- Friday Feb 21, 2003
I wish I could report that I didn't lose it with the donuts yesterday, but I did. After school, I went in the lounge, and they were all just looking at me...and I ate the frosting off of several of them and threw the rest away. That is so wasteful and dumb to do. How do I begin to convince myself that one is enough? Why do I feel the need to eat more than one? I never feel better afterwards...only while I'm eating them does it "feel good." It's like I enjoy the feeling of getting away with something...and I waste food and consume excess calories in the process.
Today my pants felt really tight...I haven't had clothes feel tight on me for a long time. I've had a pretty good day eating-wise today, but the day's not over yet. At least I've stayed away from the peanut butter for the last two days.
I just wish I could get back to 116. I feel like I'm really stuck in a rut and I somehow allow food to control me instead of the other way around. I want to eat to live, not live to eat.
- Thursday Feb 20, 2003
Well, I thought I must have lost weight after my NYC trip since I didn't really have those "bingeing times" that I usually have at home and I was so active the whole time. I didn't get to weigh myself until this morning, though, and yesterday I had one of those peanut-butter fixes...so I put on whatever I probably lost!!! I also ate dinner late at night, though, so I may have been retaining a bit of water and salt. I'm really having a hard time right now...there are two huge boxes of my FAVORITE donuts in the teachers' lounge...I already had about a 1/2 donut, but I could eat waaay more than that. In fact, I could eat the frosting off of all the donuts without thinking twice about it if I let myself. Usually my hungriest time of the day is at 3:00pm, when I go grab my healthy snack from the lounge...those donuts will still be there, and I know that they'll look really, really good. I want to pass up the chance to pick at them and eat them in private, which is what I usually do. I want to be strong. I have to do this...I'm so tired of completely losing it when something yummy and "off-limits" is just calling my name. I enjoyed my 1/2 donut, and that should be enough. Why would 5 more donuts make me feel any better? They won't. So I'm writing this down now to help keep me accountable. I want to report tomorrow that I didn't give in to the urge to eat them all...I want to do what's good for me, and I have the snacks here that are good for me. I don't need donuts.
This is so hard for me.
- Sunday Feb 16, 2003
I'm on vacation, so I haven't been able to weight myself, which is probably a good thing. I get weary of contsantly analyzing the numbers on the scale.
I've eaten pretty well so far, which I'm happy about. I've had some fattier foods than normal, but I walked about 6 hours yesterday all over NYC, so I'm sure I burned off most of what I ate! Plus, I didn't have those "binging" moments that I often get when I'm home. I just ate at mealtimes, snacked once or twice, and was fine!
Today might be a bit harder to control what I eat. We're meeting a couple at a fancy restaurant for brunch, and I checked out the menu...not much looks low-fat! Actually, nothing looks low-fat! I'll just try to make a wise choice and be careful what I eat the rest of the day.
I think that all restuarants should have low-fat options on their menus...and be up-front about it! Don't other people care about fat and calories when they eat out? Some restaurants seem to thrive on marinating everything in rich sauces and frying all their dishes...I usually don' t even enjoy the taste of those foods...they're too rich! (Although desserts are a different story!)
- Friday Feb 14, 2003
For some reason, putting on weight just makes me want to eat more. I seem to lack self-control when I feel discouraged. I know that I probably put on water weight easily, but I tried getting into some jeans today that I hadn't put in in several months and I couldn't zip them up...they were so tight!!! I can honestly feel the 7 pounds that I've gained. And I've gained it all in my stomach and butt, so it directly affects how my clothes fit!!! I wish I weren't so hungry so often...I try to be careful with my calories, but I just lose it so easily! For example, I came home from school today and just gobbled up more peanut butter. Will I ever be satisfied with ONE tablespoon and not four? I can't believe that I went about 3 years without really eating peanut butter, and now I just can't seem to get enough of it. Has my willpower gone out the window?? Funny how I can pass up food in front of people but can totally lose it in the comfort and security of my own home.
Well, I'm off to NYC. My jeans feel tight, and I'm feeling a bit discouraged, but tomorrow is a new day! And my husband loves me very much...and it's Valentine's Day! So I'm going to keep my chin up and try not to keep thinking about food, weight, and how I feel. I'm tired of having my thoughts consumed with myself.
- Friday Feb 14, 2003
It was hard for me to type in 119 lbs. again this morning. I'm back up two pounds. (In one day? How does it happen so quickly????) Well, I deserve it, because I had about 4 servings of brownies with ice cream last night, and had some candy and "extras" after school yesterday. I am feeling a bit discouraged because I'm leaving with my husband for NYC tonight...and I'm afraid that I won't be able to enjoy the experience (at least eating) because I'm stressed about my weight. Whenever we take trips, it seems like we eat out more and try new things that are usually full of fat and calories. I'm really afraid of coming back and weighing myself on Tuesday and being 3 lbs. heavier...just like I was this past Tuesday after a weekend at home.
Does anyone know what it actually takes to put on a pound? I thought it was a couple thousand extra calories...and I KNOW that I didn't consume 4,000 calories extra between Wed. and Thursday! But why am I up two pounds?
Is it true that eating salt can make you heavier? I do love seasonings and use them liberally when I make veggies, soups, etc.
I wish I understood the relationship between calories, fat, and weight gain better. I think I need a nutritionist to inform me of my calorie-burn. I thought it was really high because I run pretty hard, but maybe it's not as high as I think it is.
- Thursday Feb 13, 2003
Somehow I am down one more pound...although I'm not sure how it happened, since I had a brownie/ ice cream binge last night! I bought some Light Edy's ice cream (which still racks up 4.5 grams of fat and 130 calories per half cup!) and made some brownies with the intention of taking a brownie-ice cream dessert to my church small group. Well, the ice cream didn't harden in time, so I ended up coming home and eating about 1/3 of the 8X8 inch pan! Then I felt sick afterward. It didn't help that my husband was away...he had to leave for Detroit for business at the last minute. I think that stressed me out a bit because it interrupted my "routine." I'm a person of routine, and I get thrown off if I don't always have things planned out. I appreciated Tigger's comment to me about seeing a nutritionist...I think I'll look into that. Wow. It's nice to know that I'm not the only one with weird habits about food. My husband is so "normal" that I tend to think I'm crazy! :)
- Wednesday Feb 12, 2003
Well, I was pleased to see that I dropped one pound and now am down to 118. It's still more than I've been in 4 1/2 years, but I know what I need to do to stay at this weight. I need to quit overeating when I'm stressed. I got into the peanut butter and had several spoonfulls yesterday after getting home, but other than that, I ate pretty well and was full. One thing I can't stand is being hungry. I used to think that I had some type of eating disorder, but I'm not anorexic (I love to eat too much) and I'm not bulemic (I could never throw up my food...yuck!). I guess I just exercise too much and have small "eating binges" once in awhile...is there a name for that kind of "disorder?" I definitely know that my behavior isn't normal at times. I mean, how often do mothers bake cookies and eat half of them??? I LOVE to bake and cook, but rarely do it because I'm afraid of overeating whatever I create!!! Anyway...just typing out my feelings is therapeutic. I feel better getting my thoughts out. I try to keep a journal, but I type much faster than I write, so this is easier.
Just out of curiosity...does anyone else out there ever "sneak" food when it seems like no one is looking? I know this probably sounds crazy, but sometimes I get a thrill out of eating junk food when no one else is around. For example, there might be a box of donuts in the teachers' lounge, and I'll just eat 3 of them when no one else is in the room! Or I'll take several frosted donuts and lick off all the frosting and throw the rest of the donut away! Is that odd or what? I just do weird things sometimes when food is available and no one else is around...it's like I want to get away with something! That type of behavior just seems abnormal, but I do it anyway.
- Tuesday Feb 11, 2003
I appreciate the helpful comments! Isn't it crazy how food and weight can play such an integral role in a person's self-confidence? I hope I don't have a moment of weakness tonight...I really want to just eat balanced meals and not over-do it.
- Tuesday Feb 11, 2003
I haven't struggled with my weight like this for a long time. I am a runner, and I consistently run for at least 35 minutes every day. I am very active and usually hungry several times a day. I used to eat very low-fat, but then I got married, and I find myself slipping up all the time. For example, peanut butter used to be banned from my diet except on rare occasions...now I can find myself eating it by the spoonful! It's like I can't get enough of it. I still eat pretty low-fat, but I lose it when I snack right after school (I'm a teacher) or at night. I can rationalize eating more now since I'm married and am cooking for two people. I thought I had a pretty fast metabolism, but I've put on 7 pounds in 7 months. I don't like my body anymore. I used to be so thin without an ounce of fat, and I can actually feel the 7 pounds. This morning I topped 119 pounds, which means that I gained three pounds in three days. Is that normal? I was only 116 lbs. on Saturday, but I had a big weekend of eating lots of sweets...I was home for my sister's engagement celebration, and then I did some baking myself. I really have a hard time just having one dessert...I can eat up to 4 or 5 cookies without even taking time to think about it! I really wish I didn't focus so much on food. Lots of people would love to be my size, but they don't realize how incredibly hard I work at staying this thin. I used to be 150 lbs. and lost over 30 lbs. I haven't taken a day off of exercise in at least 8 months. I get up at 5:15 am every morning to run in the rain, snow, sleet, whatever. I often lift weights in the morning and at night. And yet I've gained 7 pounds because I have too big of a sweet tooth. I need to learn self-control and I need to not make food my focus. I wish I had someone to talk to who is in my type of situation. I'm so discouraged over my body, and I know it's not a healthy attitutde.