- Monday Feb 22, 2016
6am: 4 cups kombucha 130
8am-11am: coffee, banana 220
11am: Quest Bar 210
1pm: Lunch: ½ avocado but small 150, veggies 100, chicken breast (substantial portion because I want to have more protein this week as I actually feel I was lacking on it last week & can almost tell the difference in my weak muscles lol) with some skin 300. 550.
Total thru Monday Work: approx. 1150 (boss gave me a cup of tomato juice). Good.
Dinner: indulged, but not a binge. everything in moderation. but everything haha. kale salad around 100, chips 120, Celantano microwave eggplant rollettes around 300, whipped yogurt 100, strawberries 50. Total: around 700. good.
total today: healthy still, 1850. good. getting back on track this week after the party Saturday. I didn't expect to feel so run down. Could also be sleep medicine. I may take some anyway.
I am here at work, that’s good, but on the weekend I wasn’t even motivated to read in my time relaxing. Honestly, even though it wasn’t that busy a weekend besides the bridal shower, it took a lot out of me. Between laundry, food shopping & gym, and Friday night errands that took till pretty late in the evening, all I did the rest of my free time this weekend was lounge around on the couch. Surfing web, watching tv. And even falling back asleep Sunday after breakfast…but…I AM staying positive. I AM proud of myself. And I’m NOT going to go back on my word…My dream for now is to look good at this wedding on4/2. And this is my priority & I will not fail at it. I will keep on keeping on. Because I have a lot of respect for myself, love for myself, and a desire to reach my potential – ALWAYS.
And after this wedding, I am totally moving forward to my next bigger, more important goal - and that goal is joining the NYPD academy in pursuit of becoming an NYPD officer. And I have the most confidence that I will reach this when my body is ready (either January 2017 or July 2017).
Progress as of today: 10 lbs lost so far, only 1 lbs to go!
- Sunday Feb 21, 2016
1am: 450 :/...hungry but mostly emotional eating.
8:30am: kombucha 70, bar 130, chips 120...very very emotional I seem to want to eat. not hungry though. total: 320.
9:30 protein bar 200, popcorn 250. 450, jolly rancher 20
total so far: 1250...I will do my best to keep cals in check, working on calming myself (I tend to get anxious before & after bigger social events) so I can relax & read. Laundry was thankfully done last night so I don't have too much to do today except food shopping & gym...not sure why I am so fidgety & emotional (except this is typical for me after big social functions).
3pm Lunch: healthy kale salad with dressing 100?, nice & warm rotisserie half chicken breast with skin...200. total 300. popcorn again..150 450.
total so far: around 1700, good...needing to go to gym soon...
At gym: banana120, After gym: high sugar and protein cookie 360, 100 cal yogurt also. Total here: 580. fine.
Total today: 2280. Is fine. Sometimes we need an up day anyways. What can I do :)
Tomorrow's a new day & I will be trying HARD thru April 2nd.
No days off for awhile, so I will try to forget about that fact, try to sleep & get rest (if it means taking sleeping pills, I will), and try not to overdo anything before the wedding :)
Progress as of today: 10 lbs lost so far, only 1 lbs to go!
- Saturday Feb 20, 2016
Sunday 1am...cannot sleep...so I am taking sleeping pill & snacking its ok. giving myself a break. chips 100. heavily sautéed greens 300. steamed veggies 50. 450.
Smiling Saturday :)
11pm Evening Update:
My sister's bridal shower was great :) I wasn't an organizer of it, but still tried to help out there & write down who gave what gift when she was opening her gifts there...
Gonna try to remember what I ate :)...because it's what I do :)
Overall, all the women there were excited to be there & have a good time.
There were free drinks & I had a bellini (i'll estimate at 150) along with about 1/3 (50) of a strong raspberry vodka with seltzer. 200 here.
Early Dinner: salad with a lil cheese and also couple thin salami slices 200 at most prob, then some pasta with veal and sauce YUM 400 at most I guess since a very small serving but still a small plate of it (like a cup worth), then my dinner was great salmon but not too much of a big serving thankfully 350 or so, spinach! 150 or less, and a few big beans 50. great... oh and lil piece of cake 100 at most, and coffee 50 at most. 1100 at most prob.
Total at party: 1300, Total earlier in day:
350 forgot I had a banana 470
Total Today: 1770 or so.
not gonna eat more, body is starting to feel tired again after finishing laundry that I started when I got home & happy I don't have to do it tomorrow. Now it's 11:10, off to read & then bed! Goodnight All :)
Today, I'm heading off in the early afternoon to my sister's bridal shower. I'm looking forward to it but also seems I'm still waking up...lol. It's almost noon right now.
Took a sleeping pill last night around 9:30pm and it has worked very well. I slept in till around 7:30am and then was sleeping still on & off in my bed until 10:30am. These Sleepinal Pills are strong. You cannot take them if you need to get up early unless I take them practically with dinner. So today, I got some much needed sleep since I don't sleep well when I exercise at night & that was Thursday night. I'm doing what I need to for me & feeling good. My body is getting much needed rest lately, especially weekends, and I am feeling more rested during the day & happier.
I must get ready soon with at least a shower lol....
Soon it will be time to drive to the shower with my mom & dad. I will be helping them set everything up early. Then, the shower starts at 3:30pm...
So far, two bottles of kombucha for an extra push because sometimes when anxious my digestive systems likes to stop! 140 cal so far...and also some flavored seltzer with extra added stevia.
also a Chocolate protein bar 210.
(350 before party)
Feeling good...when I get home tonight whenever it is, i'll be reading & relaxing. Supposedly, my friend (no longer a best friend IMO) will be at the shower. I haven't spoken to her, which is GREAT I don't want to right now too busy and got enough I need to take care of, so I am not sure if she'll show up & get herself there. If she isn't there, that's ok too.
Progress as of today: 10 lbs lost so far, only 1 lbs to go!
- Friday Feb 19, 2016
Firefly Friday (my positive take on it)…
Early: Kombucha 60
8:30am-10:30am: coffee w. extra milk 150
10:30/11am: oatmeal 100, peanut butter 100, protein powder 120, coconut water 50, egg white 30, stevia for taste: 400.
Lunch: tofu 50, around a big cup of saag 200, mushrooms & leeks 150 at most: 400 at most prob.!!
1150-1200. before dinner, higher than expected but very reasonable & weekly average is still going to be GREAT
Dinner & early to bed with sleeping pill since last night I was up a little after gym:guess is that dinner is not more than 600 cal. tons of veggies, also 5 large shrimp and 5 large scallops and sauce which raises the calories. anyways...
1800 at most i'd say. decent. was aiming more for 1700, but, whatever. did a TON of errands after work: picked up card for sister's bridal shower, picked up prescription that I forgot to do earlier this week, picked up some food, got my nails done for party tomorrow. that's quite a bit. took around 2.5 hours total with driving home. SO HAPPY to be HOME.
total avg per day this week: 1650 or so per day....very good - may be the first time the average for an entire week is below 1700!
Avg cals burned: on workout days, I would like to think I've burned at least 2200 cals. So, 2200-1650 = 550. So, 550 burned on my 3 workout days = 1650 burned. next, i'd like to believe I burn at least 1750 on non-workout days. So, 4 days without workouts = 400 cals total. Total for this week burned: 2050 = EXCELLENT! This equals around 2/3 of a pound. If I can keep up this way of eating, and actually it shows I can even indulge more & not necessarily worry!, I will have no problem being around 115 come April 2nd. Of course, ladies & man, if I do lose a hair more, I WILL NOT COMPLAIN! duh. Sorry for the endless math, it's me thinking to myself...I'm very in the zone right now because of a bridal shower tomorrow and wedding looming. I feel very in control & focused. I love this feeling.
I also realize something else today...i'm going to have to let the guy go. The one that I did want things with...he's not ready. he's single, 44, and happy that way. so, i'm going to move forward & just look to have fun especially this spring after the wedding dating. sucks to let this man go....I really don't want to. texting for around 2.5 years and now nothing. staying in touch & now nothing. this to me is sadder than the thing with my best friend because more emotions are involved...female emotions...you know,.
I feel like I am very complete & finally independent and really, really single. Losing my best friend has helped me fully become myself. It’s hard nonetheless. It’s hard to sometimes skip over the time and fast forward and view myself as a successful cop – owning a gun and living in a new world of new situations…but the full confidence comes with time. I realize it’s one step at a time. Nobody is fully confident before they go thru the whole academy training & then also confidence from each year gained actually working…that’s a reason why it’s ok in my opinion for me not to fully see myself as cop now…but also to still envision myself in the uniform…
…What I’m trying to say is yes, I see myself as a cop. But, at the same time, my confidence will come with training and experience. I do not need to have it all at once. And this is ok. I accept this. I feel by accepting this fact, I am able to move forward and reach my goals. I don’t see being perfect as necessary anymore. And I understand that putting on an act to be confident even if not confident is very important too because supervisors / coworkers & everyone notices when you either have or lack confidence. Part of being confident is having the ability to show it even when you don’t feel it 100%. Why? Because the way you carry yourself is also the way others will perceive you…I have learned this, seen this, know this. I take my opinions on this matter very much to heart. I’m not a young girl anymore. I’ll be 34 in September and my chance to be NYPD is now. I’m making it happen. It’s a great feeling. At times, I started to think it was beyond me. Now I see, if I keep my confidence, nothing is beyond me. People in this world show so much strength despite mental and physical constraints. And, not having either of those, I am confident that I am able to achieve the same greatness as everyone else. There’s nothing to stop me except me. I am enjoying being free, not having a best friend anymore to take care of. I am enjoying raising myself up. It’s a give & take. I’m willing to give away closer relationships for the chance to take a new chance at life for myself.
I don’t have the time, literally I am busy, like other folks who are bosses or having flexible schedules. This is a TRUTH. And, based on my schedule & time constraints, I have decided, and not so recently, that my own personal health and success is far more important than constant social plans or caring for a best friend that isn’t my family. I will do what I have to do, no matter how SELFISH it sounds to others, in order to get into that academy. I still have a little work to do in my physical feeling of wellbeing and having confidence that I can get thru the hard & tough physical aspect of training in the academy. Like the running I mean. And then the physical pressures of being a cop – first few years are on your feet patrolling the streets. I am getting there. Slowly but surely, I’m not always wearing sneakers to work. I’m starting to wear flats (dress shoes but flat no heal). I’m starting to break down the mental barriers which will also break down physical barriers. I refuse to let a lack of confidence (which I refuse to think like that) – a lack of confidence to prevent me from further living out the coolest life ever. Women? Cops? Female cop? Who would have thought. How cool this will be – to be a cop. I have such a passion & love for cops. And to be one myself will be a dream fulfilled, biggest dream I have ever had, fulfilled for life.
Progress as of today: 10 lbs lost so far, only 1 lbs to go!
- Thursday Feb 18, 2016
Reached an all-time low of 116 (it's been YEARS since I last saw that #..last time around early fall 2007 before taking on a job that wasn't a challenge and becoming depressed that year with lots of bingeing) Friday morning (ate very light yesterday so that helped and low volume food at night, so weight extra low in morning. nice!) Basically, I can say right now, that despite all the odds, I maintained my goals and wishes. And so far, they've come true. Oh, I only need to lose one more pound by April 2nd. I cannot believe I did this! Amazing success & progress. Now, thru March, I have to maintain...as well as renew some relationships and more social plans with friends...I need to be able to maintain weight & incorporate a social life...this will require some work, but very possible of course.
Article link is right below Smartest and most honest article I've ever read regarding weight loss & how to think like a thin person!
Thoroughly Thursday (because what other day is it!?)
6am Kombucha: 70
6day avg: 1608per day!
8:30-10:30am Snacking: Coffee with extra milk 100, 2 Fish Oil capsules 20 (just like putting butter in coffee if you have read the studies or are familiar with Bulletproof Coffee…mine is “Jackie’s Take” on it).120.
10:30am / 11:00am: my new fave type of protein bar – ONE. I I like all of their flavors too! 220.
TSF: 410. Yes baby. Work it…Make the right choices, realize your potential. Work hard for results you can be proud of.
1pm Lunch: Bok Choy, other veggies on top 190 at most, ½ medium avocado 160, tofu 50: total 400.
Bar 320 & aminos.
total today: around 1150. because I am achieving one goal at a time now!
Losing a best friend and the relationship becoming something else is very hard. But not as hard as continuing to be friends with someone who does not support me as she says she does. Does not like my friends. Does not want to do new things. I fight with regularly. And someone who thinks she can keep me away from my other friends, say bad things about my other friends, and, when I try to help or say anything that is from my heart, someone that takes offense & instead of realizing i'm concerned, she puts me down, tells me what's wrong with me, and embarrasses me. This will stop now & always. Never have I been told I cannot be myself. That I cannot express myself. and embarrassed multiple times in front of other friends & family. I have NEVER tried to embarrass her, try to manipulate her, or say negative things to her. This girl has tested me, throughout our long term friendship of over ten years, and she's pushed me to my limit. I cannot call her my best friend anymore. If she isn't accepting that, and doesn't want to be friends, I will be OK with that. I have given so much to her & all I get back is that she needs to talk to a therapist to know that i'm being sincere!? She couldn't come up with that conclusion herself!? So done with the nonsense. I am not sure why I was so driven with her and as her best friend. I just know one thing...I made friends with her during my pretty vulnerable period of life - 20's to early 30's...and well...I just don't know what to say anymore. But i'm sick of fighting. Sick of trying. Sick of getting her to come out of her comfort zone. I don't want to try anymore. And I cannot anymore think that every time i'm doing an activity that she is automatically invited. Completely done with the best friend relationship. So OVER IT. I do feel free, but it's very, very sad at the same time. Losing a best friend - never easy.
Nothing is stopping me right now – I’m on a major roll – last run into the wedding 4/2. So happy. So proud of myself. Before September I was stuck in the biggest rut. Eating too high calories that didn’t match my fitness levels & were totally impeding my weight loss goals for this wedding. After I finally reached out to myself. Learned from myself, got over being in the worst rut of my life (if you weren’t on DD in September / October – I got VERY sick. I was off work for ONE month. The first 3 weeks of being ill, I had NO CHOICE and had to stay with my parents because I was feeling so out of my skin that I couldn’t even care for myself. I needed so much help & thank god I had my parents there for me, thank god.) I have learned so much from the lowest point of my life. Grown so much these last several months. There’s no going back for me!
“ONE” bars are slightly more cals (usually just over 200 cals) than Quest bars (Quest usually just below 200 cals), but ONE is softer & does not need microwaving to make them soft. All the Quest bars I buy lately are almost hard as rocks and not fun to eat in the office since they need microwaving & I don’t like running down to the kitchen.
Also, the “ONE” brand is tastier. The difference in taste is substantial enough to buy them instead of Quest. These ONE bars taste fresh just as the Quest bars have begun to taste stale to me. I think the Quest company is not putting enough effort into their products like they did in the past when the company was newer. In the past, when I bought Quest bars, they were softer & I didn’t have to microwave them near as long as I do these days. The Quest products seem to be diminishing in quality!
Progress as of today: 10 lbs lost so far, only 1 lbs to go!
- Wednesday Feb 17, 2016
Perhaps the best article I have ever read for weight loss tips from thin people behaviors (think like a thin person!) awesome article!:
Here to tell all you lovely ladies & gentleman that I love myself. I love myself for now & for always. I believed in myself. I believed in the process. I already love my body as it is. And I will never stop reaching to work on my body or myself. My physical health and mental health. I always want to be the best me. It took a lot of lows. A lot of failures. A lot of misses…before I found what I was looking for. No matter how bad things get, they get better if you let them.
Everyone here, you have to believe in yourself & you cannot quit. It’s the resolve not to quit that will help you in the long run. Keep that confidence. Trust that as time goes by, everything you want will come. Have patience, wait it out, put in the work, and maintain your focus. Everything comes to those who work at it. Don’t stop. Don’t ever stop. It’s not worth ruining your life & wrecking the good feelings you can have for yourself. Do yourself the biggest favor, and work towards loving yourself.
For the FIRST time in my entire life, 33 ½ years old, I woke up today LOVING myself. I will never, ever, forget the beautiful feeling as long as I live.
This entry is from the bottom of my heart. I am blessed with so many second chances at life. My eyes were open. I took the chances. Sending you all thoughts and prayers to continue your own journeys with as much commitment and resolve as I have taken to fulfill my own promises. I will continue to work to achieve my full potential & will never, ever stop.
5:30am: rest of the BCAA’s watermelon sugar free (tasty stuff!), and kombucha 50
8am-10:30am or so: coffee with extra milk 60
10:30am / 11am: Late Breakfast: oatmeal 100, coconut water 50, chocolate vegan protein powder 100, egg whites 30, stevia (low fat today…forgot the added fat – is fine, I got a lot of fat for lunch in my lunch!) 300.
Lunch: tofu 50, lots of saag (spinach prepared in an Indian way with lots of spices, little butter, and ginger) 250 at least I’d say, some greens (not gonna count cals here for fresh greens – just glad that they aren’t totally spoiled lol since they are over 2 weeks old now in my fridge!), little bit of chick peas (did it for health reasons…need to eat more than just veggies in oil…) 100…total here is approx. 400.
Very big dinner (volume) lots of heavily sautéed okra (bhindhi) in oil and spices...just a lot and it was on the bottom of the container so extra oily which is good bc today was pretty much very low-fat. okra 400?, small pieces of chicken 100, soup with veggies / small amount noodles 150, tons of bok choy and cabbage 150. total here: 800 at most and may be less, worth it. decided to indulge in dinner today because tomorrow will be lower cal I am sure.
1750, at most.
wore flats today instead of sneakers = accomplishment. but tomorrow = sneakers again!
5-day cal average: 1700, GREAT.
Progress as of today: 9 lbs lost so far, only 2 lbs to go!
- Tuesday Feb 16, 2016
AND...I saw 117 on the scale Wednesday morning! YEAH. it can happen. if you let it. believe in the process, believe in yourself!
1691 4-day avg. Excellent....at the gym last night for the first time, I noticed more of the "pop" in my muscles. I actually witnessed progress for my own eyes. I was able to see the changes. I am so proud of myself for realizing my full potential. For sticking with my goals and seeing this weightloss and muscle definition happen for me. It takes work. And I am just so satisfied so far with this winter journey. I will never for my entire life forget this winter season & my resolve to get what I want & make it happen. At this point, I don't think anything is going to get me down. I've learned a lot about myself these past 6 months. And I will just never go back to the person I once was. I am more confident & self-assured. I am not afraid to make decisions on my own. I don't need to consult someone for everything. i'm happy.
Hi. Well, no need to be too sad when the week starts out on a Tuesday. It’s a 4-day workweek, just thinking about it can change my emotions from iffy to happy…ya know!? It works! This is along the lines of Cybermom’s post about how easily a person’s mood can be altered by other’s remarks. It’s just as important to learn how to improve your own mood – maybe especially after someone remarks…or even just when you are feeling bad…ya, I think you get what I mean now!
6:00am: Kombucha, lighter effectiveness brand, but it worked thankfully. 60. I must try to only drink 1 a day, because the 16oz bottles of kombucha store-bought are very pricey at $3-$4ea.
Like I’ve said many times here, food is my splurge and I will not change my ways unless it were absolutely necessary. I’d rather eat good food & food that I prefer than go on any vacations. My money going to food is my way of being happy in the now & I do not care if others deem it wasteful because I don’t. To each their own!
8:30am-9:30am high-carb feel good breakfast: coffee with extra 2% milk 50, medium banana 120, and cooked cranberries w/ stevia added 60 (stevia has no cals and makes them very palatable and sweet!)230 total.
Iwill probably finish off my cranberries this week (don’t have any other fruit besides them & bananas) & not good food shopping until Sunday if I can help it – trying to do as little errands as possible this week besides picking up a prescription at Rite Aid which I forgot to do on Saturday.
11am or so (coworker isn’t here, so when I have lunch today may be whenever I want which is cool – when she is here, we both like to stick to 1pm so it’s easy to eat together): Morning snack: new type of bar that is soft without heating: 220. White chocolate raspberry I think? 220.
Lunch: very healthy: salad greens that are on their way out bc I should have eaten them these past couple weeks ooops 20, heavily oiled bhindhi (okra) but healthy because of this 250?,little bit of leftover saag (indian spinach dish) 50. Small piece low cal tofu 50. Total here: 370-400 excellent.
4:30-5pm: caffeine tea drink for a change and slightly lower caffeine, cooked cranberries 60, Nature Valley Oats & Honey granola bars 200. Total: 260.
Keeping today low calorie, will reach my goals this winter no matter what bc I have resolve and the drive to succeed and believe in myself as all of us should on here….
After gym:bar, bcaa's: 220 cal.
Total Calories today: 1370 total....that's how badly I want to reach my goal. It takes a special, mental resolve that I have & have always had. I do not let things get in my way when I want something this bad. I have done things like this before & know that with me, anything is possible. Literally. I know how to reach my goals...and now with the maturity of a 33yr old, it's much easier this time around. MUCH easier!
Exercise: Crazy Cool Gym Workout. I will do 220 pushups as my warm-up (as many sets as I need to in order to reach 250)
This is the email I sent my best friend this morning. She is always, still even when on anxiety meds, needs to have faith in herself…I am not sure where her total lack of self condifence Is coming from?. She’s got self-work to do. I bet the book Fran suggested I read would be good for her as well….anyways, my plan is to read that book in March probably…march / april for reading that book, after I read the new one I took out of the library last week which I am starting tonight.
Anyways here my email to her (last night she said that I need a thick skin to be a cop…after not speaking with her for a week or so, not sure why she suggested it, as I am changing day by day? Really not sure what her deal is lately. I do not think she understands me fully anymore. Which is fine…my life used to be more similar to her, years ago, when we were teachers. But now, my life is not like her’s anymore. Not at all…so…yeah….is the summer, she can’t possibly expect me to spend everyone weekend of my free time at the beach. I’m totally not stooping that low again like last summer when I thought I was expected to join her at the beach at every free moment I had once a weekend. She’s off all summer. Let her do for herself what she wants for herself. Let her help herself. I’m helping myself, time she did the same for herself. I can’t do it anymore. She needs to gain confidence & maturity and work on it, BIG time. I’ll always be her support, but not her life coach. She can pay for one of those lol
….here’s the email (end result - she was pissed at me & thought I was being negative towards her, she's lost me as a best friend because I've known her WAY TOO LONG for her to bit-H at me when I offer heartfelt, truthful advice. and actually put my own self on the line to give it to her. She's lost me. And I feel good about it. We'll stay friends, but she'll never have my heart or consideration like she used to:
HOPE all is well..Sam late today bc of a storm in buffalo so he’ll be in late.
Like, OMG, this keratin is soooo nice. Sooo smooth. Yeah….i love it.
Totally recommend if you want to have like the smoothest hair ever. I blew dry it but mostly let it air dry before that. its so nice. I don’t even add any protect as the keratin is protecting my hair for now. Just a little of that “All 10” stuff that I like with keratin in it…I put that stuff on top after blow drying just to tame a few fly-aways of short hairs. OH AMAZING. Keratin is like a dream come true for hair! It makes having long hair a breeze! SO WORTH IT. blow dry time – 5 min or less even with the brush. Honestly, my blow dry time was probably more in the 3-4 min range! Ha.
What’s new!? So nice the snow melted with the rain! Thank god for that one!
Like I was telling you briefly on the phone last night, I am changed. At 33 1/2 years old come March, I have myself to worry about & take care of first. Before anyone else. If I don’t do it now…and change my ways enough to make it happen, nothing will happen. So, yeah I miss the days of teaching and having breaks and vacations that the rest of the occupations basically don’t have. If I were in the union longer, 3 years, I’d have 3 weeks vaca instead of 2, and if 15 years, I’d have 4 weeks vaca plus the 5 sick days…it’s because I’m only 5yrs in union which is an additional killer. And, my salary is low, so I can’t take many days off without pay…so, it’s a challenge obviously. Luckily I have some savings that make it so I never need to feel the real pain of living week to week. …What I am trying to say here is, I’m not saying I’m jealous of you as a teacher at all (happy for you always as your friend), what I am saying is that I personally have experiencd the other type of life – the easier lifestyle of teaching – which it is easier when only discussing hours and vacation (I am not comparing the other points and they are not the variables I am speaking about!)…and in order for me to be who I want to be and to come out stronger & even better is to take care of myself. I will NEVER let myself become that sick person I was last September / October because I have that resolve, self-care, determination & dedication to see my goals through. This is what you should have as well. Nothing is stopping me from reaching my potential. The changes in me are going to stay. On weekends, as I was already doing, I need the downtime & time to take care of my needs. Come summer, I doubt I’ll be eager to do the beach every weekend as the beach is a very big process and can be very draining into the next day. I’m going to take each weekend as it comes. Vary how I spend the weekends. Not get into ruts. Rest when it is necessary. Because I have already let myself reach that point of despair and I am insightful and determined enough in my resolve to keep myself healthy to do what is necessary. Nobody including you may understand & that is ok. But I know what a challenge it is, at halfway to 34 years old, a challenge it is to make a life change.
You said to me I need to develop a stronger shell, trust me, it’s already there. My shell is sharper than glass and stronger than the toughest concrete. I am focused on me (as you should be on you) because I’m not going to be one of those women left in the dust and forced to live a life that she didn’t dream for herself. (Just so you know, you are very lucky with your job…just if you didn’t realize it…because there is so much you can do with your life because you have a job that is decent-pay, benefits, and a job you can rely and feel protected by….if you haven’t realized it, you should. You can get more educated, save $, live where you want, live out most of your dreams….nobody is stopping you from your happiness Christine. Nobody is stopping you from living like…the coolest life. Damn it! You are SINGLE and FREE….no kids to take care of…no money to be spent now on anyone but yourself. Save, spend…do as you please girlfriend. You are young and have so much. Don’t make it so in your mind you are ruining your own FREEDOM!!!!!!!!!!!! You are more free than most. Do you ever realize this!?) yes, single people ARE MORE FREE. Nobody to answer to. Nobody to tell us what to do. It’s awesome. If you don’t want to be single, change it. If you are comfortable with it, than stay with it for the time being. Stop wasting your time telling yourself how things are wrong when they are more than right…Realize what you do have. Realize all the power you have. Realize all the great things available to you at this very moment. Realize how much better you have it than so many other people. Realize it’s up to you to take care of yourself, do what you want. As for your brother, imagaine you didn’t have off from school and couldn’t go!? Do things to better yourself. If I were a teacher, different salary this whole time, I’d ask you to join me on vacations in the wintertime….you have the opportunity to do whatever you please with whomever you want…
…why do you think I’m friends with Bill Juby….i do as I please! With the people I want! Nobody is stopping you…from doing as you please with anything & everything in life…nobody is stopping you, EXCEPT YOURSELF.
And nobody is stopping me either. Because I’m not letting anything stop me. I’m not in a comfortable job situation. I haven’t learned this industry fully…I still need to reach my potential with my career (that is a secondary human need…which I haven’t met) money also. I am not secure financially, another human need, NOT MET.
At least I have my apt. Which I hope will continue to be affordable. Because, if anything were to happen to the unions in our country, it will NOT stay the same rent-wise or even safety / cleanliness wise. But this is something not to worry about now or even for 10 years luckily…things are ok with my apt now and for the next decade at least. So I have that not to worry about. I also don’t have to worry about my vehicle, thank goodness…
But I have certain things in my life, mentioned previously above, that need to be adjusted. Nobody is doing it for me. I have to do it for myself. So when I need my space, need more time alone, need time to re-organize and re-evaluate and even rest, it’s not an OPTION, it’s fully MANDATORY that I take what I need for myself. I’m not saying I’m different from you or anyone else. I’m not saying my situation makes me a different case….
I’m not comparing myself to others or you.
I’m comparing me to ME. I’m doing what I need for ME. So if you see changes in me, they are life changes.
I am no longer the person easily influenced or willing to sacrifice my well-being for anything. Margaret can take a hike lol! jk….she came to mind just now…just thinking how ignorant she is, how little she knows about anything outside her immetiate surroundings & life….
I am changed. Iam ready to be a cop.
Too bad my ankle and left leg is taking such a long time in healing. BUT NO WORRIES, I DON’T WANT TO EVEN DISCUSS MY HEALTH NOW, because I will do everything and anything necessary to leap from where I am now to the fully successful, honorable, and satisfied Jacquelyn Hecht that I knowi can be.
So if you think I have changed, oh I have, I will do what makes me happy & bring myself the full 180 that I deserve to have. I am 90 degrees there already.
At 33 ½, I am no longer the girl I was. I consider myself very fortunate and far from ignorant as I have experienced so much in life. Hopefully you feel these things for yourself as well, but ONLY you can do it for yourself. And, as you see, I have a lot of work and changes I am making & look forward to making in my life. So, rest assured, you don’t need to remind me of the thick skin I need to be a PO. J I have that skin already, girl…
Wishing you a nice day today & all the great things in the world.
Most people, at our change, tend to kinda not reach for new careers and life changes. It’s not an easy thing to do. But I am confident in myself. The only thing that matters at this point. And I feel just fine.
And then I wrote more to her, because my boss isn’t here & I have extra time on my hands & less work to do…
Lately when I talk to you on the phone the one thing that rings out to me that I should tell you is that I feel you are lacking confidence. I can tell this is the case for one reason – you always list your happiness as a result of the medicine, sleep bc of the medicine. You aren’t sounding confident in your abilities to feel good and be happy. Not sure why you aren’t confident that you can do it on your own.
I am taking the medicine and almost never think about it. I am not thinking about months from now and where I will be. I’m focused on today. What’s going on now. Not when I’m going to half a dose or stop. Who cares. Isn’t the point to be happy as the time goes by now? I cannot even waste my energy on worrying to the future about it. I just don’t think about it, ever. It’s just not a thought that comes to mind. It’s not even that I think about it, then tell myself to stop…it’s that I AM NOT thinking about it in the first place. Just thinking how you do reminds me how I don’t.
You can do it on your own. (I am not talking about medicine now, I’m off the topic) Confidence and the ability to learn & grow is makes for successful people. That is the main difference in those folks that are successful & folks that are not as successful. There are no major other differences in my opinion. That’s my own true reason why I wasn’t successful as a teacher. I showed a lack of confidence. That’s what I think. I have seen lousy musicians / educators, worse than myself in my opinion, get good teaching jobs & keep those jobs. CONFIDENCE carried them confidence is what their supervisors saw in them.
Either take the reins to your own life or be passive instead & let your life lead you. It’s really this simple. You have all the avenues & streets open to you but you sound to want to only take the one with the dead end? Only making an analogy that is a bit exaggerated. But that’s what it sounds to me…as you have been feeling better, i see you doing better, but not sure why you don’t think you can do it confidence-wise.
Yes, medicine helps. But it’s not 100% the answer AND NEVER WILL BE. I found this out for myself a few months into this game, when I realized I wasn’t happy one day…and that I would need to get thru it with my mind, not just a sweet little pill.
That’s why lately there has been such a progression towards alternative therapies like exercise more & other approaches towards feeling good – because medicine can only go so far.
I am not sure why you are so fearful & put so much emphasis on the medicine. Be confident that you are the one changing. The medicine is not as powerful as you over your mind. If you can’t be confident in yourself, no dose of medicine is going to help you. It’s not the medicine, but your changing your mind that is the full answer. If you cannot believe in yourself, then that is the risk a person takes to choose to live less happy than if they had decided at least to be happy with themselves, their choices, and their life. Nobody else can do it for you but you.
Progress as of today: 9 lbs lost so far, only 2 lbs to go!
- Monday Feb 15, 2016
Current weight is still stable at 118. having trouble getting it lower, but overall feeling slimmer. I am proud to be able to maintain but must admit that maintaining even 118 takes dedication....I now have to decide if, after this wedding, that maintaining my weight, lower weight, is important enough to me to stay dedicated. Honestly, I think yes - I've gone so far, learned so much since September in this process from being sick to getting healthy again emotionally - that I think I do have the drive, dedication, and resolve to continue.
....but after this wedding and winter, I also resolve to reach down deep inside myself & make sure I love myself first & foremost at where I am at that moment...because I also want to find a suitable companion and/or move forward the semi-relationship I have going on now...whatever it is, i'll be focusing on myself (not my best friend or family) and resolving to COMPLETE myself. because this is most important.
1799/3day avg. pretty good., it's def not a bad average! and Sunday with the gym, I am quite sure I burned close to 2200 with my type of hard-core workouts.
My muscles pop more at the gym. still a ways to go from what I really want to look like, but I can't say I look bad. many times at the gym, my muscles in my arms are more visible than many guys.
1st Main Goal for 2016: 100 pushups in a row (goal without time limit other than to get it done this year!) Right now, I'm up to around 60 at most in a row.
Monday Madness? Off from work for President's Day.
It's 11:15am I have already got a lot done, much more than expected today: laundry, organized & paid my bills including the annual dreaded Co-Op AllState Insurance, organized Tax info again (for some reason, I have AT LEAST like 7 tax documents to give my accountant, vacuumed carpet areas, vacuumed the dust out of my heater filters so that I can feel better that the air that is circulating is not having to seep its way thru dusty filters!....and now gonna read. Happy about this day off. It's both relaxing & productive. Also making a few phone calls and appointments including therapy schedule (I go usually 1x a month) so i'd like to schedule it for at least the next 6 months over the phone today!
7:30-8:30am indulged in some partially fried / partially heavily sautéed in oil Indian style okra, big portion 400.. kombucha 70. more kombucha 50 520 total & hopfeully not more. Not the smartest move to indulge but i'm off from work & gave into the craving.
11am: protein bar 200
1pm: okra "bhindhi" Indian dish I bought and had some of 150 at least, and then a little of the spinach dish (saag) 150: 300 at least.
total so far: 1020 or so. fine.
2pm fruit (plum) 50
1070 / maybe more like 1100. good.
snack: couple fruit chews 50
Early dinner (later I will have 1 protein bar): more Indian spinach (saag). a bit too much of it - up to 3 cups, not sure 600 or so.
1950...yeah up-day I guess!....and then a bar. not low calories, but not bad calories. I guess you can say I gave myself a huge break this weekend with calories, but didn't splurge. maybe this is what I need more. With the short week, i'll keep doing what I think is best...
no exercise. did a few errands. glad to be home, it's snowing again...if I lose my appetite, i'll go to bed without the protein bar.
Just need to pick up a few things at the supermarket - fruit, eggs, rotisserie chicken...that may be it, actually! I may save the supermarket for Wednesday or contemplate skipping fully this week. I think today I may just go to the appointment & come back home. Really not in the mood for any extra errands....really!
Last night, I called my best friend coming back from my appointment at 5pm & spoke to her while I drove to get my dinner and then even talked while I ate dinner (which I specifically did NOT want to do bc it makes me eat more I have noticed, I wanted to have dinner without interruption especially the phone call...) and then even continued talking to her after dinner. TWO HOURS.
I do not like these long phone calls anymore. I think I overindulged on dinner last night because I was distracted on the phone and didn't plan out what I was eating well.
Dinner Calories could have been much lower. Also, today, even though I indulged early on, I am going to make a point to have a healthy, low calorie day. I am not impressed with my calories for this weekend. I am trying & the weight will stay on if I do not make changes. Only 1.5 months to go before wedding! wahoo!
Never wished him a Happy Valentines and obviously same for him to me...but we did text. and that's enough. He is going thru some things worse than me I think. I think he has anxiety in even thinking about dating. I just keep showing him my softer side though. I cannot imagine ignoring or stopping our texting. I can't do it to him or myself. We have a thing going & I want to let it continue. I have too many feelings for him to let it go.
Last night, after midnight and closer to 1am, I sent him a text thanking him for texting me first on Sunday. I had requested he do it (he's only ever - IN TWO & A HALF YEARS - TEXTED ME FIRST 1X..NOW 2X WITH VALENTINES DAY INCLUDED) for some reason, I needed him to text first. and he did. he didn't wish me a happy valentines, but he texted me. he is struggling.
I am supportive of the poor guy...I don't usually think of him this way, I like to think of him as successful and strong. anyways, I thanked him for texting me even though he was probably not so pleased to have to do it...and what he sent me was a photo of chocolate but it was very risqué and not something I can tell was authentically from him (his friend must have influenced him big time...)...and I said to him that I was forgetting about it, since I knew it wasn't fully him...and that's it.
I know he regretted sending me the chocolate photo (trust me, I don't think it'd be appropriate to give any more details now)...I know he regretted sending it because when I commented early yesterday morning he did text back trying to cover himself and reasons for sending it...I don't want any bad feelings between him & myself and that's why last night I told him that I am forgetting about it.
Oh, in case you ARE wondering what the photo was: a man's you know what, in dark chocolate, with white chocolate you know what at the tip....yes (so not exactly a photo of the real thing, but just as detailed in chocolate)....my guy NEVER suggests or talks about this kinda stuff. It's very off for him to send me anything like this. He obviously drank....and made a decision that wasn't fully his...his friend must have really influenced him...and I am feeling horrible that my guy feels even more HORRIBLE for sending it to me! :(
Progress as of today: 8 lbs lost so far, only 3 lbs to go!
- Sunday Feb 14, 2016
Sunday Plans: mostly gym and also a facial later at 4pm which is good. better to get facials in the evening bc they put a special serum on your face at the place I go to that is for overnight. So the next time I would wash my face is the next morning. More healing time & better for results when I get facials in the late afternoon / evenings.
Took another sleeping pill last night. Slept a ton, but did wake up with a dry mouth a few times and cough during the night. Overall, getting lots of sleep & feeling good about this. I'll be over this cold by next weekend for my sister's Bridal Shower :-)
It's starting off pretty well on Valentine's Day. I got a text after midnight from "my man." Of course nothing is typical with us. We have a lot of opening up still to do with each other. Right now, things are definitely taking many turns it seems. All is...good I guess. So, we've texted. I just tried to call him, I think he's afraid to answer. Darn him. I just want to say "happy valentine's day!" not as lovers or in a dating relationship...by the end of today, i'll say it to him on the phone. no worries...
10:30-11:30 Breakfast: some seltzer and stevia, new brand of Kombucha 50 that seems "not strong enough" in terms of probiotics....we shall see. More kombucha 60 and a plum 50. Total here: 160.
bar 130, energy drink 20.
1pm lunch before gym (very late start before gym...will be a faster gym session, feeling very tired today...sleeping pill still hasn't worn off and it's 1:20pm!): oatmeal - but a special mix with coconut flakes and extra protein 160, almond milk 30, chocolate peanut butter 100, egg whites 30, big banana 150: 470. VERY FILLING...hopefully I can do this workout before the facial....gonna be a very FAST workout today.
after gym: bar 150
dinner: at least 750???
total today: gonna say 1750. good.
Progress as of today: 8 lbs lost so far, only 3 lbs to go!
- Friday Feb 12, 2016
Super Saturday: 1700 cals. SUCCESS. When you want something bad enough, nothing can stop you from achieving it...
No exercise beyond doing a few errands. on Saturday. Rest day.
7:30pm Evening edit:
Got a lot done today. Around noon, I finally left my apt. I got gas, picked up books & movies at the library, went to Rite Aid drugstore and restocked on everything I will be needing for awhile, refilled a prescription, did some food shopping at a health food store (picked up more cooked food/veggies than normal bc of the cold and bc I will be home quite a bit this weekend & want to reach for healthy items!), tried a new kombucha there that was being sampled off by the maker who came into Queens for the day from Vermont & bought some bottles because it was good...and now finishing up some laundry since the room was empty and now i'll have little laundry to do Monday. & an easier time next weekend (which will be busier because of my sister's bridal shower!).
At home though, I came back around 3pm, I haven't been very productive. I think my body just wants to relax. Getting over being sick & all. I still need to do a little more food shopping, probably tomorrow I will go again, not Monday. Need the basics now like eggs & chicken...and some fruit and maybe yogurt. Basic things that I do not usually buy at the health food store because the prices are higher there so I go to the regular supermarket...
I want to finish the romance novel that i'm in the middle of reading for a couple weeks now (I keep putting it off bc it's not really that good, but not so bad so I want to still finish it.) The book is titled "Full Blast" by Janet Evanovich but I don't recommend it because it really is far from the best book I have read. I am disappointed by it as usually I find things that are better written! But still, I want to finish the story :)
11:00am Morning Entry:
May not leave my apartment. But if I do, it's only to buy some veggies and seltzer oh...and stop to pick up my requested books at library and drop a shirt at the dry cleaners! lol (maybe i will not do all of those things, we'll see - i can easily just stay home but I want the books...) gonna do my laundry later...and relax. I have a book here to finish for now. I'd like to pick up the books from the library I requested. They are fictional novels and not from my favorite "romantic" genre, but they do have romance in them. They are good books, NY Times bestselling author. They have more substance than romance novels. That's why I want to continue reading them...
9am Breakfast: kombucha 70
10:30am big oatmeal with some pumpkin seeds 160, almond milk 20, 3/4 cup egg whites 90, 2 tablespoons whipped peanut butter 160, stevia: 430, tasty.
total so far: 500, good!
Snacking 12:30-2pm: coffee, bar 200
3pm meal: turkey patty 250, salad with dressing 100, cooked Chinese cabbage 50?. 400, good. and gonna take 2 omega pills. 420.
4:30 also beans, fruit
5:30pm: another protein bar 130, cooked cabbage 50-70
8pm: small package beef jerky 110, couple fish oil pills 20, rest of the steamed cabbage 50. 200.
total today: 1700....beyond successful - just excellent for a day mostly spent at home. even did most of my laundry last night finishing around 8:30pm. nice.
7:30: still nothing more than I had before, lots of seltzer. another day down, eating just fine. it's all about being prepared...having the food available to make good choices. lately, I do not buy chips anymore which is the reason I haven't been eating them. I guess I do NOT need them as much as I thought I did. having extra fat tends to help with feeling satisfied. I do this a lot by eating half a small or medium avocado with my lunches...perhaps I am learning more about the lower carb lifestyle...
Plan for today's calories: pick up veggies, yes, so I can eat & be full...and relax home...will pick up extra so I have a lot for the whole weekend I am thinking. and calories for today: plan is to keep them around 1600-1800.
Average 7-day calories are fantastic: 1593 daily average!!! oh yes! Haven't done a weekly average this low like this probably in years! This is dedication. This is sticking to my goal. This is what a person does when they want something and have faith in themselves to reach it. This is what proves I will reach my goals & be true to myself. This is great. I cannot be prouder of myself for making the right decisions.
1600 cals / day...well, on at least the 3 days that I exercise I could estimate I am at least burning 2,000 cal. and I am sure I burn over 1600 per day on rest days. maybe around 1800 on rest days? so, I'd estimate I burn a total of 1200 cals on my 3 exercise days and at least 800 cals on my rest days...so, total is AT LEAST (if hopefully more!) 2,000 cals burned this week. That's over a half pound in terms of weight. GREAT weightloss this week...at least half a pound I think.! Even if scale doesn't show it right away, I know it's happening!
The way I am lowering calories is pretty simple - eating breakfast later in the morning at work instead of having it at 8am I just stick with coffee & milk. Then, around 10, I eat breakfast instead of having my snack. I am able to save around 200 calories by doing this at work by having no snack and breakfast at snacktime. And by having a nice breakfast later in morning, I feel that lunch is always satisfying and right on time. It works very well...I like this. I feel healthier this way, actually, then eating right when I get to work is simply not the best!!! It's too rushed right after the drive to work anyways to eat right away...better to do it later in moring. And this process really works in weight management.
6am: Aminos & Kombucha 100
9am: coffee with milk 50, half bagel with substantial amount cream cheese 300 at most I think?
450..ohhh, and some melon 50 cal more.
If snack needed before lunch around 11am or so: Quest chocolate protein bar 200.
Total before lunch: 700
(otherwise, 450). Good…enjoyed the taste of a half a sesame bagel with cream cheese but I admit – it’s not filling or anything. Honestly, what a waste….i don’t miss it really and to have the other half…why? just to spike my blood sugar more? I honestly feel so good to just have half and throw the rest away in the women’s bathroom garbage can. Sorry, I know, I’m really writing a lot about such an insignificant topic. But that’s the mind of someone who thinks about food a lot, right?, and hasn’t had a bagel in who knows when.
half avocado 150, heavily oiled sautéed onion and peppers 250 that I ordered from a deli since friend was ordering food at work and i wanted to try them...sooo good!!! i will def order again!, sardines 180, lots of veggies: radish type cooked, cooked mushrooms, and cooked kale 100 approx: 550 cal or so is my guess. healthy & satisfying!
lately, as long as I have adequate fat with my lunch, I am satisfied and don't want to reach for carbs. something is changing with my appetite and digestion & it's for the better!!!!! I actually am not as interested in having high carbs anymore unless is more around my workouts or in the morning....something is actually changing within my body!!! Really, I am conquering my fears and becoming healthier in learning what my body requires to look and feel good...i'm not there yet, but I have reached a new level I think.
4:30pm snack: large navel orange 100 :) healthy. and water.
5:30pm-7pm: on and off sipping it, while getting my hair done (1.5hr process at salon)... decaf coffee 50. (wanting something warm and satisfying while waiting & getting the hair process done)...lots of waiting and sitting at salon...so I got the decaf coffee as I was to relax myself...it actually bloated me a little after the orange...but was what I needed to get rid of my hunger.
Close to 8pm Light dinner, smart dinner: seltzer and a white chocolate protein cookie. perfect. 360. GOOD. Balance of fat, carbs and proteins that helps me sleep.
Total cals Friday: Approx. 1760...EXCELLENT. Very proud of myself this week. It was absolutely fantastic on my part. I am sticking with my goals. And the rewards of doing this will certainly follow. I am learning to be more moderate. This is going to help me for life!!!
Exercise: not much, just a stroll around my building (stroll around 1 block in a circle) at 3pm since I couldn't sit anymore at my desk. And then also a very short walk from car parking spot (2 blocks or so away) to hair salon and back. Better than no exercise at all though. Gonna rest up this weekend and relax. Not gonna push any cardio. and will do a nice weights workout Sunday... :)
Protein cookie is small but definitely large enough to be satisfying...it's actually two servings and has a nice amount of healthy fiber ( I think 3-4g per serving so total of around 6-8g fiber which is good when I drink the selzter with it...fills me up) It's Better than a big meal of vegetables and stuff because it was already around 8pm and I was planning on sleeping early. and then I did take Nyquil and was able to sleep a bit better, but still waking up a little to use bathroom and also coughing. Feeling much better though and looking towards a good week next week as well! Sister's bridal shower is NEXT weekend! yay!!
Spoke to my favorite guy on the phone last night around 8pm. He was headed out in the car with his guy best friend. and I was on speaker phone. First 15 min or so convo was excellent, but then last 5 minutes when he had to call me back...I was getting tired...and asking slightly personal questions which was totally ok and not weird really, but I knew I should hang up soon, so I did...glad I was able to talk to my man even if on speaker phone with his best friend around. Glad I am more in his life these days...we have a long ways to go, but this is a good start.
We had bagels for breakfast this Friday and that has been the highlight of the day / morning.
I am really exhausted. Wanting to reach out to my “man” but know I can’t because I just did last night. If he doesn’t wish me a Happy Valetine’s on Sunday I’m going to be upset. He and I are very honest with each other and there’s no reason to play games because of holidays. We text everyday & keep each other updated with what we are each up to. There’s no reason to stop communicating because it’s Valentine’s Day & we aren’t in any “official” relationship.
Lately, everything with him is all peaches. He’s slowly but surely opening up more & more with me. Still, I am way more open than him. He is trying & at least he’s working on it. I am pushing him a little bit. He doesn’t seem to mind. It’s moving forward. He seems to have my back. He seems to not want to hurt me emotionally again. I trust him to make good decisions & to continue open up and communicate better with me…
I am very exhausted today. I haven’t been sleeping great bc I am waking up often with a dry cough. This weekend, my goal is to get a lot of sleep, rest, read, relax. My dad called me & asked if I wanted to come over my parent’s house on the weekend. I declined the offer because I have been seeing them most weekends for the past couple months now. I need a lot of alone time, time to do errands, time to relax, gym, and other personal things like getting my hair done. I must relax this weekend. I am putting emphasis on relaxing. It’s the only 3-day weekend until I take days off before sister’s wedding 4/2/16. It’s a lot of time. I may take one more day in March so that I have another 3-day weekend, I think. Sometimes, you have to put yourself first & care about your own health. Because nobody else at work or in the world is going to care for you better than you care for yourself. And in my attempts to become healthier and be able to move from this job to the police academy, I’ll take days here & there when I need to.
Progress as of today: 8 lbs lost so far, only 3 lbs to go!