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legcramps - Friday May 02, 2008

Weight: 147.0

I got sick on Wednesday morning and have been off work since then. My ribcage is very sore right now and i'm sort of... well, blah I guess. I was supposed to run today (Day 4 of program), but will have to wait until tomorrow or Saturday, depending on my strength. I did run on Tuesday night, did pretty well but I can tell i'm in terrible shape compared to last August and that's not saying a whole lot, lemme tell 'ya...

I'd been living off soda crackers and gingerale for the past couple of days, but tonight I managed to swallow a regular meal, although it wasn't the healthiest - a burger and fries. I'll take it over soda crackers though! I hope tomorrow i'll be in better spirits. I hate feeling so blah all the time and was trying pretty desperately hard to get out of it. I guess life hits you whether you're ready or not, huh?!

thinnsidenotout on 05/02/2008:

I was feeling blah yesterday too, but it was due to overdoing it with trail mix & spaghetti on Wednesday....

Did you happen to read biscotti's diary yesterday and how taking those 8 weeks of weight training "off", caused a reduction in ability to do the same now... 8 weeks is not all that long, but it sure did tell me that I needed to continue with walking or I too would feel like I have to start all over again...

Hang in there and hope you feel 100% better soon....

legcramps - Tuesday Apr 29, 2008

Weight: 147.0

Well, i'm an idiot and just erased everything I had written here, so chances are this isn't going to be a very exciting entry because I used up all my energy writing the other one!

I'm pretending that I have the motivation and incentive that I need in order to start running again. I faithfully receive Runner's World monthly and have been reading it in an effort to get back into the mood. It may have finally worked. Yesterday I printed out hundreds of pages of paper, dated them until close to the end of August when my 5k race is scheduled, and wrote out a running program. I also left enough room for walking the dogs, playing ball (which starts next week), and of course working. This is the master schedule to end all schedules, dude. It's COM...PLETE. Okay, not quite; I still need to pencil in study time. I am pumped.

My muscles are sore from ball practice on Sunday afternoon, then two consecutive walks on Sunday and Monday night. I think i'm on a roll, but i'm not going to push my luck.

1 grapple (grape/apple cross-breed), 1/4 cup blueberries, 1 Oatmeal to Go bar.

1 flavored coffee

1 cup chicken breast, 1/2 cup green beans

1 flavored coffee

1 grilled pork chop, 1 cup brown rice, 1 cup green beans

1 slice apple crisp with 1/2 cup ice cream

walk dogs, running program (Day 2), and I need to buy some bottled water today.

thinnsidenotout on 04/29/2008:
Here's to gettin' 'er done!.....

Much success is wished for you!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 04/29/2008:
grapples are ok. I've tried them too! It turns out I'm allergic to some apples, but eat them anyway. When i tried the grapple, I was even more allergic (my throat gets VERY itchy) so i've stayed away. I love how they smell!

those foods you've listed are healthy as can be! :)

maria777 on 04/29/2008:
Good on the PLAN!!! You know, I've always heard....Fail to plan...Plan to fail!

Big smile to you, Friend!

Beth201P on 04/29/2008:
High Five to you....Keep up the wonderful work. You can do it!!! ((hugs))

legcramps - Friday Apr 25, 2008

Weight: 147.0

I slept in this morning and although it felt good to be able to sleep that much, all I feel like doing now is sleeping. I managed to go for dinner with my boyfriend and some of his crew, picked up the mail and i've been going through it and paying whatever bills I can. The first coat of mud went on the walls of the bathroom last night, so two more and then I can paint. Hopefully one of those will be done tonight and the other in the morning tomorrow, but I guess time will tell if I will be able to paint this weekend or not. I hope so! I can't wait to see the sink in it's place and the finishing touches done! Right now, a friend drew a mirror on the wall where our medicine cabinet is supposed to go, and a picture of my boyfriend inside it, looking out at us and giggling. It's hilarious, but I can't wait to cover it up!

I would like to visit with friends this afternoon, but i'm not sure if anyone is at home. Maybe i'll just go back to sleep!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 04/25/2008:
some days sleep is just what a body needs! happy weekend!

thinnsidenotout on 04/25/2008:
Here's to a great weekend of mud/paint/cover=up......

: - )~

Beth201P on 04/26/2008:
Hey sometimes we need to hear what our bodies are telling us. Sometimes we need a lot of sleep. Have a good day and I hope you get your bathroom done soon. ((Hugs))

biscottibody59 on 04/28/2008:
Have a good week!

legcramps - Thursday Apr 24, 2008

Weight: 147.0

What a crazy day it's been. But, thankfully, it's over and i'm at home now and I have tomorrow and the rest of the weekend OFF!!! Well, I mean I don't have to be at work. Officially. The boys are working on the bathroom walls, so I might even be able to paint this weekend! Painting puts me in a good mood, maybe because i'm concentrating i'm able to relax a little bit. It's not terribly thought-provoking stuff, so I can make my mind go blank and just... paint. It's great.

I was in a meeting for most of the day today, which is usually alright (i'm out of the office, etc, etc) except that the meeting I was in was in the same building I work out of, so everytime I had a break or could leave the meeting I went directly to my desk to check messages and e-mails and such. And there were a ton of them today! I can't believe how many there were. Once I got out of the meeting with two hours left in the workday, I spent the whole two hours just catching up on messages! That's GOT to be the worst part about an office job - the communication is terrible and yet we communicate with each other almost constantly! So I was running around like a chicken with its head cut off for the last part of the day. I'm glad it's all over...

Coffee, coffee, coffee today. I know, it's not healthy.

crategrl on 04/24/2008:
i love long weekends! Enjoy your painting!

legcramps - Wednesday Apr 23, 2008

Weight: 147.0

It's been a much better week so far, being out of the office so much in meetings I haven't really had to deal with the 'office politics' much. I'm grateful for any opportunity to be out of the office these days. I have taken Friday off, and next week am hoping for both Friday and the following Monday for an extra long weekend. I'm going to start using my holiday time (in the past i've felt too guilty about taking that much time off) because I really feel stressed and I need to find a way to calm down and be able to relax in my time off, instead of stressing about going back to work. Someday...

The tub and toilet are installed and in working condition in our bathroom!! It has been wonderful to be able to use the 'facilities' for the past couple of days!

1 whole wheat english muffin with peanut butter spread

2 cups flavored coffee

thinnsidenotout on 04/23/2008:
Yea!...for working plumbing!......and for you deciding to take "YOUR" time...

Have a wonderful Wednesday!

shadetree on 04/23/2008:
Yay for not having to use a bucket!:)

Take the time - that's what it's for! I have the same bad habit of not using them...AT any given time I can have upwards of 10 weeks of PTO accumulated! Crazy! (and even worse is we can cash in every so often, so I end up more often than not cashing in rather than taking the time off...Not good!)Use the time!

legcramps - Monday Apr 21, 2008

Weight: 147.0

My boyfriend and I went out for dinner last night (surprise) with two friends of ours who are helping out with our bathroom renos. The girl is a writer, which both stimulates my curiosity and gets those envious veins flowing. Anyhow, a few years ago she went into business on her own in counselling and facilitating seminars. They are finally both on their feet and doing well after many years of struggle and compromise. I am proud of her for her achievements. She mentioned that this year she wants to build a special place for herself in the backyard of her office building, so that she will have a quiet place to write. I'm sure my face turned blue... or, I guess green, with envy. Or red. I'm not sure how I felt at that moment, if I was jealous, happy, angry, sad or proud. Later that night as I was sitting outside in my own backyard, I wondered to myself if it was going to take as much struggle and disappointment for me as well, to get to the point she is at now. And then I wondered if it was worth it. And then I wondered if I really had that much strength, to get through it all. And I probably do, but i'm not sure I really want to. Does that mean that i'm not determined enough, or does that mean that I need to re-vamp my objectives in life and maybe come up with something that is a little more manageable? Or should I stop asking all these stupid questions all the time and just DO something about it?

1 whole wheat english muffin with peanut butter spread

1 cup mocha

1/2 baked chicken breast

1/2 baked potatoe with butter

1 cup flavored coffee

Meetings all week, but i'm off on Friday so that's good. I was supposed to make a zillion appointments for myself for Friday (hair cut and color, optometrist, massage) but I haven't yet. My odds of getting in now are not good. Maybe i'll just sleep all day on Friday. I already feel like I could.

Beth201P on 04/21/2008:
Hey we all have envy sometime in our lives. I know I sure have. You can do anything you put your mind to doing. We all can. We just have to believe in ourselves. I know you can do it. Yes there will be hard times and struggles, but that is life. We can't have things fall into place all the time. RIGHT!! I wish we could. However, with our family and friends there to support us, we will reach the end. Have a wonderful week. Everyday you tell yourself....YES I CAN!!!! (((Hugs)))

horn_of_plenty on 04/22/2008:
I agree with Beth - we all tend to demonstrate emotions of envy at some point in our lives. It must be human nature.

However, I say try your best NOT to compare yourself to her. I know I have done this COUNTLESS times and when I do, nothing comes of it. If anything, it tears me away from friends that I could have shared much more memories with. That massage, whenever you do get it, sounds great!

hollybelle on 04/22/2008:
Many times working on something part-time can lead to full-time - is your goal something you can begin on a part-time basis and work into full-time? I saw a quote once that went something like - A journey of a lifetime begins with but one step......I kind of liked that......Another "good one" is "He who sows bountifully will also reap bountifully" 2 Cor 9:6. I believe you began to "sow" a seed when you began to "envy" your friends current position. You may be a little uncomfortable with your envious feelings, perhaps believing them to be "wrong", but consider this: God can use ANYTHING for GOOD. I believe this and I believe this applies to EVERYTHING-even things which WE (in our human nature)may consider to be negative. Take a step toward your goal and see where it leads! Who knows......

mmuraro on 04/22/2008:
Hey dear, i know what you mean. I think it's cool to use those feelings you had about your friend to both your benefits. You can use her as motivation and inspiration to follow your own heart's wishes and also maybe chat with her about it, as I am sure she'll be flattered and would be good source of advice to you. However, people have different paths. To some, some things take struggle and others don't. I never had to struggle with my career much, it all came naturally and i knew how to take advantage of my chances too, now with relationships I struggle a lot. In the end, we're all somewhat in the same boat. Just use your friend's determination to rub into you too. Whatever it is you put your mind into, you're capable of doing it! xoxox

legcramps - Monday Apr 21, 2008

Weight: 0.0

legcramps - Sunday Apr 20, 2008

Weight: 147.0

We've been eating out so much the past couple of days that I can't even remember that i've been trying to eat healthy. Since when?!! Anyways, at the very least I am taking home parts of most meals so that should make a difference, though probably not the difference I was hoping for. This bathroom thing is still jumbling up my mind. I don't know why I can't just focus on something else, but the bathroom not being finished yet is really nagging at me! Although I have nothing to do with it and can't control when it gets done, I really, REALLY want it to be done already! Not only that, but then when it finally comes time for dinner there just isn't any energy left to make something healthy, and besides, I don't have any water to cook with anyways!! Last night we didn't eat until 9:30pm!! I hate that it was so late but there was no way I was gonna just watch my boyfriend eat while I had nothing at all.


2 slices whole wheat soy bread with peanut butter spread

1 bottle gingerale

1/2 grilled turkey sandwich on whole wheat (with red peppers; very good!)

1 cup salad with 2 tblspns ranch dressing

2 cups coffee with cream and sugar

2 slices whole wheat soy bread with peanut butter spread (while I was waiting for them to finish up so we could eat)

1 Oatmeal To Go bar (still while waiting)

1 cup salad with croutons

1/2 cup grilled chicken breast

3 tblspns ceasar dressing

1 slice garlic bread


Sunday brunch (I picked out healthy foods, but a lot of them. My dish consisted of at least 5 different foods, and i'm just too lazy to mention them all here)

2 cups coffee with cream and sugar

1 cup mocha

1/2 grilled turkey sandwich on whole wheat (with red pepper)

2 packages of those soup crackers (4 crackers in total)

2 slices whole wheat soy bread with peanut butter spread (again while waiting for those boys to finish up so we can eat already!)

I'm so hungry. I'm trying to think of other things to do so that I don't dig into the bread bag again. I'm very proud of myself for not taking any Advil yesterday or today so far. I have a tendency towards addictive substances like Tylenol and Advil, and coffee, etc etc etc!! I go hard for a while and then try to wean myself off. Stupid yo-yo affect in my life, not only in my diet but everywhere else as well!

I bought some powder-based formula today to help with well-being and prevention of illness. I tried a cup a little while ago, with pure water. It was disgusting, but i'm going to keep taking it (sans water, maybe will try juice instead). I also saw some vitamins with Omega-3, advertising for mood disorders. I was going to buy it and give it a try, but it was over $30 and i'm cheap like that. If I can't get myself into a better frame of mind with exercise and healthy eating, then maybe i'll consider paying that kind of money. Until then, no way.

hollybelle on 04/21/2008:
Hey there. It sounds like it's time to get off by yourself for awhile - take a walk, or sit quietly and ask God for peace. It's so easy to take on the weight of the world. I am SO good at that, myself. I hope you can slow down a mite, take a deep breath and redirect your energy soon. Keep posting. We're here for you. I've been gone awhile, but expect to be back now most days. May your path today be directed by your Creator/Heavenly Father, the one upon whom you can cast ALL your CARES!

Beth201P on 04/21/2008:
Hang in there. ((Hugs))

legcramps - Friday Apr 18, 2008

Weight: 147.0

I don't know if I mentioned this yet, but thank you so much for leaving comments on my entries! I think right now you're the only people pulling me through this period of time; if I didn't have dietdiaries right now I would be so much more depressed. So thanks!

I still haven't talked to my boyfriend - I guess we're on a talk-freeze right now, since I was too angry to speak with him the other day and now he's probably just getting back at me. I'm so tired of all this! When is it time to grow up? We're in so much turmoil right now; with the bathroom in shambles it's slowly seeping out into the rest of the house and I just can't handle any sort of disarray!! I know that i'm depressed right now and i'm trying to get myself out of this mood. I think that I feel people's reactions and emotions just as intensely as they themselves do, this is why everything bothers me so much. I wish I could go to a workshop or something on controlling my emotions and get over this attitude problem once and for all. I've been looking into it, but it would be a huge step for me because of what people would think of me. I live in such a small town. Small towns often equal ways of thinking that are only traditional, never about emotions and spirituality. The issue with me is that I still don't think i'm getting *it*. Is it common for a person to know that he/she is not *getting* it and yet be powerless to do something about it because he/she is ignorant of how to go about it????

I forgot to re-load my Advil bottle, so none for today. I think i'm gonna have a headache.

2 slices whole wheat soy bread with peanut butter spread

1 cup flavored coffee

1 cup regular black coffee

thinnsidenotout on 04/18/2008:
I finally talked with my physician.... I did not want to, but it got to the point where I HAD to for mine & my families sake...Depression is looked at differently now, than it was say 10 years ago.... about like everything else, it is more spoken about and not "hush hush"...and go on suffering, cause you were expected to.... I took anti-depressants for a year and a half,before trying to see how I felt again on my own.. I have been 2 years without them and am fine...Just was a time in my life I was going through and needed that help... I took Wellbutrin XL 75mg (an older, not newer drug)

LIfe circumstances can make one feel so bogged down and you take on the emotions of everybody/everything around you as your personal burden to bare..That should not be the case...but I totally understand it...I was that way too....Had to finally just say "o.k. ,enough is enough and I HAVE TO DO WHAT IS right for me in the decisions I make FOR me." Do those other people take into consideration how I feel...Apparently not, so that tells you where their loyalty and self-absorption lies... The gossip and he say/she say negativity, bears upon your mood, just as much as a smile is contagious...

Try to have a break-through in the "silent treatment" and you will feel better...

Beth201P on 04/18/2008:
Hang in there girlfriend. I know how you are feeling. I have had depression myself where my dr put me on meds. So I know just how you feel. I will keep you and your boyfriend in my prayers that you guys find away to talk to each other. It is hard in a relationship. (((Hugs))) Hang in there and remember we are all here for you.

legcramps - Thursday Apr 17, 2008

Weight: 147.0

Everything I touched turned into poop yesterday, I should really have just begged off and crawled into bed to sleep it off! Hollybelle, you're right - I need to let people be how they will be and learn to accept it for what it is... when they're gosspiping, i'm not actually in the conversation but I can hear them and who they're talking about. I'm not eavesdropping either - they totally should know that their voices carry, i've told them before. Anyways, THOSE are the conversations I don't want to hear anymore. I don't know what else I can do to make it stop - I can't get through those thick skulls...

Anyways, I went for dinner yesterday and my LEAST favorite food was on the menu. I pushed down all the chinese food I could but I sure didn't enjoy that meal, and I just didn't have the time or momentum to pick something different up for myself. My boyfriend also didn't show up for dinner - he was still working. So I heard all about him not showing up for dinner from grandma and my mother. We went to grandma's afterwards for cake and ice cream and basically my mother and I just sat at the kitchen table listening to grandma talk on the phone with all her children and relatives who phoned for her birthday - about an hour and a half later I just decided I was too tired to just sit there and I went home. My boyfriend called during that time and said he wasn't going to join me so that pissed me off too. I make every effort to join him when his family is celebrating something, but because there are no other adults his age he thinks it's too boring to join me when I celebrate with my family. He's half right about it being boring, but it doesn't mean you can't still show some respect to grandma and to ME. I know I sound incredibly whiney and inconsiderate and selfish right now, but it's how I feel! I'm not actually going to vocalize any of these feelings, but I think writing them down will help me get over it faster. When I finally got home, he wasn't there. He showed up about half an hour later, and I went to sit downstairs in the living room to chat with him because I hadn't really sat down and chatted with him for a couple of days, and he decided he was going to take the dogs for a walk. HE decided HE was going. Not ME, or US. I just about lost it, I swear! When they all left and I was all on my own (yes, feel sorry for me) I turned off all the lights, had a little cry and fell asleep soon after. I don't feel any better today. I want to take a car (like a big Truck or something), lift it high and drop it on a building or something. This is how much anger I have boiling inside!!

The thought came to me yesterday, speaking of boiling things. I've been like a pot of water on the stove, simmering for the last couple of years, then slowly reaching a boiling point, and now i'm boiling over... watch out world, now i'm BURNING everything I touch!!

1 whole wheat bagel with peanut butter spread

1 bottle gingerale

1 Advil so far, but I think another one's about to be popped into my mouth

1/4 cup macaroni salad

1/4 cup whole grain rice

1/4 cup chicken breast

1 cup flavored coffee

2 pieces watermelon

6 slices whole wheat soy bread with peanut butter spread (well, I knew it was only a matter of time...)

thinnsidenotout on 04/17/2008:
RE: Structured Eating....HA! HA!... I write what I ate the day before, not what I AM going to eat....... When I get up in the mornings I have no idea what I'm going to eat for the day, just know what I have to choose from and go from there.... I wish I could plan a menu for the day, but I just don't work that way...My taste buds always want something different than what I planned, so I tossed that out the window long ago...

Sounds like you are very frustrated with MANY things right now... SORRY!... I know how that feels...It is hard to know how to go about turning all those icky feelings to positive energy, but at least try for a little bit and you may feel a tad better....

Hope your evening can become pleasurable..... Check on ya tomorrow!

mskitty on 04/17/2008:
(in response to what you wrote on my journal)

Yeah I totally know what you mean... and the TV and the tabloids usually give a narrow minded review that is usually full of bias opinions about the religion Scientology... I would just like someone to hand me the information without all the propaganda so that I can make an intelligent decision about it on my own...so far its "creepy" to me too.

hmmm a lot of anger over here huh... All I can say about anger is that the more you shovel out the more you'll get piled back onto you from other people. Anger as appealing of an emotion as it can be in the end is a useless response to anything. Being positive or negative are habits of thoughts that have a very strong influence on ones life.

Anyone can become angry. That is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose and in the right way... that is not easy.

15:1 A soft answer turns away wrath, But a harsh word stirs up anger. -- Proverbs, 15:1.

Anger really doesn't serve you.... it makes you unhappy, think negative thoughts... makes people start to dislike you... and sometimes can lead to fatal responses. You should take a week challenge with yourself and cut all anger out of your thoughts and replace them with things that make you feel good. If something unhappy happens to you... stop yourself from spiraling into a continues negative thought pattern and try to think about the good points of the situation despite the unhappiness it brought you... learn from those experiences. Happiness is within you. When you stop the chatter of the mind and expel your worries and fears you find out that happiness surfaces from within you.

Take 100% responsibility for your own life...Your attitude decides whether you are happy or not. You can change your attitude

Beth201P on 04/17/2008:
I am so sorry you are having a hard time. I know it is so hard when people around you don't do what you know is the right thing. He should have gone to your grandma's house. We sometimes have to do something that we don't like for the other person in a relationship. He needs to learn that. Some people just don't think. I hope the rest of the week gets better. Hang in there at work. If asking them to stop nicely did not work, maybe you should go to a manager or higher. I worked in a office and what they are doing is taking away from what they should be doing. I know it is harder to do that when you are the person it's happening to. I just wanted to share my ideas with you. ((hugs))

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