week is 1 lb.  I will be making REAL progress if I achieve that.  Between heat, humidity, craving salt things (because of the sweat) and TOM coming up, I have no idea what the scale will grant me this week.

Before I tell you what happened to me yesterday, let me preface it by saying that most of my neighbors do not acknowledge or talk to me.  This is deliberate and intentional. I am "on the outs" with the neighbors, as they say.

So yesterday, one of these notorious neighbors was sitting outside with 2 of the neighbors who WILL actually talk and wave to me.  (The husband of this couple is incredibly warm, friendly and forgiving.)  He had gestured to me to come sit with them, but I just waved to him, because I didn't want to associate with that notorious neighbor who was sitting with them.

But then, something came over me, and I decided that I was going to stick it in her face and if she didn't like it, then she could leave. 

So I grabbed my lawn chair and went over there and sat down -- right next to her!  Not only was she forced to actually acknowledge me but I started talking to her, "Oh hi, how are you doing, are you still subbing at the schools" blah blah blah and she was forced to speak with me.

And she did!

Progress as of today: 9 lbs lost so far, only 29 lbs to go!

legcramps on 07/05/2010:
Ah, good for you. You obviously played the better person in that scenario - way to go!


skinnygrlwithin on 07/05/2010:
I completely agree and support your decision!!! I totally would have done the same thing... I'm sorry I know I don't know how old you are but I'm going to assume that youre above the age of 25 and at this age are people still that childish that they have to snub other people??? I want to say to them get over yourselves, this isn't high school, this is the real world... you are no better then anyone else.


just42day on 07/05/2010:
Good for you for biting the bullet and meeting the situation head on. It's unfortunate how childish others can be at times. You played the adult role!


Moody3 on 07/05/2010:
Good for you for standing strong and holding your head high!!! Feels good doesn't it?


biscottibody59 on 07/08/2010:
Hey Donkey! Hope you're having a good week!



Donkey - Thursday Jul 01, 2010
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 159.0

Thank you all for your comments!  Yes, I remember many members here. I am honored that you remember an ol' Donkey like me.

I decided to go ahead and show my progress bar.  I had debated showing just how much weight I had gained during my depression or not, but I guess now that I am "in a new set of numbers", I feel a little more OK with showing you where I've been.

The stress here has been unbelieveable. Yesterday we were without power for most of the day because the eletric bill hadn't been paid. Let me tell you, that sucks. My volunteering activities have been disappointing lately to say the least, as well. Maybe it's because I see people getting paid for a job that I think I could do better. Or maybe it's because I show up and do nothing because the teacher cannot learn to delegate to the volunteer. 

However, through all this discouragement, I have managed to keep walking and drinking water. I am glad and proud that I am able to do this. If I had managed to keep this in perspective when I was sloping downhill into despair, I might not have gained as much weight.

Some of you may remember that when we first moved to the house we live in now, there was a huge debate (in my house and in my head, LOL) about which gym to join.  There was the Basic, affordable gym, with cardio and weight equipment. And then there was the La-Dee-Dah expensive gym that had all the amenities. 

Well, this is no longer relevant as we are going to cancel the membership we have had with the Basic Gym (the one I decided on). Financially it is necessary but more than that, I am no longer motivated to attend that gym. I started getting freaked out because too many people knew me there. In October I stopped going because I was afraid to be recognized by the staff and patrons.

This time around I am focusing more on portion control and moderate exercise.

Progress as of today: 9 lbs lost so far, only 29 lbs to go!

Umpqua on 07/02/2010:
I remember you and it's good to see you here. I'm sorry you've had such a rough time, but you're taking charge of the situation, which is so important! I also had some health problems over the past year and I ended up gaining a bunch of weight. I had surgery in January and felt so much better after that. Coming back here has been great for me, such a supportive bunch of people. I hope you have a wonderful weekend!


biscottibody59 on 07/02/2010:
Although it's been a tough road for you--you haven't given up and you actually sound like you're a little healthier--maybe that's not how you feel, but I think I found for myself that wt loss has to go hand in hand with health (both mental and physical) or it's a little hollow. You may feel differently.

Good to see you're doing all you can to keep on keepin' on! Enjoy your 4th of July weekend!

Thanks always for your support!


WI3 on 07/03/2010:
My favorite Donkey!


Horn_Of_Plenty on 07/03/2010:
yes, great to see you back...nice chatting with you tonight!


don'tstoptrying on 07/04/2010:
You came back for support and that's what you will get, we are so happy you're back. Have a great 4th of July weekend!



Donkey - Monday Jun 28, 2010
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 0.0

I think I'm ready to come back. 

For those of you who are new or newer to DD, I have been a member for quite some time, but hadn't posted in nearly 6 months.  My last post was written on the first of the year, and since then, It has been an uphill struggle to say the least.

If you will notice, my progress bar is not shown because I had gained a considerable amount of weight from the Jan. 1st as I sunk into a deep depression and struggled with foot/knee/hip problems.

I finally went and got myself some physical therapy to help with the foot (plantar fasciitis) and knee (baker's cyst) which helped reconcile the hip pain.  I am no longer the "cardio queen" that I used to be.  However, in keeping with the spirit of thinking positive, I am back to walking -- nearly an hour every day -- and biking with my daughter.

I've also started a water streak, making sure that I get 2L (8 cups, 64 oz) of water every day.  This has helped keep my eating in check, for the most part.

Since gaining weight, stabilizing and now losing *once again*, the extreme sugar cravings and the binge eating episodes I was struggling with very badly for the past 2 years have ceased.  I'm not sure if this is because I was too low in weight (for my body -- I guess I'm destined to be a larger person, even though I"m quite short) or if it was because of all the cardio and weight training, or if it was emotional reasons, or some or all of the reasons listed above.

The important thing is that I got off that merry-go-round and am leading a life of attempted moderation.  I say attempted because lately, I've been feeling uncomfortably full after meals, although I believe this is a psychological feeling more than an actual physical issue.  Perhaps a better ideal would be "mindful moderation"...

I am still very involved in volunteering, both at my church and in the community. I am a wedding hostess at my church, still, which I love doing.  And I am involved with literacy tutoring with the ESL program at the local communtiy college. 

I am still unemployed, however, and I struggle each and every day with feelings of despair, worthlessness, loathing, etc.  Not necessarily due to the unemployment but rather due to the cause of unemployment.  It's a long story, and I try very hard to put the past behind, not to think ahead too far, and to stay focused on the here and now.

nutri_fitt on 06/28/2010:
This is a good place to get some support - good for you for coming back!


just42day on 06/28/2010:
Welcome back! Sounds like you're keeping yourself busy even if you are unemployed. I've been unemployed for waaay too long so I really understand feelings of despair etc. Regardless for the reason for unemployment, it's still unemployment. Good for you for all your volunteer work! Good idea, too, to stay focused on the here and now. I hope you find support and great ideas now that you're back on the site. Best of luck to you!


biscottibody59 on 06/28/2010:
I appreciate your comment--thanks! And good to see you back here posting again.

Walking has been good for me in hard times--good for my head in many ways. Glad you got the physical things addressed too!

Mindful moderation sounds like a good idea!


Moody3 on 06/28/2010:
Don't know if you remember me or not, but I remember you...I too, have been MIA for quite some time..after reading your entry, I decided to come out of hiding as well~

Looking forward to reading you again!!!


don'tstoptrying on 06/29/2010:
I'm so glad your back and am looking forward to getting to know you better. But may I ask why do you call yourself Donkey? :)



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