- Wednesday Jan 02, 2002
Happy New Year to you all. I really didn't do much of anything, that is including sticking to my plan, but this is a new year and things can only get better. I was around a bunch of pessimists New Year's Eve and that didn't help matters any.
Why are you going to make a New Year's resolution? They asked. You didn't keep the one you made last year, which just happened to be the same one I'm making now. Well for many reasons, if I lose weight and get comfortable with my looks again, maybe I could spend it with someone who loves me, instead of being here listening to you remind me of my failures.
Yesterday my son asks me what I'm doing, I say nothing, he adds, now would be a great time to go walk. I say, sure if it wasn't 20 degrees outside. He says, walk on the treadmill. I had nothing to say to that, but I just couldn't get motivated enough to do it. I swear sometimes those sofa cushions are just glued to my back side.
Every morning getting dressed, I remind myself why I want to lose weight, thank you full length mirror.
- Friday Dec 28, 2001
Made it through day 1. Drank all the water, but I didn't get the excerise in. I could have, but I didn't and I don't even have an excuse. Today I leave work early and will have plenty of time to do it. My neighborhood isn't the safest during the dark hours. I usually find time enough to exercise during the weekend too, don't working take alot out of you?
Hope you all have a great weekend.
- Thursday Dec 27, 2001
Wow, day one is just about complete. No temptations today that I couldn't handle. There is a gallon jar of M & Ms on my service counter that will be moved out into the processing area because every once in a while I hear them scream my name, so they gotta go.
I was thinking how sometimes I miss my exhusband who always reminded me when I was getting fat. Well I haven't had that exhusband around so I ate at will. I can just remember when I could run 7 miles a day and now I have no motivation to even get up in the mornings. I'm hoping all that will change but right now I'm having trouble walking a mile. Persistence is the key.
Today I had an apple for breakfast, a chicken breast and a small salad for lunch. I will have broiled hamburger and some egg noodles for dinner and an orange. My biggest weakness is bread. I'm not normal I tell ya, I can down a whole loaf of bread in one day, no problem. So that is on the 'allergic list' of foods I have made for myself which consists of M & Ms of any kind (I used to have the excuse that if they were peanut butter M & Ms or peanut M & Ms, the ones I don't like so they wouldn't count against me) bread and diet coke.
- Wednesday Dec 26, 2001
I hope all of you had a great holiday. I have come to the conclusion that just a user nickname change isn't going to help me all that much. I have lost all hope and motivation. I come and read here everyday and think, tomorrow I will start again, but things just don't work out that way. The mind is willing, but the flesh is weak. I used to read Rader all the time, but I guess he is on vacation. I'm not going to wait until the start of the new year, I'm going to start tomorrow morning. Having Christmas day off was like having two Monday's in one week. Ugh. This morning I was aggravated because the stupid seat belt is twisted and I couldn't get it around my great girth. I had to stand out in the cold and fiddle with the darn thing until it 'untwisted' enough to extend longer.
My mother even informed me Christmas Day, that my face was fatter. Thanks mom, I know you mean well. I had pictures developed from Thanksgiving Day, oh, yeah, it's confirmed. I'm a huge cow. My New Year's resolution is to not buy anymore clothes in a larger size. I couldn't believe a pair of pants I bought last week was a size 22. I don't want to be a size six mind you, but I don't want to be a 22, heck I think an 18 would even make me feel better.
I want to do so much, like wear a bathing suit and not remind everyone of a beached whale, I want to wear short sleeve shirts without a slab of fat hanging from my arms, I want to wear a belt and tuck my shirts in, I want to go to a water park with my son, without him being embarrased. Of all the things I want and can actually see in my mind, because I was there once, why can't I apply that to my everyday life style? Why is it so hard? Maybe I will find the answer on my journey to the lesser me.
I wish you all well and continued success.
- Tuesday Dec 11, 2001
It's time to start with my lifestyle change again. I tried and tried but my willpower and conscious are just so strong. I'll be standing in line at the cafeteria getting breakfast, which usually consists of three sugar cookies, when that little inner voice will say something to the effect of, "you should really have a piece of fruit, because you really need to lose weight, you are getting so fat." I don't listen, I get the cookies anyway. Then I have a bad day at work and just pig out at home. I've heard it called binging but I never put myself in that category. It's not one piece of bread, its the entire loaf. The bread was so soft and fresh and tasted so good. It wasn't one slice of pizza, it was the whole thing. I bought a box of Little Debbie snack cakes, five packages of two each. I had three packages for dinner and the remaining two for breakfast the next morning. All the while that voice is saying. "What in the hell is wrong with you, why can't you stop?"
I was talking to Monique, a girl at work, and was telling her of my woes. I told her I saw a girl at the store who I wanted to look like (size wise) I just thought she was so beautiful. Monique said, you are beautiful. I said thank you, but I'm not happy, and I'm lonely. I can't find anyone to like me at the size I am now (well I don't go out and look either). The conversation went on and she finally told me it sounded like I was searching for InnerPeace. So now instead of having a nickname that just got me down by logging onto Diet Diaries, I'll have a nickname that keeps my mind on what I'm actually trying to do.
I even went out and bought me a high-speed digital scale. It read 253 last night, I swore to myself I would never get over 250. We'll see what happens.