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Donkey - Tuesday Feb 24, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 131.5

This morning (Tuesday), I weighed in a pound heavier - 132.5 - and I'm not sweating it (duh!). 

But I didn't do too well today.  So I expect that my weight will be accurately reflected by the weight tracker tomorrow.

I met with my new therapist today.  He's very results oriented, which is good. 

He's very focused on giving his clients the tools that are needed to cope with emotions.  He's not so much interested in WHY the emotions are there.  He's very focused on identifying patterns of behaviors (for example, if I were someone who continually chose abusive men for partners) and then using those tools to break those patterns.

This is just what I need for where I'm at, because in the past 2 months, I have been able to identify the motivation behind some of these patterns.  But I need more than to say, "Oh this is why I do that".  I need something that will help me say, "Uh oh, I'm headed in that direction, let's make a better choice."

However, I'm not sure he can help me with all of my issues.  I have a particular issue that I need to forgive myself for, but it is just so inherently evil to me that I don't see how I can.  That is to say, I would find this so awful in someone else; and now that it's me, I have to deal with that awfulness myself.

(Just so you are not worried, it's not a criminal felony action.  It's more of a point of view / perspective issue.)

So I thought everything was going well, and then my husband and I had a HUGE ARGUMENT in the afternoon, and I didn't want to eat after that, so my calories were way low today.  Again, it was another pattern repeating itself.  It caught me at a vulnerable moment and my husband totally mishandled it.  My husband never understands me. 

And talk about patterns repeating themselves, restricting calories like that only serves to set me up for a binge.  So I must get back on track tomorrow, or as soon as possible.  Prolonged calorie deprivation will backfire on me.

I'm starting to wonder if my husband is healthy for me.  Sometimes I think that he feeds into my dysfunctional patterns.  I wonder if he's a pattern I need to break.

(Relax, not literally "break" his physical or even his spiritual self; I meant, maybe I would be healthier if we weren't together.  I think that's something I want to address during my time with this therapist.)

Needless to say, now I can't sleep, which is why I'm here at DD right now.  I sure do hope Wednesday is a better day....

Progress as of today: 12.5 lbs lost so far, only 1.5 lbs to go!

loveray on 02/25/2009:
props to you for being willing to take on therapy and to try to break those unhealthy patterns- i hope that things with your husband got a bit better! have a great day. xoxo


starfish on 02/25/2009:
Sending you big hugs this morning.


thinnside40 on 02/25/2009:
Hope your Wednesday HAS been better for you :-)


Horn_Of_Plenty on 02/25/2009:
i see there is some stress in this entry although i just skimmed it...will check up on you either tomorrow or fri...



Donkey - Saturday Feb 21, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 131.5

Weighed in today after a couple of days (?) of not weighing in.  I thought it would be prudent because TOM is starting and I wanted to have an accurate number to program into the cardio machines at the gym, for my weight, for an accurate "calories burned" read-out.

The irony is that those cardio machines are way off on how many calories you burn.  The bike doesn't even ask me for my weight, so I assume that the "calories burned" are for the average 150lb person.  And the elliptical totally overestimates the read-out. 

But I seem to be staying within maintenance range reasonably well.  I have been binge-free all week.  And I was free last week with the exception of an emotional eating day I had that was directly related to a specific, stressful event (an appointment).  So while eating wasn't the BEST way to deal with the need for comfort, I think it was understandable and even within normal parameters of total calories for the day (around 3500 in total that day, I think? that would make the binge around 2000 calories).

Another positive thing about last week's binge -- and I just realized this -- was that I binged in anticipation of the event, NOT in reaction to the meeting.  So once I tackled the task, I was able to resume normalcy.  It was the anxiety of the unknown that frightened me.

I have to think that there is a better way to deal with this "anticipation anxiety" than eating.  I just have to know what it is, learn how to do it, and then do it.  So there is HOPE. 

I have HOPE!!!!!

Progress as of today: 12.5 lbs lost so far, only 1.5 lbs to go!

mama_nurse on 02/21/2009:
Have a wonderful day!!


haha_love2laugh on 02/21/2009:
You binged last week and still lost weight, thats good, plain and simple. KEEP IT UP!!!


thinnside40 on 02/21/2009:
Hmmmmmmmmmmmm..... Read, crochet, deep clean (like spring clean), re-organize something, sing, I don't know...... I have to work on knowing what to do come a couple weeks from now & I start (hoping not to though) going through the "monthly munchies" course.....Anticipation, not reaction.... Never thought that deeply about that too much.... Thought to ponder!

have a good day!


Horn_Of_Plenty on 02/22/2009:
i would say at least 70% of my binging is pre-event, anxiety related. i binge before studying/tests and the like. the majority is definitely before.


Horn_Of_Plenty on 02/22/2009:
have a GREAT week! :)



Donkey - Tuesday Feb 17, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 133.5

I feel like I'm falling apart today.  I am not falling apart.  I will NOT fall apart.  But I FEEL like I'm falling apart.

Where's a flying bullet when you need it?...

Progress as of today: 10.5 lbs lost so far, only 3.5 lbs to go!

legcramps on 02/17/2009:
Don't fall apart. You won't fall apart. I was looking for the flying bullet, too.


omahagrl on 02/17/2009:
I had the italian night club. Bad part was if I only ate 1/2 it would have been 470. They have the best bread and mayo sauce in the world. Next time if I have to have one I split it with MJ.

Don't fall apart sister! Close your eyes, smell the bread and have a virtual Jimmy Johns with me.....mmmmmmm Mayo

((((HUGS)))))


Horn_Of_Plenty on 02/17/2009:
it's been so difficult. i wish we could just get in our minds and make them happy forever.


WI3 on 02/18/2009:
Hey there donkey!!! Congrats on the new therapist! Way to go! That is huge to actually transfer your trust to another doctor. Way to go, for real =)

I've had to weigh myself EVERY DAY, doctors orders, and I HATE HATE HATE it. So, if I didn't have to,I would LOVE to not step on the scale except once per week.

Hang in there me dear....hang in there!


rimaima on 02/20/2009:
Thank you so much for your comment about leaving my baby at the gym's daycare! My main issue is worrying that the lady will eventually tell me that he is too disruptive and she can not handle his crying, and then I will have to make other arrangements (which would be nearly impossible right now!) At least he is not kicking or screaming or hitting anyone, just stands there bawling, would be almost funny if it weren't my own kid. But I am hesitant to actually commit to going to the gym regularly until I see that he will not cry so much in the daycare. And you are right, he needs to get over this seperation thing NOW before he actaully starts school in a few years. Yesterday he did talk to another little girl, but, of course, she kept taking his toys away, something he has never experienced before.

Whatever you are going thru, I hope you get thru it. Hang in there!


Horn_Of_Plenty on 02/20/2009:
your suggestion to mix weight training and cardio is a great one. my reason for mostly cardio is specifically bc i feel i do NOT get in enough physical activity everyday and i hate doing the minimum (30 minutes). that's my reason. i know i should do weight training but i don't have the time to fit it in for me...rather i don't want to. i know it's healthy though and i may start doing it in the late spring.


Horn_Of_Plenty on 02/20/2009:
i think next year it is something i will start doing again for sure....with semi private weight training sessions like i once did. we'll see.



Donkey - Sunday Feb 15, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 134.5

I really need to stop weighing myself every day.  I know this is where I'm supposed to be at, but the number is so disappointing because it doesn't tell the whole story.  My arms are quite defined now and my legs are way less flabby and hard to the touch.  (Yes, I guess I feel up my own legs, but I'm not a perv, I promise you!)

I do not have much new to report.  I'm just trying to get through the remainder of the weekend.  Blasted holiday tomorrow in the U.S. (stupid Presidents' Day -- no mail, no school, no nothing), so I'm going to have the kids make ice cream.  They've made it before (a Christmas gift, thanks to Husband's obnoxious aunt and filthy rich husband), and it hasn't been a binge trigger. 

But now I'm not so sure.  I'm feeling so depressed tonight.  I was feeling stronger and happier yesterday.  Today has been a steady and rapidly increasing decline in mood.  I'm glad that there will be a new episode of Desperate Housewives to escape into.

Since the kids are home from school tomorrow, I will be going to the gym early.  My knee and foot are feeling considerably better.  They still hurt, though; I'm still taking medication; I still have to wear my gym shoes all the time.  But yesterday was the first time that I actually noticed feeling better.

For Valentine's Day, I insisted that my family go to our favorite family restaurant.  I got a "French Dip" sandwich, which is very salty, but the scale was down this morning, so I am glad for that.  This eating more approach really seems to be working better for me.

I'm crawling out of the hole, slowly.  It's scary how easy it is to fall back into step with old demons.  I'd still do just about anything to be down to 116 like I was over the summer.  I looked GOOD.  I felt light.

Progress as of today: 9.5 lbs lost so far, only 4.5 lbs to go!

haha_love2laugh on 02/15/2009:
I have the same problem with myself and the scale I HAVE TO WEIGH MYSELF EVERY DAY!!!! ughhh


belly on 02/15/2009:
Eep, should I admit I sometimes weigh in twice a day? Obsessive-Compulsive for sure. We have a holiday up here in Manitoba as well tomorrow, and no excuse to not go to the gym in the a.m. Just the bike. You know, to make you feel better, your present weight is my goal weight. 116 sounds insane. But I know how you mean by feeling "light". I miss it terribly.


Horn_Of_Plenty on 02/16/2009:
hi donk donk! so, from what you write, you sound like a muscle-woman! and i bet you do look wonderful. btw, i'm still doing pushups! thanks only to you. i usually do 3 sets. the first is 15 reps. then 10-15. then about 10 in the last. hopefully i can build myself up to 3 sets of 15 reps..and then beyond!

good job sticking to your plan and NOT getting nutty about the weight end of it. you're doing good, put the scale in a closet or something!


biscottibody59 on 02/16/2009:
Thanks for the comment--looks like you're hangin' in there--spring must be around the corner.

To your comment, I guess my point was that I never weighed myself when I was 13. I could have weighed 110 or even 105--it wasn't an issue. I first remember weighing MYSELF when I was a Sr in HS.

Part of my point (I guess) was that I "just don't get it."

Actually, I don't long to be a 13y/o again, nor to weigh 120--not a realistic weight for me:-) It was an observation prompted by haha_love2laugh, who is 13.

Have a good one!


superstarr on 02/16/2009:
We have similiar binge eating issues! Interesting! My trigger foods are nuts and cream in my coffee. Go figure! Oh and STAY OFF THAT SCALE! It can ruin my entire day if I get on it too much.


thinnside40 on 02/16/2009:
Here is a "reality" ~ 1# of fat = size of a grapefruit.... 1# of muscle = size of a baseball.. I'm after the baseball, not the grapefruit.... I don't care if the scale says "less" or not, as long as I am becoming muscular & not continuing in the "fat" ratio.....

Have a good day with your kids......Take a deep breath and think about one positive thing today that may bring a smile to your face.....



Donkey - Friday Feb 13, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 135.5

I have no idea what I weigh today....

Today was another anxiety-filled day.  I have been eating more than usual but no bingeing.  For example, my breakfast was my usual oatmeal and coffee, but then I also had a yogurt and a cup of fruit.

Now I am hungry/binge-y but I had a cup of fruit and a chunk of broccoli to hold me until dinner.  So it's been good, healthy food.  Just too much of it.

I was wondering this afternoon "Why am I so hungry?"  I think it's because I lifted (weight trained) heavy today.  I upped my weights on just about every exercise.  And even though that doesn't burn a lot of calories, I think it must do something to my appetite.  I'm going to be OK though.  It'll just be one of those Hungry Days that I have from time to time.

I don't know if I mentioned this here or not, but I did find a new therapist.  I start with him in a week and a half.  And this time I will talk about my eating issues, in addition to my post-traumatic stress, depression and anxiety, because I want to deal with all of this.  No sense in treating one thing, if the other things aren't getting addressed.

A special note to borntocry:  I miss you!  I'm so glad you dropped by.  I hope you are doing ok with the new job (which is old by now) and your husband and your family.  Take care and know that I think of you often!

Progress as of today: 8.5 lbs lost so far, only 5.5 lbs to go!

YepItsMe~ on 02/13/2009:
Good luck with your new therapist, I think you're right about addressing all your issues~no sense in leaving something out that is causing strife in your life~

Wishing you a great night!


Horn_Of_Plenty on 02/13/2009:
it's good to start with a new therapist. perhaps also another issue with the old one is that you got used to each other. or, she/he simply had no other advice to give you/ran out of helpful advice.

...one day i'll have to try this whole therapy thing out!


thinnside40 on 02/13/2009:
Happy Happy Happy Dance.... I am so glad you found someone new to try.... Plus going to talk about ALL issues you deal with.... I bet you will understand yourself and how to deal with all issues in the right way this time... I just feel it for you......

Good Evenin!



Donkey - Wednesday Feb 11, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 135.5

I had the best binge yesterday.  I knew it was coming.  I had better (but not perfect) food prepared for it.  It went so well, I was almost happy about it, except that it was indeed a binge.

(((If reading about foods binged on is a TRIGGER for you, stop reading now and just know that Donkey is OK.)))

I had an appointment in the afternoon that I was dreading.  After lunch is when the binge started.  I had made some crustless pumpkin pie sh** that isn't so damaging if made with Splenda, but when I make it with Splenda, it has a funny aftertaste --- which I now believe is actually due to the quality of the pumpkin pie spice I'm using and NOT the Splenda.

So I had made it with sugar, which of course adds the calories on like you wouldn't believe.  So I finished the pie, which was like 6 pieces.  Then I had a cup of chocolate chips.  I had a block of mozzarella cheese too, which was probably around 4-6 oz.

I ate this in the course of an hour (or less).

Afterwards, I was full, but not sick.  I didn't even have a sugar buzz.  I was not physically uncomfortable either.  I went to the appointment and came home and had a light supper (salad, and then pudding later on for dessert).

When I got dressed for bed, I was looking at my body and I was actually PLEASED.  I didn't feel or look bloated at all.  I felt that I looked muscular.  Weight trainers load up on carbs right before a competition to fill out the body to make the muscle definition show better.  I wonder if that's what happened here.

I had problems sleeping but not due to the binge.  I weighed in this morning and lost weight from the morning before.

So what I learned from this is:

1.  I need to eat a larger lunch and make my dinners lighter.

2.  If I anticipate a binge, it would be wise to have something "prepared" that has some nutritional value and or compensation for calories (i.e. a lower calorie alternative).

It was a very strange day indeed. 

Progress as of today: 8.5 lbs lost so far, only 5.5 lbs to go!

thinnside40 on 02/11/2009:
I like how you put it "perfect binge"..... You are learning your system & working with it, instead of going against the desires/wants of your body..... Preparation sometime (99% of the time) is the best thing we can do... Tossing out all the bad choices and stocking up on only healthy ones is something I would love to do, but having a family (woth a 15 yr & 9 yr old, plus 5,3 & 1 year old) makes it hard to NOT have any chips, bars, etc around.... I can remember living on my own though and driving to the store when I WANTED something so badly..... Discipline is a word I dont' use enough in my journey... I'm trying to change that.. Used to be much better about it, but I think once I got used to the fact that it was "acceptable" and "tolerated" by other people of me to "fail".. It weakened me a bit... I can't use that excuse anymore, it is ruining my plan... I need to be self-accountable (AGAIN)

Have a terrific Wednesday & Thanks for being here!


Horn_Of_Plenty on 02/11/2009:
lol. i usually don't get big sugar rushes after binges anymore either...which is probably NOT a good thing!

i agree...that when a person is in the mood to eat GOOD food...bingy food...to plan it out somewhat.

i hope that you are good today! :)


panda22 on 02/11/2009:
Hey Donkey, I too have the problem with binging once in awhile and I think your approach to it was very cool and especially your reaction to your body afterwards as one of happiness and not disgust. I'm proud of you! Planning smart choices for it instead of reaching for junk is awesome and it's good that you realize that while binging is not a good thing in itself, if it does happen it doesn't have to be a overly BAD thing either as long as you see it coming, cope with it, and learn ways to avoid it later on...which is exactly what you did! KUDOS!!! Have a great night!


borntocry on 02/12/2009:
I always think that if you don't feel sick or even uncomfortable after a binge, it's because you really needed that food. I used to binge frequently back when I was starving myself all the time (no surprise why) and it's surprising to me now, looking back at my old entries, to see that even though I was always wracked with guilt afterwards, it rarely put a dent in my progress. I think you need, perhaps not a "binge" but a larger-than-normal amount of food from time to time to keep your body from going into starvation mode and even boost your metabolism a little.

It's better than eating huge amounts every single day, which is what I've been doing for the past year or so...


Jen40 on 02/12/2009:
Just wanted to say Hi and that I'm thinking of you.


skinnyfatgirl on 02/13/2009:
nope.. when she is in heat.. she humps anything thats near me and she wines while she does it..

I hate it..

the Cubs logo would be great!.. a picture of his dog is just too much



Donkey - Monday Feb 09, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 135.0

My weight is UP!!!!  135.0!!!!  This is just driving me nuts.  I'm tired of being in the 130s.  I'm tired of having a big butt.  I'm tired of having thick thighs.  I hate this.

But on the happy side, I felt well enough to do the elliptical today.  I tried both the Precor and the Life Fitness (with the moving handlebars), and in spite of loving the LF model better -- it's just more fun -- I will be doing the Precor, because of the position of my foot on the pedal.  My foot does not lift nor flex on the Precor (it's more straight across), whereas, on the other ellipticals, I lift my heels up, which flexes my arch, which is where my foot is sore. 

I think I'm going to change up my cardio routine.  I actually appreciate riding the recumbent bike now.  So I think I will do 30 min on the bike and 30 on the elliptical.  A nice mix and keeps me limited to an hour of cardio.

Progress as of today: 9 lbs lost so far, only 5 lbs to go!

thinnside40 on 02/09/2009:
Tiredness/BLAH ~ I think it is the let-down after all the "stuff" I've been going through the last 2 weeks, TOM showed up, hip pain that I took 1/2 Vicodin for last night & getting woke up this morning by kids arriving EARLY without prior notice (grrrrr).... Plus not being the greatest @ keeping on track, getting in 14 miles of walking within the last 2 days.... Etc.....

So, I have been outside raking leaves, weeds, cutting back peonies & roses, sweeping the front porch trying to get in the "right" frame of mind & NOT back to "who cares?"..... I have 10 months to reach this goal and by grab I'm going to keep telling myself yes/no at the RIGHT times.....

Good day..... I'll trade ya butt & thighs :O)


loveray on 02/09/2009:
sounds like a great plan! i know it sounds counter-intuitive, but try thinking positive thoughts about your butt and thighs and see how this might change your relationship with your body and your mind. xoxo


haha_love2laugh on 02/09/2009:
i think yuor exercise plan seems reasonable and fun. i dont know what it is, but unless i'm actually running to go somewhere i cant run. hhmm


starfish on 02/09/2009:
*hugs* for you. Great job with the exercise :-)


panda22 on 02/10/2009:
Changing up the exercise makes it less monotonous...at least I think so! =) Yeah the roller-coaster is a bummer but hang in there and don't give up! If you are able to keep making good choices with food/exercise it won't matter what that darn number says because you can stop and think "Hey my weight may have gone up a pound, but it's probably muscle or water"...as opposed to.... "Mannnnn there's that quarter pounder with cheese from last night!" lol Hang in there Donkey! Have a great Tuesday! PS - Weren't there plots of blowing up the scale or making it disappear until next week...See memo below! lol =P **hugs**


legcramps on 02/10/2009:
Big butt, thick thighs. All my problems, too... yikes, I hope we can BOTH get through it!



Donkey - Sunday Feb 08, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 134.0

Memo to Donkey:

STOP WEIGHING YOURSELF EVERY DAY.

IT WILL DRIVE YOU CRAZY.

SINCERELY YOURS,

DONKEY

 

Thanks, thinnside40, for suggesting I get Husband to put away the scale.  I had forgotten about Maria having to go weigh herself at the supermarket.  Ha ha, that brought a huge smile to my face.  I could totally see myself doing something like that. :-)

 

Progress as of today: 10 lbs lost so far, only 4 lbs to go!

haha_love2laugh on 02/08/2009:
your so close to your goal!!! 4 pounds to go!!!


Horn_Of_Plenty on 02/08/2009:
hey...it's the usual. mostly lonliness i think.

i am glad to see you on here. :)


panda22 on 02/09/2009:
Donkey you are truly the bringer of smiles today =) I agree completely with your statement and will second it! LOL @ weighing oneself at the supermarket! I can just imagine a manager passing by casually and being stopped short at that sight! lol Good times good times ((and much love to Maria btw))! lol Thanks for that! Disregard the "MON" and have a great day! =D


loveray on 02/09/2009:
thanks for the sweet comment and for making me laugh! i hope you had a great weekend. xoxo



Donkey - Saturday Feb 07, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 133.0

Here we go again...  Up, down, up, down.  I shouldn't weigh myself every day.  I don't know why this started up again.

This isn't a REAL loss.  Just one of those odd fluctuations, I'm sure of it.

Progress as of today: 11 lbs lost so far, only 3 lbs to go!

thinnside40 on 02/07/2009:
Maybe have your hubby HIDE the scale except for every 3rd day or something ????? Remember when Maria's hubby took her scales from her completely and she would go to the grocery store to weigh ??????..... I know moderation is a hard thing to accomplish and easier said than done...Today probably not the greates of all for me to talk of "moderation", but you can do it.... I KNOW YoU CAN!!!!!!!!! Don't hit the panic button(s)......

Have a good evening.....


starfish on 02/07/2009:
Hi there :-) Thanks for the comment. Have a nice evening.


Horn_Of_Plenty on 02/07/2009:
:)



Donkey - Thursday Feb 05, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 134.0

OK, well, at least I was at 134.0 again this morning.  But why am I weighing myself every morning??  No weigh-in tomorrow.

Maybe it's the change in the exercise routine that has me paranoid.  Must learn to *breathe deep* and *let go*...  No weigh-in tomorrow.

I had not planned on writing tonight but I am feeling depressed.  I am going to start seeing a new therapist.  The old therapist and I had a conflict of morals.  I was going to see him again, but Husband said, "No way, he's a JERK!" and put his foot down.  And I don't object, because I know he's right and he's only looking out for me, even though it saddens me that I failed myself with yet another therapist.  Am I really that unrepairable?

Progress as of today: 10 lbs lost so far, only 4 lbs to go!

thinnside40 on 02/05/2009:
NO YOU ARE NOT unrepairable!...... Nor do I believe your unattractive with long hair...... I have tried to wear longer hair, but had a barber for a dad.... I was often called a "boy" when I was growing up with the bocked hair cuts.... and being obese at that time in my life as well.... I LOVE shorter, spiky do's, but not til I get to goal or even lower will I attempt something so risky..... I will tell you a lil' secret or 2 too..... I LOVE the look of a tiny nose stud (wouldn't mind having one, but my family would "Freak out"..Hubby wouldn't as I have asked & he said as long as it wasn't gawdy looking...) and I also wouldn't mind getting a "hidden tatoo" to commemerate my 82#'s being gone to remind me of all the hard work it will have taken to reach that goal...Probably neither will ever happen as far as piercing or tatooing.... Just a couple fantasies...

Hang in there with the therapist situation(s).... Sometimes I think those type of things area bout like buying a "sued car"... Have to go through some lemons to reach a dependable...... Feel your self-worth my firend, cause you are worth the effort you put into bettering your physical & mental health, but within reason of course (hint hint)...

Not to sound corny or anything Donk, but everyone (or most I should say) here @ DD has a piece of my heart and I say "I love you" just as you are.... I'm far from perfect and have a long ways to go, but I think it is important for us to spread what love or positive vibes each other's way in each of our struggles, no matter what that may be.....

Have a good evening and I'm thankful for you hubby stepping foot down to protect you!


thinnside40 on 02/05/2009:
Geeze.. A USED car... I can't read beyond a certain point in the comment field when I'm typing....


mama_nurse on 02/05/2009:
Gosh...I'm sorry you're having a tough time...hope you have a great night:)) and good job for posting and sticking to your routine!!!


loveray on 02/06/2009:
im feeling really down this week too...maybe its something about winter! i am actually seeking a new therapist as well. at least you are willing to take a look at your "stuff" and possibly receive help. happy friday- take a deep breath and smile. xoxo



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