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Horn_Of_Plenty - Thursday Aug 30, 2007
(calorie counting, all foods, LOTS of veggies)
Weight: 0.0

15 min exercise. no meeting 50 hrs for august. but i did to a pretty darn good job anyway..

total aug exercise: 45 hrs, 40 min

i had a cup of juice/tea


Horn_Of_Plenty - Wednesday Aug 29, 2007
(calorie counting, all foods, LOTS of veggies)
Weight: 0.0

Thursday edit: so far so good. I plan on drinking a ton of water...or whatever i need...to get me through the morning. I have an interview at 12:15...then, i'll make sure i have water to drink after. then, i'll stop by the park later. I may possibly go buy another shirt for tomorrow's interview...not sure. I'd rather save the money...

============================================

total exercise: 45 hrs. 25 min Wednesday:

sooo...so far i've had nothing today...except plenty of water.

however, right now, 7:42pm, i can tell i'm experiencing withdrawal symptoms that have almost led me to cave in. I almost went downstairs to get a drink of something that wasn't water. If i did it, there would be food to follow!

i'm slightly nervous about thursday...i have a really short interview for a teaching assisant position...friday, i have another short interview in the school across the street from my house.

when i'm on an interview, there's the andrenaline going...so, that's what i figure will happen for these short interviews. LOL, i don't want to give in. I want to contnue this detox/fast regime until monday morning. 5 days! crazy, yes.

after that, my plan is to begin with a green vegetable drink...that i'll get from a nearby health store...to speak to the woman there...and then eat fruit/veg only on Monday. I'm so glad i have no major responsibilities this weekend. I do have to buy another shirt, possibly - i really don't want to spend anymore money - for friday's interviewsince i don't want to wear the same thing as thursday. yeah, i don't have a lot of "summer/spring/fall clothes" that are acceptable and fit well from last year!

Donkey on 08/29/2007:
Best of luck on the interview!!!!


harleygirl79 on 08/30/2007:
Will keep you in thoughts for your successful interview. Don't stress out and go in a direction you don't need to. Your doing great!


jon'smom on 08/30/2007:
Good luck to you! I'm sure these interviews will lead you to something that you are striving for!


greengirl on 08/30/2007:
I will keep my fingers crossed for you for the interview. Good luck :o)


Workingit2 on 08/30/2007:
Good luck with the fast AND the interviews!



Horn_Of_Plenty - Tuesday Aug 28, 2007
(calorie counting, all foods, LOTS of veggies)
Weight: 0.0

last update:

I am not practicing horn anymore...not for at least a few months. I'm totally 100% sick of it. Tomorrow, when i go to teach, it'll be my last time for this student and i'll recommend other teachers. saturday, i'll recommend other teachers for my second student. that's all i have now anyway. I'm soooo done. yuck. done. no more feeling angry about doing something i don't like that much. no more. finished. i'll make money somehow...this isn't the only way. i'll survive and i'll be successful...i don't care what people say. i will be.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

because of the "free" time i have...i find myself wanting to fast...to fast for a week. but i know it is "unhealthy" and that tomorrow morning i will tell myself i can't. but, yesterday's entry was a good one. if i keep reading it, i will eventually believe it!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

i just can't help myself!

calories today: 3850! like whoa...i'm going to be really sorry for this...i guess the fact that one pair of pants still fit me this morning made me think all this binging is ok!

this morning went well when i was observing the radiology department at the hospital. it's definitely for me...

Sandra aka Soul on 08/28/2007:
Hi,

I have continually sabotoged my weight loss efforts purposely, I did not admit this to myself until recently though. Like you I wanted to look hot, feel hot and all that goes with being thin. Each time I got close to that I gave up and went back to my old ways, it made me feel safer. If I succeeded in this then I will have to apply myself to other things. Not sure if this made sense. It was always more easy to keep doing what I had been doing and not excel, then people did not expect much of me. Not sure what changed from then to now but I am in it to win it !!


Donkey on 08/28/2007:
I'm glad observation went well for you!


greengirl on 08/29/2007:
Take care of yourself HoP :o)


geevee on 08/29/2007:
The fact that you're down to only one pair of pants that still fit means that bingeing is NOT okay, just like the increase in the amount of food that I eat is NOT okay.. My problem is not bingeing. It's the slow but insidious weight gain due to more calories than I need.

Yesterday I finally gave into the fact that I'm still not into the same thought process that enabled me to lose weight. I was down to ONLY one pair of well-worn shorts that I simply can't stand any more, so when I saw a sale at K-Mart, of all places! I figured it was a good place for "temporary" clothes. I found one pair of jeans shorts and a pair of long pants - size 9-10 whereas I had gotten down to 7-8. Ha ha! No more! And to think that I had gotten to the point of anticipating wearing a 5-6!!!

I haven't given up hope completely, but it looks like it's going to be a LONG time before I can even get back to 7-8.



Horn_Of_Plenty - Monday Aug 27, 2007
(calorie counting, all foods, LOTS of veggies)
Weight: 0.0

Monday:

i'll be observing at the hospital today, 8:30-11am...i know it'll go well...and i will update on this tomorrow! :)

edit: 4.5 miles am + 4 miles pm = 8.5 miles, 2 hrs, 50 min walking

total aug: 44 hrs, 55 min!!! yes! this is going well!

total cal: 3200

OMG! I binged again!!!! the weight is creeping on... i've had 3200 calories and its 10:15am...i need a life and a job!!!!!!!!!!!!

you know what's interesting...the calories each day don't matter anymore! meaning, if i want to look good, it doens't really matter how high...because any binge is going to prevent the outcome i'm looking for!

so, the more i binge, the longer i'll be waiting to look the way i want to. it's sure taking a long time for me to figure it out. why do i play this game with myself??? what is there to loose? meaning, why don't i just go for it..why don't i just throw away the binging and eat what i portion out for myself..and nothing more?

gosh, i could be looking so "hot" right now...why am i constantly preventing the outcome i so desire?? am i afraid? can i not visualize myself that way? why don't i just go for it? am i preventing it by writing these things down? can't I just see the end result and run towards it?

all this contemplating, this makes me want to get my act together and change careers just so i know the path that is ahead of me is a bright one. lately, i've heard more people tell me to stick with music...at first, it was the other way around...and people were rooting for me to change careers. it seems there are people on both sides of the spectrum.

however, it's important to note, the people that mostly are telling me to stick with it are people who live their life and jobs as their passion. one person was the guy i hung out with last night...he really is a musical genius...its his passion and life. He wouldn't be able to imagine doing anything else. i can. i felt awkward telling him about it, which makes sense, because its something he cannot fathom.

i applied for a teaching assistant job this year in the town i live in. it seems that there is still one position open. If i get it, it would be a steady job, other than subbing which prob wont start till october when teachers finally take days off!

i will definitely apply to volunteer in the hopsital, prob two days a week. that is something i'll talk to them about tomorrow! :) i will also ask when the entrance tests are and study materials, etc. i can't wait! yay!

WorkingIt2 on 08/27/2007:
I am on the end of the spectrum that says GO FOR IT! YAY! =0


ad_vitam on 08/27/2007:
Hi! It's a very good thing that you're contemplating about the phsychological reasons of your binges. You know binging is a kind of self-destruction and at this point in your life for whatever reason you might be experiencing some dislike to yourself, not being proud of accomplishments etc. (we all feel like that from time to time, it comes and goes) and unconsiously you want to destruct yourself. Being aware about this development is good. Obviously it's not only chemical disbalance in your body that makes you binge. You're right: positive changes in life will drive you out of this vicious cycle, make you like and be proud of yourself again. If you know a good psychologist (real good one) it might help to just have a chat with him about this binging thing, it may really help. Sorry if I've gone too far in the psychological aspect of your problem, I just wanted to give a hand: I'd been struggling with the same problem for a long while, back and forth, probably, too long untill I finally pulled myself off as a result of my own efforts because there was nobody to give me sound advice, which was my own fault - I was too embarrassed to confess to anyone in it.


monet0239 on 08/27/2007:
just wanted to check in and say hello :).. you'll get it.. I just KNOW it.. hugs


hollybelle on 08/28/2007:
You are on the right track with your reasoning. I think it is good that you are open to all options. But, I predict you WILL work in your chosen field - music. don't give up. My brother in law is a musician - it took him a while to get the job he wanted - he woked at that one for a few years and then changed around. He's still do it after all these years - about 20. He works in the school system in a medium sized town in Indiana. We are all rooting for you - no matter where life leads!


Soon2BThin on 08/28/2007:
I'm sure we all do that contemplating from time to time. Who knows the answers? All I can say is do it NOW! At 58, I feel like I've kind of wasted my whole life trying to lose weight, and if I do lose the weight now, I will still be old. Sometimes I feel like my life is over. Especially since I never had a career to fall back on. You hang in there. They say if you can imagine it, you can do it! And do it while you're young.



Horn_Of_Plenty - Sunday Aug 26, 2007
(calorie counting, all foods, LOTS of veggies)
Weight: 0.0

OMG! I binged again!!!! the weight is creeping on... i've had 3200 calories and its 10:15am...i need a life and a job!!!!!!!!!!!!

ok...i'm done averaging days and doing calculations...for now on, i'm living one day to the next. i know if i'm eating badly or not. i'll only add up calories each day...but no more averaging all the days together, etc.

this method hasn't helped me because i relied too much on the future to balance out the terrible eating i do in the present!

my goal of 50 exercise hours, that i didn't meet last month...i will definitely meet this month! that's pretty darn exciting. Now, if i could just get off my butt the rest of the day!

hi all.

Dinner was good...a grilled chicken salad with some kinda dressing in it as well as cheddar cheese and avacado. i didn't eat all the avacado or cheese. then, starbucks after (since i DON'T drink...) for a blended blueberry drink haha. then, we went back to the hotel he was staying at, hung out...and i'll let you save the rest for your imagination. yep. however, nothing too crazy. but there was some action. LOL. Actually, i wasn't expecting this...but didn't mind it either.

okay, so, i ate a moderate amount before going out...

so i think calories are: 2030

exercise today: 20 min bike in morning.

total aug: 42 hrs, 5 min

hollybelle on 08/27/2007:
Alright HOP! You sound like I woman who is ready to "take names and kick butt"! I laughed out loud at your "there was some action", "wasn't expecting this but didn't mind it either" comments! Some of life's best stuff is "unexpected" - just keep that in mind! Have a wonderful day!


Donkey on 08/27/2007:
Have you considered applying for a job at a hospital? I mean, you want to become a radiologist, why not get some hospital experience under your belt? It will look really good on your application and/or your resume. Who knows, you might even get the hospital to pay for your classes.

Even if you do not WANT to apply for hospital jobs, start calling a few up and ask to volunteer. Even one or 2 days a week. Again, it is something that you can put on a resume or application to school for radiology.

At least if you volunteer, it will add some purpose and some structure to your days. I mean, it'd be nicer to get paid for your time, but I think you need something NOW to provide structure and purpose. Really, I think it could pay off in the long run.

Think about it....



Horn_Of_Plenty - Saturday Aug 25, 2007
(calorie counting, all foods, LOTS of veggies)
Weight: 0.0

sunday update:

some good things: i'm going into NYC tonight to meet up with a friend...for dinner, which is always stressful, but hopefully there'll be great things on the menu. i told him it he could choose so i don't know where we're going!

also, breakfast was a dunkin donuts egg vegetable and cheese on a wheat bagel. It actually hit the spot, amazingly! i also had a plum before going out to get the dunkin donuts. calories so far: 520.

today, i'm going to spend time writing some application essays to the radiography schools, instead of procrastinating and binging like yesterday. I may practice the french horn...if i do, it'll be for an hour only. not sure if that's gonna happen. i also may ride my bike, i'm going to take a break from walking today...let my ankle get stronger...

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Saturday entries:

this is CRAZY!

bad binge at 4:30 pm...i was doing GREAT all day...lots of small meals...mostly on protein/snack bars. then, binge! chips, cookies, pb, nuts.

total cal: 4,100 exercise: 5 miles = 1 hr, 40 min plus some elliptical = 2 hrs, 25 min!

total aug:41 hrs, 45 min

ad_vitam on 08/25/2007:
Hi! Want to give you a hand in your fight w/ binges. I know how it feels...Don't give up. Also: if your shakes or bars contain sugar substitutes you can totally blame them for your cravings - it's a scientific fact that they prompt sugar cravings even more than real sugar. I would eliminate them altogether from your menu: if you read the listed ingredients you'd see 60% of chemicals-sound ingredients in the products like shakes and bars. Go for natural foods, they will balance sugar/glucose level in your body - right now you have your blood sugar disbalanced -sounds like it to me - that's what makes you binge - IMHO. Please, take care of this problem now - this kind of blood sugar flactuation can lead to diabetes.


Donkey on 08/25/2007:
That's pretty good advice you got from ad-vitam up there. I would guess that your blood sugars are all out of whack, and that's why you continue to go through this cycle. Did something happen today that led you to a binge? Or was it hunger that kind of got out of control? Oh dear, well, tomorrow is another day to do better.


WorkingIt2 on 08/26/2007:
Hey (((((HOP)))))) the folks above have given you some great information! I know that when I drink too much diet soda, I have problems with hunger ALL day. When I stopped drinking it, I found it was easier to stay on track. *sigh* our bodies love to test us, don't they? Hang in there sweetie!


mcwoo40 on 08/26/2007:
Hi,thanks for the advice.I think this is where i am going wrong with the diets being too strict with myself,why can't i learn everything in moderation.We'll see next time round,Julie


greengirl on 08/26/2007:
Hi HoP, relax and enjoy your dinner with a friend tonight. Hope you manage to find a way to control the binges, before they do too much damage to your weight. Perhaps you are being too strict with yourself. Cravings are a strange thing and difficult to cope with. Good luck with dealing with them :o)


GG on 08/26/2007:
Have a fun time tonight at dinner!! You know there are ALWAYS some healthy options on menus these days...even if there is like fish with potatoes, veggies & rice or whatever, you can always motify the side dishes, and remember to ask for sauces On the SIDE! And get things grilled, broiled, steamed or sauteed lightly in olive oil!!! No butter!!! hahaha! But I am sure you already know ALL of this!! How hot has it been over there these days?! I hear there is a nice heat wave going on?! But I also saw that it is going to be raining a lot...has it started?!


hollybelle on 08/26/2007:
Oh NYC - I love it! Have a great time. Also - interesting commente about binging to procrastinate. I do that, too!


sharklover on 08/26/2007:
thanks for the tip!! I've been enjoying reading recently, so maybe I'll try that, but then again, when I have the whole emotional eating issues, I might need to get up and get out so that it doesn't stay on my mind.

Hope you had a good time in NYC!

That sounds like quite a binge on saturday, but then again, that's an amazing amount of exercise (at least its amazing to me). Hope I can get there some day!



Horn_Of_Plenty - Friday Aug 24, 2007
(calorie counting, all foods, LOTS of veggies)
Weight: 0.0

you have no idea how much i appreciate the feedback i get from DD members on days like today, no idea! I thank you all for helping me through this trying time! :)

calories: 4780. yup.

exercise: 2 hr, 20 min...i told myself i had to get out there!

total for august: 39hrs, 20 min

MASSIVE, 2800 calorie binge breakfast.

oh...my...i just had a second slice of pizza...total calories so far are: 4200!!! the pizza was folowed by pastries and cookies...the parents recently went to a wedding...and the treats are here in the house.

4200 calores, 11:27am....feeling gross....

i saw there was a music job posted online...and it gave me soooo much stress that i ate like a maniac this morning. since it put me under such anxiety, i'm choosing to not apply... i will only apply...and it will probably be too late...after i observe on Tuesday for Radiography. and, i would only apply for the music job if for some strange reason i don't like the radiography program...but that would be practically impossible. I can almost promise you, and me, that I will LOVE the field of radiography and that I will be happy doing it. It just stinks that I haven't been accepted to the program and its not certain I will be. but, it is also really close to the start of school...and i cannot put myself under such stress...i really can't.

greengirl on 08/24/2007:
Take care HoP. All this stress wont be doing your body any favours. Try to keep calm, go with the meditation and yoga thing !!! Have a nice (and calm) weekend :O)


workingit2 on 08/24/2007:
Right now, I am VERY weak around treat type foods. I could binge in a heartbeat if the treats were in the house, so I feel your pain!


hollybelle on 08/24/2007:
OK - is there a way you can apply for the music job and NOT stress out? Do what you want to do but I say: consider that you could apply for the music job and not stress about it??? Or could feel the fear and do it anyway? For example - apply for that job AND go to the radiology observation, too. I understand what you are saying about feeling maniac that the job is even out there and I imagine feel you don't want to be disappointed again, but hedge your bet and apply anyway, then say "the heck with it - I applied - if I don't get it I have the radiology thing I'm working on - I don't need that other job anyway - their loss!" Just and idea - I know you will do what you think is best for YOU! I am glad you are exploring other occupations, too - there is more than one way around a job market, isn't there!


Donkey on 08/24/2007:
You know..... What you did this morning, in response to the job ad.... this is something that I would TOTALLY do. I have so been there, done that. You have my sympathies. Hey, listen, I read what you're saying, and I think it's totally OK not to apply for a job right away, especially if your heart is not in it. I think you have a great game plan. Go and observe and then put in your application if you still want to. Being a musician, you are probably an overachiever, but hey, sometimes you just gotta say to yourself "Nope, not gonna do it" and be OK with it. It is OK if you don't apply for the job. Really, it is. No need to binge over it either. I think you are too hard on yourself, really.

Come talk to Donkey before bingeing over something like applying for a job. Hugs!!!


Donkey on 08/24/2007:
Now go figure this one out: I was feeling pretty good about myself so I decided to look at some 2 yr programs that I could do as second career option. By the time I finished, I was so overwhelmed and frustrated that I felt like crap (about myself). So instead of having a healthy fiber bar, I decided to have a dish of chocolate ice cream. That will really solve all my problems now, won't it?


Soon2BThin on 08/24/2007:
Oh, well, everyone has a bad day once in awhile! Okay, I have a lot of them lately. Don't be too hard on yourself. Treats in the house is NOT FAIR! What are we to do? Have a good weekend!



Horn_Of_Plenty - Thursday Aug 23, 2007
(calorie counting, all foods, LOTS of veggies)
Weight: 0.0

today turned out good calorie and exercise wise. I've also been keeping in touch with all of my friends...and most are supportive of my decision...this makes me feel GREAT! :) I'm going on Tuesday morning to observe the Radiography program/radiography technicians at a hospital by me (only 10 minutes away!) from 8:30am till 11am. I NEED to give them a good impression. Although it's not an interview, it is their first impression of me...and i don't want it to be my last and final impression! no way!!! I'm soooo excited to be hopefully a candidate for this field and I really, really, really, want it to work out! I would be thrilled. To me, it is a complete second chance at life. Second chance and only other change. If it doesn't work out...I will have to look into teaching once again. I would apply to NYC schools and suck it up and hopefully get a job in sept 2008. but, my real goal right now is getting into radiography school in sept 2008. My fingers are crossed.

Nobody has called me about my MRI results..i'm calling in the morning.

I have to continue teaching French horn lessons...because i cannot fully close the music door since the radiography door is not yet fully opened... this is SO frustrating...as i intend to sell my horn if this new field works. LOL, i don't plan on selling right away...but it would no longer be a job or hobby for me. Once i leave...if i do...i leave forever. Maybe i would save my horn, not sure. I know i wouldn't be picking it up to play for awhile...i need a major break. starting tomorrow, i'm picking it up to practice again..since i have to teach a few lessons starting saturday morning. blah

i'm going out to dinner on sunday with a friend...i'll give more details on that to come.

total calories: 1860 total exercise today: 2 hrs, 10 min (walked 6.5 miles) Went out to walk twice today...i can't do it all at once...my ankle won't permit it because of pain and weakness!)

total aug exercise: 37 hours!!!! :)

workingit2 on 08/23/2007:
You must be typing your entry now....how very exciting that you are pursuing a new line of work! Keeping my fingers crossed for you!


workingit2 on 08/23/2007:
ok I just read your entry...I am SO excited for you! Looking forward to the story about the Sunday dinner! Take care!


jon'smom on 08/24/2007:
I hope everything works out for you. Good Luck!!



Horn_Of_Plenty - Wednesday Aug 22, 2007
(calorie counting, all foods, LOTS of veggies)
Weight: 0.0

Thursday edit:

so far, it was tea and a plum...i will have some kind of protein bar before i exercise at the park in a couple minutes. I'm also going to bring a book to read there. One of the faculty members at the radiography schools called me and asked for me to call her back. All the other schools don't necessarily want to be bothered until their application process officially begins. I had told her i was interested in observing...so it may be about that. i called another school witht he same question...and they said i'd have to pass the entrance exam..even to just observe! I hope that this school...the one that has reached out to me...offers the same quality program in comparison with the others...it should.... more updates to come....

------------------------------------------------------------

Wednesday:

i totally feel the need to look great...to look great! I kept thinking that while exercising today! :)

didn't hear about the ankle MRI results, yet. probably tomorrow. hopefully!

calories: 1950...binge in afternoon though.

exercise: 2 hr, 20 min (walking, elliptical, bike)

total aug: 34 hr, 50 min

Soon2BThin on 08/23/2007:
Oh, those afternoon binges! What are we going to do about them? The afternoons are so hard. I'm envious of all that exercise though. Awesome! Good luck with the school.


Sandra aka Soul on 08/23/2007:
Hey,

Thanks for the comment and question, I get that alot. I tried to answer it (short version) on my entry for today. Can you ship some of your energy with workouts, sure need some.

Sandra


Donkey on 08/23/2007:
Keep us updated on everything!: MRI, observing, subbing, etc.


legcramps on 08/23/2007:
I either have to munch all day long or I tend to binge during dinner. There's just no in-between with me! Great exercise! Wow, i'm jealous! Almost 35 hours for August. I don't think i'm even close to half of that and unfortunately haven't been keeping track (obviously due to my complete LACK of exercise). There's always NEXT month....

My aunt and uncle live in China and they brought me Chinese tea the last time they visited. It's got more of a toned-down flavor than American tea, but I love it and it seems to give me lots of energy. Tea sure is the way to go to get in that last bit of water for the day. I always start my day off with a cup. Okay, 'nuff blabbing. Take care!



Horn_Of_Plenty - Tuesday Aug 21, 2007
(calorie counting, all foods, LOTS of veggies)
Weight: 0.0

Wednesday edit: blahhh! what's up with me! i keep binging in the late morning/early afternoon. today's calories will fall between 1900-2000 again. i just need to keep up the exercise... am going to the gym now..

----------------------------------------------------

Tuesday:

today's calories: 1980...another close call!

today's exercise: 2 hours great!

total aug. exercise: 32 hrs, 30 min

so, i had breakfast, 2 snacks, a LARGE BINGY lunch of over 1100 calories, LATE evening snack of 170.

Lately, i've been eating a really large lunch..gotta watch that. I'm trying to occupy myself as much as possible. soon enough i'll be working...even if its subbing.

interestingly, the old director from this past school year emailed me, saying there may be a position for 10 weeks in the middle of the school year and to let her know if i want it. well, considering i'm probably not going to be doing much besides subbing, i'll probably say yes that i am interested. LOL. this is like a never-ending decision. I'm also looking into applying to all of the schools for radiology. some accept applications as early as september.

everything is up in the air. by the time I have any steady job, i'll probably be 28 yrs old.


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