- Friday Nov 14, 2008
Well, i'm really frustrated. Really. Discouraged and frustrated, and ready to pop! No, literally, my belly is so distended and bloated, if I stuck it with a pin i'd pop.
I need some things to change, namely the amount of stress my job and my boyfriend bring me. Yup, some attitudes need to change or i'm out. Done. Hoo-ha. Phooey.
I have felt crappy since my last journal entry, off and on ever since. I just can't seem to get it right, not the same way I could before. I don't know what has changed, but I just don't have the motivation. Or the incentive, courage, brains, power, strength, mobility, blah blah blah, that I had before. It's so discouraging!
I've gained more weight, but refuse to post it for fear that it will stare me in the face and will motivate me to no longer log on and journal. Since I don't want that to happen, we shall never know how much I weigh. Until I can once again say something like 150 pounds. Yup, trust me, not even close.
- Friday Oct 24, 2008
Breakfast - 1 whole grain bagel with light strawberry cream cheese spread
Morning - 2 cups coffee, 1 Pritouline twist (some kind of baked, crispy, sweet stick, like a cinammin stick)
Lunch - 1 & 1/2 cups rice with chicken breast
Afternoon - 1 Pritouline twist
Dinner - I had some soda crackers so far... possibly 1 serving salmon and 1 & 1/2 cups steamed veggies. The crackers were a must, i'm afraid... I was so hungry after work I was making myself sick.
Wow. Friday, thank goodness, although I have to say it was a short week. And it was a way better week than what i've had in the past few months. I got to talking with an old co-worker which was incredibly wonderful as we were good friends when we worked together. I don't have much to complain about today, other than I might be getting a cold!
Have a great weekend everyone - I get to go shopping on Monday! I decided to veto the car repairs. We have three vehicles between my boyfriend and I; I would think that I could find something else to drive next week while I wait for my paycheck to fix my car.
- Thursday Oct 23, 2008
Breakfast - 1 whole grain bagel with light strawberry cream cheese
Morning - 591 ml bottle Ginger Ale, apple crumble granola bar
Lunch - 1 & 1/2 cups rice
Afternoon - 5 strawberries, 1/2 cup grapes
Dinner - 1 serving salmon with 1 & 1/2 cups rice, 10 carrots with veggie dip
Tonight Survivor is on TV. My survivor pick got booted off at the beginning of the series, but i'm into the show now so i'm continuing to watch it. It's about the only TV I actually watch, unless you count sitting in front of the TV doing other things while it's on. Then I watch a helluva lotta TV. Anyways, i'm at work right now but heading home soon and very happy about that. My tooth hurts (or the spot where my tooth once was) and it's giving me a headache.
I work at a healthcare centre with a Catholic hospital and a Lutheran senior's home. This afternoon I attended an interdenominational service held at the Chapel. There was discussion on the Samaritan story and being a healing presence. Don't worry, i'm not going to provide a deep lecture into faith and religion. I'm just saying that it was nice to hear. I probably needed to hear it. I also agree that sometimes you need to go to a motivational speaker's presentation. Either way, sometimes you just need to be reminded that you're doing okay, and it's okay to have a hard day or two from time to time.
- Wednesday Oct 22, 2008
Breakfast - whole grain bagel with light strawberry cream cheese spread
Morning - coffee
Lunch - 1/2 cup grapes and 5 strawberries, 1/2 cup carrots with 1 tblspn veggie dip, 6 soda crackers
Afternoon - nada
Dinner - ate a late dinner consisting of cream of broccoli soup and jello pudding. I also snuck a piece of marble cake from my boyfriend's stash. He shouldn't leave these things in the house...
I had to get a tooth pulled yesterday afternoon, hence the not eating for eight hours. It was a wisdom tooth and it was a bugger to get rid of. I hurt, but then maybe i'm just complaining for the pure joy of complaining and the pain is just all in my mind. So I was starving last night, shaking uncontrollably, waiting for 9:00 p.m. to warm up some soup and scarf it down. The soup looked like snot, no kidding, but I ate it most willingly and was quite grateful because there was SOFT food in the house that I could eat. Otherwise I would have had to try to sleep on an empty stomach. I'm just not into that. This morning it took me four hours to eat breakfast, eating my bagel little piece by little piece.
My car won't start this morning and I had to bring my boyfriend's car to work. It sounds like I will have to get it towed and fixed. Wow, that's going to cost me some money. I was hoping to go shopping in the city on Monday, but I don't know how i'm going to make that happen now. I really needed some clothes. You know. Ones that fit.
Breakfast - whole grain bagel with light strawberry cream cheese spread
Morning - as above
Lunch - 1 piece marble cake, eaten on the sly
Afternoon - 1 apple crumble granola bar, 1/2 cup grapes, 5 strawberries
Dinner - 1 serving salmon and 1 & 1/2 cups steamed veggies
- Monday Oct 20, 2008
Not even my 'big' pants fit me properly now...
Breakfast: 1 whole grain bagel with 2 tblspns peanut butter spread
Morning: 1 cup coffee with sugar and cream, 1 apple crumble granola bar
Lunch: 1 & 1/2 cups oriental-style rice
Afternoon: 4 strawberries, 1/2 cup grapes, 2 Halls throat drops
Plan for Dinner: 1 serving salmon, 1 & 1/2 cups steamed veggies
Snack: 1 serving chips (I know i'll eat them because they're in the house - that's the only motivation I need)
I am taking meds because i'm having some trouble with my wisdom teeth, so it's been quite the week. I have a dentist's appt tomorrow though, so hopefully he will be able to minimize the pain a bit more, or not make it any worse anyways. Walking in the morning tomorrow and I STILL need to phone about getting a gym key. God i'm slow.
- Tuesday Oct 14, 2008
Canadian Thanksgiving was this weekend, and we were 'blessed' (that's sarcasm) with a feathery soft blanket of snow on Sunday. Then it melted a bit. Then snowed again on Monday. Then melted. I think it will all melt (I mean, I hope it will) by Friday; it's supposed to be just above zero all week, slowly getting warmer each day. So that's good. Without snow on the ground, I can keep my psycotic notion that it's still summer - even though i've already packed my summer clothes away.
A friend and I are walking on Tuesday and Thursday mornings for half an hour. It's working well so far because we don't call ahead to find out if we're walking or not - she just shows up on my doorstep and we walk. It's an expectation. Still nothing new regarding Weight Watchers - we'll see what the next month or two will bring.
- Wednesday Oct 08, 2008
Is it really October already?
I am failing at most aspects of my life right now, including diet and exercise. I was talking to a friend last week who mentioned she might be interested in attending Weight Watchers meetings if she had someone else to go with. So I told her that I would go with her. I really dislike being in social situations and having to put a fake smile on my face and play down all the bad things and be happy and joy-joy and all that, but I know that I need to do something different. I need a fresh start, without bricks weighing me down - my boyfriend, my family, my job, and my mental health.
Not that i'm intending on throwing the bricks away, no, no. They can always be re-used, unless they're crumbling (which I don't think is the case). Am I rambling?
- Friday Sep 26, 2008
OMG, is it really Friday already????
I got an e-mail from my brother yesterday, titled 'Memories of...2008'. Attached to the e-mail was a document that asked about twenty or so questions regarding what you'd done in the last year. One question was 'What was your favorite food for the year?'. This was my answer:
"I. like. bread. I will always like bread and bread products. Heck, hand me a big slab of raw dough and I�ll most definitely be about as happy as a pig in s**t. Oh, tacos too. It doesn�t matter if they�re round, triangle, multi-grain or seasoned with ketchup and gravy. No worries. I�ll eat �em."
Another question was 'What were some of the lowlights of the last year?' and I answered:
"Anxiety, job stress, frustration with people in general, and having to constantly fight depressive tendencies. All in the same sentence so that I don�t have to spend too much time thinking about what I just wrote."
I know all of my answeres were covered... no, SMOTHERED, in sarcasm and dry humour. I often tell people that when they joke about themselves they're in fact very self-conscious and tend to doubt themselves in those same areas they joke about. In all of my 'finding myself' entries that i've ever written here on diet diaries, this one is probably the most truthful in that I haven't really 'found myself' yet. I don't know if I ever will. Isn't that horribly sad?
- Tuesday Sep 23, 2008
Still nothing new on the job front. Still busy and can't stay for long. I feel guilty not getting on here long enough to comment, but I really can't help it, it's too busy!! I really think i'm over-extending myself and it's starting to catch up with me. Or, it's been catching up with me for the last two years and i'm finally realizing that I can't do everything I want to do. It sucks. Really. I'm getting old. boo. hoo.
I've had a rough go of it lately. My boyfriend is annoying and frustrating me and I wish almost everyday that he'd just find something to do that didn't involve me. And those wishes are coming true, so I have no one to blame but myself. It's a killer you know, staying at home while your boyfriend goes out all the time, whether it's work or play. I wish I could do that to him to show him how it feels, but I can't get myself to do that. I'm just not that kind of person. I mean, he chooses to do things that will involve other people. I know when i'm not wanted, but I wish he'd tell me i'm not wanted so that I can move on with my life, you know? Argh, not that I want to move on... forget it, i'm not making any sense. I'm not even going to re-read this paragraph, 'cause i'll end up deleting it all and then no one will know what's going on in my life!!
Okay, that's about all I wanted to say really. I hope you are all doing well and I hope that I will have time in the near future to comment on your diaries and let you know that i'm still around and I still care about how you're all doing.
- Thursday Sep 11, 2008
Again, another quick entry. I've received no word yet on the position I applied for, but am hoping as each day goes by that I will get an interview. I know I am capable of much more than what i'm doing, and I feel like i'm just going to waste! Yes, i'm a freakin' GENIUS people, so USE my brain!!! People tell me I have an ego, but I think they're just jealous. hahaha.
Anyways, i've been walking but haven't been able to control my eating and it's really starting to bother me. I don't know, but I can tell - the weight's staying on incredibly well. I need bootcamp. I need less stress. I need peace. and quiet. and a new job with no mess.
Out for now.