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InnerPeace - Wednesday Jan 02, 2002

Weight: 253.0

Happy New Year to you all. I really didn't do much of anything, that is including sticking to my plan, but this is a new year and things can only get better. I was around a bunch of pessimists New Year's Eve and that didn't help matters any.

Why are you going to make a New Year's resolution? They asked. You didn't keep the one you made last year, which just happened to be the same one I'm making now. Well for many reasons, if I lose weight and get comfortable with my looks again, maybe I could spend it with someone who loves me, instead of being here listening to you remind me of my failures.

Yesterday my son asks me what I'm doing, I say nothing, he adds, now would be a great time to go walk. I say, sure if it wasn't 20 degrees outside. He says, walk on the treadmill. I had nothing to say to that, but I just couldn't get motivated enough to do it. I swear sometimes those sofa cushions are just glued to my back side.

Every morning getting dressed, I remind myself why I want to lose weight, thank you full length mirror.

nsbratt on 01/02/2002:
HAPPY NEW YEAR !!It was nice of your son to remind you to walk but I can relate to the low self motivation I really have to push myself to walk even after walking a lot over the past few years but I'm always glad after I get going and proud of myself for moving it even if I only walk for 10 or 15 minutes at a time,Take that first step you'll be glad you did. GOOD LUCK


RareDiamond on 01/02/2002:
Sometimes, it takes children to help motivate us. He wants to see you healthy and happy.


halley on 01/02/2002:
I'm not sure if it would help, but you could choose a time to exercise say 7:00 - then it isn't so vague like "I need to exercise tonight" instead it becomes - "I'm going to exercise at 7:00" not much of a difference - but maybe!


Crittermama on 01/02/2002:
I know how it is to be around negative people. I live with one and he makes it SO difficult on me. Don't be afraid to fail. Simply look at it as a lesson. Learn from mistakes and press on. The important thing is that you don't quit. Good luck and fail til you succeed. God bless.


stellastarr on 01/03/2002:
Hello again. Missed you. You know what? It is so natural to give in to temptation when you have a big project in front of you. I am sure that you knew of that syndrome when you were a school girl, waiting (perhaps :) unti the last minute to do an assignment that was assigned weeks previously? :) Human nature. Embrace it and just keep beginning again because EVERY single effort will add up to something. I just want to give you a hug and beg you to realize how beautiful you are. I had an experience once. I was 250 something. Somebody kind of nice seemed to be pursuing me. He was an athletic type and five years younger than me. He had a great profession that he loved, had never been married, built his own place in the woods and was as FIT as they come. He was always training for bicycle races. Each and every summer he bicycled all the way from Astoria, OR to Missouri! I could not believe that he could care for me, yet all he did is show up with gifts and more and more invitations. I just froze up when I was near him and I THOUGHT that it was because as a recent and young widow, I was not ready to be free of my husband. A couple of years went by and I met that great guy in the grocery store. We spoke and he was so nice still. I went with him for coffee and we talked and he begged me to tell him what the problem was..... why I could not warm to him. He said: "I just fought through every "no" sign that you gave me until my ego was just a mess.... what was it? In that very second, Jo, I knew! It was me! I was so uncomfortable with myself, with my weight... I WANTED love and care. I was very lonely, yet, I simply could not believe that I could be lovely to anyone at that weight. Try to remember that you are lovely. That you are lovely and of a fine character and a hard worker and a proud mother. Try to walk with that awareness, Honey. Try to invite contact with your love of yourself. I have seen your photo and I believe so sincerely that you have simply lost your confidence. :) Go get 'em!!!!! Love.


frogger on 01/03/2002:
It sounds like your son is trying to support you. Never mind the failures, we all have them, focus on the small successes, even if it's just that for today, you didn't once have a negative thought.

Today, maybe you could start with a 20 minute walk. Bundle up, walking in cold weather burns more calories than walking in the summer.

Good luck


Maria7 on 01/03/2002:
Come on, you CAN do it! Love, Maria



InnerPeace - Friday Dec 28, 2001

Weight: 253.0

Made it through day 1. Drank all the water, but I didn't get the excerise in. I could have, but I didn't and I don't even have an excuse. Today I leave work early and will have plenty of time to do it. My neighborhood isn't the safest during the dark hours. I usually find time enough to exercise during the weekend too, don't working take alot out of you?

Hope you all have a great weekend.

kyrin on 12/28/2001:
Hey! Congrats on making it through Day 1! LOL Sometimes it's just hard to get into the mood to move those buns! ...but execise will make you feel even better. So move it, cutie!

You can do it! I know you can. (Lying on the floor and working those muscles as you watch TV counts too, you know. {Some days you have to do whtever you can.}

Hugs!

Christy


CharlieAngel on 12/28/2001:
Just take baby steps and give yourself a pat on the back for drinking all your water. One day at a time and before you know it you will be making great strides at losing the weight! I totally understand your exercise situation....it is my hardest thing to motivate myself to do it, but just don't give up! Take care and have a great weekend...love, Charlotte


halley on 12/28/2001:
Let us know how the exercise went - OK?


stellastarr on 12/30/2001:
It is late Saturday - Early Sunday morning here on the Olympic Peninsula, 12:50 A.M. (PST). I was thinking about you and missing you. I hope that your weekend is a revitalizing one. Take good care of yourself, Sweetie. That is one of the MAIN components of this whole deal.... One gets down and the jouney seems unbearable long and then when we are "down" our defences join our soul there and we desperately need comfort .... we recall the comfort component of the foods we love and miss. We have a little and then alot and then soon we are back into the depressive mode. I just want something wonderful for you. I think it is so exiciting that you want to date .... that you have that energy for another with all that you do working jobs and caring for your son. It is a sickening thing the way precious and friendly and loving and gorgeous women are passed by for someone with a certain type of "look". It is all such an illusion. Beauty is beauty is beauty is beauty. Hearts matter the most in my mind. Hearts and character and generosity of spirit. It is SO absolutely clear that you shine in all areas. You know, when I started here on March 19 this year, I was so desperate..... I think that I weighed 253 that next day when I actually weighed myself....found this site in the middle of the night, sobbing because Husband had said something so negative about my abiity to have ANY kind of resolve. I think that I reacted so strongly because I felt that he was right. That had been my pattern. Some miracle involving God and friendships here at this site and courage which came seemingly out of "nowhere" :) caused me to feel quite smug about my ability to get my monsters under control. It turns out that I am going to have to enter a higher weight on January 1. I have been celebrating a little TOO much :) and yes, sometimes that exercise just does NOT happen. But, I am going to be right ON it on the 1st. I can feel it and I have great confidence in myself just now. I am writing this to share that with you and to tell you that I certainly know what a lonely and long battle it is. And, we are on this net to each other for only moments really of a twenty-four hour day. So, as Rader so eloquently said once (and which I will try to at least paraphrase) "The work we do is done in our many quiet and private hours and moments. On here we speak of our hopes to win the battle and the skirmishes we have, but it isn't the work. The WORK is that which we trust each one to do on their own. It is always rough. Like watching a todler, right?! :) This one is thinking of you. Love, Connie



InnerPeace - Thursday Dec 27, 2001

Weight: 253.0

Wow, day one is just about complete. No temptations today that I couldn't handle. There is a gallon jar of M & Ms on my service counter that will be moved out into the processing area because every once in a while I hear them scream my name, so they gotta go.

I was thinking how sometimes I miss my exhusband who always reminded me when I was getting fat. Well I haven't had that exhusband around so I ate at will. I can just remember when I could run 7 miles a day and now I have no motivation to even get up in the mornings. I'm hoping all that will change but right now I'm having trouble walking a mile. Persistence is the key.

Today I had an apple for breakfast, a chicken breast and a small salad for lunch. I will have broiled hamburger and some egg noodles for dinner and an orange. My biggest weakness is bread. I'm not normal I tell ya, I can down a whole loaf of bread in one day, no problem. So that is on the 'allergic list' of foods I have made for myself which consists of M & Ms of any kind (I used to have the excuse that if they were peanut butter M & Ms or peanut M & Ms, the ones I don't like so they wouldn't count against me) bread and diet coke.

CharlieAngel on 12/27/2001:
I think that you did wonderful today...and the key is to avoid those trigger foods. I know that I sometimes pass by the M&M jar and just grab a handful...but when I pass it 17 times a day...how many empty calories am I consuming that did nothing to really satisfy me? Just take it one step and one day at a time. Welcome and hope to learn all about you!! Have a blessed evening, Charlotte


halley on 12/27/2001:
7 miles? Wow! I could never run that far! I hope you make it back!



InnerPeace - Wednesday Dec 26, 2001

Weight: 253.0

I hope all of you had a great holiday. I have come to the conclusion that just a user nickname change isn't going to help me all that much. I have lost all hope and motivation. I come and read here everyday and think, tomorrow I will start again, but things just don't work out that way. The mind is willing, but the flesh is weak. I used to read Rader all the time, but I guess he is on vacation. I'm not going to wait until the start of the new year, I'm going to start tomorrow morning. Having Christmas day off was like having two Monday's in one week. Ugh. This morning I was aggravated because the stupid seat belt is twisted and I couldn't get it around my great girth. I had to stand out in the cold and fiddle with the darn thing until it 'untwisted' enough to extend longer.

My mother even informed me Christmas Day, that my face was fatter. Thanks mom, I know you mean well. I had pictures developed from Thanksgiving Day, oh, yeah, it's confirmed. I'm a huge cow. My New Year's resolution is to not buy anymore clothes in a larger size. I couldn't believe a pair of pants I bought last week was a size 22. I don't want to be a size six mind you, but I don't want to be a 22, heck I think an 18 would even make me feel better.

I want to do so much, like wear a bathing suit and not remind everyone of a beached whale, I want to wear short sleeve shirts without a slab of fat hanging from my arms, I want to wear a belt and tuck my shirts in, I want to go to a water park with my son, without him being embarrased. Of all the things I want and can actually see in my mind, because I was there once, why can't I apply that to my everyday life style? Why is it so hard? Maybe I will find the answer on my journey to the lesser me.

I wish you all well and continued success.

kyrin on 12/26/2001:
I'll start with you tomorrow. I was going to wait until the new year, but something is teeling me that I need to get my self moving now. Let's go!

Hugs!

Christy P.S. What was your old user id?


kyrin on 12/26/2001:
Jo! It's you! Welcome back!!!!

Re: your question about the birthday gifts... Definitely! My mother was really bad about wrapping birthday gifts for my sister and me in Christmas paper by mistake. Then when we opened them, she would say, "Oh, that one's for your birthday." Since we've gotten older and have moved far enough away that we get the packages in the mail, we just save one for the next day. Sometimes, mom even remembers to wrap one in birthday paper. Guess that's progress. {grins}

I am <i>soooo</i> ready to get going! I even went out and braved the after-Christmas sales craziness at Wal-Mart so that I could walk around and have fun watching everyone load their buggies. LOL

Have a terrific day, Jo! ...and I'm glad that you're back!

Hugs!

Christy


yoyo on 12/26/2001:
hi there.try not to give up hope yet. believe me,you can do it. i was over 225 pounds at one time. about 3 years ago i decided it was time to change. i was tired of feeling ugly and unattractive. so i completely changed my lifestyle and lost 95 pounds. i have gained some back but have lost it again. my point is try not to feel hopeless and don't pay attention to what other people say about your weight. take care


Iti on 12/26/2001:
Hey! Don't loose hope. I know that right now it seems like a far away goal but you need to do it now! Start off by walking at least 15 minutes a day. Drink at least 64 oz. of water and I gurantee that you'll see a change quickly! Start right away. Why loose your life being miserable. Look at Halley! Read her entries...she did it, why can't we. I'm right here with you. You, Kyrin and I are starting tomorrow. I look forward to reading your entries. I will pray for God to give you strength. Let's get going and loose some of this! (((BIG HUG))) Iti.


Jelly Belly on 12/26/2001:
What was your name before? I emailed Radar and he said that since he was where he wanted to be weight wise, he would just check in once a month. Maybe you could email him and tell him how much he encourages people. Try this site, it's my favorite. www.onephatman.com Sounds like you need support. Have you ever tried Weight Watchers? There's a whole lot of people that feel the same as you do. This site is great for support too.


Soon2BThin on 12/26/2001:
I'm sending you a big hug {{hug}} because you sound so sad. I wish that could help you feel better. We've all felt what you're feeling though, believe me. We know what we want so much, why can't we just do what we know we have to to get there?! Try not to be so hard on yourself. I think if you keep coming here, it just may help. Take care & good luck.


halley on 12/26/2001:
Hey there! There are so many tips and tricks to losing weight, but the truth is you have to just start and then just keep going. I spent a lot of time on the internet at first - reading EVERYTHING about losing. Try onephatman.com, his journal really helps, but start at the beginning!



InnerPeace - Tuesday Dec 11, 2001

Weight: 253.0

It's time to start with my lifestyle change again. I tried and tried but my willpower and conscious are just so strong. I'll be standing in line at the cafeteria getting breakfast, which usually consists of three sugar cookies, when that little inner voice will say something to the effect of, "you should really have a piece of fruit, because you really need to lose weight, you are getting so fat." I don't listen, I get the cookies anyway. Then I have a bad day at work and just pig out at home. I've heard it called binging but I never put myself in that category. It's not one piece of bread, its the entire loaf. The bread was so soft and fresh and tasted so good. It wasn't one slice of pizza, it was the whole thing. I bought a box of Little Debbie snack cakes, five packages of two each. I had three packages for dinner and the remaining two for breakfast the next morning. All the while that voice is saying. "What in the hell is wrong with you, why can't you stop?"

I was talking to Monique, a girl at work, and was telling her of my woes. I told her I saw a girl at the store who I wanted to look like (size wise) I just thought she was so beautiful. Monique said, you are beautiful. I said thank you, but I'm not happy, and I'm lonely. I can't find anyone to like me at the size I am now (well I don't go out and look either). The conversation went on and she finally told me it sounded like I was searching for InnerPeace. So now instead of having a nickname that just got me down by logging onto Diet Diaries, I'll have a nickname that keeps my mind on what I'm actually trying to do.

I even went out and bought me a high-speed digital scale. It read 253 last night, I swore to myself I would never get over 250. We'll see what happens.

Maria7 on 12/11/2001:
Hello, I'm Maria7...welcome to DD...yest, you CAN do it and it is easier to do it here because there is lots of support here. Begin tomorrow morning, have a piece of fruit and a mug of coffee. Lunch, try to do without bread and desert. Sup...try a salad, a large salad, but go easy on the dressing. Do you exercise? Walking is good, even if only a few minutes. Love, Maria


stacy on 12/11/2001:
Innerpeace,

You can do this, about 3 months ago I felt the same exact way you do!!I wanted to loose weight so bad but everytime It was time to eat I always said alright next meal let me just eat this one more time, well finally I had enought.

I really think that the key to my success this time has been the great sites that I belong to. If you have someone tell you how great you are doing, then you will continue.

And believe me, weight loss gets addictive, the first time you have a loss, the feeling that it gives you is better then anything you eat could taste!

I started at 250 and in the last 3 months I have gotten down to 219 and am hoping to break 200 by Feb. I would like to invite you to good look threw my enteries and see how I was in the begining. If I can do this you can too.

Wishing you great success, Stacy


halley on 12/11/2001:
You have so much to say in your entry. Start with breakfast - if you KNOW you can't say no to the cookies then don't even get in the line. Drink a SLimfast and have a piece of fruit before you even get to work (School) Change your behavior a little at a time. We all have trouble saying no - but in the beginning just try to avoid those situatuins. Later, once you have more control you can try being faced with those choices and using your new strength to make the right decision. And in the meantime - if you find yourself eating something that you think you shouldn't - quit eating when it stops tasting good or when you are full. At least eat less! Good luck!


traya on 12/11/2001:
I know how you feel because I've been there myself a few times this year! I was crying one night begging my husband to break my jaw so I would stop eating! :-) But, here I am again. You can't fail if you don't give up! Start by staying away from the cafeteria!!! My first rule when I got back to it was to avoid cafeteria at work and NEVER stop at a Fast Food restaurant. I pack my food for work every day and refuse to eat anything that I do not take with me. If you can start with that you will do great. I pack an Oatmeal packet for breakfast, fruit for morning and afternoon snacks, and a weight watchers frozen entre' for lunch. I drink only water and coffee. When I get home I eat a sensible dinner and do my exercises. Good luck with whatever "plan" you use! Important also to journal every day! Keep us posted! tammy :-)


collegegirl on 12/11/2001:
You can do this! the first day is the hardest. try not to think of it as "never having anything good again" but rather, having treats once in a while. it isn't so bad, and once you start eating right, you don't want that stuff anymore anyway. good luck! you can always email us if you need extra support. ALso, do you have a friend who is dieting too? A friend of mine and I are doing it together and it's a lot easier. See you!


CharlieAngel on 12/12/2001:
You ARE beautiful, and you CAN do this. Baby steps is the key. Work on my bad habit at a time. I think it is wonderful that you are seeking INNERPEACE! So many of us just try to deal with losing weight by controlling our food intake and exercising. But we all have "issues" when it comes to food and if we don't address these problems, we will be on this journey again and again. Keep shooting for that tranquil feeling that comes with being in love with yourself. Take care, welcome, and hope that you make many new freinds and reach all your goals. Be blessed. Charlotte



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