I left Lionel's house at 4:30 this morning, after watching Bad Santa and Eurotrip. I really wish I knew how I felt about him. I think maybe I just want to be wanted by him. By someone. I liked how it was when he kissed me. I can't stop thinking about the way he kissed me, and I miss that. I've never felt that kind of power before. When I got to Sandy's the door was locked, so I slept in my car for 45 minutes before I froze my butt off. Then I woke them up. I haven't been getting very much sleep lately.

I also talked to Shaun last yesterday. I cried at him and told him how upset I was and how I felt about his decision. He's very unsympathetic. I do feel pretty good today about it. I was a lot easier to shrug it off, and face the fact that it's over and done with.

I babysat for Sandy for "an hour or two" that ended up being 4. Then I ent to Nathan's 3rd birthday party, which was boring. I took the girls to my grandma's to say hello and catch up a bit with her, grabbed dinner, and went to Mom's. She went out tonight, same as ever, and I made her talk to me about why she goes out every weekend. She told me about how stressed she is, she works hard, long hours and comes home to a crabby family and a messy house. The doctors still can't find what's wrong with her, so she's been tired all the time again. I tried to tell her about how I'm the victim because she owes the girls to be home, and owes me the money, but she did find her way to turn it around and make me feel guilty. Here it is, midnight, and she's still not home. She told me when I left Crystal's at 7 that she would only be out for a few hours. I feel so conflicted with my feelings about her. I want to feel bad for her, I want to let her know I'm upset and disappointed in her, and I want to understand her--all at the same time.

I also talked to Jessica a little bit today about church. I'm going to call her tomorrow to see if she wants to go with me and the girls tomorrow. I told her about how I felt about being able to "expand her horizons" if nothing else. Today I turned on Michelle's radio in her room and it was on the Christian channel. Then, on the way home, "I Can Only Imagine" by Mercy Me came on the radio. The girls liked the song, so we looked up the words and sang to a few other Christian-type songs and sang to the lyrics we looked up online. I love the feeling I get about spreading spirit to them.

Erin is at Ashley's big party tonight, and it seems like every time we talk lately one of us is upset. I told her earlier not to be upset if I don't answer my phone when she calls from the party b/c I don't want to have to yell. She called me and said I was being rude earlier when I told her "not to be obnoxious if I don't answer my phone." Way to put words in my mouth. And Jaime has been upset lately and I really haven't been able to be there for her. I wonder how good of a friend I really am, because I'm getting the vibe lately that I'm not living up to other people's expectations.

Last but not least, but habits have not changed at all today. I ate like crap, didn't drink any water, and didn't work on any other factors I've been meaning to work on. I want to learn how to be happy with myself and change the things I'm falling short of by my next birthday at the latest. I'm going to wash my face and brush my teeth so I can go to sleep as soon as Mom comes home...

Yesterday was my 20th birthday. By my 21st birthday, I want to be more confident with myself and be skinnier. I know that at this very point in my life. I want to be young and confident in myself and be able to attract other people. Since Shaun and I broke up, I have realized I need that for myself. I have to realize who I am.

I also recognize that at this current point in my life, as in this week and next. I am in Superior helping Sandy with her baby. She had heart problems last week and can't lift over 10 pounds. Because of this, I just eat what she feeds me. I've been trying to be more conscious of what I do eat; however, with all this birthday cake it's hard to be TOO good! :)

My feelings about Shaun change based on my mood at the time. He called yesterday and we talked for a few minutes, then he let me go because "his dad was calling OR SOMETHING." Stupid other girls make me mad.

I have spent the last few evenings with Lionel, and I'm picking him up tonight, too. I guess I'm not sure how I feel about him, either. I want him to like me and want me. And act towards me the way he has a few times before. That's a bad attitude to have. I love the way he makes me feel, though. He has a way of turning any situation around to put me on top.