- Wednesday Jun 23, 2004
"It's not how good you are, it's how bad you want it" lyrics to a song that motivates me. I still don't have the motivation I need, it comes somewhere in the deep recesses of my heart & soul and some days it is just to far to go.
I started reading a "Purpose Driven Life" I made a committment to start a 40 day spiritual journey, I see if I can apply it to my weight loss struggles as well. I think, no I know this is the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life.
"Results not typical" is another phrase that just blows my mind. I'm desperately trying to find the thing in my mind that makes me turn off the alarm clock and go back to sleep. I was speaking casually to a psychologist and he was explaining that it was a subconscience thing that sometimes, your body doesn't he hear it but you still reach over and turn the clock off. I need to relearn that and get up with the dumb thing goes off. On days when I absolutely, positively have to get up, I don't have a problem.
I watched some video tape of the picnic I went to on Sunday, and at first glimce, I'm thinking OH, my GAWD I can't believe that is me, because that was not the same person I see in a mirror, isn't it funny have your mind plays tricks on you? But the camera never lies. I wish everyone many news successes. IP
- Tuesday Jun 22, 2004
Hi all. I gained a few pounds back, I�m surprised it wasn�t more, since I distinctly remember how I reverted back into old eating habits and no exercise. I just get in these ruts where I start feeling sorry for myself and I have always been told that �misery loves company�.
A few days ago I wore this pair of panties to work that are so comfortable, but they tend to slide down, not because I lost weight and they are just so big but because the elastic is about worn out (so men are not the only one�s who keep old under ware). I was walking to my car in the parking garage, when my panties just slid all the way down, as far as they could with slacks on. I�m not into G-strings, so this was a new sensation for me, having my slacks actually touching my butt with no hindrance. What a magnificent feeling to have walking down the street. I was so thrilled by it, I laughed out loud. Actually guffawed loud enough that the man on the other side of the street looked at me like I was positively daft, which in turn made me laugh all the more.
I have some questions. Firstly, I wore a skirt today at work and when I went to the bathroom, I had a dilemma about whether to lift it up and go or pull it down and go. Is there a right way? (I should state that I do not have nylons on, because I�m sure that would have made a difference) Does it matter?
Secondly, I keep having dreams about my ex-husband. How am I supposed to get on with my life and be happy, if he is forever popping up in my dreams? I have faced that fact that I love him more now than when we were married, how do you explain that and better yet how do you get over it?
I hope you all have a great day. IP
- Thursday Jun 17, 2004
Hi all. I can�t report that I lost anymore because I didn�t go and face the scale this last week. Call me a coward, but I just couldn�t hear the lady behind the counter tell me I had a bad week. Like I don�t already know that and today as been a bad day. I am slowly slipping back in the wasteful lifestyle I led before and I was doing so well. Last night I went home and sat on the couch until it got dark and then I went to bed. On the good week I would at least make an attempt to exercise.
I was on my way to work this morning and had to wait on a train. I am going to start a new business called HOBO Tours. The gist is you pay your fare and the train slows down just enough for you to run and hop on and you go to where ever it takes you. Of course once you get on it won�t be a primitive set up, it would be comfortable and be very plush. I just want to take off and leave my life for awhile.
Tonight I am going with eleven others from work to play in the United Way Pacesetter games. It is sort of a wacky Olympic type thing, should be fun, but it is supposed to be up to 95 something.
I also want to say thank you to Kayla and her phrase �I have also found out that there are good days and there are not so good days...and then there are some bone crushing horror filled days...� I cannot put into words how much her phrase meant to me. It was just that little nudge you need when you really want to do something but don�t have the nerve or energy to take that first big step. Thanks for getting me on the right track again. I will succeed in this and I will go and weigh in at weight watchers Monday, whether or not I gained or lost. I will listen to the lady behind the counter tell me that �I had a bad week�
I hope you all have a great day. IP
- Wednesday Jun 09, 2004
Hi all. Down another 2 pounds. I didn�t do very good over the holiday weekend. I didn�t exercise for some reason. I just didn�t feel like it. When you know a combination of things work to help you loose weight, what is it that makes you stray away from it? This is sure a slow process and ten pounds never quite seem so far away.
It has been raining on and off all day, grass will grow and that means I will get some sort of exercise if I ever convince myself to mow the grass. Sunday is our company picnic so I will be going to the zoo and walking around. My life is just boring, I tell ya.
I hope you all have a great day. IP
- Tuesday Jun 01, 2004
What a weekend. Was very good with food, very bad with exercise. I couldn't get in the groove. I admire all of you who actually get up and do it first thing in the mornings. I guess I could quit my job and concentrate on exercise. If things were just so easy.
I left the house last night to go shopping for clothes. I found a bunch of outfits and even carried some around the store, but at the last minute, I put it all back and decided to wait until I lose more weight and then go and buy the really cute stuff. I'll just keep wearing the same stuff to work. No one has seemed to mind yet.
I missed my weigh in yesterday, because my WW store was closed. That's OK, I'm still on tract with weight loss and next week will show and even bigger loss.
I hope you all have a great week and a better summer! IP
- Friday May 28, 2004
I went shopping for some shirts last night. I walked around the entire store and stopped and picked up a movie size box of reeses pieces. I put them back then walked around the aisle and picked up some yogart covered raisons. I compared the fat/calorie content, would you believe, about the same. I kept the yogart covered raisons, my three tops and went to the check out. I stould there and waited for the cashier to ring me up. When he took my shirts I told him I picked up the yogart raisons, but didn't want them anymore. So he took them and put them behind the counter. Yeah for me! Nasty little troll was up on my shoulder, but he was satisfied with just carrying them to the counter.
I then did something I haven't done ever. I went into a restaurant and ate by myself. I have social/anxiety issues and usually won't go anywhere outside my house alone. I actually went into Souper! Salad yesterday and ate alone in a booth. I was quite anxious at first, but then I realized no one cared whether I was alone or followed by a whole big entourage.
Three-day weekend coming up. I am planning on going to a hike around one of the local lakes. Total distance around is 9.1 miles. I usually weigh in on Mondays, but my WW office is closed for the holiday.
I have been eating lots of salad lately. They are easy to make and I tried the Martha's Vineyard salad from Arbys. It is awesome. I hope you all have a great long weekend. "some people dream of success...while we wake up and work hard at it" IP
- Tuesday May 25, 2004
Weighed in last night. Great results, I received my first 5 pound star last night. I clapped for myself, I was excited I made it this far. I haven't stayed with WW this long before. The last time I joined I was at 271, I went back for two weeks. The second week I gained and never went back.
I wish I could say this was easy, but I struggle with making the right choices. I look back and remember how driving through the drive through was so easy and convenient. I miss those days when I wouldn't have to cook or worry about cleaning up. I miss ordering a large pizza and eating all but two pieces. The two pieces would be for breakfast the next morning. I miss sitting on my sofa and not moving....I miss pasta. But I snap out of it and remember that's what got me to this point in the first place.
I have been keeping busy. Over the weekend I stayed busy and I actually socialized with people. Friday I went to a club/bar (which I never ever do) and listened to my friend's cousin play in a band. It was pretty good, very loud though. I drank 2 beers and I didn't feel guilty. Saturday, I worked all day in the yard, walked through the park and went to a baseball game at night. There I had 2 pieces of pizza and a small dip of ice cream. Again I didn't feel guilty. Needless to say, despite not feeling guilty, I had reservations about getting on the scale. So I am convinced that as long as I stay within my point range and exercise I will lose weight, regardless of how I spend my points.
I switched to TaiBo and that made me sweat but last night I mowed the front & back yard and did WATP 2 mile tape. I know that I have to keep up my exercise.
I hope you all have many great successes...no matter how small! "Success does not always roar. Sometimes, it is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow." IP
- Thursday May 20, 2004
Hi all. Down another 2 pounds. I missed getting my next 5 pound gold star by .6 pounds. How lame is that. I know I will get it next week though. I have still been dealing with the person who stole my purse. She even used my SSN number to get a wireless phone. When I called the phone company, for the second time, they finally took my SSN out of their system, whatever that means. However, they ensured me it wouldn�t happen again. But the stupid customer service lady, gave me the address she used. Not a good thing to have, especially if I get totally pissed one day. I also wrote a letter to the DA, because I can�t believe they haven�t done anything yet. I have her picture and address, just go apprehend the hussy and put her in jail. But no, they would rather investigate stolen plastic lawn flamingos, damaged urinals at a gas station and vandalized trees. Yes, I would definitely say, they have their priorities straight. NOT.
I went to a play/act Tuesday night �Late Nite Catechism� it was pretty funny, I�m sure it would have been more funny if I was Catholic. The audience really made the show and the actress really interacted well. I didn�t exercise that night or last night. I was just so tired, I figure I would give my body a 2 day rest, but I will start again tonight. I actually felt bad for not exercising, but I feel much better today.
I hope yall have many great successes. Have a great day! �Go over, go under, go around or go through. But never, ever give up.� IP
- Monday May 17, 2004
Hi all. I had a great weekend. My supervisor volunteered me to play volleyball for the United Way. I went Saturday and played most of the day. Had a great time, but got to much sun. My face is so burned it will blister and peel and be all yuck. I ate two pieces of pepperoni pizza for lunch that was from Mazzio�s which was a total of 8 points but then I worked it off playing volley ball all day. After that some friends and I went to see Trace Adkins and Buddy Jewel in concert. I think Buddy Jewel stole the show, but Trace was still good AND he is a sight to look at. He can really dance and I love all his glorious hair. It was a very long day, and I can�t remember ever enjoying myself so much, in a long time. For once I wasn�t worried about my weight, I just went and played and didn�t worry what everyone thought, heck, they probably didn�t care less.
Sunday, I stayed home and did the domestic thing, wash clothes, vacuum and stuff like that. A few times I found myself just vegging on the couch. I didn�t move, I was still tired from volleyball. I did finally manage to get motivated at 7:30 and fold clothes, wash dishes and I did the WATP 3 mile tape. Tonight is another weigh in a WW, I am feeling good about it.
Yall have a great day! IP
- Thursday May 13, 2004
Hi all. Another pound gone. I have been having a hard time lately with issues in my life. My son went to Germany with his dad, I am so sad, he will be a grown man the next time I see him. I know he is old enough to make decisions for himself, but I still can�t help but to feel sad.
I have been divorced for almost ten years and there are no words to describe my feelings. I think lonely is only the tip of the entire iceberg. When my son was here last, he told me to �get over it, Mom�. Oh yea, that helped a lot. I wallow in the past. I know I cannot change things the whole �would�ve, could�ve, should�ve� is my motto. I just can�t seem to get passed things I did and things that happened in the past. I do talk with a therapist and tell him my thoughts and feelings but I haven�t seen any improvement.
So, I�m telling you all out there, from experience, and words from a Celine Dion song�. �when you find it, don�t let go� because you will miss it and then you wonder if you will ever lead a normal life. And then you get so depressed you can�t make yourself do anything, much less do some form of exercise and then you gain so much weight you just don�t feel like a normal person. You are on the outside looking in at people living a normal life and because you are so fat, a freak of society, you just dream of things you want and the things you once had. It is a vicious, ugly circle.
I haven�t been able to sleep well the passed few nights. I think I am emotionally traumatized from my purse being stolen. I wake up and think I hear people trying to get into my house or walking around in it. I lie there afraid to move, scared I will make noise and make them come in and attack me or something. The TV airs things that are irrelevant to me, like people getting arrested for stealing a $15 dollar pair of sunglasses or people that were caught on camera tearing a urinal off the wall. OK, well there are pictures on camera of a woman using my checkbook, spending thousands of dollars with bogus checks and they (the authorities, the police, whoever) aren�t doing a damn thing about it. Just know that the thousand dollar loss that Wal-Mart took, will probably be added to purchases that hardworking, money paying, honest people buy. I feel victimized twice.
But above all of this, I am still eating within my point range and have been exercising everyday, even when I haven�t wanted to. Maybe I�m forming a good habit, last night I thought I talked myself out of exercising, but then the longer I sat, the worse I felt, so I just got up and �did it�. I hope you all �do it� too.
Yall have a great day! IP