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Grumpy - Sunday Nov 23, 2008
(Counting calories, exercising and DD)
Weight: 172.8

Spent all weekend with J, and had a great time. eating was okay, not great, but i ate little. We had a good time but some issues, we talked some about them this morning and we decided to have a conversation tomorrow or tuesday. He asked me for a day or so to organize his thoughts. it wont happen, because he won't change in a day or two if he hasn't in a year or so.

I am sad, but i've been sadder than this. I am a little numb as far as breaking up with him goes. I love him, but I want a real relationship.

 

Hadn't have breakfast yet. Will update later.

Progress as of today: 29.2 lbs lost so far, only 22.8 lbs to go!

WI3 on 11/23/2008:
I wished I liked things like avocado and hearts of palms, it always sounds good but I dont' like it lol.

It seems like J can go for a while without you, and then when HE can't stand not having you around him showering him with ego-feeding adoration...he starts to push you away. Then he can go back out into the world and be 'the man' until he ends up alone and needs you back to make him feel good. He isn't making you feel good, you are making yourself feel good when you are 'allowed' to come back in his life and take care of him. Women like to take care of men. But women will only go so long before they realize that the guy they are with is a selfish ass who is just using the fact that the woman needs to be around him to feel complete and then when he has enough, he can call 'me time' or 'need to get my thoughts together' and push us away. This makes us feel like it is somehow our fault, that we somehow aren't cute, sexy, or good enough and THAT feeling is what keeps us going back..trying to make sure we do 'have it' but we are using a schmuck to measure ourselves with. Sometimes it isn't love that we feel that gives us that need to go back to the person..it is the need to make sense of it, to know that we are good enough...we go back seeking THEIR validation that WE are good enough. Truth be told, we are TOO GOOD for that type of person. We go back, they suck the life out of us, and when THEY are full, when THEY have been validated by our caring for them....they push us away and take what we gave them and give it away to people who don't really care about them. And when they are empty of ego or validation...yep, they call us 'good girls' back to build them up again. It isn't just a "J" thing either. It is a 'some guys' thing. Some guys aren't confident in themselves and need women to validate them, but they don't know what to do with us once they are validated. And they are too selfish to give anything of themselves back to us. Selfish is the word that comes to mind. Guys like that, they never change. And they never give to any woman, no matter what she looks like, anything of themselves unless it means that THEY get more back in return. And they go through women and eventually settle down with one only because they are afraid to be alone without someone feeding their ego all the time. Those women that end up with guys like that are not strong women, they are women who have such low self esteem that they need the little pats on the head or the constant 'work' of keeping someone like that happy. Unless your self esteem is so low that you need to forget all about you in order to make your entire world about him, you will never find what you are looking for with this guy. The longer you waste yourself investing in a guy who comes and goes at HIS whim who doesn't take YOUR needs into consideration...the bigger chance you take of totally missing the one man in the world who will make you happy forever. Love is not selfish..yeah, some guys need to be reminded about things sometimes..but personally, in my opinion, J is using you because you have a soft heart for him and YOU make HIM feel good. Once he is full of love for himself courtesy of you...then Manu gets put on the back burner and suffers greatly, while he spends time going out with other people until he no longer is full of love for himself. As you can see, NONE of these other women he goes out with is sticking around. Perhaps they can see what you can't. And when he runs out of ego, he comes back to you. He knows he can because he knows you suffer when you aren't with him and he knows you feel grateful and thankful when he returns. And he might not be doing it maliciously, but he is doing it. Come on, this long he has been around and he still needs time to think?? He's sleeping with you, going on trips with you, hanging out with you and your friends and family, you've broke up with him, gone back to him, and he still needs to push you away and 'think'?? I say give him the rest of his life to think and find you a man who KNOWS what he wants and doesn't feel the need to push and pull you to try and figure himself out. J isn't strong enough for you. I say, tell J that YOU have thought about it and YOU want a real relationship and obviously it won't be with HIM. There is no shame in telling a guy that you have THIS MUCH invested in, that you want something back in return. It isn't selfish and it isn't a 'deal breaker'. If you walk away from him forever, what are you really losing out on?? A guy who comes and goes? A guy who makes you feel good one day and then destroys you the next? And HE isn't even the one making you feel good by anything he says or does. It is YOU making yourself feel good because you feel you have him. And then he doesn't have any problem letting you know that you don't. He has way too much control over all of this and your desires are not being taken care of. You have left him many times for the same thing...you want a relationship and he isn't sure. You give him time to 'think' he wiggles his finger and you go back full of hope and thinking this is finally it..and a few weeks later....he pushes you away again. Who really NEEDS that in their life to feel complete? You see some good things in him and you are trying to force them to be what you are looking for...and you are trying to manipulate the situation in order to make it what you want. And no matter what you try, it isn't what you want. And THAT is going to take chunks out of your self esteem and your joy. Stop giving him your life. He is not worth it and I don't know hwo much clearer he can be in showing you that he doesn't want a life with you. He wants you because you make him feel good. He cannot reciprocate. He might not be a 'bad' guy..but he sure doesn't seem like the guy YOU are looking for. So stop trying to be what HE wants...and go find what YOU want. You will find someone who clicks and then you will kick yourself in the butt for wasting as much time on J as you have. But I will say that you going back and forth with J has probably taught you a lot about what you are looking for. So there is something good that you can take from it. Don't leave because you feel defeated, leave because you know what you want and he isn't it. =)


thinnside40 on 11/23/2008:
Meg & I just toasted us a glass of Emergen-C and I thought about you..... I had to "compete" with her to get it down, but she did it!.. Nothing like a mother's reverse psychology tactics... hehehehhe

SOrry hun that you are going through all of this *J* up/down, but I do think it will make you a stronger woman in the next relationship you have.... whether it be with him or someone else down the road... Your a "catch" and someone will be so fortunate to have you as their friend, partner & true soul-mate....

Good week ahead my dear, even if YOU have to make it that way..... Happy thoughts!


thinnside40 on 11/23/2008:
Well, you can't say you haven't given it 110%, nor didn't communicate what you NEED... That is alot more than some women do and suffer a long time for NOT stepping up & admitting what they are worth in a relationship.. I know it is hard and to tell you that you will feel better is no consolation right now, but do know that it will get better as you resolve to yourself that it isn't going to be an equal contribution in order to make it work and satisfy what you both need....

He still may come around one day, but in the meantime, you can't sit around "waiting" if an opportunity knocks to..OPen the door! : o )


skinnyjeans on 11/23/2008:
I know everything will work out for the best...but dating is hard! I hope you and J resolve everything and live happily ever after! :)


abdab74 on 11/24/2008:
Aw, sweetie, I am sorry his first instinct was not what you has hoped (to declare his timeless devotion right there on the spot). I am proud of you for being realistic, for knowing your worth, and for being open-minded enough to give love as many chances as it might take until you are sure...I hope everything works out the way you want it, but if it doesn't just know that true love does exist, maybe not in the fairy-tale way we all dream of as little girls, but in little chunks of compromise and laughter. You'll get there one day. Kisses!!!!



Grumpy - Friday Nov 21, 2008
(Counting calories, exercising and DD)
Weight: 172.8

Had a good night with J last night. Super healthy dinner I made for us: salad with spinach, tomatoes, hearts of palms and avocado with olive oil, lemon juice, little salt and pepper. Also made whole wheat bruschetta with tomatoes and basil and for desert, baked pear with yogurt. The trick is to make a mix of lemon juice, honey and water and pour over the pears before baking them, so tender and tasty.

We saw a good show and danced a lot. We got home by 1am, which is not too bad, but i still couldn't sleep well and am super tired tonight. He said he wants to come over tonight for us to watch Wall-E and he wants to go get some brunch this weekend somewhere new. :)

B: superfood juice 250

L: big mediterranean plate, rice, salad, sauce, meats, no idea how many cal 800?

Progress as of today: 29.2 lbs lost so far, only 22.8 lbs to go!

sweetpea1977 on 11/21/2008:
Glad you had a nice night with J...and a superhealthy one to boot! YAY!

Enjoy your evening and weekend!


skinnyjeans on 11/21/2008:
Ooooo things are heating up again with J! FUN!!!! And dinner sounds fantastic - i love hearts of palm!! I could eat a whole jar of them. :)


Horn_Of_Plenty on 11/21/2008:
sounds like lots of fun. and healthy eating! that's some great cooking you did!



Grumpy - Thursday Nov 20, 2008
(Counting calories, exercising and DD)
Weight: 172.8

Before and After, again, just for the ones of you who didn't see it when I posted them a while ago! Kisses!

Before: IMG_0382

After (nevermind the closed eyes, i thought in this one you could see the same parts of my body than the before one!): view at the getty

Girls, I know some of you are religious and have strong prayers, so I'd like to ask for your prayers for my mom. Her brother passed on Sunday and she's been really sad. Also she and dad are moving to a condo and haven't rented out the house yet, so they're pretty tight on money right now and mom really worries about that, so let's pray for the house to be rented and her feelings to heal. :)

So yesterday I wasn't as good as I planned, I had extra bread and etc. Still not a bad day at all.

Last night i went to have a cup of tea (all i could have with my cleanse) with this guy I met. Was very harmless but he's nice, attractive and seems to like me. Of course I love J, and am optimistic things now are going to be better, but it's too early to tell. I am 'negotiating' with J about thanksgiving, i hinted him about it and then he brought it up, a little unsure. I told him it's up to him and to think about it and run it by his family. It would be huge if i went. We'll see.�

This new guy, if he wants to see me again, then it gets more complicated and I think he will because we had a great time.�So I will play it by ear and maybe ask J if he's my bf (he may be already, im not sure hahaha), because it's what i want and if he still doesn't, I have to go off and explore other situations.

Wish me luck (I know you do!).

Have a great day everyone!

M.

B: grapes and cleanse concentrate and fiber 180
L: cleanse concentrate 100 whole wheat toasts with tomatoes 240 - 340
S: cleanse stuff 160
D: cleanse stuff, tomatoes and avocado, asparagus, whole wheat toast with onions, eggplant and tomatoes - 500
S: fruit slices dipped in yogurt 100

Progress as of today: 29.2 lbs lost so far, only 22.8 lbs to go!

omahagrl on 11/20/2008:
Let me find my crystal ball so I can help in your decisions...LOL that sure would have come in handy during my single days! Take one day at a time and make sure to leave all doors open. :-)


sweetpea1977 on 11/20/2008:
I will keep your mom in my thoughts.

As for the new guy situation, I'm sending you a ton of good luck vibes your way!!


skinnyjeans on 11/20/2008:
Happy thoughts to your mom; so sorry she's sad. And good luck with the new dude situation! Keep us posted on J.


skinnyjeans on 11/20/2008:
Your outfit for tonight sounds hot!!!!!!!!!!



Grumpy - Wednesday Nov 19, 2008
(Counting calories, exercising and DD)
Weight: 169.6

Woke up at 6 today and couldn't sleep any longer. I usually wake up at 9am. Haha.

I did go to bed early, but I wish I could have slept at least an hour longer.

My day today is being donated to WI3. If you don't know what I am talking about, check out her Forum. I think it's a great idea. I also think we should start doing one of those challenges. So let me know if you have any ideas.

I had the greatest/hardest workout last night. A hip hop flow dance class, we did abs, sweated a lot with the choreography and had fun. Today I am not working out. I am sticking to my cleanse's food plan on WI3's behalf. :)

Here's the class I took last night, this clip was shot in my studio.

http://www.truveo.com/Monica-Noble-Hip-Hop-Flow-Level-23/id/868393175

Menu:

B: banana and cleanse stuff 260
S: cleanse concentrate 100
L: whole wheat toasts 200 with tomatoes 20 on top and spike, a few carrots 20, cleanse stuff 160 - 400
S: cleanse stuff 100
D: whole wheat toast 100 with tomatoes 20 on top and spike, cleanse stuff 160 - 280
S: cleanse stuff 100

T: 1240

Have a great day!�

Progress as of today: 32.4 lbs lost so far, only 19.6 lbs to go!

loveray on 11/19/2008:
OMG that looks like so much fun! i am laughing in my head because i could see my total non-coordination and me just wandering around like an idiot. stick to something repetative and formulated, rachel. :)


sweetpea1977 on 11/19/2008:
Haha, Im with Rachel! It looks like so much fun, but it would take me two weeks to learn a routine like that. I think the only dance "routines" I cant screw up are the Chicken Dance, the Electric Slide, and the Macarena! :o)


loveray on 11/19/2008:
he he, i should go to a class with you to explore my creative side. you will have to come to tantric yoga with rachel though! ;)


selina on 11/19/2008:
Hey Grumpy, I showed the video to Daughter, the dancer, and she likes the routine a lot. I am like loveray and sweetpea, coordination wise, so I don't know where my daughter gets the dancing genes from....must be from Hubby's side of the family. Keep it up, looking good!



Grumpy - Tuesday Nov 18, 2008
(Counting calories, exercising and DD)
Weight: 169.6

 So yea, I have been doing the cleanse and also eating the permitted foods. Maybe even more than permitted, but since I am sticking to raw fruits and salads, veggies, brown rice, nf yogurt and whole wheat bread, i think it's fine. I also bought Spike, a seasoning they recommend that's all natural and I like it so far.

 

Hope all of you are having a great day. xo

Progress as of today: 32.4 lbs lost so far, only 19.6 lbs to go!

loveray on 11/18/2008:
i love spike and the amino acid spray. xoxo


skinnyjeans on 11/18/2008:
Never heard of Spike...I'll have to check it out! Keep up the good work with your cleanse..it really sounds healthy. :)


loveray on 11/18/2008:
check this out!!!! http://www.bragg.com/products/la.html


selina on 11/19/2008:
Thanks for the comment! good luck with the cleanse!


Donkey on 11/19/2008:
Look at you! You're making wonderful progress!


Jen40 on 11/19/2008:
Your food sounds very healthy! Good to "see" you!



Grumpy - Monday Nov 17, 2008
(Counting calories, exercising and DD)
Weight: 169.6

UPDATE:

Nevermind, I switched to the basic cleanse where you can eat some stuff. Was too much, my stomach was making weird noises all morning.

So I had grapes, a grilled portobello and veggies sandwich for lunch with a side salad, a yogurt for snack, and brown rice and veggies for dinner.

Good morning girls!

I had bad dreams, but I feel good and optimistic today. I am doing that cleanse again, the last time I did it, I did the version where you eat foods throughout the 5 days along with the supplements and this time I wanna try the 'deep cleanse' version. �That's when you eat on the first and last days and only have the supplements on the 3 days in between, which will be today through wed.

If I am too hungry or not feeling okay, I will move to the regular cleanse and add the foods back. If you look at my entry from yesterday, you'll see what kind of foods you're supposed to eat. Not bad really.

The cleanse is called Sambu 5 Day cleanse. Look it up on google if you're curious.

J is doing it with me, but he's doing the regular one. He was really cute yesterday waking up excited to drink his concentrate and all. Even a little annoying, kicking me out of bed. Hahaha.�

I will let you know how the cleanse goes, but I wont log my foods for the next 3 days. I will be drinking an elderberry concentrate mixed with water and fiber (floralax), a tea, and two supplement capsules. Lots of water and bathroom breaks I am sure. he he.

The other time I did this, even though I did the one where you eat, I felt like I wasn't craving much anymore and it was a good way to get back on track.�of course with halloween, bday and all right after, i went right back off track, so this is me doing this again and my plan is just to cut some slack on thanksgiving and xmas, nothing else, really.

:)

Hope everyone is up for a great week!

Xo.

Progress as of today: 32.4 lbs lost so far, only 19.6 lbs to go!

loveray on 11/17/2008:
good luck! so glad you had a nice weekend and have his support for the cleanse. let me know how it goes...i would love to try it out sometime!


skinnyjeans on 11/17/2008:
Both cleanses sound good...I'm sure you will do great! That's funny your stomach was making weird noises. Ha. :)


thinnside40 on 11/17/2008:
I don't like stomach noises!..... I can sometimes feel when mine is talking...

Best of luck!


WI3 on 11/18/2008:
Ohhhh weee...eating grapes will give me the stomach noises too LOL. Have a great day!



Grumpy - Sunday Nov 16, 2008
(Counting calories, exercising and DD)
Weight: 169.6

Okay, I have been missing, but I am getting back on track. Weekend has been wonderful with J, even though I am still not sure what's going to happen between us.

Friday we went to see a movie and then dinner and had a great time. Sat we went for a hike, i am not much of a hiker (i like it, but i am afraid i'll fall and i am not experienced) but he was really careful and held my hand along the way, so nice to see the leaves and breath fresh air. Then we went for a healthy late lunch, and at night we just rented the hulk and had some wine.

Today my legs are sore from the hike. We were out there for a couple of hours and the way back (up) was tiring! Feels good though.

B: tea, juice, banana and blueberries - 300

L: big salad with avocado, olive oil, tomatoes, carrots, edamame, mixed greens, slice of whole wheat bread - 600

S: yogurt 90

D: brown rice, mixed veggies, bread�500

S: yogurt and juice 190

total 1680

Progress as of today: 32.4 lbs lost so far, only 19.6 lbs to go!

skinnyjeans on 11/16/2008:
Hiking is fantastic excercise. And I love that sore feeling the next day after a great workout..you know you worked your body hard! Relax today and keep us posted on the J situation! :)


WI3 on 11/16/2008:
'Gratz on the hike!


thinnside40 on 11/16/2008:
I had a feeling that your time with J was the reason for "MIA".....

Enjoy each day as it is and don't borrow trouble or anxieties for the next day....

Good Evenin!


thinnside40 on 11/16/2008:
Take 2~ Oh, I wasn't saying it was J's fault for your absence. Just figured that you were with him and enjoying yourself....

Thanks for the compliment on the photo... I actually wish that the stylist could of cut off the "twon chin" while she was cutting, but I guess anethesia is needed for that huh?... Guess I'll just have to keep pluggin' along getting rid of it the old fashioned way of "workin' it off"....


Horn_Of_Plenty on 11/16/2008:
hey, it's a great day for you!

what movie did you see, maybe we saw the same one???



Grumpy - Thursday Nov 13, 2008
(Counting calories, exercising and DD)
Weight: 169.6

B: 670 (dont ask!)

L: falaffel wrap S: slice of coffee cake and fruit D: duck, spinach and pasta, salad and fresh salmon

Booooo

Progress as of today: 32.4 lbs lost so far, only 19.6 lbs to go!

thinnside40 on 11/13/2008:
I urge you to go back to your "Manu" diary and read some of your first week's posts. I was looking at the calendar the other day and realize in just a couple months that it will be a YEAR since joining DD... The average "loss" per month will be a small amount overall...But, at least the numbers are declining and not rising each month on that chart. ....

Not sure what is going on and really don't need to know... Just know that I too have been on somewhat of a rollercoaster emotionally, which effected my progress..... Figured it was time for me to "buckup" and begin witht he same determination as in the beginning days... I'm the same strong person today, as I was then... Needed to rach deep to those roots within and hold on tightly again....

Christmas is 41/42 days away! New Years is 47/48 days!... No weightloss resolutions!?!?!?!?!

Good Day! I know you will get back at it... In your time!


Horn_Of_Plenty on 11/13/2008:
i'm guessing was an egg sandwich or egg/bagel stuff. or something!

girl, you are doing fine. just keep it up!


skinnyjeans on 11/14/2008:
What's up girl...I hope you are having a nice day! :)


WI3 on 11/14/2008:
lol I've had large breakfasts many a day...I know what you mean!



Grumpy - Thursday Nov 13, 2008

Weight: 0.0


Grumpy - Thursday Nov 13, 2008
(Counting calories, exercising and DD)
Weight: 169.6

Progress as of today: 32.4 lbs lost so far, only 19.6 lbs to go!


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