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happy-1 - Friday Aug 24, 2018
(Change all through C, track time, pain, and food)
Weight: 221.4

Pain-free day 2, except for exhaustion because I couldn’t get to sleep last night at all and then slept a couple of hours this morning. Not even any right-side numbness. Maybe making the appointment with the neck specialist scared my neck into releasing? It works when I call tech support... whatever is broken automatically fixes itself.

It occurred to me that I need people to “catch energy from” daily... that when I am around active people I am more active and productive so maybe I should try to do 8am class pass classes to jumpstart my cognitive energy. I forgot that part about inattentive adhd... that “activation” is the hard part. Starting your brain to even start the timer.

Progress as of today: 95.6 lbs lost so far, only 15.4 lbs to go!

BearCountryGG on 08/24/2018:
Funny how it always seems to improve when the appointment is made......happens here too.

happy-1 on 08/26/2018:
If only car repairs worked that way too.

Horn_of_plenty on 08/25/2018:
Yes, i agree with you and BCGG, it's exactly when you make the appt that the symptoms go away...but, that's a good thing overall...keep them away! :)

I also struggle sometimes with my attention. Today i've kept most of my chores and activities to a minimum on purpose, to allow myself lots of wiggle time and low stress heading into a wedding tonight.

Donkey on 08/25/2018:
I completely agree about "catching energy" from other people. It can also work the other way, in a bad way, regarding people who need/feed drama in their lives.

Donkey on 08/25/2018:
How is your dog doing? Anything new with Puppet Dude?

BearCountryGG on 08/25/2018:
True...being around active people can pep you up for sure...I know the more I do...the more I want to do...and the more I sit around...the lazier I get.

jasmine on 08/25/2018:
Maybe the dog needs a nice long walk...getting out is good.

happy-1 - Thursday Aug 23, 2018
(Change all through C, track time, pain, and food)
Weight: 221.4

Pain free day. Took advantage of it and took my dog to the park until she towed me back to the car. What would I do without my dog? I love shedding my skin for a little while and vicariously enjoying the sun and grass and breeze... Just being and being out and being together. Now she is curled up next to me and we are listening to my parents enjoying the lasagna I made for dinner. Well technically they are arguing about something. But that’s just them. Silence is scarier.

Discovered an app called Goals wizard to help you organize your habits and stuff according to your goals. I put all the habits in there I need to build and there’s more there than I can physically do in one day. I do something and then I need to sit down. I literally do not have the physical endurance to do all the chores and tasks I need to do. Maybe this is how I will get stronger? Ugh. So tired.

Progress as of today: 95.6 lbs lost so far, only 15.4 lbs to go!

Donkey on 08/24/2018:
After several days of pain and chaos, how nice to have a quiet, painless day. I'm very happy for you. What a relief!

happy-1 on 08/24/2018:
Right? Couldn’t go on forever. Had to be a break sometime. Thanks for the TLC when I was down.

BearCountryGG on 08/24/2018:
Pain free is always nice.

Horn_of_plenty on 08/24/2018:
It sounds like you and your parents are getting along wayyyy better as of late :) that's a wonderful thing! It's also wonderful that you are pain free today!

i get tired too doing household chores, they aren't fun!

happy-1 - Wednesday Aug 22, 2018
(Change all through C, track time, pain, and food)
Weight: 221.4

8 - up. sore neck. couldn’t find meds. tried laying in a diff position to make neck better. was up late because 1) I saw that my freshly scrubbed tub was dyed grey with hair shampoo... everything felt futile, 2) tried calling ex in sd and we were talking about how overwhelmed I was and 3) my dad heard the upset tone in my voice and came out and got involved... and I couldn’t get through the conversation with him because he is the type of person who has to find fault with someone if something is wrong... and 4) I ate a pizza and 2 big cookies yesterday and got mad at myself, and 5) I went to sleep in my bed but my dog peed my bed 3x... so I couldn’t get to sleep. 4) I’m worried about her but I can’t go to the vet alone or with my parents because I will decide emotionally and end up spending every last penny I have on an 18yo dog... So I placed an order for a dog urinalysis kit and it hasn’t come yet so I feel like a jerk... and 6) I talked to my aunt the other day and she was making suggestions like “have a friend do x... or y...” and I had to say you don’t understand... I don’t have friends like that anymore. So she said “well then you have to make some changes “ and I said yeah... I’m going to the OT and she’s having me do a sleep study and a time management study... so from that I should know which ones... but the more I think about it... all I have been doing my entire life is trying to make changes and I’m exhausted. I am dizzy from making changes and broke from trying programs and therapy and nothing helps me make whatever magic change it is that helps me connect to people and work on a team effectively. I’m so tired and tired of being tired.

But my friend from church is singing Sunday at 11. I can show up to that. And I can go to the beach on Saturday with puppet dude. And I can show up for yoga tomorrow. And I can go to bed on time tonight. And I can pull off some basic errands today before then. Starting now. I can change everything one step at a time.

11 - Gave up. had my mom help me look. turns out they were in my car.

12:30 - Circus went to doctor. I reset. managed to call PT for appointment. Have had a mental block about it.

4:00 - made PT call for neck I have been putting off. called a volunteermatch ad to volunteer to help seniors make herb gardens... maybe I will meet other people also caring for their parents. putny OT homework together... the start of it at least.

Progress as of today: 95.6 lbs lost so far, only 15.4 lbs to go!

Horn_of_plenty on 08/23/2018:
i am sorry you feel this way. is it very important that you have to continue with all the PT's and OT's? if it is too much, perhaps just concentrate on what makes you happy? and on work or other things?? too many appointments sometimes gives me a massive headache and it's hard to keep up with mentally and physically....man should i get to the gym!

BearCountryGG on 08/23/2018:
There is a lot to be said for simplifying.

happy-1 - Tuesday Aug 21, 2018
(Change all through C, track time, pain, and food)
Weight: 221.4

Turns out the very minor scratch on my dad’s leg is infected. Mom bundled him off to the doc. He’s on antibiotics and it is a wait and see kind of deal. My mind goes to the worst. I directed my anxiety last night to the spare bedroom and pulled a bunch of boxes out. I also downloaded the ebay app to start listing stuff for sale. There’s too much stuff and my dad thinks there is a dollar value on everything and won’t toss. Well, let’s find out. If it goes bad I will need all the space I can get.

Trying to find a habit tracker with a web app not just a mobile app that doesn’t show habits I do not have to do today and hides them once they are checked off. Habitshare is good but once you get to a lot of habits it is too many. And I am trying to do routines so it is a lot of micro habits.

Went to bed late last night. Got anxious and then distracted about taking meds on time. I think I fell asleep about 2 am.

At least the instantpot auto turned off the low setting on it’s own and I woke up to perfect refried beans this morning. They were too watery and I left them on low with a collander on top. I made my dad mexican eggs for breakfast.

Puppet dude is diabetic. Accidentally hit a nerve when I was telling him about the OT program and their track record for getting people off diabetes meds. Now that I know I see all the side issues he’s having... Confusion, overwhelm, cravings, exhaustion... I feel for him.

8:30am up (late) - oatmeal eith cherries and pepitas. Finished repacking my bag for dog sitting and did laundry. Dog is peeing everywhere. Where is my amazon order for her? Can’t really clean carpets till it comes. At least she mostly pees her dog beds and those can be washed.

11:40 AM - Heading to Starbucks with all the work I haven’t done the past few days because I have been in too much pain. I finally feel better. Yoga tonight will probably put me back there. ugh. At least I’ve been taking my stack again consistently the past week. That should help.

Progress as of today: 95.6 lbs lost so far, only 15.4 lbs to go!

BearCountryGG on 08/21/2018:
Lots going on for you.....breathe....so much of it is beyond your control....

happy-1 on 08/22/2018:
Trying. Yoga helped. But thee are many things within my control I am not doing. How do I change that?

legcramps on 08/21/2018:
Bit by bit... i'm sorry you are feeling stressed right now. Hopefully yoga will help and not hinder!

happy-1 on 08/22/2018:
hugs. yoga did help. a lot. passing on flow yoga tomorrow and looking for a restorative class.

Donkey on 08/22/2018:
Hang in there! The Ebay endeavor sounds hopeful & interesting! How you feeling after yoga?

horn_of_plenty on 08/22/2018:
Best wishes to your dad for recovery...i hope ASAP...

I am glad you are selling everything and just not throwing everything out!

happy-1 - Monday Aug 20, 2018
(Change all through C, track time, pain, and food)
Weight: 221.4

Still sore from last week’s yoga classes.. 5 days now! but in massively better shape than Saturday. Started wearing my fitbit again and it says I slept 11 hours. Egad. I knew I was tired, but THAT tired? Oi.

Conquered dishes and the bathtub yesterday. We have a fiberglass tub and it is terrible. It seems to absorb dirt into the surface and no cleanser or scrubbing is enough to get it up. I used a melamine sponge on the sides, but the textured bottom is still grimy.

I am tempted to stop buying food for the house and cooking dinners for a few weeks. My parents have stopped doing for themselves. See if they start going to the market again.


8AM - up, rx bar, meds water

Puttered around cleaning. More dishes. Bathroom scrub down, laundry. Made two meal prep breakfasts.

- Egg, cheese, olive oil, turkey sausage.

Spent 20 min decluttering shelves in the living room. Found stuff of mine for goodwill.

A find!!!!! Incense, a copper bowl, a crystal rock and some incense stuff for my mom’s meditation table when I finish the patio!

Rescheduled OT appointment because I haven’t done my homework.

12:30PM - A break. Need to rest my shoulders. Ironically my neck doesn’t hurt.

1:15 got up, put away laundry, did hair, put on beans and rice to pre-cook for dinner.

1:45pm Tylenol and meds. need to lay back down again. I feel like someone whacked me with a bat

At some point I moved my car, put the rice and beans back on to cook. Neck and back are better but I am tired.

3:40 - Netflix break. izombie

5pm - neck and back are better. stretched out and heard scary popping... but better. Then I realized that my mom took my dad to the doctor kind of late for them... I think it must be urgent care. A little worried. Got ahold of them by phone but no details.

Progress as of today: 95.6 lbs lost so far, only 15.4 lbs to go!

BearCountryGG on 08/20/2018:
Maybe you got an injury ......possibly pulled a muscle? Seems like soreness should be gone by now.

happy-1 on 08/20/2018:
Could be. I was sorting shelves and now my shoulder hurts

happy-1 on 08/20/2018:
Could be. I was sorting shelves and now my shoulder hurts

Maria7 on 08/20/2018:
Easey to overdo sometimes. Hope you feel better.

happy-1 on 08/20/2018:
Thank you!

Donkey on 08/21/2018:
Sounds like a productive day. What a find for your backyard patio project! A meditation corner?

Hope your dad is ok...

happy-1 on 08/21/2018:
Yeah... A little worried. This scrape on his knee... literally just a scrape... looks pretty scary.

Yeah... I’m going to put it in front of the corner I am planting up so if you look in one direction there is something nice to look at.

horn_of_plenty on 08/21/2018:
must have been very hardcore yoga to keep you sore so long...also, maybe you were dehydrated or something going into the class...either way i'm sure it'll pass soon!

good job putting laundry away...it took me an extra day till yesterday to put my own away...:) i'm glad my place is now organized again!

happy-1 on 08/21/2018:
oooh good catch!!! I probably was dehydrated. It has been so hot here

happy-1 - Sunday Aug 19, 2018
(Change all through C, track time, pain, and food)
Weight: 221.4

Home from dog sitting. Everything is fine... I checked in and asked proactively. She asked me to come back labor day... I said let me double-check. I am not sure about that... It was a much-needed break... and awesome to get away... but I came home to an unbelievable mess. And my whole body hurts and my head feels like someone took a baseball bat to it. And everything I have eaten doesn’t help. All I want to do is run away.

But... shouldn’t do that.

Started with the dishes. Next I’ll do the bathroom and clean the carpets. I can do this. I do not need to order a pizza or some chinese food to do it.

Progress as of today: 95.6 lbs lost so far, only 15.4 lbs to go!

BearCountryGG on 08/20/2018:
Sounds like a much needed break......Glad it worked out well for you.

happy-1 - Saturday Aug 18, 2018
(Change all through C, track time, pain, and food)
Weight: 221.4

Another successful dog sitting day in that their dog is happy and I went in the pool. Super sore from yoga. Can barely move... major second day soreness. I brought a few “fun” tasks to do today and I am crawling to get them done... a couple of care packages for “any female soldier “ and some camp swaps... mini emergency fishing kits. I am just trying to do one task for each at a time but it is slow going because everything hurts and I’m dying


I can’t believe how much an epsom salt bath helped. You know what else helps? pizza

Progress as of today: 95.6 lbs lost so far, only 15.4 lbs to go!

Donkey on 08/19/2018:
I have been wanting to do an epsom salt soak - either a bath or even a foot soak - for the longest time...

Pizza, on the other hand, is a different story... LOL

happy-1 on 08/20/2018:
Or... both at the same time!!!!

BearCountryGG on 08/19/2018:
Epsom salts are amazing...they add magnesium to your body with a 20 minute or more soak.

happy-1 on 08/20/2018:
Yeah... I never did them much and always forget about them

Horn_of_plenty on 08/19/2018:
i can see the pizza working bc it has salt....also potassium bananas and coconut water help :) ...i'm glad the bath helped...good reason to have a clean tub!

happy-1 - Saturday Aug 18, 2018
(Change all through C, track time, pain, and food)
Weight: 221.4

dog sitting successfully. left my dog at home. trying to sleep with the bulldog but he says he’s just not that kind of guy... what dio I think he is? a shepherd mix? you need a velcro breed for that, lady. Augh. I cannot sleep without my dog.

puppet dude is turning up the pressure. he’s quitting the justokcupid so he can just talk to me.

claustrophobia! buddy! there you are again. breathe. vodka. breathe.

am more or less on track, calories and eating... so far.

Progress as of today: 95.6 lbs lost so far, only 15.4 lbs to go!

Donkey on 08/18/2018:
Well at least puppet dude isn't a player! Enjoy the peace and quiet with dog sitting :)

happy-1 on 08/18/2018:
Having to do at least a little work to get that from someone is more reassuring. If it’s that easy he may not be screening the people he lets into his life in general. Feels like chaos, triggers claustrophobia.

BearCountryGG on 08/18/2018:
Have you two met in person yet? He sounds like he really likes you.

happy-1 on 08/18/2018:
We had coffee for an hour. It’s not based on actually knowing much about me. Feels like it’s more about who he wants someone to be to him and wish fulfillment.

Maria7 on 08/18/2018:
Sounds like he has gotten serious fast... As for the kind of dates my Hubby and I had, I worked a lot in those days, including at home and so he would bring over fresh steaks and cook them for supper for us. :-)

happy-1 - Thursday Aug 16, 2018
(Change all through C, track time, pain, and food)
Weight: 221.4

Fell into old bad habits yesterday and this morning. Procrastinated all day yesterday on a task I really need to do, then stayed up late watching Netflix because I felt bad about procrastinating. Then woke up late this morning with a sore throat and took a long time to get it together. I have to do the tasks on secure home wifi. Can't go to Starbucks... and I am just not productive at home.

I know I don't want to do the task because I don't want to look at how many mistakes I have made but I need to undo them to move forward... make sense?

12PM - Slaps self in face... Snap out of it!!

1:30pm - small progress... did a download. now I just have to analyze and I can do that at starbucks. tasks are smaller than expected and I make them too big in my mind.

Lots of second day soreness and tiredness after yoga tuesday. Headed back tonight. Pretty excited to go. I still can’t get over being able to move like a normal human. As sore as I am my neck is the one thing that doesn’t hurt... amazing. Really sore throat.

Super looking forward to two days of quiet and alone time, even though I won’t have my dog and will be thinking/worried about her the whole time. Plan for food and fitness is just to take their dog for coffee early and grab something while we are out. Not feeling ok really puts a damper on packing though. Breaking my no afternoon coffee rule and making myself a cold one... Forgot how good chocolate milk and instant via packets are in a shaker of ice... OMG.

Progress as of today: 95.6 lbs lost so far, only 15.4 lbs to go!

Donkey on 08/17/2018:
Hope you feel better soon! A couple of quiet days away might just be what you need.

horn_of_plenty on 08/17/2018:
Blogs are so fun....i wish i could make 25% of what i write here a blog, the rest is too private haha!

your throat may hurt if you were breathing maybe too deeply too much at yoga? i know in yoga they work on that deep breathing thing.

BearCountryGG on 08/17/2018:
Well...we all make mistakes...a lot of them...we all say things we wish we hadn't said...we all get down on ourselves...they make great learning opportunities...even if we have to learn the same thing over and over again...at some point..we will get it...and it will stick.....then we can move along to the next thing we want to correct......HA.....it never seems to end.

Maria7 on 08/17/2018:
Hoping you feel better and get some rest. :-)

happy-1 - Wednesday Aug 15, 2018
(Change all through C, track time, pain, and food)
Weight: 221.4

HOP is right. I should be doing some kind of outlet for writing. What... I do not know. But if a stand up comic wants my stories, they must be decent, LOL.

I like puppet dude... but I don't want to be his unpaid/uncredited manager or writer. He’s on a positive path with his life and health changes. He affirms my choices in a positive way. He openly says “I like you and I want to date you.” like a grown ass man. He seems like he would at least give me cards on my birthday, christmas and valentines day. He is a hard worker at work and at his passion and stays on track to meet his goals. He thinks volunteering together, going to shakespeare in the park, or just hanging out with my dog makes a great date. He seems like a reliable person to have on my ICE card. There is zero doubt in my mind he is not married (but I’d do a check anyway, lol). If I see things in him I don’t like they are more likely reflections of how I feel about myself and I should look at that. 

3:30AM. Woke up hungry - half a pb sandwich

8:16AM woke up late from being up too early. next time I just stay up. so groggy - fudge bar

9:16AM Up from falling back asleep again. Journaling here while I wake up.

- meal prep tray of eggs, cheese, turkey bacon, and sweet potato hash

Till 1:30 - Made my dad lunch, cleaned the kitchen and dishes, put things away in the living room. Made a tiny head start on the boxes of papers. I moved things out of the way and opened the bottom drawer of the filing cabinet, lol. that counts.

1:30PM Got a recruiter call from a real US recruiter! Submitted on it

Puttered around accomplishing nothing... Crampy. 

Progress as of today: 95.6 lbs lost so far, only 15.4 lbs to go!

BearCountryGG on 08/15/2018:
Thinking about your feelings and working your way through them is a good thing.

happy-1 on 08/16/2018:
And glad I have this space and people here to do it with!!! Big hugs. Thank you for reading and commenting.

Donkey on 08/16/2018:
If I may... just an observation, but I think you may be overthinking relationship aspects with puppet dude. That is to say, if you enjoy his company, and he's good to you, why not just enjoy that?

And if you don't want to be anyone's girlfriend, then just be friends as you learn more about each other, and see what develops.

Can't have too many friends... this guy sounds nice.

happy-1 on 08/16/2018:
No, lol. I don’t want to be anyone’s “girlfriend” but I’d like a life partner.

My experience with guys with creative sidelines is that “girlfriend“=“assistant/housekeeper/girl friday”

legcramps on 08/16/2018:
What Donkey said.

He does sound nice, and it doesn't sound like he is trying to manipulate you into giving your story ideas to him or anything, unless you feel that he is? I'm just saying, if my friends wanted to use a story or two that I told them, to help them in their career, I would let them have at it without the need to be credited for it. Obviously not on a regular basis, but if it's a good one - why not share it with the world?

happy-1 on 08/16/2018:
That's how it started... Just having fun and talking about stuff. If he hadn't said "We should write together, Netflix is always looking for content" or "You should be my manager and travel with me" I wouldn't be thinking about it. He isn't doing standup just for fun at open mic nights... it's his business.

I used to be a decent storyboard artist when I was young and full of dreams, so I know how to put things like he is talking about together. I know how much work goes into pitching/developing entertainment projects and how much support people take on from people in their lives. There's a lot of help behind the scenes getting to go and funding.

Him saying "oh we should work together" just sensitized me to the possibility of putting a lot of work into something and have a breakup and it goes off with him and I'd be empty-handed. Get downgraded to "Oh yeah, she came with me as my date to a few things and sometimes she answered the phone."

happy-1 on 08/16/2018:
And then part of it is just like there is an inner 13 year old who is still waiting for a guy to send her a valentines day card (on valentines day, not a month later because he’s just had it with me and doesn’t want to hear about it anymore), there is an inner 14 year old art student who was never picked for any collaborative projects because all the other students were in college (and didn’t want to partner with the underage kid with strict parents) who always wanted to be asked to be someone’s writing partner... so it was a little too close to something I forgot I wanted.

Maria7 on 08/16/2018:
You make me think back to my dating days w my wonderful Hubby! :-)

happy-1 on 08/16/2018:
Aaaaaaaw. I bet they were wonderful! What kinds of dates did you guys go on?

horn_of_plenty on 08/16/2018:
or you can journal like you do here :) for fun for yourself writing!

so if you like him, keep it like that, and don't offer or do these other things for him...tell him you have to concentrate on working for yourself now...cannot do his work, but willing to listen to it...??

happy-1 on 08/16/2018:
Or a blog. “digging out”... when you are so buried by everything you don’t know where to start. or recipes. I have so many grocery app ideas a blog would be a good way to build a brand.

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