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Horn_Of_Plenty - Wednesday Oct 10, 2007

Weight: 123.0

exercise: 1 hr, 5 min.

total exercise: 13 hr, 10 min.

total calories are a whopping 4200. so, if i burned around 2,000 I still have 2200 leftover calories.

well, it ended up being a really BAD day caloriewise. It seems that since I haven't gained 30 pounds yet, I will just keep on forging ahead with my binges. This is all just very dumb.

my binge = 2100 calories. It included a full bag of chocolate and another bag of gummi candy (halloween stuff...) Now, i'll have to replace it!

Breakfast was a mix of cereal and peanut butter protein powder: 300

Snacked on Peanut Butter m&ms! 250

Lunch was a large salad of romaine and tofu with olive oil and oregano. followed by a bag of cheese-its. I almost started to buy another vending machine snack but realized that i'd had enough. 520

snack after school: 1/2 bag baby carrots, 1/2 block tofu, 2 cups of a bran cereal with 1 scoop of protein powder and some sugar free syrup. 660

Sandra aka Soul on 10/10/2007:
You have had a peanut buttery day today, lol. Your selection for lunch was good though.

Have a great evening.


Sandra aka Soul on 10/10/2007:
The jaw thing just lets me bite down and strengthens my jaw muscles, I don't break into a sweat or anything.


Patstime on 10/10/2007:
Thank you so much for your support! It helps so much to know that I am not alone!


Donkey on 10/10/2007:
Keep trying!


workingit2 on 10/10/2007:
Just a question...have you been tested for diabetes? Before my father was diagnosed, he was eating everything under the sun and having cravings for a very odd combination of foods. He also gained a tremendous amount of weight, and had mood swings. I am going to be tested for it within the next couple of weeks because I am worried I may have it which might explain my behavior as of late. Just a question. Take good care of yourself.


workingit2 on 10/11/2007:
They have fasting tests that are done at your doctor or blood clinic that the doctor sends you to. They have 4, 6 or 12 hour fasts and then you go and they take your blood, and then you drink some serious glucose drink and they take it again. You might be hypo/hyperglycemic or even anemic. I am going to tell the doctor everything today and see what he ends up sending me for testing for. It can't hurt to rule out a known medical reason before exploring the mental health reasons.


rae_regenbogen on 10/11/2007:
Maybe you shouldn't replace the Halloween candy until the morning of Halloween...lol. I know it always helps me to not eat a bunch of junk if I don't have it around. When I go to the cupboard and it's bare, I'm too lazy to make a trip to the store. Thanks for the comment! Good luck on keeping the weight off!



Horn_Of_Plenty - Tuesday Oct 09, 2007

Weight: 123.0

Wed morning edit: I woke up an hour early to drive to the high school to retake my tuberculosis test because last time too many days went by and the reading was no longer accurate. the nurse forgot i was coming and didn't tell me she'd be at a meeting in another town all morning!!!! LOL! Hopefully i'll be able to go at lunch. Otherwise, since you need to show results over a 48 hour period, I'll have to wait till next week! Hmmm. Maybe I'll get the shot tomorrow and be able to show it to another physician over the weekend. i really want to volunteer and cannot without the proper medical records!!!

======================================================

Tuesday entry:

total cal: 1990.

total exercise: 1 hr, 20 min.

total october: 12 hr, 5 min

I stuck to my food plan until lunch. haha. then, i added in a package of cheese-its from the vending machine. total calories were 1020 up till 3:30 when i got home from school.

After school: at first, i attempted a small snack which lead into a meal. The "meal" consisted of several servings of bread with protein powder and sugar free syrup on it. lol, like french toast almost! i also had a few tomatoes and tofu before eating the "french toast." calories for this stuff equals 750.

total calories so far: 1800. I'll have something later probably, in the evening. its 4:11 right now. (calories were not 1500 for the day as planned. honestly, my focus shouldn't be weight loss anyway.)

jon'smom on 10/09/2007:
Have a great night!


Donkey on 10/09/2007:
I thought about an idea for you this afternoon. How about having a consultation with a dietitian from your local hospital? Call and ask to make an appointment with a dietitian for nutritional counseling. The week before you go, write down everything you eat and how much of it, even the binges so s/he will have an idea of how you eat.

My thinking is that perhaps if you could eat more evenly throughout the day, you would not feel the need or desire to binge later in the day. And perhaps the dietitian could give suggestions of foods to add to certain meals to help you feel more "even". ?? Well, just an idea. It sounds like you had a pretty good day today though. Cheez-Its isn't so bad. We have a box of them here in the house and I reach for them from time to time. I did want to comment yesterday that peanut M&Ms are not the best snack to have in the mornings to sustain you until a late lunch. :-/

How do you like teaching, overall? How is the job going?


shadetree on 10/10/2007:
Donkey has a very good idea. While most insurances do not cover this type of consult (unless it is for a diagnosed medical condition that would need nutritional consult like diabetes), it usually isn't THAT expensive. I think our hospital charges $30 an hour. (Or it might be up to 40 now, I;m not sure.) But it is well worth it.


hollybelle on 10/10/2007:
Not such a bad day. Good for you. I REALLY liked your comment about "honestly my focus shouldn't be weight loss anyway". You know I relate to that because I get so obsessive about things.



Horn_Of_Plenty - Monday Oct 08, 2007

Weight: 123.0

I promise to make tomorrow a better day. The plan: to eat something tiny with caloric value over the course of the LONG morning until lunch at 1:55pm.

Waking up: the last sip of leftover kombucha (tea with a small amount of calories) and water (not with flavoring tomrrow because i NEED some detox!) (20)

The plan: breakfast = oatmeal + protein powder. (250)

Snack = pack of peanut m&m's spread over the course of the morning...what do you think?? To keep blood sugar up. Because not eating is not working. (250)

Lunch: tomatoes, lettuce, and tofu with olive oil. (300)

Snack: Sports drink during exercise...but I think that so much sugar will make me binge later possibly. Maybe some kind of energy bar throughout execise?? Maybe just carrots? ugh. I want to fix my habit of eating right after school. alright, i've decided: my pound bag of baby carrots could take me through my afternoons into dinner! :) I think I will try this for a week. Is eating a lb of carrots bad for a week straight?? (200)

Dinner: I would something healthy. Whenever i have a "poor" day like today, i always look foward to more veggies and healthy foods i've been missing. Right now, I'm thinking about another salad which WILL include: greens, red pepper, avocado, beans, and maybe even green beans. There WILL be dressing. I'll use a spray balsamic vinegrette. (450?)

total: 1470?

The orientation was good. I just let my emotions overwhelm me! so stupid!

Good day yesterday. Poor day today.

breakfast was ok: 600 calories.

I binged when I get home around 2pm from the orientation.

Total calories: 5800. What does that mean? It means I need to try harder and not let me feelings and insecurities get me down.

calories changed. 6100 to be more exact. exercise: 1 hr, 45 min :)

total oct: 10 hrs, 45 min :)

mcwoo40 on 10/08/2007:
Hi,hope you have a good day today.I too am an emotional eater, we must try harder not to let are insecurities get us down.Julie


Donkey on 10/08/2007:
Were you overwhelmed by the orientation? Or discouraged? I tend to get these great ideas in my head about what I want to do with my life, but then I start talking myself out of my ideas with doubts. Then I get discouraged and give up, all without pursuing any of it.


workingit2 on 10/08/2007:
You know what, I am going to do what Donkey suggested to McWoo and try to meet my calorie, water and fitness goals for three days in a row. As well as my other goals I have. I think I will start it tomorrow as the weather will finally be cool enough to actually go running outside again lol. ((((((((HOP)))))))))


hollybelle on 10/09/2007:
Just checking in with you. You had one successful day - yesterday. Was there a difference about yesterday? Hang in there. I think I will go on the 3 day challenge WI2 is talking about, too.......get out and have some fun.



Horn_Of_Plenty - Sunday Oct 07, 2007

Weight: 123.0

I read about something really cool today that measures almost exactly the calories we burn each day. It's called Body Bug and you wear it on your arm. It's REALLY pricey. No, I'm not buying it. But, it is sooo interesting! :)

Breakfast on Monday: 600 cal. 3 servings whole grain pita chips, protein scoop, 1/2 kelp noodles baked with olive oil and cinnamon/sweet and low on top. Yeah, strange breakfast indeed. I'm happy to report not going back for any other food afterwards! :)

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Hey!

So today was a very good day for me.

I walked about 8 miles or so. Most of it (about 7) was done all at once with a few quick sitting breaks inbetween! There's a really lovely "Greenway" or walking strip adjacent to a major roadway in Queens, NY. It's beautiful because the other side is a Marina with lots of boats and beautiful scenery/nature. I walked there both back and forth. It equals about 5 miles. Then, i also took the footbridge that crosses over the expressway into another whole park which leads into a community and other fields. It's really beautiful.

The only part of the park I didn't really do any walking in at all was the wooded area. I don't know how safe it is to be surrounded by tons of trees and bushes in an area I'm not familiar with. I wouldn't want to become another statistic. I have a few other safe areas left to explore. When i'm done, there's at least one other park I plan on going to before the weather really changes over. BTW, today was like summer again! 80s in October!

Later, I went to the bookstore for a bit and afterwards decided it was still to early to go home. I also decided I still have more energy to spare and I did a bit more walking at a park only 15 minutes from home. I walked for about a half hour there.

I'm assuming total mileage today to be 8 miles. That's an honest estimate.

Total exercise today: 2 hrs, 40 min (actually it's much more, but I cannot account for sitting or really slow walking!).

Total October exercise: 9 hours! yes yes yes!

Tomorrow I have off from work. The plan is to go to the orientation for the hospital I'm going to volunteer at one day per week. After that, it's up in the air. I'll be going to the grocery store to pick up a few things since i didn't today. I plan on some good exercise of course. The plan is to take my bike to the park. I need to lay off the walking a little or my ankle is going to get weak again.

An update, my ankle is doing well these days. The exercises to strengthen the ligaments around it are working! :)

Foods today:

The "oatmeal cake" as described in saturday's entry. 500 cal

1 bag mini carrots and a coffee. 300 cal

lots of water and diet drinks (I'm not planning on laying off those).

1/2 bag kelp noodles 10 cal

Dinner with family, dad's bday:

salad 30 cal

seasoned and baked potatoes with olive oil on them. very good. one of mom's usually well made dishes. 250 cal

meat seasoned with rosemary and other really good spices, baked in the rotiseree. Awesome. I haven't had meat in awhile and it's good and healthy for the body. 300 cal

olive oil and seasoned with salt/pepper asparagus baked in oven - similiarly made to the potatoes. This asparagus is another favorite food in this house, especially by my sister. 150 cal.

dinner: packet of flavored coffee. packet of some kind of cappuccino mix. around 200 cal.

I looked at the cherry pie and couldn't stomach it. The thought of wrecking a good calorie day wasn't going to happen. I worked so hard today at the park and couldn't bear to eat something that looked too rich to have only one bite. LOL.

I'm guesstimating calories to be between 1800-1900. i hope i'm not too off. This was a better calorie day than i've been having in awhile. Pretty balanced nutritionally. I like the idea of a substantial breakfast, few but healthy snacking throughout the day followed by a good dinner.

workingit2 on 10/07/2007:
I am so happy for you that you had a good day! The walk sounds heavenly!


Donkey on 10/08/2007:
What a GREAT day you had!!! WTG! love it!!! Calories were in a good range and the exercise was great - if not a lot! (That's a lot of walking!)

I've heard about the Body Bug too. They are using that on Biggest Loser, if you notice the contests wearing grey straps on their arms. Not only is the contraption expensive, but then you have to pay for a subscription to the service or something. At least that was what I gathered from the message boards at nbc.com. So it ain't cheap. I'd rather get a pedometer and just see how many miles I move, and calculate it from there.



Horn_Of_Plenty - Saturday Oct 06, 2007

Weight: 123.0

SUNDAY AM edit: today I made sure to have breakfast and I ate exactly what i wanted. I had oatmeal with chocolate protein powder, egg whites, sugar free syrup, and peanut butter all mixed in. It was quite good. I didn't add a lot of water. It turns into a cake like treat and it's high in fiver, protein, good carbs, with a little fat. I also had two fish oil tablets. my skin has been a little dry...and i know increasing the oils helps. I had them in my house.

calories for Breakfast are 500.

Today is my dad's birthday and there's fruit pie. I guess i should have some, why not? we'll see. Parents are making dinner.

================================================

had a scoop of protein blended into ice to make an "ice cream"

calories i think are around 2200

taco bell at 2pm steak chalupa, nachos and cheese, caramel apple empanada, cinnamon twists.

pizza at 4pm- assorted stuff (the leftovers were sitting on my kitchen countertop when i got home. I took them to my room and ate everything that my family left over.)

3 plum tomatoes and grapes after the pizza.

exercise: 2 hrs.(1 hr walking, 1 hr elliptical at separate times during the day.)

basically, because life is so rocky right now (even though i'm probably in a much better situation than half the people in the United States!) it becomes really easy for me to make poor health choices and not care about myself the way I should.

I guess I should remember that I AM worth it...and that I do have the potential to be and look the best I can.

Once again, I need to write that I am not a garbage dump.

thanks everyone.

Sandra aka Soul on 10/06/2007:
I'm the same way or used to be, I was not satisfied unless I ate bulky food. I think that three weeks into the raw thing my body adjusted and it is now full on a very small amount. Same is true the other way round, if I started to eat more and more my body would want more and more.

You are not a garbage dump, just a highly maintained food processing plant....that is probably the politically correct way of saying it.


hollybelle on 10/06/2007:
OK, now - That's the spirit! I read some of your comments on mine and others since last post and I wanted to follow up to say - Firt - glad you do have insurance - not sure how that rumor started, but it was well intended. 2. I am not giving up on you either - just wanted to help if I could. Hang in there. Better days are coming! I know it!


shadetree on 10/07/2007:
HOP, looks like you're getting back on track. That's good to hear.

To answer your question, I don't think I would ever buy an elliptical online without first seeing that particular model in person, trying it out etc. All of my online travels thus far have been information gathering for the most part. That way I can see what is out there, what to look for, who has what, who has better prices in a conventional store, consumer reviews...For example, I was able to narrow my search to one sporting goods store (with two as back ups in case the first doesn't have a decent variety in stock) so that way I don't have to spend hours driving all over the city. I can look at the models, try them out, get a feel for what it is that I want, then I can take that info and do another search to find the bet price. I guess I do this as I used to be in sales, and while I never resorted to high pressure tactics, I know how bad it can get. This way I'm not as easily swayed. (I did the same thing when I was looking for a new car - did all my research, decided on three models to test, figured out which I liked best, then went back and had them special order my vehicle with the options I wanted and not all the other ones that I didn't need but they wanted to charge me for because the vehicle was sitting on their lot. Worked great, although I had to wait four months to take delivery on my car, but I am thoroughly satisfied with it.)

Anyway, have a good day. A small piece of pie won't be bad, just try to keep everything else in check:)


mcwoo40 on 10/07/2007:
HI,sounds a healthy breakfast to me so enjoy your slice of pie with a small amount of ice-cream yum,yum.


Donkey on 10/07/2007:
ou are strong, HOP. It's not so much how much is eaten but rather that it is eaten in a frenzy. I myself would rather eat a lot (and man, I can EAT) and enjoy and be calm, than to scarf down 1200 calories for the day. Perhaps your body is telling you that it needs to be at a slightly higher weight. Weighing 120 isn't the end of the world, and maybe wouldn't be such a bad idea to consider. Well, you know your body best, so you will do what's right for you!

PS One way to drastically cut down on the calories in pie is to not eat the upper crust. Just an FYI. Eat it if you want and enjoy!



Horn_Of_Plenty - Friday Oct 05, 2007

Weight: 0.0

3500 cal.

exercise: 55 min.

total exercise: 4 hrs, 20 min :)

wanna know something really scary? my average calories for the past 30 days = 3237 per day.

those calories indicate an approximate 10 lb gain in 30 days.

Donkey on 10/05/2007:
I am sorry but I have to agree with what others have said. I think you need to step back from thinking about weight-loss right now and concentrate on the bingeing. If you can't stop it on your own, you will need to consider getting outside help. Think serious about this. This is not something to take very lightly.


workingit2 on 10/06/2007:
I know you don't have health insurance right now which might be the biggest reason that you haven't looked for professional help and have been trying to deal with this on your own. I know how that is. From my experience yesterday I also know how it is to eat a little bit of food, but still be way over on calories. So those of us who think we are in control with portions but not counting calories may be surprised. Based on your diary entries for the past couple months, it is also obvious that you do not feel in control of your environment or job situation, which I can also sympathize with...and you've been turning to food to fill some hole inside of yourself, which I can TOTALLY sympathize with. I think we all can.

And what Biscotti said makes perfect sense. Your BMI is still healthy, but you do have to ask yourself some critical questions.

I found a couple of websites that might help, since I know you can't afford a doc or anything. I'm pulling for you!!

http://www.selfhelpmagazine.com/articles/eating/guide/index.html

That is specific to binge eating disorder...this is a link to the main page of the eating disorders.

http://www.selfhelpmagazine.com/articles/eating/index.html

I'm in your corner!


workingit2 on 10/06/2007:
I found this to be very interesting and helpful, for me.

http://www.selfhelpmagazine.com/articles/eating/other/basics.html


workingit2 on 10/06/2007:
This was really, really cool. I am going to take some tips from this as well!

http://www.selfhelpmagazine.com/articles/eating/earlyrecovery.html


Donkey on 10/06/2007:
You can find low cost help on a sliding scale from www.anad.org. Even if you had health insurance, I'd be really careful about seeking help through the insurance. Blacklisting, pre-exiting conditions, etc. I mean, unless you need inpatient services, which hopefully you are not at that point yet.

Instead of spending money on food for binges, you could be putting that towards getting some help.


hollybelle on 10/06/2007:
HOP - What the others said is correct - your weight is not so much of a problem yet, but the binging will be if you don't get control back. Many times insurance doesn't pay for servcies for eating disorders anyway (I have worked in the medical insurance industry for 25+ years). Sometimes they do. There are some resources in some communities to help for free or very little $$. One is comprehensive care centers - they charge on a sliding fee basis-sometimes very little $$. The other is Over-Eaters Annonymous (like AA but for eaters instead of drinkers). The later can be VERY good, but you must be prepared - most of the people there will probably be much heavier than you and you may find that the others will be surprised that you are there - but don't worry - binge-eaters come in all sizes. I had a friend (older male friend)who had alot of success at OEA. Some churches have support groups for eating disordered people. There is ALOT of support in these types of groups as they are filled with people who have been where you are and can help you understand yourself better-check out some of the larger - more "progressive" churches in your area. Don't be afraid to ask. It is scary to comtemplate any new experience-especially one this personal.....I know....but you have to decide if you are to the point where you want help AND are willing to do what it takes to get it for yourself. I know you don't want to continue this eating behavior, but realize you may not be able to stop on your own. And I am here to tell you there is NO shame in that - go look for resources and let us know what you find. If you want to email me privately, to talk about insurance, or anything else, my email address is: hollybelle1024@yahoo.com


legcramps on 10/06/2007:
That calorie average IS pretty scary. I would feel physically awful if I took in that many calories each day and i'm not anywhere close to weighing what you weigh - how are you feeling? I hope you find a solution to this bingeing pattern.

So what do you do for exercise?



Horn_Of_Plenty - Thursday Oct 04, 2007

Weight: 0.0

I weighed myself after not doing so for around 2 weeks at least. I looked at the unexpected scary number: over 120 lbs. The last time I weight this much was waaaay back 5 years ago. I do believe I still know what to do to loose the weight.

workin at it...

walking to get my car and the train station and then heading over to the gym. by for now :)

exercise: i did 1 hr, 25 min :)

total oct exercise = 3 hrs, 25 min.

1200.

Donkey on 10/04/2007:
Well, you can't tell me that you're surprised, can you? I mean, this is what bingeing does to a body.

Now don't go and think that the solution to this (i.e. losing your added weight) is to FAST or to CLEANSE, because IT"S NOT!!!

Tomorrow, I want you to have a good, solid breakfast, a healthy lunch and a light to regular dinner. Eat every 2-3 hours. Your snacks should consist of protein and fiber.

STAY AWAY FROM THE PEANUT BUTTER!!!! (it's only temporary)


workingit2 on 10/04/2007:
I congratulate you for getting on the scale and for facing the number. Now you just have to do what you know you need to do and I know you will! (((((HOP)))))


simmy on 10/05/2007:
Sorry but I think you should stop. Then take a deep breath and then think of the reasons you want to loose weight, if the reasons are better then why you should just carry on as you are then go for it.

Remember there is always tomorrow, but we have only so many tomorrows.

Hope that made sense.

Keep your chin up :-)


legcramps on 10/05/2007:
You're so much braver than I am. I can't bring myself to step on the scale 'cause I know i'm not where I used to be. I mean, I only have to look in the mirror to know it.

Congrats and good luck to you! Have a great weekend.



Horn_Of_Plenty - Wednesday Oct 03, 2007

Weight: 0.0

exercise: 65 min.

edit: binged after school.

after the soup...instead of having dinner later at subway, i had:

2 servings tam tam whole grain crackers: 240

entire pint of cottage cheese: 480

chocolate pudding: 120

egg crackers: 175

peanut butter: 300

small binge = 1315 calories + rest of day = 2770 calories. well, i'm actually fine with it. (don't ask!)

Breakfast: oatmeal with one scoop of chocolate protein powder and one egg in it...as well as some maple syrup on top. this dish was like an oatmeal pudding/soft cake. 300

snack 1: 1/2 pb sandwich 200

snack 2: 1/2 pb sandwich 200, packet of juice mix - 20

lunch: black beans and lettuce with olive oil 380?

snack 3: tortilla soup with kelp noodles and a plum. 340

snack 4: whole grain tam tam crackers. this turned into a small binge.

exercise: exercising at the university. update to come.

Sandra aka Soul on 10/03/2007:
What are tam tam crackers?


Donkey on 10/03/2007:
Well, I was about to congratulate you for a good day. I guess not! Keep trying!!!


workingit2 on 10/04/2007:
It looks like you were craving the creamy texture foods and the crunchy to balance it. Sometimes I feel that way where I want mac&cheese, grilled cheese, and chips. Something about the smooth and crunchy together that soothes my mind. I wish I knew what it was. Maybe we can figure it out together? ((((((((Hug))))))))))



Horn_Of_Plenty - Tuesday Oct 02, 2007

Weight: 0.0

today's exercise = 1hr :)

thanks for the continued support in times of need! :) I'm feeling better! :)

today was a good day. i'm just soooo tired today! I actually came home and layed down for a bit after work. going out to exercise soon! :) I will also do some reading! I keep saying that, but it never gets done! haha. and i enjoy reading, once i get into it.

I was so disgusted by the somewhat dirty carpet in my room that i ended up vacuuming it this morning! haha...before work! :)

today was good...tomorrow will be even better! I have really exciting goals ahead for these 3 months. I plan to update with my success.

basically, the reason i have some good days and some not must be because any change in schedule and uncertainty causes me to sometimes fall back on food. food is sometimes treated as my comfort and that i believe is why i have some good days and some bad. however, these next three months, i'm sticking to my plan (unless i find it doesn't work!). I plan to update with fitness and weight loss success! :)

Donkey on 10/02/2007:
OMGosh, HOP! That last paragraph you wrote, about the changes and uncertainty -- that is EXACTLY how I was feeling yesterday. I had an errand to run and I opted not to do it (see my entry for today), and I felt like a nervous wreck because what I wanted done didn't get done! Honey, I feel your pain!!!


GG on 10/03/2007:
I hate having tired days but sadly they are pretty much every day of my life! But I just try to think postively, take my vitamins and....drink caffiene! haha! What stinks is when I feel like I want to take a nap (and have time for one) but I already drank my caffiene so.....when I lay down, I CANNOT SLEEP! ugh, how annoying! It is almost better to just not try and sleep! Why are you sticking to the plan the next 3 months? Why not the rest of your life?



Horn_Of_Plenty - Monday Oct 01, 2007

Weight: 0.0

did horribly today. ate great in the AM and lunch too. binged when i got home. 4800 calories.

exercise will be at least one hour.

i'm dying dying dying...going deeper, deeper, deeper. not sure what to do!

i cannot seem to eat ordinarily anymore. it's so difficult lately. don't know what to do.

it will HAVE to be mind over matter for me. there's just simply no other way.

You know, i think in some ways i can prove stronger than most people. and that's it - I will have to prove to myself and others this fact just one more time! :)

Donkey on 10/01/2007:
You clearly do not binge every day. What makes some days "successful" and others not? Think about that.

Do you think exercising sets you up for bingeing?

If it's any consolation --- and I say this to give you HOPE not to discourage you --- I had some pretty serious food issues when I was in college. I was not able to conquer them until after I moved AWAY from my mother. When I was on my own, and I had to pay for my own food and stay within my budget, the bingeing went away (for the most part).

You CAN conquer this. It will be hard. You may not be able to do it alone.


workingit2 on 10/01/2007:
I sure do know that feeling, and it comes for me when I am having depression issues. Sometimes it seems I am fighting so hard to control one aspect of my life that the others suffer. It isn't easy for any of us to find that balance where we can accept that we can't have total control over everything and that we have to have that balance in our lives, even if it means that EVERYTHING can't be perfect. I have always tried to be the perfect daughter, employee, boss, mother, girlfriend, wife, etc. and it still bugs me to this day that I can't be perfect because I want so badly to make everyone happy around me so that I can feel that I am worth loving. It is never a 'food' issue with me..but food is what i use to console myself and to pretend that I am making a controlled decision. Even though I know it is an out of control behavior on my part, I lie to myself and say "I wanted to do that" even while I am telling folks that I hate myself for doing it. If anything, for me, it isn't so much a food addiction as it is a self-harm mechanism much like cutting is for some people. I am not saying this is anything you are experiencing, just wanted to share my deep, dark secret about my relationship with food.

Even now I am fighting my desire to eat and eat because of my seperation anxiety of feeling closer to Brian, and believing that he is going to go away.

The things in our hearts and minds are very real and we seek to figure them out and tame them by many different means. Just as some people exercise too much, others spend too much money, and some drink...sometimes I eat too much. And despite all the support and encouragement, for me, having a problem with food is a very lonely and very scary thing. Being obese, coming from that world, still being overweight and capable of going right back to obesity, that is fear. The desire to escape reality and tell myself that I wanted to overeat is very real.

Sorry to ramble on, just wanted to let you know that even if what we do it for is for different reasons, you aren't alone. I am struggling with my baby steps, but I know I have to keep fighting because I have to get control.

I am curious, you mentioned that you have to prove stronger to other people? Who are those people you have to prove yourself to? Are you trying to prove it to them to send them a message that they can't hurt you or derail your life? Are you trying to be better than your sister, maybe? I know there is some tension between the two of you and that she gets on your last nerve. I struggled with trying to be better than my sister for years, or to be as good as her. We still have our issues. But finally I was able to tell myself that I don't really care what she does with her life because worrying about her life only means that I am taking away time to LIVE mine.

((((((((HOP)))))))))))))

And PS..the guy playing catch with himself...funny!


mcwoo40 on 10/02/2007:
Hi,I am in no postion to give any advice with my record,although you are binging at least you are exercising and not putting not too much weight on.I am very stressed with kids and animals and husband!!I'm binging and not exercising=FAT.Although today i will give myself some credit I have been very good but the day is not over!!I hope you will get your head around this for a healthy mind and body,you know you have people here,who will give you there support,Take care,Julie


nerak on 10/02/2007:
We all have an occasional binge. Don't let it dictate to you or make you feel like you have blown it. Start fresh. Maybe you could exercise as soon as you get home - give you something else to do than eat. I know that is a hard time for me. Good luck today.



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