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Donkey - Tuesday Oct 14, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 124.0

Just weighing in for the week. I'm not all that dissatisfied with the number. Initially it said 123.5 (2x) but the third time it registered at 124.0. And then it said that 2 more times. So that is the number I will go with.

I will continue my plan of not tracking calories (except dinner and protein) for the upcoming week. The peace of mind is ... freeing (is that even a word?) ... and as long as my weight is stable, then I think the trade-off is worth it.

Progress as of today: 20 lbs lost so far, only -6 lbs to go!

grumpy on 10/14/2008:
Hey, I will be careful. This one I am doing is not just juice, you also eat fruits, veggies and a little cottage/ww bread. But I will follow it strictly and will stop if I don't feel ok.

As for J, yes, that's the idea. It's actually breaking the circle, because he may not miss me and want to come back, so I can't count on it. Especially now with a new girl around him. Bad timing, I wish I cut him off while there was no one else for him to go out with. Oh well.

I REALLY wish he misses me, It will hurt so much more if he goes off with this girl and move on...

skinnyjeans on 10/14/2008:
My scale changes, too! It's frustrating. Anyway, have a great Tuesday! :)

grumpy on 10/15/2008:
Yea, you know, I ordered the cleanse kit online and found it at my door the morning after a night of crying and deciding to cut him off. I thought that was a sign. Thanks.

biscottibody59 on 10/15/2008:
RYC: No need to apologize Donkey. Thank you for your kind sentiment on my mother's passing.

I hope your plan continues to work for you--you'll probably know pretty quick if you have to go back to counting something. (Freeing is a perfectly good word.)

Have a good one!

WI3 on 10/15/2008:
I think that is great that you are getting confident and comfortable with what you are doing. YAY!

WI3 on 10/20/2008:
Thanks to YOU I have my treadmill back! YAY, Go Donkey! lol I hope you are doing well, and that you've been able to get back on track after the weekend. GOD they are hard! take care!

Donkey - Sunday Oct 12, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 122.0

I don't know what I weigh. I haven't gotten on the scale since Wednesday, when I weighed 126.5. I probably don't weigh too much less than that now, but that is irrelevant.

I've stopped counting calories for the most part, except for my dinner calories. I've stopped measuring food except for my morning peanut butter (because it's sooo easy for me to go over), my coffee creamer (ditto on the overdo), and my lunch protein (to make sure I get enough protein).

I make sure I drink 3L of water a day. More is fine, less does not meet my goal, but so far, so good.

I am using a common sense approach to food. I know what to eat and what not to eat. Eventually the "what not to eat" will become "what to eat in moderation" but I'm not at that point yet.

I use the feel of my wedding rings to monitor my "progress" or "status". (Not sure what to call it yet.) For example, yesterday I could tell that my weight was higher because the rings were tighter than usual. Sure enough, PMS started last night. And, er, there were some bathroom issues that needed to get resolved, which they were today. But that didn't stop me from enjoying a big bowl of (pre-planned) air-popped popcorn last night.

I have had no urges to binge, although today is Day 5 (binge-free) and that is the longest that I have been able to go binge-free. But I think it will be different this time, because I have not restricted calories so much afterward.

The next step will probably be to work on the exercise issue.

Progress as of today: 22 lbs lost so far, only -8 lbs to go!

skinnyjeans on 10/12/2008:
Congrats on making it 5 days!! Keep it up! What type of excercise do you like? I've just been walking lately..it's so easy. :)

MattsGirl16 on 10/12/2008:
You are doing good! Have a wonderful day!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 10/12/2008:
hmm, this entry sounds positve to me. so that's good. haha, pos-wot. i get the POS...but what is WOT? yeah, life can be so fun and at the same time some of us choose to get stuck on the stupid things and become miserable. (me)

WI3 on 10/12/2008:
Very good common sense, Donkey! And congrats on the binge-free streak..keep going!

grumpy on 10/12/2008:
I am like that too, i work on one thing at a time, either exercise or diet first and the other next. seems overwhelming to start all at the same time. Good job for being binge free. Think about me and do my 'whatever" face, dont forget the hands. :)


greengirl on 10/13/2008:
Hey Donkey, I was reading your post and planning a comment when I scrolled down and saw that WI3 Had made the comment for me. So ditto what WorkingIt said above, and stick my name on it :) By the way, we are still having bloody awful weather on our side of the big pond, interspersed with the odd golden sunshine beautiful autumn day. I can 'do' cold and dry, but I'm sick of the damn rain !!!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 10/13/2008:
WOT = waste of time.

just make sure that you are not a waste of time. and i know you don't think that. please girl, if you need to speak out on whats bothering you, feel free.

just so you know, my mom is making my living at home HORRIBLE! on purpose. i KNOW that in the back of her head, she wants me to leave. she would do that. my dad, he's ok with the current living arrangements. hmmm. i'll have to deal with her these next two years...then i'm out!

Donkey - Monday Oct 06, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 122.0

I was rewarded for my no-binge weekend with a 2lb gain on the scale. Yes, up yet another pound! That must be one big bathroom moment churning inside me, Grumpy!

Anyway, the reason why I am posting today, right now, is because I am feeling a STRONG urge to take a spoon and go get a half-gallon ice cream container out of the freezer in the garage.

So I thought if I wrote about it instead, I'd feel stronger. And I do. So now I will sign-off, put dishes away, and start dinner. If I am hungry or "munchie" I have carrot sticks I can chew on.

And hopefully my weight will reconcile itself one way or the other by tomorrow. THIS SUCKS.

Progress as of today: 22 lbs lost so far, only -8 lbs to go!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 10/06/2008:
i love this entry. i have found that a yogurt for the past two days is nice after dinner. a greek plain yogurt with sugarfree jelly and a little cinnamon. it's the "sweet" we sometimes want after dinner!

WI3 on 10/06/2008:
I Love Lucy, ROCKS! glad you had a good visit with your mom =) that is great news!

Yes, I am excited that my treadmill is almost back in working order..thanks to YOU for the suggestion to visit the Treadmill Doctor! YAY! Go Donkey! lol

Have a lovely evening!

greengirl on 10/08/2008:
Keep out of the ice cream !!!!! Don't despair about the weight gain. It will just be some natural bodily thing going on. And honestly, I dont want to know about your forthcoming bathroom moment Lol !!! Fight the good fight, Donkey :)

Donkey - Sunday Oct 05, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 121.0

Afternoon Edit: First of all, let me thank all who have commented for your super supportive replies. I cannot tell you how much your positive input has uplifted me and kept me steady today.

My mother just left, and it was a good visit. So why do I feel like eating all the peanut butter and ice cream in the house? I do not know why. So I had my frozen banana treat that I prepared ahead of time for tonight, but if I need/want it now, have it now. It will fend off any binge that can come from too much self-denial.

And I am writing to you all about my feelings, so I have some self-validation of my feelings. (Writing things out helps me feel validated and organized.)

And then I am going to make myself a cup of tea and go upstairs - away from the kitchen and computer - and rest and watch reruns of I Love Lucy. :-) Uplifting, light and funny.


I was about to write and complain about my weight when I realized, "Hey, it's OK!" :-)

You see, on Saturday, I weighed 120.0. Nice number! I like that number!

But I fought tooth and nail like the devil was after me (and maybe he was!) the urge to sugar binge. OMG. I've noticed that I usually go 3-4 days and then I have a sugar binge episode. And last night was the end of Day 4.

Today is Day 5 of no-bingeing. So again, I will fight with all my strength not to go down that path today/tonight. And I will have to, as my mother is stopping by for an hour or 2 to visit, on her way home from visiting my grandparents. So it will be HARD to resist. I will have to show my donkey strength today, that's for sure!

But I like to think that the longer I can go between bingeing episodes, the better I will be. Heck, if this would be IT and I could stay "sober" that would be WONDERFUL! That is my ultimate goal.

But back to my supposive "rant": I really really really tried so hard last night NOT to binge, and I was successful at it. And how was I rewarded? With a one pound GAIN on the scale today!!! >:-[

But now looking at Friday's entry, I see that I am actually still down 0.5lb. So what the h*** am I complainin' about? :-)

I'm doing good. Hang in there Donkey!

(And yes, logically, I do realize how stupid it is to be freaking out over one **** pound! Trying NOT to get sucked into the numbers game, but right now, I can fight only one battle, and bingeing is the bigger battle of the 2. So please be kind and patient with Donkey for her temporary insanity.)

Progress as of today: 23 lbs lost so far, only -9 lbs to go!

skinnyjeans on 10/05/2008:
Don't worry about the scale...you did a GREAT thing by not caving in last night! Keep up the good work!!!

loveray on 10/05/2008:
congrats! hang in there and try not to punish yourself...it's likely the LB is just water weight. take care and be well. xoxo

biscottibody59 on 10/05/2008:
Hey, I'd like 148--the target I set to start jogging seriously again!

I agree, you're doing good--keep up the good work!

WI3 on 10/05/2008:
Waaahooo....hang in there! I think it is great that you are counting the days of your non-sugar attacks. That is very important. Being one to struggle greatly with a particular type of sweet, I know the struggle! Have a great day, Donkey =)

greengirl on 10/05/2008:
Hurray !! Today you sound much more like the Donkey I know and Love !! Fight the good fight, Girlie :)

grumpy on 10/05/2008:
Oh you crazy donkey!!! hahahahaha. I wont even comment on your fit about one pound. Girl, one pound is nothing and it's more than a normal variation. I mean, if you pooped 1/2 of what you usually poop that's your one pound right there. maybe some water before weighting in.. etc... come on!! go watch your I love lucy you wacko. hahaha I love you. xo

Donkey - Friday Oct 03, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 121.5

New month... My weight has pretty much stabilized around 121, give or take. Here we go into another weekend, so I thought I'd check in. You may or may not recall but weekends are very difficult for me. And Husband is working 12 hour shifts today (Friday - "date night") and Saturday.

I was going to say more, but I'm having problems being coherent. Need more coffee, I'm afraid!!! Donkey runs on auto-pilot in the mornings, I'm afraid! :-)

Progress as of today: 22.5 lbs lost so far, only -8.5 lbs to go!

skinnyjeans on 10/03/2008:
Have a great weekend! I need coffee too...

Moody2 on 10/03/2008:
Hi! Sipping coffee right now! Want some? LOL

Wishing you a great day!

greengirl on 10/03/2008:
I'm sending my best wishes for the weekend for you, and make sure you keep out of the sugar. It is BAD !! I wish I could take my own advice :) Seriously, i will be thinking about you, Donkey and hoping you can stay strong !

WI3 on 10/04/2008:
OMG Donkey, I have to say that I HATE these stupid long shifts that Brian works. The nights AND the fact that they ALWAYS turn into 12 hour days. If I see him four times a month now, I'm lucky. I had thought about moving in together with him but we wouldn't see each other any more than we do now. I'd just have his stuff around LOL. Add to it the fact that we can't even TALK for longer than a few minutes at a time...geeze I don't even know him anymore.

Thanks for the comment on my diary. I am such an emotional person that I HAD to get myself back on track using simple science and mathmatics. It is the only way I can really keep focus. One day, I will be at my goal weight and then join you in the struggle to maintain.

What are you up to this weekend to make yourself feel good? I'm going to probably clean out my refrigerator..yeah I'm weird, stuff like that makes me feel good LOL

starfish on 10/04/2008:
great job keeping yourself at goal!

Donkey - Monday Sep 29, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 121.0

Well, it looks like I'm ending the month the same way I started the month, but I am hoping that I have the sugar bingeing under control.

Ironically enough, when I focus my anxieties on food, I don't worry so much about what's happening to me in Real Life.

I'm just forever grateful that I survived the weekend without eating my weight in sugar. I hate that. I'm hoping this means I have a good pattern (habit) started here...

Progress as of today: 23 lbs lost so far, only -9 lbs to go!

WI3 on 09/29/2008:
Congratulations on the good weekend. I know that takes a lot to survive a weekend like that! Have a good day =)

Bleste on 09/29/2008:
yes, I have been told to do this by my Dr. :)

Thank you ever so much.


greengirl on 09/29/2008:
Well done on the good weekend, and good luck for the coming week. I'm also sending you a hug and my best wishes from the UK **HUG**

Horn_Of_Plenty on 09/29/2008:
i know you do! :)

loveray on 09/29/2008:
im glad that your sugar binges seem to be subsiding. mine are less severe, but still having major cereal cravings at some times. i know we will make it through!!

Donkey - Friday Sep 26, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 123.0

Yesterday, my therapist asked me if I had gained weight.

I had just come down from 126 to 123, after my latest binge.

I didn't think 3.5lb would show, but apparently I was wrong.

So now this is all I can think about, is that I must look fat, because why else would he say anything about it?

But I will ask for clarification at my next appointment, next Friday.

I feel sick. And sad. And tired.

Progress as of today: 21 lbs lost so far, only -7 lbs to go!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 09/26/2008:
maybe she didn't notice and was just asking to see how you are doing??? you lost weight...isn't 126 to 123 a loss?? yes, i do think you should talk to her. but listen, don't rely on other people's opinions about your body affect your own happiness. what is up with that? is there something you are upset about besides this?

WI3 on 09/26/2008:
I think your therapist may have meant that as a good thing. You may have been looking a little wan due to all you are going through..and you did drop a lot of weight. I really don't think he would say something like that in a negative way.

I hope you don't feel sad for too long..but seriously I know how you feel about someone saying something and then picking it apart until you feel broken..because it just HAD to mean something bad..for some reason I always feel like someone is saying the negative stuff..but mostly it is because I want to believe the worst about myself ...that is such a hard thing to break. UGH!

Don't beat yourself up. It is self-sabatoge.

biscottibody59 on 09/27/2008:
Unless you're going to therapy for an eating disorder and the goal is to gain weight--is it any of his f-----g business? My first thought would be to call him a big ol' dumba** or stick to the subject of the therapy--if not. Men/women/discussing HER weight--not usually a good mix anyway. Having said that, my good neighbor always remarks on my looks--weight up or down. Half the time he's wrong--I've gained, when he thinks I've lost. I play along because to be honest, what he thinks isn't going to affect me all that much, but it's good natured, I know where he's coming from and I actually appreciate that he notices. Not to mention that he's REALLY a GOOD neighbor, and I try to reciprocate.

It's the overall picture you should focus on. If you respect this man as a therapist, it should be all good or at least mostly good:-) Hope the therapy is moving you forward!

greengirl on 09/27/2008:
I'm sorry he said that to you, but if your therapist is a man, I'm surprised he noticed anything at all. My husband seems to have failed to notice that I've gained 35. Either that or he's just too scared to mention it , in case I break his legs or something. I think I'd give the therapist the benefit of the doubt though and think, like WI does, that he meant it as a good thing. If he is helping you in other ways you should persevere and hope that soon you are feeling less sad.

grumpy on 09/28/2008:
Come on my friend Donkey, do you think that if a person asks you if you gained weight it means you look FAT? at 123? Are you kidding me (and more importantly, yourself?) Maybe instead of having your therapist come clean about it next time, you should spend that time and energy discussing with him/her your vision about yourself. i am sure you look great, 123 or 118 or whatever. what you need to get the bottom of is your anxiety. sorry about the tough love, but i get it a lot too and even though it's not fun, it's good for me and i get it only from people who truly care. hang in there, i would kill to be at your weight. xoxo

Donkey - Thursday Sep 18, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 119.5

Believe it or not, my weight was as high as 125.5 this week. The anxiety I'm experiencing has been just overwhelming. I continually feel on edge and like I cannot get enough air into my lungs.

It has been difficult to read many of diaries here that have lists of foods, since, in response to my anxiety, I have felt a strong urge to binge. And I have been FIGHTING that urge with every ounce of my strength.

I'm not sure what the solution is...

Progress as of today: 24.5 lbs lost so far, only -10.5 lbs to go!

loveray on 09/18/2008:
hang in there! dont read others diaries if it is going to throw you off. i know that staring at food lists is not really helpful when in binge mode. maybe you can get out of the house, take some deep breaths and listen to your soul- there is something there you have not been paying attention to, and when you address it maybe your food and general anxieties will start to fall away. love to you!

Agent_Guber on 09/18/2008:
I am so sorry for what you are going though, I am thinking about you.

WI3 on 09/18/2008:
Does your gym have a sauna and/or a steam room? If they do, take 5 or 10 minutes for yourself in one of those. It is something that I found that when I do this at the gym..it really feels delicious. I call it my 'spa day' it really relaxes me. So does getting my eyebrows waxed LOL spending $7 to get the eyebrows waxed, even though I COULD do it at home..just somehow makes me feel really amazing.

Horn_Of_Plenty on 09/18/2008:
what about going to a support group for overeating or something? do you have any of that by you? if you have the time, during the day, this may help. or, look into getting a job in the area might be a good way to spend time if this is what is causing you to binge - i myself like to keep somewhat busy as it prevents me from binging. just a thought. if you don't like these suggestions, that's cool too of course. :)

donk, i hope you feel better soon. i am so sorry that you feel this way. i know what you mean about the food lists because sometimes reading diaries has done the same thing to me! i totally know what you mean.

maybe go walking in the evening a couple times a week with another mom in the area?

talk to us.

WI3 on 09/18/2008:
that is a great suggestion HOP made! I had actually considered signing up for TOPS just for the community feeling of it all..the in person thing. I just can't find one around me with times I am good with. Hang in there dear Donkey!

grumpy on 09/24/2008:
How has your therapy been? still doing that? fighting the urge to binge is great but we need to find a way to get to the root of the problem, no? hang in there, lots of kisses and good vibes to you!~ xo

Donkey - Saturday Sep 13, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 119.0

I fought a good fight tonight (Saturday). Actually, I started fighting binge urges (?) around 2p. Right after dinner was the hardest. I had an extra dish of frozen watermelon and then went upstairs, away from the kitchen.

This urge is anxiety-related, but with no specific trigger.

So I think... regardless of what the scale says tomorrow, that it is more important NOT to be bingeing than to see a particular number on the scale.

I am planning on staying around this number for a long time anyways....

Progress as of today: 25 lbs lost so far, only -11 lbs to go!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 09/14/2008:
good job donkey! :) glad you didn't give in! neither did i! keep up the good work and keep updating!

greengirl on 09/14/2008:
Good for you, girl :)

WI3 on 09/16/2008:
Fantastic that you stayed away from the binge!!! I agree with the number on the scale comment. It is so hard but it is so worth it. Hope you are having a great day!

Donkey - Friday Sep 12, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 121.0

OK, so we're due for another weekend....

I'm sorry I cannot go into detail about what is troubling me IRL. Maybe some day I can, but right now, I cannot. What I can say is that it has me very troubled and upset. It challenges everything I thought I was, as a person and a mother, and who other people were and are capable of doing to another person. It's hard to believe that there are "good people" out there who would stoop so low to bring someone down to nothing, just to save their own a***s.

Monday and Tuesday were particularly hard. On Monday, I believe I ate a whole half-gallon of ice cream. Or maybe it was Tuesday. Or maybe it was the peanut butter and Nutella (chocolate hazelnut spread). I don't know -- I can't remember. Ha, it's bad when all of your binges start to blend in together, eh? (weak laugh & wry smile)

Anyway, so my weight was up to 124.5 on Tuesday, but it's on its way back down again. After the last binge, I made a conscious effort to change how I see some of my trigger foods. Several years back, I made the decision or realization that I could no longer have any potato chips (crisps, for my friends in the UK) in the house. If I did, I would eat them all. Sometimes I go through this with peanut butter (where I have to get it out of the house completely), and lately it's been with ice cream.

So I put all of the ice cream out in the garage freezer. (Thank GOD for that freezer.) Anyone who wants ice cream has to go out there and get it himself and serve him or herself. I don't go near it, I don't serve it, I don't smell/touch/handle/taste it. I don't dare.

And I'm hoping that I can get to the point with ice cream as I am with potato chips.

Yesterday was Thursday and I was very depressed. But I think I'm coming out of that now. Part of that depression may have been due to coming off of a sugar-high from Monday/Tuesday. It also could have been due to hormones, as PMS is about to kick in, in a few days. Or it could have been my IRL circumstances. Hard to tell... I was glad that I could tell my therapist.

It's ironic, because I'm seeing this therapist for PTSD and related anxiety, yet my "old ghosts" of eating issues and depression seem to keep popping up. I don't want to spend my time/$ working on these "old ghosts"; I want to deal with the issue at hand. Unfortunately, things aren't always so perfect......

My Husband has to work 12 hour shifts both Saturday and Sunday. Another lonely weekend....

Progress as of today: 23 lbs lost so far, only -9 lbs to go!

Agent_Guber on 09/12/2008:
I am going through that myself. I am sorry you are feeling this way too. I say I don't know why I am depressed but I do, I just don't want to open up with it all. It is devastating to think of. Anyways, I am sorry for what you are going through. (((HUGS)))

Horn_Of_Plenty on 09/12/2008:
sorry to hear about your ongoing struggle and that it has been more difficult as of late. i totally understand how it must feel. i will also have a difficult time this weekend with all the treats around me. i may just try to stay busy. that is my plan. and tonight i'll take a break from the gym and just study.

hormones probably play a MUCH larger role than we think. i went to attempt to donate blood yesterday and i had low iron. and they measure twice...once on each hand. low iron may have affected my binge today...gonna look that up.

i believe that if anything this website helps us stay on track. i am proud of you for continuing to stay positive on the eating end of this. btw, eating issues will probably always be with us...as they sometimes remain a way of coping with more difficult issues. it is up to us to find better ways...

WI3 on 09/13/2008:
Donkey, no need to explain. It is evident that you are going through such a difficult time in your life right now..and no matter what it is, I'm over here rooting for you and understanding the feelings that come with it...if not the exact situation. I know what you mean about dealing with the old ghosts..it is exhausting to think that you had those things solved, and then they come back around. I stopped thinking I had to solve everything and just decided to focus on dealing with it instead. I think I'll carry some of my crosses for a long time, if not forever.

I do admire your dedication to yourself and your health. Both physical and mental. Your husband has a job that requires sooooooooooo much time away from home...so does Brian. Sometimes I just want to call his boss and scream at him..can't you guys survive without him working fifteen hours a day? But it wouldn't do any good anyway. There is something harder about being alone with someone, than being alone by ourselves. And once in a while I find it feels really good to throw a huge fit!

The biggest problem I am having right now is not trying to control everyone else, and I am finding that I am not as good at controlling myself as I thought. Without caring for everyone else, I have to really be alone with myself..and sometimes that is really uncomfortable. And then I turn to food. It sucks! But I am trying to break that attitude addiction. Like you, there are things that I simply cannot have in the house..chocolate is my big thing. If I buy chocolate, I will eat all of it. I sure won't throw it away!

Take care of yourself.

greengirl on 09/13/2008:
I wish there was something I could say to help. Try to keep your chin up, Donkey !

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