So i have been the same weight for about 3 months now .I guess that's better then gaining weight but I still think of how much I could of lost in that time frame. I did however go threw a breakup, which was very difficult for me. I actually did gain a little , but was able to lose it after the holidays.I was beginning to lose myself in that relationship.Even though I was happy, I found myself unbalanced, which included my diet, I'm still in the recovering stages of it, but I I'm at least starting my diet and exercise regimen back. The breakup was unexpected, so emotional eating was definitely involved. My mini goal iis still to get in the 150's.

  Things are going well. that is all..lol

 well im close to the 160s. 171 is the lowest i have been since 2006 /2007 ish. It didnt last very long, lol , but I dont think this will be the case this time. The difference is , before I stopped feeling motivated, or I was in a bad place, or I didnt realize that I had a problem. Its not easy having your weight go dramatically up and down for so many years, and never feeling satisfied with any of the numbers you see on the scale. This time was a different approach. I was not on just a "weight loss" journey. I was on a spiritual journey as well. I knew I was a compulsive eater my whole life, but I really thought I was helpless, hopeless, and meant to be fat. I would torture myself and get angry at my body if I didnt lose the weight by a certain time. If I didnt make that cut, Id get mad and eat whatever I did end up losing. Such a vicious cycle. I was not eating when I was hungry, and if I felt hungry, which was rare, it was as if it was the end of the world and i had to fill up quick. I also blamed all my problems , no matter what, on my weight. I hated my body for everything that went wrong. I always thought and sometimes still think, that people judge me on every talent, move, everything that i do, on my weight. I asked a friend if she wanted to borrow a dress of mine that i got the other day, it was kind of snug on me, but i thought she would want it for a wedding we are goin to on friday. I had her try it on, and it wouldnt go past her butt... she looked at me and said.. what made you think this would fit me?! ... Well, your a lot smaller than me , thats why,.. i said. SHe looked at me and rolled her eyes, and  said, " i think you think you are a lot bigger than you actually are"..... I looked at myself in the mirror and sometimes i get suprised at how my waste looks. it looks smaller. I mean compared to 50 some lbs ago. I look at pics and you can totally see the difference. FOr some reason, my mind doesnt completely register that. My whole life i have been "fat" .I guess constantly reminded by my family, instilled it in my head. Even now they''ll say,,  " you look so great sarah, make sure you keep it up, you dont want to ruin all your hard work" or, " are you eating that pasta?, be careful its very fattening"... Even after countless times, i have snapped on them, I guess their mentalitiy never changed either. This time when i went into losing weight, I was scared. Not because I didnt want to work out, or eat better, or that it wouldnt work... It always works... losing weight isnt the hard part... its knowing that for me, it comes with a price. I would lose weight, then as soon as something would trigger my feelings , i would binge and feel sick to my stomach, gain 4 lbs, then lose 5 lbs. gain 2 lbs, then lose 4 lbs... ugggh.. i lost weight.. but i lost it while torturing myself, and my body. I wont lie, in the begining of the year that still happened. i am more control of it now, but it can still happen. I started going to counceling, and oea. I was embarrassed that i needed "help" . I understand now that overeating is just as much of an eating disorder as bulimia, or anerexia. I supressed so many feelings growing up and all of them were expressed threw binges of food, and me abusing my body with food. Some people call it a disease. I dont want to call it that. I guess for me, a disease is like cancer, or aids,  or even mental disesases that are maintained by meds. there isnt a pill for overeating. diet pills are not a cure. . For me, I think I need support, understanding, and a mental shift. I am in the middle of my mental shift . my feelings towards food. I dont want to hide certain foods or not be able to be around foods that are too high in fat, or sugar, or my favorite "bad " foods. I want to live like a normal person and be around that without thinking i have to eat the whole pizza , or the order the whole menue on my chinese take out menue on my fridge. I want to eat those things  and enjoy the food that i love. without feeling guilty. so i have been. Trust me it took a lot of realieasing my feelings i supressed to get here. I am paying attention to when my body is hungry. Not when i need comfort. Everytime i feel like i need something in my mouth i will ask if im hungry. Ususally im not... so i have to sit there and say, what is bothering me? sometimes it works , sometimes it doesnt. when it doesnt, ill reach for a cookie... feel guilty.. sit back down and say.. what is it that i feel.... after a little while.. something resurfaces.. and i deal with it. i cry, i write, i reach out to someone. i talk about it... it exhausting sometimes,, but those feelings need to be adressed. as soon as i feel that release, i dont reach for the food that i once did for. This past couple weeks , i have given myself permission to eat what i want. I will buy one item from the store that i love and havnet had for years because it wasnt a "diet food"... what i have learned is , some of the things i thought i wanted so bad... i didnt even end up really liking that much. and second , when i go into eatin something not feeling guilty before i eat it.. i enjoy it so much, that i dnt need to eat the whole thing of it.. i bought icecream the other day... and i had one sppoon of it and felt satisfied.. thats never happened. I was scared all week because for once i didnt eat my diet food. I ate what i wanted and ususally when i "eat waht i want" i gain ten lbs.. but the diffrence was.. i listened to my body, and i  listened to my feelings. i write down what i eat, and i dont pay attention to the calories, however.. i notice that even on my days where i thought i did bad, i have always been under 1500 calories. for once i have "leftovers" i dont weight myself everyday. i don want to put a time limit on myh weight loss. its not even about the weight loss. im working on being happy. Yes I would love to be at a healthy weight. My weight right now at 5'4, is not reallyk healthy, but if i feel healthy at 160 then maybe ill stay at 160. i dont know what my nautral weight is. i guess its something ill find out in time.  i reccomend a book by genine roth called " when food is love"  that book made me shed some tears and gain some knowlege and understanding. I have been goin to councling, and dealing with all my emotions and though my eyes have been soar, there is only happieness behind sorrow. I am in such a better place now then i think i have ever been. I know that this isnt the end. I still have a lot to work on, so i suppose it can only get better. I thought i would share this with you guys , in case there is someone out there reading this who can relate. i KNow how important it was for me to feel like i wasnt alone. sometimes other peoples stories help you have a better perspective on your own story.

 I went up a few lbs during vacation, but i finally went down again. took a few weeks longer than i thought. I wont complain though. Doing really good actually.  I have made a huge decision that I have been thinking about for a long time, but finally have taken the steps to make a final decision. I am going to get a tummy tuck. I have seen 2 drs and have 2 more to see . So far both have said I am a good candidate for a tummy tuck. My rectus muscles are seperated and my belly hangs. Its always been my biggest insecurities since I was in first grade. The first time someone pointed out i had a big belly. Throughout the years of weight gain and loss, I have lost the skin elasticity in it and its not very attractive. I have always struggled with feeling comfortable in cloths and in my own skin because of it. I now can remember that , when I would lose a ton of weight, my stomach would stay the same, and it was always very discouraging. I would end up gaining all the weight back. Now that im older, and more aware of what is really going on. I can see that my face, shoulders, chest, arms legs have all gotten so much smaller, but my stomach is like a tumor. Maybe this is just in my eyes, but I know Ill never feel accomplished in my weight loss knowing that no matter how many situp up and toning i do. Ill always have this skin hanging. Sooo, Im making the choice to get rid of it. I really think it will change my life. I cant say how bad this has effected my self esteem. I need to feel my best and I have come so far in my weight journey. I want to reeap all the benefits of feeling thin. I have done tons of research on all the drs. Now i have 2 more to meet, and then make my decision. I originally planned the surgery in September, however. I would like to do it sooner. So i can finally live. Its weird. I feel way more insecure about it now then i did when i was bigger. Maybe because i feel like it sticks out more that everything else looks smaller. I want to have a good summer, but at the same time, I know its not wise to financially burden myself. Im able to save more by September. So there are a few decisions that need to be made. A lot of mental preparing for sure. Has anyone on here gotten any kind of cosmetic surgery? Did it change the way you felt about yourself after? Id love to hear some feedback or stories.

 well last week  when i weighed in , i miraculously lost 2 lbs. despite my birthday pleasures.unfortunatly i think im suffering threw some symptons of pms this past week following the birthday weekend. which imbalanced my body and i did a bit of overindulging in a more carbs than usual. man, once you start , its hard to stop the cravings. I have been trying to control it but im so hungry. every month it seems like i have different symptoms of pms. the hunger was bad this time around. i have only two days left before my vacation and i am feeling pretty bloated. i DO NOT want to screw up on this trip by forgetting to track waht i eat. I wasnt able to go to my meeting today, but I know i must go tommorow otherwise i might suffer this week. I just have to make sure im able to go in the morning. i dont have any clients tommorow till 1, so im hoping my boss wont mind if i go run a few errands before hand. i hate packing. i really dont want to overpack but i hate not feeling prepared either. Im a bit nervous about this trip... all my friends that are going are having "marriage issues' im the only single one, and ill be damned if this turns into a desperate housewives event. i also checked the weather ( we are goin to myrtle beach) and it says rain all the days we are there............................ go figure.. i hate feeling like i have a million things to do. this house is a complete disaster, but i was too busy all week buying stuff for this trip, doing laundry today, workingn practically 12 hours everyday, im exhausted!  and quite honestly, a little irritated! I will find out tommrowo for sure how much i weigh now but my scale says i gained a few lbs. Ya know i think this is the weight i reach where i usually give up.. i know i cant let that happen again.. but its hard. i was trying on bathing suites yesterday... ICK . i have always had nice legs.. and im actually seeing dimples in places i never seen.. my thighs are gross......... my arms dont look any better. i thought i was suppose to feel better after losing this weight... i cant believe a few summers ago when i weighed a whopping 227 i was ok with wearin a bathing suit in public... i feel bad now, what was i thinking then? I hope these are the hormones talking. i hate to be such a negetive nancy.. im just puttin a lot of money into this trip and i hope it turns out ok. one of the girls going, already is asking if we can change our flight back home a little earlier.. wtf... we will be home by 9 pm.. on a monday..i mean we are only gone for 4 days... her husband is aware that we had this planned months prior... yes she has two kids.. and she is claiming she wants to go home early to see them because she has the work next day and wont be able to see them till then.. im sorry but that is just wierd to me.. your kids go to bed by 7 anyways.... your going to change your flights hours earlier to maybe get to see them for an hour?? not to mention pay extra to change the flightm and get a cab? im not changing my flight schedule.. if she wants to go ahead.. but its because her dumb a** husband is a jealous freak, and is making her feel guilty for goin on a vacation.. its 4 days!!!!!!!! really? then i have my cousin who is going threw a divorce as we speak, and has been having mental breakdowns every other day... who i am on call for 24/7... but you know what? when i broke up with my ex of 4 years. and had to move out of my place and pack everything within 3 days and find a new place..within 3 days!... i dont remember her being my shoulder to cry on. i did a lot of crying and moping by myself. i am always someones rock. i am always the one who has the balls to say something, and im always the one who has to take control of the situation because othe  are too scared or too naive to do anything. im always giving advice, im always there for someone.. who the hell is there for me? granted, and THANK GOD for this,, i have no major problems right now...but. you know the little things that i have on my mind, like.. why even bother telling someone how im pissed that my job sucks right now, and that i want to save money for a possibly a tummy tuck, but am not sure if its right for me, or that i been thinking about kids and if i want any now that im older.. i mean ... who cares about that when i have freinds who are cheating on their husbands and having mental breakdowns and about to lose everything over bad decisions?? who do i get to talk about my "Frivoulous things" .. i guess myself..lol... uggghghhg... im super annoyed by all my friends who chose to get married when they were young and stupid,, and now are acting so suprised that they are gettin divorced... PRIORITYS PEOPLE.. you marry someone cus your scared to be alone and cus his bank account looked good at the time.. UM DUH, your goin to end up a bitter old house wife with no life and lots of complaints. and a divorce papers ready to be signed.. i swear i dont think i know ONE person in my life who is happy with there marriage.. I Have a few clients that give me hope because they genuinly seem happy. but they are also older or married when they were a litlle older. itleast im thankful for that. , no one takes a marriage seriously now a days. its done for selfish or thoughltess reasons. breaksup are freakin hard,, i can only imagine how hard breakin up in a marriage is.. i dont want to get married until im sure the man im with is the right one. there have been too many times where i have ignored signs in the begining. and one lesson i have learned is when you first meet someone.. what you see is what you get. if he sucks at payin his own bills or is financially irresponsible..guess what, thats not going to change.. if he is bad at calling you back or listening.. guess what,, get used to it. people dont change after a certain age. you are who you are. and if you are ok with dealing with those flaws then fine, but if you have a problem with it, chances are, its goin to turn into a huge issue. i remember when my cousin first married her husbnad,, we all knew he wasnt right for her.. she needed to get out of her living situation, he was goin into the army and got a huge bonus.. and i gues to her, it made sense to  marry him at the time. i asked her... what are you going to do if you guys dont work out. ( they only knoew each other for 6 months.. ) and she said, NO big deal, we'll just get divorced because we will have an understanding... 6 years later, she is miserable and an emotional wreck. not to turn this into a **** fest, but im sorry it really bothers me. how can people live with someone for years and not be truely happy? are people that deathly afraid of living alone .? i mean chances are, if you want to be with somone, one day you will. being alone is more then likely temporary... and guess what, its not that bad.. your less stressed, you look younger, you can do wahtever you freakin want. and you just have time to yourself and get to know yourself.. maybe i just need some more single freinds..lol... im sick of hearing how everyoens marriage sucks in my group of freinds.. its exhausting. they think being single is so taboo.. big deal, its 2012.  a man isnt goin to supporrt you anymore, you need to find yoursel and your own career and take care of youself if you want to survive. and if you find someone who can help. good for you.. but this isnt 1940 anymore. ON THAT NOTE, i need to go to bed.. itleast i feeel better venting..lol

 hello dieters!

well, what a weekend... what can i say , where do i start? lol. lets just say, people are still talkin about my party on saturday, and it is now tuesday! too many things to mention but i must say, it was one hell of a time! the next day i wanted to die. but monday came around, all i could do is laugh at everything. everyone had  a memorable time and my parties from this point are known as ones you dont want to miss. so thats good! i had a good time... for the most part haha. the next day though, ( hangover day) i was in BAD SHAPE. i couldnt move and was starving. well my friend emily must of had esp, because she came over with portillos italian beef sandwich and fries for me! she was an angel! i have not had "junk" food like that besides the few slices of pizza on friday.. in a long time. i mean , this was an actualy junky meal, but you know what. at that moment. it was worth every bite. i ate it like i never ate before. hungover junk food is the best. it made me feel better for sure. but then monday came around, i knew i had to snap back into shape. i took about an hour walk outside. today i think i will go to the gym. tommorow is weigh in, but i did wiegh myself this morning. and it was the same weight as last week. which is ok.. better than gaining. but my goal is to be in the 170s by may 4. that is when i go on vacation. i plan on eating healthy there. for sure ill have a few drinks but, i plan on being good eating wise. i want to keep this weight loss on a roll. this week was a fail. but it was my birthday, what did i expect? sooooo heres another tidbit.... i havent even told any of my freinds because i dont want to hear any lectures. i need to get it out so why not in my diary , right? lol

so i had mentioned that boy, that i met and then he never contacted me... i dont know if i mentioned that on that monday, i did message him..and ask him why his status on facebook said "bummed out".. he said he hasnt been having a good couple days.. then i asked why and dindt get a response back right away....... well then i said. " sounds like you have a lot on your plate, pr0obably why you flaked out on me, and ill leave you alone, hop you find what your looking for", then unfriended him........................ i thought i was being a direct woman, but,... maybe i was being a little too harsh??????/..................... anyways. so i didnt hear form him after that...hahahah..however.. alcohol is a beep, and i happened to message him on my bday saying ... hey why did we stop talking.........of course after feeling remorse, and embarrsment the nexxt day.. i was wondering if he would answer... well he did........... he said that he wouldnt mind seeing me again, and that he didnt mean to ignore me, he told me earlier that monday when we had plans, he wasnt goin to be able to make it, and then when i sent him that message he figured i never wanted to talk to him again, especially after i defriended him......... 

so now i feel lost. lol.. im not sure if im in the wrong or not.. he was also upset i called him a flake... but i didnt mean it in a way where i was throwing jabs at him.. i dont know.. i apologized for that, and he apologized for his actions. so he said hopefully we can put this water under the bridge and move on.. im only concerned because.. we havnet even hung out more then once and we already had our first, wierd, fight? well it wasnt a fight, a misunderstanding rather... i dont want to be stupid this time around but im not sure if i should be talking to him.. i genunily dont feel like he is a bad guy, which is why i think it bothered me so much when we werent talking.. however... when we talked again, it was a nice 2 hour talk... the next day, i messaged him first and he said he was really tired and would talk to me tommorow, ( which is today) i cant tell my freinds this because i already made the mistake of talkin crap about how he "ditched " me.. and now they have a sour taste in there mouth from it.. i need a non biased opininon.. any takers... should i go with the flow, does this kid like me still, or since i was to harsh to begin with has he just lost a little interest in  me now... am i overanalyzing.. hahahahahaha come on woman you know how it is!

Lord help me. I am so exhausted. :( I have had a trying week. THe not enough sleep, is probably the culprit to most of my lack of enery. I have so much stuff to do for my party tommorow. yet, i have no longing to clean or do anything. I hate stressing about stuff. So im litterly not. which is bad in a sense because i need to clean up before tommorow. need my nails and tanning done. I have an outfit but i need to buy a belt. i still need to buy a few items of makeup. bahhhhhh. im just sitting on the couch. relaxing..lol. im sure ill be up all night anyways , so i can altleast get some cleaning done. Most of my friends that are coming tommorow, are bringing there husbands. or boyfriends... THat stupid boy i met who acted so in love, was suppose to be my date. he seemed very eager to come to my Party bus. i really shouldnt care about it, since i didnt even know him. im not so sure its "him" who i am bummed about. I think its just the "not knowing why" i have learned not to question myself because its only my ego and insecurities that taunt and fog my mind... however. i am shocked at the actions of some people who have no consideration. as much as i like to keep my head up high because i know im a good catch, i have to admit , that sort of bruised my ego. Yesterday when i was trying out some cloths, i was not feeling it. i saw the old fat sarah. when days prior i saw a new sarah. how can one little stupid blow change my mind completely about how i look within days..lol its stupid. i just dont want this to affect my bday. Not over him , just that. i cant get a date..lol. i dont know , i need to snap out of it. tommorow is a big day for me. my closest friends are all going to be celebrating with me and i cant let a stupid glitch bother me. especially when deep down i know im a fabulous person, and everyone who matters knows that. if i could just exude positiivity it will come my way. i did overeat today.. but i havent done that in a long time. i always know when i overeat, im feeling something . so i just eat my feelings. well i guess i can be happy knowing that i havent had any problems in a long time becuase i havent overeating in forever.lol but today is over and i learned from it. it didnt help that everyone at work suprised me with a pizza party. i had a few peices. and half of a snickers bar... yikes! then i made cubed steak for dinner. soooo good. i was going to save my points for tommoroow since i will be drinking... but now i have to go to the gym for sure tommorow in the morning. for atlest 45 mins. it'll be better then nothing. i better start cleaning... 

 ok so today was awesome , 4 lbs down this week. woo hoo. i havent been to the gym for a few weeks due to an injury. so i just been extra careful about eating. however, i do want to get back to the gym. so im goin to try to go tommorow. ill start off slow again with some cardio till i can work my way up and do more extensive workouts. its been a  while so i dont want to jump into anything hardcore. I have been having issues with finding the right cloths to wear . nothing really fits me anymore. its too big and looks stupid. so i went over to my cousins house , who is doing weight watchers with me. i am now the weight she was when she first started. shes is like 140 now. she has so many nice work pants and jeans from 30 lbs ago that she pretty much gave me her wardrobe. a lot of the stuff is new or hardly worn but it hangs off her . i never thought she was big even when she wieghed as much as i do now. i think she may of carried her weight better than most. when she suggested i take her size 12 pants. i said , no i dont think im there yet. theyll be to small.. i tried every pair on , and they all fit like a glove! i was litterly shocked... an actual size 12 where im not stuffed in and feel uncomforable in! wow. i couldnt belive it and still cant. i never thought id ever be able to borrow any of her cloths in this lifetime. so that definitly felt very good. maybe im not as big as i think i am now... i guess mentally that will catch up to me soon. anyways. hopefully tonight i get a good night sleep. havnet been getting much of that lately... and its almost 2 am now.. so off to a great start..lol jk