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Runner - Sunday Mar 12, 2006
(Under 1300 calories)
Weight: 122.5

How could I wake up to 122.5 today?

Although I made poor food choices yesterday, I doubt I was over 1600 calories.

I'm so discouraged! Why is it so hard for me to get to 120 and then stay there? My goal was to lose 1/2 pound from last Monday to this Monday. Instead, I "gained" 1/2 pound. Of course, maybe it's a fluctuation, but I've spent a lot more time at 122.5 than I have at 120 lately!

It's amazing how different I feel today...2 1/2 pounds DOES make a difference!

Goal today: NO CANDY; NO SWEETS.

borntocry on 03/13/2006:
Hi Runner,

I know how you feel! But I guess it was really too much to expect go from 122.5 lb to 120 lb in one night and stay there! You wouldn't normally expect to lose 2.5 lb in under a week, would you? So give it a few days.

One thing that worries me, though, is that from what you've said in the past, I get the impression that you rarely feel hungry. Personally, I don't think it's possible to lose weight without feeling hungry - hunger is your body's way of warning you that you need to take in more calories to maintain your weight. As you are an athlete, you may have trained yourself to listen to your body and respond to its cues. But that might not be the best way to lose weight. I can quite often tell when I'm losing weight - I go to bed hungry, wake up starving, feel tired and weak when I run, etc. I know this sounds unhealthy but losing weight <i>is</i> unhealthy - at least that is what our bodies have been programmed to think. And let's face it, 120-125 lb is actually a pretty healthy weight for us. I'm not saying we should be happy at that weight, but just that unlike people who are truly overweight, we can't expect to lose a few pounds just by following a "healthy" diet.

Based on what you said, I do think that your body seems to have become pretty efficient - in the last few years you have learnt how to maintain your weight through a balanced diet and exercise. Only now you need to lose weight again, and that's not enough. You say that your heart rate doesn't go up much when you run. That's incredible! You must be remarkably fit. But on the other hand, I wonder if you are burning as many calories as the rest of us huffing and puffing out there! Isn't there any way you could change your exercise routine to challenge yourself more? What if you tried sprinting or speedwork? Surely your heart rate would go up then!

I don't know if this will really be much use to you, as I'm sure you're already doing your best... I just want to help in any way that I can!

Anyway, thanks for the comment you left me! It's a pity you didn't sign up for the race next Sunday! I hate how these races are so expensive and non-refundable too. There are several charity races here in the fall but I don't know what condition I will be in at that time so I'm not sure whether to sign up for them!

My "official" goal time for my next half-marathon is 2h05, but secretly I would like to do it in under 2 hours if I can! I can't even imagine running 8 minute miles, let alone 6:40 miles - I don't think I could run even one mile that fast! How did you get your time down so much? Did it just happen automatically the more you ran or were you always trying to improve your time?

Oh and just to clarify what I wrote in my entry, I didn't sprint at the end of the race - that was just when I was out running on Saturday. I wish I could have done it at the race! Next time I'm going to make sure I'm well-hydrated so I don't get those nasty stomach cramps!


borntocry on 03/13/2006:
Hey, I just got the comment you left me today. Don't be silly - of course I didn't think you were bragging! You know I worship the ground you walk on! And anyway, I'm so used to my husband's endless bragging that by comparison everyone else is the very picture of modesty!


geevee on 03/13/2006:
I know the feeling! The same thing has been happening to me for 2� months. It's as if my body is refusing to budge from this weight. It might allow a momentary drop but quickly goes right back to 132. A half pound sounds like so little, but it sure isn't to me! It might as well be twenty pounds. I wish I knew what the answer is.



Runner - Sunday Mar 12, 2006
(Under 1300 calories)
Weight: 120.0

I finally took two steps forward...and am two pounds down! I am holding my breath, as I haven't seen 120 in sooo long...but I am closer to 119.5 than I've been for awhile!

I had a really good day yesterday, but today has been a bit challenging, as it always is at church. Although I didn't overdo it, I did eat a nice piece of peanut-butter-chocolate cake, which I'm sure was loaded with calories, as it tasted unbelievably delicious! And I had 1/2 a piece of coconut cake, too, even though I don't like coconut! But this cake was so moist that I just had to try it! I scraped the coconut off the whipped cream frosting and ate the rest of it.

But I'm going to be careful the rest of the day because I don't want to blow my chance to get back in the teens soon! Also, I want to be under 122 tomorrow morning so I can say that I actually LOST at least 1/2 pound this week! It's been so long since I've been able to say that!

borntocry on 03/12/2006:
Yay!! Way to go, Runner! I'm so happy for you! I guess your hard work recently really did pay off - you just didn't see it on the scale right away.

You know when I first got my scale, I had this naive dream that I might be able to lose 0.1 lb a day? And I thought that if I could just do that, I'd be happy. And 0.1 lb isn't even that much! But of course, now I know that it just doesn't work that way. For instance, last week I gained 5 lb in 5 days, and then yesterday I just lost 2 lb overnight! And I won't be surprised if my weight is up again a little bit tomorrow. So don't be upset if you hover around 120 for a couple of days before you see another drop. It will come, just keep doing what you're doing and be patient!

And thanks for your comment about my husband's ex-girlfriend. I also believe that it's not a quite right for a girl to discuss her marital problems with a married guy! In fact, I make sure never to discuss any problems I might have with my husband with ANY guy, married or not, because I want to be sure not to give anyone the wrong idea! But my husband just doesn't see it that way. He thinks that I should be more "secure" in his love for me. Also, it's interesting that you should ask where that girl lives, because my husband has been insisting that there's nothing to worry about as she lives in America. But she's the daughter of a Texas oil magnate so money is no object for her and she's already suggested dropping by so she can hang out with "us"! My husband found that really amusing, but I have no desire to hang out with this girl! She's tall, skinny, blonde... and I know my husband thinks she's pretty. Of course, he does say that I'm prettier, but I know I'm going to be jealous. It's just a bad idea!


monet0239 on 03/12/2006:
wo0o0o0o0ho0o0o miss 120.. you go girl!!..

those cakes sound delish.. but i know youll do great the rest of the day.. I know you dont want to see that scale go back up.. so you have a wonderful sweetie.. hugsss



Runner - Thursday Mar 09, 2006
(Under 1300 calories)
Weight: 122.5

Two more steps back.

Yesterday SHOULD have been a stellar day. I had the best workouts ever (1 hour running, 1 hour hiking, 1/2 hour aerobic and weight lifting, 2 hours walking) and made smart food choices until I decided to get creative in the kitchen. Two hours later, I had the most amazing dessert in front of me---lemon-poppyseed-muffin-chocolate-truffle-macadamia-nut-lemon-pudding-trifle. (what a mouthful!)

I ate some of it, but brought the rest in to work today. I don't feel like I went overboard, but obviously, I couldn't stay under 1200 calories with the extra goodies before bed. So I was probably at 1700 calories, and the scale only budged slighly upward this morning. UGH! I used to be able to eat 1700 calories while being so active, but not anymore!

And by the way...I didn't get in all that exercise at once...are you kidding? I ran for an hour in the morning, walked for an hour at lunchtime, did the hike and weight-lifting after work, and took a walk with my husband before bed. But I have to keep reminding myself that exercise alone is NOT going to make the scale budge.

Why can I be so disciplined in my workouts and then so lazy in my eating?

My goal for today: NO CANDY.

borntocry on 03/10/2006:
Hi Runner,

Well, you spent the whole day exercising so you only really had time to eat right before you went to bed, and while I don't believe that we store more fat that way, it doesn't really give our bodies much time to process those carbohydrates before we get on the scale the next morning. And you didn't even have that much of the dessert, so I'm sure your weight will be back down tomorrow.

You know, after almost 5 hours of exercise, it's not really that surprisingly that you couldn't stick to 1200 calories. You probably burned over 1200 calories through exercise alone! I often think of how Princess Teacup said that she found it harder to lose weight the more she exercised, because it made her so hungry. Sometimes that does seem to be the case, but on the other hand, doesn't exercise make us hungry because it burns calories? So shouldn't that offset any extra calories we may consume afterwards? It's so confusing...

But I've decided that I'm never going to criticise you for your love of running again. That last time I ran home from work I realised that if I could feel so exhilarated at just a few seconds per mile faster than my usual pace, I certainly have no idea how great you must feel at, what was it, 8 minutes per mile?! Now I can see why you enjoy it so much!


sweetpea1977 on 03/10/2006:
Hey Runner,

That dessert is a mouthful, did you invent it? Sounds very heavenly!

I am amazed at how much exercise you are able to work into one day. I wish I had that much free time to dedicate to physical activity. Im envious!

Keep up the fight Runner. Take it one hour at a time if you have to. :o)

Jenny



Runner - Wednesday Mar 08, 2006
(Under 1300 calories)
Weight: 122.5

I constantly feel like I take one step forward and two steps back. My eating is okay, it really is. Sure, sometimes I don't make the best choices (angel food cake for dinner?), but I'm keeping my calories low, and isn't a calorie a calorie? Not on my body, I guess.

Anyway, I just can't seem to break 122 right now...how could I have seen 120.5 last week after a salty meal out? Who knows? All I know is that I have to take this one day at a time.

BTC gave me some good suggestions on how to eat 1200 calories a day, and the whole volumetrics thing is also a good approach. This is how I'd like it to go:

Breakfast- 300 cal. Lunch- 300 cal. Afternoon snack- 150 cal. Dinner- 300 cal. Night snack- 150 cal.

There. That shouldn't be so hard, right? Unless food temptations come my way! But if they do, then I'll just have to ask myself, "Will that make me feel better about myself?" No, it probably won't! And if the scale is up the next day, it definitely won't!

Nothing tastes as good as feeling thin.

And it's been a looooong time since I've felt thin!

sweetpea1977 on 03/09/2006:
Hey Runner,

Mmm...angel cake! Tasty, but not a good choice for dinner. :o)

Personally, I have found that writing down my food and activity plan in advance helps me stay on track. Perhaps all you need to do is write down your "to do" list every morning to help assist you through each day. That way, you will be forced to be accountable for all your actions. Anyway, thats just my two cents...

The main thing is to do what you said. Take this one day at a time. You can do it Runner!

Love ya, Jenny


geevee on 03/09/2006:
Runner, You echo my very words! It all sounds so logical and simple, but try tohave a satisfying 300 cal. meal! Everything I like is 400-450! I've found that having a big, hearty sandwich for 400-500 calories mid-day will keep me happy for hours and my mind off food. Andyou know I'm a firm adherent to Volumetrics. In fact, I had such a large portion of broccoli and cauliflower last night, that for the first time in age I finnally felt full! There was no evening snacking at all!

So, do consider these alternativesd to the logical 300 cal. per meal plan + 150 for snacks. Logic doesn't always work.


borntocry on 03/09/2006:
Hi Runner,

Hey, angel food cake is fat-free, isn't it?

I do agree with geevee that it is hard to have a good meal for 300 calories. A bowl of soup or a plate of vegetables is just about all I can manage. But you can have quite a nice assortment of smaller dishes, and while they might not quite as filling as a big, hearty sandwich, the variety can be pretty satisfying. Sometimes my dinner might consist of a scrambled egg, a bowl of peas, and a bowl of polenta, for instance. I have them one at a time and that stretches it out and makes me feel like I've eaten more than I actually have.

Thanks for the birthday greetings! And for your advice on my next race. I've decided that I'm not going to train too hard for this one. I'm going to take it easy and just try to have fun (and make sure I learn to hydrate properly!). Thanks also for your advice on running with my friend. I thought that perhaps since you seem to know other runners, you might have some experience racing with other people. But I guess you don't know a lot of other people who can keep up with you, you superstar! Anyway, I'll do what you suggested and talk it over with my friend. She is a very easy-going person so I know she won't mind. I was just feeling a little bit guilty because I was the one who talked her into signing up for this race, but you're right, she might actually be relieved to know that I don't expect her to keep up with me the whole time.

Unfortunately I don't have any other pictures of my first race! My husband forgot to take the camera so all I have is that one official picture. I haven't even ordered the actual photograph - all I have is this low-resolution preview. I'm afraid of how dreadful I might look in high-resolution! I was really suffering at the time and had sweat and hair plastered all over my face, which luckily didn't show up in the preview!

I was shocked to read what you wrote about the ultra-marathon runners, by the way. That's scary! Were you talking about women or men too?



Runner - Tuesday Mar 07, 2006
(Under 1300 calories)
Weight: 122.0

Well, 122 is still not where I want to be, but it's better than 123. When did dieting become so hard? Yesterday should have been a 1200 calorie day, but it was more like 1500. I got lazy at a social gathering at night and snacked on what should have been "off-limits" food---yogurt-covered raisins, paper-thin beef jerkey, etc.

So...today is a new day! I really think that I'm going to have to have about 2 weeks of "under 1300 calorie" days before I start to see real results. It's amazing how quickly I put on the 10 pounds, considering it will take a long time to just lose 5 of them! My body is incredibly stubborn, and it took me a full year to lose 5 pounds a couple of years ago. Of course, I could just try a juice fast for 3 days or something, but I know I'd just lose water weight, and I'm ready to lose the weight for GOOD, not just temporarily.

Five pounds is my goal. If I can lose 5 pounds, I'll make another goal. But five little pounds is all I need to start fitting into my pants again.

borntocry on 03/08/2006:
Hi, My Favourite Runner!

122 may not be where you want to be, but you can't expect to get there overnight! At least it's a step in the right direction. You never know, you gained this weight so quickly, it might come off just as quickly. After all you and I gained weight at pretty much the same rate last year (I compared our charts) and it only took me a couple of months to lose 5 lb once I really got going. Just give it time. And 1500 calories isn't bad for a day involving a social gathering. I know that you go to a lot more of those than I do so you have to be vigilant, but I consider that a pretty good day all the same.

Thanks for the comment you left me. So your weight always goes up after a half-marathon, too? I wonder why that is. And why didn't you warn me?! I'm trying not to stress out about it too much, but I would have liked to be able to indulge a little on my birthday without worrying about my weight. But hey, the half-marathon is worth a couple of extra pounds, for sure!

I have been expecting some changes in my monthly cycle, but so far, there hasn't been anything too dramatic, although I've noticed that I always bleed a little after a long run (including the race). It probably helps that I'm still on the pill. Thanks for the warning, though!

As for my next half-marathon... well, it's actually less than four weeks from now. I didn't realise I was supposed to wait three months! And now I've already signed up for it, and with a friend, too. We're going to Berlin together and as our dates coincided with the Berlin half-marathon I asked her if she wanted to do it with me, and she (rather hesitantly) agreed. I wanted to ask you about that, actually - what's the etiquette on running with a friend? Do we have to stick together throughout the race? My husband says we do, but I was just expecting to start with her and maybe do the first half together. Of course I'll talk to her about it beforehand but I just wanted to know what the usual understanding is in this kind of situation.

Oh and as for the shoes, I wore the old ones! They were great, too!


sweetpea1977 on 03/08/2006:
Hey Runner,

Im sorry about your news of not being pregnant, but I am glad that you and your husband seem to be ok with it.

So, you are now able to re-focus your attention on your weight loss. I think the BTC approach is good way to do it, as it seems to work very well for her. It may take some time to wean yourself down to the lower calorie levels, but I think it will really work for you. Of course, with you running again, make sure you get enough calories to keep up your strength during your runs.

You can do it!

Jenny


geevee on 03/08/2006:
"When did dieting become so hard?" That's exactly what I've been asking myself. It's difficult to believe all the weight I was able to lose and then stop. Period. The only thing that kept me going was your experience with those last "stubborn" 5 pounds you mentioned again in today's entry.

As for going two weeks at under 1300 calories a day, that's a big problem. I don't have a problem with it for 6-7 days, and then I lose it! Like gorging on the chicken skin, something I never, ever did before, knowing full well about the skin but that didn't deter me. After I poured off 12oz of fat, that crispy browned skin didn't seem as dangerous as it was.

At least the "bloat" from that fest is gone and I'm feeling more comfortable. It was a good reminder of just why I can't be reckless in what I eat.



Runner - Monday Mar 06, 2006
(Under 1300 calories)
Weight: 122.5

I'm not pregnant.

So...it's time to move on. I wish I could just go back and re-do the last two months, but I can't. So here I am...five pounds heavier and a couple thousand bucks poorer.

I'm unbelievably bloated right now, which worries me a bit. My period did start last night, but if the bloating doesn't subside soon, I'm going to go back to the doctor. I know there's always a chance for an ectopic pregnancy, even though I probably am not having one of those. But it's strange---I did have quite a few of those "early pregnancy" symptoms (like sore breasts, bloating, tiredness, etc.), but it's probably due to all the hormones.

Anyway...the bottom line is that I'm doing pretty well with my calories and am back to real workouts, but I have yet to see a drop in the scale since last week. It's so frustrating. I've never had such a hard time dropping a pound! And the pairs of pants I can wear right now are becoming fewer and fewer.

I sure hope this menstrual cycle just cleans me out of all those hormones and whatever else I put in my body these last two months. I want to feel new again...and I don't want to gain ANY MORE WEIGHT. NONE! From now on, I'm going to be a LOSER, not a GAINER!

monet0239 on 03/06/2006:
Hi sweetie.. I am sorry your not pregnant yet hun.. :O(.. hugs..I hope you will get what you want very soon .. I will send some prayers up for you and your husband.

stay focused on your loosing weight hun and it will happen..:O).. we are all here for ya.. hugssss


smiley2 on 03/07/2006:
Hi Runner,

I am sorry to hear that you are not pregnant, its always an emotional rollercoaster and even though you gained the weight, i guess a part of you wish that you were pregnant, but its not meant to be for now, so you can focus on what you do best, which is running and begin thin hehe. Im serious i use to read your diaries and think wow, this girl keeps her weight down and she does it sooo good. I still look up to you and believe that if its meant to be you will become pregnant one day and the treatments will work. If not, adoption i always an option. I know a lot of people that can have children but they chose to adopt, so in the end, like i always say, its your choice.

You asked about the States, well my hubby was there for 9 years and me for 2. When i was with him we were mostly in California, San Franciso and we lived in Southern California for a while. I loved it there, but it was just too lonely for us and too far from the rest of the world, so we decided to come back. We will probably go to the UK end of next year to work, its more in the middle of the world and easier to travel to South Africa if you know what i mean.

Have a good day and try to keep you chin upxx


borntocry on 03/07/2006:
Runner!!

I'm sorry about the pregnancy, although I guess you were expecting it. The "early pregnancy" symptoms you experienced sound pretty much like my pre-menstrual symptoms so maybe that's all they were. I'm sure your weight will go down once you get your period, and that will be just what you need to jump-start the process!

Thanks so much for the comment you left me. I got chills up my spine reading about your first race and how you just got better and better after that. I can't believe that <i>you</i> are jealous of <i>me</i>, when I can only dream of being where you are and doing what you've done! But I can see that it must be hard for you to accomplish so much and then feel like your running days are winding down. My husband feels the same way about his basketball - that there will come a time when he can't jump or dunk like he used to, and I can see how sad it makes him. But I can't really relate because for me the situation is the complete opposite - after wasting so many years in sloth and inactivity, I am only just beginning to discover my potential as an athlete! What I find hard to understand, though, is why you and my husband are so convinced the end is near. You're both under thirty, and you're even younger than I am. When I was running the half-marathon I saw people out there who were seventy years old, and they were overtaking me! There were "seniors" who made it on to the Top 100 list - out of 20,000 runners! And even my husband says that he is a better basketball player now than ever before. So how do you know your best days aren't still ahead of you? As you pointed out, you've yet to attempt the ultimate challenge - the MARATHON!

Did biscottibody59 ever show you <a href="http://marathon.cheezblok.com/" target="_blank">this blog</a> by a girl who runs the marathon? If you go to the archive section, you can read about the entire process right from the very beginning. It's probably not as inspirational for you as it was for me, because you are already a competitive runner and this girl wasn't, but you might still find it interesting.

And as for the physical toll of training for such a demanding event, there might be a way around that. Now I know this probably won't appeal to you, as you're so addicted to your daily runs, but there is a theory that running less often, but more efficiently, can actually help maximise your training for a marathon. Sounds crazy, but I first read about it in <a href="http://www.runnersworld.com/article/0,5033,s6-51-0-0-8257,00.html" target="_blank">this article</a> on Runner's World. That piqued my curiousity, so I looked for more information about it on the Internet, and found out <a href="http://www.furman.edu/first/FIRST_RunThreeDaysandFinish.pdf" target="_blank">a little more about it</a>. The idea behind the theory is that by training only three days a week, and cross-training on the other days, you avoid many of the injuries associated with repetitive high-impact sports, as well as the risk of burn-out (not a concern for you, I know, but still!). Instead of logging hundreds of "garbage miles" a week, you actually spend each of your three workouts concentrating on different aspects of your running, such as speed, endurance, etc. You can find the actual training program <a href="http://www.furman.edu/first/2.htm" target="_blank">here</a>. This is for first-time marathon runners - there's also one for seasoned marathon runners hoping to improve their times (just in case you want to go all out and try that one instead!).

Like I said before, I know that you really enjoy running every day, so this might not appeal to you, but a conventional marathon training program would probably involve more running than even you are accustomed to, and if you really do want to prolong your running career for as long as possible, it might be a good idea to minimise the amount of wear and tear involved.

As for me, my husband wants me to promise never to attempt a full marathon! He's been trying to convince me that "no-one is even impressed by it, they just think it's too extreme". Hmm... interesting how anything which he hasn't done himself is "too extreme"! I haven't promised him anything, but I have to admit that the half-marathon was a lot tougher than I expected. I don't know if I could ever run a full one. But then, that's what I thought about a half-marathon just a few months ago. I guess I'll just have to wait for you to do it first and inspire me, like you always do!



Runner - Sunday Mar 05, 2006
(Under 1300 calories)
Weight: 122.0

I still have major bloating, but my period should start in the next day or two (unless I'm pregnant!), and I'm going to the doctor to find that out tomorrow morning. I actually took a home pregnancy test tonight, but it said that I'm not pregnant, so even though those aren't always accurate, that helps me keep my expectations quite low. Anyway, my biggest concern now is losing my huge stomach---I think my ovaries must be swollen from all those hormone shots or something.

I'm also ready to actually lose some weight, and my back is healed up enough so that I'm able to run again. So...I'm adopting the "BTC diet" at the moment and am aiming for 1200 calories or less a day. It seems like that's the only way to go at the moment! I know that certain days will pose great challenges, especially if I have to eat out, but I'm going to do my best to keep my calories low and aim for 1/2 pound loss (minimum) each week.

I'm very discouraged when I look at my body right now, as it's not the same body I had only 6 months ago. Although I've had other factors playing a role in my weight gain, I know that cutting calories will have to result in a loss at some point---even though it may take awhile to see any real progress.

I've done well so far today, and I think I'll actually be at 1200 calories, as long as I don't blow it before bed! Plus, I got in 2 hours of exercise, so I hope that helps, too! This is a fresh start for me, and I'm hoping to finally see results!

borntocry on 03/06/2006:
Runner!!

I did it!! You will probably be shocked at how badly I did, but I am just so happy that I actually did it! And I finished in just under my goal time (admittedly a very unimpressive goal time compared to yours, but now I can try to improve on it in the future!). It was just the most awesome day of my life. And I could never have done it without you. Thank you so much!

I hope everything goes well at your doctor's appointment today. Assuming you're not pregnant, you might just be bloated because of your upcoming period. I am always very bloated just before mine, but the good news is that I usually "lose" 3 or 4 lb in the first few days afterwards. So I can't think of a better time for you to start running again and sticking to 1200 calories a day. Hopefully your weight will be down soon and that will give you a little boost for your fresh start!

Of course you may not be able to stick to 1200 calories every day, especially if you have to eat out, but as long as you stick to 1200 calories on the other days, when you don't eat out, you should still see results. After all, I was in the same place you are just a couple of months ago (although in my case it was all my own fault), and now look at me! I have never felt or looked better in my life!

Well, I'm just enjoying some high-protein goodies right now to balance out all the carbo-loading I've been doing recently, starting with this delicious soy sauce egg! That's what you said it was, didn't you? What a tasty snack! I'm thinking that once my new kitchen is done I should start making huge batches of these on a regular basis! And now that I'm learning how to waste food, maybe I will even be able to eat only the whites - at least some of the time!


vvvzena29 on 03/06/2006:
Runner, I hope that your doc appt. comes out whatever way you want it to. You've been through so much crap with your body for a long while, you deserve it. I may not have commented much in your journal, but I've been rooting for ya! I know what it's like for your body to betray you. Atleast that's what it feels like sometimes. Awful doesn't even describe it. I think it's your turn for good things now. :-) Renee



Runner - Thursday Mar 02, 2006
(Under 1400 calories)
Weight: 123.0

Still very bloated and heavy today.

I'm just trying to make it until Monday, when I'll find out the results of the IUI. I highly doubt I'm pregnant, but I do wonder if everything is okay with my ovaries, as I literally "gained" 3 pounds overnight and feel like my stomach is grossly distended. It's very discouraging, but I just hope everything is okay. I don't have any cramping, but I do feel really "blah."

I just want to feel normal again. To be a fit, energetic, and happy Runner!

I told my husband this morning that I just can't go through two months of hormone pills, injections, and WAITING again. Not for awhile. He's okay with that, but I still feel guilty. I feel like a wimp. Why can't I just tough it out?

Because I don't think I want a baby that badly right now. I want a strong body, a strong mind, and the ability to lose one stupid pound.

Okay, chin up, Runner! You have much to be thankful for. Just take it one day at a time! (my little pep talk to myself)

smiley2 on 03/03/2006:
Hi there Runner,

I have always read your diaries, since i started on here, but never really bothered to comment, since it seemed you are doing so well, being a Runner and all hehe. I always admire you, because of your strengh and courage to lose the pounds and now with this situation. I dont know you, so i cannot really give you adequate advice, but i will try. I am 26 years old, turning 27 this year and i had lots of pressure from a few people regarding having children. But i am not ready at all! I dont think i will have children until i am 34 or 35. Times have changed, people have changed, lifespans are longer and woman want do be on the "perk" of their lives for longer and so rightly they can be. If you are not ready for children, so be it. All the stress of trying etc puts more stress on your already stressed out ovaries and will make it more difficult to become pregnant. So at the end of the day its U! Its your choice!

You told me a year or so back you are American but you live in Asia right? What culture do you want to learn your children, American, Asian or a mixture of both? Im just interested, since im dealing with some of those issues myself. Im South African, spent 2 years in the States and am now back home for a while. Hubby and me still wants to go to the UK to work there for a few years, so we are deciding if we want our kids to have a South African and UK background one day.


borntocry on 03/03/2006:
Hi Runner,

If you think that's wimpy, wait until you find out what I'm doing. My husband and I had agreed I would stop taking the pill this month, so that we could start trying for a baby. But after what you've gone through, I am too scared to do it. I know people are supposed to gain weight when they go <i>on</i> the pill, not off it, but I did some research on the Internet and I found quite a few people out there who gained a lot of weight when they went off the pill. And I know you said you wouldn't have minded gaining weight if you'd been at a good weight to begin with, but in my case it's the opposite - after working so hard to lose it, I can't bear to just put it all back on!

Anyway, that's not all. A lot of women worry about whether they will suffer any lasting effects from long-term use of the pill. Well, apparently the general consensus is that once a woman stops taking the pill, her body basically reverts to how it was before she went on it. And in my case, I was a total wreck when I went on the pill - my doctor actually prescribed it to me because of my health problems. I was pretty much bleeding all the time and severely anaemic. But the worst thing of all was the cystic acne. It was so terrible that I literally could not show my face in public for fear of frightening small children! But it cleared up so dramatically once I went on the pill that I had almost forgotten all about it. It's only when someone compliments me on my "clear skin", that I remember how different it was in the past.

So now I just have visions of myself, fat and tired and oozing pus from my face... I can't do it! I know I'm not getting any younger and I do want to have kids some day... I'm just not desperate enough yet. And having children is a really important, irreversible decision, so I think it's something we should really, really want to do before we do it. In my opinion it doesn't matter what our reasons are - if we're not ready, we're not ready. We don't want to run the risk of resenting our husbands, or even worse, our children, for having forced us to take such a huge step when we weren't ready for it.

So my advice to you is to do what's best for yourself. One day, you will probably be desperate to have children and then you'll be willing to do whatever it takes, and you won't mind the hormones and injections and the extra weight because the thought of having a child will be worth it.

Anyway, guess what? I got your package today! I've sent you an e-mail about it, but I just had to thank you again.

And thanks for the comment you left me, too! Actually, believe it or not, my husband HAS run 21 km before. (That's so unfair, isn't it? It's like there's nothing I can do that he hasn't already done!) He isn't a runner at all, but one day when he was ten years old he just went out and ran in an under-15 half-marathon. And he came 5th! He had never run before that day. It's incredible, isn't it? But anyway, he has now totally come around to the carbo-loading idea and actually wanted me to do it for three days, instead of just the day before the race!

The way I see it, it probably isn't necessary for someone on a normal, 2000-calorie diet to do any extra carbo-loading for anything shorter than a marathon, but it's not easy to run 13 miles on 1200 calories! I know I definitely feel the difference between running after a high-calorie day and a low-calorie day, especially after a certain distance. And this race is going to be challenging enough for me as it is - I don't want to make things harder on myself! Of course, I'm going to avoid eating anything bulky the day before, so as not to weigh myself down. But I figure a few extra calories won't hurt!

The race starts at 10:00 a.m. Thanks SO MUCH again - for EVERYTHING!



Runner - Wednesday Mar 01, 2006
(Under 1400 calories)
Weight: 123.0

I could not be more discouraged.

After two very good days of eating, some extra exercise (because my back is starting to feel better!!!), and an hopeful outlook, I woke up feeling very heavy and bloated and saw 123. I was hoping to never see that number again, since all the hormone shots are OVER.

I was sooo looking forward to breaking 120 soon, and now look at this. I can't believe I was 120.5 two days ago. I feel sooo fat today, and the worst part is that I'm on a work assignment at a place where last week a guy told me that I was looking "fatter."

I just want to cry and cry and cry. It's so unfair sometimes!

borntocry on 03/02/2006:
Oh Runner,

I'm so sorry! But your weight seemed to be shifting down recently, so this is probably just a little "fluctuation"! Remember those? They just seem so much worse when your weight is already up to begin with. But don't let it get to you. You can't let one day discourage you like this. It's going to take a few weeks to get your weight down and in those few weeks there are going to be days when your weight is up - you know it. So you can't let that stop you.

You know, when my weight was up around 122 lb. last December (yes, it got that high, even though my chart here doesn't show it), the most important lesson that I learned had nothing to do with eating, or exercising, but waiting. I had already learned the physical discipline of ignoring hunger, forcing myself to exercise when I was tired, etc. but I had yet to learn the mental discipline of being able to wait, being able to see those spikes on the scale and persevering regardless. And it paid off! Now when my weight is up after a 1200-calorie day, it doesn't affect me as much because I'm at a better place to begin with. And you will get there too! You just have to give it time.

And thanks so much for the comment you left me. I feel really bad pestering you for advice when you have more than enough on your mind already. But you're such a great help to me! Regarding my clothes for the race, the weather forecast for the day is 28�F and snowing, and I know this is going to sound really wimpy to you but I normally start off with three layers in that kind of weather! I just take off the outer layer and tie it around my waist after the first few minutes. But I think you're right, I should probably plan on wearing just one layer for the race, because even if I do just have to pin a number on to my shirt, it will still make it tough to juggle several layers, won't it?

And as for the package, I do hope I get it before this weekend, but if not, maybe I can just use it for the next half-marathon! Thank you so much, Runner! You're the best!



Runner - Wednesday Mar 01, 2006
(Under 1400 calories)
Weight: 121.0

Yesterday I saw the elusive 120.5, but it managed to disappear today, even after a really good day. Actually, I was quite surprised to see 120.5 since I had eaten out (Mongolian BBQ) the night before and definitely filled up on lots of good food! (mostly veggies, though)

If I could just break into the "teens," I'd feel so much better! But one day at a time.

My back is still improving, I think, except I almost re-twisted it again today when I slipped on the pavement due to all the rain. My whole body twisted, and I could just feel my back saying, "Oh, NO!" But I think I'm okay...for now, at least!

By the way, I would just like to HUG the person who invented the crock pot and the slow cooker. I used a slow cooker to make about 6 pounds of taco meat for my husband's birthday party, and it turned out so perfectly! And I used the crock pot last night to make him a coconut-curry-chicken soup that also turned out perfectly! Bless the person who came up with the "throw it in and turn it on" approach!

On another note, I still feel like all the weight I've gained went straight to my butt and that really bothers me. My mom is a very small woman, but she has a "womanly behind," so I think my genes are predisposed to the same kind of figure. My husband loves it, but I hate it. I absolutely hate a bubble butt, and I'd rather have a flat one (or at least one that is pure muscle!) I had the perfect bum at 115 lbs., but now it's gone and has been replaced by flab! Seriously...I can hardly believe it myself when I look in the mirror!

borntocry on 03/01/2006:
Hi Runner!

I'm glad to see things seem to be improving! That coconut curry soup you made for your husband sounds so lovely. And I'm glad your back is getting better. Take it easy for a few more days and you'll be clocking in those miles again in no time.

And your weight is starting to go down, too! I know that feeling of wishing you could just get back into the teens as soon as possible. It wasn't so long ago that I was feeling the same way! Trust me, it will happen soon enough and then you'll be impatiently looking forward to the next milestone!

It's unfortunate that both of us have these J-Lo backsides in our genes (or "jeans", haha!). In my case, I get it not from my mother but from my father. He himself is thin as a rail, but his sister and niece are huge (300+ lb). In particular, they are so generously endowed in that region that they can't even stand up straight - they're always tilted forward to balance all the extra weight in the back! And I'm always afraid that I am going to develop the same posture! But my husband does love it too, so maybe it's for the best. After all we're not very well-endowed in certain other womanly features, if you know what I mean!

Oh and thanks so much for your comment and for all your pre-marathon advice! I really have no-one else to ask, so I don't know what I'd do without you. I took what you said about the weather to heart and am not letting it worry me. You're right about running in the cold - it really is ideal. I'm just wondering how to dress, as normally I wear two or three layers and take the top one off as I run, but in this case I'm going to be wearing that big vest thing with my number on it, won't I? I'm not supposed to pick it up until Saturday so I haven't actually seen it yet but I imagine I won't be able to take anything off once I'm wearing it, so should I just wear one layer underneath?


sweetpea1977 on 03/01/2006:
Hey Runner,

Crock pots rock! They are so versatile (somehow, people are able to make breads and desserts in them!)and easy! The best part is that everything comes out wonderful-full of flavor and tender! Mmm! Anyway, Im glad you had two great meals come out of it this week. :o)

Having a flat butt isnt all that it is crack up to be. I get made fun of for having no bum. Pants, underwear, and swimsuits look horrible on me. However, I will say that my little sister has a J-Lo butt and hates it, but boy do the boys love it! LOL. Anyway, I can sympathize somewhat with you because my butt has always been very flabby. I wonder if there are any specific toning exercises you can try to help tighten it up?

Jenny


Umpqua on 03/01/2006:
Your weight is definitely on the downward trend, so at least you know you're losing slowly and steadily. I'm glad to hear your back is improving too. I love the slow cooker too, and that curry soup sounds delightful! Reminds me I need to make some homemade soups soon, I've been relying on the canned variety too often this winter.


geevee on 03/01/2006:
Oh, Runner,

Wanting the perfect body (in our mind)is SO frivolous a pursuit. I was reading yesterday about Tyra Banks and how she complains about her "bubble butt" and what she went through to prove that she didn't have implants.

You know, it's all so senseless. Your husband married you because he loved you. Period. It wasn't your measurements that attracted him to you. THAT is what's important. You can gain fifty pounds and he will still love you.



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