- Tuesday Mar 04, 2008
Thanks so much for all of your comments yesterday ladies, I really appreciate your concern and support. Although some of your entries terrified me, I realize that you're only educating me on the worst-case scenarios. I don't have a lot to say today, my doctor's appointment is at 4:30 and until then i'll be in limbo. Honestly, if he doesn't have an explanation for me, i'm going to whoop some serious doctor butt...
I feel depressed today, but I think maybe i'm just playing the poor me card. There isn't anything to be depressed about. I'm okay. I'm just scared: scared that it will be something serious, and scared that i'm just a sac of wimp and nothing's wrong with me at all.
Rating for Monday: 6/10 - I did the dishes yesterday, that's an improvement.
- Monday Mar 03, 2008
That "something bad" that I was dreading was going to happen last week happened on Friday night. I developed severe chest pains which at first I thought was just a really bad case of heartburn. And, in theory, I was right. The more I tried to let it pass, the worse it got. Finally, the pain was so terrible that it was making me physically sick and i'm sure I vomited the entire three meals I had eaten that day. I called a friend who came over with tums and flat 7-Up. They didn't work and around the same time my right arm lost some strength and the fingers in my right hand started tingling and going numb. After panicking and then ruling out a heart attack, my Dad and the friend who had come over decided it was in my best interest to force me to the hospital.
In conclusion, it was probably a gall bladder attack. But it sure felt like a heart attack. Wake up, legcramps. Wake up. I don't know why it happened - when I researched online I found that it normally occurs in Native Americans or Mexican Americans. I am neither. It occurs in overweight people. This is why i'm posting my weight today - I am not overweight for my height (5'6"), though I am pushing it a bit. I've been eating regular meals for a long time, nothing out of the ordinary. It's weird. I wonder if I brought something back with me from Mexico.
I'll find out more tomorrow when I see the doc about the test results - bloodwork and a chest x-ray. Chances are, he'll say i'm fine. If I ever go through that pain again, i'm going to go to his house and wrap my hands around his neck. Although, that probably won't hurt him because my right hand will have lost all its strength...
Taking it easy, going to read your entries and get through the workday today. Tonight I need to review my homework. No exercise :( March is starting off just great.
Rating for Friday: 2/10
Rating for Saturday: 5/10 (at least I moved around a bit and ate well because I was too scared to not eat well)
Rating for Sunday: 4/10 (my laziness caught up with me)
- Thursday Feb 28, 2008
Another good day yesterday (I swear, something bad has GOT to happen sooner or later) and came in under 1200 cals. I forgot to rate my day for Tuesday, so i'm giving it an 8/10 - it would have been a 9 if I had gone to the gym. Coulda Shoulda Woulda. Whatever.
So my friend called me last night about a half hour before we *usually* go to the gym. I say *usually* because we haven't been going very consistently lately. Anyhow, so she calls me and says that she's decided to go for coffee with a friend instead of going to the gym. She's walked to and from work that day and she feels that she's gotten her exercise in for the day, but she wanted to call me and let me know and also see if I wanted to go to the gym tonight instead. I was a little miffed, so was very abrupt with her and used my boyfriend's brother being at the house as my excuse to get off the phone, telling her i'd call her back tonight.
I didn't really appreciate the fact that I *thought* we had made plans and she so easily was able to change them to go out with another friend. I suppose I shouldn't be so jealous, but that's how I feel. Oh well, I need to let it go, and I can't let that get in the way of exercising.
I studied again last night for three hours and finally completed all the papers I needed to do! Yeehaw!! I'm so relieved. I sent some of them yesterday and the rest this morning. I hope they will still accept them - should I phone and find out for sure? I have a little left to go over tonight and tomorrow, but now I can set aside an hour or so each day to review the material before the seminar. I am quite happy and feel very accomplished today... :)
Rating for yesterday - 9/10 :)
- Wednesday Feb 27, 2008
Yikes, I made it another day and again am under 1200 calories. I wasn't even trying yesterday to get those cals, but it just sort of happened that way. I'll take it, though, don't get me wrong! I was hungry again in the morning, towards lunchtime, and then again late afternoon before heading home after work. But it wasn't as bad yesterday as compared with Monday. I cut down a bit on breakfast (don't worry, I still eat a lot for breakfast!) and upped my dinner slightly because I find it hard to stop eating after dinner because i'm still *empty*. Yesterday I studied for three hours though, so that helped to not think about eating, and I ate my bowl of fruit after dinner which also helped to fill me up.
I woke up incredibly tired this morning. I had a rough night, wasn't able to fall asleep right away and so just layed awake for a long time, then I woke up a couple of times during the night. I made myself some decaf coffee and i'm thinking this might be the reason????? I don't know, there were a zillion things going through my head as well and the lack of sleep could have been because of that. Anyways, even washing my face with ice cold water this morning didn't help to wake me up. I'm still a little groggy and it's already 10:30am!! My boyfriend's sister came over to visit last night just as I was finishing my courses for the night - good timing, otherwise I may have been frustrated with the interruption! She wanted someone to go to the movie with her - P.S. I Love You was playing in the theatre in town and she really wanted to see it. She ended up going on her own because no one else wanted to - I was so pathetically tired by then that I could barely even keep the conversation going...
Because of all the great things I got accomplished yesterday, I opted out of exercising. I'm okay with it - I feel accomplished and it's okay if I *miss* this workout. Maybe I can make up for it, but i'm not going to let it rip me apart. I hope to make it to the gym tonight and get on that treadmill again to do my running, but I still have a lot of studying to do. I still don't have the papers that are due today completed, so I need to find a way to get them faxed in tonight. Urgh, drama.
- Tuesday Feb 26, 2008
So THAT's what it feels like to be on a 1200 calorie diet. Yesterday certainly didn't win me over and I find it hard to think I could be manipulated into thinking that something like what I went through yesterday is FUN.
I was hungry all day, all the time. I ate a good breakfast in the morning, my lunch consisted of well-balanced leftovers from the night before, and dinner was much of the same only my dog got to half of it before I could. Okay, he got to the bread and left the beans alone. You cannot imagine how upset I was that he had eaten my bread! The wrath of God came down upon him, i'm serious. You just don't take my bread, man. Especially since this particular bread was one of my favorites - Naan. I was left with a simple morsel of bread that I tried to place on the top of my mouth to make it melt so that I could savor each tiny little crumb that went down my throat. It had little effect and left me feeling extremely frustrated. In the end, I over-compensated by eating a few pieces of regular whole wheat bread with margarine, emotional eater that I am. Even though I had an unsuccessful dinner, I still made out alright with under 1200 calories yesterday. Amazing.
I studied last night for 2 hours and realized how overwhelming this whole process is going to be until the day of my seminar, March 12. Unfortunately, some of my paperwork has to be sent in by Wednesday and i'm not even close to completing it. Thankfully it can be faxed in so i'm hoping that Thursday morning i'll have some kind of progress made and can fax in what i've done so far. Wednesday, Thursday.... what's the difference?!! It's not that structured of a course, so hopefully they will allow the one day late papers. After studying, I managed to pick my butt up off the couch and head to the gym, where I jogged 15 minutes and walked 15 minutes, alternating between the two. Then I went on the recumbant bike. Total time at the gym was 1 hour. Fell into bed soon after.
Monday - completed; i'd give myself a 8/10. Perhaps with a little more effort, it could have been a 9.
- Monday Feb 25, 2008
Oh my God, i'm STILL HUNGRY! :(
I'M HUNGRY! :(
I picked up groceries this weekend and am set for the rest of the week - there is no reason why I should not have any problems getting back into the dieting thing. I don't eat only fruit during the day, but I do try to limit everything else. I didn't think about sugar levels, HoP, i'll have to watch what i'm doing because that could get quite serious. Thanks for the heads up.
I had eggs and toast this morning for breakfast. It was a large breakfast, but I woke up starving and it's because I skipped dinner yesterday. No, not on purpose. I was cleaning the house and called a friend to see if she wanted to visit later on last night and by the time I finished cleaning, she was already at the front door. Yes, I know I could still have eaten something, but I didn't. Let's move on.
There are plenty of leftovers to choose from for lunch today, good eats like brown rice, green beans and either chicken or beef steak. Plenty of choices for dinner as well, so I definitely won't go starving and I definitely will stick to healthy foods. Tonight a friend is forcing me to the gym (thank goodness) for an hour or so. Will continue with my treadmill training there.
I'm hoping this week will instill in me the willpower I need to get through the next month. My boyfriend is still away from home, working hard. It's getting more difficult to get through the days without having him there to not only help out but just be there, for whatever. But enough about that, i'm going to go and read your entries now. Have a great day everyone!
- Friday Feb 22, 2008
Getting back into the groove of things is sure hard! Winter isn't helping any either, although it's starting to feel a bit warmer than it has been, which is really nice. So I sent a message to my Tai Chi and kickboxing instructor yesterday, explaining that I wouldn't be returning to classes until the start of March. I told him that I needed time to work on my classes, which is reasonably correct. On the other hand, I really just didn't want to be there. Clicking the send button was difficult, but I did it and I feel a little better about explaining my absence to him instead of having him wonder where I am all the time.
I did well yesterday, but the batch of chocolate chip cookies I made on Sunday is dwindling and it's all because I keep sneaking one every time I walk past the cookie jar. Why i'm *sneaking* them is beyond me - there's only the dogs there to see me do it. Other than that though, i've been trying to stick to fruits during the day and meat and rice with vegetables for dinner. Slowly I will get back to the place I was before leaving on holidays (which to be honest with you wasn't exactly the best place to be, but it was better than where I am now!). One day I will post my weight here again. One day when i'm feeling like succeeding instead of just scraping by. I must remember that I like to deliberately fail at things - misery loves company and all that. Maybe a new year's resolution should have been to work on sticking things out. Did I even make any resolutions this year?
Tonight I plan on studying. This weekend i'm *hoping* to get outside with the dogs and go to the gym to re-start my running routine in order to do a 5k run i'm going to enter again in August.
*I wonder if anyone here is entering any runs this year, or maybe, like, half-marathons and things of that nature* (perhaps this is an inside joke that not even the inside person will get... I was never good at wording my sentences properly)
- Thursday Feb 21, 2008
I've been pretty down on myself lately and i've made the decision to not go back to Tai Chi or kickboxing until March. I don't know if this decision was made out of laziness or if it is actually explainable, but right now I don't care. I just don't want to go. I really need to devote myself to getting in some study time with my management courses, otherwise I can pretty much kiss a good grade goodbye. I only have a few weeks left until the first seminar, and I have a TON of work to do. I'll never understand why I always leave everything to the last minute and then stress out until it's half-a$$ed done and wonder why I do so poorly.
ANYHOW, holy I can sure complain! I think i'm going to take your advice and map out a plan for the remainder of February, except I need to remember to leave leg-room here and there so that I don't go crazy from too much structure!
Things to consider: gym time, work, dogs, family and friends, study course, writing, leg-room.
When you take away Tai Chi and Kickboxing, it almost looks do-able. I must be forgetting something...
Total exercise for February is i'm not going to tell you. You win, HoP! But in March it may be a different story!!! :)
Thanks for all the comments and advice - I think the moral of the story here is that I need to quit enabling myself to fail and really start trying instead of thinking everything will just fall into my lap.
- Saturday Feb 16, 2008
Today i'm sick, and I know I always used to only venture on to this board and leave a message when I was sick, but it's not like that anymore, really!!!! I can't believe this week is already over and it's time to start thinking about going back to work on Tuesday. Ugh, i'm not looking forward to it, but I really like the money. What can you do? I have a problem, and maybe you can help:
I work Monday to Friday during the day and take exercise classes on Tuesday and Thursday nights. On Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays i've designated an hour's time to my management courses. This probably isn't enough time, so i'll have to up it to two hours and eventually get it to about eight hours a week. I clean, do laundry and visit friends and relatives on the weekends (this is where quality time with my puppies also comes into play). I really love to write, but i'm having so much trouble 'getting into it'. I also love to paint and draw, but I just don't have the time. My question is: How can I balance everything so that i'm not just doing the things I NEED to do, but also the things i'd like to do???? I really don't feel balanced and though it may not be a life-threatening thing, it matters to me, you know? I'd love to devote myself to art and creative writing, but money always gets in the way. How can I feel better about this?
Tai Chi and Kickboxing are definitely fun classes, don't get me wrong, but sometimes it feels more like a chore than a fun thing to do with friends. I know i'm supposed to suck it up, and I DO suck it up, but i'd really like to know when this business of loving life is supposed to start happening, 'cause i'm not there yet. And i'm getting older every day.
Total exercise for February - 3 hours. Yee. Haw. I think I made this same comment in January. Now i'm not only unfulfilled in life, but i'm also repeating myself as if I was drunk.
- Tuesday Feb 12, 2008
I made chicken fried rice yesterday for dinner and hit up my grandma's place for lunch - chicken, veggies and pie!! Oh well. Today I made eggs for lunch and croissants in the oven. Unfortunately, I ate about three too many. When you're on an all-inclusive holiday, all you have to do is walk down to the buffet tables and choose what you want. There is no cooking involved (heaven for me). Surprisingly, I didn't eat as much as I do at home. Now that i'm back, i'm finding myself slipping into the same routines of eating great amounts and then feeling guilty about it later.
I was in a bit of a mood yesterday, sad about being at home and wishing I was still in Mexico. I guess everyone goes through that, and i'll get over it sooner or later. Someone asked me if I was going to be the 'type' that goes on an all-inclusive vacation every year and I really had to sit and think about it. It was great, but i'm more of an 'experience it' type of person and all-inclusive is quite limiting in that regard, although you still could if you wanted to, it would just cost more. I have to say that I loved the feeling of security you get at a four star hotel - i'm a chicken when it comes to venturing out into unknown territory but I love the high you get when you've pushed through that fear. So, i'm still up on the wall about all-inclusives. If I go to Mexico (Puerto Vallarta) again, I don't know that i'll do the all-inclusive again. You never know though...
I'm taking the dogs out to the farm for a run this afternoon. Tonight is Tai Chi and kickboxing. Wow, it'll be a kick in the butt to get back into this thing called exercise!
Total hours for February - zero; Goal - 25 hours