- Thursday May 29, 2003
I used to get upset when I saw "119" on the scale...now I'm somewhat relieved! I'm just glad it's under 120. It's amazing how those numbers don't look quite as bad as they used to...although I'd still like to get back to 116.
This is a HUGE weekend for me...my sister is getting married, I have 4 open houses to attend, and I have a potluck picnic on Sunday. Starting on Friday night, all the parties will begin...and they'll all revolve around food!
I'll really have to practice some self-control, even though I'll want to enjoy the celebrations. I just have to tell myself that one portion is enough. I don't need two or three or four.
- Wednesday May 28, 2003
I thought that the scale was playing a cruel joke on me yesterday, but it was only 1/2 pound different today.
How could it really be 4-5 pounds different??? I just don't understand it.
I really think that I must be doing something wrong...I did have some low-fat dessert yesterday, but otherwise, I ate really well!
I know that I need to be patient. But I worked SO hard to get back to about 116, and then in ONE day, I put on four pounds! And all because I had some extra dessert. I really don't get it.
I used to be able to eat more without having it go straight to my stomach...and I'm only 25! What happens when I don't run, bike, or work out so much? I'll probably gain 15 pounds! And I eat low-fat and aim for a modest 1800 calories!
WHAT am I doing wrong? I am so conscious about eating fruits, veggies, good protein, healthy carbs...but something is throwing my body off whack. I can't maintain my weight as soon as I have one bad day.
- Tuesday May 27, 2003
I gained 5 pounds in one night. Yes, I really did. Somehow the scale was 5 pounds heavier this morning than last morning!!! I'm in denial, though, because I KNOW without a doubt that I did NOT consume 5 pounds worth of extra calories!
It was unbelievably hard to see myself go over 120 this morning, even though I know in my heart that it can't be right.
Let me explain.
I had three EXCELLENT eating days this weekend from Friday to Sunday...I ate well, exercised, and felt better about myself than I have in a LONG time...plus, I got plenty of sleep! I weighed myself Sunday morning on my scale and was FINALLY down to my goal weight! I felt great!!
Monday came along, and I had a big Memorial Day party...we had steaks, baked beans, corn, you name it. But pretty good stuff. Unfortunately, my friends brought some desserts, including a rich chocolate cake and a peanut butter fruit-pizza thing. Well, I ran a 10K in the morning and biked for 25 minutes, too, so I figured I could treat myself to a small piece of steak and dessert. Unfortunately, I ended up eating several pieces of cake and fruit-pizza, but I really didn't think I overdid it. In fact, I went walking twice during the night and had a small dinner while the rest of my friends pigged out.
I couldn't wait to get to the weight room this morning to weigh myself after yesterday's encouragement on my scale at home. Imagine my surprise when I weighed in heavier than I've been in over 2 months!!!! I thought that the scale MUST be off, so I hurried home and stepped on my own scale.
I was 5 pounds heavier.
I want to blame it on the salt...I had pickles, a steak, steak sauce, etc.
I want to blame it on a short night of sleep.
I want to blame it on anything but the fact that I enjoyed a couple too many extra pieces of dessert.
I know that it's not physically possible to gain 5 pounds in one night...but 2 scales said that I did.
And within a span of 24 hours, I went from feeling REALLY good about myself and my progress to feeling pretty discouraged and being heavier than I've been in over 2 months!
I sure hope this is a temporary weight gain that I lose quickly...because I know that I didn't deserve it. I honestly didn't deserve it this time.
Three good days and one bad one shouldn't lead to a weight gain of 5 pounds.
It just shouldn't.
- Friday May 23, 2003
Ahhh...another week down. And a big Memorial Weekend ahead of me! Every day is going to be spent with family and friends, and I'm a bit apprehensive and anxious about all the food that will be consumed. However, this year, I have planned the BBQ on Monday, so I will be deciding the menu! At least that gives me a sense of relief, since I can leave out the foods that tend to trip me up. I just hope I make it to Tuesday without a big binge! I want to enjoy the company and food, but the company most of all!
- Thursday May 22, 2003
I'll never understand the dumb scale, but one thing I do understand: I can destroy a week's worth of "hard work" in a few short minutes of indulgence...those extra calories are soooo easy to put on and then they're "saved" on my stomach! Wouldn't it be nice if it was as easy to save money?
- Wednesday May 21, 2003
Well, I really blew it yesterday. Fell off the wagon. Hit my head on the pavement. And I hope I don't have a day like that again for awhile. Those goodies in the teachers' lounge tempted me every hour yesterday. I probably ate a total of 5-6 pieces of dessert. Maybe more! And yet I really didn't care...I was so apathetic about it! That worries me a bit since I used to care more when I'd binge. But I got back on track, cut out the snacks, and had a healthy, low-calorie dinner. Today's a new day, and I'm going to do better. I really don't know what happened yesterday, but I didn't weigh myself this morning because I just didn't want to see the numbers go up...I bet I consumed at least an extra 1000 calories yesterday. That may not show an immediate gain on the scale, but it doesn't help the situation.
But I'm learning...I'm learning that I still have bingeing moments when I least expect them! I just can't figure myself out sometimes...I have some really yummy goodies in my cupboards at home that I manage not to indulge in, but as soon as something is new and within my reach (usually at a place other than home), I try to sneak as many pieces of it as I can! Is there a name for this kind of behavior? It's sneaky, wasteful, and ridiculous!
I feel fairly normal in all other areas of my life, but my eating habits really are abnormal. I'm thankful some of you can relate. That's a real encouragement to me!
- Tuesday May 20, 2003
I already wrote this morning, but I have to add another entry. I am such a sucker for desserts! There are left-over desserts in the teachers' lounge today from last night...I managed to pass them up last night, but my curiosity got the better of me and I lost control this morning. I wasn't even hungry, but I ended up having several bites of 4 different desserts and throwing the rest away! Not only is it wasteful, I was doing it in secret...and feeling like I was "getting away with something." I hate it when I binge like that. And they're still in there, calling my name...although I'm not even hungry! I'll just have to avoid the lounge if possible today.
- Tuesday May 20, 2003
WEll, I feel better this morning after last morning...and not really because the scale went down 3/4 pound. I'm trying to just get a better perspective on this all...and realize that in the grand scheme of things, three pounds is NOT the end of the world.
I did have my moment of weakness yesterday...made a carmel-apple cake for my class and just "had to make" two cupcakes so I could "try it." Well, I had both of them, plus some ice cream, and ate them in the kitchen standing up, which is a habit I'm trying to break.
I talked over my frustrations with my husband last night. I think I'm just feeling the stress of the end of the school year...it gets pretty busy in my job! And if I'm feeling a bit stressed, I tend to make mountains out of molehills and eat more in the process.
- Monday May 19, 2003
NO loss. I did so well yesterday. Friday and Saturday were pretty tough with all the family stuff...but I thought that after running almost 20 miles in 3 days, I would be able to lose a pound.
It's so ironic. I swear that anyone who adopted my lifestyle (lots of exercise, enough sleep, no smoking or drinking, low-fat foods) would be able to lose at least a few pounds! But my body completely throws all the "diet advice" back in the faces of the "diet doctors." I must be doing something wrong. I do have desserts (low-fat ones, usually) once every few days, but I usually kick up the level of exercise to compensate for it.
I've been waiting for an encouraging number to appear on the scale (117???) for over a month now.
What's harder than not seeing any improvement is that nagging voice in the back of my brain telling me that I failed. I tried and tried, but I failed. Normally, I'm a very positive person with a healthy perspective on life and myself. But when it comes to the last 5 months, I've allowed myself to get discouraged because I can't get back to 116 pounds. It's more than just the numbers on the scale...it's that feeling of never making progress but trying so hard.
I have a confession to make. I haven't had ONE day off of exercise in over a year. (And I mean at LEAST 30 minutes of aerobic exercise with an elevated heart rate) May 13, 2002 was the last day that I didn't exercise, and that was because I had a minor surgerical procedure and was in the hospital.
Since then, I have faithfully and religiously managed to exercise to keep my metabolism revved and stay in shape. I ran on my wedding day. I ran in below-zero temperatures in the middle of winter. I've run with jet lag, and I've gotten up at 5am to go swimming. I lift weights at least 5 times a week, and I'm on my feet all day.
After an entire year of never taking a break, I'm weary, 5 pounds heavier, and tired. Man, am I tired.
I want to stop this insanity, but I'm soooo afraid. If I can gain weight that easily while running 5-6 miles a day, then what will happen when I take a day off?
If I can gain weight while eating low-fat and counting calories, then what will happen when I indulge in the type of food I never eat anymore?
I'll tell you what my worst fear is...it's going back to 152 pounds, which is what I was 5 years ago.
This is a long entry, but I just had to get all my feelings out.
- Friday May 16, 2003
I did really well at the Chinese buffet...stayed away from fried foods, and ate mostly veggies. But somehow I'm still a pound and a half up this morning. Ugh! How discouraging. I just can't seem to keep my weight at where it was 5 months ago. I enjoyed a dessert yesterday, and a few jellybeans, too...and all of the extra calories must have added up. I just wish I could enjoy extras once in awhile without always knowing that it will lead to weight gain! I work so hard to keep it down, but it still creeps up...and I work out like a maniac! I honestly don't know why it's so easy for me to gain weight. It's never been this bad!!!!!!!! Of course, I do have to watch my snacks, but I've been a lot better lately. My body must just be resisting going back to what I was before Christmas. I thought that 116 pounds would be fine, but after 5 months, it's only continued to fluctuate around 119.
Tonight is another family celebration. More goodies.
(another deep sigh)
Even though I'll eat super-healthy all day, the extra goodies will probably add another pound.
Someday I want to enjoy food like some of my friends, who never worry about calories and still seem to maintain their weight!!!!!!!
Ah, well...life goes on!