- Thursday Nov 05, 2009
For goodness' sake! Why does my life continue to drag me under the ground???!
Just when I think i'm doing alright, things are looking up, blah-de-blah, an ex-friend decides she just absolutely NEEDS to tell me what my X had been doing... for the LAST 5 YEARS!!! I don't know - do I really need to hear this at this point? Really? Because now I not only feel like a complete fool, I also feel like the laughing-stock of the town. How could she not know? Why did she stay with him for so long? And on and on and on. OMG you guys, seriously. How much more of this SHAME can I take? This is just the last straw. I'm done. Done! DONE!!!!
I hate that no one that knew what was going on cared enough to just freakin' END it for me and TELL me. Everyone in this darn town knows me and knows what was going on, everyone but my closest friends. And NOW, this ex-friend of mine has decided to make my X a VICTIM!! So, not only do I have to carry the shame in being with a boy who had NEVER wanted to be with me, I also have to sit and watch everyone feel SORRY for him!!!
My God, when does it end?
- Thursday Oct 29, 2009
I hate this weather. It's freezing rain and freezing cold and... well, no need to continue to complain about the weather when you can't do anything about it! I didn't take the dog for a walk yesterday either because I was frozen solid by the time I got home from work. I don't understand why we cannot turn up the heat in the office, just a tiny bit would help tremendously. When I got home I changed into long underwear, heavy sweatpants, a turtleneck sweater and a hoodie over top! Still, I could not warm up, so there was no way I was venturing out into the cold to go for a walk. Eventually, I took a warm bath and that seemed to help.
Carved a couple of pumpkins last night which was a lot of fun, even the gutting part! Then I sat on my new couch and enjoyed it. It's huge! I was scared that it wouldn't fit into the space I had set out for it, but it just barely does. It's a good thing I don't have a huge big screen tv otherwise no one would be able to watch it from three feet away! But it's so COMFY! Very pleased.
Was really tired last night and fell to sleep right away, although I woke up a few times in the middle of the night. I wish I could stop doing that, it really messes up my sleep and makes me even more tired the next day.
I am starting to plan for some of the things I want to accomplish in the future. I have decided to clear a space in the garage in springtime to make room for painting, and i'm going to be setting aside time (away from the computer and the phone) to write. Besides becoming more healthy, these are the two things I most wish for. Life will always get in the way, but if I can make time for these things I will feel that I am accomplishing something great.
3 more litres of water yesterday (actually, it's getting closer to 4 litres now), and I noticed I dropped another half pound this morning. I recently received the flu shot and haven't had much of an appetite since, so i'm not going to put too much thought into how much weight i'm losing right now. It will probably balance itself out in the next week or so.
- Wednesday Oct 28, 2009
Another 3 litres of water down the hatch yesterday. Geez, if i'm not consistent with anything, at least i'm keeping up with the water intake!
I missed walking the dog yesterday, since I talked to grandma for a bit then had to get ready for a friend's visit. It was also raining outside, again. Oy vey! When does the rain end?! Then I went for a drink with another friend. It was a good venting session for both of us! I'm glad I was able to talk through some things that were bothering me. It's always nice to have a good friend who will listen, no matter what you have to say. I didn't want to wake up this morning. I feel good today, though. The afternoon is what'll kick my butt!
I have to vote for town council today after work, then walk the dog, then go to a friend's to carve pumpkins. Should be another full night! Yee-haw! Oh! AND I got my new couch delivered this morning! I haven't seen it yet, but i'm going home for lunch right away - I cannot wait to see what it looks like! I've been waiting and waiting (not at all patiently either) for it to arrive.
- Tuesday Oct 27, 2009
I drank at least 3 litres of water everyday since I last updated. Whooo! Some days were harder than others, but i'm getting into a groove/routine now so hopefully will be better able to keep it up. It's amazing what a difference it makes in my skin - I look almost... misty, or something. Can't find the right word for it!
I've still been taking the dog for a walk, although I missed Saturday and Sunday because things were just too busy. Plus, perhaps I needed the break. It was nice to get back into it, especially last night when I was feeling so worn down and sorry for myself. Need to pull through, make a better life for myself and my future family, 'cause I know there will be one. One day.
Anyways, the moral of the story is that I AM feeling better these days, no matter how miserable I sound! Each day gets better and better. I am glad for the friends that I do have, for they give me a reason to keep going instead of wallowing in self-pity. There's no need to feel sorry for myself - I have everything I need right now, and there is still a lesson to be learned from all of the changes in my life recently. Once I figure it out, i'll start sailing my way towards a more successful and happy life.
- Thursday Oct 22, 2009
Yesterday I drank over 4 litres of water. I also drank a lot of coffee and I think it really dehydrated me, so i'm glad I was able to drink lots of water to make up for it.
I took my dog for a half hour walk. I was incredibly 'worked up' from the coffee so it was a jumbled mess of a walk - I really don't remember much of it; we paraded around town like two banshees in a grain bin, desperate to get out. I was never more happy to arrive back at home, out of the line of vision! It was still sometime after that when the jitters finally died down.
I was pretty tired yesterday, that was the only downfall. That, and I had to ask X for some pictures I left there. That wasn't fun either. But other than that, it was a pretty good evening. I took a nice hot bath and when I finally decided to go upstairs to bed, I was sufficiently drowsy and comfortably warm. Mmmm. Makes me want to go back to bed!
- Wednesday Oct 21, 2009
The days are starting to move along a little more quickly now. I would normally say this sucks as it means winter comes quickly and summer fades just as fast. But i'm glad for the quick-flying time since I am needing to re-fuel my mind and spirit and get over all the things that have occured in my life this year.
It is time to cut myself off from those people who do not offer any benefit in my life. I know I might be a bit selfish in saying so, but I have hung on this past month for some type of string that I thought perhaps they would throw at me. And I would have gladly accepted, however thin that piece of string was. With the grief my family and I have been faced with I could have used all of the support systems I could get my hands on. I was not a thought in their mind, however. And as selfish as this may be, I am done. Done being trampled over and stepped on and punched repeatedly when i've done nothing wrong. Done feeling grief over breaking up with someone who was never really part of my life to begin with. Yes, I am done.
I've had three litres of water every day for the last eight days, except for Saturday. Saturday was a busy day and however much I wanted to get that water in, it just couldn't happen.
I've taken the dog for a walk every day for the last eight days, for at least half an hour, sometimes more.
I've prepared my house for winter.
I've scratched off more to-do's and to-buy's for my house.
I am ready to move forward. This game is on!
- Thursday Oct 15, 2009
I took the dog for another walk yesterday after work. Goodness, it's getting cold outside. I'll need to wear long underwear if i'm going again today. After that I made myself something to eat - beef sandwich and some triscuit crackers. I drank so much water yesterday, not sure what came over me but it's okay, i'll take it!
I stopped in at Grandma's last night to pick up some cold cuts of meat that she wasn't going to eat, visited with her for a bit (I can tell her thoughts are still not quite in order. I imagine this will take some time) then headed back home. A friend came over to visit last night as well, which was great as by the time she left it was time for bed so there wasn't much time to sit and feel sorry for myself! I do that far too often these days...
Today: mocha, veggies and dip, thinsations snack, carrot cake with icing (oops, those darn co-workers!), and... dinner. something for dinner.
Exercise: walk dog at least half an hour.
I need to put plastic over the windows in the house tonight to keep more of the cold out. This, due to my clumsy nature, will probably be an all-night task.
- Wednesday Oct 14, 2009
I took my dog for a walk yesterday after work. I picked up my two young cousins and we walked her together. I was glad to be able to have time with the girls to just talk about girl things. They are really funny and I would never have known!
Dinner at Grandma's. Maybe the last one for a while. Then we started to play cards but constant interruptions got in the way. Eventually, I got tired of waiting for the others to stop visiting (I wasn't visiting as it was all just a bunch of gossip and i'm not much into that) so I said my goodbyes and went home. This wasn't a terrible thing though, as I was able to wash the dishes up, take a bath and do some reading before bed. I'm reading "The Thirteenth Tale" by Diane Setterfield. I've already read it, but it's a pretty good book and I needed something to read, so...
I ate too much for dinner yesterday, but whaddya do? I sincerely hope this is the last unhealthy meal for at least a little bit. Eating these types of meals constantly really does a number on you sooner or later. Just to give you an idea, i've been eating perogies, cabbage rolls, potatoes, sausage, stuffed chicken, ice cream, pumpkin pie, etc etc etc. Still drinking lots of water, which is probably saving me from gaining a huge amount of weight right now.
Today: Leftovers sitting in my fridge need to be picked at, bit by bit. Take dog for walk. Winterize yard. Soak feet.
- Tuesday Oct 13, 2009
Well, it's been quite the week and weekend. It was Thanksgiving this weekend for us Canadians, but the thought didn't even cross our minds until yesterday afternoon. Thankfully, we were able to put together a beautiful meal - sans turkey, but everything else was there.
My Grandpa passed away Tuesday. I hope he is still with us in spirit and will guide each of us in our lives toward success and happiness. It has been so hard, but our family is strong and has come together to share the grief. It has been nice to see everyone, even under these sad circumstances.
I am so thankful for the friends that i've chosen, as they've rallied together to support myself and my family in this time of need. They truly are angels, i'm so lucky to have them. I've received so many phone calls, flowers, food, and words of comfort.
Back to work and realizing that I really need to buckle down. It is true that life will continue on, no matter what happens, and so I must get back into it before I lose ground. I've been drinking lots of water, but I really need to take my dog for a walk already. She has been very patient with me, but I know she's reaching her limits!
I am quite upset that X did not even bother to call or text me this last week, this week that has been the most difficult of my life. I shouldn't be surprised, I suppose, but not one person in his family even bothered to attend the funeral of my grandfather, not one card, not one phone call, not one word of support. I imagine he's moved on with his life and that's good; however we spent quite a number of years together and I would expect that some show of support would have been in order. But I can't think these thoughts any longer, I have to accept that he has no understanding or compassion towards anyone but himself. I can't believe I put up with it for so many years!
I have one more family supper tonight, then hopefully sleep. Wonderful, comforting sleep.
- Tuesday Oct 06, 2009
I'm still a little weary, but am more concerned with my family and how they're getting on. Thankfully, we've had another family member arrive yesterday to share the grief, concern, worry, organizing, etc. This will be good, as now it won't feel so much like the burden is upon us to ensure things are done according to plan. Sometimes, when you are in the midst of turmoil and grief, it is incredibly difficult to ponder all of the 'administrative' tasks that need to be accomplished.
I made myself some dinner last night - potatoes, carrots, broccoli and cauliflower baked in the oven, and some chicken strips. I'm hoping this will last me for the next couple of days as things progress and other family members start to arrive. I've made my home available to any and all that require accommodation, so there will definitely be some time alloted to ensuring there are enough blankets and pillows to go around. I'm just so weary, guys. It's so sad.
My dog needs a walk. Perhaps I can do that today.