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Horn_Of_Plenty - Saturday Oct 11, 2008
(count calories/exercise/relaxing thoughts!)
Weight: 135.0

i have weight to lose and i want to lose it. i have NO restrictions on types of foods. meaning, anything is really permitted. i CAN have white foods. and all that. but, i MUST start COUNTING calories and CARING. this is pathetic. i am 26 and the 20s are usually the best times and easiest to look good. not sure what i'm waiting for. but of course, i'm never giving up. lots of good exercise this weekend - haha, and eating.

total calories on sunday: 2200

sunday: not much better. breakfast: 350

lunch: all kinds of things - half healthy, half not. 1055.

snack: 2 sugar cookies

dinner: lean cuisine flatbread, one red pepper, some lettuce


saturday night:

pigged out at the wedding. it started off innocent and then i guess the alcohol helped me make some bad decisions. this wedding was FANCY. the cocktail hour had excellent food...and then dinner choices included filet mignon and salmon among other GREAT foods. dessert was everything and anything. included cheesecake balls on lollipop sticks. don't ask.

definitely around 4000 calories, at least.


cheers to the weekend. cheers to a great friend getting married today. cheers to getting my hair straightened so it comes out well and i don't have to stress at all over that. cheers to wearing a new dress (lol, even though i don't love it!?). cheers to the weather being awesome. cheers to my saxophone being sold on ebay so i can ship it out. cheers to going for a walk this morning, since the wedding starts in the evening at 7pm. cheers to not having to worry about money like some people do. cheers to belonging to a gym. cheers to having a car. cheers.

just gotta think positive. this is what makes people happy.

going to do the things i listed above today.

breakfast: 3 ounces wheatgrass which will help my body digest and eliminate some stuff! then, a smoothie with lots of fiber, banana, chocolate protein. 340

snack: snapple 120

lunch: probably dunkin donuts flatbread with coffee 340

snack: avocado mixed into greek yogurt, 2 bran crackers. 225

total so far: 1025 fine.

dinner: wedding (and i will probably have around 2 drinks there as well - not a day to think about LOW LOW LOW calories!)

exercise: 6 mile walk. no yoga because it can dehydrate which i probably already am and i don't want to get sick at the wedding.

Progress as of today: -10 lbs lost so far, only 20 lbs to go!

yaz on 10/11/2008:
That's exactly what you do! You name all the good things you are grateful for and think positive! Enjoy the wedding!

MattsGirl16 on 10/11/2008:
Have a good weekend!

teriyaki on 10/11/2008:
Enjoy the wedding.

loveray on 10/11/2008:
hope you had a great night at the wedding. i would love to see some pictures if you are willing to share! i had greek yogurt for lunch today- but made it sweet, of course. the avocado addition sounds great! the whole foods near me stopped carrying my bran crackers...i am so sad!!

thinnside40 on 10/11/2008:
Good Day to "cheer"........ CHEERS TO YOU!!!!!!!!!!

WI3 on 10/11/2008:
A new dress is fun!! And I bet you looked beautiful!

leeumom on 10/11/2008:
And CHEERS TO YOU!!! Hope you have a wonderful weekend.

skinnyjeans on 10/11/2008:
Cheers! Sounds like you're having a GREAT weekend! :)

loveray on 10/12/2008:
HAHAH. dont ask! well im glad you enjoyed your time, sister. thats what weddings are all about. and by the sound of your comment, you actually saw some friends, smiled and laughed: so much more valuable than how you "looked" in that dress. love you- and send me your facebook name!! xoxo

Donkey on 10/12/2008:
Donkey was here; she says you definitely have a lot to be positive about in life, although you may not see or feel it right now. You should try living Donkey's life, what a POS-WOT that is.

skinnyjeans on 10/12/2008:
Glad you got lots of good excercise in...and I like your "never give up" attitude!

WI3 on 10/12/2008:
I think it is a very good idea to buckle down and go for what you want for yourself personally. Specifically, your desire to get healthy and lose some weight. Don't give up on your health during the midst of everything. It is far too easy to get sick/injured that way. I know! Take care!

mcwoo40 on 10/13/2008:
Just passing to say hello.I am waiting for this thinner body to step out of this fat body, i don't know when it will happen so i will never give up too,take care Julie

thinnside40 on 10/13/2008:
Oh goodness cheesecake lollipops!!!!!!!!!!??????!!!!!!!!!!! mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm mmmmmmm mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Good Monday to you!

greengirl on 10/13/2008:
Hi HoP, cheers to you sweetheart. I love it when you are positive. Hope you have a great week this week :)

Horn_Of_Plenty - Friday Oct 10, 2008
(count calories/exercise/relaxing thoughts!)
Weight: 135.0

yesterday was sickening. today was crappy.

today: nothing until 10am. fruit/tea. 120 or so.

lunch: sugary, kashi bar and smoothie (bad choices.)

after work: some healthy but big roll, seaweed salad, tofu burger. prob around 1100 for this stuff. but then i had some sugary stuff afterwards which ruined what could have been an ok day.

prob around 4000 today.

tomorrow i have a wedding, haha, cross my fingers i fit into my dress...

Progress as of today: -10 lbs lost so far, only 20 lbs to go!

grumpy on 10/10/2008:
i know, did you see how short is the back??? its crazy, never had hair that short. i think i look better with the long hair, but i like the change aspect of it. i think tomorrow i will have to tell j we need time away. and i need to be strong and stick to it, so it's good that i got the haircut, i a girl told me today at work that you carry your karma on your hair and she doesnt even know about J. I hope she's right. hope you feel better and relax about the wedding, have fun! xo

loveray on 10/10/2008:
i hope that would have fun at your wedding! i know what you mean about the fasting- i wrestled with doing that to myself with my eating disorder. but for some reason, this year, it was much easier than others not to think about the food. love to you!

Horn_Of_Plenty - Thursday Oct 09, 2008
(count calories/exercise/relaxing thoughts!)
Weight: 135.0

i did binge. badly. no idea how much i ate. but it can EASILY be around 6,000.

something inside me clicked in a bad way and the binge just went off tonight and when i got home, after the dinner, i did eat more (desserts - pure sugar)


today was a day of fast but i didn't fast. i went to work and ate pretty normally. it's ok. every jew observes in their own way.

550 cal breakfast. kinda big, but good.

400 cal lunch.

350 cal snack

cal. so far: 1300. alright.

dinner: out at a friend of family's house to observe the holiday. i refuse to come back really late bc i have to study for a test. (i will take my own car if i have to...) and i will eat moderately well. i have enough calories to still have something good to eat, right?

Progress as of today: -10 lbs lost so far, only 20 lbs to go!

teriyaki on 10/09/2008:
Sorry about the binge. It happens. Don't beat yourself up. Just start over with a clean slate, ...as I am sure you are well aware...you've been doing this for awhile. You know what to do. Keep it up . Pat yourself on the back for all the good things you do for yourself and all the healthy choices you are making..

skinnyjeans on 10/10/2008:
Today is a new day...you can get back on track! We're here for support. :) Have a nice day!

Horn_Of_Plenty - Wednesday Oct 08, 2008
(count calories/exercise/relaxing thoughts!)
Weight: 135.0

kinda a celebratory and home cooked and holiday meal..was prob around a "conservative" as grumpy would say...probably 1000:

soup with veggies and matza (bread) ball, chicken and potato (little bit), moderate piece of strawberry rhubarb pie (decadent and rich)

so today was around 2200 ok. bc no binge and enjoyed a nice dinner. tomorrow will be more of the same i think. oh well. gotta enjoy meals/days like this.

i only biked, had to come home for dinner!

trying to eat better. taking vitamin C and E because a goal of mine is to improve my skin and hair. especially my face since it's bad now. comes and goes with hormones. but, when you eat a lot (like overexcessive amount) of sugar it is proven that some of the vitamins you need are not absorbed well. and i KNOW this is what happened with me. because i ate TERRIBLY and my face is a WRECK. hopefully it'll be mostly better in a week and next time when hormones strike it won't be NEAR as bad! :)


pretty busy day today. lol, so i got my monthly visitor today (maybe another reason for all the anger in my entries lately) and i wasn't ready. knew it was coming, didn't realize it was sooo close. i was wearing white pants (my uniform!!) so it was a bit awkward. luckily nothing too bad. lol.

anyways, food was good.

300 breakfast (egg on bran cracker, fiber one cup of it plus cup almond milk)

70 calorie apple snack

400 calorie beans, salad, tofu lunch (trying to get MORE veggies in before i leave work!)

350 calorie dunkin donuts snack. lol. sandwich and coffee.

so far: 1120. i would like to do well today.

dinner with family tonight. i will make sure i eat moderately!

exercise: bike, elliptical, WEIGHTS. i've layed off of weights for about a week! oops. didn't go to gym and was too lazy to do them at home! must do abs too. tonight is the start of a jewish holiday. but i will be observing it by still going to school tomorrow since i have a test and wouldn't be attending temple anyway. so busy! i cannot wait till sunday. the wedding will be over and i will probably sleep a lot! lots of things going on this year. once again, it's better that way!

Progress as of today: -10 lbs lost so far, only 20 lbs to go!

grumpy on 10/08/2008:
Aw thanks, thats so sweet. The pic above with J is from LA just now. The other one was at a wedding months ago that I do think i looked really pretty. I was just 5 pounds bigger there (uff, that reminds me i am 5 pounds up! but oh well!). I don't know I think hair depends on your genes and on how you treat it. I never did much coloring, never damaged it much with straightening products, etc. I have no idea of how your hair looks because you never posted a picture. Boo! I use just any shampoo and conditioner (dove or anything really) and all i do is put a little bit of anti frizz right after the shower and then a little more again after i dry my bangs. my hair tends to get oily easily if i do too much to it. The cool thing about shorter hair is that i can easily dry it straight or leave it natural, kinda wavy. With the long hair blow drying it takes way too long and it never ends up totally straight. So it always looks the same. I will post a pic with new hair tomorrow! Yay! Sounds cool about your hair! Take a pic! :)

i had a similar day to you. no binging and enjoyed a nice dinner, so calories were on the high side, but not bad. xoxoxo. btw, try to enjoy the wedding instead of looking fwd to it being over. :)

thinnside40 on 10/08/2008:
Yep...Avocado is a staple in the menu these days... I substitute it for other things and pretty satisfying..Plus suppose to be good for my cholesterol too... Can't beat that!

Glad to hear that your day was good and you consider it to be o.k. to eat as you did... And NOT binge.... Yippee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

selina on 10/09/2008:
Enjoy the holidays and the wonderful food, hop!

skinnyjeans on 10/09/2008:
Taking vitamins is a great idea. My mom constantly bugs me to take them, and I ususally slack. But she's right! And keep up the good work...monitoring food intake and excercising. You are on the right track!

anewhb on 10/09/2008:
OHHH yeah - the hormones add to the craziness of this life, huh! Hang in there and hope Yom Kippur is good. The day of Atonement. God bless.

Horn_Of_Plenty - Tuesday Oct 07, 2008
(count calories/exercise/relaxing thoughts!)
Weight: 135.0

today was STRANGE. i went to bed at a decent time but throughout the morning at clinical in the hospital i was SWEATING profusely. like i might have had a fever. all morning, sweating. i felt gross! but it went away by afternoon, thankfully!

no exercise as i did errands after work: i found a dress that i'm not loving, but am happy i found it and don't have to worry about that again before a wedding i have on saturday. i did forget my coupon though, so i will have to go back - they put it on hold. i hope i still have my coupon! haha, i'm always scatterbrained with this kinda stuff...

i also got a new tube for my bike. i was going to put it away till spring but i've seen so many people riding that i decided to get it done. seven dollars...but i gave him a 3 dollar tip because he's that fast and that good. great service. that's when you should tip. when they give you a really decent price and do everything nice!

breakfast was a bit large, maybe that's what caused me to sweat. lots of peanut butter. but not horrible good fats. tofu. avocado, bran crackers. that's about it. 750

snack: NONE. and i was alright. just hungry right before lunch!

lunch: tofu, salad, beans, (too much cauliflower also and boy was that i bad idea....haha) light dressing: 400

snack: green drink, bar: 300

snack: apple, 2 ounces wheatgrass (i'm really trying to help my skin)100

dinner: 2 eggs, 1 big red pepper. 230

dessert: greek yogurt, cinnamon, 3-4 tablespoons sf jelly...3 chocolates...and i didn't binge after that which is great. 350.

after dessert: tea.

total calories: 2130. fine. it's not above 2200. i may have burned less than what i ate. but it's not a binge and i was on my feet most of the day today. tomorrow i will be sitting more, so i will try to eat accordingly. but, most importantly, no binging. that's the habit i need to break first and foremost.

Progress as of today: -10 lbs lost so far, only 20 lbs to go!

loveray on 10/07/2008:
you know what! i have eaten a really big breakfast before and felt SO hot to the touch: i am usually freezing, so it really alarmed me- maybe your metabolic rate was just firing up! a good sign considering all we have put our bodies through- i am proud that you are committed to breaking the binge cycle. xoxo

thinnside40 on 10/07/2008:
"that's the habit i need to break first and foremost."

That is what I like to read from you... You know what you need to do and are working on it constantly, not giving up.... That says something!

anewhb on 10/08/2008:
HOP - sorry I guess all this time I didn't realize just where you lived. I hope everything's calmed down a little bit, at least, at home. I'm really glad you can vent here. I hold stuff in too much sometimes and I know that's not good. (Although my family would probably say I should hold it in MORE- LOL)!!! So you can see there's some discord at my house at times.....does it ever end? Probably not for someone with all our collective personalities, however, I think we do better than most from what I hear from friends, etc.! Whew - sometimes it's impossible to keep it all together. Hang in there my dear!!

greengirl on 10/08/2008:
Well done HoP that you have not let your recent stresses make you binge. You can do this sweetheart :)

Horn_Of_Plenty - Monday Oct 06, 2008
(count calories/exercise/relaxing thoughts!)
Weight: 135.0

trying to remember what i ate today...feeling incredibly gross all day from everything that went on last night (not involving food for once). my face is all broken out. really bad. i am exhausted.

breakfast: 2 eggs, avocado, bran crackers, banana, 420

snack: apple, two of my friend's almonds: 100

lunch: salad, bean salads, tofu: 400

snack: green drink and luna bar: 250

snack 2: tofu and some bran crackers: 140

dinner: two italian peppers, avocado, egg, string beans with salt. 250

dessert: greek yogurt, sf jelly, cinnamon: 120

short two mile walk today, really tired out.

total calories: 1680. VERY good. i will focus only on eating healthy for awhile. not on dropping calories very low. weight should come off after awhile. no need to push it.

Progress as of today: -10 lbs lost so far, only 20 lbs to go!

WI3 on 10/06/2008:
Let out that stress and VENT any time you want!!! It is healthy and it helps clear the mind and helps you focus. I am so happy for you that you finally allowed yourself to get angry and say the things you want to say and get in touch with that part of yourself. Hang tough!!

sweetpea1977 on 10/06/2008:
I just caught up on all your entries. You poor thing. If I had room, I'd let you move in with me. You do not deserve to be treated like crap!! Anyway, Im so glad that you are letting this anger out and that the gals on here were able to leave you some supportive comments. If you cant rely on your real family, you can at least take comfort in knowing that your online buds will be here to listen.

grumpy on 10/06/2008:
just read your last entry. sorry dear. but i have to say, this is messing with your sanity. you need to make a plan to move out. no friends living in houses with a room to spare? dorm? you're so smart, come up with a plan! xo

grumpy on 10/06/2008:
oh and i think focussing on healthy for now is a great plan. xo

loveray on 10/06/2008:
you did GREAT today! so healthy, so timed out and focused. i bet you had a positive day even after such a bad night. hang in there my friend! xo

lafemme_loca on 10/07/2008:
*hugs* I so know what you mean about parents... I am so so so sorry that you have to be going through this. When I was in my early 20s, i moved to Europe because 9 time zones away from my mother was perfect heaven. I hope you can find a way to find peace where you are or the ability to move out on your own for a bit. *hugs* If you ever need a vacation... I have a very comfy couch ! :-)

selina on 10/07/2008:
Concentrating on healthy eating is a great thing you can do right now. If you do one thing at a time, you'll get there. Never mind the bumps. So sorry about your family/housing situation... hang in there - you've got lots of good advice.

Horn_Of_Plenty - Sunday Oct 05, 2008
(count calories/exercise/relaxing thoughts!)
Weight: 135.0



i can hardly type this i am soooooooo pissed...........;.!! Q

i am so angry. you have no idea. my freakin parents think that i lie at every point that i can. i cannot deal i cannot deal i cannot deal.;asldd

my sister and i got earrings for our birthdays. i want to throw mine out. i literally put them in the garbage. however, i'm taking them out now and giving them straight back to my mother. i don't want ANYTHING from this woman. no gifts. every again. she is suuuuch a terrible person.

i am not looking back at this moment, but thank you to the person who said to me not to expect favors when i ask. i cannot believe i could have FORGOTTEN that my sister DOESN'T do favors for me. never has and never will! why am i so stupid as to think she would this time around! why!?!?? how could i forget that!? and how could it also slip my mind that my mom is a judgemental incredibly negative ...... you insert whatever terms sound good there. and my dad, he's good and all, but boy is he sadistic. to think that i would intentionally lie and clean up my room and then leave another room a mess. i would never be soooo incredibly deceitful. long story. i won't even go into it. but if a person always thinks the negative of every situation, that's just incredibly not helpful at home.

i cannot take it. my mom LOVES to get my dad angry with him. she hounds him. and i can't take it.

i wrote out a 300 dollar check and put it with the earrings i got for my bday on my mom's dresser. i cannot look at them. and they were sitting in my garbage 5 minutes ago. to me, they are worth NOTHING. there is nothing i want from a person who does not love me for me. i canoot take this anymore. i am stressed beyond belief. and to top it all off, with a little vanity, my face is all broken out. i was embarassed at today's funeral looking how i do. i am sooooooooooooo sad, so angry, so upset. i have a horrible mother who i do not love. she is tooo judgemental.

after the funeral she had to repeat and reiterate a thousdand times how this freshman in college who did most of the family's speaking at the funeral was " so vain" because he discussed his looks and how he wondered why he was so good looking - bc of his grandfather. to me it was almost funny because he's still so young so maybe that's what a guy his age thinks about. i don't know....but i can say that it was great that he did talk on his grandfather's behalf. not everyone is smart like you - mom - and can write an awesome speech. BUT, at least these people attended their parents funerals, unlike you, mom! that's right, mom. you don't even associate with ONE person from your side of the family. you are the loser. and nobody else. you are the one that shuns people out. you are the one that sets the example of not communitcating with me or anyone else. you are the one that doesn't give an ounce of your time when people ask it of you. you are that person. you are the one that should be critiqued and judged and made to feel like shi-. that person is you.

i feel like crap.

if i last till friday, that'll be amazing. i think i'll be a zombie at my friend's wedding on saturday if i keep going to sleep late this week. as if last week wasn't enough.

Progress as of today: -10 lbs lost so far, only 20 lbs to go!

anewhb on 10/06/2008:
HOP sorry for the family drama. There comes a time when it's just hard to live with parents - much less all the sibling dramas. Even when everybody DOES get along and love each other. What's up with the job in the hospital - what's bugging you about that? I didn't seem to pick up in your last three posts what was difficult about adjusting to hospital life - I only worked as a nurse aid when I was in HS so that's my only reference point to working in a hospital LOL please excuse my lack of understanding there. Can you come up with a plan - like save as much money as possible now and move out? Even if it's a very small apt or something with just the basics necessities? Would you be happy on your own? Personally, I was never so happy as when I first moved out of my parents house - even though I didn't have anything hardly at all - not even a sofa! I had a card table and 2 chairs, a cedar chest, a mattress and some sheets and towels, some kitchen stuff like pots, pans and dishes, silverware. It was great. No TV, either! Then I got a roommate and that wasn't so good, either. I did better on my own - sanity wise! I'm so sorry your family is not there for you. It kind of sounds like everyone has their own agenda around your house. I read in your post a few days ago where you said you were feeling "needy". That's a bad feeling. I hope things are better soon. Come back and post tonight so we can see how you are doing later. Take some deep breath and say - this too shall pass. It will, you know. Love, hollybelle

Donkey on 10/06/2008:
I don't think I could say it better than HB (see above). Everything she said, including wanting clarification on the job/school/hospital.

I just wanted to let you know that I read your post, feel your pain and want to send you all the support in the world. I'm so very sorry. I hope you are feeling better today...

We gotta get you outta that house!

Horn_Of_Plenty - Saturday Oct 04, 2008
(count calories/exercise/relaxing thoughts!)
Weight: 135.0

breakfast 1/2 banana w. pb: 240

snack/early lunch: kiwi, 2 eggs on slice wheat...and a banana 420 (banana wasn't necessary)

late snack: healthy stuff...500 approx.

dinner: package veggies, 1/4big avocado, 1/2 block tofu, red pepper approx. 420

dessert: greek yogurt with sf jelly and cinnamon. 120

total: 1700 pretty good.


Late saturday evening:

i'm really upset now.

i cannot stand living here right now especially tonight as my sister is sleeping over. i got a movie (at first for me) but then realized everyone was home so i mentioned that i rented a movie to my dad whenn i got home. and pretty much let my parents and sister do their thing because i had already eaten dinner. i didn't mention it again bc it seemed my parents were doing their own stuff after dinner.

i asked my sister to simply "test me" on some of my flashcards that i know well for a test next week and she said "no." i got really pissed because i didn't think she would actually deny me that favor.

my dad has explained to me that i am totally wrong and that i shouldn't expect people to always say yes when i ask a favor of them. so, i am in the wrong.

i thought that especially since i picked up the movie, my sister wouldn't have a problem going over the words with me. but she very much did.

and, even though i flat out told my dad i got a movie, he says i didn't tell my parents and i only do what i want to do when i want to do it.

i am fat, pissed off, and angry.

i want to know if you have advice for me on this. and if it is true that i should not expect favors of anyone even if i ask them. bc i may just not be seeing things the right way and if that's the case i need to know so that i don't make the same mistake again.

i am confused right now and annoyed. and i really don't want to watch a movie with people who tell me i am wrong.

and, lastly, my mom right away took the side of my sister. my sister ran down to my mom and once i stepped in the room, i was being told how irrational i am. I really do NOT appreciate the asshol- commentary that my mom gives me on a daily basis. i serisouly do not like how she treats me. i am sick of it. and now is one of those times when i hate living at home. i hate the temptations to be lazy, the extra unhealthy food, the annoying mother, and everything else.

if this entry sounds immature, i maybe so.

i really don't know anymore.

i have dealt with change for this will be my 5th year in a row and all these changes (especially getting used to working in the hospital) are driving me crazy. it is very hard for me to get acclimated with this xray job (although i realize it's NOT a hard job) and i am as frustrated about practically everything in my life as can be.

Progress as of today: -10 lbs lost so far, only 20 lbs to go!

skinnyjeans on 10/04/2008:
I hope you have a better day tomorrow!

selina on 10/05/2008:
Hi HOP! Thanks for your note in my entry. I am sorry to hear you are having a hard time with your sibling and feel that the whole family is ganging up on you. I feel that you shouldn't have to live this way, but I also feel that what you are going through is pretty normal. In a perfect world sisters would always be nice to you and help out when asked, and parents would always be fair, understanding and supportive of all our wishes and whims. As we all know, life is not perfect ... I'm glad that you get to vent your frustations in your diary. I hope you 'll have a better day tomorrow. And good job on the studying and knowing your flash cards well - you are a good student!

sleeepy on 10/05/2008:
I really need to read up on your entries. When I was starlight you were one of the ones I read on a regular basis. We both took A & P at the same time last semester, and I just read that you are now working in a hospital. I guess as far as advice on the family situation and you asking for help with things, I wouldnt be able to give you any advice because I dont know the tone of voice of how you ask, or if you ask her when she's busy, or even how you respond to her no answers. I definitely need to catch up on your entries. You know what my boyfriend flat out refused to do for me the other day? Ok, he's a smoker so I wanted to practice listening to his lungs through my stethoscope. I put it up to his chest and asked him to take deep breaths and he just kept saying "no" wtf? was that really a difficult favor to ask? that really irritated me. He wouldnt help me out either when I was in my CNA program. I wanted to practice transfering dead weight from a bed to a chair and he wouldnt let me. I mean, the boy was doing nothing but watching tv. Anyway, sorry, I kind of made this comment about me. I'm going to catch up on your entries and comment more later.

sleeepy on 10/05/2008:
by the way, how did you end up doing in your anatomy and phys class?

loveray on 10/05/2008:
i know how frustrating it can be to have expectations of others: most of the time when we do have these expectations, we are (most unfortunately) let down. i know it seems counter-intuitive, but this subject requires only something you can do which is to dig-deep and love yourself: get to know what is actually going on for HOP. when you do have these issues come up, try to let these people know lovingly how much these gestures would mean to you: if they deny you, you must let go lovingly as well. it's so hard, but in the end this comes down to self-love, self-care and self-respect. i wish you all the luck and happiness in the world. xoxo

Donkey on 10/05/2008:
First I want to say that I am so impressed that you are strong enough to question whether you are truly irrational or if there is another perspective on this. You see, if this had happened to me, I would have just accepted that I was the wrong one, I was irrational, I was (insert negative adjective) here. Because that is the doormat that my family thinks that I am.

I have to say, right or wrong, rational or otherwise, I have learned from similar experiences and reactions NOT to expect ANYTHING supportive from family members. It just leads to hurt and disappointment on my part, which is only toxic to my state of well-being.

So I'm NOT commenting on your reaction, because I do not know how pissed off you were, what was said, etc. But I would rather comment and say that you were probably in the wrong in EXPECTING anything positive from your sister. She seems, from what I gather from past entries, to be the oil to your water. So why should this time be any different? Right?

I want to encourage you to reach within yourself to find some inner strength. You are in or at an incredibly stressful time in your life: new direction in life, new classes, different type of work, toxic home environment, not optimal physical health. Bingeing will not serve you well to build up your health (both mental and physical), so I want to encourage you to FIGHT to stay away from that kind of behavior.

I would encourage you to find some kind of sanctuary, whether it be your room or a cafe or a place outside (although not good for night or cold weather), where you can go and feel safe, on your own, relaxed, decompressed, etc. A haven. You may not have your own place to live right now (which I still feel would be the ideal situation for you), but you can have your own *space* where you can go when all this toxic stuff in your life hits you in the face!

WI3 on 10/05/2008:
I echo what Donkey said. Don't expect anything from anyone but yourself. And stop trying to make things 'right' in your home relationships. I know you love your family, I love mine as well. And I got caught in this cycle with MY sister of me trying to get her to like me and do things with me..and despite my best efforts, she was downright rude, pushy and hateful towards me. I don't think she did it on purpose, I honestly think there is something inside some people where if they feel you feel they are 'better' than you or somehow they belong in the family more, that they tend to pounce on the one that seeks their approval. So, one day when my sister was ranting and raving at me on the phone, I hung up. I didn't get all wild and crazy, I did something different and just walked away from her. I didn't talk to her for months. It wasn't because I was trying to teach her a lesson or anything..it was that I reached a point in my life where I realized that I don't have to take that kind of treatment, NO MATTER WHO is dishing it out. I realize that it is even more difficult for you because these are the people you live with..but there is a way to assert your independance without just shutting people out. Talk to your parents and see if you can pay a little something towards rent or bills. Yes, I know you are struggling financially, but if you were out on your own you would REALLY be struggling And your parents might be well off, but that still isn't any reason not to contribute. Even if they say you don't have to, I would anyway. Even if it is $20 a month or something. SOMETHING is better than noting and it shows that you are not only taking charge of your personal life, but you are strong enough to want to contribute as an adult. If that isn't something they want from you, if it offends them....find ways to do other things that are singular (not doing the house cleaning or typical chores) and unique to you. As much as I HATE being the only person who cleans the bathroom at my house because my brother is a lazy slob...if I don't clean it, it doesn't get clean. And yeah, I reserve the right to be royally pissed at him..but in the end I clean it because I ENJOY having a clean bathroom.

Maybe at the beginning of the week ask your family if you can bring home a movie and some popcorn and have a family movie night. Tell them that because it is your weekend, that you would like to schedule some time with them to reconnect. That way YOUR time is defined as YOUR time. Say that you would like to take a break from studying or work or whatever...not just "Hey, I'll pick up a movie on Friday" simply because you all live in the same house. Despite the fact that you all do live together, that doesn't mean that you can't have your own identity. Sometimes though, you have to help define that identity by establishing parameters of your time.

And yes, you CAN ignore your sister. She obviously doesn't think she needs you around..so ignore her. Say "Hi" or "bye" or whatever, but don't seek her out. Not because you aren't punishing her..but because YOU don't deserve to be treated the way she treats you. Let HER come to YOU if she wants to establish time together. Be mysterious with your time, be polite, be helpful, do the things that you need to do at home..but don't hang on them or expect them to accept you. The best way to get others to accept you is for you to accept yourself.

And by all means, GET PISSED OFF!!! There is nothing wrong with being angry and letting it out. It is better than eating that anger any day. Hang in there!

grumpy on 10/05/2008:
Hey girl, Sorry for all the family drama. My advice is that it's pretty 'darn' (as Palin would say) difficult living with family and getting along. I get along with my family much much better ever since I got out of their house. So if you think there's no way you can do that while in school, try to do your own thing. avoid conflict, i don't know. hard to tell when i don't know much what goes on between you guys. it does sound like you're right and they're talking nonsense. but maybe also there's something you are doing that you can make better to get along better, i dont know. you have to think about it and analyze. how old is your sister?

I agree that it's good not to expect a lot from others, but i like having faith in people and expect favors and understanding from them. but of course you have to deserve it too (which does seem to me you do). xoxox

Horn_Of_Plenty - Friday Oct 03, 2008
(count calories/exercise/relaxing thoughts!)
Weight: 135.0

around 3500 today.

so i have a funeral to go to tomorrow which means no yoga. and i've chosen not to go to yoga today. I need to study now because i don't want to do it tomorrow, last minute. i'll probably walk before noon - maybe. otherwise, i'll go to grandma and walk with her and go to the gym tonight. no clothes for temple. not buying any. last time i bought them, i returned them after my grandfather's funeral bc there eneded up being damage to the shirt and the store actually took it back. oh well. whatever.

this funeral is for a parent of one of my mom's friends. my mom is in her 50s and all of the parents of my mom's friends are very old.

breakfast: good. challah, banana, pb: 550

snack/too much: chocolate chip pound cake and peach: 700

11:45 lunch: more cake 600

lunch again with family: huge bagel and whitefish spread: 600

total so far: 2450.

dinner: i should stick with salad and tofu.

movie tonight.

i recently watch a good movie: one hour photo with robin williams.


Friday evening:

i am scared about this new field i am in. i know i am VERY capable and that i really shouldn't worry. it's hard not having money. but all of this will eventually settle out. but this sucks right now, especially not being able to move out and become an adult. i feel very needy because of this and life is a bit confusing. tomorrow is another new day and all i can do is look on the positive. no yoga bc that will just frustrate me so i'll either walk a long walk or go to the gym. i have a wedding next week...haha, i thought i would look great. now my goal is to look good (and care about my body and health) and have it show come mid december. i know weight loss isn't the cure for my emotions but if i start caring it'll help with everything else going on in my life. time to care a bit more, again, another attempt. hopefully a better one. i forget what my stomach looks like UNBLOATED as it's been this way for over two weeks...


before leaving work calories: 1100

DD egg white flatbread: 300

mcdonald's med fries:400

taco bell crunchwrap: 600

DD oatmeal cookie: 500

pound cakes, chocolate, pretzels, challah bread: not a clue, but a lot! 1,600 at least

4500-5000 calories depending.

3 mi walk.

Progress as of today: -10 lbs lost so far, only 20 lbs to go!

grumpy on 10/04/2008:
hey girl, i wish i was eating that healthy, what happens is that when the night comes, i overeat and i drink. i am about 4 pounds up. just waiting on this TOM to go away so i can weight in and go from there. i dont know.. i still think there's a way to go off and live by yourself, so many students do it. you just have to find a house that has a cheap room for rent or something... i wonder if that would make your binging better. i don't know, just something to think about. i care a LOT about you. I think you're a wonderful, smart, talented young girl and you deserve the best. xo :)

WI3 on 10/04/2008:
You are perfectly normal. And not alone. Found this link for you, relax and know that you are doing what is necessary right now..and as long as you keep moving forward, eventually you will be able to move on. Take care.


mcwoo40 on 10/04/2008:
Hiya,I'm in binge mode,feeling out of control again.What shall we do hey,tomorrow's another day,Julie

selina on 10/04/2008:
Hang in there, HOP! You can do it!

Horn_Of_Plenty - Thursday Oct 02, 2008
(count calories/exercise/relaxing thoughts!)
Weight: 135.0

i will still take a walk later tonight...

binged after work...dumb!!!

breakfast: 320 banana, pb, tofu,sandwich.

snack: pb sandwich 300

lunch: indian microwavable food, fruit: 510

snack(s): 2 ounces wheatgrass 20, gnu fiber bar130, peach50, cereal and milk300, cookies200: 700 ....

estimations on calories: 2 chocolate and mini m&m covered pretzels 400, nuts 200, challah (1/4 loaf)600, apple crisp 400, ravioli w. cheese310, banana110...2020 (hopefully not more as it definitely could have been more...)

ehh. 4,000 calories today. dumb and dumber. i forgot the pound cake: 4400

Progress as of today: -10 lbs lost so far, only 20 lbs to go!

skinnyjeans on 10/02/2008:
Don't feel dumb...you'll get back on track soon! :)

weightlossyoyo on 10/02/2008:
It happens don't worry over it and move on, if you worry you will make yourself feel worse and possiable do it again. Love yourself and just erase the binge from your brain.

Donkey on 10/03/2008:
I have seen pictures of Challah in the market flier that gets delivered in the junk mail every week --- oh it looks so good. I could totally understand consuming the whole thing. I'm such a carb addict it's not even funny!

I don't think it's "dumb" to binge. Obviously something's bothering you, stress, uncertainty, boredom, whatever it may be. please be kind to yourself. And patient. And forgiving.

balloonlady on 10/03/2008:
dont beat yourself up... all in moderation.. and you are aware of it.. you will do great...

greengirl on 10/03/2008:
You are being too hard on yourself. You are far from dumb :)

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