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happy-1 - Friday Feb 23, 2018
(Paleo + beans + oatmeal + bootcamp + fitbit)
Weight: 230.4

Because it deserves a completely separate post all on its own... Molly never returned the fit bit after all and the occupational therapist she's seeing talked her into trying it. I'm so happy!!!! I'm so very happy! She's going to feel so much better.

Progress as of today: 77.6 lbs lost so far, only 50.4 lbs to go!

bearcountrygg on 02/24/2018:
And it looks like HAPPY IS HAPPY TOO!!!!!

happy-1 on 02/25/2018:
Yeah! I am glad that cash didn't get wasted when money is tight... and that she's going to be brave and try to feel better.


Donkey on 02/24/2018:
Oh that's WONDERFUL! Maybe she just needed to hear it from someone else.

happy-1 on 02/25/2018:
Yeah... a professional I guess. She'll disappear for a few more months and maybe she'll be down to hang out after summer is over.



happy-1 - Friday Feb 23, 2018
(Paleo + beans + oatmeal + bootcamp + fitbit)
Weight: 230.4

Another down... on the scale that is!!! 2lbs!!! I'd be worried about that much in one weigh in but I haven't weighed myself for at least a week. I did have breakfast before weigh in though so it might be more or less... but close enough for today. Getting ready to head over to the school and do paperwork.

Up: 6:30 am. Actually heard my alarm and didn't hit snooze... but the alarm must have been on for a bit. Not used to being up that early so I staggered around a little instead of hitting the ground running.

----

Hit a snag with the training and need to regroup with the EDD... make sure that I am ok.

----

6:30 b: oatmeal (half serving, couldn't finish it), caffeine shot. Brain could not pull together coffee.

10: S - chili cheese fries (leftovers), diet coke

12: cheese stick, sweet potato crackers.

2:30 - cheese stick

5ish - lean cuisine. Chicken and noodles. Will have to get my dad more. Just got too hungry and there wasn't anything easy to grab. I made up some meal preps after that.

7ish - turkey burger with sweet potato fries and guac and cheese. Southwestern sauce. Yum.... so good.

9ish - sleep aid + yogurt, berries, granola.

10:20. In bed. Hoping to make it to the riverside Botanical gardens in the morning for a meetup with old fat hikers

Progress as of today: 77.6 lbs lost so far, only 50.4 lbs to go!

horn_of_plenty on 02/23/2018:
good job...over the next 2 months i plan to lose the weight i gained over the past 2 months. It's noticable on my stomach area to me...it's softer than it used to be = gained some fat. I gained around 2-3lbs....and when you weigh a low weight, it's very noticable, that little difference.


bearcountrygg on 02/24/2018:
Congrats on the 2 pound loss!!!



happy-1 - Thursday Feb 22, 2018
(Paleo + beans + oatmeal + bootcamp + fitbit)
Weight: 230.4

Today was ups and downs...

Ups - Because I found out my funding for training was approved. I have a shot at a sys admin certification. 4 month program that starts Monday and I need to go in for tomorrow.

Downs - Because my ex got his Valentine's day card back in the mail return to sender, and just the envelope from mine, no card. I asked him to resend his... I haven't gotten a Valentine since the 5th grade and he got mad at me. He says he likes me but he doesn't know what to do and can't do anything right.

He's also mad because I didn't stick around down there to hear him DJ in Second Life. I hadn't even known he did Second Life. I had wondered why he never struck out and built a new network after his second marriage fell apart... No sports teams or groups... apparently he just got really into Second Life. I told him I didn't stick around because I only found out he was into it that weekend and it isn't really something I get. I didn't want to say the wrong thing and make him uncomfortable while he was doing his performance... Rather let him have his private "safe" place to himself and then learn more about it. It isn't like a club performance... you can't mix with a crowd or meet their friends if you aren't already set up in the game... it would have just been me bored off my ass and staring at him. Plus I missed my dog and wanted to sleep in my own bed. I just don't get things like Second Life, renaissance fair, being able to play music but not doing a band, board game marathons, u

I told him to do whatever makes him happy... I like him but all I want is for him to be happy. He does everything fine. I just want the basics... a card or a mixtape on a holiday... plans that don't revolve around food and drink that isn't on my fitness plan... like the free days at the museum or a day at the beach. (He did bariatric surgery a few years ago and eats a lot of crap. He loves the hipster places with fancy ice cream and booze and is gaining the weight back. I enjoyed going but a) they bore me, b) it's a lot of work to get some chow, c) bad for you.) If I drive down to SD not to have to turn around and leave first thing in the AM. I struggle with driving.

---

Is it bad that my first thought was I need to meal prep for Monday and maybe I need a new lunch bag? My current lunch bag only fits 3 meals, a drink and some snacks.

https://isolatorfitness.com/products/6-meal-isobag-mossy-pink

---

Oatmeal, caffeine shot

deli turkey and coleslaw

sweet potato turkey chili cheese fries

2 brownies

 

 

Progress as of today: 77.6 lbs lost so far, only 50.4 lbs to go!


happy-1 - Wednesday Feb 21, 2018
(Paleo + beans + oatmeal + bootcamp + fitbit)
Weight: 232.2

Yesterday was so rough I scrapped my entry mostly so I never think about it again. Mostly I learned thatI should never stick around at home in the AM and that I should always just go for a walk when my dad starts nudging for treats.

Augh.

Today I will go to my track workout and focus on making up my pill packs and doing my personal papers

----

Got too toothache-y, hungry and cold while I was working on stuff and came home. For some reason I had this impulse to start on the third bedroom and try to clear some of it out. This was a decent plan since my splitting headache meant nothing which requires focus was going to happen today. I pulled boxes out to the living room and went through them, chucking as I went. It's about 1:30am and I cleared about an eighth of the floor space in there, which I filled with a chair and a dog bed from the living room. Most of what I pulled out went to the recycling bin. Just old boxes with a bunch of plastic bags and maybe one shoe. I just focused on repacking and condensing stuff.

Didn't get anything done today that I needed to get done but now at least there is a spot to escape to if I am not feeling well again and I need to be home in the morning. I'll keep cleaning it out, I guess. It is packed to the ceiling and will take a while. ----

8:30 - oatmeal, coffee half and half

Not really sure after that.

Deli meat andcoleslaw

3 nutrigrain bars

2 lean cuisines, 2 cups veggies

2 cheese sticks and some sweet potato crackers

Diet 7 up

Progress as of today: 75.8 lbs lost so far, only 52.2 lbs to go!

horn_of_plenty on 02/21/2018:
Yes, remain on task today! and i'll do the same!

let me tell you - i'm glad i planned well for this week....bc now i have an entirely different commute starting tomorrow and i'm so glad that the gym is today and not tomorrow after the first day at a new location working with new people. just so glad that i have an easier second half the week and that the busy schedule after work ends today so that i'm not having a new commute along with after work commitments too. thankful for planning well :) it's good i do not have guinea pigs!


bearcountrygg on 02/21/2018:
If mornings are a problem with them then you are right to avoid seeing them in the morning...agreed.

happy-1 on 02/23/2018:
Yeah. It's an adhd thing... the brain isn't active in the am so triggering the flight or flight response by doing battle gets them sharpened up for the day so they are addicted to it. A nice cup of coffee and a run or dog walk does the same thing... but shrinks are junk and adhd isn't real so they don't need to see anyone about it, right?


Maria7 on 02/22/2018:
Hope you are having a good afternoon.



happy-1 - Tuesday Feb 20, 2018
(Paleo + beans + oatmeal + bootcamp + fitbit)
Weight: 232.2

Coffee/ half and half, oatmeal,

Broccoli and quiche

2 chicken legs, 2 wings, part of a thigh

Freebirds carnitas burrito bowl with all the fixings

1/3 of a brownie

Progress as of today: 75.8 lbs lost so far, only 52.2 lbs to go!

bearcountrygg on 02/20/2018:
Rat ...or Mouse? It would take a pretty big hole for a rat to come in. Mice can get into a hole the size of a nickel. They carry the hanta virus...Trap time.

happy-1 on 02/20/2018:
Yeah she doesn't believe me and won't let me in her room.


bearcountrygg on 02/20/2018:
I just read under my diary that you climbed a glacier once!!!!! AMAZING....You need to give yourself more credit!!!

happy-1 on 02/23/2018:
It was really scary fun.


Maria7 on 02/21/2018:
Hope you are having a good day.

happy-1 on 02/21/2018:
Thank you! I think I will plan some prayer meditation.



happy-1 - Monday Feb 19, 2018
(Paleo + beans + oatmeal + bootcamp + fitbit)
Weight: 232.2

Got woken up at 2am. I was cuddled with my dog but couldn't get back to sleep. I had some chicken ramen, she had some buiscuts. Love her. She's my valentine.

---

Black Panther was a great movie!!! I had a lot of fun with her and her son.

---

Huge storm headed this way. Have to stick close to home tonight. No sierra club conditioning hike for me. Might not even make it to the grocer... palm trees are all at a 45 angle already and it hasn't hit yet.

---

I made ice cube portions of grated ginger, chia, and flax to put in my oatmeal. Swapped margerine for coconut oil, omg!!!! So much more like a really good hot cookie! And so much more fiber and stuff that's good for you.

---

Made burger dinner for family. Chanced the gale by running out between storms to get my dad some rolls, but screwed up that attempt at making him feel good by getting confused when he said "what good are rolls without something to put on them?" and right now he has ham and a bunch of deli meats I bought... So I said "I could give them to my dog, but I thought you wanted them because I was making burgers and you wouldn't eat burgers without buns..." and he got mad because I said I could give them to my dog. I dunno why that's an issue. She's the only one in the house who is supposed to be eating simple carbs. Plus he is mad at me because I went out without taking him.., I didn't want him in the car if the storm hit before I made it back but he couldn't process that. They are really high winds and even the slightest thing hurts him.

UGH

Then I screwed up after dinner by trying to clean up while he and my mom were still at the table. I was cleaning up, nobody was helping, so I tried to move his arm to wipe the table and he got mad.

UGH

---

2:30am - chicken ramen, smart balance, simple carbs... bad for me.

9:30 am - power oatmeal, half and half, coffee

1pm - cliff bar

4pm - mp burrito bowl, sweet potato crackers

7:45pm - turkey burger, fried egg, 1/2 a cheese stick, veggies, coleslaw, sweet potato fries and a little ranch dressing. No bun for me!

9:30 pm - strawberry protein shake I split 4 ways. Froze one to see if it turns into ice cream.

Progress as of today: 75.8 lbs lost so far, only 52.2 lbs to go!

bearcountrygg on 02/19/2018:
Yes she is.....there is nothing like the love of a sweet pet.

happy-1 on 02/19/2018:
Yeah and nothing as weird as those moments where you realize you are dealing with a fully sentient life form that is sometimes smarter than you.


Maria7 on 02/19/2018:
What kind of dog is she? I bet she is very pretty.

happy-1 on 02/19/2018:
She's white and yellow swirled like a blended twinkie. Lab and shepherd and a bunch of others. 50lbs of love.


horn_of_plenty on 02/19/2018:
Dogs are so cute but they do need lots of care ! How often do you bring a dog to the vet ? When I'm older I might get one - I don't have time now

happy-1 on 02/19/2018:
I just did booster shots annually for the first 16 years. I should have also been doing dental cleanings. Now that she is ancient (but doesn't seem older than 6 or 7), I had one for the first time she got an inner ear thing and I thought she had a stroke, so I took her to emergency. Now I know to give her some dramamine and let her sleep it off. I had another when she sliced open her paw and had to get stitches and a toenail removed this summer. This may be because I cook for her like a human. Right now there are 5lbs of chicken thighs bubbling away with the ham bone. They will be joined with a thing of pumpkin and quick oats, and whatever carrots and celery I have hanging around. 2 or so weeks of dog food and lots of bonemeal buiscuts. Not organic but better than the latest pet food recall because they made it with euthanized animals... guess what concentrates when you cook down euthanized animals for pet food and what happens to the pets?


Donkey on 02/19/2018:
Sounds like a great day! I'll have to think about coconut oil in oatmeal. I confess that this would never occur to me, but I love them both -- and I think the coconut oil would hold me longer and add a wonderful flavor.

happy-1 on 02/19/2018:
With the ginger, raisins, walnuts, canilla protein powder, and cinnamon i am considering skipping my dinner burger and having some more. Just a big gooey cookie. I swear it is better than butter.


bearcountrygg on 02/20/2018:
That sound delicious....sorry about your Dad......Us oldies are a pain in the you know what!!

happy-1 on 02/20/2018:
We never got along and it is both better and worse now. He tried his best it's just we are constantly at odds.


horn_of_plenty on 02/20/2018:
sounds like she's pretty much remained vet-free...your dog.


horn_of_plenty on 02/20/2018:
lol the arguments don't sound like big issues thankfully between you and your parents...

happy-1 on 02/20/2018:
They are trivial but loud and nasty, with lots of mean things said.


bearcountrygg on 02/20/2018:
I can say one thing about old age....we definitely do start losing our short term memory....D and I are both doing that now. We also can get confused if an old routine changes to something different. For ever...our cars had keys....now our car has a push button start...and I can not tell you how many times I have gotten out of it and forgot to turn it off....luckily it does honk the horn at me...and it does refuse to lock from the outside.....so there are reminders...but your Dad is feeling somewhat confused at times and it is frustrating for all of you. I'm there myself, and I cared for parents like that too.....and it stinks...for everyone.

happy-1 on 02/20/2018:
Yeah. The problem is they were always nasty and vicious with their words and never handled stress well. So the slightest disruption opens chasms of anger. A moved bottle of instant coffee triggers rages that go in cycles for a month.



happy-1 - Sunday Feb 18, 2018
(Paleo + beans + oatmeal + bootcamp + fitbit)
Weight: 232.2

Working on my habit tracker today :-) I will achieve real change through the power of habit.

---

Geez... If I do all the habits I want to build... there's over 50 of them.

---

Got in a solid 30 min on the patio. 30 min a day to get a garden going.

---

Looking forward to the movies tomorrow with one of the ladies from the church I checked out today. 

---

Up: 8:30am, hard time getting to sleep last night.

S: 8:30 B: Power oatmeal, coffee+half and half

B: 12:30 PM S: Broccoli, crustless quiche

L: leftover burrito bowl, 2tbsp avocado S: leftover edamame pasta, veg, and pasta

D: deli ham and turkey, uncured. Homemade coleslaw.

S: trail mix

S: string cheese and flax crackers

---

Ate all on-plan today, if at odd hours.

Progress as of today: 75.8 lbs lost so far, only 52.2 lbs to go!

bearcountrygg on 02/19/2018:
I hear you........I also feel the need to make changes in new ways.......maybe 1 new habit a time....I'm with you........I'm also committing to make changes in the right direction.....

happy-1 on 02/20/2018:
Hugs. Change is hard, but the feeling you get from having made a change is awesome. Let's embrace the suck tomorrow.



happy-1 - Saturday Feb 17, 2018
(Paleo + beans + oatmeal + bootcamp + fitbit)
Weight: 232.2

Up late in a hormonal pity party. Slept in till 10. Missed getting up to help with food bank yard sale, but also didn't promise to show. Still feeling like I have a UTI and probably need new inhaler prescription so a doctor visit is in my future.

1:45 and regrouping. I think my target for the day is to make up the ham that is loitering in the fridge, fixing the kitchen screen door and a patio cleaning. It literally took all day yesterday and two trips to Home Depot to fix two faucets.

Since it was nice and I don't want to forget it, Mom bought me a an auto-refill water bowl for my dog, and a bunch of chicken wings for a belated Valentine's day.

----

3:45.... have achieved initial cleanup and deodorizing of patio. Discovered drill isn't charged though... so I will have to finish tomorrow. Next step tomorrow is to hang the door grill and seal up the screen, see what I can find in the way of flower pots to start transitioning the patio from abandoned to hanitable. I figure I will start with nasturtiums in recycled food containers. Those things grow anywhere

Ham is on... 3 hours to heat up!!!!

----

10am - oatmeal, coffee, extra cal from maple syrup and mocha coffee mix

2pm - turkey in tomato sauce and veggies, mozzarella

4pm - 2 oreos. Dad stole bag. I have to watch him more carefully.

7pm - sweet potato fries. Some more veg and turkey in tomato sauce. Not as good as I thought it would be... next time I will freeze

Progress as of today: 75.8 lbs lost so far, only 52.2 lbs to go!

bearcountrygg on 02/17/2018:
Nice of your Mom!

happy-1 on 02/17/2018:
Yeah, glad I made the ham up for them tonight. They are really enjoying it. I made them homemade coleslaw, sweet potato froes and spinach to go with it and peach jello with pineapples for dessert. I'm back on the horse and skipping all of it. But they are happy!



happy-1 - Friday Feb 16, 2018
(Paleo + beans + oatmeal + bootcamp + fitbit)
Weight: 232.2

Caught up on 3 bad nights of sleep. Might have been sleep deprivation, not pms. Lots of plumbing work to do today.

---

Talked to my ex and shared how I was feeling about getting ignored for Valentine's day... It really didn't hit till today because I've been checking the mailbox all week for the card he said he sent and it wasn't there so I don't think it was ever there at all. I knew he was likely to not do anything for it and I knew that would make me sad so when we were planning to see each other I asked him to send me a card for Valentine's day and gave him my address and he said he would... and he's that kind of organized and he works in a drug store... he was literally surrounded by them for two weeks prior. When he called tonight I had a really hard time getting through to him why I was upset... I said no woman likes getting ignored for Valentine's day, that not sending the card made me feel like all I am is a **** budy... and that's not sexy. He took exception to the term "**** buddy", and said he was insulted. I said if it hurts you to hear it, then how do you think it feels to get that as the message... because that's what you are if you just spent a weekend with your guy and then just get a text on Valentine's day. He said, well I just didn't think we were there yet... i said I know we are just getting started that's why all I asked for is a card. I said if we aren't in a place where you feel any effort into sending a card on Valentine's day is warranted, then I never should have gone down there and I made a terrible mistake. I thought you really did miss me and were really into me. I feel dumb. Horribly, horribly dumb. And not sexy. Not one little bit. Then he said this really isn't a good time to talk and we hung up.

I really am dying to block his number. Just never ever hear from him again. But being desperate not to feel pain is just as bad as hanging onto someone and pretending everything is fine. Or jumping right back onto online dating when some dude is still sending you texts because he thinks he's planning to come see you and all you want to see is Jaws come eat him in one bite. Settled for deleting all his calls, texts, and voicemail, and phone contact. This way I can't impulsively text anything... only reply if he texts me. He's got his kids this weekend and I don't want to intrude.

I hate, hate, hate that I care this much about Valentine's Day. It's a stupid manufactured holiday. It really means nothing in the grand scheme of things. But I'm 40 and still working on getting even a bunch of flowers from a guy... let alone a Valentine's Day card. I just don't know what the magic combo is that unlocks that kind of attention.

I really miss UDG. He brought me a tactical tailor trauma medical pouch and dark chocolate once. Talk about someone who really gets you. Wish we were both healthier so a physical relationship was possible.

----

Up: 9:40

S: Oatmeal ... after that no idea what I hate today. It was. a lot, most of it not healthy. My feelings, coated in lard, salt and sugar.

Progress as of today: 75.8 lbs lost so far, only 52.2 lbs to go!

bearcountrygg on 02/17/2018:
Relationships are interesting...they are basically about mutual respect. I guess my main question is that, was there physical abuse with your ex..EVER...........if so LOSE HIM!....Don't look back...physical abuse doesn't get better..it gets worse or deadly and that isn't worth it at all. Respect isn't commanded...it's earned and since relationships with anyone are a give and take situation, we have to give respect and earn their trust before we may see their respect and trust for us.....relationships develop when there is a mutual need and desire. Since there has been a breakup with the ex...he may be especially leery now...and take longer to reconnect. On another note...my Schwans delivery guy wished me a Happy Valentines day...and so did D....I thanked both of them....but guess which one I truly appreciated. If the Ex has never been abusive and if you are truly interested in reconnecting with him....be nice to him and not with material things, and you should soon find out if he is really interested in a closer relationship....sorry...lots of Mom advice here...just tell me to shut up if you want....it's OK

happy-1 on 02/17/2018:
No physical abuse. A year ago we did the attept at being more than friends. He gave me the whole "I'm not ready for a relationship" line about two months in so I stopped heading down there. Then he asked me to come down, but I didn't want to sleep over after the no relationship crap... so I let him know what days I was down there to snorkel and could find me on the beach. The first one he had a family brunch, and the beach was closed for hazmat cleanup. I felt really sick after being down there and was desperate to go home so I texted him to enjoy his brunch and I was headed home, then headed to meet a friend in Fullerton on the way back. I hadn't thought meeting up was a priority because he's just another dude in a lifetime of dudes that don't want me in their lives as an actual girlfriend. I'm not that hot and really weird... so nobody wants to bring me around friends or family and that's when I bail. Apparently he had decided he wanted a relationship and was angry that I didn't meet up with him. Several months of mean texts from him followed. It was like he was in a spin and just wanted to unleash on me. I just deleted them as they came in. Around November he started sounding more normal so we started talking again and I canceled a couple of times... would just get inexplicably anxious and not be ready to drive down. Mostly I'd think about the mean texts and then something else would seem huge and impossible. So this time I took it head on and said in order for me to feel good and less stressed and be able to head down, I need two things. I need a promise that you will not send any more mean texts... there's something about getting a mean note out of nowhere that just makes my heart pound and all I want to do is crawl into a corner for the rest of the day. I also need you to acknowledge me afterward for Valentine's day and send a card. I'm going to feel super vulnerable if we spend the weekend together, I have a super hard time with that day because I have never been the recipient of anything for that holiday in my lifetime and since we will have just spent the weekend together... so any absence of thought or effort from you is really going to be a gut punch, because I really need the guy who thinks I am Valentine's worthy. I'm going to be sweating bullets till it is over. So please be kind and send a card so I don't feel ignored or disrespected. I will send you one too.


bearcountrygg on 02/17/2018:
Me Again...LOL...UDG......sounds like he is thoughtful as you say he listened to your interests...you say you miss him...sounds like your heart is with him....but apparently there are problems too. One really good thing that is coming out of these 2 relationships is that you are leaning what you like in a guy...and what you don't like. Maybe there is someone out there with all of their good qualities.....

happy-1 on 02/17/2018:
Right? Feels bad to jump on OkCupid again when things are unresolved, so I'll give it till Tuesday. In the meantime I'll just work on stuff and try to keep busy.

As far as material things go, all I asked for was a card. It wasn't the card, it was that it was effort and a demonstration that he was listening and heard me and didn't want me to feel bad on Valentine's Day.

I don't know how to feel better if I tell a guy that something is important to me, why it is important to me and that it is really necessary.

Everyone has their something they really need. For you it might be that D is home every night. For me, it is that if I tell someone something is important to me, they make it happen. I also need to be acknowledged on holidays because I get so down on them I can hardly stand up when I'm not.

happy-1 on 02/17/2018:
Right? Feels bad to jump on OkCupid again when things are unresolved, so I'll give it till Tuesday. In the meantime I'll just work on stuff and try to keep busy.

As far as material things go, all I asked for was a card. It wasn't the card, it was that it was effort and a demonstration that he was listening and heard me and didn't want me to feel bad on Valentine's Day.

I don't know how to feel better if I tell a guy that something is important to me, why it is important to me and that it is really necessary.

Everyone has their something they really need. For you it might be that D is home every night. For me, it is that if I tell someone something is important to me, they make it happen. I also need to be acknowledged on holidays because I get so down on them I can hardly stand up when I'm not.


Donkey on 02/17/2018:
(((hugs))) I know what it's like to eat one's emotions, and it's not a happy place to be. Gotta have hope that brighter days are ahead. I'm not sure the Ex is part of that. He's an Ex for a very good reason, it seems.

happy-1 on 02/17/2018:
Yeah, figured it was worth a second try, especially since what I was churning up on OKC was soo disappointing... but just had better wrapping and a lot of history.


bearcountrygg on 02/17/2018:
The ex sounds like he isn't into commitment. I really believe that the right guy will come along. HUGS!

happy-1 on 02/17/2018:
Thank you! Hugs!



happy-1 - Thursday Feb 15, 2018
(Paleo + beans + oatmeal + bootcamp + fitbit)
Weight: 232.2

Super PMS, but overall doing better off the Adderall. Having some "pms irritability" but not the two weeks of crankypants behavior.

Friction with my mom last night because she wrote a nasty note across my to do list that I forgot in the bathroom, and then didn't like that I said that I felt it was mean and hurtful.

Friction with my dad because I woke up when I heard a crash in his room, checked on him but then didn't want to stay up talking to him because I was desperately tired... But he wouldn't let me go back to bed so it turned into a fight.

More friction with my dad today because I gave him and my mom valentine's day cards, and he never does anything for anyone on any holiday so he interrupted me hile I was working to explain how he doesn't follow certain societal norms around gift giving occasions and I didn't want to hear it. It's basically "I didn't give you anything for holiday ____ and this is why you shouldn't see it as mistreatment or be mad at me. Now I'm going to ask you to do me a favor _____." Normally I ignore it, but today my anger showed.

Argh.

But overall, not as bad as last month. Trying to calm the raging beast inside.

---

It occurs to me that part of my anger is that my ex didn't do anything for me for Valentine's Day, just sent a text. Some women know how to get guys to do stuff for them, but I don't. Or not him at least. I do not feel that a "Happy Valentine's Day" text is sufficient for a woman you just spent the weekend with and have been after for a year for another shot.

I did know I would feel this way ahead of time and set it up twice that he should send me a card and my address. But it didn't happen. I did feel that a $1.50 was in his budget. 

I really, really, really just want to block him on my phone. Move on. Start over. But it feels a little "This toy is broken. I need a new one." and people aren't disposable.

---

Let my BetterHelp account go on hold. I've got too much stress on my cashflow right now and it is something that isn't strictly necessary. Plus I am not sure if it really helps anymore. Just one more thing I need to do every day that is more than I can get done. Could really use it today though. Like if I go on OkCupid again after not getting a Valentine's card, is that cheating? I don't really feel like sitting around for him to figure out his ****up and make it right.

---

Quote of the day is from a personal trainer on Meetup who said when asked why the workouts are free "The best contribution is good energy and friends :)"

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B: Coffee, half and half, oatmeal

S: Skipped

L: Skipped

S: Put a pizza from Trader Joe's on. Eating my feelings.

S: 4 oreos and some milk. Tasted weird so i trashed it

S:

Progress as of today: 75.8 lbs lost so far, only 52.2 lbs to go!

bearcountrygg on 02/15/2018:
Hope things calm down for you...

happy-1 on 02/15/2018:
Thanks. Hugs.

happy-1 on 02/15/2018:
But I create my own drama.

happy-1 on 02/15/2018:
But I create my own drama.


innerpeace on 02/16/2018:
I think you have help with that drama, it is not just of your own making! I too hope things get better for you. I know living with your parents must be hard and I hope they appreciate everything you do.

happy-1 on 02/16/2018:
Aw, thank you. I figure I create my own drama because I put myself in a position to live with my parents, and I made a choice to go see my ex in SD.



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