- Monday Jan 12, 2009
Oh my God. If this is what happens everytime I decide to own up to my mistakes and unhealthy habits, then I am going to live in a hut all by myself for the rest of my life. No, really. Really.
I confronted my boyfriend on Friday night and this weekend has been the worst in my life. Maybe. Close to the worst anyways. For the first hour of the conversation, we had both decided that this wasn't what we wanted and we didn't want to salvage it or make any effort to repair the destruction. We were happy (not really, but you know what I mean) to cut our losses and move on. We found that we had started to make plans to move apart even before having this conversation. It seemed like a cut and dry argument - there wasn't anything to fight over. Then the blood started leaking out of the cracks in the walls. Harsh words were spoken but truth prevailed and we both needed to hear it. Aha, we weren't ready to call it quits just yet. There were some major issues we needed to deal with, but could we make the effort to pull it together long enough to salvage what we'd spent five years destroying?
End result: we have some issues to deal with; issues that are huge and scary and i'm not sure if we can get through them. The fortunate thing is that we're both willing to try. If we can communicate with each other instead of wasting the others' time, we might actually have a shot. We'll see, and take it one day at a time, and accept that whatever we decide it will be the right decision for us - together or apart.
I went to the gym last night and did my treadmill workout. I need to start upping the number of minutes that I run - maybe next week i'll start on that. I had a terrible stress-related headache before going to the gym, but felt so much better afterwards.
I got groceries yesterday too, and picked up a lot of good foods - now I just have to cook and prepare them and I should be able to eat nothing but healthy foods this week! Today I had eggs and toast for breakfast, and brought strawberries and bananas to work to snack on this afternoon because that's usually when I get the most hungry! No excuses today!!
- Friday Jan 09, 2009
Not much new to report today... I haven't really done anything in the past two days that would be beneficial to my health. Just being honest :}
However, I am writing down what I eat and trying hard to keep drinking water and I think that's an honorable start, no?! We haven't been back to the gym for a few days, planning on going tonight and I think it is most likely to happen since my friend will not let us slide.
I watched 'Twilight' last night. Pretty good, I had already read the book so was a little disappointed as usual that the movie didn't turn out quite the same way as the book portrays its characters. Oh well, it was still a good movie.
Planning on watching Charmed with some friends this weekend. I bought the first season, another friend has the second and the final seasons, so we're going to start watching the first season and in the meantime look for the other seasons. We're Charmed lovers...
The homefront is not good these days. My boyfriend continues to disappoint me and now i'm starting to wonder if my expectations are set too high. It could be, but my main concern is that I am not happy and I need to do something about that. I'm trying to let him know, but he has avoided conversing with me for about three days now, so i'm not sure how i'm going to get his attention long enough to let him know that i'm having issues. My friend thinks that I come across as intimidating because I am too much of a logical thinker and I want answers right now and all that. But i'm tired of treating him gingerly so that his feelings don't get hurt. It just can't always be about what's best for him.
- Wednesday Jan 07, 2009
So yesterday was my curling night. You know, I really do suck at curling. I'm trying to find a polite and respectful way of telling my teammates that there is no possible way I am going to put myself through this next year. My biggest complaint to date is that I can't hear anything! I'm so horribly deaf out on the rink, everyone's voices gets inter-mingled and I can't pick out a conversation to save my life! If I hear sweep, I sweep, and then I realize afterwards that the voice I heard was three sheets over! Oy. Anyways, even without the hearing impairment, I still suck at curling. And. Really. Let's face it - I don't actually care all that much about getting any better, either. I just don't. But that's not polite and respectful, so i'll have to keep thinking about how to break it to my teammates.
I drank a litre of water yesterday. It's a good start and i'm hoping that eventually we can work ourselves up to three litres, but we'll see about that. I'm doing this with the same friend that has agreed to run with me in August. We're taking things slowly and i'm okay with that because i'm in no rush lately... literally... I was late to curling last night and late to work this morning because I couldn't get my lazy butt to move around the house fast enough... so it's okay that I don't have to work too hard to drink so much water. Yes, i'm okay with that. Yes, i'm babbling.
My period is not hurting as much as usual (knock on wood). I wonder if it's because I was taking Advil for about three days before I got my period... hmmn. It could be, because I don't know what else it could be. I'm still trying to find out about an alternative health centre so I can get a blood analysis done. I just want to feel normal for more than a few consecutive days! Too much to ask? Maybe.
- Tuesday Jan 06, 2009
I just erased a big, honking entry. Grrrr...
Well, let's re-iterate (although in not so quite a lengthy conversation):
Mother Nature has blessed me with my period and though i'm taking Advil, I can feel the pain trying to assassinate my body. I hope I can last through it, because I truly don't want to miss anymore work.
New Year's Eve was great. Went for supper with some friends and then back to our house and played Jenga for most of the rest of the night. It was a really lovely, relaxing time. I'm so glad we decided to not go to the bar, because I the next day I heard it was a jungle of people and I hate large crowds. Good times. Even the next day, Jan 1st, was a good day! You guys, i'm on a roll!
Since then i've had my ups and downs, normal everyday life for me. I started running again on the treadmill, though we are only starting out with three minutes of running to every half an hour of treadmill time. Plus I am making a chart to track my water intake and a few other things I can't think of right now because my brain just doesn't want to work. Anyways, the moral of the story is that i'm doing well in 2009 so far. I count my blessings while I can...
I have to get back to work now - talk soon!
- Tuesday Dec 30, 2008
Howdy! Happy Holidays!
I am still sick, but much better so I count my tiny blessings and am grateful for whatever brief reprieve I can get. Today I am sneezy and experiencing some head congestion, and am still coughing up lungs left and right. I am praying that I do not get sick again for New Year's, as I would love to start the new year off in a healthy, happy way! I remember that I was also this sick last year for New Year's Eve, and look where THAT got me!!
On the 22nd I went home from work at lunchtime, never to return for the rest of the week. I struggled through my boyfriend's family's christmas gathering that night, then rested until Wednesday night. On Wednesday night I found my voice again. Oh, wondrous voice, how I missed thee...
So, during Christmas, gifts were opened, food was eaten (perhaps slightly too much), family and friends were visited. It is all very blurry and grey for me. I don't remember any one thing, but I can remember in general how each day went - I was sick, people felt sorry for me, I was spoiled and attended to unnecessarily, I exhausted myself each time I spoke a sentance, I went home nearly falling over from sleep deprivation, I tossed and turned all night, and I spent a good chunk of my time reading and keeping to myself. BAH-HUMBUG!
Anyways, there isn't much more to tell about my holiday experience, really it was very dull and boring. We plan to go out with friends on New Year's Eve, so that may be a little more exciting to hear about.
I am making plans to get a blood analysis done in the new year. I will do almost anything to have this done. It's all I can think to do, since i've been sick so much. Even better, my period is coming due in about three more days and i'll probably be sick again. Joy.
On a happier note (am I going on random tangents in this entry? it sort of feels that way), I was given an art case for christmas that holds unimaginable opportunities - acrylic paint, pastels, pencils, blending instruments, brushes, etc. The opportunities are endless. Well, right now they're limited, actually, because the only thing I can paint are pictures of scenery. I love to sketch though, I love pencil crayons! I'm such a kindergartner!
- Monday Dec 22, 2008
Oh my Lord. It's amazing that I am still in such a good mood (and I say 'good mood' lightly because maybe others might think "really not such a good mood"). I am sick again. This time, I have a cold. Or Influenza, laryngitis, or bronchitis. One of those things. I'd been sneezing at work for a couple of weeks and all of a sudden developed a sore throat on Thursday morning. I became quite sick very quickly and went home from work, spending most of my day on the couch, groaning every time a sinus pain coursed behind my eyes. Claritin didn't work. Advil didn't work. Robitussin didn't work, and neither did NyQuil. The only thing that seemed to ease a bit was my sore throat - and that, of course was a sign that things were about to get much, much worse.
Friday I phoned in sick again because I could hardly breathe. It was so incredibly dry in the house that I pressured my boyfriend into buying a $200 humidifier. Five gallons of water and eight hours later, I was feeling slightly better and could lift my head off my pillow to talk.
Saturday, sick. I tried wrapping christmas presents because I knew I would accomplish nothing else. It took me over two hours, and it was a horrible nightmare. I really don't know how I got it done, but i'm really glad I don't have to open any of the gifts I wrapped - they might need scissors to get them open. I'm sure I was vocally moaning in pain the whole time. Good thing no one was around to hear me.
Sunday I was hoarse. My cold had travelled from my sinus to my chest, and I could barely speak a word. But at least the headache was gone! I managed to get up and move around, took a shower, did some baking, prepared for work the next day. This was the first night I attempted to sleep upstairs (heat rises, and the water index does not) and it was not a success. I woke up every hour, tossing and turning and praying to God I wouldn't have to wake up in this pain in the morning. Around 3:30 a.m., I grabbed my pillow and went back downstairs to the couch. Unfortunately, by this time the damage was done.
This morning I fooled myself, thought I felt okay, and got ready for work. I should've tested my voice but didn't. It was worse than Sunday, though I had no headache and only a stuffy nose to go with my hoarse throat. It got worse during the morning and eventually I had to admit defeat. I could barely talk, having to push my esophagus to its maximum level just to get out a couple of syllables. It felt like I was yelling all the time, except nothing was coming out!
When I finally decided to come home, I sat on the couch in front of the t.v. and could literally feel my sinuses start to congest all over again. That stupid headache is back and my head feels as if it weighs 50 pounds.
I tried to make an appointment with a doctor, but they're all booked up. So, either I live with it and call in sick again tomorrow (and most probably be sick during the holidays), or I head to the hospital's Emergency area and see a doctor there tonight.
I've been sick so much this year, my immune system is probably so weak by now that it's just letting in every single bug, virus, or bacteria it sees. "Yeah! Come on in! There's a party going on in here!"
- Tuesday Dec 16, 2008
I am not very pleased with my weight, nor am I with the measurements that i've been taking for the past four months. I've increased almost three inches in my hips since September. That's crazy! How??? Ok, forgettaboutit, let's just move on.
Life is still good, i've managed to continue my good mood even throughout pms and all that jazz. And that says a lot for me, 'cause i've had so many ups and downs in my moods lately that I don't even know which way is up anymore! So, there are a couple of things i'm doing and planning, to update you:
- I'm curling on Tuesday nights (about two hours)
- I go to the gym Sunday, Monday and Thursday night to walk on the treadmill - right now, only doing 30 minutes but I do plan to bump this up slightly in the new year or incorporate running into the 30 minutes.
- In February, I am registered for a yoga class on Wednesday nights (one hour)
That's about all I can handle right now, I think. I like having Friday and Saturday off, although it's seeming like there's always something to do, especially around the holiday time.
My cousin came to visit this past weekend and we went to the gym together. We both went on the treadmill to walk and then ended up running during the last ten minutes of our 30 minute walk. I sweated and it felt good! My knee hurts, but i'm hoping that will go away once it starts to get easier. Not that i'm planning on running again for a while. My body weight wouldn't support me in that decision, I don't think!
- Friday Nov 21, 2008
Had a good day yesterday, but I did eat a half cup of ice cream. I was going to put crumbled oreo cookies into it, but instead ate one cookie and put the rest away. Yowsa, it's a week of firsts!
I've been cooking every evening since we bought our new stove. I bet I haven't cooked a meal for us in months, it's crazy. I do realize now how therapeutic it is though, as well as baking. I lose myself in the concentration it takes to put things together and it's very gratifying work (at least, when it works out and there's someone around to tell you how good it is!). I have been in a better mood for about a week now, and I do believe it has a lot to do with getting this oven as well as being able to eat with my boyfriend instead of at different times of the night. Long time coming, I tell 'ya.
So Thursday my exercise was the 30 minute walk in the morning. I watched Survivor Gabon in the evening after dinner and went to bed early. I did not want to wake up this morning so slept in and had to scramble to get to work in time. I even gave myself heartburn trying to shovel (oh yes, literally shovel) cereal into my mouth, working against time!
I notice at work today that I am drinking too much coffee and not enough water. I'll try to balance that out this afternoon. I brought watermelon to snack on - it is very ripe and looks so wonderful that my mouth waters just thinking about eating it...
- Thursday Nov 20, 2008
I feel better today, I think perhaps my hormones are a little out of whack since I seem to be soooo verrrrryyy emotional these days. Months. At least for the last couple of years...
Anyhow, so far the week is progressing well. I had no exercise on Monday, but that's because we bought a new stove so I HAD to try out all the features and then my boyfriend's sister came for a visit. We watch Avatar every Monday night - she loves it and it's good quality family time. We get along really great even though she is 7 or 8 years younger than me. That should tell you a lot about my maturity level... lol
Tuesday morning I went for a 30 minute walk with a friend, then curled that night for 2 and 1/2 hours. I was still sore from the week before, and i'm pretty sure I pulled a muscle in my inner thigh, so i'll be suffering through that for a couple more weeks probably. We lost the game 12 to 5 I hate to lose.
Wednesday after work I spent about 20 minutes shovelling the driveway since we finally received the first snowfall that will undoubtedly end up sticking around until spring. My boyfriend was very surprised to see me out there shovelling, but did not mention how great it was to see me out there since i'd really been doing sweet nothings for the last few months.
This morning was another 30 minute walk with a friend. Omph my legs hurt and my knee is bruised, but I know it's worth it... i'm debating whether or not to consult a doctor in regards to my stomach and back issues since they've been cropping up again in the last few months. I really think it's stress but am unsure as to what I can do about it. Unfortunately, it is a HUGE factor in determining both work and play schedules, and that's starting to get on my nerves!
Also debating applying for a different position in town. I don't know if I should - i'm far too cautious and stressed to deal with this right now! Sometimes I wish I could take more risks. Imagine what we could do if we were guaranteed a happy ending!!
- Friday Nov 14, 2008
Well, i'm really frustrated. Really. Discouraged and frustrated, and ready to pop! No, literally, my belly is so distended and bloated, if I stuck it with a pin i'd pop.
I need some things to change, namely the amount of stress my job and my boyfriend bring me. Yup, some attitudes need to change or i'm out. Done. Hoo-ha. Phooey.
I have felt crappy since my last journal entry, off and on ever since. I just can't seem to get it right, not the same way I could before. I don't know what has changed, but I just don't have the motivation. Or the incentive, courage, brains, power, strength, mobility, blah blah blah, that I had before. It's so discouraging!
I've gained more weight, but refuse to post it for fear that it will stare me in the face and will motivate me to no longer log on and journal. Since I don't want that to happen, we shall never know how much I weigh. Until I can once again say something like 150 pounds. Yup, trust me, not even close.