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Runner - Tuesday Jul 13, 2004

Weight: 115.5

My husband has been gone for over two days on a trip, and this was the first time he's been gone where I haven't used his absence as an excuse to overeat. Yea!! Normally, I find myself raiding the cupboards and eating when I'm not hungry...but I really stayed "on track" the last two days. Strangely enough, the scale is up, but I don't care. I have made progress, and that feels good.

I have a dinner out tonight at a Mongolian BBQ place, so it will be a salty meal. I'll likely "put on" a couple of pounds tonight from all the salt, but I'm already anticipating that. (So I don't need to cry over the scale like I would have done last year) And maybe I'll try to cut down on the soy sauce...

geevee on 07/14/2004:
I missed a few of your recent entries because you post after I check my computer and if there are a lot of current entries I don't always skim through the previous day's to see if there was a late posting.

I can't imagine dry cake! Why waste all those calories on something you don't like. I wouldn't have either.



Runner - Monday Jul 12, 2004

Weight: 115.0

I was inspired by Garlic's entry today. She has lost 99 pounds and is still losing! Wow! And she made the comment, "even though my body can afford the food, my head cannot afford the food." That is sooo true for me! I couldn't have said it better myself!

Now that I have lost the 35 pounds, I am considered thin. So I am constantly being told that I can afford to eat more. Well, I do have my treats and definitely enjoy eating. BUT, many times, my "head" cannot afford the food. If I allow myself down the road of overeating and gluttony, then it's a very slippery slope. I can't get started. Sometimes that means I avoid certain foods completely...I don't even buy them. Sometimes it means that I avoid certain events where there are huge buffets of food. Sometimes it means that I have my husband to help me stay out of the kitchen when I want to bake. And always it means that I spend time in prayer asking God to give me strength and discipline.

I firmly believe that gluttony is a sin. And when I eat more than I need to (usually in secret) just for the sake of pigging out, I always feel guilty afterwards because I know that my behavior was selfish and wrong. Some of you may disagree with me, but I have been convicted of my sin when it comes to food. I know that I still focus too much on what I eat...and I still have a long ways to go. But I have made a lot of progress, and part of it has been mental. I've realized that an addiction to food is still an addiction.

Wow. Heavy thoughts this morning! :)

On another note- I'm so proud of Geevee! Way to go, girl! You inspire us!

Where's CurlsnCuffs?

borntocry on 07/13/2004:
Sadly, my parents taught me firmly that wasting food is a sin. I have long struggled to rid myself of this belief, to no avail.

Thanks for your comment. My wedding reception is planned for the 16th of August. (Notice how I say "planned" - like I fear it might not even happen!) I am so stressed out about everything. It seems like there's a new problem every day. It's really weighing me down.



Runner - Sunday Jul 11, 2004

Weight: 115.0

Overall, it was a good weekend. Although my birthday isn't for another week, we celebrated with my in-laws on Saturday. My MIL made dinner, and then served a pineapple-upside-down cake. I had told my hubby to ask her not to make a cake...I'm kinda picky about cakes. I don't like to consume extra calories on dry cake. If I make a cake, I usually like it, because I add extra things to it and use applesauce instead of oil.

But I don't usually crave dry cakes from a mix. Anyway, she made this cake homemade, but it was sooo dry. Something went wrong. I know she felt bad about it, and everyone could tell it was bad, but I couldn't force myself to eat it. I just couldn't! It tasted so "blah," and the last thing I wanted to do was eat a few hundred calories of something that tasted bad!

So I probably hurt her feelings, but I barely touched my piece. My hubby ate half of it, only because he didn't want her to feel bad. I was already quite full from dinner, since she'd made a lot of food, and I just didn't want the cake. But she made it especially for me. I hate it when things like that happen! There's always a bit of tension when my MIL cooks for me, because I think she tends to add some unncessary calories and fat...she uses too much cooking oil and things like that. I try to keep my mouth shut, but sometimes I'll casually mention a low-fat cooking tip to her. Overall, she's a healthy cook, but not as healthy as my own mom or myself.

Anyway...I'm not off to the best start today. After my cereal, I had an apple dessert bar at work and a couple of bites of a homemade cinnamon roll. I just brushed my teeth so I would quit eating! I'll let the rest of my co-workers gladly finish the treats that were brought in.

But the rest of the day is still ahead of me, and I'm planning to stay away from the sweets and concentrate on the protein and veggies!

borntocry on 07/12/2004:
Poor Runner! Sorry you had such a bad birthday dinner with your in-laws. I've been in similar situations myself so I know how it feels. The last time I had dinner with my parents, my mother made my favourite dish for me, but it was swimming in grease. She seemed a bit hurt that I didn't clean my plate. I did feel guilty but at least I didn't end up feeling bitter and resentful towards her, right? It's just that I tend to eat so much of what I do like, that I can't afford those extra calories from food which I don't even like. I'm sure it's the same for you!

I'm really fussy about cakes too. My boyfriend and I hate dry cakes, and in addition I only like certain types of cakes. Hopefully your mother-in-law noticed how much you had of the other food and didn't feel that you just weren't appreciative of her efforts.



Runner - Friday Jul 09, 2004

Weight: 115.5

Yesterday was a good eating day overall, but the scale put me up a good two pounds this morning. But I know fluctuations are normal, so I tried not to flip out over it. I used to get so uptight and anxious if my weight went up overnight...now I know it's part of life.

I was taken to an amazing seafood buffet for lunch today. I did pretty well on the main courses---just stuck to the veggies, salad, and sashimi. (I even took my own fat-free dressing!)

But then I spotted dessert. And my host (knowing my love of sweets) had special peanut butter ice cream brought in for me. Well, how could I refuse that? I also indulged in two amazing little chocolate delights...they were melt-in-your-mouth-good, which is very rare here in Asia! I mean, real good chocolate is definitely a treat!

I'm sure the desserts alone were higher calorically than all the rest of the food...and I'm really full now.

The crazy thing is that I still ate far less than the others who were at my table. They loaded up on the fried foods, fatty dressings, and carbs. And none of them exercise regularly. Do they gain weight? They always look the same to me! Do they "pay for" meals like that? They must! They're all normal weights...not overweight or underweight.

I wish I could just eat without thinking about it, but it's too much of a habit now. I don't think I'll ever eat with total abandon...I'm too scared it will completely destroy what I've worked so hard for the last 6 years.

borntocry on 07/09/2004:
I know what you mean. I feel that even though for most of my life I've eaten whatever I want, since the age of about fifteen it's never been without guilt and worry. It's kind of sad, isn't it?

I also often notice other people eating lots of fattening things and wonder how come they don't gain weight. Maybe the explanation is that I only see what they eat when they eat out - on "special occasions", so to speak. Maybe their normal, everyday eating habits are better than mine. Or maybe it's just that some people have to struggle more with their weight than others.

By the way, I haven't been to the doctor yet... my appointment is on Tuesday. I'll let you know what happens!


feeleebubs on 07/09/2004:
Runner, honestly you amaze me every day. you make such good choices and I have very similar weaknesses as you so you're always an inspiration. One of my biggest fears in my weight loss journey is that when I'm finished, I will still have to think about EVERYTHING I eat. I'll never be able to be like the people around me who eat whatever they feel like eating and it makes no difference to their body. I wish I had something confoting to say, but I fear the same thing for myself and it stinks lol


geevee on 07/09/2004:
I know I have to be forever vigilant about what I eat. So many times I lost weight and then promptly put it all back on because I reverted to my old eating habits. I just don't have the metabolism that burns it all up so that I wouldn't have to worry.

That chocolate was a rarity. My son who had been in Yichang found an Eskimo Pie-type ice cream bar from England there and said it was very good. It was the ONLY decent chocolate and ice cream he had while in China. You gotta take advantage of those occasions and I'm glad you did. They don't come very often!



Runner - Thursday Jul 08, 2004

Weight: 115.0

Well, I made it through another meal out! Last night we had Moroccan food with some friends. It was a tad greasy, but good. And I skipped the bread and most of the "extra stuff."

I know it sounds like I get down on myself for eating extra treats, but I really do have to be careful. And I eat enough during the day that I usually can't afford an extra 500 calories.

Just to give you an idea of a typical day, food-wise, I'll write down what I usually eat: (this is without the "extras" that always seem to work themselves into my diet!)

B- 2 egg-white omelet, low-fat cheese, about 250 calories of cereal & milk

L- salad with imitation crab or tuna, fat free dressing, veggies, cottage cheese, fruit

Snack- 200-300 calories of some protein and carbs (sometimes fruit, sometimes a protein bar or soy nuts)

D- some type of lean meat, lots of veggies, in a stir-fry with soy sauce or another sauce. Fruit.

Snack- this varies each night, but I TRY To keep it to 200 calories. I'm rarely successful. I like things like fat free pudding, popcorn, etc.

So, you can see that I do eat enough, and I haven't even mentioned the "extras" yet...like a cookie here, a piece of candy there, a protein shake here, a sweet potato there.

If I'm doing well, I aim for 1600-1800 calories a day. And I try to make those calories COUNT. I try to fill up on good foods, not junk. But I still have a very strong sweet tooth...

Anyway, thanks for the comments! I'm just trying to maintain my weight, and for the first time in over a year, I've been mostly successful. But last year at this time, I felt like I was on a rollercoaster with weight swings, and I just don't want to experience that again.

borntocry on 07/08/2004:
Hi Runner,

I'm not worried that you're not eating enough - it's just that special occasions are supposed to be special! Why not try to be more strict about snacks and sweets on a daily basis? I've been trying to cut down on my daily, non-special-occasion desserts. I can't believe there was a time when if I didn't have a slice of pie at the cafeteria for lunch I would have to stop at Starbucks for a muffin instead.

I think it's unrealistic to try to follow the same diet every day. On some days we're bound to eat more, whether it's because it's a special occasion or we're depressed or we've been taken out to lunch by a bunch of Chinese students... we should just make sure that the other days really count!



Runner - Tuesday Jul 06, 2004

Weight: 115.5

To celebrate our second anniverary, I made a salmon dinner...it was so good. I love salmon! I should have stopped there, but I didn't. I wanted an excuse to eat more.

Just because it was a special day, I thought that we needed to split the last Cadbury egg that I'd brought back from the States.

And, of course, since we had ice cream on the day we got engaged, on our wedding day, every day of our honeymoon, and on our first anniversary, we had to have ice cream last night. I insisted on it, even though I wasn't hungry after the filling salmon dinner.

Why do I hold on to these types of traditions? It seems like I find any excuse possible to eat the foods that always lead me into a downward spiral of emotions and slight weight gains.

Anyway...I had good intentions just to split a hot fudge sundae at McDonald's. But the serving sizes are small here, and after we split one sundae, I wanted another one. So I easily talked my hubby into getting another one. And you know what? It didn't taste as good. I didn't need it, I wasn't hungry, but I ate it anyway. That's usually what happens. I really only need a few bites of hot fudge and ice cream to satisfy my sweet tooth, but I had to eat more. For no good reason, except that we always eat ice cream on special occasions.

I'm convinced that these traditions we start that completely revolve around food are overall unhealthy for us. Instead of eating ice cream every time we celebrate our relationship, we should do something like take a hike...or write each other a poem. But many of us base entire holidays around food. It's inevitable, I know, but it's too bad that food plays such a central role in our celebrations. I love to celebrate with food, but it gets me in trouble...I find any excuse possible to bake in the kitchen and snack on sweet treats.

So, I left McDonald's overly full and felt pretty guilty that I indulged in two sundaes. (Yes, I split them with my hubby, but I ate most of the fudge)

I woke up this morning and biked to the gym, ran for 30 minutes, swam for 15 minutes, and biked home. A mini-triathalon. Hopefully it burned away some of those hundreds of calories I consumed in less than 15 minutes...

borntocry on 07/07/2004:
Runner,

Don't feel so bad about the sundae! Is it really right to make yourself feel guilty about something so small? I personally think that you should have just gotten a whole sundae for yourself. When I make myself split things with my boyfriend I often don't feel satisfied afterwards and want more. And then I feel guilty about it.

I don't know about you, but I didn't gain weight by indulging myself on special occasions. I gained weight from consistently eating huge meals, desserts, and snacks - every day! Normal, thin people do eat ice-cream from time to time and that's what I want to be - not the type of girl who has to avoid certain foods like the plague. One McDonald's sundae is really not that terrible!

Thanks for all your encouragement, by the way! If it weren't for you, I would never have thought of running. And now I really like it! And it's fun to be able to do something athletic with my boyfriend because I always used to feel left out of that aspect of his life. Thanks for the suggestions on how to make it more challenging for him. He does occasionally sprint or do some basketball footwork while I run (running backwards, sideways etc.)

By the way, do you find it easy to get refried beans in Asia? Over here I can only find them in one American grocery store and it's opening hours are terribly inconvenient. So I have to really stock up whenever I go.


geevee on 07/07/2004:
I discovered McD's chocolate sundaes last year and while on a road trip made sure to have one EVERY day! Then I continued the habit when I got home . I haven't had one since last August. There is no way I could have eaten only a half of a sundae. I think a couple of times I had one for lunch and another for dinner! Well, yours was good but that was the end of it until your next special occasion. I can lose control so easily which is why I find it easier to just remove certain foods and restaurants from my life completely.



Runner - Monday Jul 05, 2004

Weight: 115.5

I did so well yesterday...until I was given some baking supplies from a girl moving back to the U.S. She included a bag of SKOR chips and some white chocolate chips. Immediately, the baker inside me started screaming to "make some magic" in the kitchen, and before I knew it, I was creating homamde white chocolate chip brownies with skor bits frosting on top. My only consolation was that I cut the butter in half and used yogurt to replace the rest of it. So they were lower in fat, but still highly caloric!

Of course, I told myself that I was only going to eat one of them. I was going to take them to work and give them away. Well, four and a half brownies later (who cares if they were small? They were still consumed rapidly), I wrapped the rest of them up to take to work. And I got rid of them all this morning before they looked appealing to me again.

Why do I do this to myself? I'm not sure. I get plenty of attention when I bring in my chocolate concoctions, but I know that I don't bake for that reason alone. I bake because I love to eat...and I love to eat things like brownies.

It's a good thing I did an 8km run and an hour and a half hike in the mountains yesterday for exercise. Without that, I'm sure my weight would be up more than 1/2 a pound.

I know I sound like a broken record sometimes...but I do want to do better today! It's my 2nd wedding anniversary, so I'm making salmon for dinner...and we'll likely go out for ice cream. But I'll split it with my husband and encourage him to eat most of it. He's good at that! What I wouldn't give for his metabolism...he's been the same weight for about 5 years and has something like 11% body fat. Amazing!

borntocry on 07/06/2004:
Hi Runner,

Thanks for your advice! It's what I'd been thinking all along, but I wasn't sure if it was the right thing to do. The way you put it, it makes perfect sense, though. I don't want to get discouraged by pushing myself too hard. Also, I have never really been that impressed by speed as I used to be a sprinter. What I always lacked was stamina and for me that has been a bigger challenge and one which I would rather work on. Does that make sense?

Well, I hope you had a happy anniversary and a nice anniversary dinner! It doesn't sound too unhealthy. I envy my boyfriend's metabolism too, by the way... I don't know what his percentage body fat is but from the way he looks you would think there's not one fat cell to be found on him! And he's also been the same weight for years. It often seems to be so easy for guys, don't you think?



Runner - Sunday Jul 04, 2004

Weight: 115.0

Whew! My four-day eating marathon is over! I guess it wasn't that bad...but I had at least one big meal every day, and I wasn't as disciplined as I should have been. Ah, well. Last night, we celebrated the fourth of July by having a BBQ with a bunch of foreigners and making S'Mores. I only had one, which was good. It was still highly caloric, but hey, there's something comforting about eating a real S'More in Asia! It makes the good ol' USA seem not-so-far-away.

For some reason, my weight hasn't gone up. Usually a pound or two weight gain is inevitable after I start eating more than normal. So it's only a matter of time. But that's okay. I'm not losing sleep over it, and I'm ready to get back-on-track as much as possible.

borntocry on 07/05/2004:
Hi Runner,

Glad you had a nice fourth of July!

Thanks for the encouraging comments you left me on Friday. You asked whether I still have breakfast - well, on weekdays I don't really have time but I allow myself a hot chocolate from the vending machine when I come to work. I tried having breakfast for a while but it didn't reduce my appetite for the rest of the day as I had hoped and it just added on calories which I wouldn't have had otherwise.

It was strange to learn that you haven't always been a runner, because obviously with your name being "Runner" I can't think of you as anything else! Actually, I wanted to ask your advice about something. I've been trying to increase the distance I can run without stopping. Right now I can run about four and a half laps, or 1800 yards. I would really like to get it up to six laps or maybe even eight or ten laps! But my boyfriend says that I should work on increasing my speed first. He thinks that for the next few weeks I should stick to four laps but try to run faster. I would rather just focus on distance, because I want to improve my stamina, but he's been right in the past. What do you think?



Runner - Friday Jul 02, 2004

Weight: 115.0

It's a rainy, rainy day. Typhoon weather is common here, and we get the rain often. Rainy days make me want to eat, unfortunately.

I managed to do okay at lunch today...I didn't eat a lot of the Chinese food, but what I did eat was too oily...ugh! Everything is oily, though. I pick the healthy veggies, and they're swimming in oil.

Anyway, only 2 hours after lunch, I was hungry again! So weird. I thought I'd had enough protein and veggies and a little rice. But I was hungry...so I ate the protein bar I'd taken along "just in case," and then I finished the frosting with a few animal crackers that I had at the office. 500 calories in 10 minutes.

But at least I'm not hungry anymore!

I think I'll do a little extra workout at the gym tonight....

borntocry on 07/02/2004:
Yes, I hate it when I try to be healthy by having vegetables for lunch and then they're so oily that I might as well just have had pizza instead. It's so unfair. Well I guess we just have to make the best of whatever our countries of residence have to offer, hehe.

Runner, you know how you said you're addicted to exercise? Well, have you always been like that or did you just become that way when trying to lose weight?


geevee on 07/02/2004:
Re: your comments to Borntocry about exercise and the runner's high you get to miss, I do too. I never ran that much but I really liked that wonderful feeling when I ran. Swimming just doesn't do it, but it's the best I can do with an arthritic knee. I know what you mean about being afraid of gaining if you don't exercise because I feel the same way. I started making good progress when I started swimming. I can't afford to miss a day either.

Reminding me of those awful greasy vegetables brought to mind the arguments our group would get into sitting around the big, round table with the Lazy Susan filled with food, something like a Lord of the Flies-type situation in which everyone was watching everyone else with an eagle eye to make sure that no one took too much of the occasional "treat", meaning, a not so greasy item.I think we were even bold enough to ask if they could hold off on the oil, to no avail of course.



Runner - Thursday Jul 01, 2004

Weight: 115.0

I was taken out to lunch today to a really nice Japanese restaurant. It was a 6-course set meal, and the food was really, really good. I mean, I have rarely had such flavorful food! But I could taste some of the oil and butter that the veggies and meat were marinated in, (lots of calories!) and I managed to pretty much clean my plate of all 6 courses!

I was very pleasantly full...and a bit disappointed that I ate so much. You would have thought I'd go lighter on dinner tonight, but I just polished off a salad, omelette, a guava, and some odds and ends of this and that.

So it's been a heavy eating-day...much more than usual! I'm used to a very light lunch.

It's hard when I get taken out to lunch, especially by a Chinese student. They get really nervous and perplexed if you don't eat the food...I think they take it personally! And I rarely need an excuse to clean my plate! I'm a sucker for a free meal, anyhow, especially if it's an expensive one!

The bad part is that this weekend I have at least one meal out every day...for 3 days! Yikes! I really need to pace myself...and to go easy the rest of the day if it's a big meal!

borntocry on 07/01/2004:
Hi Runner,

Thanks for your comments. I'll try to follow your advice. I'll have more fruit. I'd like to have more vegetables too, because cooked food seems heartier, but I feel guilty cooking just for myself when I'm on a diet, even if it's only vegetables. I doubt very much that I'm having under 1200 calories a day, although I guess it could be under 1500.

Don't worry about eating out over the weekend... just cut down on snacks between meals, and maybe dessert. That's what I did on my last weekend out of town, and I think it worked. And you're just trying to maintain your weight now, aren't you? You shouldn't have to avoid eating out to do that.



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