- Thursday Jun 12, 2003
Had a good day yesterday...but still no change. It's amazing, really. I think my body must totally resist weight loss. I stay under 1800 calories, exercise between 1-2 hours every day, and I have been totally limiting my sweets and fats. Should I drop down to 1500 calories? I hate restricting myself.
In the grocery store this morning, I saw a lady getting a donut, and my mouth was just watering. I wanted a donut. I ran 5 miles this morning...don't I deserve a donut? Yet one donut seems to wreak havoc on my weight. So I restrict what I eat.
And I never see real results. Any weight loss seems to disappear within a day, and I'm back to 119 1/2. YOu know, I'd be happy there if I knew that I CAN lose the 2 pounds. BUt I obviously CAN'T. I thought I was doing everything right.
I know, I know, patience is a virtue. I need an extra dose of patience today, because I've been patient long enough. I just want to not worry about what I eat. But I doubt that will ever be a reality.
- Wednesday Jun 11, 2003
It was disheartening to see that I'm a pound heavier today than I was on Monday. I didn't weigh myself yesterday. I think I know why...I've gotten lazy already. I'm not on my feet all day long like when I'm teaching, and I tend to eat more when I'm home preparing all my meals than when I pack my lunches to go to school.
You know, I've come to the conclusion that giving up the freedom to eat whatever I want is harder than I thought it would be. FOr five years, I was very careful of what I ate. I hardly let fattening foods touch my lips, and I worked out religiously. I still work out religiously, but since I've been married, I've allowed many new foods in the house because I'm cooking for a man now.
I used to stay far away from peanut butter, real cheese, red meat, homemade cookies, etc., even though I had my weak moments when I overindulged on sweets and candy. But it seems like I've allowed myself to get lazy in eating snacks and bigger meals since it's so much easier to eat the foods when they're in my house. I can't just throw out the peanut butter and never serve my husband steak again...I need to re-learn how to eat smaller portions and under 200-calorie snacks.
I remember when I used to snack on flavored rice cakes. (I honestly like them!) Now, I snack on yogurt, granola bars, candy, cottage cheese, and sometimes all at once! It's not that my snacks are all that "bad," it's that I eat several of them instead of one! And snacks before bed have gotten terrible! Even if I'm eating low-fat ice cream, I love to crumble low-fat Oreos and fat-free carmel topping on it...and before I know it, I've consumed 400 calories!
It's so hard to cut back when I've gotten used to eating more. But what has eating more done for me? It's added over 5 pounds to my small frame, taken away my flat stomach, and sent me on this roller coaster of emotions where I find my thoughts dictated by what the scale says in the mornings.
So I've come to the conclusion that I need to eat less. I've known this for awhile, but I'm determined to stick with my plan. I'll still eat 5 times a day, but I'm aiming for 300-500 calorie meals, and 200 calorie snacks. That's a total of about 1500-1700 calories. I envision myself cutting back on 200-500 calories a day and losing these three pounds once and for all after a couple of weeks. Then I can maintain my weight at 117 pounds, hopefully.
I'm going to have my low-calorie protein shakes as one of my snacks and yogurt, carrots, or fruit as my other snack. I usually have no trouble eating a very healthy, filling lunch or dinner...but I BLOW IT when I start snacking.
So I feel in a way that I'm starting over today. I'm not going to fall off the wagon...I will have my moments, I'm sure, when I eat more because I'm around family or a special occasion, but I will be ready for that. I'll be careful not to overdo it on a regular basis so I can allow myself to enjoy some treats once in awhile.
I've definitely had too much of a good thing lately! And although I've enjoyed eating all the forbidden foods, I haven't enjoyed the toll it's taken on me emotionally.
I feel much better after writing all this. Just to keep myself accountable, I'm going to write down what I plan to eat today:
Breakfast (already eaten)- 350 calories of high protein and fiber cereal. One hard boiled egg white.
Lunch- turkey and fat free cheese on toasted whole-grain bread. An orange. Tomatoes.
Snack- carrots, two rice cakes, 1/2 cup cottage cheese.
Dinner- chicken breast in a low-carb tortilla. Veggies. 1/2 apple.
Snack- chocolate protein shake. 1/2 cup cereal.
There! I want to report tomorrow that I followed my goal. I'm tired of being very disciplined in every other area of my life and being sloppy in what I eat.
I'm a new woman today.
- Tuesday Jun 10, 2003
I did pretty well yesterday, although I had about 300 calories in candy by the time the day was over. I'm staying away from it today. Totally away. I love fireballs and bought a big bag of them...they're only about 20 calories or so and last awhile, so they are fun to eat. But I don't need the candy every day.
You know, since I was home for lunch yesterday, I had many more options of things to eat...and I did a bit of staring into my cupboards and fridge, wanting to just binge on whatever I could find that is normally considered "off-limits." I used to do this more often, especially when stressed, because I temporarily felt better. But yesterday I was quite relaxed and just couldn't bring myself to dig into the peanut butter or chocolate or cookies. It just didn't look as tempting as it usually does! It was a small step in the right direction for me, I think.
- Monday Jun 09, 2003
For the first time in about 6 weeks, I am under 119 pounds on a Monday! I'm not going to try to analyze why it could be...I'm just going to be thankful!
Today is the first day of summer vacation for me. I'm planning to have a restful summer until the school year starts again in the fall. For the first time in 8 years, I'm not working at all...how strange it will be! I'll probably get bored, but I'm going to enjoy the extra rest. I usually eat better in the summer, too, because I'm less stressed.
My goal is to lose 1 pound this week and 1 next week and then to maintain my weight between 116-118 pounds.
- Friday Jun 06, 2003
Yesterday was a so-so day, food-wise. I splurged on an ice cream sundae with a student who I have worked with throughout the year. We had a great time together, but I think I'm paying for it today with the extra weight. What a bummer. It's too bad that enjoying food with another person can lead to a depressing number on the scale.
BUT, on a good note, today is my LAST day of school!!!!!! I'm off for the summer! I hope I don't stress-eat as much this summer...I shouldn't, since I doubt I'll be as stressed! It seems like there are always more occasions to eat in the summer, but I usually stay pretty active.
Anyway, I'm tired of battling the same 3 pounds. I'm going to lose them for good!!!!!!!!!
- Thursday Jun 05, 2003
Well, after my one good day, I had one BAD day. (So I didn't weigh myself this morning).
During our staff potluck, I indulged in a brownie, piece of cake, and the filling of several cream puffs. As if that wasn't enough, I took some cream puffs home and ate the filling out of more of them. (I only like the filling). Then I had some candy. Ugh. I didn't eat dinner until 9pm because I was tired of eating junk. It's amazing how badly I feel after consuming a lot of sugar...don't you think I'd learn my lesson???
There are cream puffs in the lounge again today, but I'm staying away from them. Far, far away.
I read an article last night about reflexology and how certain spots on the foot can be massaged to help a person lose weight...hmmmm...anybody heard anything about this? I'm figuring it has something to do with being less stressed, which causes a person not to "stress-eat."
- Wednesday Jun 04, 2003
I did it! I finally had ONE GOOD DAY. No desserts, no peanut butter, no scale...and no deprivation! I enjoyed my healthy meals, had a chocolate mint protein shake before bed, and felt really good about myself!
I went on a "Prayer Walk" last night with a friend from church. We walked through town and prayed for over an hour! It was a really neat experience...I sure didn't feel like shoving food in my mouth after that!
Today is a staff potluck. Already, the goodies are coming in. I made a 5-layer sugar-free jello with fat-free evaporated milk mixed in with 3 of the layers. It's low-calorie and very colorful, and at least I'll be able to enjoy that! I really want to do well today...no sneaking cake between classes or something. I hate it when I feel like I need to be all sneaky about my eating. I want to break that habit.
- Tuesday Jun 03, 2003
This morning I decided not to weigh myself. So I didn't. Itwas tough, but I'm tired of being discouraged. Unfortunately, my pants felt tighter than normal, so I still felt badly. I guess I'm still a little discouraged, because I've been writing in this diary for 4 months and have only gained weight. I seem to lack the discipline I need to cut my calories. I've tried so many tricks...chewing gum, brushing my teeth, and I drink water like a fish! But I have such a hard time saying no to snacks. I'm done with school after Friday and looking forward to summer. I seem to eat more when I'm teaching because of stress...I tend to be very relaxed in the summer.
I just wish I could have ONE GOOD DAY. Today is going to be that day. No dessert, no peanut butter, no shoving low-fat snack foods in my mouth. Just healthy whole grains, protein, fruits, and veggies. I'm going to do it!!!!!!!!!!
- Monday Jun 02, 2003
First of all, I had a wonderful weekend...the wedding for my sister went sooo well, and I had a great time at all the graduation open houses. Yes, I did enjoy some really good food, and the scale is probably reflecting that, but I have this theory about Mondays.
I think a "fat fairy" visits me on Sunday night. The reason is, I am ALWAYS about 2-3 pounds heavier on Monday morning than I am on Sunday morning, even if I had a bad Saturday! It never shows up until Monday. I think the fat fairy just likes to try to discourage me at the start of a new week, and for the past 5 months, she has!
However, this morning was the first morning that I weighed so much more than normal and DIDN'T cry...I DIDN'T pout...and I DIDN'T argue about it with my husband. I just looked at the dumb scale, realized that it was Monday and it will change by Friday, and decided to take a much more positive outlook on my week. I know that I won't be eating like I did this weekend. And I know that I'll probably go back to 118 1/2. At least, I hope so!
I just don't want to continue to go up...
Blasted fat fairy!!!
- Friday May 30, 2003
I almost had a great day yesterday...but I bought some dried cantalope and ate far too much of it! Man, that stuff is great, but it is chock full of sugar! On another note, I am back to what I weighed last Friday, so maybe I'm back on track. I hope so. I also hope food isn't too much of a focus this weekend. I'm so excited for all the events!