- Friday Jul 31, 2009
I managed to still do too many things last night, and I even added another four or so storage containers to the pile that is starting in the spare room. I phoned another couple of places in regards to either renting or selling homes, and I went into the city to purchase more storage containers. It was a really busy night, but I got a lot done.
I will be viewing a house tonight that my mother is dead set against. She used to rent this house, and apparently since then they've done a lot of renovations. I asked her to view it with me because she knows so much about what it used to be like, and she agreed but this morning she refuses to set foot in there because she doesn't think I should buy the house. I asked her why we couldn't at least look at it? and she said if I might be interested in buying it then she wasn't going. Well, why would I look at it if I wasn't interested? I don't really understand why she has to throw this fit. It's not like I have enough on my mind without having to add her hissy fits to the list. At these points in time, I really wish my Dad lived here instead of almost two hours away. I think she is taking her frustrations out on me because my ex and I are trying to be amicable and she's never had that in her life. She's always run away and blocked them out of her life. I think she thinks that's what I should do, but i'm over it. I'm humbled and i'm grateful for the things I have. Revenge or jealousy or whatever she feels - it just doesn't matter to me.
I'm back to eating breakfasts - i've eaten breakfast consecutively for the last two days now. And I don't mean coffee! Last night I ate part of a sandwich for dinner and felt a little sick afterwards. I've run out of the meds I take for heartburn so I need to get that re-filled although, I haven't taken a pill since yesterday morning and i'm not feeling terrible - I can feel it a bit, but it's not as bad as it was. We'll see how the day goes, my stomach still kind of hurts and my left side is uncomfortable.
Tonight ex and I are going to attempt to be at a friends birthday party - at the same time.... probably even in the same room. I was against this initially, but i'm going to give it a try. Why? Because i'm not thinking clearly, that's why. Because I want to wallow in my misery, just for one more night.
- Thursday Jul 30, 2009
I think i'm going to take today off. I'm still going to work and there are still a few things I know I need to do today, but I think i'm going to let house-hunting and packing and everything else that is wracking my brain... go for today. I'll get back to worrying about it tomorrow.
I hardly got any sleep last night, ex decided to bring his cousin and sister to the house after going to the bar last night. Of course, when they walked through the doors the dogs started barking and carrying on. There are some people you just want to... shake. If I would have been in his shoes, common sense would have urged me to find another place to party. But what can I say? You can lead a horse to water, but a cow won't move from her spot for days. I think he must've been a cow in a past life.
I hardly ate anything either. I think I just need to curl up and sleep for a few extra hours. Just the thought of cool sheets and fluffy pillows is making my eyelids heavy.
Looks like I might not be able to get out of the house as quickly as i'd hoped. Any rentals won't come available until September and I still haven't found a decent house to purchase. I guess I was delusional when I thought this could be quick and painless.
- Wednesday Jul 29, 2009
I think i'm stretching myself pretty thin. My stress level just keeps going up, no matter what I do to control it. I find myself incessantly changing my mind about things: renting an apartment, renting a house, renting a storage unit, taking my dog to someone else's for now, staying where I am since ex will not be around for two weeks in August, blah-de-blah-blah-blah. I received an e-mail from my mortgage specialist to call her and I can't seem to get a hold of her so I have no idea what is going on there. My ex's mother seems to think we're going to start 'dating' again and I just don't have the strength to set her straight. I have to budget in lawyer's fees for a house purchase, furniture and appliances and I don't know where i'm going to find the money!! AAAH!!! Those are only a few things going through my mind, there are so many that I can't even think straight anymore - there's also a gathering of friends coming up this weekend and we have to decide who gets to go because i'm not sure we can both be in the same place at the same time. I betcha if I read all this back to myself i'd make about a thousand changes and this entry would just turn into another funny or silly entry that skims over the issues and covers up the pain. Today, i'm not in the mood to fix it.
Still haven't been eating much, although I went to a friend's for supper last night and I could actually taste the food I ate this time. Ex bought a sandwich for lunch for me today but I couldn't eat it - I brought it to work with me and if I don't eat this afternoon then i'll just eat it for supper. I have another house to see tonight.
I'm probably being sporadic and tangenty - I can't seem to get enough sleep either. I was dead in the water last night because of the stressful day I'd had, but I still only slept six hours. It felt like two. I asked ex that since he was off work today he could pick up some storage boxes for me and go to our phone company to split up our cell phone bills. My goodness, all i'm doing is writing out a to-do list for you all to read! I'm sorry!
- Tuesday Jul 28, 2009
Ugh. Tired. Stressed. No nice homes to buy. No apartments to rent. Rumors flying around town. Families hurt and confused.
And two more weeks until vacation.
Life is short, so why does it have to be so hard?
- Monday Jul 27, 2009
Ugh, last week was horribly stressful. I'd been so stressed out about having to get out of the house and with the way ex had been treating me that i'd been staying as busy as possible in order to not have to deal with him until he could be decent with me. Thank goodness this weekend was much better.
On Friday night I went over to a friend's place for supper and had four chicken wings and some salad. Saturday I was gone with my Dad most of the day, we had lunch together (ham sandwich and salad) but I didn't eat dinner. That night I went to a street dance with some other friends. Yesterday I went for brunch with more friends (again, thank goodness for friends) and one made me pack up my leftover egg omellette so that I could eat it for breakfast today :-).
I checked out house listings and found another one I wanted to look at, so took the info down and I will be viewing it today. Then ex was at home so I asked him to bring up some of my boxes from the basement and we went through them. I took a break afterwards and hit up another friend for a drink on her deck, then ex and I even went for dinner together. I have to say he helped out a lot yesterday, which I am very grateful for as that means we are getting over the emotional garbage, even if only by an inch or two!
This morning I could only eat some of the leftover egg omellette, so I brought more crackers to work with me, and a great big mocha with my name on it is sitting right here waiting for me to crack it open!
Here's to Mondays...
- Friday Jul 24, 2009
Feeling blah again today, nervous and hoping today goes well in the house searching department. I *think* i've passed the angry stage now, in case you were wondering, and i've moved on to indifference and haughtiness. The good news is that I can admit it, the bad news is that everyone has to put up with me!
A friend's birthday was last night, so I tagged along with them for supper and drinks. It was a lot of fun - when your friends can make you belly laugh even in the worst of times, hang on to them tiny grasshoppers, they're the good ones.
Ate steak and salad yesterday. Today my Dad is coming to help with house searching, so i'm assuming he'll make sure we eat lunch, and i'm invited to yet another friend's house tonight for a bbq. They're going to make sure i'm eating!
- Thursday Jul 23, 2009
Not much to say today, just would rather be at home sleeping.
I have an appointment at the bank today after work and I'm looking at houses tomorrow afternoon. On Saturday, Dad is taking me to a winery (like that's a good idea given the condition i'm in! Yea, bring on the wine!) and then we're going on a trailride. I haven't been on a horse in years.
So it will be back to brutal reality on Sunday, then. I'm going through all the emotions, so at least I know i'm grieving properly. I'm angry right now.
- Wednesday Jul 22, 2009
Blah. Packing seems like a wickedly difficult chore now. I sort of wandered around the house yesterday and don't think I packed a single thing! I moved things around, picked up one pile and switched it with another pile, but really don't think I accomplished much. Then my friend phoned and took me out to the ballgame, so the rest of the night was good! BF and I were supposed to talk money last night but he wigged out on me so now it's left for another day. I am looking at homes on Friday, already set up viewing times with the realtor, so I hope he is ready to talk about it tonight.
After work I ended up having a little cry outside with the dogs. I am going to miss the bigger one, the one that will probably stay with BF. He's a handful, that dog, but i'm still going to miss him! He always knows when you're feeling sad and he'll always sit right beside you (he would sit on top of you if he could!) and lean into you. Anyways, I took a short nap afterwards and forgot all about eating supper. This morning I tried to eat cereal, but it wasn't going down very well so I left half of it. Bought myself a mocha though, and I brought some crackers to work with me. Maybe those i'll be able to eat.
Slo-pitch is tonight. So many obstacles. Like I said to someone yesterday regarding the break-up: [change]... It's just a pain in the a$$!!!!!!
- Tuesday Jul 21, 2009
It was a cold, dark night in the world yesterday. BF and I decided to split. To be truthful, I feel kind of... relieved. I know this is a new chapter in my life that I must walk through on my own. It will be a tough little while until everything is finalized, but such is life. This too shall pass, right?!
I haven't been eating much for the last couple of days but i'm making up for it in exhorbitant amounts of calorie-rich mochas. I don't look forward to the pounding headaches i'll receive when life is back to normal and I don't need the insane amount of caffeine i'm taking in now. This morning I had some cereal for breakfast, and lettuce with bacon for lunch. I plan to bbq chicken burgers for supper and I have leftover rice in the fridge. I just sighed when I read that last sentence back to myself - it seems like so much work. Can't I just take a nap instead?!
Tai-chi was on the slate for tonight, and I am hoping i'll have the motivation to go as it will get me out of the house and keep me from spiralling into self-pity. I'm really good at self-pity.
- Monday Jul 20, 2009
Well, the depo shot really did a number. You don't quite know how strong that stuff actually is until it's already deeply imbed in your body. My flow cut in half and besides cramping, the rest of my period went over quite well, physically speaking. Crazy scary stuff.
I did a lot more cleaning and packing this weekend, which I believe made bf go a little crazy himself. I think he's decided he is not going to take responsibility for anything that has happened to us in the last few years, which I would say is very immature - but I guess I've been blind. I checked up on separating in Canada if you're common law partners, and basically you split things up to whomever purchased what. For example, since the house is in bf's name, I would need to find another place to live. This may be difficult for me as I have quite a debtload at the moment but I think I will make an appointment with the bank and see if there is anything I can do. I really don't want to rent. I'd rather buy a house and pay a mortgage down and if I ever decide to move then I have something to liquidate.
I spent a lot of time with friends this weekend as well, which was a life-saver. Thank goodness for friends! I ate well, meaning good portions not huge portions. At this particular time of the day, I am back on track and my mind is clear on what I need to do to better my life. Get rid of the grey matter blocking my future!
Not much for exercise, so I need to work on that, but for right now I am going to concentrate on my eating and go from there. I simply can't do it all right now.