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Horn_Of_Plenty - Sunday Apr 19, 2009
(count calories/exercise/relaxing thoughts!)
Weight: 140.0

i had dessert yesterday, too, so calories were a bit higher. i'd say around 3,000 approx.

today is a wedding. woke up and had lots of cream cheese and whitefish salad on a sandwhich of 2 pieces of wheat toast. 

for the wedding, i'm wearing all black but i realized the wedding takes place at noon...it's less formal i guess kinda at that time, no? not sure. anyway, i was going to wear heals, but if i do, i'll be in pain for the next week (my VACATION week) and that won't be good at all. so, i'm wearing flats. ha.

honestly, there have been plenty of times recently where i'd rather not be alive. that's the thought in my head, anyway. thankfully, i'm too afraid to do anything to actually harm myself so for now i can say i will remain alive but depressed. i am at a low right now in my life. a continued low for the past 2 years. i am struggling deeply to get out of it. i do not want to be at the wedding today. i am sad for what i have become.

Progress as of today: -15 lbs lost so far, only 20 lbs to go!

loveray on 04/19/2009:
honey, i am so sad you are not well. im sending healing energy...call me if you feel like chatting. xoxo

Umpqua on 04/19/2009:
I urge you to talk to a counselor or trusted friend/professor - someone about how you are feeling. If this has been going on for 2 years it's NOT going to get better on its own. You have a lot of great things going on in your life and a lot to be hopeful about. I really hope you will get some help to get to the root of your problems so you can begin healing.

WI_HashiHypo on 04/20/2009:
GET HELP. The simple fact that you posted this here online IS a cry for help. Your mind is telling you to get help. You need help, you've needed help for two years. And you might just have a simple chemical imbalance that is EASILY corrected. MANY hospitals and clinics will work within your income guidelines (or lack of) and you may even find someone who is willing to help you free of charge because doctors and therapists are given incentives to do exactly that. You've taken the first step here by admitting you have those thoughts. And as a person who has those thoughts and who is still 'ashamed' to admit it even though the doctor is fully aware of my down times, there is help. But help won't come to you unless you make a 911 call. The step after the first is scary, I know, but when you finally get the key that unlocks what is going on inside you...trust me, you will feel a freedom far beyond anything you could have ever imagined.

First, seek out a counselor but let that counselor know you've not had a complete physical for a couple of years, then get a check up to rule out anything medical (Including thyroid disease-get the number!) and then continue with your counseling. The doctor can prescribe something that will help you feel better right away as well as something that will take time but evenutally help. There is NOTHING WRONG with asking for help and there is no shame in admitting to a professional that you need a particular kind of help. They deal with all kinds of issues each and every day. And you don't have to tell your family spit about any of it.

The first step of being independant is taking care of yourself. And knowing when you have to get outside help. Stop trying to carry all of this yourself! You may have something medically wrong that you didn't even know about! And your weight gain, binging, etc. might be a symptom of a medical condition. You are only going to drive yourself crazy if you keep going in circles waiting for that magic moment when you step out of this cycle and everything is well again. Sometimes we need help and at the risk of pissing some people off, I am going to tell you once again...YOU NEED HELP.

Get help. If you want me to do some research on clinics in your area that are low cost or doctors or whatever that will help for free, TELL ME because I am very good at being an advocate. I've done it many, many times for my employees. Anything from counseling to eye glasses. But you have to actually admit that you have a problem, and that will honestly give you the strength to get help.

ricearoni on 04/20/2009:
It's true - we all make choices and pay the price, we "do it to ourself." But, that is life and it sounds like you are working hard and have a lot going on and a lot to be proud of. The weight struggle alone is tough to deal with. You deserve to be happy. If you are not happy and have not been happy for so long, that is not normal and you do need help. We all do one way or another so please,let go of your feelings of shame and guilt and reach out. Figuring out what might be wrong physically or mentally will help you to focus your efforts to take care of yourself and achieve more success. While making no diagnosis of any kind, these kinds of feelings touch so many of us personally or through family or friends and there is help and hope available.

hollybelle on 04/20/2009:
Hey you know we have been following each others posts for quite awhile now - couple of years +, I guess, huh? So you know I say this from the heart - as I believe all the other posts above do, too - please don't do nothing to help yourself. Do something. It is always darkest just before dawn but sometimes the night is very long....Do you have insurance? If so find out what you need to do to get referred to a good counselor - if not - there are places that do counseling on a sliding fee basis - sometimes free....I wish I was there to give you a hug and tell you it will be alright! I have felt like you do and I'm sorry you are feeling like this now.

Horn_Of_Plenty - Saturday Apr 18, 2009
(count calories/exercise/relaxing thoughts!)
Weight: 140.0

i ate the entire world on friday. not even going to guess calories. i did walk 4 miles.

today, saturday: morning consisted of different kinds of macaroons (cookies) which were coconut, chocolate chip, chocolate coated. the works. around 900 cal?

lunch: a not so healthy sweet pepper salad 150?, whitefish salad on toast: 350?

total so far today: 1400 fine.

dinner w. friends tonight.

plans for monday, after the wedding sunday, clean up!!!! finish laundry. put everything away. wash my bedding finally. ew. and wash the bathroom. clean everything and get my act together! :) i need to badly. iron pants for school.  then, relax the remainder of the week. exercise a lot. those are my only goals. i can handle just about nothing more at the moment. last week i became overwhelmed. i am a mess at the moment.

Progress as of today: -15 lbs lost so far, only 20 lbs to go!

Horn_Of_Plenty - Thursday Apr 16, 2009
(count calories/exercise/relaxing thoughts!)
Weight: 140.0

total 1.5 hours of cardio today. happy with that!


100 breakfast

500 late breakfast

400 lunch

160 snack

dinner was not as hot: baked sweet potato 150?, pepper salad (lots of dressing) uh, 150? tuna fish 150, chocolates no idea maybe 250 at the least, CAKE also (old and leftovers since last week! yuck! haha, but tasty uhhh....700 or so? total here: 1400? ew?

total: 2560 ( at most, hopefully less.)

at least i did good exercise. today was a good day at school as well. got along well with all my classmates and other people  there which is very important to me always.

hmmm...tomorrow is my last test before break! wahoo.

then, wedding sunday which i'm iffy about.  at least i DON'T have to buy a dress, thankfully! :) i do have to buy stockings though :(

vacation next week! i'm not going anywhere lol. but i'm happy to be OFF!

Progress as of today: -15 lbs lost so far, only 20 lbs to go!

Umpqua on 04/16/2009:
Great job on the exercise! Cake is a huge weakness for me (as well as chocolate). I made my hubby this really decadent chocolate peanut butter cake for his birthday and we ended up freezing half of it. Unfortunately it tastes really good frozen!

That's wonderful that you are doing well in school, that's something positive for you to work from. Keep up the good attitude and enjoy your week off!

loveray on 04/17/2009:
good luck on the last of your tests! i will be thinking of you...have a great weekend! xoxo

Horn_Of_Plenty - Tuesday Apr 14, 2009
(count calories/exercise/relaxing thoughts!)
Weight: 140.0

calories before dinner: 1100

calories i'm planning on after having dinner: 1500. good day today. i don't wanna mess it up.

studying after dinner for my last test this week which i will ACE. I have no choice. I will memorize everything really well. I want the highest grade. that's the competitive streak in me which sometimes comes out....


i am thinking about what i need to change/do to actually lose weight so that i can be happy about this controllable aspect of my life.

i would be nice to look good this summer. relax on the beach a little bit.  last summer i ran far away from the beach.

i probably weigh at least 145. not kidding one bit. since the end of last summer, that's 20 or so lbs more.

i've been killing myself these past two years.

this is moreso an entry for myself. to write my thoughts down. to clear my mind.

what can i do that will work? if i didn't have to study tonight i would have went to the gym. instead, i had to stay for an hour and a half extra for a meeting at school and then came home at 6 to eat (binge) and study. and that worked well. if i went to the gym, my studying WOULD have suffered even more and i KNOW that.  I know what i can handle when it comes to that. and the gym wasn't feasable. not that i should have binged. (and by binging, i mean that today was at least 3500-4000 cal).

i have that wedding sunday. not thrilled. i will be the largest one there. but i deserve it because i have done it to myself. I'm a rather healthy person who chose to make totally rash choices and decisions. and still does. it's like a brain fog that won't clear.

i am so lost right now. so confused with my life.

doesn't help that i need completely wash out another certificate of deposit at the bank and use it as a saving's account because i have NO MORE savings/checking.

that's what happens, when you don't work and go back to school.

soon enough, i'll be trying to get a job near me (even close than where i go to school) as a nurse's aide.  that means i'll be cleaning people's behinds all day.  and actually, it requires some training. i need to make money and want to make it while working in the health field. so there.

life is not simple, that is certain. and anyone who thinks it is, I wish i could see it that way.   but i'm actually not being negative because if life was simply we'd all be bored. i'm just saying right now life is confusing the shi# out of me!

Progress as of today: -15 lbs lost so far, only 20 lbs to go!

loveray on 04/15/2009:
you are right, life and living is not simple, but it is such a gift! we are so blessed this moment with fine body, fine spirit and fine intellectualism. a challenge: write 10 things you are grateful for on your next entry...i will do it too! xoox

nimony on 04/15/2009:
Life is certainly not simple. I am going through a lot of what you are...was out of work...now have a temp job, went back to school, out of money, raising two kids, etc. It's hard to fit it all in. Identify your priorties as they are right now...loveray's gratitude list is a good way to start. Decide what you need to do and can do now to achieve your priorities. Present moment thinking will help you stay on track. No, it's not easy, but it's worthwhile when you experience that awesome feeling of accomplishment. As an example, exercise is high on my priority list, but the demands of school don't leave as much time for exercise. Like you, I compete with myself for good grades. My weight loss goal is a lifestyle change, long-term goal, so I know I'll be successful, it will just take me longer. Hope some of this helps! Best of luck to you!

Horn_Of_Plenty - Tuesday Apr 14, 2009
(count calories/exercise/relaxing thoughts!)
Weight: 140.0

If we wait for the moment when everything, absolutely everything, is ready, we shall never begin.

- Ivan Turgenev, novelist, poet, playwright


edit: i did binge today.

Progress as of today: -15 lbs lost so far, only 20 lbs to go!

WI_HashiHypo on 04/14/2009:
That is so very very true

loveray on 04/14/2009:
love this quote- who are we not to shine?? xoxo

legcramps on 04/14/2009:
no kidding... but i continue to hope lol!

Umpqua on 04/14/2009:
Checking in on you. Tomorrow will be a better day :)

Horn_Of_Plenty - Sunday Apr 12, 2009
(count calories/exercise/relaxing thoughts!)
Weight: 140.0

last week was a blowout.

i realize i'm 26...optimal age to look great.

this weekend wasn't great but wasn't horrible (saturday and sunday). i think friday was really messed up if i remember right.

tonight i had a large slice of this potato based cake with frosting and coconut.

i won't give up, as usual. BUT, i will say that my health should come first and foremost. i will stick to my exercise. and try to not take what i look like for the time being (fat) too seriously.

i am considered overweight for my height.

it's all about moderation. today was pretty moderate, besides the cake at dinner.

tired, allergies....

phone call tonight with this new guy from a dating online site....i'm nervous.  i am not a phone type person....(see, loveray!)

Progress as of today: -15 lbs lost so far, only 20 lbs to go!

Maria7 on 04/12/2009:
Like you, I, too, am considered overweight for my height (5'8"). Not supposed to go over 154. I wear stretch 8's jeans and want to comfortably wear non-stretch 8's jeans. But I'm eating a lot more lately and am mostly maintaining 160. Like you say, moderation. :-)

selina on 04/13/2009:
It's so hard to lose weight (for me) when it's allergy season. I took the allergy shots last fall for a long time, nearly 2 months, but it seems like it didn't work. when I was travelling I didn't feel the allergy as much, but now that I am back home, I have the symptoms again. take it easy and don't forget to take the allergy medication. Stay well!

loveray on 04/13/2009:
yea my allergies make me so lethargic too! i cannot wait for more beautiful weather, sans pollen. i hope you had a good weekend. xoxo

Horn_Of_Plenty - Wednesday Apr 08, 2009
(count calories/exercise/relaxing thoughts!)
Weight: 140.0

not really in the mood for a long entry.

binged at breakfast, later had a non-nutritious early lunch....

big dinner: passover seder tonight and tomorrow night.

my size 8 jeans are quite too snug for my liking. was almost about to buy a size 10. nah, i'll just have to work on this diet thing again. but obviously i should enjoy dinner tonight and tomorrow. it's food i don't eat all the time. ha, forget about looking good at this wedding! oh well, it's too late.

i did go to the gym today for an hour on the elliptical. skipped school (reason for my breakfast binge). i'm having company over the next two nights and i needed some time to study and go to the gym, etc. lol, so i eat, naturally.

calories today will be around 3,000-4,000.

tomorrow should be the same, except i have to go to school. i will stop at the park to exercise before coming home tomorrow.

ugh.....not so good. i am trying but not near enough to take the reins and become procative to help myself.

no weightloss goals. but, starting thursday, i'll work on 1500 cal per day w. daily exercise. again.

Progress as of today: -15 lbs lost so far, only 20 lbs to go!

grumpy on 04/08/2009:
girl, what will we do with ourselves? i need a push too. let's do this?

WI_HashiHypo on 04/08/2009:
When you binge, you average 5,000 calories. Why not allow yourself on purpose a week of 4500 calories per day, then take it down 500 calories at a time? Not saying to make yourself eat that many, but ALLOW yourself to go over and not try to 'make up' for it by doing extra exercise or dropping calories the next day to 1200 or anything. Eat at least 1500 a day so you don't set yourself up for metabolic syndrome, but ALLOW yourself to eat 4500 calories a day if you want. Don't carry over calories, don't subtract calories, just let it be what it is. Keep it simple on yourself. You are under enough stress with things at home and school, don't let your nourishment stress you. Then the next week, drop it to allowing yourself 4000 calories if you want, but no less than 1500. Then 3500, 3000, etc.

You look at food as a reward and an escape. So, if you need food as a reward and as an escape or sense of joy in your life right now..why not make friends with it? And once you see that you DO have control over deciding to eat at least 1500 calories a day, but no more than 4500 or 3500 or whatever it is that week, you will remember what it is like to make better choices like you used to before it all got ahead of you.

You can't go from eating 5000 calories a day and limited exercise to 1500 calories a day and two hours worth of exercise, without your body totally freaking out. You know that because that's what's been happening for a few months now. What would be wrong with starting over by whittling down your current average and getting back to where you were? That way there isn't a severe shock to your already taxed system, and you can stop being afraid of handling a 1500 calorie day.

You are right, if you keep going you will be morbidly obese in no time. And if you think a snug size eight is bad, try a snug size 22. The whole journey of losing weight and creating a manageable lifestyle isn't about doing it right and perfect every single day according to a 'book' or what other people are doing. It is what works for you. And so if you do the step down thing it might take you an extra few weeks to lose weight, but you would be learning how to regain a little more control and taking the pressure off of yourself. Then when your mind clears a little more and your schedule is a little less hectic, you can do more. There is no way I could survive on 'green drinks' and 'seaweed' without going totally crazy and eating 5000 calories worth of fast food in one sitting.

You might have to face that what worked before for you, just isn't working right now. Trust me I KNOW how that feels.

You will find your way again, HOP. But for now, you need to release the pressure.

Horn_Of_Plenty - Tuesday Apr 07, 2009
(count calories/exercise/relaxing thoughts!)
Weight: 140.0

lots of binging today too.


despite by binging, i did go to the gym for 65 minutes on the elliptical and i did ride my bike for 20 minutes.

calories are by no means good. around 3500-4000 today.

honestly, i'm at a critical point where it's best i start eating right. before i become obese. i work in a health field and i see with my own eyes what happens when people do not care about their health. and i've been acting like an idiot for the past 1.5 years. I need to help myself but i've failed every time. i don't have good insurance to see a psychologist and i personally don't want one. I cannot live like this anymore.

i have NO control when i start to binge. and once i go to one fast food restaurant i

Progress as of today: -15 lbs lost so far, only 20 lbs to go!

Umpqua on 04/07/2009:
Sending positive vibes your way. You can always start fresh tomorrow.

WI_HashiHypo on 04/07/2009:
I found out that overeaters annonymous has online meetings! I went to one last night, it was really very interesting. =) take care!

thinnside40 on 04/07/2009:
Have you ever had a panic/anxiety attack?...... I have and if that isn't a wake up call to be concerend about a person's heart...A heart-attack crosses my mind EVERY stinkin' time, even though I have changed my way, I still worry about what damage I HAVE done over the years to my organs......

YOU HORN!!!!!! YOU CAN do this.......... Believe in you as much as most of us do..... :-)

nimony on 04/07/2009:
Hi Horn, okay, I've been in your shoes. Can't seem to get out of the downward spiral. Right? Feeling lost, aggravated, can't seem to get back on track. Right? There's another approach you can take. It's called, "As if...." You act "as if" you are already doing the right things, the positive steps, the proactive actions. You tell yourself positive things about you and what you're doing. You do positive things as though you've been doing them all along. And the more you do these positive things and reinforce them with positive actions, the more your own actions will in fact become positive. It's kind of crazy, but it really works. And the other thing to do is concentrate on what you're doing that's right. Compliment yourself on positive actions, no matter how small or big. Yeah, we all fall of the wagon once in awhile, me included. But that's okay. We're only human. The trick is to put that behind us, continue giving ourselves positive reinforcement for ANYTHING we do that's positive, no matter how large or small, and moving forward in spite of everything else. YOU CAN DO IT, HORN! Look how much you've grown, how far you've gotten, and how well you've done so far!!!! We have faith in your abilities. Have faith in yourself! You have been doing it and you can continue to do so!!! I believe in you, Horn. Believe in yourself!

MoodyMe on 04/07/2009:
I'm really sorry to hear that you are struggling..I can't really say much more than what the others have said..I just hope that you can find the strength that IS INSIDE YOU to make the changes you need to make..

Have you ever thought of eating differently? I mean, I notice from your menus that you eat a lot of veggies and sea weedish..tofu stuff...ever thought of making up a menu that includes more "real" food? Still eat all the veggies you want..but maybe add more "satisfying" foods also~that stays within a certain caloric range? I couldnt eat what you do and feel satisfied..therefore I would be setting myself up for a binge..Just a thought..


Horn_Of_Plenty - Tuesday Apr 07, 2009
(count calories/exercise/relaxing thoughts!)
Weight: 140.0

i was doing so well. happy, going about my business. and then, bam!!! overeating. so, in the past two days, i've had 5000-6000 calories PER DAY.

i'm just not going well.  a lot of my teacher friends are on vacation. we haven't had a vacation since December. so, yeah, i'm feeling it. 

i'm very swollen and screwed up from binging on fast food all of yesterday, even breakfast.

i just need to get through the day....

Progress as of today: -15 lbs lost so far, only 20 lbs to go!

thinnside40 on 04/07/2009:
Dangit! Sorry about that........ I know the swollen & screwed up feelings from past fast food indulgences...... WATER WATER WATER & try to stick to your healthier side.... YOU CAN!!!!!!!!

starfish on 04/07/2009:
*hugs* Thank you for your recent comments.

legcramps on 04/07/2009:
Have a good day today!

Horn_Of_Plenty - Sunday Apr 05, 2009
(count calories/exercise/relaxing thoughts!)
Weight: 140.0

despite an awesome weekend. i binged. not sure why. but i did. the end. calories i didn't even count after awhile. probably around 5,000 at least. not good.


goal for today: 1900 cal.  the following menu is subject to change...

breakfast: really in the mood for cereal w. milk. and a sweet cereal, that is. will go to the store and look around when i buy the newspapers.  i think i will have 2 yogurts w. cereal mixed in....i ended up buying kozy shack ready grains. they came in a pack of 2. so i had both. crazy me. and 2 yogurts. too filling and too much. but too sweet to pass up....total: 540.

snack: fiber one bar 140

snack 2: another healthy bar, no fake stuff 240

total so far: 920...

lunch: edamame, bagel w. egg and bacon. oh yes. 800.


dinner: i have no idea.

exercise: bike 20 min, park 4.5 miles. fantastic. the weather is just beautiful. right now, even though i'd like to lose weight like the rest of the world, my focus is solely on improving my fitness while not gaining any more weight. it feels so good to be able to accomplish more and more fitness-wise. i'm so glad it's warm enough to enjoy biking. :)


Progress as of today: -15 lbs lost so far, only 20 lbs to go!

WI_HashiHypo on 04/05/2009:
Good luck today! My boss told me about some sprouted bread he gets at a natural store. I'm going to try it and see how it makes me feel. Have a fantastic day and great day yesterday!

Donkey on 04/05/2009:
Donkey was here! Great job on the cardio!!!!

nimony on 04/05/2009:
Hey Horn, you're not alone when it comes to days when we eat way too much food. I did the same thing today. So, it's only one day, and that day is behind us now. Tomorrow is a new day, a day to reconfirm our goals, and get back on track. Congratulate yourself for all the good things you are doing, esp. all the exercising! And don't beat yourself up on too much food today. Accept it, put it behind you, and move on. Today, I'm speaking as much to me as I am to you because I did the same thing! We're in good company! :)

loveray on 04/06/2009:
i hope you had a good time despite the binge. sending love!

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