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horn_of_plenty - Thursday Jul 19, 2018
(counting calories/walking/elliptical/weights)
Weight: 116.0

650 before lunch :) all healthy. 

Healthy lunch too: wrap 100, with sorta a lot of salmon leftovers from yesterday 350?, and my asian inspire cabbage side dish 600, tops.

1250

snack: almonds if needed...

dinner before gym: TBD...got tons of indian at home so probably a wrap with a side of a pepper since i have lots of peppers still in fridge...

after gym: possibly ice cream :)

then bed...

debating biking to gym :)

Progress as of today: -2 lbs lost so far, only 6 lbs to go!

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horn_of_plenty - Wednesday Jul 18, 2018
(counting calories/walking/elliptical/weights)
Weight: 116.0

Kombucha 100

Bar and coffee 200

Wrap 100 with 1/2 avocado 150, egg 100, salt and garlic. 350.

Lunch: I Indulged on healthy food, some from a restuarant and some from a food truck: Salad with feta 150 other veg 100 Very Oily chick peas and veg spread 350? Salmon small amount 200 800-850 for lunch but healthy and good nutrients

1500 after lunch - thinking today is an ice cream day and early to bed -

I am not planning extra exercise - but might walk a little small amount to use my coupon at bath and body works for a free travel size hand lotion! i love them at work. although a bike ride could be good today.

 

 

 

1600 before dinner

Veggies and saag 350, yogurt 150, and ice cream 250. 750 tad overboard

2350.

5day 2070

Progress as of today: -2 lbs lost so far, only 6 lbs to go!

legcramps on 07/18/2018:
How are those ice creams tasting? Have you gotten through a few of the flavors now?

Great job on the bike ride to the gym! Fantastic!

Very wise decision to take it easier on yourself and so looking forward to all your plans for your upcoming trips this winter!

horn_of_plenty on 07/18/2018:
I love the ice creams. Eating a whole pint is not always the best, but it's not the worst either...The brands i like are both Halo Top and Enlightened. I just realized i can ever by a plainer flavor (like plain chocolate) and add my own additions...but some of these are decked out already with flavor. they are fun. they occupy my mouth and taste buds. and they take a bit to eat...takes longer to eat a pint than a candy bar of same calories.

yes, bike ride was awesome...i think i may do a little bike ride today if i feel up to it!

yeah, can't party too much this summer...i'm trying to lay low...friends luckily tempted me to do more, but, i find myself having to think about / say no to some activities...i enjoy when i do better with my exercise and sometimes the extra socializing isn't worth it if it leaves me exhausted / unable to exercise.


bearcountrygg on 07/18/2018:
Do you have a bath and body works in your neighborhood?

horn_of_plenty on 07/18/2018:
After I get off the train from the city, I get off in a town with a lot of shopping right there before a 15-20 min bus ride home. So I stayed around since I had a coupon!

horn_of_plenty on 07/18/2018:
It's in the middle of my trip from work back home - right when I get off the train to go on the bus :)


happy-1 on 07/19/2018:
Lunch sounds delicious... Nothing like new smelly hand lotion!

horn_of_plenty on 07/19/2018:
It tasted good, very oily, but satisfying...i'll be eating it today, too! :)


Donkey on 07/19/2018:
I need to invest in some nice hand soaps for the house :-)

I didn't comment on Tueday's entry, but yes, do travel! You have amazing opportunities to do this relatively inexpensively and with someone who knows the areas. DO IT. While I've never been to France, my trip to the UK was amazing.

horn_of_plenty on 07/19/2018:
i buy cheap handsoaps from $1 store around $1...why pay those stupid prices at Bath and Body, DONKEY!!!!!!!

horn_of_plenty on 07/19/2018:
i used to buy their scrubs, now i get them on auto delivery from a diff brand on Amazon for half the price at least...

i also get the lotion that is FREE, without a purchase required. i just walk in, choose my scent, give them a coupon and leave.

horn_of_plenty on 07/19/2018:
travel size only.


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horn_of_plenty - Tuesday Jul 17, 2018
(counting calories/walking/elliptical/weights)
Weight: 116.0

20 MIN LATE TO WORK bc i got up late, needed to use the bathroom and just knew i had to do that no matter what, so i just left late. I  did work late last night, but it's better to come ON TIME to work. Still working on this..on this time thing. i have to wake up earlier is the issue again...I had changed my alarm clock time over the weekend, so i just need to set it better, louder, tad earlier.

kombucha 50, later coffee 50, wrap 100, avocado 150, egg 100, salt/garlic. 450.

snack: not sure, maybe almonds or maybe lemon bar again. 150

lunch: from home - salty - cabbage in the egg roll flavor style with tofu and matzah cracker. 400.snack: plum?

Bigger dinner veggies 350, wrap 100, chicken 200, leftover Indian potato 100 Gonna say 1750 after bigger healthy dinner AFTER gym tbd ice cream perhaps

 

after gym: thinking a bar? no more ice cream i don't think today...? chocolate 200.

2000 today. awesome.

4day: 2000! AWESOME AGAIN!

________________________________

I've decided to take up an offer in April to see a friend in France. I will stay with her for free and travel cheaply $600 round trip flight to Paris.

In Jan / Feb, I'll go to Miami to stay with different friend. Flight around $200 i think round trip to Fort Lauderdale.

I will be especially planning France.

Miami i will stay extra. and go to a gym there i'm thinking...and maybe stay as long as TWO WEEKS in the dead of NYC winter.

Things of my own both private and personal life i'm looking forward to - totally planned by me...for me...with my friends...and a FULL OUT GETAWAY from NYC both times.  Enlightening trips, enlivening, adventurous trips bc it seems i'll be traveling solo for a bit of time, even if i stay with friends, they may be working some of the time i stay with them. in both cases, it's a free stay, i will buy meals??? do i owe them more? I hope not? i don't have more cash to blow than around $1,000 which is what the two trips should cost total - that's an unreal deal for Miami for two weeks and France for around just under a week. so 3 weeks of travels for $1,000 is my Winter/Early spring plans.

I was invited by both, not my offer to start, they are sincere friends and wonderful women! i am so lucky for these opportunities for 2019...thankful so thankful. Since my job is stable now and everything looks ok...i figure now is the time to make a 1st trip to Europe (Paris) and to Miami (flying into fort lauderdale to save $$) (also first time)...it's a bit of living and traveling that will make me so happy. Like a 36th birthday present to myself, these trips.

my plan is this: save $1,000 in cash from now until then, to pay back my card / however i plan to pay for these flights. i'm going to save weekly / monthly so i'm not using savings to pay for any bit of these trips.

Progress as of today: -2 lbs lost so far, only 6 lbs to go!

graindart on 07/17/2018:
Sounds awesome. I love having future plans, something to look forward to.

We just celebrated our 19th wedding anniversary last month. I'm going to do some type of surprise trip for our 20th next year. No decisions made yet, but have been thinking a surprise trip to Hawaii.

horn_of_plenty on 07/17/2018:
and not only is it something to look forward to which i agree with you of course...but the planning and learning about another place is fun and educational. it makes us more well rounded. it's mind opening.


bearcountrygg on 07/17/2018:
Sounds exciting...….a friend went to France and loved it.

horn_of_plenty on 07/17/2018:
I hope to have a good time - maybe I'll learn a few words before then :)

horn_of_plenty on 07/17/2018:
And their money system ! I'll be partially traveling alone !


bearcountrygg on 07/17/2018:
I've spent plenty of time in Florida because my Grandparents moved there to retire...….if you get anywhere near I believe it is Venice Beach....look for sharks teeth on the beach...we have a big jar full....

horn_of_plenty on 07/17/2018:
Thank you for the tips - thank gosh these trips are still far away as I'm so not wanting to think about them just yet !


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horn_of_plenty - Monday Jul 16, 2018
(counting calories/walking/elliptical/weights)
Weight: 116.0

my moods are really up and down lately...i'm having really high highs and feeling weird...hormones are really whacky making me want things i don't normally want so much...it's really strange. now that i think about it, i don't think i took anxiety medicine for a couple days...could be why. or could just be my own hormones, emotions.

________________________________________

Home: hardly any kombucha - don't need it bc i was seriously using the bathroom to much all weekend, sorry TMI! 30

Small Breakfast: hunger died down so much...coffee 50, Atkins Lemon Bar (change of pace, getting slightly bored so mixing it up!) 150.

Snack: TBD..i do have a wrap 100, avocado 150, and egg 100. 350.

Lunch: from home, the "egg roll in a bowl - no shell - cabbage and tofu that didn't spoil thankfully...300 and probably matzah?  saved today's lunch for tomorrow. Matzah cracker 120, veggies 50, other veggies 100, chicken 300. 600 tops.

Snack: almonds if needed & choc...staying at work half hour or so late to finish something.

Dinner: aiming for not ice cream but healthy veggies, and a protein at home...i have a lot of leftover chicken, actually...not really in eating mood at work anymore, we'll see about dinner when i'm closer to home..dessert of ice cream/whipped cream/jello. 500

1900., little extra walk home, too.

3day: 

________________________________________

Plans for tonight: walk a little extra from bus, put laundry away, reading, bed early...just resting up tonight!  I'm learning how to balance life so i'm still alive come Saturday and Monday mornings...meanign, i feel good on the weekend as well as feel ok on Monday morning! I feel happy about this plan for the rest of the summer which is also known as NOT doing too much and taking more rest. I don't want to use any vacation days until really the wintertime, so i'm going to work on having more relaxation on weekends rather than less. I'm getting better at this and glad i was laying around yesterday. 

I also got a long bike ride in, 2mi each way, to the gym. It was a success. And all in all, I feel so much better this summer than possibly even last summer and definitely the summers before.

For me, it's about NOT pushing myself over my limits. It's about realizing the goal can be changed. It's about knowing that even my court officer academy goal doesn't have an AGE LIMIT...NONE! so, perhaps even my jogging goals can be less definite...and i can actually start loving life even more now...knowing that i'm ok now at my job security once again...meaning my job is going ok...and that time is once again on my side..and to enjoy my life, at 36yrs old soon come September, injury-free and lwith ower stress..less is more on my end. both with plans, exercise, and activity scheduling and planning wise. i can do this!!!!!!

With a slow day yesterday, i'm doing better than usual on this Monday. For the summer for the rest of it which is a lot, I think i need to plan to have down time as i did this weekend. Feeling much, much better than last weej,,,

 

Progress as of today: -2 lbs lost so far, only 6 lbs to go!

bearcountrygg on 07/16/2018:
Exactly...this isn't a dress rehearsal!!!!! Other peoples rules are for other people...we all have to figure out what works for us...and then do it. If we are miserable following anothers plan...than we will lead a miserable life...……..and that is no fun.

horn_of_plenty on 07/16/2018:
yeah lately i just want to live JUST according to my own wishes...that's not exactly good though either...lately i choose to really want to pick and choose who to spend my time with...starting to feel constraints but this weekend was good to have my own space. going to make an effort to keep it that way. when i'm around people too much and not alone enough, i start again to crave my own space, especially on the weekend! thank you for reminding me it's not a dress rehearsal. this is important advice that i need to remember daily. that life isn't over. and that all my choices now even if minimal which seem to not affect much...all have an effect. ... i am not done shaping my life is what i mean. and it does mean not partying like an animal even if the opportunity is offered, i don't have to take it.


bearcountrygg on 07/16/2018:
No is a complete sentence....and you can turn down offers politely....

Horn_of_plenty on 07/16/2018:
yes, today i did a wonderful NO! but it was sorta forceful to a dunkin donut munchkin! same guy that brought in the pizza friday! ugh!


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horn_of_plenty - Sunday Jul 15, 2018
(counting calories/walking/elliptical/weights)
Weight: 116.0

Up doing laundry and relaxing. i may take a nap again after laundry is done, lol. Gym later. Movie that i borrowed from library tonight with R. I want to also cook the a dish which can be called "inside of an egg roll." aka just the inside, not the outer wrapping. i have soy sauce and also bragg's aminos i just bought. i cannot wait to cook it up. all you need is salt and pepper, aminos (or soy sauce) and sesame oil. cannot wait to eat it!

9:30 Breakfast for was for flavor: whipped cream 200, chocolate yogurt (but not that good not sure if i'll buy again) 120, entenman's chocolate chip cereal bar (too good) 130, and a little kombucha 30. 500.

10:30 Snacking: leftover spinach saag 150, wrap 100, indian style sauteed green beans / curry 100. 350. lots of nutrients up in here!

lunch / snack before gym: another wrap 100, with leftover chicken 200?, a big marinated pepper leftover still great thrown inside 100, popcorn with black pepper 100. 500., plum earlier 50. 550.

...time to get ready for gym. have a small bit of caffeine :) and jello ugh.50.nap before gym.,another small plum 50, rice krispie treat 100.

i think i'm going to try biking to the gym!!!! it's 1.5-2mi away.

after gym: tbd small banana 100 and later tofu 200, my cabbage cooked asian style 100, whipped cream and jello 150. 550

2150.

2day: 2050 :)

movie tonight :).i was thinking bike ride but may just relax the rest of today so i can start this week Monday alive instead.. of 90% death bed style like last week! but plans can change and i may sneak a bike ride in! might need to skip the movie. tired day.

Progress as of today: -2 lbs lost so far, only 6 lbs to go!

Donkey on 07/15/2018:
The best part of an egg roll is the inside! And I've never had a chocolate yogurt that was worth buying again. I think the flavors are incompatible.

Horn_of_plenty on 07/15/2018:
agreed on all accounts - both egg roll and chocolate yogurts. i have no idea why they cannot make a GOOD chocolate yogurt. and it may just be incompatible is that reason as you suggested!


bearcountrygg on 07/15/2018:
Never had a good chocolate yogurt either...I have no clue what they do to them,...but it sure isn't chocolate...now a good chocolate mousse...LOL...that's something else. LOL

Horn_of_plenty on 07/15/2018:
yes chocolate yogurts are just not right...choc mousses, they make those quite well ;)


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horn_of_plenty - Saturday Jul 14, 2018
(counting calories/walking/elliptical/weights)
Weight: 116.0

Kombucha 100, later seltzer with stevia half of which spilled on my lap while driving hahaha...

Wrap 100 salami 100 extra Indian saag 200 Roasted mushrooms 100, cucumbers that I pickled 100 energy drink 0, a ton of baby sweet peppers that come in the bag 100

Thai food take out: white rice in some sauce 200, tastes of the insides of spring rolls 100, veggies in sauce 350, chicken 250 900

whipped cream and jello 150...and more whipped cream. lol. 

1950 - perfecto.

light walking at beach, an easy day.

cleaned hamster cage in morning :) so that's done for a couple weeks - seems it's ok to wait 2 weeks instead of 1 which i'm ok with! nothing smells. i leave the air on low so that nothing heats up too much!

did food shopping after dinner when hardly anyone was in the store. was great. stocked up on stuff, whipped cream was on sale so bought way more than i needed lol. and some sf jello. gave into some cravings.

also loaded up on other things like avocados that i was missing this week, a spaghetti squash, some wraps, and my favorite kombucha for a lower price, the price i love which is $2.50.  in the city, NYC, it costs $5! it's still expensive, but it's a habit i enjoy and a drink i like. i bought extra so i will not really be needing to buy it for at least 2 weeks or more.  it's hard to find for that price anywhere else, so, when i get a deal i'll take it.  and i'm glad i don't have to go back to the supermarket for awhile. oh, i also bought 9 rolls of paper towels that were on sale at $1 a big roll. now i don't have to worry about that either for a few months at least.

 

Progress as of today: -2 lbs lost so far, only 6 lbs to go!

bearcountrygg on 07/14/2018:
mmmmm salami

Horn_of_plenty on 07/14/2018:
it really satisfies...some protein, some fat...what's not to love!? haha even the salt is great!


happy-1 on 07/14/2018:
This reminds me of the costco runs I used to do in Vegas on my way to Utah.

Horn_of_plenty on 07/15/2018:
yes...isn't it great to get everything out of the way without the lines! and no parking problems either!


Donkey on 07/15/2018:
Saturday night shopping can be fun!

Horn_of_plenty on 07/15/2018:
it was soooo worth it! no lines, no parking issues!


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horn_of_plenty - Friday Jul 13, 2018
(counting calories/walking/elliptical/weights)
Weight: 116.0

Happy Friday - I"m having a GREAT end to this week.  After feeling just horrible from Monday thru Thursday, I started today with a bit of energy, a caffeine hangover like i still am at the gym, and a high from a great workout last night!! Cheers to feeling better and more like myself. !!!!

Home: kombucha 70

Breakfast: wrap 80, indian potato little bit and spread 100, salami 100, coffee 50. 

Snack: maybe Atkins bar instead of nuts - they were on sale last night and lower cal options that i hadn't tried and some i really like..lemon bar is new to me! Lemon Bar... 200, EXTRA COFFEE DECAF. AND ALMONDS

Lunch: another salami wrap from home 100wrap, salami 100, GRILLED PEPPERS 50?, pepper 50. And bites of pizza 150 coworker treated everyone. 450. plum 50

Snack: almonds 100

1250...plans may change after work in terms of food :) for less calorie dense things...and maybe some fun with my friend R before i bike ride!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL 

Dinner: veggies big portion some oil 300, 1 big pork fried dumpling 150-200??, white rice 100?

After bike ride: ice cream? (plan is to bike, not jog) 200 - ended up walking with ricky.

2050. - excellent

Progress as of today: -2 lbs lost so far, only 6 lbs to go!

bearcountrygg on 07/13/2018:
Glad you are having a better day!! Have fun!

Horn_of_plenty on 07/13/2018:
yes :) overall a much better day!


Donkey on 07/14/2018:
We need those good days to keep us movin' forward :-)

horn_of_plenty on 07/14/2018:
Yes!!!!


graindart on 07/14/2018:
Have tried several of the Atkins products over the years and have typically been disappointed in them the vast majority of the time. For me, the taste is usually very bland even compared to other similar low carb competitors products.

Good job on keeping the calorie count in check.

horn_of_plenty on 07/14/2018:
Wow for me the taste is huge ! At least we agree monster drinks are great !


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horn_of_plenty - Thursday Jul 12, 2018
(counting calories/walking/elliptical/weights)
Weight: 116.0

Home: some kombucha 30 right before i ran out the door...

Starbucks egg white spinach wrap that i bought bc i got to work early enough to stop next door at starbucks 300, coffee 50

snack: bar 200

Lunch: from home..squash and cabbage 150 and crackers, wrap 80 with balsamic veggies 100? and salami 100. 450. 

snack: almonds? 150

before gym: buying caffeine....and a wrap with salami 200

after gym: tbd ICE CREAM 400 Peaches and Cream Halo Top Flavor which i tried a few spoons of yesterday and it's delightfully sweet.

EXCELLENT 1800 today

6day: 2050... REALLY GOOD!

tomorrow i may need to come home and simply rest again after work...also a way to bring down my calories for the week. we shall see...Saturday is busy with beach so i'm not in a mood to "push it" anymore after tonight at gym. Cardio didn't happen this week, my legs have been feeling sore/tired.

______________________________________

I've needed LOTS of sleep lately. but tonight my plan is to eat something light and have caffeine before gym and just do what i have to do so that i don't skip it. Friday i can sleep early...i have the beach Saturday morning...but then super excited for Sunday when i plan to SLEEP IN and just do laundry / gym anytime and call it a day. 

my plan is to try to rest more, as i don't want to use vacation days all summer long...i want to save them to go to florida in the wintertime. so that means i need to try harder to get my gym goals done and also try to find time to also rest so i'm not feeling like how i felt this week all summer...feeling horrible this week.

and wanting to escape / read my book / be alone. i like alone time, didn't get as much as i'd like this weekend is what happened, i think.

______________________________________

Energy still not very high on my part on how i feel. i may need to lay off ice cream, lol. so bloated.

 

Progress as of today: -2 lbs lost so far, only 6 lbs to go!

innerpeace on 07/12/2018:
I saw your ice cream shipment...I didn't know they could ship ice cream like that. I may try it.

horn_of_plenty on 07/12/2018:
my shipping was free bc i ordered so much. they used dry ice so the ice cream was still good and very frozen. i'm now bloated tho from too much caffeine!


graindart on 07/12/2018:
I miss my caffeine drinks. The selection of zero calorie carbonated drinks with no caffeine is pretty limited around here. I'd love it if some of the energy drink companies would drop all of the extra "energy" additives and just produce the same flavored zero calorie offerings.

Funny you mentioned Florida during winter in your post today. I was just thinking the same thing while driving back from an appointment an hour ago. Haven't been to Florida before and the thought came to me about taking the family down there sometime this winter.

horn_of_plenty on 07/12/2018:
i chose florida bc i have a friend there...def going there and maybe for even 2 weeks. must get out of NYC this winter.

horn_of_plenty on 07/12/2018:
Last Winter the cold got to me so badly. i got so sick with bronchitis quickly. this year i plan to escape and not have to take public transportation for the entire winter by taking a brief vacation in warm weather. to cut costs, i'd stay with her. maybe also stay another week with another friend.


bearcountrygg on 07/12/2018:
What would the cost be for each when you get free shipping…..is it less or about the same as the store?

horn_of_plenty on 07/12/2018:
Same as the middle point price at the more of a bargain stores by me. And less than what the expensive stores charge. The price for enlightened brand was $5.99 and the Halo Brand i think was 6.99 or 5.99 depending...still pricey, but i got what i wanted. the halo top Peaches and cream was so good. the marshmallow peanut butter was interesting...not bad...killed my stomach for today lol. Enlightened gives me more gas than halo.

horn_of_plenty on 07/13/2018:
my order was around $100 but i think free shipping will be available for a lower order, maybe even $50.


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horn_of_plenty - Wednesday Jul 11, 2018
(counting calories/walking/elliptical/weights)
Weight: 116.0

late at night apricots 50

kombucha 50, coffee 50, wrap 80 with chicken sausage 150, small amount avocado 50, salt and galic: 380.

snack: almonds 120

healthy lunch from home: another of the same wrap as breakfast: 280-300, extra tasty veggies 150...450. grapefruit pieces 50.

1050.

Before gym: maybe dunkin donuts sandwich. 400.

After gym: maybe ice cream, YES. 400

1850-1900

I want the gym tonight. legs still hurt, but the gym will be mostly for my arms. getting a shipment of the ice cream flavors i ordered. planning to have them sorta frequently / when i want for the next few weeks.

 5day avg: 2095, pretty GOOD.

gym tomorrow bc got home late & prefer sleep bc feeling tired this week. so resting up more tonight.

_____________________________

note to self: i have tofu and eggs to eat now...no need to buy any more meat for awhile until i finish what i have at home ...!

Progress as of today: -2 lbs lost so far, only 6 lbs to go!

bearcountrygg on 07/11/2018:
Have you tried all of the ice cream flavors now?

horn_of_plenty on 07/11/2018:
no bc the stores do NOT carry them...but now i ordered most. so i can do like 10 more reviews soon...i like to write them & be creative - a small fun challenge...i'll review them on facebook when i get a chance haha.

there are two ice cream brands, each one has around 25 flavors. total of around 50 flavors, many repeated between the brands (like each has their own versions of black cherry (one brand includes chocolate pieces in there..) and each brand has a red velvet flavor, but different styles...so it works out. i like the enlightened brand right now more than halo top...halo usually has more bland flavors with less add-ins. enlightened wins right now for unique flavors - really wanna try the marshmallow flavor that comes with a peanut butter swirl. i have a feeling it'll be great.


Donkey on 07/11/2018:
Yummy!!! I remember a few years ago having huge problems with ice cream -- a little would end up being a lot, if you know what I mean. Funny, but this year, I've stayed away pretty much completely. I might consider an ice cream cake for my birthday coming up. Hmm...

Anyway, enjoy the wonderful, different flavors! That sounds like so much fun!

horn_of_plenty on 07/12/2018:
they are fun...i just wish i weren't feeling so tired lately. i'm so anxious that i realize i'm going to have to plan for a couple days off soon.

also, my jogging hasn't panned out like i thought it would so far this summer...and my coworker has just made a lot of plans with me, i will not cancel, so i feel extra busy for the rest of the summer! crazy. i think i'm feeling overwhelmed.

yeah, the flavors are nutz with the ice cream...i will be wanting, when i' more relaxed, to write ice cream reviews.


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horn_of_plenty - Tuesday Jul 10, 2018
(counting calories/walking/elliptical/weights)
Weight: 116.0

Fruit 50

Progress as of today: -2 lbs lost so far, only 6 lbs to go!

bearcountrygg on 07/11/2018:
Your exercise level is impressive!!!! In my life I have never actually exercised for more than an hour straight...and that was not such a mixture...it's been a lot of years for me....and I could never do that again....but you have quite a routine going there....GOOD JOB!!

horn_of_plenty on 07/11/2018:
aww thanks. sad i skipped yesterday but i had to - as when i get really run down, i have to stop that cycle because i've had quite bad experiences when i let the process of becoming run down go too far.


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