- Sunday Apr 17, 2005
(Under 1600 calories)
I'm still at 112, thankfully. I feel like I snacked all day yesterday, but I doubt I went over 1800 calories as I didn't really eat any big meals (except for breakfast, my favorite meal of the day!) But I did eat about 5 pieces of candy. They were these melt-in-your-mouth toffees...so much for my comment a few days ago about how I haven't been eating candy lately! I made up for it yesterday.
But I'm ready to get back on track today. Weekends are hard...so I prefer the structure of the work-week.
My challenge today: my small group is meeting tonight and I always serve snacks. Usually, it's something I sorta like but won't overeat...but tonight it's a no-bake cheesecake and some cookies that someone gave me that I love. Hopefully my guests eat all of the cookies and cheesecake so that I don't have leftovers. With three American guys coming, I'm sure they'll get rid of most of it!
- Saturday Apr 16, 2005
(Under 1600 calories)
Today was one of those days that I wish I could do over. I would have made much smarter decisions!
I only ate a little bit of lunch as I was anticipating light refreshments at the wedding. Well, I was quite hungry when it was finally time to eat, but quite disappointed that the majority of the food was unhealthy AND unappealing! I'm not big on mini sandwiches and dry cream puffs. So I ate a piece of chocolate and held off for cake...which turned out to be a big disappointment! It was so Chinese...whipped cream for frosting and dry cake. ugh! I had about 3 bites of it and I was done. So I ate the protein bar that I'd brought along "just in case" and ate an apple on the way home.
But I was still hungry. So I made some chocolate chip cookies for a "going away" party I'm going to tomorrow, and helped myself to one of them and some of the dough. A good 500 calories there, I'm sure.
Then it was dinner time, and I managed to keep it light, because I knew that my husband and I were going out for "bings" later on. A bing is shaved ice with all kinds of toppings, but once again, I was very disappointed in it. I ate most of it, but I didn't enjoy any of it. I shouldn't have eaten it, but I paid for it and I was hungry again. (Why am I so hungry today???) So I complained about how dull it was and started salivating over the thoughts of a hot fudge sundae.
Oh...if I were in America, I would have gone to the grocery store and picked up some Edy's fat free ice cream and some fat free fudge sauce and enjoyed a treat. But I'm not in America any more, so I came home and had some crackers and pudding with a bit of peanut butter in it. (I guess the peanut butter hasn't worked its way out of my system yet!)
And I'm still feeling hungry. It's GOT to be in my head, though. Because I've snacked like crazy since this afternoon. What is up with that? The 1/2 pound I "lost" will probably turn into a 1 pound "gain" tomorrow morning!
I've got to just go to bed!
- Friday Apr 15, 2005
(Under 1600 calories)
I have been the same weight for four days in a row, which is unusual for me! I hope I see a slight drop tomorrow, as Saturdays are often my lowest weight of the week. If I can stay away from the candy and peanut butter, I'm fine. Actually, I've hardly eaten candy lately. It just doesn't tempt me as much as it used to. I even have open bags of candy in my cupboards that I haven't touched in weeks. Amazing! Of course, the peanut butter is a different story, but I think that's out of my system now. I go through phases...
Tomorrow I have a wedding to go to, so if I can stick to one piece of cake, I'll consider that success. If it's a Chinese cake, I can probably eat 1/2 a piece and that will be enough! Thankfully, finding American-style cakes here is very rare! So maybe it won't be much of a problem for me. When I attend weddings in the U.S., I always end up eating more than one piece of cake...and eating the frosting off my husband's cake! Poor guy. He never gets to eat the frosting!
Okay, enough talk about food. I'm not going to let food control me. Time to focus on more important things.
- Wednesday Apr 13, 2005
(Under 1600 calories)
Thanks for the comments, friends! When I saw that someone read my Bio, I decided I should probably update it, as it's over 2 years old!!! It's funny, because 115 was my goal weight back then...so I guess I have made progress!
My new goal is 110. I would just love to see 110, even if I don't stay there for very long.
Last night, I was 117 even though I had a small (non-salty) dinner. I was very bloated for some odd reason. It's amazing how my weight fluctuates during the day!!!
I tried a little bit of the peanut butter from the freezer and was shocked that it didn't freeze completely. In fact, it tasted even better half-frozen! It was like candy. But I kept it under control and shoved the container back in the freezer before I lost it. I should just throw the rest of it out, but I'm having a hard time with this one! Sometimes I do that, but I always feel wasteful.
I managed to bake brownies last night for a party and only had a tiny piece. That's an accomplishment! One of you said the way you keep yourself from bingeing on baked goodies is to keep telling yourself, "this is for someone else." That helps me!
It also keeps me from cutting the brownies early (so I can try one or two or three...)
If I keep them in the pan, it looks bad if a big chunk is missing! So I've even started buying those "throw-away" pans so I don't have to feel bad if I leave the pan at the party.
- Wednesday Apr 13, 2005
(Under 1600 calories)
I am more like 112.75 right now, as I saw 113 once this morning and 112.5 once. (My scale can't make up its mind!) So the elusive 111 has disappeared for now, I'm afraid!
Of course, I probably deserve it, as I've eaten a good 800-1000 calories of peanut butter in the last 3 days. It was so dumb of me to buy this certain brand...every time I buy it, I can't quit eating it! So last night I put the last remaining spoonfuls in a tupperware in the back of the freezer. Hopefully that will help me keep my paws off it!
I had 12 people over for dinner today---made them a nice, healthy meal that also included the "extras" I'm never tempted to eat---like potato chips. They ate and ate...and I stuck to smaller portions and avoided the stuff I knew I should avoid. Sometimes I get tired of always avoiding the fattening stuff, but I know what I used to weigh when I never avoided it, and I prefer to stay at 112.5 for as long as I can!
I think 1800 calories is too much for me right now, as I'm not losing any weight even though I am running 50 minutes every day and walking at least for an hour. So I'll try to stay under 1600 cals. Maybe that will help me at least get to 112.
- Monday Apr 11, 2005
(Everything in moderation---under 1800 calories)
Well, I gained back the 1.5 pounds I magically lost yesterday! Ah, it was nice while it lasted. Unfortunately, I ate at least 500 calories of "extra" food I didn't need or plan on eating. I think my euphoria at seeing "111" caused me to celebrate with extra snacks. Go figure! I usually stay more disciplined when I'm at my average weight. As soon as I drop a bit, I overcompensate with extra goodies.
Anyway, today is a new day! I can make smart choices and eat what is good for my body. My body needs fuel, so why would I want to give it anything but the best fuel? Why would I want to feed it white refined flour or white sugar or unhealthy fats? None of those foods have any real nutritional value. It's funny how I'll take care of the outside of my body but often neglect the inside of my body. Of course, I still eat very healthily, but there's always room for improvement! I'm just feeling the need for an extra dose of discipline today.
- Sunday Apr 10, 2005
Surprisingly, I was 111 this morning. I wasn't bloated at all (for once!), so maybe that gave me the 1.5 pound "loss" (more like fluctuation!) Anyway, I was glad to see the scale fluctuating in that direction, as opposed to the other direction!
My Japanese buffet dinner on Saturday went better than I'd hoped for. On the bad side, the food wasn't as good as I thought it would be, but that kept me from overeating! Plus, we only had an hour to eat, so I had to stop even though I probably could have kept going.
SO I made it through that! And yesterday was a very busy day, so I didn't have much time to think about food...I ate when I was hungry and didn't overdo it. (Although I did have some peanut butter...I haven't had it in awhile and I was craving it really badly...I just ate it out of the jar with a spoon! Gross, I know.)
Anyway, this week has its own challenges, as every week does! I have some baking to do, company coming over, a dinner out, etc. But I take it ONE DAY AT A TIME. Discipline WILL pay off...it WILL.
- Thursday Apr 07, 2005
Holding steady to 112.5, although I briefly saw the number 114 on the scale this morning before my run. I stepped on it three times, and it had three different weights. Go figure...dumb scale! But after my run, I was 112.5, so I was glad to see that number!
Yesterday was a good day, eating-wise. It's nice to have those days. I still had a good 1800 calories, but I walked all over the place...I walked to work, walked for 1/2 hour during lunch, walked home, walked to the gym...I've learned that the extra walking allows me to "cheat" a bit in my diet...so I can eat the things I enjoy in moderation. Plus, I just like being outside! Even if I stick out like a sore thumb here, it's still nice to be out and about.
The weekend is ahead of me, though, and I'll need to be careful. Tomorrow night my hubby and I are going out for a special meal to a Japanese buffet...all you can eat sushi! Yummy! Even though sushi is healthy, those buffets always have other tempting dishes, and I tend to eat until I'm STUFFED. (Gotta get my money's worth, right?) So my goal is to eat slowly and to eat the foods I really enjoy. And I need to remember that getting seconds doesn't make me happier. If I enjoy something once, then why do I need to enjoy it a second time or a third time? Why do I trick myself into believing that I won't be happy unless I enjoy more than one? No, I need to learn how to have ONE piece of something...and to savor it! (This pep talk is more for desserts...I want to learn how to have ONE cookie and be satisfied). So if there are things I really like at the buffet tomorrow, I want to enjoy them...but definitely in moderation!!!
- Tuesday Apr 05, 2005
I was 113.5 before my run and 112.5 after my run. Even though I know that the pound lost was water, I'm choosing to record the 112.5 as I like that number better! :)
I made it through the party yesterday by concentrating on salad with grilled chicken and fruit. I did have some apple and mango pie, but didn't overdo it. I actually ate worse after my guests left! Go figure. It wasn't a bad day overall, but I didn't make any more progress toward a calorie deficit, that's for sure!!!
I've been thinking lately about how upset I would be if someone I know personally was reading my daily entries. Someone like a family member or a best friend. Just like Geevee, I share things in this diary that I would never share with my family. Weight loss and maintenance is a personal thing, and I don't feel as comfortable talking about it with close friends. It seems like people close to me have their own opinions about my weight...usually they think I need to GAIN weight. So if they were reading my diary, they would think I need to see a psychologist or something...and would probably not understand why I feel compelled to share my struggles with people I don't even know.
Plus, some of my "best" friends are the ones who always act "concerned" if I lose 5 pounds. (Are you okay? Are you eating enough? Blah, blah, blah). I don't have an eating disorder, I don't starve myself, and I never have.
I DO exercise a lot, I AM conscientious about what I eat, and I DO hope to maintain my current weight for as long as I can.
But I just don't always feel like explaining that to my friends who are too lazy to get out there and exercise themselves. Losing weight is not a mystery...I know exactly what it takes to drop the pounds. But my obsession with it causes people to view my eating habits with suspicion.
I don't really know where I'm going with these thoughts, except to say that I've been quite honest and blunt with my diary entries in the last two years, and I would just feel quite embarrassed if someone close to me read through all of them.
Most people just assume that I have a fast metabolism or that I never eat...little do they know the daily discipline I have to maintain if I want to stay thin. And most people have NO IDEA that I have lost 50 pounds. It happened 7 years ago, so my friends now have only known me as a thin person.
I love the support here, and I consider you all my friends. Even though we'll probably never meet face to face, most of you know far more about my inner struggles than the people I come into contact with on a daily basis.
- Sunday Apr 03, 2005
Yesterday I was 112. Today I am 113. It's only a pound, but I still think it's not fair, as I had a very good eating day yesterday. Ah, well. That's life! Fluctuations happen.
I'm having company over tomorrow, so I'm planning a meal where I can eat some healthy things and avoid the foods I don't like anyway. I used to serve all kinds of healthy low-fat foods when I'd have company over and I always made some sort of delicious dessert. But then I would overeat on all those "low-fat" foods, consuming far more calories than I needed! So I've learned my lesson. I now make 2-3 dishes that I can eat (usually salads or fruits or veggies) and a big casserole that everyone else will love but I am not even tempted to enjoy. Everyone will be watching the NCAA game on TV anyway, so no one will even notice what I eat.
It sounds easy, but even with a plan I often "goof up." In the heat of the moment, I may start popping M&M's into my mouth even though I don't really like M&M's. Why? Who knows? I know that BTC can relate, though, as she wrote about how she ate marzipan and doesn't even LIKE marzipan! I need to THINK before I eat things...and to think to myself, "Do I really WANT this?" If I think about it, I usually can reason with myself that I DON'T want it! Honestly, I do crave healthy food...but there's a part of me that just wants to eat unhealthy food, even if I don't like it!