- Thursday Mar 06, 2008
The clinic called me yesterday afternoon to let me know that my ultrasound appointment is scheduled for June 25th. JUNE???! Are you kidding me?!! I'm pretty sure that's what I said to her on the phone. What a waste. What a waste, what a waste, what a waste. I feel like i'm on the verge of breaking down, like this was the last straw. I went to the gym last night and did a light jogging routine. Okay, it was very light. Yes, I jogged, but not for very long. And very slowly. Almost like a fast-walk if you want me to be completely honest. And I think I complained the entire time I was there about having to workout. I can't believe my friend wants me to go again on Friday, i'm surprised she didn't write me off right there on the spot.
I am hoping that supper out with friends tonight will lift my spirits somewhat. But for right now, I need ibuprofen. So just let me complain, okay?!!
Rating for Tuesday - 7/10 (I made it to the gym, but I was extremely owly)
Exercise for March - 1 hour. Unbelievable.
- Wednesday Mar 05, 2008
So, I might be a sac of whimp, but I won't know for sure until I go for an ultrasound. The doctor told me that everything he tested me for turned out normal, so he wants to try doing an ultrasound. I have to wait for them to phone me to make an appointment. By that time i'll probably be back to normal!! People piss me off. Not you guys though :).
Gym tonight. I was going to take it easy, but screw that, i'm starting my 5k workouts again. Not that they're incredibly hard or anything.
Geez, i'm in a bad mood. I want to beat up a garbage can, but the ones here at work are too small. I wouldn't get any relief from it.
- Tuesday Mar 04, 2008
Thanks so much for all of your comments yesterday ladies, I really appreciate your concern and support. Although some of your entries terrified me, I realize that you're only educating me on the worst-case scenarios. I don't have a lot to say today, my doctor's appointment is at 4:30 and until then i'll be in limbo. Honestly, if he doesn't have an explanation for me, i'm going to whoop some serious doctor butt...
I feel depressed today, but I think maybe i'm just playing the poor me card. There isn't anything to be depressed about. I'm okay. I'm just scared: scared that it will be something serious, and scared that i'm just a sac of wimp and nothing's wrong with me at all.
Rating for Monday: 6/10 - I did the dishes yesterday, that's an improvement.
- Monday Mar 03, 2008
That "something bad" that I was dreading was going to happen last week happened on Friday night. I developed severe chest pains which at first I thought was just a really bad case of heartburn. And, in theory, I was right. The more I tried to let it pass, the worse it got. Finally, the pain was so terrible that it was making me physically sick and i'm sure I vomited the entire three meals I had eaten that day. I called a friend who came over with tums and flat 7-Up. They didn't work and around the same time my right arm lost some strength and the fingers in my right hand started tingling and going numb. After panicking and then ruling out a heart attack, my Dad and the friend who had come over decided it was in my best interest to force me to the hospital.
In conclusion, it was probably a gall bladder attack. But it sure felt like a heart attack. Wake up, legcramps. Wake up. I don't know why it happened - when I researched online I found that it normally occurs in Native Americans or Mexican Americans. I am neither. It occurs in overweight people. This is why i'm posting my weight today - I am not overweight for my height (5'6"), though I am pushing it a bit. I've been eating regular meals for a long time, nothing out of the ordinary. It's weird. I wonder if I brought something back with me from Mexico.
I'll find out more tomorrow when I see the doc about the test results - bloodwork and a chest x-ray. Chances are, he'll say i'm fine. If I ever go through that pain again, i'm going to go to his house and wrap my hands around his neck. Although, that probably won't hurt him because my right hand will have lost all its strength...
Taking it easy, going to read your entries and get through the workday today. Tonight I need to review my homework. No exercise :( March is starting off just great.
Rating for Friday: 2/10
Rating for Saturday: 5/10 (at least I moved around a bit and ate well because I was too scared to not eat well)
Rating for Sunday: 4/10 (my laziness caught up with me)
- Thursday Feb 28, 2008
Another good day yesterday (I swear, something bad has GOT to happen sooner or later) and came in under 1200 cals. I forgot to rate my day for Tuesday, so i'm giving it an 8/10 - it would have been a 9 if I had gone to the gym. Coulda Shoulda Woulda. Whatever.
So my friend called me last night about a half hour before we *usually* go to the gym. I say *usually* because we haven't been going very consistently lately. Anyhow, so she calls me and says that she's decided to go for coffee with a friend instead of going to the gym. She's walked to and from work that day and she feels that she's gotten her exercise in for the day, but she wanted to call me and let me know and also see if I wanted to go to the gym tonight instead. I was a little miffed, so was very abrupt with her and used my boyfriend's brother being at the house as my excuse to get off the phone, telling her i'd call her back tonight.
I didn't really appreciate the fact that I *thought* we had made plans and she so easily was able to change them to go out with another friend. I suppose I shouldn't be so jealous, but that's how I feel. Oh well, I need to let it go, and I can't let that get in the way of exercising.
I studied again last night for three hours and finally completed all the papers I needed to do! Yeehaw!! I'm so relieved. I sent some of them yesterday and the rest this morning. I hope they will still accept them - should I phone and find out for sure? I have a little left to go over tonight and tomorrow, but now I can set aside an hour or so each day to review the material before the seminar. I am quite happy and feel very accomplished today... :)
Rating for yesterday - 9/10 :)
- Wednesday Feb 27, 2008
Yikes, I made it another day and again am under 1200 calories. I wasn't even trying yesterday to get those cals, but it just sort of happened that way. I'll take it, though, don't get me wrong! I was hungry again in the morning, towards lunchtime, and then again late afternoon before heading home after work. But it wasn't as bad yesterday as compared with Monday. I cut down a bit on breakfast (don't worry, I still eat a lot for breakfast!) and upped my dinner slightly because I find it hard to stop eating after dinner because i'm still *empty*. Yesterday I studied for three hours though, so that helped to not think about eating, and I ate my bowl of fruit after dinner which also helped to fill me up.
I woke up incredibly tired this morning. I had a rough night, wasn't able to fall asleep right away and so just layed awake for a long time, then I woke up a couple of times during the night. I made myself some decaf coffee and i'm thinking this might be the reason????? I don't know, there were a zillion things going through my head as well and the lack of sleep could have been because of that. Anyways, even washing my face with ice cold water this morning didn't help to wake me up. I'm still a little groggy and it's already 10:30am!! My boyfriend's sister came over to visit last night just as I was finishing my courses for the night - good timing, otherwise I may have been frustrated with the interruption! She wanted someone to go to the movie with her - P.S. I Love You was playing in the theatre in town and she really wanted to see it. She ended up going on her own because no one else wanted to - I was so pathetically tired by then that I could barely even keep the conversation going...
Because of all the great things I got accomplished yesterday, I opted out of exercising. I'm okay with it - I feel accomplished and it's okay if I *miss* this workout. Maybe I can make up for it, but i'm not going to let it rip me apart. I hope to make it to the gym tonight and get on that treadmill again to do my running, but I still have a lot of studying to do. I still don't have the papers that are due today completed, so I need to find a way to get them faxed in tonight. Urgh, drama.
- Tuesday Feb 26, 2008
So THAT's what it feels like to be on a 1200 calorie diet. Yesterday certainly didn't win me over and I find it hard to think I could be manipulated into thinking that something like what I went through yesterday is FUN.
I was hungry all day, all the time. I ate a good breakfast in the morning, my lunch consisted of well-balanced leftovers from the night before, and dinner was much of the same only my dog got to half of it before I could. Okay, he got to the bread and left the beans alone. You cannot imagine how upset I was that he had eaten my bread! The wrath of God came down upon him, i'm serious. You just don't take my bread, man. Especially since this particular bread was one of my favorites - Naan. I was left with a simple morsel of bread that I tried to place on the top of my mouth to make it melt so that I could savor each tiny little crumb that went down my throat. It had little effect and left me feeling extremely frustrated. In the end, I over-compensated by eating a few pieces of regular whole wheat bread with margarine, emotional eater that I am. Even though I had an unsuccessful dinner, I still made out alright with under 1200 calories yesterday. Amazing.
I studied last night for 2 hours and realized how overwhelming this whole process is going to be until the day of my seminar, March 12. Unfortunately, some of my paperwork has to be sent in by Wednesday and i'm not even close to completing it. Thankfully it can be faxed in so i'm hoping that Thursday morning i'll have some kind of progress made and can fax in what i've done so far. Wednesday, Thursday.... what's the difference?!! It's not that structured of a course, so hopefully they will allow the one day late papers. After studying, I managed to pick my butt up off the couch and head to the gym, where I jogged 15 minutes and walked 15 minutes, alternating between the two. Then I went on the recumbant bike. Total time at the gym was 1 hour. Fell into bed soon after.
Monday - completed; i'd give myself a 8/10. Perhaps with a little more effort, it could have been a 9.
- Monday Feb 25, 2008
Oh my God, i'm STILL HUNGRY! :(
I'M HUNGRY! :(
I picked up groceries this weekend and am set for the rest of the week - there is no reason why I should not have any problems getting back into the dieting thing. I don't eat only fruit during the day, but I do try to limit everything else. I didn't think about sugar levels, HoP, i'll have to watch what i'm doing because that could get quite serious. Thanks for the heads up.
I had eggs and toast this morning for breakfast. It was a large breakfast, but I woke up starving and it's because I skipped dinner yesterday. No, not on purpose. I was cleaning the house and called a friend to see if she wanted to visit later on last night and by the time I finished cleaning, she was already at the front door. Yes, I know I could still have eaten something, but I didn't. Let's move on.
There are plenty of leftovers to choose from for lunch today, good eats like brown rice, green beans and either chicken or beef steak. Plenty of choices for dinner as well, so I definitely won't go starving and I definitely will stick to healthy foods. Tonight a friend is forcing me to the gym (thank goodness) for an hour or so. Will continue with my treadmill training there.
I'm hoping this week will instill in me the willpower I need to get through the next month. My boyfriend is still away from home, working hard. It's getting more difficult to get through the days without having him there to not only help out but just be there, for whatever. But enough about that, i'm going to go and read your entries now. Have a great day everyone!
- Friday Feb 22, 2008
Getting back into the groove of things is sure hard! Winter isn't helping any either, although it's starting to feel a bit warmer than it has been, which is really nice. So I sent a message to my Tai Chi and kickboxing instructor yesterday, explaining that I wouldn't be returning to classes until the start of March. I told him that I needed time to work on my classes, which is reasonably correct. On the other hand, I really just didn't want to be there. Clicking the send button was difficult, but I did it and I feel a little better about explaining my absence to him instead of having him wonder where I am all the time.
I did well yesterday, but the batch of chocolate chip cookies I made on Sunday is dwindling and it's all because I keep sneaking one every time I walk past the cookie jar. Why i'm *sneaking* them is beyond me - there's only the dogs there to see me do it. Other than that though, i've been trying to stick to fruits during the day and meat and rice with vegetables for dinner. Slowly I will get back to the place I was before leaving on holidays (which to be honest with you wasn't exactly the best place to be, but it was better than where I am now!). One day I will post my weight here again. One day when i'm feeling like succeeding instead of just scraping by. I must remember that I like to deliberately fail at things - misery loves company and all that. Maybe a new year's resolution should have been to work on sticking things out. Did I even make any resolutions this year?
Tonight I plan on studying. This weekend i'm *hoping* to get outside with the dogs and go to the gym to re-start my running routine in order to do a 5k run i'm going to enter again in August.
*I wonder if anyone here is entering any runs this year, or maybe, like, half-marathons and things of that nature* (perhaps this is an inside joke that not even the inside person will get... I was never good at wording my sentences properly)
- Thursday Feb 21, 2008
I've been pretty down on myself lately and i've made the decision to not go back to Tai Chi or kickboxing until March. I don't know if this decision was made out of laziness or if it is actually explainable, but right now I don't care. I just don't want to go. I really need to devote myself to getting in some study time with my management courses, otherwise I can pretty much kiss a good grade goodbye. I only have a few weeks left until the first seminar, and I have a TON of work to do. I'll never understand why I always leave everything to the last minute and then stress out until it's half-a$$ed done and wonder why I do so poorly.
ANYHOW, holy I can sure complain! I think i'm going to take your advice and map out a plan for the remainder of February, except I need to remember to leave leg-room here and there so that I don't go crazy from too much structure!
Things to consider: gym time, work, dogs, family and friends, study course, writing, leg-room.
When you take away Tai Chi and Kickboxing, it almost looks do-able. I must be forgetting something...
Total exercise for February is i'm not going to tell you. You win, HoP! But in March it may be a different story!!! :)
Thanks for all the comments and advice - I think the moral of the story here is that I need to quit enabling myself to fail and really start trying instead of thinking everything will just fall into my lap.