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Donkey - Saturday Feb 23, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 129.5

PLEASE HELP ME :-(

Now I realize where I can take my awful feelings that I had with me yesterday. I tried to talk to Husband about them, but he's a man so he was like, "get over it, let it go." But it doesn't work that way for me. So I truly felt like I had no other place to turn or to vent, but I know that my friends here on Diet Diaries will always give me unconditional support (unless I'm deluding myself and then BiscottiBody will tell it like it is).

I have not been doing well at my new job. I have been driving school bus routes on my own this week, and they have been merciful in giving me easy routes. My co-workers think they are easy; I acknowledge that they are easy routes.

Yet I keep messing up! I will miss a turn so then I have to find my way back onto the route (usually involving a trip around the block or a turn around in a parking log). These turnarounds set me back at least 10 minutes into the routes. I feel that I should not be making mistakes like this, yet I continue to do so.

For example, yesterday, I had a left turn on "Street" and then a right turn on "Avenue". Well, I kept looking for "Avenue" and drove right past "Street". I had a bunch of autistic kids on my bus so the bus aide had to help me get back on track. She is notorious for being snippy about "Bus aides focus on the kids, bus drivers focus on the roads" and I don't blame her! (She definitely had her hands full!) I was so surprised that she was willing to help me out, because she did have her hands full.

Eventually she did get me back on track. But this has been happening all week! And it's not like I go into this blind: they give you a print out of directions, along with a list of kids that get off at each stop. So WHY can't I get my head on straight and just go the right way????

I think 2 things may be the cause: 1. I workout between morning and afternoon routes, so maybe my workouts are making me "spacey". :-( This would mean I wouldn't be able to workout any more, because that break is the only time I have time to do so.

2. My brain feels overloaded with directions and anxiety (uncertainty), and thus I am unable to focus on the task. Like when you rush through something too fast that you mess it up?

I don't know but sooner or later, if this keeps up, I'm going to get into trouble. I hope the bus aide doesn't turn me in for being a terrible driver. We were 20 minutes late, and that's just not good.

As a result of my horrible day on Friday, I came home and had a huge snack. Then after dinner, I started thinking about my day again and had another huge snack consisting of Fiber One bars.

Today I am taking my kids and going into Chicago to visit with relatives. I hope the Fiber One bars don't come back to haunt me this morning, as we will be on the train and the bathrooms there are --- not so good.

PLEASE HELP ME :-(

Progress as of today: 14.5 lbs lost so far, only -0.5 lbs to go!

shadetree on 02/23/2008:
I have learned not to even bother discussing work issues with my husband, because he doesn't get that I want him to LISTEN, not SOLVE. He always starts raising his voice and telling what I need to do, but doesn't understand that sometimes it's not just black and white...

Do you have the same routes for the week, or do they change daily? Do you know ahead of time to where you could drive them on your own once before you take a bus? Otherwise, maybe plot them on a map yourself - that way you can see what streets you pass before you get to your turn etc, so you can familiarize yourself with the whole route rather than just where you turn. (Does that make sense?)

Hoping the snack doesn't haunt you today! :) Have a good weekend!


MsKitty on 02/23/2008:
courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear. take control of your emotions and pick up the peices. A positive out look will attract positive things to happen to you. Good luck and stay strong.


thinnsidenotout on 02/23/2008:
Tell them to get you a GPS...ya right huh!!!!!...... If it is the same route or close to iut, maybe a drive in your car a few times or just drive around that area and familiarize yourself with the street/avenue names.... Iused to be horrible with such things, but when I got into yard sales, etc..I had to learn them or I lost out on good buys...... You will get it down...


jon'smom on 02/23/2008:
It sounds to me like you lost your confidence. Here is an idea and I know this is going to sound silly and probaly to much work, but I would keep all the directions they give you and on a Saturday or Sunday, study them and then go in your car and drive the routes like you are picking up/dropping off the kids (without really doing this). I know this is really extreme, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Good luck !


mmuraro on 02/23/2008:
I am sorry, this must be hard. Some people are good with directions and other aren't. Maybe it's not related to you being spacy, it's just not something you're used to... have you ever thought about buying a gps? I am not sure they let you put that on the bus, but maybe you could ask, at least until you get used to the routes... some are expensive, but some are not too bad, maybe you could even look at ebay and buy an used one... something like this: http://www.amazon.com/Garmin-StreetPilot-Portable-GPS-Navigator/dp/B000BKN2Y0/ref=sr_1_23?ie=UTF8&s=electronics&qid=1203788914&sr=8-23


workingit2 on 02/23/2008:
I agree with driving the route in your car so that you build up the confidence. I hate driving anyway and I am horrid with directions so I give you props for having the strength to stick it out while driving a bunch of kids, a bus aid and being on a time schedule. Don't fret...just rearrange your plan of attack =)


Moody2 on 02/23/2008:
I suck at directions and would have to drive it on my own a few times first, before relying soley on diretions they give. You have a tough job and my hat goes off to you....hang in there!


Horn_Of_Plenty on 02/24/2008:
every new job takes work to get better at! I would not even try driving a bus because i know i couldn't do it well! I think you shouldn't stop working out in the afternoon. Have a snack right before you have to report to work in the afternoon, as well. Next, before you begin, I'd try to clear my mind. Take a few deep breaths. Stick to it...maybe it's like a learning curve...it may take a few weeks before you feel at ease!



Donkey - Wednesday Feb 20, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 129.5

Today is the coldest day of the week. It's a warm-up from here on out until after the weekend when it comes down again (but not as cold as it was today). Gosh, if we could just get above freezing to melt some of the ice on the roads!

I'm getting the hang of the job. Still very stressful, and definitely not as easy as staying at home. But Friday is payday, so I'm sure I'll really appreciate having the job more then. Seriously though, I think I will work out alright in the job -- at least for a few years.

Eating has gone pretty well. I've been weighing myself more than once a week lately. My weight has been up and down -- up to 132, then down to 129.5 today (as it was earlier, as you can tell by my weight graph). My 3 month hiatus on maintenance is almost over (I've been maintaining more or less since Thanksgiving Day (U.S.)), and I have decided that I feel better about myself if I am in the 120s than if I am in the 130s.

So I have no concrete goal as of yet. I figure I'll start working towards staying in the 120s come March.

Progress as of today: 14.5 lbs lost so far, only -0.5 lbs to go!

thinnsidenotout on 02/20/2008:
All sounds good......You have proven you know how to get things done....


mmuraro on 02/20/2008:
Sounds great, You have to do what makes you feel good!


Horn_Of_Plenty on 02/22/2008:
I just want to say that I congratulate you on your ability to maintain. You know, 130 is a good number because once you see the big 30 you know its time to loose again.



Donkey - Monday Feb 18, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 129.5

Alright, I'm going to just spill it:

In spite of feeling binge-y all day, I managed to hold off until the night time. Once again, my inner demons got the better of me.

I realized today that I am in a slump. This weather has me feeling so beaten down. Seriously, I feel tired, sore, sad, no energy, hopeless at times. And I hate this feeling. Physically and psychologically, it is very annoying, very uncomfortable. This is NOT who I am.

I would scream "This is NOT who I am" from the top of my house, except that it's too cold outside to do so.

As I sit here typing this, I am listening to one of my cats sneeze his tail off. Gosh, even the dang cats are sick. My 2 boys both have watery, runny eyes, and the one dumb one here sneezes throughout the day.

I'm nervous about going back to work on Tuesday. I'm still not very comfortable with driving yet. Maybe I am dreading this, and that is why I feel especially down today.

Progress as of today: 14.5 lbs lost so far, only -0.5 lbs to go!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 02/18/2008:
I do know that after even one extra day off, some people get antsy about going back to work, especially if the job is a relatively new one like yours. I believe your feelings are normal. It is cruddy weather over here, too. I seriously cannot believe how many people have gotten sick this year...even the amount of people online here! I hope your cat and boys feel better very soon...as I hope you will, too.

Sometimes the best way to break a negative cycle is to do just what you don't want to do...go to the gym. Try to wear something you feel flatters you best and get yourself prepped to go there. I would have gone today, but I do think I have fever and I know i have a headache/body aches. So yoga is a no-go, unfortunately!

Hehe, my sister ended up moving out the first week of February with a tremendous amount of support, help, and assistance from my parents. My dad hired some people he knows from his industry that did all the carrying and lifting into her apartment. My sister and I are so lucky to have a dad like ours. He always puts others first. My mom was helpful, too, but without my dad's strength and willingness to get out early and be helpful i doubt so much would have happened the way it did. She has come back for a day each weekend to gather a few more things from home. It seems she's happy...and SO AM I! I have my car back! haha. Thanks for asking!


workingit2 on 02/18/2008:
February is ALMOST over..I am SICK of this month, cold, damp, frozen weather...wacky stuff. One of my cats is sneezing all day as well..the other has runny eyes. Hang in there and don't beat yourself up!


shadetree on 02/18/2008:
Did you get rid of the pie?

Ever thought of light therapy? This time of year is horrible...If it's been as cloudy there as it has been here, no wonder you are on edge!

It will take time to get used to the driving, but you'll get there! Have a good day tomorrow!


mmuraro on 02/18/2008:
Aw, you need to break this chain to feel better. Maybe when you and the boys are feeling better you can do some fun activities with them and more around a bit to get that endorphin going? Any exercise you can push yourself to do will help, I am sure. Be strong! I read once that before you binge you should get a piece of paper and write the date, time, what you were feeling and why did you want to eat that for.. Most people do that and realize it's not worth it. Maybe something to give a shot. Hope it gets better soon!


borntocry on 02/19/2008:
I keep wishing I could send some of our nice weather your way. You poor thing! February can be such a depressing month, but spring is right around the corner!

So how was work? I'm sure your driving's just fine. Stop being such a perfectionist. Just think of all the half-wits around the country who are nowhere near as good as you.



Donkey - Sunday Feb 17, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 129.5

I feel like eating everything in the pantry today. :-(

Progress as of today: 14.5 lbs lost so far, only -0.5 lbs to go!

mmuraro on 02/17/2008:
Don't do it. Get out of the house. Do to a cafe and take a nice book. Or go to a book store and buy a nice book and take to the cafe, get some herb tea. Or get inside the movie theater, get yourself busy. :)


thinnsidenotout on 02/17/2008:
Uh Oh!.... Hang in there......no regrets is best!!!!!!


workingit2 on 02/17/2008:
Me too!! It has been a real struggle today! I hope you are doing ok and hanging in there!


Horn_Of_Plenty on 02/17/2008:
DONK DONK...get out of your house! just go! go to the movies with the kids...or plan a day at the mall to walk around with them! I know it's hard, but you can do it!


MsKitty on 02/18/2008:
DONT DOOOOO IT!!!! you'll just feel like S*it after you do with all the guilt.



Donkey - Saturday Feb 16, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 129.5

OK, just want to get this off my chest....

Ate above my calories today, by about 200. That's not gonna kill me. In fact, I think it's good to have days of varied calorie levels. That is to say, some days, I should eat less and some days I should eat more.

What annoys me is that most of that excess calories is from this stupid Dutch Apple Pie that Husband bought at the market. It's not even that good, but the kids don't like it, and so it is staring at me and staring at me. I told Husband to take it to work tomorrow. If he does not, I'm going to put it in the refrigerator --- waaaayyy in the back. Out of sight, out of mind.

For some reason, I have been sad today. Depressed? Maybe. But genuinely sad. For no good reason that I can think of or identify. So that drives me nutty too. It's one thing to know why I am sad, but just to be down in the dumps? That rots.

So perhaps that might be one reason for reaching for the pie when I clearly did not want any nor did I need any. I'm sick and tired of being in a state of discontent. Whether it's changes or deaths or catastrophe, I'm sick of this negativity. Now how's that for negative? All this negativity is bringing me down. No doubt! I think I have some spiritual heaviness to lose as well as physical heaviness :-)

Progress as of today: 14.5 lbs lost so far, only -0.5 lbs to go!

mmuraro on 02/16/2008:
I'm sorry you're feeling down. I get like that a lot, but to me I think it's mainly related to my weight and I feel better now that I see some progress. Maybe it's the weather, or something in the back of your mind that you don't realize. Don't worry, it should pass, but it's definitely a good idea to try and have a brighter outlook on things! Maybe yoga? (not sure you do it already or like it, just an idea). Dont even mention the 200+ cal. It's nothing! :)


workingit2 on 02/17/2008:
Hey congrats on being back to your goal! I have 'sad' days as well...those are very difficult and drive me crazy. Hope your blues go away quickly and that you have happy times =)


shadetree on 02/17/2008:
YOu have certainly been through the wringer the past month or so, added with this crappy weather we've had and lack of sunshine, and it's only natural to feel somewhat down. I hope the sun shines for you soon and brings you up out of the spiritual heaviness.

Throw the pie out. The kids don't want it, so who does that leave to eat it? I've finally overcome the guilt of tossing out food - you know those starving kids in China and all...but how does getting fat make their lives better? it doesn't, just makes mine more miserable. Soooo...no guilt.

Hope your day is a little better today!



Donkey - Friday Feb 15, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 129.5

I decided to weigh in today, even though I weighed in on Wed. and Thurs., because Fridays are my "official weigh-in" days. Best to keep a consistent pattern I think.

Anyway, I am really happy to see that number under my "official goal weight", even if it's only by 0.5.

I have a long weekend Friday-Sunday, so I am using this time to relax and recharge. Of course, my Husband has to work all weekend, which means I'm doing 2x the work at home.

Progress as of today: 14.5 lbs lost so far, only -0.5 lbs to go!

mmuraro on 02/15/2008:
0.5 is awesome! Your goal weight on the ticker makes me laugh though... 129.499... I really hope you don't get stuck at 129.5 now! hehehe :) just kidding, congrats! You've reached your goal!


thinnsidenotout on 02/15/2008:
Misunderstood earlier and thought you had 0.5 to go....Duh!....You passed yor goal mark...SUPER!


Horn_Of_Plenty on 02/15/2008:
sorry your hubby has to work. i'm glad that your weight is where you like it! you are doing a GREAT job maintaining! :) I'm surprised that you get night sweats too from excess calories. I've been sweating more in the mornings, too.


kkaahh11 on 02/16/2008:
that is amazing! almost 15 pounds! congratsssss! sorry your husband has to work.



Donkey - Wednesday Feb 13, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 130.5

Sometimes I just want to say WTF. I don't get this. I eat like a sugar junkie for 2 weeks and I actually lose weight?!? What the heck is THAT all about? I was down from 132.0 this morning. (I weighed in by accident, thinking today was a weigh-in day.)

I had a great day yesterday though, eating-wise, and that's the important thing. I HATE feeling like I do when I go through my sugar binges. I don't like it; it's not healthy. I want another good day (night) tonight.

I took today off from the gym. I needed a rest day. Hopefully taking a day off won't cause my weight to skyrocket (i know it won't).

Progress as of today: 13.5 lbs lost so far, only 0.5 lbs to go!

mmuraro on 02/13/2008:
Congrats on the weight loss. You were either not eating as much as you thought, or maybe you spent more energy moving around. Or maybe it's (not) the time of the month, who knows! Does it matter? :) Enjoy it!


workingit2 on 02/13/2008:
Sorry I haven't been leaving messages and now I am leaving this canned message lol..thoughts are with you, keep up the fight!


MsKitty on 02/14/2008:
Happy Valentines here is a little insperation poem for you. Donkey fight the good fight for youll see it later... at this point in your diet its so easy to gain it all back.

Your Dimension Of Greatness

No one can know the potential,

Of a life that is committed to win;

With courage - the challenge it faces , To achieve great success in the end!

So, explore the Dimension of Greatness,

And believe that the world CAN be won;

By a mind that is fully committed,

KNOWING the task can be done!

Your world has no place for the skeptic,

No room for the DOUBTER to stand;

To weaken your firm resolution

That you CAN EXCEL in this land!

We must have VISION TO SEE our potential,

And FAITH TO BELIEVE that we can;

Then COURAGE TO ACT with conviction,

To become what GOD MEANT us to be!

So, possess the strength and the courage,

To conquer WHATEVER you choose;

It's the person WHO NEVER GETS STARTED,

That is destined FOREVER to lose!


Horn_Of_Plenty on 02/14/2008:
it may just be lack of high volume foods like fruits and veggies...you may have lost water. btw, i notice this with myself. when i eat like a sugar junkie, my weight drops after the first binge too...only to rise later. OMG, i've been having night sweats and have been sweating in the morning bc of all the extra calories, my body is working so hard to detox!



Donkey - Tuesday Feb 12, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 132.0

Just keeping myself accountable here, but I have been bingeing on sugar sweets every night within the past week, except for one night (I forget which night that was).

I don't expect to see anything good when I step on the scale soon. Maybe that will be enough to kick my butt off the sugar kick.

Progress as of today: 12 lbs lost so far, only 2 lbs to go!

mmuraro on 02/12/2008:
I know what you mean! Maybe having more protein and less carbs you won't have as many craves.. Good luck.


thinnsidenotout on 02/12/2008:
Hang in there!!!! Sugar is a hard one to keep in check....You can do it!


workingit2 on 02/12/2008:
OMG winter is SUCH a b****!!! I am ready for it to be OOOOOOOOOOOOVVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!! Hang in there =)



Donkey - Friday Feb 08, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 132.0

I was very pleased to see another pound come off. I might have done better had I not eaten all that Irish soda bread (and then some ice cream later on that evening) on Wednesday. Well, it's hard to say. TOM is here right now, that usually throws in a glitch. Also, as a personal challenge, I've been doing more weight training this week.

NO I DID NOT GAIN MUSCLE MASS IN ONE WEEK!!!!

Sheesh, I am so sick and tired of women saying, "Oh, I just started exercising, and I've gained 2lb. I must be putting on muscle weight." No ladies, it doesn't WORK LIKE THAT. What you're (I'm) gaining is water retention, because when you start a weight training program, the muscles tend to hold onto water as part of the process of muscle tissue breaking down and rebuilding.

So I have more than one reason why I might be retaining water. At any rate it doesn't matter. As long as the scale is doing down, that's what's important.

Wow, if AF is here now, I can't wait to see what an amazing week I'll have next week. Woo-woo! :-)

Progress as of today: 12 lbs lost so far, only 2 lbs to go!

tourguidebarbie on 02/08/2008:
Good job on another lb! That's the way to do it! 1 lb at a time! :)


thinnsidenotout on 02/08/2008:
AF has a way of making herself a tad bit unwanted during her stay, but like you said...once she's gone, you will probably weigh a bit less....Keep up the good work and have a great weekend!


biscottibody59 on 02/08/2008:
Well if you're like me it's more important to do the wt trng rather than mulling over if the gain/loss is caused by it----> ;-)

Good job--all things considered! (How about renting a flame thrower next snowstorm?)


mmuraro on 02/08/2008:
I'll take retaining water over gaining fat weight anytime! Tomorrow I start using the scale that measures body fat, water and muscle. I am excited, I think that will give me a better idea whether i am doing this right or not and if not, I'll know better on how to improve! congrats on the pound!


workingit2 on 02/09/2008:
LOL I say that ALL THE TIME re. the muscle mass thing. Everytime I see someone post that they've gained muscle mass, i always tell them it is water retention so the muscles can heal. OR when someone says that they are obviously replacing fat with muscle and a pound of muscle weighs more than a pound of fat..>NOOOOO a pound is a pound is a pound!! Anyway, I'm glad you said it LOL

Congrats on the pound off!


shadetree on 02/09/2008:
YAY on the pound! And double YAY on the pound DURING TOM! Triple YAY on weight training! Keep it up!


borntocry on 02/09/2008:
Oh shoot, I was hoping all that weight I'd gained was muscle mass. Ha ha ha.

Thanks for your advice, by the way - I think you are right on target. I practically never drink water, and the whole point of fibre is to make you feel full by binding to the water in your digestive system, so I'm probably getting no benefit from it at all by not drinking any water with it. I am going to make that my plan from now on - TO DRINK MORE WATER!!!

Thank you!!


greengirl on 02/09/2008:
I love you when you are ranting !!!! :O)


mylifechanges on 02/09/2008:
great job! You are doing a wonderful job!!! :)


Horn_Of_Plenty on 02/09/2008:
those are good reasons for water retention. sorry about that. and thank you for telling me that i need to get a move on! It's certainly not about saying what you will do, it's actually doing it!


CritterMom on 02/12/2008:
Congrats on another pound gone.



Donkey - Thursday Feb 07, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 133.0

Just announcing that tomorrow is my weigh-in! And I feel like eating the entire house. Slipped up yesterday and ate a whole loaf of Irish soda bread from our ethnic supermarket. Oh MY but that is GOOD! Then I had 2 dishes of ice cream, later on that night. I had spent over 2 hours shoveling in the cold snow. My hunger was out of control.

I hate winter.

Progress as of today: 11 lbs lost so far, only 3 lbs to go!

workingit2 on 02/07/2008:
Damned winter!!!


thinnsidenotout on 02/07/2008:
Hey have to enjoy loaf (oopsie) I mean life once and a while {-;-}........ Shoveling that much snow, you have to do something to get the energy level back and you enjoyed it...WE hate winter now, but we will hate summer in a few months...


borntocry on 02/08/2008:
You mean I'm not the only one who eats whole loaves of bread?! You don't say!

You must have burned hundreds of calories shoveling snow, and in the cold, too, when your body uses up even more energy to maintain its temperature. No wonder you were so ravenous. Whereas I felt the same way yesterday and have no excuse!

You were right, by the way, I did say that I was going to update my weight but that was when I was hoping it would go down after a few days on the straight and narrow, so to speak. Instead it keeps going up, and now today I'm inevitably going to be gorging myself on bread, so there's no hope for tomorrow. But maybe this weekend...


so_devine on 02/08/2008:
well done on the weight loss. keep it up, hope your having a great day



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