- Tuesday Jun 24, 2003
The moment I've been waiting for and working for has finally come! I lost one pound!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yea!!!!!!!!!!! I've gone an entire week without baking and haven't had a major binge, and I think it's finally paid off. I sure hope it wasn't just water weight! But I feel really good this morning...I finally met a goal. Boy, did it take a long time, but it was worth it!
It's ironic how I immediately want to celebrate by eating something...something I don't normally eat. Isn't that the way it is in our culture? At least in my family, we often celebrate success with food. Think how the world would be a different place if we celebrated success by doing something for someone else. I think that's what I'll do. Send a note of encouragement to a friend or call someone on the phone to say hi. I think I need to establish other ways to celebrate success that DON'T include food! Anybody have any other ideas???
- Monday Jun 23, 2003
First of all, I HAVE to recommend two books I read last week that were very enlightening on the subjects of weight, overeating, and diets. One is by Betsy Lerner, called "Food and Loathing." Talk about an eye-opening book! It chronicles her own personal experience with gaining and losing weight and ultimately ending up in a hospital for trying to commit suicide!
The other book is an older one called "Feeding the Hungry Heart" by Geneen Roth. THis book contains a number of personal testimonies of overeaters...it's blunt, honest, and interesting.
I hope all of you get a chance to read those books! I ordered them from my local library.
On another note, I have had 6 straight days of good, healthy eating, exercise, and small treats! Honestly, I feel GREAT! I have treated my body well and somehow avoided falling off the wagon, which is normal for me. BUT, I still can't lose a pound! I'm maintaining my weight, which is better than the constant roller coaster of going up a pound, then down a pound, but I've GOT to be close to having a defecit of 3500 calories, which would mean a loss of 1 pound. I'm doing everything right, REALLY! I'm NOT giving up. I'm going to lose that stinkin' pound.
- Saturday Jun 21, 2003
For four days straight, I have done everything right. I treated myself to 1/2 cup of real ice cream last night, but I've worked out like crazy, stayed away from the "trigger foods," and snacked less. And I've gained 1/4 pound.
You know what, though? I'm proud of myself for sticking with the "no baking" and "no bingeing" rule. ANd even if I don't lose a pound, at least I'm not eating out of stress.
My body HAS to work with me someday. How frustrating it is to try to lose ONE pound!
- Friday Jun 20, 2003
Wow, when I read the encouraging comments on yesterday's diary, I had to hold my head to keep it from swelling! :) Really, though, I appreciate everyone's kind words. No, I'm definitely not a supermodel, but I do have a husband who thinks I'm "hot." :) hee hee (And he's pretty good looking himself! He's got killer abs)
GoLightly- It's nice to know that someone else has gotten lots of comments on her age! My own mom used to get asked if she was my big sister, since she looks young! Now she's 53, but could pass for 40. I guess my "problem" will really be a blessing later on in life! I bet you're an awesome mom. I can just tell that you love your daughter so much. And, yes, I do teach English, sort-of. I'm really a Speech, Drama, Poetry, and Broadcasting teacher. All the fun stuff, as I like to say! Maybe that's why kids like me...I teach the "cool" classes! :)
WEll, it's been a great three days! I haven't baked, and have allowed myself small treats to keep my sweet tooth satisfied. However, I haven't binged or felt out-of-control while eating. In fact, I haven't felt like raiding the pantry or fridge like I normally do...maybe it's because I'm not stressed. Honestly, I have the best job. Getting summers off is such a blessing. It gives me time to relax.
My roommate from college is coming to stay with me this weekend. She's always been into healthy food, although she's really battled her weight. She's about 50 pounds overweight, but I honestly don't know why! I eat more than she does, but I know she does like to drink pop. She's tried every diet under the sun, she works out, and I know that she gets discouraged. I think her weight gain must be genetic or something...most of her family members are overweight. She's such a beautiful girl, though, and I always try to help her remember that I love her no matter what she weighs! I just wish I knew how to better help her, because I know she looks to me for guidance.
- Thursday Jun 19, 2003
I had a crazy thing happen yesterday. I totally paid for my moment of bingeing. I've been learning some lessons the hard way lately.
After lunch, I decided I wanted a brownie, (even though I said that I wouldn't get into them again), so I got one out of the freezer. I should have stuck it in the microwave,but being so anxious to eat it, I bit down into it to see if I could eat it cold. It was chewy and delicious, but a bit too hard for my permanent retainer, which was already a bit loose. NEedless to say, one side of my retainer came out of the cement! Well, I called my husband, who got me an apt. at the dentist's office where he goes, since they have an orthodontist there, too. The ortho. seemed to know what he was doing, but I thought he might not have used enough cement. Sure enough, two minutes after I left the office, the whole thing came off! By this time, I had blown 2 hours, and was quite upset! I went back to the office, demanded my money back (in a nice way of course), and said that I'd go somewhere else. Ugh, ugh, ugh!
But, on a good note, I'm enjoying the feeling of not having a retainer on my bottom teeth very much! Usually food gets stuck in it easily. And before I get it fixed, I want to eat a really sticky carmel apple with no hesitation!!!!!!!!! :) And maybe some taffy, too!
ON another note, I'm back to "normal" this morning, whatever that is! At least I'm not over 119. I'm going to try to limit my sodium intake, too. It's not something I pay very much attention to usually.
I met with my nutritionist/ therapist yesterday, and she leveled with me a bit about my roller coaster emotions and weight. She's given me the assignment of not baking anything for a week. I can make dinner and stuff like that, but I can't bake any sweets or breads. I willingly accepted the challenge, because that is normally where I goof up royally! I have this obsession with creating perfect desserts...and then trying so much of them that I consume hundreds of extra calories!
She mentioned that I need to just stay far away from the idea that I'm "baking for someone else," when both of us know that my main reason for doing it is so I can indulge in the "forbidden food."
SO, I'm going to take a week and limit my sodium, keep my snacks to 100 calories (instead of 200), increase my fiber, and stay OUT of the kitchen, unless I'm getting creative with vegetables! :) HOpefully I'll see some progress. If not, then at least I know I'm doing the right thing for now!
- Wednesday Jun 18, 2003
I was quite anxious to get on Diet Diaries today to express my frustration. After my brownie-binge on Monday, I did everything right on Tuesday. I got plenty of exercise (about 2 hours throughout the day of running, lifting, biking, walking, etc.) and ate what I think is a good amount of calories for my body---about 1800.
THe only thing I have to show for it this morning is about 1 1/2 pounds of weight that didn't show up yesterday. Or Monday. Or Saturday or Sunday. And the ironic thing is that I had desserts and fatty foods all of those days. Yesterday was my first really good day in awhile.
Do you think I'm paying for my weekend? Do you think it's because my food yesterday was pretty high in sodium? Do you think I could have possibly put on 1 1/2 pounds when I limited my caloric intake? Or do you think my body is just refusing to lose the weight?
I was so close to my goal on Saturday. I was only a pound away. Now I'm almost 3 pounds away.
I'm discouraged, but too weary to cry about it. In the past, that's what I would have done. The strange thing is that I feel better about my body now than I have in a looong time. I don't feel heavier. I really don't!
I'm going to blame it on the extra salt. Have you ever noticed that fat free foods have a lot of salt in them? I had some really low-fat turkey bacon yesterday, fat free dressing, a protein shake, and a slice of homemade pizza with fat-free cheese...all of those foods are fairly high in salt. I can only hope that my extra weight this morning is due to what I ate, and not temporary.
Because I know that I honestly didn't consume an extra 3,500 calories. In fact, I didn't consume ONE extra calorie.
- Tuesday Jun 17, 2003
I did a very bad thing yesterday. It started rather innocently, or so I thought...
I have a weakness for brownies. A big weakness. Especially gooey brownies right out of the oven.
Well, I decided to make a batch brownies for the BIble study I was going to last night. One positive thing was that they were a fat-free brand, so they weren't loaded with oil and saturated fat. But I'm sure you can guess what happened.
I ate about 1/2 the pan. A 9"X9" pan, with 16 servings. I ate about 8 of the servings throughout the afternoon. Hmmmm...at 130 calories per serving, that was a LOT of calories! No fat, but a calorie overload.
Needless to say, I was embarrassed to take just a few brownies to the meeting, so I made some mini muffins instead and shoved the rest of the brownies into the back of my freezer where they can just stay there until I reach my goal weight!
I'm never going to actually lose the pound and a half if I have moments like that.
It's crazy, because I can eat well all day and not be focused on food, but as soon as I start baking, I just lose my motivation and shove food in my face!
Ah, confession is good for the soul, though. I'm off to a good start today, and I'm ready to give up desserts for a few days. I've had a steady strem of desserts since Friday, and I really do need a break.
- Monday Jun 16, 2003
Well, to update those who read my last e-mail, the cheesecakes turned out to be pretty tasty, but the "strawberry thing" was a disaster! IT was honestly the worst fruity dessert I've ever tried! My family tried to be encouraging, but we had to toss the whole thing out! It was soggy and gross...and we got a great laugh out of it! :)
Anyway, the weekend was pretty good, eating-wise. I'm only up 1/2 pound today, and that could be due to anything. The main thing is that I'm learning to be better self-controlled. (And less focused on food).
I hope I can just stay disciplined to lose the two pounds I've been wanting to lose since January! I just want to do it...I'm motivated and tired of giving in to my sweet tooth.
- Saturday Jun 14, 2003
Yesterday, I spent WAY too much time in the kitchen! Not because I was eating, but because I was baking, cooking, and baking some more! For my mom's birthday and for Father's Day, I decided that I would bring the "treats." That way, they can be low-fat and hopefully delicious, and I enjoy creating new desserts in the kitchen anyway!
WEll, my sister can only have gluten-free products, so that posed a bit of a challenge. But I was up to it!
First, I decided to make my dad a Snickers Cheesecake with a recipe from Cooking Light. Everything was going perfectly, until I put it in my Pampered Chef Springform Pan and tried to put it in the oven! SOmehow, the bottom slipped, and the cheesecake started falling out, all over the floor and myself! It all happened so fast. I managed to salvage most of it, but it definitely didn't look as pretty as it did originally!
THen I decided to make my sister a gluten-free cheesecake. THat turned out okay, but I have no idea if it tastes good!
After that, I attempted a gluten-free birthday cake for my mom, so my sister could have some, too. I used all the special flours and went to great pains to get what I thought was a decent recipe. Just to try it out, I made myself a small cupcake. It was rather "blah" tasting, so I wanted to try an old family trick by poking holes in the cake and filling it with jello. Then you frost the cake with whipped cream. It's really good!! The cake turns out very moist because you refigerate it.
Well, after making the cake, which took a loooong time, I meausured out the water for the jello...but boiled an extra cup without thinking!!!!!!!! So as I was pouring the jello over the cake, I realized how watery it was, and it ruined the cake! I could have cried.
So it was time to try something else. I said "forget the gluten-free stuff, she has her cheesecake," and decided to make my mom a french Strawberry pie. Unfortunately, I goofed that up pretty badly, too, and ended up throwing all the fruit and sugar and yogurt and whatever else was in it in the blender and blending it up to smoothie consistency. THen I put it over a pretzel and sugar crust and froze it. Who knows if it will taste good at all? I'm going to pick up ice cream to go with it.
All I know is that sometimes I have great success in the kitchen, and sometimes I really bomb out! I'm taking the two cheesecakes and blended fruit thing home tonight...I have a feeling that the most popular dessert item will be the store-bought ice cream that I'm picking up.
But at least I tried!!!!!!!!! I know they'll appreciate the effort, if anything.
Next time I'm letting someone else bring the goodies and I'll just have a small piece!!!!!!
- Friday Jun 13, 2003
I wasn't as good yesterday as I should have been, and I'm down a pound. SO strange. I'll never figure out the scale, so it's better not to even try! :)
I had a good talk with my husband last night about my frustrations, though. Sometimes it helps to just talk it out.
And it really helps me to write out my feelings. I get so encouraged when people leave comments...thanks to those who take the time to encourage me!
It's going to be a weekend full of family and food...what's new? I'm praying for self-control and disciple.