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inarut - Saturday Mar 04, 2017
(Calorie counting)
Weight: 297.0

I was dying to get under 300 and I did. I got to 297. And the strangest thing happened. Instead of being happy I got really sad. I know to the date the last time I weighed 297 and I remember feeling so horrified that was my weight when I reached 297. I can remember the shock and horror of stepping on the scale. That was my heaviest in my life. I put it to the back if my mind, didn't deal with it and ended up at 316- that was the point I started trying to turn it around.

Seeing 297 on the scale again...that same wave of negative emotion just came over me. That feeling of disappointment. I should be celebrating that I made it, because it represents a loss this time...but what's to celebrate? I've struggled to this point and I've got a mountain in front of me. I actually feel quite overwhelmed

So I Thought forget it because this is all too hard. And I went right back to my comfort zone of bad habits. I ate mountains of food until I had a stomach ache and I stayed at home all day self pitying and berating myself for being so weak. You know, at my time of low, there was my housemate, smiling. My housemate got cooking and took great pleasure in me eating all of her home cooked food. Big portions of unhealthy food. Fried breakfast, huge lunch and massive dinner plus dessert and home made cookies for snacks later. I spent the last couple of months saying "no thanks" and things have been so awkward. But when I accepted her food, the atmosphere changed and we became friends again and it was soooo much easier.

Then I thought about this place. And all the words of encouragement. That you all have just been propping me up when I'm on the verge of giving up. I know I'm not here daily and I read posts and don't reply but I am grateful for everything. I thought about what I want. About the joy I'll feel when I see numbers I can be proud if on the scale and the achievement that I did it. I thought about my health. I thought about the person I want to be. I thought about the fact that I never wanna see 300+ again. I got in my car and drove off, just to get my head together a bit. Pulled over, I don't even know where I'm heading.

I feel so discouraged but I know that I need to face forward not backwards and be strong. The mental battle seems to be harder than the diet/exercise.

I hope this discouragement passes and I start to feel better. I know I've got a long way to go, I hope I can get there

Progress as of today: 19 lbs lost so far, only -2 lbs to go!

Donkey on 03/04/2017:
(((hugs))) I can see why re-visiting that number would bring up an overwhelming wave of emotions. I would encourage you to keep looking forward in life and downward in numbers. Perhaps think of yourself as "just visiting" at 297 (or any number for that matter). Take pause, re-evaluate, self-check, and move on.

You can do this!!!


Donkey on 03/04/2017:
PS Interesting about the reaction with your housemate. I wonder what significance food, meal preparation, and feeding others has in her psyche/life.


Horn_Of_Plenty on 03/06/2017:
Do not worry and do not get discouraged.

YES, you are RIGHT. The mental battle is very difficult and will always be trying to make you turn to take the "easy way" out which is resorting to comfort & backtracking & eating to NUMB YOUR MIND and BODY to those negative thoughts.

I have BEEN THERE. I know exactly how you feel because I was once doing EXACTLY the same things you experienced now.

Lately, especially this YEAR - i have learned how to be extra prepared and how to substitute low cal foods for high cal ones. I buy all kinds of special things and spent the time really learning how to satisfy hunger and also eat to being full without gaining.

You CAN do this. It takes some failure to reach success.

Love yourself and put yourself first.

I will support you no matter how many times you fail. I have failed 2x in my life...gaining weight and losing TWICE (once late teens and college years and the other time when my job situation wasn't good around 25-27yrs old)...not once. We all learn from our mistakes.

For me, the second time was a much slower and less dramatic weight loss, taking way longer from the first time...but this time i got used to my weight and what i had to do to keep it down.

Do not let those negative thoughts seep into something you should be celebrating. Please get right back on that positive road girlfriend, you are headed towards success for sure. CONGRATS on getting out of the 300's...and you will get there again...just keep on...and you will see the losses adding up...and your weight will continue to decrease.

You have a full, successful journey in front of you.

If you have questions or need advice, please reach out..!


hollybelle on 03/08/2017:
Hi. I will be looking for another post from you. Congratulations on being in the two's! A few "bad" days don't mean the end of the road - there are ups and downs on any journey. You have hit on some very important factors about how you feel about weight, numbers on the scales, food, relationships that you can use to your advantage. Your housemate - what donkey said is interesting - what your eating the food she cooked means to her. I love to cook. I am a good cook and I love people to eat my food. It makes me feel close to them. It makes me feel accepted by them, even if only for my cooking. It makes me feel nurturing. It makes me feel like I love people like my grandmother loved people and she loved to show love by preparing food for them. Lots of emotional ties to food. Maybe you can talk to your housemate and explain you LOVE her food, and you LOVE her, but need to make take care of yourself by having smaller portions of her good food and you appreciate her understanding that. Your "rejection" of some of her food isn't "rejection" of her. She may even consider making healthier recipes (but don't hold your breath). Our goals can be sabotaged by those around us - spouses, friends, relatives, anyone, for many reasons. Sometimes the sabotage is intentional, sometimes subconscious. Jealously can be a factor intentional or not. Sometimes we even have to break away from those who sabotage us and don't really have our best interest at heart to reach our goals and take care of ourselves. Also I "heard" a part of you in your posts that wants approval from her ("we were friends again and it was so much easier"). I like to avoid conflict or feeling uncomfortable, but the not so simple truth is we usually HAVE to feel uncomfortable to move forward. Discomfort is actually a SIGN that we are making progress! Yay! I hope you will find your way through this. I know you can! Wow! You have discovered so much already!


mylilsista on 03/08/2017:
Congratulations! I remember when I got on the scales and saw the numbers (finally) go under 300 lbs. I was SO excited (yet terrified that I'd self-sabotage and fall back into old habits and stay there)! I had tried many times to lose weight but had always failed. My fear kept telling me this time would be no different.

At 300+ lbs, losing 3 or 5 lbs was NOT at all noticeable on me. One day while grocery shopping, I picked up a 5 lb bag of potatoes and carried it around the store, while I continued to shop. It felt heavy and uncomfortable to carry. Ten minutes later, my arm began aching and my shoulder felt the strain. What did I learn? I learned 5 lbs makes a major difference! Each time I lost 5 lbs and was tempted to dismiss or trivialize my progress, I thought of those potatoes. It made a difference!!

Once, when I lost a mere 3 lbs, I bought a 3 pound can of Crisco and put it in my kitchen. It was a visual reminder of how much fat I had shed. It kept me motivated!

Since you've lost almost 20 lbs, maybe you should stroll through the grocery store and grab 4 (5 lb bags of potatoes) and carry them around for a few minutes. When your arm begins to ache, think to yourself, "That is how much weight I am no longer carrying around ON me!"

You're doing great! I look forward to reading future entries of yours. Your loss is inspiring to me!

Here's a ((hug))!

Lisa



inarut - Tuesday Feb 21, 2017
(Diet Chef)
Weight: 300.0

Weight has fluctuated a but I'm back moving in the right direction. Time of the month came and my hormones had me eating everything in sight! Lol! Also broke up with my fiancé, had both parents in hospital, fell ill myself, lots of work stress and I just totally lost my routine.

Thankfully made it up with my fiancé, we are back together but wedding is on hold. Parents are getting better, Mum is home, Dad should get discharged this week, I'm feeling ok now it was just a virus, I've put in lots of extra hours at work and the pressure should start easing off soon. I'm job hunting and I've had a couple of interesting opportunities come up but I'm really not sure. more money but more hours and a longer commute. Is it really worth it? I'm really debating it. I hate where I work now but it might be too big a sacrifice moving jobs as my work life balance will be affected.

The thing that's kept me going is something someone said on here about knowing your limits. I'm not as strong as I used to be and sometimes life gets on top of me. I really feel like this weight loss journey would be so much easier if my life was less of a mess!

Good news is that my housemate has started being supportive. Not massively supportive and I'm still getting some pressure to eat junk but it's not such a daily battle.

I'm desperate to get under 300. I'm at 300 now so I'm willing that scale to show me 299! Hopefully soon As

Progress as of today: 16 lbs lost so far, only 1 lbs to go!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 02/21/2017:
I am sorry about the breakup with your fiance. And that your parents aren't doing well...and everything. I am sorry in general about the rough time you are having here.

Okay now reading more...glad you are back with fiance.! I hope you are able to find a job soon...sounds like you def have a LOT on your plate wow...sending you positive thoughts!

I think it was me talking about limits. I'm still working on this...but way better than i used to be...and it has me in general feeling a lot better day to day...when i don't do myself under trying to do too much for me...and getting overwhelmed...

Of course the weight loss would def be easier if your life wasn't as complicated right now, yes...i know from experience and can relate. I've had rough patches where my job situawion and life was completely out there...my weight was much higher and i was young so still figuring things out and learning a lot...in my 30's...i got my weight under control much better than my mid to late 20's..

Just don't cave to your housemate...make sure you have the healthy options around...and that they're in sight....so that you reach for them. i'm so glad you are so close to the 200's land! that is good...

stay focused....you are doing very well...i commend you on staying strong despite all the challenges that are being presented your way.


Donkey on 02/21/2017:
Donkey is cheering you on for a new group of numbers on the scale for your next weigh-in --- you can do it!!!

I hear you about the work-life balance. I've been writing about it for quite some time. I quit a job that had a nice salary and benefits for a job that made not that much and no benefits because of the shorter commute. (I eventually worked my way up to a better salary but still no benefits.)

Unless you like to commute -- I'm not sure I've met anyone who really likes it but there are people who don't mind it so much -- I would advise caution in pursuing a job with a longer commute. It gets really old, really fast. Just saying from my experience. Now if the job itself is something that you're really passionate about, then it might be worth the trade-off.


Horn_of_plenty on 02/22/2017:
I totally agree with the above comment - commutes suck especially driving ones where it's just excess sitting in a car...lol....i have coworkers that travel TWO HOURS ONE WAY....just to work...and then another TWO HOURS home...ugh! i could NOT do that!!


innerpeace on 02/22/2017:
Finding new jobs suck! I went to so many interviews and just know I didn't get the job because of my weight. For some reason my weight defined my work ethic, hey I like to eat and work my a$$ off isn't something an employer sees. Good luck with your job hunting. I'm glad you worked things out with your finace and your parents are getting better, hopefully that will relieve some of your stress. Have a great day.



inarut - Thursday Feb 02, 2017
(Diet Chef)
Weight: 303.0

I haven't been on here for a couple of weeks. Life has been really hectic. Lots of social events and I've had fun and forgot about calorie counting. To be fair, I just don't have a clue how to gauge the calories on food when it's not got packing (e.g. Restaurant food or when friends cook). I really enjoyed not being disciplined but I knew I had to get back on it. So I've tried to be good over the last few days.

I was dreading getting on the scale this morning. Was expecting a gain of 2-3lbs. But I was shocked to see a loss of 2lbs. Maybe I wasn't as naughty as I thought I'd been.

So carrying on... going to do my best.

Progress as of today: 13 lbs lost so far, only 4 lbs to go!

sarsbars on 02/02/2017:
i love when that happens


Horn_of_plenty on 02/02/2017:
yup...those noodles are NOT easily digestible. TMI for me also - i once woke up sick and threw them up....bc i had too much volume in general and they were just the cherry on top...this might be why i do not eat them ever, despite buying a couple packages here and there, they just sit in my fridge. But, i may try again soon (or i might throw them out and never buy again!? LOL).

there are some good shortcuts to gauging the food when it's not packaged...order mostly veggies (even cooked / stir friend / sauteed is fine!) and some light protein (shrimp, chicken, scallops, egg whites) etc....and you will be eating low cal.

always do your best & carry on as you say...nicely done!


Donkey on 02/05/2017:
Sometimes the irrationality of the scale just drives me nuts. But good for you! Maybe being social kept you busy and active? Keep drinking water, try to stay away from extra salt. You can do it!!!



inarut - Thursday Jan 19, 2017
(Diet Chef)
Weight: 305.0

I've had the house to myself this week and it's been bliss. Having space is wonderful. Work has been stressful but I've not let the stress get to me. I'm calm and finding it easier to stick to my plan.

I turned down a job offer this week, because I knew it would make me unhappy and that old habits would kick in. I felt so empowered actually saying "no thanks". I keep thinking about knowing my limits and not putting myself through undue stress. I felt so good making that decision and just being kinder to myself.

I was feeling really run down and unwell this morning. Was tempted to call in sick and stay in bed. But I had a quick weigh in and found I'd lost 2lbs and I was really happy with that. It motivated me to get moving and I had a really productive day at work and at home.

Went shopping and I discovered bare naked noodles and they are fantastic. Taste a bit chewy and not quite like noodles but at 8 calories per 100g they really are worth it. Highlight of my day lol!

Progress as of today: 11 lbs lost so far, only 6 lbs to go!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 01/19/2017:
I added another comment to your previous entry also...

It's SO MUCH EASIER to feel in control and stick with plans when we are calm...yes oh yes.

Limits are good...i am lately overstepping mine and it's not a good feeling...your decision needs to be good for you...nobody else's opinion should matter on it!

Yeah might as well go to work when not feeling well...i use my sick days just like vacation days - i try to use them for happy things.

I love those shiritaki noodles too...but haven't been eager to make them...also digesting them poses a lot of gas / bloating does it do that to you too? takes me extra long to get them thru my system.

inarut on 01/21/2017:
Funnily enough I had a terrible time with these noodles last night! It's probably too much information lol but I ended up with really bad stomach cramps, bloating and multiple trips to the toilet! So I think I might stay away from them now!

I like the idea of using sick days like vacation days and using them for happy things! i live quite close to where I work so when I am off sick I'm usually too paranoid to leave the house in case I get spotted! lol! Even if it's a genuine trip like going to the pharmacy or to the supermarket, I'm so on edge I tend not to go! Lol

I'm definitely getting the point about limits. I'm listening to myself more which is really helping me but I can't help shake the feeling that I'm weak and comparing myself to other people... I think i need to work on that


innerpeace on 01/19/2017:
Fantastic job to know your limits and impose them. I haven't heard of bare naked noodles and will try them if I ever see them. Great job sticking to your plan and the weight loss.

inarut on 01/21/2017:
Thanks although I must admit I'm feeling terrible about the fact that I have limits. I'm beating myself up quite a lot and feeling a bit down... I keep wondering why certain things are so easy for some people and here I am struggling and having to say no.

Noodles proved to be hard to digest so eat with caution lol!


puddles on 01/19/2017:
Congrats on your loss. Keep it up.

inarut on 01/21/2017:
Thanks trying my best


sarsbars on 01/20/2017:
Where did you find the bare naked noodles? I have the cereal never saw noodles!

inarut on 01/21/2017:
I got the noodles in the supermarket (Sainsbury's). They also had bare naked rice too


Donkey on 01/21/2017:
I will be looking up Bare Naked Noodles too :-)



inarut - Sunday Jan 15, 2017
(Diet Chef)
Weight: 307.0

It's late so I'll make it quick.

I started this thinking it was just about food and exercise but I've really found there's a strong emotional component to it too. Where my mind is at really affects my choices. I'm starting to feel like it's just as important to try and attain a healthy mind, as well as a healthy body.

The messages on here have made me feel so supported and I think I need to try and build supports into my life because it gets so exhausting doing this on my own. I'll have to think about it more.

It was a bad week but one more pound off.

A new week is beginning, chance for a fresh start.

Progress as of today: 9 lbs lost so far, only 8 lbs to go!

Horn_of_plenty on 01/16/2017:
Congrats on one pound off!

Not all weeks will be the best weeks, but the choice for us is to ride those waves too...keep riding the wave and do as well as you can...and make the efforts and things will change!

And you are right, there's a massive emotional component.

inarut on 01/19/2017:
Thanks, yeah I think the important thing is that I stay focused. In the past I've become discouraged easily or if I've had a bad day and eaten loads I've just given up at that point.


jayhawkjen on 01/17/2017:
Have you seen the workbook, "Eat, Drink and Be Mindful" by Susan Albers, Psy.D.? I believe it's on Amazon. It might be helpful! xo

inarut on 01/19/2017:
Thanks for the recommendation, I'll look into ordering it


Horn_Of_Plenty on 01/19/2017:
it's very easy to lose focus bc it can become a habit of always spiraling into negative thinking. I did it myself these two days and got VERY overwhelmed last night and into today...remember to try your BEST to stay focused.

REMEMBER - ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE IF YOU BELIEVE YOU CAN DO IT. YOUR MIND CONTROLS YOUR BODY.



inarut - Thursday Jan 12, 2017
(Diet Chef)
Weight: 308.0

I had a couple of high stress days and I completely fell off the wagon

By Wednesday dinner time I was at 10/10 on the stress scale. It was coming at me in all directions and the last thing I needed was a lousy diet chef microwave meal. I felt like I needed real food to help me think and get my head together. I've felt so tired and drained so far and I wanted food that I liked and an energy boost. I suppose I could have had a sensible dinner and counted the calories but once I got started I was like a monster in that kitchen. I devoured every food that I've been missing over the last few weeks.

Today started with intentions to start anew. But the problems I had were still there and depression kicked in. I didn't go to work and while I tried to stick to the plan, I didn't. I sat thinking about the issues and as I was mulling over things, I ate. Who knows how much or what I had today.

I thought, worried, stressed, felt down, ate and napped today. I just can't stick with it during times of emotional lows. All discipline goes out of the window.

I will try again tomorrow. Hoping for a better day.

Failure

Progress as of today: 8 lbs lost so far, only 9 lbs to go!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 01/13/2017:
It's not a failure...if you don't fail, you never know your limits or how to succeed.

sometimes reaching failure teaches us and we work never to be there again. that's what happened to me - i reached ROCK BOTTOM around 1.5yrs ago - and i vowed never to reach that point again.

for reference - my rock bottom was very bad - i got very sick (completely emotionally and stress related) and required by dr to take off work - i was out of work over a MONTH. I learned in that time and over the past 1.5 years, i have my LIMITS. Not to always say YES. Put myself first more often...etc.

you can do it..tomorrow's another new day.

inarut on 01/14/2017:
Thank you. You are so lovely and encouraging.

It's been a tough couple of days emotionally but I think I learned a lot. I really appreciate what you said about having your limits. I think at times I find myself overwhelmed and I think I need to make some changes in my life.

I'm back on track so far today and I will keep trying.

Thanks again


grannyannie on 01/13/2017:
We all get off track but just get back on. That's all any of us can do. Never give up. That's all that matters.

inarut on 01/14/2017:
Thanks. I really needed to hear that. I've been kicking myself and blaming myself for my lack of discipline. But I think you're right, I've got to look forwards not backwards and not give up. Thanks for being so supportive


Donkey on 01/14/2017:
Hello, I don't think I've welcomed you yet, but I have been reading your entries... (I don't log in as often as I would like.)

With respect to unsupportive folks around you, I would suggest that you stick to your healthier choices. They'll stop commenting eventually (hopefully -- if not, maybe it's time to re-evaluate who you surround yourself with). Club soda, wine spritzers, vegetables, vegetables, vegetables.

I hear ya on reaching your limits. Been there, done that. But then just right back on track as soon as you can.

They say that depression is rage turned inward. Having struggled with severe depression for close to 20 years (not necessarily consecutive years), I finally realized that if I don't love myself first, then getting out of the darkness is twice the battle. It's a fight I struggle with on almost a daily basis.

inarut on 01/15/2017:
Thanks. Your words really hit home for me. Depression is rage turned inwards... I've never heard that phrase before but that's powerful.

I really thought about what you said about loving yourself first, it's been playing on my mind. I've got a big decision to make about a job opportunity that's come up. for the first time ever, I actually considered whether I would be HAPPY in this role. Normally I only think about money, prestige of the job etc. It's a refreshing way to think - and I feel so much better actually thinking about myself and my own wellbeing.



inarut - Sunday Jan 08, 2017
(Diet Chef)
Weight: 308.0

8lbs down. I'm pleased.

I'm getting to grips with this diet. Had my first gym session in a long time today. Feel worn out but happy and proud. It's been very difficult learning to be controlled around food. Food was my comfort in stressful times

But what do I do about unsupportive family/friends? My family that I live with have upped the ante with bringing in temptations. Take aways, fridge and cupboards full of junk, cooking my old favourite high fat meals and insisting I join them to eat these temptations. Friends who won't take no for an answer when I say I'm not drinking, who only want to go out to eat and won't meet in any other settings.

Food peer pressure is killing me. I have one family member who lives in a different town but has been really good and drove down to come to the gym with me today, taught me about cooking different vegetables etc. Another relative who lives far but phones to be encouraging.

But the people I live with, the people I work with, the people I'm friends with just are so unsupportive. I haven't got much willpower, it's hard enough.

I don't know if anyone will even read this but I'd love some feedback about how to deal with people who try and actually get you to break the diet and stick with unhealthy ways

Progress as of today: 8 lbs lost so far, only 9 lbs to go!

innerpeace on 01/08/2017:
Tell them it's not in your food plan! Don't go out, stay in and eat. I know it is very hard, but insist you are doing it for your health and would appreciate their support, and keeping eating and drinking in front of you is not helpful. I know I have to deal with this type of people as well. You just have to set you mind to it and do it for yourself. Good luck I hope you continue to come here and journal, the support is great.


puddles on 01/08/2017:
There is a lot of power in proving to your family and friends that you can do this... It can be your motivation to show them that they are wrong. Keep steady and keep walking away from the temptations. I am sure that at one point they will start to back off.


Ms.Kay on 01/08/2017:
Welcome! I am new to Diet Diaries as well. And food has been my comfort in stressful situations also! I share a lot of the same struggles as you with not having the support system to make this healthy lifestyle change so I can relate. And I agree with the comment above, standing firm on reminding family and friends that certain things are not a food option for you is important. Something also that helped me was so I didn't feel like I was isolating myself when others would invite me to resturants is research the menu in advance to pre-selected healthy food options in advance. And if you are concerned about about over indulging have a Salad or something healthy before you go out so when you arrive you are less likely to over indulging, hope that helps. Best wishes on your journey.


Horn_Of_Plenty on 01/09/2017:
Well, your friends at DD are going to support you here as long as you are being healthy. We'll give you tips and encouragement for sure!

And as for friends / family that are not being helpful or are actually being more like detrimental towards you reaching your goal, if someone is doing this i suggest you HOLD YOUR GROUND or tell them not to make that dish...STAND UP FOR YOURSELF - a friend will help you bring yourself up & if they aren't doing that, in my opinion, don't count them as too close a friend.

lately, i had this scenario also...i have a coworker / friend who's told me MANY times recently that "fun Jackie" is when i'm drinking...well, bc she likes to drink & get drunk - but the truth is, i'm always me, i'm always fun, and i KNOW for a FACT that the fun me is NOT when i'm drunk and hooking up with a fellow coworker...so...i am not distancing myself from here and taking care of myself more now...and realizing that she is not added to my goals of improved health - if she's getting me to drink and sorta bullying me to this ya know!? she does't mean to hurt me i don't think no - but i do know better...


inarut on 01/09/2017:
Oh wow! Thanks everyone! I keep reading your comments over and over lol!

I know I need to be strong and disciplined. Today has been a day of temptations but I've started to be very honest with people saying a firm (but polite) "no thanks" and explaining I'm trying to be healthier.

I've set myself mini weight loss goals and I'm getting close to my next goal and I really want to get there. I think I'll have to avoid a couple of planned social gatherings as the pressure to drink to excess will be immense.

But I feel good, so much better than I did yesterday. Tougher. Struhgt


Horn_of_plenty on 01/09/2017:
Oh, i do avoid sometimes gatherings that are late or late on a Friday after work...especially if i have to drive far...but if it's to drink after being up since the crack of dawn, i am no longer interested because it's just additional calories and up late and not getting sleep...i tend to say no to things that are useless to my health....

...but of course sometimes i give into social events as these are my friends...but my latest night of going out and not drinking made me realize, it's ok to say no - just like you are doing. and you can always leave early....stay a shorter time.

never think you cannot stand up for yourself because you always can.



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