- Wednesday Oct 21, 2009
The days are starting to move along a little more quickly now. I would normally say this sucks as it means winter comes quickly and summer fades just as fast. But i'm glad for the quick-flying time since I am needing to re-fuel my mind and spirit and get over all the things that have occured in my life this year.
It is time to cut myself off from those people who do not offer any benefit in my life. I know I might be a bit selfish in saying so, but I have hung on this past month for some type of string that I thought perhaps they would throw at me. And I would have gladly accepted, however thin that piece of string was. With the grief my family and I have been faced with I could have used all of the support systems I could get my hands on. I was not a thought in their mind, however. And as selfish as this may be, I am done. Done being trampled over and stepped on and punched repeatedly when i've done nothing wrong. Done feeling grief over breaking up with someone who was never really part of my life to begin with. Yes, I am done.
I've had three litres of water every day for the last eight days, except for Saturday. Saturday was a busy day and however much I wanted to get that water in, it just couldn't happen.
I've taken the dog for a walk every day for the last eight days, for at least half an hour, sometimes more.
I've prepared my house for winter.
I've scratched off more to-do's and to-buy's for my house.
I am ready to move forward. This game is on!
- Thursday Oct 15, 2009
I took the dog for another walk yesterday after work. Goodness, it's getting cold outside. I'll need to wear long underwear if i'm going again today. After that I made myself something to eat - beef sandwich and some triscuit crackers. I drank so much water yesterday, not sure what came over me but it's okay, i'll take it!
I stopped in at Grandma's last night to pick up some cold cuts of meat that she wasn't going to eat, visited with her for a bit (I can tell her thoughts are still not quite in order. I imagine this will take some time) then headed back home. A friend came over to visit last night as well, which was great as by the time she left it was time for bed so there wasn't much time to sit and feel sorry for myself! I do that far too often these days...
Today: mocha, veggies and dip, thinsations snack, carrot cake with icing (oops, those darn co-workers!), and... dinner. something for dinner.
Exercise: walk dog at least half an hour.
I need to put plastic over the windows in the house tonight to keep more of the cold out. This, due to my clumsy nature, will probably be an all-night task.
- Wednesday Oct 14, 2009
I took my dog for a walk yesterday after work. I picked up my two young cousins and we walked her together. I was glad to be able to have time with the girls to just talk about girl things. They are really funny and I would never have known!
Dinner at Grandma's. Maybe the last one for a while. Then we started to play cards but constant interruptions got in the way. Eventually, I got tired of waiting for the others to stop visiting (I wasn't visiting as it was all just a bunch of gossip and i'm not much into that) so I said my goodbyes and went home. This wasn't a terrible thing though, as I was able to wash the dishes up, take a bath and do some reading before bed. I'm reading "The Thirteenth Tale" by Diane Setterfield. I've already read it, but it's a pretty good book and I needed something to read, so...
I ate too much for dinner yesterday, but whaddya do? I sincerely hope this is the last unhealthy meal for at least a little bit. Eating these types of meals constantly really does a number on you sooner or later. Just to give you an idea, i've been eating perogies, cabbage rolls, potatoes, sausage, stuffed chicken, ice cream, pumpkin pie, etc etc etc. Still drinking lots of water, which is probably saving me from gaining a huge amount of weight right now.
Today: Leftovers sitting in my fridge need to be picked at, bit by bit. Take dog for walk. Winterize yard. Soak feet.
- Tuesday Oct 13, 2009
Well, it's been quite the week and weekend. It was Thanksgiving this weekend for us Canadians, but the thought didn't even cross our minds until yesterday afternoon. Thankfully, we were able to put together a beautiful meal - sans turkey, but everything else was there.
My Grandpa passed away Tuesday. I hope he is still with us in spirit and will guide each of us in our lives toward success and happiness. It has been so hard, but our family is strong and has come together to share the grief. It has been nice to see everyone, even under these sad circumstances.
I am so thankful for the friends that i've chosen, as they've rallied together to support myself and my family in this time of need. They truly are angels, i'm so lucky to have them. I've received so many phone calls, flowers, food, and words of comfort.
Back to work and realizing that I really need to buckle down. It is true that life will continue on, no matter what happens, and so I must get back into it before I lose ground. I've been drinking lots of water, but I really need to take my dog for a walk already. She has been very patient with me, but I know she's reaching her limits!
I am quite upset that X did not even bother to call or text me this last week, this week that has been the most difficult of my life. I shouldn't be surprised, I suppose, but not one person in his family even bothered to attend the funeral of my grandfather, not one card, not one phone call, not one word of support. I imagine he's moved on with his life and that's good; however we spent quite a number of years together and I would expect that some show of support would have been in order. But I can't think these thoughts any longer, I have to accept that he has no understanding or compassion towards anyone but himself. I can't believe I put up with it for so many years!
I have one more family supper tonight, then hopefully sleep. Wonderful, comforting sleep.
- Tuesday Oct 06, 2009
I'm still a little weary, but am more concerned with my family and how they're getting on. Thankfully, we've had another family member arrive yesterday to share the grief, concern, worry, organizing, etc. This will be good, as now it won't feel so much like the burden is upon us to ensure things are done according to plan. Sometimes, when you are in the midst of turmoil and grief, it is incredibly difficult to ponder all of the 'administrative' tasks that need to be accomplished.
I made myself some dinner last night - potatoes, carrots, broccoli and cauliflower baked in the oven, and some chicken strips. I'm hoping this will last me for the next couple of days as things progress and other family members start to arrive. I've made my home available to any and all that require accommodation, so there will definitely be some time alloted to ensuring there are enough blankets and pillows to go around. I'm just so weary, guys. It's so sad.
My dog needs a walk. Perhaps I can do that today.
- Monday Oct 05, 2009
Well, my family has been under a bit of stress lately. I'm not sure if i'm happy, angry, sad, etc etc etc today. I'm weary.
My Grandpa will be leaving us soon, for a better place. It is such torment to watch him struggle through the days, and to watch his wife and daugher do the same. I wish him peace in passing, and I hope he will continue to be our matriarch and watch over us in the years to come.
I couldn't say how my eating has been this weekend. Sporadic, I guess. Maybe I shouldn't be making an entry today - I don't feel as though I could string together a sentence to save my life. I'll just add that there was no exercise this weekend and I think that must be the reason for my dog's insolence of the past few days.
I'm learning patience. I'll get there, where I need to be, eventually.
- Friday Oct 02, 2009
Three mornings in a row where i've come to work and not been miserable! Yay!
Took the dog for a walk yesterday, since I had to pick up a couple of things from my grandma's house anyways I decided I might as well walk and ensure the dog gets a bit of exercise as well as myself. It was cold and rainy and my runners were squishing and squashing by the time we got back home, but oh well. We suffered through it and managed to get some exercise.
I picked up some chicken after work and had that with the potatoes and carrots for dinner. Today at lunch is leftovers, then I won't have to worry about meals until Sunday probably. I picked up a whole lot of vegetables from grandma's since she won't be able to eat it all, so I have plenty of pickings for snacks, too. No need for chips!!
It's great that I have so much going on in my life, lots of friends and family pulling me in all directions. For the last little while, that's what I needed - to have someone else do all the thinking for me, and to have them fill up my schedules so that I didn't have to sit at home alone. This week, so far, i've had the house to myself for three nights. That is a HUGE change for me since i've moved in here. There's ALWAYS been someone else hanging out or around, or someone calling on the phone or whatever. Three whole nights, where no one came, no one phoned (except that one guy on Monday where I didn't answer...) and it was totally quiet from 6pm on. It's been a rough week, but also a very encouraging one. Because I got through it. Not only did I get through it, i'm even happy about it. I'm on my way!
I'm going to walk over to my friend's place tonight for dinner - she's only a couple of blocks away, but at least i'm still planning to walk it instead of driving that distance!
- Thursday Oct 01, 2009
Again, not angry. Sweet, two days in a row...
I took my dog for a walk yesterday after work. It was a touch cool, but by the time we were on our way back home, I was sweatin' from the pace she was keeping! We met up with an older gentleman with his 7 year old black lab. It really made me miss my other dog, the one that X has now. So I sweet-talked her and she really seemed to like my dog. She is a feeble dog - her hips are giving out on her and she limps a bit when she walks, but every so often she'd pick up the pace to try to catch up to my dog! Very cute and funny to watch her little legs giver for a few seconds!
I caved yesterday and bought myself chips. My friend cancelled on me, so I wasn't able to go for chicken wings like i'd planned. I thought about asking someone else, but then decided I was exhausted and would rather read a book in bed. Then I fell asleep. I woke up around 10pm, let the dog out for a bathroom break, had one myself, and went back to bed. I feel a good bit better today, though my neck is sooooo sore! I'm getting a massage on Saturday, thank goodness. Just two more days of work to get through.
It is raining cats and dogs today. I think maybe no walk after work for my dog. She may resent me for it, but she didn't want to go outside this morning for her bathroom break because it was raining so hard. I doubt very much she'd like to go for a walk, though by 4:30pm she could change her mind. We'll see. I don't mind walking in the rain, as long as it's not too cold.
That's about it for today. I'm having cooked potatoes and carrots for lunch, possibly for dinner as well if there's still enough left. I'll have to think of something for tomorrow's meals. I haven't gotten groceries in a while, so my fridge is pretty bare. A friend mentioned it the other day, so perhaps I should fill it up a bit... she thought only having two bottles of water and two bottles of beer in the fridge was quite hilarious. The potatoes and carrots came from my cousin's garden and I cooked them up right away. Maybe i'll go buy some chicken breasts or something. Yeah, that might be a good idea. And I have boxes of rice and pastas that I need to use as well. Lots of carbs, hardly any protein!
Good luck today everyone.
- Wednesday Sep 30, 2009
Not angry today. This is how i'm going to start every entry from now on, letting you know if i'm angry or not... haha! Not funny?
Anyways, i'm not. I had my lovely sushi last night and even though my stomach is not quite used to it yet, my tastebuds sure are. Oh, heaven. And tonight I get to go for chicken wings with a friend. And Saturday i'm going to another friend's place for their early Thanksgiving supper. I'm gonna have to refrain from heavy meals in-between and drink lots of water.
I managed to get my ivy plants transplanted and into the house yesterday, but didn't get to take my dog for a walk. She is starting to be affected by this - she cries a bit when I come into the house and doesn't like to leave my side for very long. I will have to spend some quality time with her so that she knows i'm not ignoring her. Maybe today before supper i'll be able to take her outside, even for a quick walk to the park or something.
Well, I weighed myself this morning and realized that since i've moved into my house i've lost almost ten pounds. I'm thinking that with the start of routine and the lessening of that stress factor i've been able to monitor what's going into my mouth a lot easier and have been able to take time to plan out meals. Like my dog, i'm realizing that if I don't eat all of my meal, another dog/person won't swoop in and eat it on me! This means there have been more occurrences of leftovers, and less occurrences of total binge eating and licking the plate afterwards. This is good. I've been waiting for this, and am so glad that this was the case (stress eating = binge eating) and that I am able to turn the tables and come out on the sunny side.
It's still cold here. I'm not sure i'm getting used to it yet. When I left work yesterday, I bundled myself up in my big winter parka, scarf, tocque and mitts. As I was walking to my vehicle in the parking lot, I noticed another girl heading home. All she had on was a little short-sleeved dress shirt, her hair whipping around her face. She didn't seem to mind the weather. I think she must be crazy.
- Tuesday Sep 29, 2009
Buh. I'm angry today. At least I know I won't be angry EVERY day for eight months straight. I wish this eight month anger thing would hurry up and be over. I also wish I didn't live in such a small town. At least that way I could hide and still go out and not have to always be running into people I don't want to see anymore. I just want to yell at them at the top of my lungs! Buh.
That guy I met on the weekend called me last night. I didn't answer the phone! I didn't know what to do, so I did nothing, and I stuffed my phone into the pillows of the couch so I couldn't hear it. I'm so out of practice!
I ate too much for dinner last night, I was reading and just kept dishing food into my mouth, not realizing when I was full. I paid for it, too. I woke up in the middle of the night with horrible stomach cramps. Then my back started hurting and I said to myself 'self, your period has reared it's ugly head' so I turned on the heating pad and tried to go back to sleep. I'm so tired today. That's the freakin' story of my life! Tired! At least I don't have to worry about my period being absolutely horrible, just a few aches and pains. Popped some advil this morning and I should be fine for the rest of the day.
Sushi tonight! YAY! God, the things that are making me happy right now... it's nuts. My heart just quickens at the thought of sushi. I suppose if I could marry sushi, I might think hard about it before saying no in the end.
I should take the dog for a walk today, she hasn't had one in a few days. It's just so cold outside! Yuck.