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Day 51 completed successfully.  17 of 30 walks completed.

Yesterday was shaping up to be a very low calorie day, all the way up to date night around 8:30pm.  Then I started eating and eating and eating.  I still stayed under my calorie allowance for the day. 

The thought of temporary discomfort vs longer term discomfort has been going through my mind lately.  If I stay on track like this, I might be down to goal by the turn of the new year.  If I just stopped eating, I'd be down to goal weight in approximately 2 weeks.  Just a thought.......

On to conquer day 52...

Kombucha 50

Breakfast: pumpkin brownies 260, whipped cream 140. coffee 50. 

snack: bar 230 (very healthy bar) and tea decaf 

750.

Bus and train delays this AM, will have to leave 15min late today, but that's it...as commute will be messy...snow. 

Last night i got good sleep...tonight i'll exercise at home ;) once i get there! :) and after a coffee.

This day already seems difficult...  Feeling bloated...  Work has been a battlefield every day, usually with lenders or other attorneys...  Holiday stress is already getting to me with all this Black Friday talk...  I received a larger medical bill from when I hurt my back in summer 2017!  Insurance had appealed this, I guess, and so the $600 balance that I end up owing is DUE NOW.  I'm going to have to dip into savings to pay for that, because right now, my checking account has a little over $500 in it.  My back is tight -- probably from the stress -- and it's supposed to snow again today.  I had hoped that my son would mow the backyard today to mulch up all the fallen leaves.  

It just seems to all be piling up on me at once, and it feels overwhelming.

Well, a grumpy disposition will do nothing to solve that, so I might as well be cheerful and take one task at a time.  And all I can do is try to make the best food decisions for myself today.  The weekend, next week's class, the holidays, all of that will wait...  Right now, my focus is getting through today, as kindly and as cheerful as possible.

Grrr... Getting after it. Did lots of worthwhile things to be a functional adult again. I can do this. For the tally... A bunch of housekeeping things to get ready for the water to be turned off for 2 days tomorrow (city maintenance). Then I womaned up and handled personal business I have been slacking on. I am working every day to be worthy of the last 2 guys I met and was *almost* good enough for.

Although... It should be noted... I did get a nice good morning text from the crazy hot kickboxing instructor. But he has not made plans to see me, lol.

Did not keep track of my food today... getting a little lost without Rise so I need to restart that... Maybe next month. Breathe. One foot in front of the other.

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9:42pm... in bed. Dying for the kickboxing instructor to text me again but guess not.

Here’s what I think I ate today... 

B: 350 cal oatmeal, protein, nuts and fruit + seed mix and grated ginger

Snack: Peanuts 

B2: protein powder and espresso powder, only drank half

L: 1/2 chicken breast, bbq sauce, seeet potato, butter

Snack: 2/3 of a frozen pizza 

Snack: Strawberry lara bar with 1 ghiradelli dark chocolate squares

D: Chicken thigh, rice and seed mix, 2 cups broccoli with butter 

Kombucha but so minimal..not counting calories.

Healthy breakfast buffet I picked up bc running early and didn't have a good dinner: just YUM:

8:30am Egg whties huge portion scambled 150, sauteed broccoli 50, canadian bacon 100, roasted potatoes 150 (small amount).coffee 50 (from work):  500 cals only!

10am Snack: RXBar (not a major fan, but a good change of pace) 200

11am choc 70 really good from coworker

1pm lunch: chicken soup lots of chicken / veg 400, too many chips 200

almost 3pm fruit from coworker, a diff one! 100 :)

ok serious indulgence now.hummingbird cake. 450 cal? more? lots of icing, walnuts, it's rich.

5pm almonds 50.

around 7:45pm during errands still (small supermarket trip and to pick up a quick thing at the pharmacy) this cool natural bar and a sf drink 250

2200, good.

5day:

no workout tonight, bed early...not sure what to eat...i think laying light. protein bar / drink / bed.

219.5... YAY. I'm not going completely off track while I get my paperwork together.

Spent the day contemplating moving out. Friend from church needs a roommate and I offered her a temp sublet for a month or two so she can find someone... but it turns out she’s not renting the whole room by itself... she’s doing a sharing setup with multiple people in one room. She’s also trying to rent out her couch. Basically as many as 6 roommates at a time in a 2 bedroom condo. It sounds like escalating crazy and I don’t think it’s a good idea. She also doesn’t want anyone who is dating as a roommate. That’s not going to work, lol.

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Deleted all of the kickboxing instructor’s digital trail. It won’t work out... He doesn’t have his own place and I am on my parent’s couch still... and I’ve pretty much wrecked my life... so I’m not competitive enough. I’ll text back but I won’t bug him first anymore. He’s got more than enough going on without my complications.

I need to give myself a hug, get up and get back on track.

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Got a lot done today. Real progress. Feeling pretty good about that. Onwards and upwards.

Weeklies = 17

Dailies = 23

Breakfast = 3 Kodiak pancakes,  Spray butter, 1T lite aunt jemima syrup, 1 egg, 1 sausage patty, 2 C coffee = 477 calories and 13 WW points

Also...I made a 100 calorie mistake on last nights snack...but didn't want to bring yesterdays post back up to the top of the page so I corrected it in the comments.  Yesterdays calories were 1,282 ( which is exactly where I want it to be).

1 T of syrup is still getting on the plate.........I need to consider even less....funny how according to the bottle 1/4 Cup is a serving.

Well........I guess I won't be posting anymore pictures for a few........Friends are coming up and I don't want to be taking pictures in front of other people...LOL.......My holidays apparently just got started earlier than I figured.....Starting today....I guess I will be weighing in daily and just working on maintaining until the new year......luckliy I'm happy with the weight I am right now.....so no problems probably.  They eat very healthfully....( they are the ones that provided so much watermelon and so many cucmbers last summer, which we really enjoyed.)....anyway.......I will get back when I can......and hope to maintain until january 1st.

I'm getting a little ahead of myself, but I wanted to talk about this now, so that I can plan.  Having a plan is essential to weight-loss and/or maintenance ("After-Land").

Next week, with American Thanksgiving, starts about a month (a little bit more) of holiday eating:

• Thanksgiving
• Office holiday party - eating out (ugly Christmas Sweater Contest)
• Office holiday party - ordering in (give the boss his gift occassion)
• Christmas Eve
• Christmas Day
• Anniversary
• New Years Eve
• New Years Day

The year I got married, there were at least  additional 2 engagement shower-parties thrown into the mix, and by the end of the year, I was so sick of eating out.

My husband has already declared that holidays should not be Whole 30 or restrictive, but I don't agree with that, especially, since this has essentially become a lifestyle change for me.  My plan is to make the best choices possible, and whenever possible, have healthy or low-carb or keto side dishes.  My concern is that I may just decide to "pitch it" and throw abandon to the wind.  That happened a few years ago, and I gained back all the weight I had lost.  Oh my no, I cannot let that happen again.

Day 50 completed successfully (corrected number today).  17 of 30 walks completed.

Yesterday I needed to shake things up.  I've been getting frustrated with the way the scale has been dropping too slowly.  Since I've been getting frustrated with the status quo, something needed to change.  Either jump off the wagon and have a cheat day or double-down on the weightloss direction by changing my food intake.  The 49-50 day in a row streak is helping keep me working towards the weightloss direction, so I decided to change-up the food intake somewhat.

Yesterday was a lower-carb and lower-sodium day.  No popcorn, less salt, less calories, and no grapefruit yesterday.  Saw the drop in the scale number this morning that I wanted.  Yes, I know it's not "real", but it is something to provide additional motivation to stay on-track.  And being at an area of frustration lately, I needed something to increase my motivation.  I'm now back at having lost 100 lbs since I started this weightloss April 2017.

On to conquer day 51....

I've been very *thumbs down, fart noise* about what I've been eating lately. I haven't eaten more than I usually do, I think, but I haven't really been thinking about what I'm eating. I'm just... tired, man.

Today, the schools were closed around here, but I still had work. I worked a special event, international cooking with the kids, and helped a group of girls make chili and rice crispies squares. There was a lot of food, and I helped myself to almost everything that the other groups made. The kids ~*loved*~ the chili, a couple of kids ate four servings, but I think it came out too sweet. (Adding the ketchup was def. a mistake, I think.)

Afterwards, I went to the movies, finally. I saw Venom. It was okay.

Tomorrow, work. Tonight, I have a book to read. I promised to return it tomorrow, but I haven't gotten around to it yet. I've had it for a week, but *thumbs down, fart noise*. ... Maybe I can read/skim through it during work tomorrow? Probably not?

Kombucha 50, later coffee 50

Indian treat 340 from coworker from Bangladesh! very good! and tastes of my coconut brownie 60

after 10am snack: tbd 270 natural bar. balanced amount sugar, carbs, fats

Lunch: 230 chips, chicken breast 250, veggies 150 630,

3-4pm clem oranges 100

5pm salt and vinegar almonds 100

evening snacks small chocolate, fiber one bar, and a pumpkin brownie so good!

2000 total today :)

4day: 2225, better...

Walked around 2mi home :) then as i was walking a bus stopped seriously next to me, the door opened right beside me, and i got on for the rest of the way home! :) lol...

Stayed at work extra late till 7pm bc i wanted to finsih some extra work, as i was very distracted today :) I feel good about this.

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Regarding traveling w/ the friend and if i could trust her after what she said to me during our heated argument a couple years ago:

Ended up texting her and it turned into another heated argument over the phone yesterday afternoon where i reminded her what she said to me. She didn't recall saying everything that i told her because of course the words would have a greater affect on me, the receiver as they were about me. I forgave her, as she apologized saying it was because things were heated and that she didn't mean the words (that i'm a failure / failed teacher, embarass my dad every chance i get, amongst a few other things).  I forgave her, she admitted she said them only because things were heated, that she hadn't actually meant them or believed it to actually be the case with me. she said she hoped i didn't actually take her words to heart (of course i did) and she hoped i don't believe those words today (they still ring in my ear - especially when facebook reminded me thru one of the memory posts...).

i forgave her, explained how i do not know if what she says is truthful or not because she had said these things to me...that it's like being two-faced...i YELLED so loud thru the phone, making sure i could explain as well as possible what's going thru my head now.

she started to compare her friendship with me to mine with Ricky.....and i stopped that right away. i said, do not change the subject!...i explained there's no reason to bring him up - for MYSELF even to have or want to think about him...that she was practically giving me a headache. i said i wasn't eager to even discuss him. and so the topic eventually turned back to me and her....and the main important point....she did try to tell me how bad ricky is for me...but in the end, it's my decision if i'll ever speak with him again (i haven't yet)..

..but i told her to stay on the topic which is my friendship with her, not a comparison to Ricky...i said to her, do you really want me to start to have to compare you with Ricky? i said, you know he has some issues and problems...and i asked her, do you want me to start to think about you that way? i questioned her why she'd find it necessary to start to compare herself with other friends and how they treat me....i explained the situation was about me and her...she didn't yell once over the phone...only me....because i needed to get my points across.

there's a lot more we discussed.

early on she said i have changed....YES, I HAVE CHANGED!

my life has been so different these past almost 8 years in this field of work. Far away from my original line of work as a band teacher. too much has changed for me to remain the same in the least.

and my time is more precious than ever.

she did complain about mostly texting and not talking on the phone...and this is something i think that'll have to change a little in the friendship unfortunately the reason is my lack of time outside work especially during the week.  i just cannot devote myself to the phone calls as much as i did...i'll have to explain this to her at another point, because we didn't talk too much about that.

because of all the changes to my life especially the changes in my free time (the amount of it) outside work, i have to prioritize differently...a game per se - a game of give and take...or of priorities.

the only reason i have the home gym is that i don't even have the time anymore to want to or think to drive to the gym during the work week...it's just too much after a public transportation commute. it would cramp on the hours i'd like to be ASLEEP.

so many things have changed. i had to make changes to keep some things the same...like have a home gym if i want to keep exercising.

it's been a lot of change. i've had to change as my entire experiences have changed.

and this has affected my friendships and time managment.

and in turn, i cannot be the original Jackie she had as a friend years ago....tho i enjoy being her friend.

there's a lot more to this.

the argument we had ended positively and we were on the phone over 2 hours which worked out because it was a slow day for me as well as her.

so the friendship is better now. after much talking and discussion.

but it's true that what i'm able to give to the friendship has changed over time due to my own experiences and life changes. i know she's changed too, but the way we have both changed differs greatly stil.

EVENING UPDATE:  Today, I had just had it with the back-stabbing in my office, so I took out the mail and just kept on walking, walked around the block to clear my head.  It really helped bring my mind to a joyful place, to be outside in the morning, walking.

I still feel like I am eating too much during the day.  I know that part of this is because I am struggling to drink water like I did in the leaner, summer months.  I can do this with more focus; but, this week, it's been easier to reach for another snack than it is to drink.  PLUS, I am having some bathroom issues that need to resolve themselves soon.  That could be part of what is causing discomfort.

Queen Bee will be out of the office for most of the day tomorrow, doing marketing at real estate offices.  PRO:  the office will be so much quieter without her around.  CON:  she's taking The Girl who Makes a Million Mistakes with her, so I'll be the one answering phones, which makes it harder to get my own work done.  However, if I don't have much work to do, then it's OK because it will keep me busy.

Last thing tonight, I am happy Donkey tonight because The Great British Baking Show has uploaded a new season on Netflix, and I watched episode 1 with my daughter.  I look forward to watching the show with her.... and fantasizing over the food, LOL.

I ended up eating a lot more than I had planned yesterday.  Queen Bee made an announcement that the little fridge in our upstairs office would be cleaned out at 5pm, so I had to move my food to the large refrigerator downstairs, and making re-arrangements with what I ate.  I ended up eating 2 cheese sticks and no cottage cheese.  And, unrelated, I ended up eating the entire can of garbanzo beans - it was so yummy!  But way too many carbs.  I also ate the banana - which upon peeling, decided it was a LARGE banana, not a MEDIUM one - AND ALL of the grapes - again, way too many carbs and sugars.

So with all this extra eating, I hoped I would have more energy for my morning bike-ride, but alas, I still found myself having to push myself a little bit.  The performance was there, but the motivation was a little weak.  Still, got the job done.

Adjusted my evening de-stressing bike ride so that I accomplish my goals.  I think a 25 minute ride does the trick, and it's just long enough to get in most any episode of Golden Girls or any other sitcom or game show.

I am hoping to schedule the closing for a couple of really troublesome files today.  Also, next Tuesday, I will be home all day because I am taking an online state-required continuing education class for one of the licenses I hold.  Thanks to WiFi, I plan to view this seminar and still walk on the treadmill or ride my bike or chill out in my bedroom.  It's from 9am to 6pm.  Can you imagine sitting the whole time???  YIKES.

25 weeklies

23 dailies

Breakfast = 1 container Umpqua oats and 2 cups coffee = 301 calories 10 ww points

Lunch = deli ham and mustard on 2 slices 80 cal bread, pepper strips , grapes and diet vernors

552 calories and 9 WW points

 Dinner = Fage % yogurt and an orange, = 179 calories and 0 WW points

Total calories for the day = 932

Did get hungry in the evening and thought about how low todays calories were...and because I know what too low can do to metabolism...I decided to go ahead and eat more  although I have been working on not snacking...I will make more effort to get my calories and points in during the 3 meals......in the future......

Evening snack was 1 pkt of Quaker sandwich mini's Peanut Butter, and 1 pkg of Nature Vally oats and Honey granola bars

250 calories and 12 WW points

totals for the day are now 1,182 calories and 31 WW points = a safer calorie range

Day 48 completed.  17 of 30 walks completed. 

Have some regular work today.  

Was going to complain more about my scale weight not dropping like I think it should, based on yesterday's weighin of 188.  In this round of cutting, I initially touched 188 back on October 24th, which was 3 weeks ago.  So for yesterday's weighin to see 188 again after being 100% on-track for 21 additional days was depressing.  This morning's weighin of 185 calmed some of that irritation.  It's times like yesterday that make you question whether it's worth it or not.  When you don't see any visible progress and yet you've put in the time / effort, it's just hard to justify continuing on the path.  Yet seeing today's number at 185 gives me some hope.  Three lbs in 3 weeks isn't what I'd ideally like, but is at least worth the effort in my mind.  

Yesterday I was thinking about shaking things up with a drastic move just to see the scale numbers move.  Today with the lower number, I'm feeling less inclined to change things up.  I know if I stayed away from salt / popcorn for a day or two, I'd probably see a drop in the number.  But of course the numbers would climb again when I ate popcorn / salt again.  And I love my popcorn with heavy salt / seasoning.

Maybe a few low-carb days just to mix things up?

On to conquer day 49....

No weigh in today... Not enough sleep and forgot to do it. I did get back down to 220 over the weekend. Fell off track a bit with sleep, eating and exercise Fri night - Sunday... But I am back on track today. Got up at 3am and couldn’t get back to sleep... but I walked my dog to the park, drank lots of water, ate my oatmeal, and next I will bike to the store to get my dog her favorite bagels.

Made some progress yesterday on paperwork. Getting back to being a functional adult.

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6:30pm. Spent the day not terribly productive, except for 2 dog walks and a bike ride. Cannot get guy from Friday night off my mind. He is literally occupying all the available space in my brain. Those must be some pheromones... Or it was the secondhand nicotine. Geez. Who was OOMLG? What was so great about him? I don't remember. Something something. What did he even look like? Seems hazy.

Fighting off the urge to down an entire pizza to bury inconvenient emotions.

One foot in front of the other. Logging here as I go for "virtual" company as I conquer paperwork tasks that are between me and getting to know a super tall, super hot kickboxing instructor that thinks I'm adorable.

7am Tasty Breakfast: 2 smallish pumpkin choc chip brownies 260, with larger serving whipped cream 140, kombucha 50.

8:30am 2% greek yogurt, chai latte stevia, cinnamon 150

9:30 just bigger hunger lately, so i ate something satisfying: 2 pieces salami 50, egg and egg white 100, 1/4 avocado 80, wrap 100. 330.

...now def waiting till lunch time for the next eats...planning on a cheesy riced cauliflower by bird's eye in my freezer.

1:30pm lunch: salami 100 (because it's around and fast), 1/4 avocado 100, 2 corn cakes 150. 350.

2:30 snacking leading into workout 120 choc chip fiber 1 cookie and caffeine 

4pm tasting the chicken soup 100, banana 100, strawberries after workout 50

caulifower crust 300 and more soup veggies 100, i think going to indulge in a brownie.150

2200...good!

3 day: 2300....EXCELLENT.

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I was totally again thinking to go to gym today....but decided, again - just like what happened Saturday, on a home workout. just set on staying home for the whole day :) There's simply no good reason to leave my apt...it's cold out & i'd much rather stay home & save time by skipping out on driving to gym....yes :) and that leads to more time to probably spend cleaning the tub / bathroom as i should! it's about time! ;)

Catching up on some cleaning today - Hamster cage, i swiffered the floors and vacuumed the rugs...i should clean the bathroom a bit, but, it might wait again...lol. laundry is put away. very organized for the week.

i will get in a weights workout tonight at home. laying off a lot of cardio this week, until ankle and legs feel close to 100%.  i was very slightly sore in my thighs from the walk, it didn't bother my ankle at all.

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Happy Monday !!! I woke up around 7am because i went to bed before 8! i was so tired after the walk maybe i was feeling that way because it was also so cold out which potentially can wear you down?

Either way, Yeserday was sooo much fun! I'd never walked the bridge, and still didn't actually finish :( because our route went 2/3 over the bridge and turned around so anyone parking at the site would be routed directly back :) a good idea, i'd say :) If it was nicer weather, it'd be fun to walk all the way over the bridge from Manhattan to Brooklyn and enjoy lunch at a restaurant there after and stay in Brooklyn. But, being that i was so tired and all, it was better how it worked out and that i'd be able to come home yesterday with time to do laundry and get organized so that today i can relax a little bit again and also cook Chicken Soup in the crockpot since i'm home in honor of Veteran's Day holiday off from work :) 

33 weeklies

23 dailies

Breakfast = 2 cups coffee, Fage 0% yogurt, blueberries from frozen

168 calories and 0 WW points

Lunch was full of nutrition and full of calories and ww points...this is why I had a zero breakfast...I knew lunch was going to be high.  Loads of veggies and good fats....so I'm happy.

1 johnsonville brat, 1 whole avocado, 1 sweet potato, spray butter, leftover cabbage, carrot, onion and red pepper saute, a few peas, diet vernors

833 calories, 31 WW points

Lunch is still sticking with me...and it was a lot of calories...so since I'm not hungry then I'm not going to eat just because it's dinner time.....

TODAY

1,201 calories and 31 WW points

Kinda missing not taking that 3rd picture.....I even considered eating an orange so there would be a 3rd picture.........now that is CRAZY......I'm not hungry.......still drinking the vernors and still sipping water.....settling in for some TV now.

While I feel better today, if not a bit sleepy, I have no motivation to go to work this morning.  None whatsoever.  So I thought I'd log in while I wait for my raw broccoli to dry off a bit after cleaning.

I went to bed early last night -- 8:15pm?  But husband was watching TV, so that kept interrupting my sleep.

On Saturday, I bought some nice treats for the work week:  Fage Greek yogurt (plain) 5% milkfat, cottage cheese 4% milkfat,  more cheese sticks, and a small flavored creamer for those afternoons that are difficult.  Yesterday, I had the yogurt for lunch.  Today, I am taking some of the cottage cheese.  I still have 2 cheese sticks at work, so I'll keep my pack at work until I'm out.  And the creamer is coming with me today.

Here's a look at my food menu today:

• Early morning wake-up while working out:  Coffee w/creamer & collagen
• Breakfast:  protein bar, coffee w/ collagen and either creamer or half & half
• 2nd Breakfast:  medium banana & 1/2 cup cottage cheese
• Lunch:  1/2 acorn squash w/1 TBSP of butter, 1/2 cup garbanzo beans, maybe raw grapes (need to get eaten soon). Coffee w/creamer after my walk, to get me through the afternoon.
• Snack:  raw brocccoli & baby carrot sticks with either ranch salad dressing and/or cheese stick. 
• Dinner:  TBD, but most likely will include salad.
• After dinner:  decaf w/flavored creamer

Day 47 completed successfully.  17 of 30 walks completed.

I headed to bed last night at 8pm.  Messed around on a tablet until going to sleep at 9pm.  Woke up at 2am.  Checked my phone / email.  Then decided to get up for the day.  Have got a lot accomplished with everything being quiet and no outside world interuptions.  I'm sure I'll be grumpy / tired by this afternoon.

Some regular work to accomplish this morning, then just working on the software transfer stuff to the new computer system.  Think I might actually be done with the majority of the computer transfer by the end of today.

On to conquer day 48...

2 small pumpkin brownies 230 total. Coffee 70. 300. peanut butter 100

Wrap 300 popcorn 100. 400 150 huge apple 

sorta light lunch, but i doubt calories were accurate? entire beef hamburger from Shake Shack. 400 ? really!? that's it? 450-500 is more like it?

back at home, doing laundry and relaxing the rest of tonight with an early bedtime :) few strawberries 50, some raspberries 100 and some sf drinks.

...and relaxing the rest of today at home, glad i could take care of laundry now.

5:30 dinner: salami 100, napa cabbage and broth 100, tortilla chips and avocado 350. 550 total...dessert: pumpkin choc chip brownie, by far my FAVORITE!!!!!!!!!!! 150 cal only, small piece.

7pm and 1 more pumpkin choc chip brownie 100 smaller piece! sooooo darn good!!!!!!!!!

2350-2400 total...maybe a hair more but counting on sleep early, too tired to do much else today.

2day avg: 2350, fine...been pretty active.

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Chicken soup will have to wait until tomorrow....since i'm not sure i'll be up enough hours today to pack it away out of the crockpot lol. so tomorrow i'll cook it.

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have to be somewhere close, just under 10 min walking, at 7:45 today. meeting friend to go downtown near WTC area and brooklyn bridge for the "Kidney Walk" fundraiser for all Kidney Diseases.

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24 pumpkin brownies, small size, 130 cal each. i had two of them at 2am lol...230 cals. too much caffeine in afternoon finally affected me, so i'm up a little at night, it's ok...still have two days left of this weekend :)  the brownies are better at room temp...so, they'll be good this week for work breakfasts.  they are less good straight outta the fridge bc using almond flour, they are a bit dry since the recipe called for whole wheat flour, not almond. i still like them...def cannot share since i was eating out of the pumpkin puree all week and it's the same puree in these brownies lol.

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NEEDING TO VENT SOON ABOUT ISSUES MAKING PLANS. UNRELIABLE FRIEND. AND SAME FRIEND WISHES ME TO MAKE THE PLANS FOR A GROUP BC SHE'D RATHER GO WITH ME SOMEWHERE AS A GROUP!? LISTEN, IF YOU WANT A GROUP TRIP, BE ACTIVE ON IT.  IT'S A FRIENDSHIP I'VE REKINDLED BUT THAT I'M NOT CLOSE WITH HER ANYMORE. FOR THIS REASON. THERE'S SOME LACK OF TRUST IN THIS FRIENDSHIP. USED TO BEST FRIENDS, BUT NOW, I REALIZE MAKING PLANS WITH HER IS SO HARD....THAT I SHOULDN'T REACH OUT ANYMORE FOR TRIPS...TRIPS WERE ALWAYS HARD WITH HER...AND WELL, I'M REMINDED WHY SHE'S NOT MY BEST FRIEND ANYMORE. THIS IS A WOMAN WHO TOLD ME IN THE PAST THAT I'M A FAILURE. THIS IS WHY THE FRIENDHSIP ENDED. BC I TOLD HER I NEED A BREAK...AND SHE TOLD ME I'M A FAILURE AND EMBARASSMENT TO MY FATHER EVERY CHANCE I GET.

HER LACK OF UNDERSTANDING THAT I TRY TO DO THINGS AND PLANS FOR US AND THAT I GO OUTTA MY WAY AT TIMES....

RIGHT, THAT'S WHY SHE'S ONE OF THE GROUP...AND WHY I SHOULDN'T HANG OUT WITH HER ONE ON ONE...OR GO ON A TRIP WITH HER ALONE.

SO, NOW THAT 'VE THOUGHT IT OUT, ABOUT THINKING TO GO ON A TRIP WITH HER JUST US, YOU HAVE MY WORD THAT I'LL NEVER DO IT.

SHE'S STILL A FRIEND, BUT NOT A FRIEND ENOUGH THAT I'LL TRAVEL ONLY WITH HER. I'M NOT SURE IF SHE'S FAKE OR REAL WITH ME AND HOW MUCH I CAN TRUST HER. 

AFTER ALL, SHE TOLD ME ON THE PHONE I'M A FAILURE. SO, EVEN IF HER WORDS WERE SAID IN ANGER, I NEVER EVER SAID ANYTHING LIKE THAT TO HER. AND THAT'S THE DIFFERENCE. I'LL ALWAYS REMEMBER HER WORDS TILL MY DEATH BED.IF SHE'S READING THIS, LET HER KNOW HOW HURTFUL THOSE WORDS WERE! CAN YOU IMAGINE!

THE REASON I REMEMBER THIS TODAY IS THAT I HAD A MEMORY ON FB WHERE I WAS VENTING ABOUT THIS SITUATION.

FRIENDS BRING EACH OTHER UP...I ASKED HER ABOUT A POSSBILE SUMMER TRIP...AND SHE FIRST SAYS SHE'D LIKE TO GO WITH A GROUP....WHICH IS FINE. BUT, I'M NOT DOING ALL THE PLANNING OF THIS GROUP THING...

LISTEN, I JUST KNOW. I KNOW BASED ON THE PAST. SO, YEAH. 

ANNOYED SLIGHTLY AT MYSELF FOR EVEN ASKING HER TO GO ON A TRIP. 

I HAVE FRIENDS THAT TRAVEL, THAT WOULD JOIN 1 ON 1 AND THAT I CAN VISIT, I'LL STICK WITH THAT OR GROUP TRIPS INVOLVING THIS PERSON...BUT NEVER JUST THIS ONE WOMAN. 

TOO MUCH HARD FEELINGS / MEMORIES AT STAKE..

LEARNING FROM MY MISTAKES, THIS IS WHERE I AM AT AT THIS MOMENT OF EMOTION TONIGHT.