DETERMINATION IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN GOALS AND SUCCESS

I WILL BE PREPARED FOR AN EMOTIONAL EATING EPISODE

Encourage your people to be committed to a project rather than just involved in it. You know the difference between involvement and commitment don't you? In a meal of bacon and eggs, the chicken is involved, the pig is committed.               Richard Pratt - Australian billionaire

Today I am grateful for: a good night's sleep, loving grandchildren, peace and safety

Hello Wonderful Women, Forecast 79 degrees. I like the quote for today, I feel a similar way with my eating nowadays, I am committed not just temporarily involved. Previously when I went on a diet I knew that I would be coming off the diet, that sooner or later I would give up, cave in or fall of the wagon. I may still occasionally fall off the wagon now but I very quickly get back up and run after it and clamber back up, where as previously I would have just sat in the dirt for days or weeks until starting over again. I am committed to my new way of eating healthily, that is not to say I won't have days off or eat things that are not good for me. What I want is to eat like a normal healthy person. I am working on a principle of, if I eat healthily the majority of the time then the weight will naturally come off me. I can't tell you how liberating it is not to have to count calories and just eat when I am hungry. I am still eating food that is in my cupboards and fridge at the moment but I do believe we are going shopping tomorrow and I plan on stocking up on some more wholefoods - yes, I think that is the right word for what I will be eating, wholegrains, life sustaining foods, more vegies of course.

I had a good but strange eating day yesterday. I got a bit busy in the morning, my daughter came up for a chat and then the angel, I had to do some household maintenance and before I knew it it was lunchtime. As a result I was really hungry and had lunch as my first meal and ended up having lunch for dinner and breakfast for a snack. Anyway I got through another day feeling good about my eating and that is the name of the game at the moment.

I went downstairs last night to see if we were going anywhere today and as I walked into the kitchen the angel (2 1/2) ran up to me and said in her so cute voice "my nanna, I lub you" and ran into my arms, now I ask you how could someone not be happy with a unsolicited welcome like that, and then the second big boy (10) who is now as tall as me comes out and joins in the cuddle and tells me he loves me. I cannot explain the special joy that fills your heart when grandchildren are so loving and generous in their demonstrations of affection. I am a lucky nanna.  I hope that you have a wonderful day and that you feel joy at sometime during the day. Love you girls!!

Yesterday's Food

steak and kidney pie, peas

toasted ham and tomato sandwich

hot chocolate, 2 WW ginger kiss bars

DETERMINATION IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN GOALS AND SUCCESS

I WILL BE PREPARED FOR AN EMOTIONAL EATING EPISODE

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN GOALS AND SUCCESS IS DETERMINATION

I WILL BE PREPARED FOR AN EMOTIONAL EATING EPISODE

Always bear in mind that your own resolution to succeed is more important than any one thing.         - Abraham Lincoln

Today I am grateful for: new ways of doing things, my grandchildren, feeling positive

Hello Lovely Girls, Forecast 84 degrees. looks like a couple more hot days and then it will start to cool down. At last!! It is 5.30 am as I begin to type this entry. I just woke up and couldn't get back to sleep. It is still pitch black outside, daylight savings ends this weekend and we go back to 'real' time. I was having a think yesterday, and you know I often do, about all the things I had been working on before I got to sick to care and was thinking about how to include them in my daily life. This was initiated by the article in the forum called Never Having To Say Goodbye and some really good information about emotional eating, also on the forum (thanks to biscotti and sweetpea). I happened to read these articles when I was searching for a solution to my emotional eating episodes. After some practice, research, refining and general settling in of ideas I came to a decision. I changed my emotional eating heading a little while ago and haven't really had 'an episode' since - so that just may be working. (I am always prepared if it doesn't!).  I also wanted to feel more in control of myself, and strangely that for me meant not counting calories but trusting in myself. Knowing that I can eat what I want whenever I want it, giving myself permission to be in charge of myself, rather than the calorie count. One of my goals is to not count and I think I am ready to give it a try. Over the past few months I have been challenging myself to stay in control of my eating behaviour, to figure out what makes me tick and to find alternatives to eating in times of emotional stress.

I just felt that I needed to do something at the moment while I am under stress to feel more in control and also to see if I can trust myself. I may fall flat on my face here but this is the direction I want to move in so even if I do stumble I will continue to give this way of eating a good try. Yesterday I gave myself to eat whatever I wanted and felt as if a load had been lifted off my shoulder. I looked up lots of different (mainly desserts) foods I could make (all the healthy versions!) but ended up deciding that I didn't really want them after all. Anyway, I feel the need to do something to move forward and this is the path I have chosen and I am feeling good about it.

Thank you all for your good wishes, prayers and general support, it is a bit of a difficult time. I can't stand sick people, hate going to the doctor's and am trying to ignore what ever is wrong with me as much as I can until I get a diagnosis. I appreciate all your good will and that you come to my diary and read my ramblings. I love you girls!

Yesterday's Food

mini tortilla wrap, 1T peanut butter, banana x2

sate chicken, broccoli and bok choy, jasmine rice

60g dark chocolate

soy and linseed toast, marg, lime marmalade

DETERMINATION IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN GOALS AND SUCCESS

I WILL BE PREPARED TO SOLVE AN EMOTIONAL EATING EPISODE

When you become detached mentally from yourself and concentrate on helping other people with their difficulties, you will be able to cope with your own more effectively. Somehow, the act of self-giving is a personal power-releasing factor.        - Norman Vincent Peale

Today I am grateful for: an overcast sky, feeling up do doing an entry, living with hope

Hello Lovely Girls, Forecast 88 degrees, and still summer clings with her claw like hands. I am sorry that I haven't written an entry for several days. I really haven't been feeling very well. Lots of brain 'distrubances', sometimes just dizziness sometimes feeling like an ocean wave is passing through my head or my eyes seems to develop ideas of their own. All a bit scary. I go to the neurologists on Monday, so we will start the process of getting a diagnosis, hopefully! Nothing much happening on any other fronts, I am just doing all my usual stuff, plus a lot of lying down and some extra napping (I seem to be really tired as well! - but that could just be a anxiety response!). On the diet front some good some bad. I really don't have my heart in it at the moment. I am off to read some diaries, if I don't get to you today please forgive me. I will try again tomorrow. Love you girls.

DETERMINATION IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN GOALS AND SUCCESS

I WILL BE PREPARED TO SOLVE AN EMOTIONAL EATING EPISODE

I believe that we are solely responsible for our choices, and we have to accept the consequences of every deed, word, and thought throughout our lifetime.      Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

Today I am grateful for: sweet dreams, being free of pain, little girls laughing

Hello Lovely Girls, Forecast 77 degrees. I have changed my emotional eating heading to reflect the small progress I am making is solving this issue, which after all is the basis of my difficulty. With the help of many of you I feel that I have learned some things that will be of great use to me when one of those desperate moments hits. So now I have several possible solutions to test out and as I frequently have emotional eating episodes, I am now expecting them. I figure if I expect to be surprised by the sudden onset of 'I have to eat the world' I am less likely to be surprised!!!! Anyway, it worked last night, I actually waited for the episode and it didn't happen. I definitely think I am on to something here!! I am continuing to investigate, I have several options to try out and am ready to battle myself at the drop of a hat!!

It is a wonderfully cool morning, I am sitting right next to an open window and it is quite chilly, wonderful!! My husband just arrived to have breakfast with the children, it is always bitter sweet to hear his voice. It would be too painful to actually go down and see him, so I anxiously await his departure so I can breath again!! Anyway, I have nothing different planned for today, just my same itinerary of little jobs that need to be done and that make my daughter's and my life easier and more joyful. Well, apart from the cleaning, I don't know anyone who actually gets joy from cleaning, maybe sweetpea!!!!! LOL  Have a wonderful day girls, be kind to yourselves, I love you!!:)

Yesterday's Food

hot chocolate, pumpkin pie shake    279

sate chicken and vegetables, 1/2 cup rice   407

hot chocolate, ginger kiss bar    171

toasted ham and tomato sandwich  241

50g dark chocolate    255

           total    1333

DETERMINATION IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN GOALS AND SUCCESS

I WILL FIND AN ALTERNATE SOLUTION TO MY EMOTIONAL EATING

The pessimist sees difficulty in every opportunity. The optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.       - Winston Churchill

Today I am grateful for: the will to continue to improve myself, learning and growing in understanding, hope

Hello Lovely Girls, Forecast 82 degrees, but it is only getting hot for a few hours in the afternoon now. Yay! Cool nights and mornings, for which I am extremely grateful. I was sitting with my feelings last night, trying to figure out why I wanted to eat even though I wasn't hungry. I could feel my heart beating fast, my breathing was quick and I could feel this slow rising panic. (I must say this is getting to be great fun - not!!!!). Obviously some sort of anxiety going on, and then of course, I realised that although intellectually I am doing OK with the whole grand mal seizure thing, emotionally I am a bit of a mess and this combined with all the other stuff (dopey men!!) going on round here it is no wonder I am struggling to find some sort of balance, in my feelings and eating behaviour.

There seems no end or solution to the difficulties I have had to deal with in my life so I expect them to continue. This is my lot in life, many people have things a lot worse. I never seem to find an end to my grief, I have an inexhaustible flow of tears. They stop when I am exhausted myself, only to recommence the next time I allow them to flow. I am like a little girl with her finger in the dike holding back the water. Don't get me wrong I have wonderful things in my life that balance out the pain, I think that is part of the deal, I have my daughter and my grandchildren, my religion and my relationship with my Saviour. Unfortunately, this search I am on for a solution to my emotional eating is not coming up with a single source (thanks for the info in the forum sweetpea, it was great). Last night's experiment came from the instruction to STOP, hence the physical reaction to the impulse. Interesting certainly, improved understanding, definitely! I should point out that even with all this understanding, I still had to eat, so it was cereal again. It seemed the most filling and least damaging food to make me feel better and what is always intriguing to me is that it always works. I always feel better, relieved, less panicky. The solution works. So my next question for myself is. If I know what is upsetting me, the cause, and no amount of crying, laughing or deep breathing, fixes it but food does, should I except the solution and choose carefully the food I use to medicate myself? That's what I am going to be working on for the next short while, while I am going to be continuing to struggle with my emotions until I get a solution to my medical situation, I might as well use the time for further detecting.

Anyway, the upshot of this is that my calories are higher than I would like, but lower than they could be if I wasn't using my brain to try and understand myself and my reactions. Today I will be doing my usual round of cleaning, baking, playing with the angel, bathing the little girls (I am now allowed to do this again, now I am feeling better!), afternoon tea with the big boys and the princess. I hope that you all have a wonderful day and thank you for visiting my diary and being my team. Your kindnesses, good ideas, support and encouragement have bought me a long way. I love you girls:)

Yesterday's Food

porridge     302

sate chicken and vegetables, 1/2 cup rice   407

sate chicken and vegetables, 1/2 cup rice 407 (so delicious, I had it twice!!)

50g dark chocolate    255

4 weetbix, 1 cup milk, 1T xylitol    325

             total    1696 

DETERMINATION IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN GOALS AND SUCCESS

I WILL FIND AN ALTERNATE SOLUTION TO MY EMOTIONAL EATING

Nothing will ever be attempted if all possible objections must first be overcome. Samuel Johnson

Today I am grateful for: thinking that summer is over (really!), watching children's shows with the angel, being loved.

Hello Lovely Girls, Forecast 78 degrees. I have checked the forecast for the next two weeks and it looks like the weather is going to be sitting around 75 -80 for the foreseeable future with plenty of rain. I can cope with that, cooler weather will follow. Yay! I didn't get to sleep until 1.30am this morning, even with my drugs there was no way I could drop off to sleep. I ended up taking another sleeping tablet and that did the trick. The angel came up this morning and helped me with my bath. She passed shampoo, conditioner, soap and gave me a running commentary on witch bits I should do next, things that I had that she didn't and things that I had that were the same, so funny! She is now 2 1/2 and is resisting all efforts to get her out of nappies (diapers) she panics when she goes to pee and just holds the big stuff in. She is refusing to to any big stuff at pre-school. She has to find somewhere private to concentrate on her business at home (Usually behind a door) Just like her biggest brother, funny children. You don't see children in pull ups at school so I figure she will work it out when she is ready, with a fourth child you tend to be a little more relaxed about the whole thing, so my daughter is just leaving it up to her. As long as I don't have to change her, I don't really care!!

I am feeling a little better at the moment, my brain seems to be working properly again. Thoughts are easier, things are clearer although I am still getting the dizzy spells. I have a little cleaning, a little cooking and a little angel watching today plus afternoon tea with the big boys and the princess. Things are returning to normal. I am grateful for that. Thank you for your comments are understanding, biscotti was saying yesterday that I was very evolved into my insight into my thinking about food. That got me thinking and then legcramps said that I was making breakthroughs into gaining a huge amount of knowledge in my quest to a healthier me. I seem to have been messing around with the same six pounds for months, taking it off and putting it back on. Strangely it hasn't bothered me as much as it would normally, although I would like it to go on a permanent basis. Maybe it is because I am learning about the why, what and when of my eating disorder and so feel as if I am getting somewhere even if I am not losing much weight. It was weigh in day today, and it was ugly, I am not posting the new higher weight in the hope I can shift this recent reversal by next week (dubious!) of course, I was very sick last week. I always seem to have a valid excuse for eating, more like a real reason. I suppose I have also learned to be gentle with myself and not judge too harshly. I have also worked out over the years that eating is my coping mechanism for lots of bad stuff that has happened to me. Using food to help is one of the least damaging coping mechanisms people use, the problem is when they don't try and look at why they are eating. I know the who, what and why of my eating but stopping doing it is a different animal altogether. Finding something that makes me feel good when I feel so bad is a big ask, having delved into the depths of my stuff through group work, with psychiatrists, psychologists. I know what is wrong with me and all people can do when they are damaged is work around the damage. I don't believe that I will ever get better physiologically and that I will battle with my eating disorder all my life. I do think that it has comparisons with people who take drugs or drink alcohol to cope with feelings, it is a daily battle and acceptance of this reality makes it easier to deal with. Well that is it for my ramble today. I hope you girls have a good day. Love you!

Yesterday's Food

mini tortilla wrap, 1T peanut butter, banana   271

lemon pepper basa fillet, honeyed carrots, 1/2 cup peas   275

chocolate brownie    188

sardines in tomato sauce on toast   450

hot chocolate, 4 weetbix, 1 cup skim milk   371

         total    1555

DETERMINATION IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN GOALS AND SUCCESS

I WILL FIND AN ALTERNATE SOLUTION TO MY EMOTIONAL EATING

Mistakes are a part of being human. Appreciate your mistakes for what they are: precious life lessons that can only be learned the hard way. Unless it's a fatal mistake, which, at least, others can learn from.       - Al Franken

Today I am grateful for: hanging onto the back of the wagon, grandchildren, being free of pain

Hello Lovely Girls, Forecast 81 degrees. Well, I was doing so well yesterday and thought I was finishing the day out in good form. Until I started watching a weight loss program where this group of women where talking about all the emotional stuff they had gone through as children. Which was find until I find myself eating my low fat vanilla ice cream (the one I keep for the children and my pumpkin pie shakes). It was almost a seamless movement from watching to eating I didn't even stop and think I just got the ice cream and started to plow through it. So much for finding an alternate solution to my emotional eating, I didn't even recognise the trigger. I was half way through before I stopped and thought that something on the tele had triggered me into emotional eating - and then of course, I recognised that those women where talking about the same stuff that had happened to me, but instead of talking and hugging and crying, my response was eat. I think that if I had just waited for 10 minutes my brain would have caught up with my feelings. So maybe I can use the incident to learn that - wait 10 minutes. So, so far I have learned to sit with my feelings, have a cry, wait 10 minutes, eat something healthy. I am not getting anywhere fast but I am still determined to find a solution and to reach my goal.

So I was happily sitting on the back of the wagon last night and now I am running alongside and hope to jump back on board today. I hope that you finish your weekend well and much better than I did!!!! Love you girls:)

Yesterday's Food

mini tortilla wrap, banana, 1T peanut butter   271

chicken sausage, mashed potato, carrots, 1/2 cup peas, gravy   365

lemon cheesecake       280

pumpkin pie shake   233

         total   1149 plus the vanilla ice cream?

DETERMINATION IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN GOALS AND SUCCESS

I WILL FIND AN ALTERNATE SOLUTION TO MY EMOTIONAL EATING

Hope is like a bird that senses the dawn and carefully starts to sing while it is still dark.      - Anonymous

Today I am grateful for: birds - who joyfully live in the moment, having a daughter who is a best friend, strength to endure

Hello Lovely Girls, Forecast 88 degrees and still summer persists!! If I didn't have other things to worry about I could have a really good rant about the unfairness of my Autumn being stolen!!!! However, it is a lovely sunny morning with a cool breeze and so I will enjoy it for what it is just as the birds are doing! My daughter and I were having a bit of a chat last night, well we ended up having a bit of a crying session, the upshot being that men suck and we were so grateful to have each other. She was saying that she has noticed that I sometimes slur my words and that I speak more slowly. Indeed, I sometimes have to stop mid thought to try and remember what the rest of the though was!!!! We are feeling sure that something must show up on the MRI or the EEG!

I no longer have anything naughty in the house only food, so I am planning on eating healthy today and trying to get myself back into the groove. I am feeling better physically so I should be good to prepare meals. The big boys arrived home last night after spending three days in the city, they both received Bridge Climb tickets for their respective birthdays and so climbed the Sydney Harbour Bridge on Thursday morning, I cannot explain how spectacular the view is from up there, and then went to the Aquarium and the Maritime Museum, toured The Rocks (the area that was first settled in city), it still feels a little spooky there, it was were the lower strata of society made their living - so I will leave the rest to your imagination!! It is now full of quaint little shops, cute boutiques and shops that make Australiana - boomerangs and such. Plus the most fabulous candle making shop. Anyway, the little girls have been away since Friday and I have to say that I will be glad when everyone is home again. No one is going to church today, the boys are exhausted and I can't be left alone until they know what is wrong with me!!

I will probably only be taking it easy today with the addition of cooking lunch (whoo hoo!) and hugging grandchildren, I am sure I can manage that without too much difficulty. I hope that you are enjoying your weekends and take advantage of making sure that the people you love know it! I love you girls and making sure you know it:)

Hello Lovely Girls, I am sorry not to have written regularly but I am not really dieting and feel like a bit of a fraud writing an entry. It isn't as if I have been going crazy or anything, it is just that sometimes I eat food that is good for me and sometimes I eat food that is not so good for me. I must get myself organised otherwise when I really do want to attack the weight again I will be really angry with myself for getting out of control.

It is a lovely cool morning and although it is getting very warm during the afternoon it is cooling down again at night. We have been promised this weather for the foreseeable future. I am hoping for cooler afternoons as well, but I guess that they will arrive soon! As for me, I am still having dizzy spells and feeling very tired. I suppose this is the reason I am finding it hard to focus on the food. I know that there is something drastically wrong with my brain and it is hard to focus on the food whilst not knowing what is wrong with me. It is going to take at least another six weeks before I have any answers and so I had better get myself planning and preparing food again otherwise I won't fit out the front door or inside the dreaded MRI machine. Thank you for all your well wishes, love and concern. I am so grateful to each of you for your support. Look after yourselves. I love you girls:)