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legcramps - Thursday Apr 17, 2008

Weight: 147.0

Everything I touched turned into poop yesterday, I should really have just begged off and crawled into bed to sleep it off! Hollybelle, you're right - I need to let people be how they will be and learn to accept it for what it is... when they're gosspiping, i'm not actually in the conversation but I can hear them and who they're talking about. I'm not eavesdropping either - they totally should know that their voices carry, i've told them before. Anyways, THOSE are the conversations I don't want to hear anymore. I don't know what else I can do to make it stop - I can't get through those thick skulls...

Anyways, I went for dinner yesterday and my LEAST favorite food was on the menu. I pushed down all the chinese food I could but I sure didn't enjoy that meal, and I just didn't have the time or momentum to pick something different up for myself. My boyfriend also didn't show up for dinner - he was still working. So I heard all about him not showing up for dinner from grandma and my mother. We went to grandma's afterwards for cake and ice cream and basically my mother and I just sat at the kitchen table listening to grandma talk on the phone with all her children and relatives who phoned for her birthday - about an hour and a half later I just decided I was too tired to just sit there and I went home. My boyfriend called during that time and said he wasn't going to join me so that pissed me off too. I make every effort to join him when his family is celebrating something, but because there are no other adults his age he thinks it's too boring to join me when I celebrate with my family. He's half right about it being boring, but it doesn't mean you can't still show some respect to grandma and to ME. I know I sound incredibly whiney and inconsiderate and selfish right now, but it's how I feel! I'm not actually going to vocalize any of these feelings, but I think writing them down will help me get over it faster. When I finally got home, he wasn't there. He showed up about half an hour later, and I went to sit downstairs in the living room to chat with him because I hadn't really sat down and chatted with him for a couple of days, and he decided he was going to take the dogs for a walk. HE decided HE was going. Not ME, or US. I just about lost it, I swear! When they all left and I was all on my own (yes, feel sorry for me) I turned off all the lights, had a little cry and fell asleep soon after. I don't feel any better today. I want to take a car (like a big Truck or something), lift it high and drop it on a building or something. This is how much anger I have boiling inside!!

The thought came to me yesterday, speaking of boiling things. I've been like a pot of water on the stove, simmering for the last couple of years, then slowly reaching a boiling point, and now i'm boiling over... watch out world, now i'm BURNING everything I touch!!

1 whole wheat bagel with peanut butter spread

1 bottle gingerale

1 Advil so far, but I think another one's about to be popped into my mouth

1/4 cup macaroni salad

1/4 cup whole grain rice

1/4 cup chicken breast

1 cup flavored coffee

2 pieces watermelon

6 slices whole wheat soy bread with peanut butter spread (well, I knew it was only a matter of time...)

thinnsidenotout on 04/17/2008:
RE: Structured Eating....HA! HA!... I write what I ate the day before, not what I AM going to eat....... When I get up in the mornings I have no idea what I'm going to eat for the day, just know what I have to choose from and go from there.... I wish I could plan a menu for the day, but I just don't work that way...My taste buds always want something different than what I planned, so I tossed that out the window long ago...

Sounds like you are very frustrated with MANY things right now... SORRY!... I know how that feels...It is hard to know how to go about turning all those icky feelings to positive energy, but at least try for a little bit and you may feel a tad better....

Hope your evening can become pleasurable..... Check on ya tomorrow!


mskitty on 04/17/2008:
(in response to what you wrote on my journal)

Yeah I totally know what you mean... and the TV and the tabloids usually give a narrow minded review that is usually full of bias opinions about the religion Scientology... I would just like someone to hand me the information without all the propaganda so that I can make an intelligent decision about it on my own...so far its "creepy" to me too.

hmmm a lot of anger over here huh... All I can say about anger is that the more you shovel out the more you'll get piled back onto you from other people. Anger as appealing of an emotion as it can be in the end is a useless response to anything. Being positive or negative are habits of thoughts that have a very strong influence on ones life.

Anyone can become angry. That is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose and in the right way... that is not easy.

15:1 A soft answer turns away wrath, But a harsh word stirs up anger. -- Proverbs, 15:1.

Anger really doesn't serve you.... it makes you unhappy, think negative thoughts... makes people start to dislike you... and sometimes can lead to fatal responses. You should take a week challenge with yourself and cut all anger out of your thoughts and replace them with things that make you feel good. If something unhappy happens to you... stop yourself from spiraling into a continues negative thought pattern and try to think about the good points of the situation despite the unhappiness it brought you... learn from those experiences. Happiness is within you. When you stop the chatter of the mind and expel your worries and fears you find out that happiness surfaces from within you.

Take 100% responsibility for your own life...Your attitude decides whether you are happy or not. You can change your attitude


Beth201P on 04/17/2008:
I am so sorry you are having a hard time. I know it is so hard when people around you don't do what you know is the right thing. He should have gone to your grandma's house. We sometimes have to do something that we don't like for the other person in a relationship. He needs to learn that. Some people just don't think. I hope the rest of the week gets better. Hang in there at work. If asking them to stop nicely did not work, maybe you should go to a manager or higher. I worked in a office and what they are doing is taking away from what they should be doing. I know it is harder to do that when you are the person it's happening to. I just wanted to share my ideas with you. ((hugs))



legcramps - Wednesday Apr 16, 2008

Weight: 147.0

So I didn't get to walk last night, it rained all through the day and night so there just wasn't a chance at all to get out there and walk. Today I see that the sun is shining outside and it may be a good day for a walk although we are again booked solid with a birthday dinner, plus we need to take showers tonight (REALLY, really need to!). Unfortunately, I am in a terrible mood right now and I need to vent. Sorry!

I just can't stand working with people who are so vindictive. There's this *thing* going on at work between a couple of co-workers and it's spread to just about everyone in the office! It's terrible! I just despise gossip, but realize that everyone will do and say whatever they like. The problem is that i'm right here - out in the open - and I hear it all!!! The problem is that they don't bother to wait for their coffee breaks to grumble about people, they just move smoothly from office to office ALL DAY instead, spreading their gossip-mongrel filth! I know i've vented about this before, well I think you all know how angry it makes me! I know the gossip isn't about me, has nothing to do with me, but SERIOUSLY, i'm so disgusted with this that i'm about to break down and sob right now!

There's something else, too. It's grandma's b-day today and I baked her a cake. Well, she went ahead and baked one herself - exactly the same kind of cake I made for her! And it doesn't matter to my mother that I made a cake for grandma's b-day because I didn't wish grandma a Happy Birthday today when she walked into the office and I got an earfull because of it!!! Making the cake? Well, that was obviously a HUGE mistake that I will NEVER make again! Far be it from me to try and tell anyone how to do anything - I can't do anything right or good enough or properly and i'm starting to feel the effects of it today!

I'm far too hard on myself and strive for impossible things, things that just will never be available to me. But is it so hard to ask that you show a tiny bit of graciousness towards me when I try so hard to do something that, to me, IS quite impossible? I can't cook, okay?! I've never made Angel Food Cake before, and I screwed up the first batch I tried. Laugh if you want, but I worked long and hard on that cake and gave up many precious minutes that could've been spent elsewhere!

And, can't anyone show any respect these days either??? If you have a problem with a co-worker, fine. Deal with it. With that co-worker, not with the whole freakin' office group!!

ARGH! I can't handle this!

1 whole wheat bagel with peanut butter spread

1 bottle ginger ale

2 Advil so far

1/2 cup macaroni salad

1/2 baked potato

1 cup flavored coffee

1 chocolate egg (I was under stress!!!)

1 can Sprite

1 cup chicken fried rice

2 chicken balls

1 sweet and sour pork rib

1 cup vegetable stir-fry

1 slice grandma's Angel Food Cake with ice cream and strawberries (Yikes!)

1 slice of my own Angel Food Cake (okay, hers was better)

thinnsidenotout on 04/16/2008:
Yes my dear.... I hear you....I am so sorry!.....It is sad that noone can go to the one that was offensive and clear the air....Makes for much less tension on those who have absolutely nothing to do with the matter...There is still tension, but it is better than ~~~***gossip***~~~

G'ma's Cake- hmmmm, not sure what to say about that one.... We have a close knit family and things get "misconskrewed" to make one look inconsiderate when fact is the complete opposite sometimes as well...Best "VOICE" how they made YOU feel instead of them "TELLING" you how you should of handled something to make them feel "IMPORTANT", when in fact you had done something to say "Happy Birthday"...It is obvious that you DIDN'T forget it.....

Hope you can get yourself out of the dumps and see that YOU ARE WORTH THE EFFORT that you at least put into yourself and let the others go on.....Spend that energy on YOU, not on allowing them to spend it on their issues...Easier said than done, I am sure, but are you able to maybe get outside for a few minutes or something and clear your head?

Try to have a good evening.... {*;*}


Beth201P on 04/16/2008:
I hear what you are saying. I understand big time. I am sorry that your mother did not see what you did for your grandmother. That was so thoughtful of you to bake her a cake. What I would suggest is nicely ask those that come in your office that you perfer not to share in the gossip ring and to please leave you out of it. I know harder than done, but sometimes people don't realize something bothers you unless you explain to them. I wish you the best. Hang in there and remember we Love you!!! (((Hugs)))


hollybelle on 04/17/2008:
You sound a lot like I am sometimes in that you tend to take on the emotions of your surroundings and you really prefer for everyone to be nice and happy! It's hard to exist in this world and get along sometimes, isn't it. It helps me so much when I take time to keep myself from going down that slippery slope of frustration by STOPPING and remembering that the only one I am truly responsible for is me and the way I live my life. Even when those close to me react badly (like to the cake???) I am not responsible for how they feel (or how they act)because usually they are feeling or acting inappropriate in the first place. There is just is no point in feeling badly about what someone else does, because I'm not in control of it and (here's the really good part) it probably has MORE TO DO WITH A PROBLEM WITH THEM THAN A PROBLEM WITH ME. It is not my job to please people, only God. When I whittle my life's job description down to that, life gets a little easier (sort of). At least when I can do that I feel like I am doing what I am supposed to. Also, I found that what is sometimes the chief cause of my frustration is wishing others were different. And that isn't up to me, either! Just some thoughts from my side of things....hope your day brightens up soon!



legcramps - Tuesday Apr 15, 2008

Weight: 147.0

I went for a walk yesterday! It was very nice outside, although I had to wear some summer clothing and it really made me feel like a stuffed pig, my lumps and bumps sticking out for everyone to see. Oh well. I lived through it and i'll live through it again. My boyfriend and I are supposed to be going out for dinner tonight for his sister's birthday. I'm going to try and coerce him into walking with me to the restaurant as long as the weather is good. It's raining right now. It's a pretty good distance and i'm going to need the walk if we're going out to eat TWICE this week, NOT including what will eventually happen on the weekend because we ALWAYS end up eating out.

2 cups flavored coffee

1 whole wheat bagel with peanut butter spread

1/4 cup macaroni salad

1/4 cup whole grain rice

1/4 cup chicken breast

1/4 cup cooked carrots

1 Oatmeal To Go Wild Berry snackbar

1 Advil so far

*****

1/2 steak

1/2 baked potato

2 hunks of garlic bread (no, again I couldn't resist...)

1 cup tossed salad with Ranch dressing

1 bottle O'Doule's with clamato juice

then I snacked on another whole wheat bagel with peanut butter spread

then I snacked on a piece of watermelon. Yummy. Yum. Yum.

mmuraro on 04/15/2008:
Hey girl, thanks so much for your comment. I agree with everything you said and I am looking at this with optimism and i will enjoy being with my parents so much. they're great. I'll post a pic of us soon.

Now let's also take a minute to visualize me and how happy i will be when i get to your weight ........ oh yeah. I like that. :) congrats and xoxo.


mskitty on 04/15/2008:
Yeah its always nice when you have a loved one along for the walk. Tyler never liked walking places before... now he is always at my side walking someplace. Haha Anywho your menu looks awesom... your awesom and keep up the great work


thinnsidenotout on 04/15/2008:
Have a fun walk and stay dry.....Your menu looks good!



legcramps - Monday Apr 14, 2008

Weight: 147.0

Hi everyone -

Thank you for your wishes, I am feeling much better today although maybe a little groggy still. The good news is that I managed to get some groceries yesterday and now there are actually healthy options IN the house that we can eat!! It was about time, i'll tell 'ya that much!

Although I haven't been able to exercise much lately, I am *feeling* like i'm on the right track (at least for the next few days). It is so beautiful outside today, we are supposed to have a high of 25 degrees celsius! This would be absolutely wonderful, and I will be dragging my butt outside for a nice long walk. And opening all the windows in the house to let out all the stale winter air...

Barely 1 cup of coffee this morning, with sugar

1 whole wheat bagel with peanut butter spread

1 mushroom burger on whole wheat with lettuce and cheddar cheese

1 bottle ginger ale

2 advil so far

******

1 whole wheat bagel with peanut butter spread

1/2 cup whole grain rice

1/2 chicken breast

1/2 cup macaroni salad

1/2 cup cooked carrots

1 cup coffee with sugar

small handful (maybe 5) of blueberries

1 slice watermelon

Wow, that looks like a lot of food...

thinnsidenotout on 04/14/2008:
Glad to hear you are feeling better...Hope your day was pleasant!


mmuraro on 04/14/2008:
enjoy the weather. we're having a cold wave this week, it's around 10 celsius now. yuck


Beth201P on 04/14/2008:
I am so happy to hear that you are feeling better. Enjoy the weather and have a wonderful day.



legcramps - Friday Apr 11, 2008

Weight: 147.0

I've been sick for the past couple of days. I swear, if i'm not working i'm sick and if i'm not sick i'm working. To add to it all, my boyfriend decided that today was the day to start ripping apart the bathroom so he shut off the water and I can't use the toilet or bathtub! NOT the best day to have done that to me! So i'm driving around town looking for places to go to the bathroom 'cause it's the only bathroom we have, and wouldn't it be my luck to drive past one of my co-workers! Oh great, now she probably thinks I just called in sick in order to have an extra long weekend. I guess I can't concern myself with what she thinks but it sure isn't making me feel any better.

I don't really feel like writing much today, so i'm going to sign off now. I can hardly look at the monitor without my eyes going buggy.

thinnsidenotout on 04/11/2008:
Sorry!.... Never fails to not be feeling well and all other things that seem to go wrong compiled, just make ya feel worse....

HOpe you are feeling 100% better soon....

I wrote about your chocolate bunny today... {*:*}


mmuraro on 04/11/2008:
Hope you feel better. It's so frustrating when you can actually do other things instead of work and then you get sick :( boo. feel better soon.


Beth201P on 04/11/2008:
I hope you are feeling better real soon. Yes don't worry about what everyone else thinks. You have a good day and get lots of rest. ((Hugs))


smiley2 on 04/13/2008:
Dont worry....sometimes Murphy's law cannot be stopped hehehe. Just focus on gaining your strengh and hope you get better soon! Wx



legcramps - Wednesday Apr 09, 2008

Weight: 147.0

Tuesday:

.75 L water (again, but at least i'm consistent)

2 cups flavored coffee

1 cranberry oatmeal bar in the morning (breakfast I guess)

1/4 chicken ceasar for lunch

I snuck a caramel chocolate in the afternoon (1 pc)

I went on a mini chocolate binge after work (easter bunny - I ate the body 'cause the head and neck were already gone; otherwise I probably would've eaten the whole darn thing)

6" sub (turkey and ham) on whole wheat with mayo, mustard and lettuce

trail mix snack (and I can safely say that I ate two servings)

The chocolate snack in the afternoon really jinxed me. Today if I feel like having chocolate again, i'm going to buy another cranberry oatmeal bar instead. It took me so long to eat that bar yesterday! I like eating things that take a long time; it makes it harder to stuff a lot of food in your face in a short period of time!

I need to get groceries, but it's not going to happen anytime soon. I have another meeting tonight after work so who knows what we'll do for dinner today. Nothing is structured and it's driving me insane! I love planning my day out and absolutely hate it when things get in the way. I suppose that's called life! Well, maybe i'll get a short burst of energy after work (very highly doubtful) and make it to the grocery store before my meeting. Then what do I do for dinner??? Well, i'll figure it out.

thinnsidenotout on 04/09/2008:
I like raw roasted cashews & almonds for snack...No Sugar, No Salt, just pure energy and good fats... I like snack bars too though....

Hope you can savy up the energy to get to the grocery store, so you can feel better about what you are eating...cause you make healthy choices...

Have a super Wednesday!


crstarlette on 04/09/2008:
Is your easter bunny gone now? If so, at least now that you've eaten it that's one less thing you have to worry about eating later, and one less thing to sit around and crave because you know it's in your house. Hope you have a good day and make time for the grocery store!


Beth201P on 04/09/2008:
Hey we all have our slips....Have a good day. No more chocolate bunnies. LOL


Mommy of 5 on 04/09/2008:
I know what you mean with the chocolate cravings. I have some sort of chocolate every day. I've been eating these Snickers Protein bars that only have 4g fat and about 200 calories. Pretty yummy too. They seem to be doing the trick. You'll get back on track. Have a good afternoon.


mmuraro on 04/09/2008:
Good luck! I have been eating way too many simple carbs and thats why i am getting cravings again, i was NOT gertting them when i was eating more complex carbs and very little simple carbs and sugars, I def wanna go back to that xo.


Maria7 on 04/09/2008:
I love chocolate, too!


Maria7 on 04/09/2008:
Especially caramel chocolate, YUM!!! Have a nice day! Big smile to you!



legcramps - Tuesday Apr 08, 2008

Weight: 147.0

It was a long day yesterday; I worked my regular workday, then had another meeting on top of it all later in the evening. It wasn't a long meeting though, so that's good.

.75 L water throughout the day (not very good, but it's a start)

3 cups coffee throughout the day with cream and sugar (suprisingly, this is cutting back quite a bit)

croissant for breakfast - plain, white bread (this was actually around 10am because I missed breakfast)

one slice leftover pizza for lunch (I had to, otherwise it wouldn't get eaten!!)

3/4 chicken ceasar salad with one slice garlic toast (do you think I need to cut down on the bread???!!!)

one package oreo cookie treat (I think this was around the 300 calorie mark)

I have the leftover chicken ceasar salad for lunch today, with some leftover chicken breast to add to it. I don't think I did terribly yesterday, but I sure know I can do better. Well, first day back on the job you know...

Beth201P on 04/08/2008:
YUM your menu sounds so good.....I think I need to start eating more of different items....I may be getting burned out on my food choices. Have a wonderful day.


mmuraro on 04/08/2008:
I wouldn't cut down on the bread, I learn if i do that I am never satisfied, so i never just go for a salad in my meals. If you wanna cut on anything, i would be careful with the caesar dressing, it's very fatty. but a good way to go is ordering it on the side, so you can just control the portion. if you use a spoon it's not that bad, but restaurants usually put a lot of it! xo


thinnsidenotout on 04/08/2008:
I have to be very careful with the bread....Very addicting and I could have a 1/2 loaf of fresh white bread and 1/2 jar of crunchy PB gone in one sitting.. That is why I go for the No flour (Healthy Way) kinds..It satisfies the bread want, but doesn't call out for me wanting to eat way more than I should..

You did alot better than some would of and you will do better as each day goes by.....



legcramps - Monday Apr 07, 2008

Weight: 147.0

I've been very calorie-conscious over the weekend and I think I might be starting to get back on track. Baby steps! The weekend was spent doing a lot of cleaning, but thankfully it all was accomplished so that I can start SPRING cleaning in a few weeks! Yay. We are also reno'ing the bathroom this week (it will probably take two months with our luck though), and so there will be a mess in the house for a long time to come. It was nice to see it cleaned up a bit before that happens! The snow is slowly melting and it feels damn good to see the grass again in the backyard - it is starting to make me think of my flower gardens and that's wonderful because gardening puts me in a great mood - even thinking about it does.

I drove into the city on Friday to pick up a few pairs of pants for work because the ones I have now are too small. I managed to find a few pairs; one pair is even really funky - like the kind only small people can get away with. Not that i'll be able to get away with it, but I liked the pattern and usually wear whatever the heck I want anyways! I also found a few shirts that I can wear while working out or walking outside. My friend and I got together on Thursday night and waxed each other's legs so that makes me feel a lot better too. Sometimes just looking after yourself a tiny bit can make a huge difference. I'm not pleased about having to purchase clothes in a bigger size - don't get the wrong impression here - but I AM feeling better since buying them because now at least I can wear something that actually FITS.

Yesterday was designated as my 'rest' day. I want to plan at least two of these days in each month, but maybe even once a week depending on how the work week goes. I just lounged around in my sweats and tank top, read, wrote a bit, watched a movie on tv; I did things I don't normally take the time to do. Granted, I still did laundry, but I actually find it a little relaxing to have that structure - wash load, dry load, fold load. I stayed away from the computer and slept in until 10:30am! I refused to think about the next week of work (but it did manage to slip into my thoughts every now and then) and I feel pretty good today because of it. I feel rested, actually rested and ready for this week or the next couple of weeks (or maybe just for today).

workingit2 on 04/07/2008:
I agree, taking care of yourself in the little ways does make a big difference! Glad to read that you are getting back on track YAY!



legcramps - Thursday Apr 03, 2008

Weight: 147.0

Last night we went out for dinner for a friend's birthday. I ordered steak, baked potato, a tossed salad and garlic bread. I took home half the steak and half the potato. I didn't add butter or anything else to the potato, either, which i'm very proud of :). However, I couldn't stop myself from eating the garlic bread...

My boyfriend actually took the dogs for a walk last night after we got home from dinner, but it was already 9:30pm and there was just no way it was going to happen for me. I'd been tired all day and hadn't gotten any sleep the night before, so I was in no mood to still be awake at 10pm! I crawled into bed and I think I got a pretty decent night's sleep last night. So far, i'm not incredibly tired, but it's only 11am so who knows!

I've had too many meetings this week. The only day that I didn't have a meeting was Monday. Thank goodness i'm off tomorrow; I don't think I could handle another meeting, or even an office day period. Stick a fork in me, i'm done!

thinnsidenotout on 04/03/2008:
Have a wonderful day! Get some omre rest tomorrow on the day off.....


mmuraro on 04/03/2008:
I need a day off too. hehehehe have a great night!


Beth201P on 04/03/2008:
I am glad you got a good night sleep it helps. Enjoy your day off and get a lot of rest. Have a good nite.



legcramps - Wednesday Apr 02, 2008

Weight: 147.0

We went for another walk with the dogs last night. Monday night didn't work out because we had a last minute birthday dinner to go to plus my aunt came in to visit from out of town so we had a bit of visiting to do. We didn't even get home until 10:30 that night! That's really late for me - way past my bedtime :). Anyhow, the walks i'm sure are helping, but my head is still in the clouds and I can tell that i'm not ready to do anything about it yet. I need to learn how to calm down and de-stress - maybe that way I would find the time required to do the things that are really important to me. The first step would be to tone down the coffee. I like me my coffee.

Tonight is another birthday dinner (I can't believe we have this many friends), then tomorrow i'm going over to a friend's place to get my legs waxed and to watch Survivor. Should be fun! (at least, part of it). I have Friday off so I think i'm going to head to the city because I desperately need work clothes that fit me! Everything I have except one pair of slacks are too SMALL on me! Now there's an eye-opener if I ever needed one! I can still wear the sweaters and long shirts, but I really need a few pairs of slacks to tide me over until I lose this weight. Or, I should say, until I find the motivation to lose this weight that i've put back on. Right now the bigger size is an absolute MUST get. Quite honestly, I can hardly fit my butt into anything anymore... it's really depressing.

Okay, enough...

My goal for April is 9 pounds. I am off to a great start by having walked yesterday. I can do this. I don't need ice cream, chips or soda. Or burgers, fries and ketchup. Or salt, popcorn and cheesies. Well, whatever.

thinnsidenotout on 04/02/2008:
Oh the ever so dreaded dundrem of giving up those (or at least keeping them to a "treat") ice creams, fries (my favorite of ALL TIME), soda (another favorite of mine), salt, burgers & cheesies..... Nope!...Don't NEED it, but sure tastes darn good doesn't it?..... You will get back on track.... 9 pounds is a great goal.....DO IT!


Beth201P on 04/02/2008:
Have a great nite. Hang in there it will get better.



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