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Horn_Of_Plenty - Friday Feb 26, 2016
(counting calories/walking/elliptical/weights/bike)
Weight: 116.0

Freaky Friday !

 I can’t wait to get my freak on!!!...which actually just means relaxing & having a great time on Saturday night with my friend Jen drinks before Dinner then Dinner…we also are planning our Miami weekend trip (4/15/16) this weekend!
6:30am: kombucha 2 cups 70, seltzer (2 cups) with fruit punch flavored amino acids 30. 100 total.
8:30am at work: coffee 50
10am: banana 150.
11am: Oh Yeah! – my new fave – bar. White Chocolate Raspberry.210.
500… Nice &
1pm Lunch: lettuce (20) that I’ll warm in microwave, with heavily sautéed peppers & onions, and leftover large scallops as well 100 from home. Total around 550?.
1050...
5pm snacking on way home / errands: chocolate 70, 2 crackers 30. 100. and a sf cola 0.
7pm dinner: kale salad around 150?, other veggies 50, bag of shredded lettuce in microwave 20, with more sautéed peppers and onions 200?, dessert of a mousse yogurt 100, seltzer with stevia during night :)
 

Progress as of today: 10 lbs lost so far, only 1 lbs to go!

OhioRaven on 02/26/2016:
Yes, Miami.

Horn_Of_Plenty on 02/26/2016:
yes...Mid April :) South Beach to PARTAYYYYY!


OhioRaven on 02/26/2016:
Have a Healthy Freakin' Day.



Horn_Of_Plenty - Thursday Feb 25, 2016
(counting calories/walking/elliptical/weights/bike)
Weight: 116.0

 Thirsty Thursday  (thinking about the alcoholic beverage (1 or 2!) I’ll be having Saturday night when I go out with my friend Jen before dinner!)

6:30am: kombucha 2 cups 70, seltzer (2 cups) with fruit punch flavored amino acids 30. 100 total.
8:30am at work: chocolate sunflower butter bar 150, coffee 50 200.
10:30am / 11am: 400 if I have the oatmeal which I need to have bc it’s healthy with the banana, peanut butter, and oatmeal  / coconut mix.
700 – fine. Need to try to be healthier today.
1pm Lunch: lettuce (not counting) that I’ll warm in microwave, with leftover pea leaves (a Chinese item which is the leaves of the snow pea plant) sautéed 300?, and chick peas 100. Total around 400.
1100.
Before gym: caffeine 40, bar 130, large apple 100: around 350.
1400.
After gym: maybe the bar that has low sugars 250 And maybe aminos. 20.
1720.

1700 today. Workout was amazing. Everything is good.

1860 6-day average very nice.

Progress as of today: 10 lbs lost so far, only 1 lbs to go!

puddles on 02/25/2016:
Have a great day J.


hollybelle on 02/26/2016:
Yes, HOP, I have to STOP purchasing foods that are counter productive! For me it's sweets and not so much chips and stuff. If it's not around it's no problem. I can't believe what I have been buying and what I have been eating! Stuff I would never have eaten in the past has become routine. I can turn it around though. I am not feeling so powerless now.

Horn_Of_Plenty on 02/26/2016:
Yeah, I was in a BAD chip habit & thinking "oh, it's just some healthy fat & carbs"...just chips. yeah, what a waste.

...the body doesn't need the chips despite the crazy phase I was in for MANY months buying them. dumb move for me. it's so much better without them in my apt. I am eating healthier again - and even I am reviewing what i'm buying & making it EVEN EASIER to make good choices at home with less crap around to choose from!



Horn_Of_Plenty - Wednesday Feb 24, 2016
(counting calories/walking/elliptical/weights/bike)
Weight: 116.0

Around 1800 today at most. 1890 5-day average.

15 min stairclimbing in apt. Bc it's been raining and I hadn't exercised at all doing any walking and was getting antsy.

Wicked Wednesday.  :)

Been taking sleeping pills regularly to go to sleep & yes I am sleeping more since Sunday night. But I am not sure on the quality & I am also sorta waking up tired because sleeping pills in general require like 12 hours of rest /not being fully awake so that’s why I try to take them 12 hours before I need to wake up. Trust me, I need the pills right now because they are helping me sleep, rest & not get sick again this winter. I will try to stop with them when I can but this week, I’m focusing on my rest. Also, sleeping pills seem to have a “downer” effect on me. Can anyone relate? Is it normal for sleeping pills to depress a person? They make me feel very tired. Actually tonight, I may not take them as I feel pretty exhausted right now at 9:11am at work. Maybe best to take a night or so off…uh huh…it’s like by taking them a few nights in a row, they have a cumulative effect on my body…and I end up getting really tired in the daytime at work despite a TON of sleep…
6am at home: Kombucha 70.
8:30-10:30: coffee with milk 50, bar 150
10:30 or 11am: oatmeal mix that actually has coconut in it with ½ cup almond milk 180, banana 120, whipped peanut butter 100: 400. Bar 130.
400.
1pm Lunch healthy: dark meat chicken with skin (thigh & drumstick from a small rotisserie I have in my fridge to last me the week), maybe some shredded lettuce I have at work that I’d heat up & put in the soup as added volume & fiber, and tomato broth based vegetable soup with tons of veggies, lil potato, cabbage & other veggies (2 cups soup). For the chicken alone, it’s around 500 cals. And around 150 for the soup part. Up to 650. I may not eat all the chicken obviously, will decide later.
Lately I think I’m not having enough protein at all because my breakfasts are mostly oatmeal, drinks in the morning are carbs, and last couple weeks I was having a lot of low protein tofu (small amounts and only like 7g per serving is not much…) and lots of granola bars & similar items before gym…need to up the quality of protein I eat I am thinking, especially as I lift weights…
Total so far: 1050 if I eat all the chicken. Less if I don’t. either way, it’s healthy.
4:30pm/5pm ride home: strawberries 50
1100....probably less chicken at lunch? cannot eat much lower this week, relaxing with calories right now. i'm trying to de-stress my body..
Planning on takeout chinese tonight – shrimp & scallops with vegetables in a light sauce. Maybe with added shirataki noodles.
_________________________________________________________________
Whipped peanut butter:  The JIF brand - you can eat a slightly bigger volume bc it’s whipped! – this stuff is cool. I was buying the flavored  varieties like caramel and chocolate but plan to only buy the original plain peanut butter flavor when I use up the chocolate pb & caramel pb bc the flavors have a little added sugar and less protein and are not that great really. Turns out they have slightly high sugar for my liking & I realize I like the plain whipped better…but not enough to throw the flavored pb’s out.

Progress as of today: 10 lbs lost so far, only 1 lbs to go!

thinkpositive on 02/25/2016:
I know what you mean about the sleeping pills- they can really ruin the day. Agree- take a night off.

Horn_Of_Plenty on 02/25/2016:
I ended taking a more natural one (melatonin from the vitamin isle)...which I am glad I did despite my preference not to...LOL...because we had a very loud storm & I would have been up all night...just woke up 2x & was so tired it was pretty easy to fall back to sleep despite the loud noise....but sleeping pills...oh boy.



Horn_Of_Plenty - Tuesday Feb 23, 2016
(counting calories/walking/elliptical/weights/bike)
Weight: 116.0

(Weighed myself on wed morning after light eating the night before & happy to say - I am still right at 116). Anything is possible...but this week, i'm relaxing & same with next week. I need to have some fun with friends these next few weekends & enjoy myself a bit...too much stressing with wedding the past couple months so now it's about enjoying my weekends with friends!__________________________________________________________

1915 4-day average.

Terrible Tues…just feeling down about my life & trying to maintain positivity that things all work out when we stay focussed…but also the importance of having fun with friends which is what I’m going to do on Saturday night (bar & dinner)

6am: 2 cups kombucha 70
8am-11am: coffee 50, oatmeal with coconut flake mix with almond milk & banana 300, peanut butter also 100. Total here: 450.
11am: Small protein bar 130
1pm: Lunch: ½ avocado 150, veggies 100, chicken breast (substantial portion because I want to have more protein this week as I actually feel I was lacking on it last week & can almost tell the difference in my weak muscles lol) with some skin 300 at most.  550.
Snack before gym: strawberries, fiber one trail mix bar, and caffeine with a lil sugar: 250
After workout: sleeping pill and 300 cal protein bar in car.
total today: 1750, excellent.
__________________________________________________________
I am here at work, that’s good, but really struggling with maintaining an even keel. Yes, I am still proud of myself in how far I have come, but at the same time I am struggling with being happy now as I am TIRED, not rested, not stretching enough, not having enough of a break from my current job, and not satisfied with the fact that I have to get from now till 4/1 without any paid days off or vacations and the fact that I will take the days anyways.
The fact that I will end up using some of my tax return to pay for my days off now probably. The fact that things right now are not really how I’d like them to be. My car bumper that I cheaply fixed in September somehow got a small but deep scratch at the cleaners this past Sunday & now I cannot afford again to fix it. Maybe later on I’ll order some paint & fix it myself since it’s a very small scratch. 
It’s annoying how I don’t have any money to travel, (I will say my extra money goes to food indulgences which I have previously said I am not changing because I want it this way and don’t prefer to adjust my food spending no matter what anyone says).  
But, once in a while everything comes to a stop and I feel it & the pain that I try to forget about,  I have no choice but to face the music – and the music is depressing right now. No money for traveling for at least the next few years (unless I spend savings), no money for a new car for at least the next several years (unless I blow my savings), no money for much new clothing – most of the time I will have to go with what I already own, luckily money for going out minimally which is good enough right now (planning a fun one-night trip to AC for early summer with a good friend / coworker yay – and other friend isn’t invited since I will not invite someone who says she doesn’t like my other friend and I have to deal with that garbage being with both of them at the same time – so I’ll just go with one – even if that one decides to bring her boyfriend, I don’t care & I’ll get my own hotel room & will be even happier! To do whatever the F*CK I please. You would feel this way too…if for TWO MONTHS of this winter you were only doing things to prepare for your sister’s wedding & putting your entire weekend plans on the side to spend only with family or by yourself. You would feel this way if supposedly you are single & free – and feel so shackled done & not free. You’d feel how I feel if the one guy you like is as slow as anything to open up to you. You’d feel how I feel when you are angry that you still are in your current job due to an injury & slow to heal body & mind which is tough when I want to free myself and move onto the NYPD.
You’d feel how I feel if you felt completely stuck right now with your job & life…and still the slight uncertainty when I will be ready for the change. You’d feel how I feel when any sudden activity that requires some extra walking gets my body totally sore the next couple days. When it’s a struggle to improve my fitness bc my desk job is 8 hours per day plus 1/2hr lunch on top of that all sitting except for 2 weeks vaca and 5 sick days a year not enough. And I don’t need to be told that other people have it worse no I do NOT…because this doesn’t work at ALL for me. This job, this life, this lack of freedom, this PUNISHMENT I GAVE MYSELF because I left teaching on my own & I chose to take the job my father helped me get….I did this to myself….and now I face the PUNISHMENT. Nothing has changed for me really financially-wise since I got this job slightly over 5 years ago.
If I were to quit this job, I’d be in a similar financial state to how I was 5 years ago. I don’t have so much more savings since moving out of my parent’s house, I haven’t been able to save much more as my income is low at $46k in NYC. I thank god for being able to be free & out of their home – have more freedom especially weekends – only bc I am basically in a rent-fixed place. Rent for me is 1,000k per month in Queens. In the city (Manhattan), a 1-bed is AT LEAST $2500 and that would be for something probably with bugs & garbage. Most 1-beds in city are prob at least $3,000.- So, as you can see, I have a deal for $1k/monthly rent. If I didn’t have my deal, I couldn’t afford to live out of my parents’ house without having MULTIPLE roommates. At 33, I’m thankful for my independence & freedom – which came with my parents’ help.
I’m just sick of the help. Sick of the financial INSECURITY. Sick of my life as it is. But cannot go anywhere until I decide that my mind & more importantly MY BODY is strong enough for the NYPD. I have to make sure my ankle gives me no pain & that I am ready to jog daily in this academy or I will not be able to do it – and that is obviously not an option as it is my career after leaving this job & I must be able to do it. Case Closed. I’m not giving up. It’s just a BIG struggle right now to bear with this **** JOB AND **** LIFE for at least 1 more year…and hope that my company stays above water and doesn’t close & pray nothing else changes so that I can continue to forge toward my next career without any other major obstacles. It’s messy…mostly a mess in my mind right now.
A struggle since Saturday to maintain my composure. I’m tired, drained emotionally & physically & just want some time off which isn’t coming or which is coming but I will have to pay out of my own pocket for that time. It all just sucks right now.
In order to make it suck less, I’m making plans with friends on the weekend & trying to get out of my funk.

Progress as of today: 10 lbs lost so far, only 1 lbs to go!

innerpeace on 02/23/2016:
Stay strong girlie! You never know how much you inspire and help people on here. Life is tough for the working class people. Buy a lottery ticket and be hopeful. Think of all the things you have accomplished and all the plans you have, the freedom you speak of is...priceless!

I totally understand about $$ and travel and clothes and bills, we all have it.

Horn_Of_Plenty on 02/23/2016:
Thanks for the sympathy :)

Horn_Of_Plenty on 02/25/2016:
and reminder that there's a whole lotta folks in my boat...unfortunately for us all!


OhioRaven on 02/23/2016:
Have a nice day, HP.

Horn_Of_Plenty on 02/23/2016:
Lol. ty OR.


puddles on 02/23/2016:
Stay positive, stay in the present - the future always has a way of working itself out just the way it is suppose to turn out. Worrying was only invented to drive ourselves crazy. It is a little bit like doing the what ifs situations. Have a great day and believe you are having a great day J.

Horn_Of_Plenty on 02/24/2016:
Thank you F...you are right & I appreciate your advice. Sometimes I get so down, especially when emotions and hormones (being overtired too), and I get caught up in myself.



Horn_Of_Plenty - Monday Feb 22, 2016
(counting calories/walking/elliptical/weights/bike)
Weight: 116.0

Magic Monday:

6am: 4 cups kombucha 130
8am-11am: coffee, banana 220
11am: Quest Bar 210
1pm: Lunch: ½ avocado but small 150, veggies 100, chicken breast (substantial portion because I want to have more protein this week as I actually feel I was lacking on it last week & can almost tell the difference in my weak muscles lol) with some skin 300.  550.
Total thru Monday Work: approx. 1150 (boss gave me a cup of tomato juice). Good.
Dinner: indulged, but not a binge. everything in moderation. but everything haha. kale salad around 100, chips 120, Celantano microwave eggplant rollettes around 300, whipped yogurt 100, strawberries 50. Total: around 700. good.
total today: healthy still, 1850. good. getting back on track this week after the party Saturday. I didn't expect to feel so run down. Could also be sleep medicine. I may take some anyway.
__________________________________________________________
I am here at work, that’s good, but on the weekend I wasn’t even motivated to read in my time relaxing. Honestly, even though it wasn’t that busy a weekend besides the bridal shower, it took a lot out of me. Between laundry, food shopping & gym, and Friday night errands that took till pretty late in the evening, all I did the rest of my free time this weekend was lounge around on the couch. Surfing web, watching tv. And even falling back asleep Sunday after breakfast…but…I AM staying positive. I AM proud of myself. And I’m NOT going to go back on my word…My dream for now is to look good at this wedding on4/2. And this is my priority & I will not fail at it. I will keep on keeping on. Because I have a lot of respect for myself, love for myself, and a desire to reach my potential – ALWAYS.

And after this wedding, I am totally moving forward to my next bigger, more important goal - and that goal is joining the NYPD academy in pursuit of becoming an NYPD officer. And I have the most confidence that I will reach this when my body is ready (either January 2017 or July 2017).

Progress as of today: 10 lbs lost so far, only 1 lbs to go!

innerpeace on 02/22/2016:
Resting is good. I hope you get some good sleep leading up to your sister's wedding.


puddles on 02/22/2016:
it all sounds good - rest up J.



Horn_Of_Plenty - Sunday Feb 21, 2016
(counting calories/walking/elliptical/weights/bike)
Weight: 116.0

1am: 450 :/...hungry but mostly emotional eating.

8:30am: kombucha 70, bar 130, chips 120...very very emotional I seem to want to eat. not hungry though. total: 320.

9:30 protein bar 200, popcorn 250. 450, jolly rancher 20

total so far: 1250...I will do my best to keep cals in check, working on calming myself (I tend to get anxious before & after bigger social events) so I can relax & read. Laundry was thankfully done last night so I don't have too much to do today except food shopping & gym...not sure why I am so fidgety & emotional (except this is typical for me after big social functions).

3pm Lunch: healthy kale salad with dressing 100?, nice & warm rotisserie half chicken breast with skin...200. total 300.  popcorn again..150  450.

total so far: around 1700, good...needing to go to gym soon...

At gym: banana120, After gym: high sugar and protein cookie 360, 100 cal yogurt also. Total here: 580. fine.

Total today: 2280. Is fine. Sometimes we need an up day anyways. What can I do :)

Tomorrow's a new day & I will be trying HARD thru April 2nd.

No days off for awhile, so I will try to forget about that fact, try to sleep & get rest (if it means taking sleeping pills, I will), and try not to overdo anything before the wedding :)

Progress as of today: 10 lbs lost so far, only 1 lbs to go!

Donkey on 02/21/2016:
Sometimes it can be a process to "come down" from a social event, if that makes sense. I totally relate.

Horn_Of_Plenty on 02/21/2016:
Yes....I hear you & yes that is me. I am not a "social butterfly." It's not in my inborn nature to be very social & events like these wind me up. It's ok, but I know for a fact that this is how I am :)


puddles on 02/21/2016:
We all react differently with social events. I am quite the social butterfly and my reaction is that I want another party the next day. Hope you get to relax.

Horn_Of_Plenty on 02/21/2016:
Oh wow! I had no idea of this fact about you.

Sometimes I wish I could be more of that social butterfly. When I have a party, the next day I want to be alone!


grannyannie on 02/21/2016:
Hope you can calm down and not stress. True that we do occasionally need a higher cal day. Take it easy.

Horn_Of_Plenty on 02/22/2016:
feeling better, just very tired this Monday...but chugging on thru..


cybermom4 on 02/22/2016:
OMGoodness HOP - I get anxious about new events too!! In fact, I just went to a 2 day seminar and I purposely sat in the back at a table by myself. I can concentrate better and I don't feel like I have to make conversation. There was one point in the first day where we had to collaborate with someone beside us and so I was able to calmly join another table - discuss the topic - then thank them and leave. They were very nice but I was so peaceful all because I did not have to socialize - I know that sounds horrible - but I just get so nervous. I never used to be nervous around people- in fact, at the seminar - I interjected several times b/c I was so engaged in the lesson and had questions, but for the most part - I would much rather be alone than to suffer in silence being anxious. The funny thing is, I can be outgoing and social like at work, but only for like 5 minutes - then I have to excuse myself. Not sure if that is just me getting older and not wanting to spend time chattering b/c I have so much work to do and I want to get it done before I leave. (I like to leave work at work if at all possible and not have to do work at home if I can help it). Anyway - that was a long story LOL Just to say - I can realte!!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 02/22/2016:
I get you & thank you for sharing. Feel free to always share more. I also have a similar thing with me - where I can socialize and do enjoy socializing but not for long periods of time. I need my space & alone time...and when I don't get enough (like this weekend) I start to feel anxious and yearn to be alone so badly...when I am anxious I sometimes cannot even relax enough to read at home (like this weekend). I just chilled on the couch - very low energy for me. I try not to let myself get this low energy - but social events tend to suck everything out of me. It's not my thing to be around people that I don't know very well. I do better with close friends - but even still - I desire my own free time after these type of events. I know I am in the minority here - and that most folks (most people) do not get this way. I have known this about myself for some time now.



Horn_Of_Plenty - Saturday Feb 20, 2016
(counting calories/walking/elliptical/weights/bike)
Weight: 116.0

Sunday 1am...cannot sleep...so I am taking sleeping pill & snacking its ok.  giving myself a break. chips 100. heavily sautéed greens 300. steamed veggies 50. 450.

_________________________________________________

Smiling Saturday :)

11pm Evening Update:

My sister's bridal shower was great :) I wasn't an organizer of it, but still tried to help out there & write down who gave what gift when she was opening her gifts there...

Gonna try to remember what I ate :)...because it's what I do :)

Overall, all the women there were excited to be there & have a good time. 

There were free drinks & I had a bellini  (i'll estimate at 150) along with about 1/3 (50) of a strong raspberry vodka with seltzer. 200 here.

Early Dinner: salad with a lil cheese and also couple thin salami slices 200 at most prob, then some pasta with veal and sauce YUM 400 at most I guess since a very small serving but still a small plate of it (like a cup worth), then my dinner was great salmon but not too much of a big serving thankfully 350 or so, spinach! 150 or less, and a few big beans 50. great... oh and lil piece of cake 100 at most, and coffee 50 at most. 1100 at most prob.

Total at party: 1300, Total earlier in day: 350 forgot I had a banana 470

Total Today: 1770 or so. not gonna eat more, body is starting to feel tired again after finishing laundry that I started when I got home & happy I don't have to do it tomorrow. Now it's 11:10, off to read & then bed! Goodnight All :)

 ___________________________________________________

Noon Entry:

Today, I'm heading off in the early afternoon to my sister's bridal shower. I'm looking forward to it but also seems I'm still waking up...lol. It's almost noon right now.

Took a sleeping pill last night around 9:30pm and it has worked very well. I slept in till around 7:30am and then was sleeping still on & off in my bed until 10:30am. These Sleepinal Pills are strong. You cannot take them if you need to get up early unless I take them practically with dinner. So today, I got some much needed sleep since I don't sleep well when I exercise at night & that was Thursday night. I'm doing what I need to for me & feeling good. My body is getting much needed rest lately, especially weekends, and I am feeling more rested during the day & happier.

I must get ready soon with at least a shower lol....

Soon it will be time to drive to the shower with my mom & dad.  I will be helping them set everything up early. Then, the shower starts at 3:30pm...

So far, two bottles of kombucha for an extra push because sometimes when anxious my digestive systems likes to stop! 140 cal so far...and also some flavored seltzer with extra added stevia.

also a Chocolate protein bar 210.

(350 before party)

Feeling good...when I get home tonight whenever it is, i'll be reading & relaxing. Supposedly, my friend (no longer a best friend IMO) will be at the shower. I haven't spoken to her, which is GREAT I don't want to right now too busy and got enough I need to take care of, so I am not sure if she'll show up & get herself there. If she isn't there, that's ok too.

Progress as of today: 10 lbs lost so far, only 1 lbs to go!

OhioRaven on 02/20/2016:
Try not to make eye contact !

Horn_Of_Plenty on 02/20/2016:
With!?....

Was fun :)


Duaa123. on 02/20/2016:
Have a nice days always

Horn_Of_Plenty on 02/20/2016:
Thanks D....It was GREAT :)


puddles on 02/20/2016:
Enjoy your shower don't let it get to you.

Horn_Of_Plenty on 02/20/2016:
Was so fun Fran :)


grannyannie on 02/21/2016:
Well done with the calories. Glad you enjoyed the shower.


puddles on 02/21/2016:
Glad to hear that all went well.



Horn_Of_Plenty - Friday Feb 19, 2016
(counting calories/walking/elliptical/weights/bike)
Weight: 116.0

 Firefly Friday (my positive take on it)…

Early: Kombucha 60
8:30am-10:30am: coffee w. extra milk 150
10:30/11am: oatmeal 100, peanut butter 100, protein powder 120, coconut water 50, egg white 30, stevia for taste: 400.
Lunch: tofu 50, around a big cup of saag 200, mushrooms & leeks 150 at most: 400 at most prob.!!
1150-1200. before dinner, higher than expected but very reasonable & weekly average is still going to be GREAT
Dinner & early to bed with sleeping pill since last night I was up a little after gym:guess is that dinner is not more than 600 cal. tons of veggies, also 5 large shrimp and 5 large scallops and sauce which raises the calories. anyways...
1800 at most i'd say. decent. was aiming more for 1700, but, whatever. did a TON of errands after work: picked up card for sister's bridal shower, picked up prescription that I forgot to do earlier this week, picked up some food, got my nails done for party tomorrow. that's quite a bit. took around 2.5 hours total with driving home. SO HAPPY to be HOME.
total avg per day this week: 1650 or so per day....very good - may be the first time the average for an entire week is below 1700!
Avg cals burned: on workout days, I would like to think I've burned at least 2200 cals. So, 2200-1650 = 550. So, 550 burned on my 3 workout days = 1650 burned. next, i'd like to believe I burn at least 1750 on non-workout days. So, 4 days without workouts = 400 cals total. Total for this week burned: 2050 = EXCELLENT! This equals around 2/3 of a pound. If I can keep up this way of eating, and actually it shows I can even indulge more &  not necessarily worry!, I will have no problem being around 115 come April 2nd. Of course, ladies & man, if I do lose a hair more, I WILL NOT COMPLAIN! duh. Sorry for the endless math, it's me thinking to myself...I'm very in the zone right now because of a bridal shower tomorrow and wedding looming. I feel very in control & focused. I love this feeling.
 I also realize something else today...i'm going to have to let the guy go. The one that I did want things with...he's not ready. he's single, 44, and happy that way. so, i'm going to move forward & just look to have fun especially this spring after the wedding dating. sucks to let this man go....I really don't want to. texting for around 2.5 years and now nothing. staying in touch & now nothing. this to me is sadder than the thing with my best friend because more emotions are involved...female emotions...you know,.
I feel like I am very complete & finally independent and really, really single. Losing my best friend has helped me fully become myself. It’s hard nonetheless. It’s hard to sometimes skip over the time and fast forward and view myself as a successful cop – owning a gun and living in a new world of new situations…but the full confidence comes with time. I realize it’s one step at a time. Nobody is fully confident before they go thru the whole academy training & then also confidence from each year gained actually working…that’s a reason why it’s ok in my opinion for me not to fully see myself as cop now…but also to still envision myself in the uniform…
…What I’m trying to say is yes, I see myself as a cop. But, at the same time, my confidence will come with training and experience. I do not need to have it all at once. And this is ok. I accept this. I feel by accepting this fact, I am able to move forward and reach my goals. I don’t see being perfect as necessary anymore. And I understand that putting on an act to be confident even if not confident is very important too because supervisors / coworkers & everyone notices when you either have or lack confidence. Part of being confident is having the ability to show it even when you don’t feel it 100%. Why? Because the way you carry yourself is also the way others will perceive you…I have learned this, seen this, know this. I take my opinions on this matter very much to heart. I’m not a young girl anymore. I’ll be 34 in September and my chance to be NYPD is now. I’m making it happen. It’s a great feeling. At times, I started to think it was beyond me. Now I see, if I keep my confidence, nothing is beyond me. People in this world show so much strength despite mental and physical constraints. And, not having either of those, I am confident that I am able to achieve the same greatness as everyone else. There’s nothing to stop me except me. I am enjoying being free, not having a best friend anymore to take care of. I am enjoying raising myself up. It’s a give & take. I’m willing to give away closer relationships for the chance to take a new chance at life for myself.
I don’t have the time, literally I am busy, like other folks who are bosses or having flexible schedules.  This is a TRUTH. And, based on my schedule & time constraints, I have decided, and not so recently, that my own personal health and success is far more important than constant social plans or caring for a best friend that isn’t my family. I will do what I have to do, no matter how SELFISH it sounds to others, in order to get into that academy. I still have a little work to do in my physical feeling of wellbeing and having confidence that I can get thru the hard & tough physical aspect of training in the academy. Like the running I mean. And then the physical pressures of being a cop – first few years are on your feet patrolling the streets. I am getting there. Slowly but surely, I’m not always wearing sneakers to work. I’m starting to wear flats (dress shoes but flat no heal). I’m starting to break down the mental barriers which will also break down physical barriers. I refuse to let a lack of confidence (which I refuse to think like that) – a lack of confidence to prevent me from further living out the coolest life ever. Women? Cops? Female cop? Who would have thought. How cool this will be – to be a cop. I have such a passion & love for cops. And to be one myself will be a dream fulfilled, biggest dream I have ever had, fulfilled for life.
 

Progress as of today: 10 lbs lost so far, only 1 lbs to go!

puddles on 02/19/2016:
Congrats J. Good work. Only one lbs left you have done good.


innerpeace on 02/19/2016:
You have a goal, a plan and confidence to accomplish this. I fail to see how others' opinions fall into your plan. I wouldn't worry about what everyone else things. It's your life, you go and live it! Keep on keeping on!


Duaa123. on 02/19/2016:
I am really enjoy reading as usual and you will be the person who you want .. you know , we really harm ourselves when we thinks that we are less than others! I have read that conference is increasing and decreasing according to what to u face in your life. Confidante come when you trying new things, when you face your fears... keep going forward =) You know..now , you will know the most wonderful person , who is yourself ... I have read also , if you need opinion for something , go deeply in yourself ..


grannyannie on 02/20/2016:
Well done! Hope you can get to the point where it's what you think of yourself that counts. Very difficult for most of us, but it can be done.



Horn_Of_Plenty - Thursday Feb 18, 2016
(counting calories/walking/elliptical/weights/bike)
Weight: 116.0

Reached an all-time low of 116 (it's been YEARS since I last saw that #..last time around early fall 2007 before taking on a job that wasn't a challenge and becoming depressed that year with lots of bingeing) Friday morning (ate very light yesterday so that helped and low volume food at night, so weight extra low in morning. nice!) Basically, I can say right now, that despite all the odds, I maintained my goals and wishes. And so far, they've come true. Oh, I only need to lose one more pound by April 2nd. I cannot believe I did this! Amazing success & progress.  Now, thru March, I have to maintain...as well as renew some relationships and more social plans with friends...I need to be able to maintain weight & incorporate a social life...this will require some work, but very possible of course.

Article link is right below Smartest and most honest article I've ever read regarding weight loss & how to think like a thin person!

http://www.active.com/running/articles/6-experts-share-their-weight-loss-tips-for-runners?page=2

Thoroughly Thursday (because what other day is it!?)
6am Kombucha: 70

6day avg: 1608per day!

8:30-10:30am Snacking: Coffee with extra milk 100, 2 Fish Oil capsules 20 (just like putting butter in coffee if you have read the studies or are familiar with Bulletproof Coffee…mine is “Jackie’s Take” on it).120.
10:30am / 11:00am: my new fave type of protein bar – ONE. I I like all of their flavors too! 220.
TSF: 410. Yes baby. Work it…Make the right choices, realize your potential. Work hard for results you can be proud of.
1pm Lunch: Bok Choy, other veggies on top 190 at most, ½ medium avocado 160, tofu 50: total 400.
810 today.
Bar 320 & aminos.
total today: around 1150. because I am achieving one goal at a time now!
Losing a best friend and the relationship becoming something else is very hard. But not as hard as continuing to be friends with someone who does not support me as she says she does. Does not like my friends. Does not want to do new things. I fight with regularly. And someone who thinks she can keep me away from my other friends, say bad things about my other friends, and, when I try to help or say anything that is from my heart, someone that takes offense & instead of realizing i'm concerned, she puts me down, tells me what's wrong with me, and embarrasses me. This will stop now & always. Never have I been told I cannot be myself. That I cannot express myself. and embarrassed multiple times in front of other friends & family. I have NEVER tried to embarrass her, try to manipulate her, or say negative things to her. This girl has tested me, throughout our long term friendship of over ten years, and she's pushed me to my limit. I cannot call her my best friend anymore. If she isn't accepting that, and doesn't want to be friends, I will be OK with that. I have given so much to her & all I get back is that she needs to talk to a therapist to know that i'm being sincere!? She couldn't come up with that conclusion herself!? So done with the nonsense. I am not sure why I was so driven with her and as her best friend. I just know one thing...I made friends with her during my pretty vulnerable period of life - 20's to early 30's...and well...I just don't know what to say anymore. But i'm sick of fighting. Sick of trying. Sick of getting her to come out of her comfort zone. I don't want to try anymore. And I cannot anymore think that every time i'm doing an activity that she is automatically invited. Completely done with the best friend relationship. So OVER IT. I do feel free, but it's very, very sad at the same time. Losing a best friend - never easy.
Nothing is stopping me right now – I’m on a major roll – last run into the wedding 4/2. So happy. So proud of myself. Before September I was stuck in the biggest rut. Eating too high calories that didn’t match my fitness levels & were totally impeding my weight loss goals for this wedding. After I finally reached out to myself. Learned from myself, got over being in the worst rut of my life (if you weren’t on DD in September / October – I got VERY sick. I was off work for ONE month. The first 3 weeks of being ill, I had NO CHOICE and had to stay with my parents because I was feeling so out of my skin that I couldn’t even care for myself. I needed so much help & thank god I had my parents there for me, thank god.) I have learned so much from the lowest point of my life. Grown so much these last several months. There’s no going back for me!
________________________________________________
 “ONE” bars are slightly more cals (usually just over 200 cals) than Quest bars (Quest usually just below 200 cals), but ONE is softer & does not need microwaving to make them soft.  All the Quest bars I buy lately are almost hard as rocks and not fun to eat in the office since they need microwaving & I don’t like running down to the kitchen.
Also, the “ONE” brand is tastier. The difference in taste is substantial enough to buy them instead of Quest. These ONE bars taste fresh just as the Quest bars have begun to taste stale to me. I think the Quest company is not putting enough effort into their products like they did in the past when the company was newer. In the past, when I bought Quest bars, they were softer & I didn’t have to microwave them near as long as I do these days. The Quest products seem to be diminishing in quality!

Progress as of today: 10 lbs lost so far, only 1 lbs to go!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 02/18/2016:
Link to article:

http://www.active.com/running/articles/6-experts-share-their-weight-loss-tips-for-runners?page=2


puddles on 02/18/2016:
You have done very well. Sometimes we have to it a low for us to realize things have got to change. Have a great day J.

Horn_Of_Plenty on 02/18/2016:
Thank you so much Puddy. It's a very freeing feeling.


Duaa123. on 02/18/2016:
Very good... keep going , i hope u reach ur goal weight soon .. do u mean ur sister wedding?

Horn_Of_Plenty on 02/18/2016:
Yes my sister's wedding :) 4/2/16. It's a very big deal. she's my only sister :)


Duaa123. on 02/18/2016:
Yes I understand ... congratulations for her.


thinkpositive on 02/19/2016:
As difficult as this is for you, it seems that breaking off the friendship is best for you. I once heard that some people are poison and it's best to keep these people out of our lives. You are in a good place right now and you don't need someone to bring you down.



Horn_Of_Plenty - Wednesday Feb 17, 2016
(counting calories/walking/elliptical/weights/bike)
Weight: 117.0

Perhaps the best article I have ever read for weight loss tips from thin people behaviors (think like a thin person!) awesome article!:

http://www.active.com/running/articles/6-experts-share-their-weight-loss-tips-for-runners?page=2 

Wonderland Wednesday.
Here to tell all you lovely ladies & gentleman that I love myself. I love myself for now & for always. I believed in myself. I believed in the process. I already love my body as it is. And I will never stop reaching to work on my body or myself. My physical health and mental health. I always want to be the best me. It took a lot of lows. A lot of failures. A lot of misses…before I found what I was looking for. No matter how bad things get, they get better if you let them.
Everyone here, you have to believe in yourself & you cannot quit. It’s the resolve not to quit that will help you in the long run. Keep that confidence. Trust that as time goes by, everything you want will come. Have patience, wait it out, put in the work, and maintain your focus. Everything comes to those who work at it. Don’t stop. Don’t ever stop. It’s not worth ruining your life & wrecking the good feelings you can have for yourself. Do yourself the biggest favor, and work towards loving yourself.
For the FIRST time in my entire life, 33 ½ years old, I woke up today LOVING myself. I will never, ever, forget the beautiful feeling as long as I live.
This entry is from the bottom of my heart. I am blessed with so many second chances at life. My eyes were open. I took the chances. Sending you all thoughts and prayers to continue your own journeys with as much commitment and resolve as I have taken to fulfill my own promises. I will continue to work to achieve my full potential & will never, ever stop.
5:30am: rest of the BCAA’s watermelon sugar free (tasty stuff!), and kombucha 50
8am-10:30am or so: coffee with extra milk 60
10:30am / 11am: Late Breakfast: oatmeal 100, coconut water 50, chocolate vegan protein powder 100, egg whites 30, stevia (low fat today…forgot the added fat – is fine, I got a lot of fat for lunch in my lunch!) 300.
Lunch: tofu 50, lots of saag (spinach prepared in an Indian way with lots of spices, little butter, and ginger) 250 at least I’d say, some greens (not gonna count cals here for fresh greens – just glad that they aren’t totally spoiled lol since they are over 2 weeks old now in my fridge!), little bit of chick peas (did it for health reasons…need to eat more than just veggies in oil…) 100…total here is approx. 400.

Very big dinner (volume) lots of heavily sautéed okra (bhindhi) in oil and spices...just a lot and it was on the bottom of the container so extra oily which is good bc today was pretty much very low-fat. okra 400?, small pieces of chicken 100, soup with veggies / small amount noodles 150, tons of bok choy and cabbage 150. total here: 800 at most and may be less, worth it. decided to indulge in dinner today because tomorrow will be lower cal I am sure.

1750, at most.

no exercise.

wore flats today instead of sneakers = accomplishment. but tomorrow = sneakers again!

5-day cal average: 1700, GREAT.

 

Progress as of today: 9 lbs lost so far, only 2 lbs to go!

OhioRaven on 02/17/2016:
Great Post today, HP.

Horn_Of_Plenty on 02/17/2016:
Thanks OR :)


Duaa123. on 02/17/2016:
I really feel interesting with your post. . I feel better and I am really happy for your feels .. and I hope you stay always positive like this and you will reach your goal weight . Thank you because u like to share with us articles .. I understand the saag. . I really like Indian food and I like saag ..next time try ( salona) it is extremely ni├Čiice and spicy... are you Sagittarius. ?

Horn_Of_Plenty on 02/17/2016:
I am a Virgo :) September :)

Yes, I will look into Salona...oh nice! A vegetable stew (soup!)...will try to find this. Sometimes, I have to ask for less spicy because Indian foods gets sometimes TOO hot!

I will share the article now at the top of my page :)


puddles on 02/17/2016:
Nice and positive - great job - you go girl.

Horn_Of_Plenty on 02/17/2016:
thanks so much, F! It felt great. I had to remind myself throughout the day...but it feels so good...to believe in yourself. to be confident in your choices & not second-guess!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 02/17/2016:
thanks so much, F! It felt great. I had to remind myself throughout the day...but it feels so good...to believe in yourself. to be confident in your choices & not second-guess!


Awesome50 on 02/17/2016:
Really enjoyed your post today. I felt so happy for you!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 02/18/2016:
Thanks A :)



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