I'll be honest, I'm feeling super depressed today. I was really feeling like I had this weight thing under control. I wasn't bingeing the last few days and as a result I felt so positive. But this morning it looks like I might have put on yet another pound, my scale was acting kind of wonky but after I recalibrated it it went up to 124.4. I've just never weighed this much since my early 20s. Sigh. I know, it's not the end of the world, but it just takes over your mind. I also recognize I'm not being very realistic. Eating horribly last week and then a couple of normal calorie days is of course not going to make my weight go down. And obviously as soon as I started trying to figure out how I will diet today in a lower calorie way, immediately makes me want to start snacking and over eating.

sorry for the downer attitude and lack of comments to everyone. I just need to get my s@&t straightened out here, cuz I'm totally feeling like I'll never get this under control. 

Breakfast: avocado wrap 80 bacon 80 egg 80 Pb 40 banana 50 pancake 70=400

Lunch: cabbage/ground Turkey/rice/cheese 300 pizza 200 cake pop 100 with black coffe approx 600

Snack: (stress eating really): Pb crackers 300

appetizer: margarita 50 smoked salmon /crackers 150 

Dinner: perogie 100 ham 100 sweet potato fries 200 broccoli, cauli, carrots steamed 60 (had to estimate) 460

dessert: cake pop and ice cream, black decaf 250

Total 2160

i had 4 diet pops today too. I know most ppl think they're gross but I love them lol. I usually don't have so many but I bought a few cases of different ones like Fresca, cherry coke, caffeine free, sprite and had them all readily available in the fridge. 

Thank you all for your understanding and advice in the comments! I have tried just about everything in terms of mind tricks to keep my calorie counts under control, be it keeping to a limit, high limits, low limits, meals only, varying amounts per meal, eating whatever I want, desserts after the three meals, waiting to eat until noon, and on and on. It might have worked for a day or two, but now I'm fully surrendering to a very slow process and believing that if I get my overeating/WTH effect eating under control, my weight will Likely take care of itself. Most of how I've been feeling is definitely pandemic related, as I'm really very happy with my life and consider myself to be so blessed. But we are in a pretty severe lockdown with nowhere to go and nothing to do, so I've been going a little crazy.   However it's amazing how just getting my eating under control makes everything else infinitely better.

The husband let me sleep in which I never do bc I'm a morning person and usually jump up at the first bit of alertness I feel, like even 430-5am at times. I did wake up around then but read for a bit as did he, we went back to sleep. I woke up bc I could smell coffee sitting next to me. I never really have such leisurely mornings so hopefully this is a sign of a good day.

breakfast - I made pancakes and coffee approx 400 

Lunch - cabbage beef 125 rice 60 cheese 50 apple 100 pizza 300 cake pop 50=685

Total so far 1085

 Few raw veg/crystal light - negligible 

appetizers of smoked salmon/little cream cheese/triscuits 100 vodka martini/olives 70 cooked veg 25=195

dinner tacos 400 bite lamb 30 naan 250 =680

candy 35 cake 45=80

Total 2040 that's fine ITS NOT A BINGE! :) 

Again, I wasn't going to journal here today because I'm just in a foul mood, feeling confused, angry, lost...then I noticed I had comments on yesterday's entry. You lifted my spirits and invigorated me to try, try again and just keep plugging away. THANK YOU!!!

I woke up wondering what "plan" I will do, THE plan that will finally work etc etc. 
I already could feel my anxiety rising with food, getting short with the kids.  I don't want to be like this! After reading your comments, I realized no more of this. NO MORE. If I'm putting on way right now, I should just be focussing on getting my eating under control and not even worrying about losing weight right now. But it seems after I do reasonably well for one day, the next day Immediately want to start a lower calorie diet. I think I need to fight that urge because it always back fires.

I will take HOP's  advice and start to eat frequently, in a planned way. I think I will also try Bears reward with some kind of dessert at night. I mean my husband does this all the time, of course he doesn't struggle with his weight and always works out. He's the three meal a day kind of guy and has always been slim and muscular. At some point in time I was successful doing it that way, but I guess I need to live in the here and now, not what used to work. I think I was most happiest with both my weight and my eating when I combined intuitive eating and calorie counting, meaning I ate when I was hungry and just kept track of the calories.

I'm already feeling better and more hopeful. I really need to focus on this. No diet, and also no overeating. I need to get to a middle ground. A place where I eat normally. Maybe I should not weigh myself because when I don't see progress I tend to want to diet and it backfires badly.

I really need to get this under control because I can see that my setpoint is changing. This morning I weighed in close to 125 pounds. I have not weighed this, oh my goodness, well over 10 years.

Maybe I'll try to keep track of my food here today. That little bit of external pressure and conscious knowledge that I need to write it down here might help me from just picking at food without really knowing what I'm eating. 
 

6am: black coffee

*had a bit more coffee not much and few sips tea 

8:30am: one hard boiled egg - 80

11am: cabbage with vegan "ground beef" and also real ground Turkey - 175

2pm: couple baby carrots, 1/2 yogurt drink, can tuna - 120

2:30: taco/some cheese - 200

3:30: Chcolate 125 

total so far=700

6pm: pizza (600) chicken (200) rice (200) martini (40) wine (25) lemonade (50) =1115

Total: 1815

few candies, maybe around 1900- I'll take it, Better than binging  

Higher than I was expecting but dinner I started to eat without thinking. my daughter has a friend over and that always makes a little anxious/can't relax, and I start to overeat. But can't complain a much better day than normal.  

I wasn't gonna bother writing today because I have nothing positive to say, I can't do good for more than one day, it's just embarrassing. I feel like absolute crap. Sigh. It's so hard being home with nothing to do. I can't pass the time working out, watching tv, cleaning or organizing because I'm alone with 3 small kids who constantly need me. So I'm hanging around the kitchen where they're working/playing and I EAT.  I somehow decided I'm sick of not weighing what I want and thought I'd go back to 3 meals while calorie counting to 1200. Well if that didn't send me off on a binge. All day. Don't know the count at all. I'm exhausted, desperate, frustrated. I love reading how Bear is doing her dessert at night as a reward, and I'm thinking yes exactly it sounds SO amazing!!! But I never make it that far to get to a reward. I "reward" myself all day SMH. When I do well, it makes the days so much happier and easier to get through. I look forward to my meals. I feel amazingly accomplished if I don't overeat. So why do I do this? The other night I looked at the wine and thought, man, that would taste good right now and be so relaxing. But immediately realized it won't feel good in 5 minutes when someone needs me, or I have to intervene a little spat between them, then that relaxed feeling will turn on me and it'll be harder to get up and deal with real life stuff. Why is it so easy for me to moderate and behave appropriately/make good decisions with literally everything other than eating?

Hello Diet Friends!

I am trying to take the advice you've given as well as looking at things that work you to help myself along. I can't treat myself like I am incapable of this. I want to snack so badly this morning, but I told myself it will lead to nowhere good, I've had enough and need to wait. There is of course nothing wrong with a snack, but what I am referring to is the constant picking at stuff, not planned/sat down to eat. The kind where I end up at 800 before lunch.

I might try to not use My Fitness Pal. I've grown to like it, but back in the day when I was 112 consistently I didn't use it. More like Jacky, I just kept a tally in my head or used an app called Carrot which was just a really fast way to record, if you're already familiar with calorie counts. Like talking 2 seconds to jot it down and it keeps the tally for you. 

I tend to do better if I wait to eat until a bit later in the morning, but I made low cal french toast right at 8am. Then got stressed hustling kids here and there, on their computers etc and downed a banana with lil pb. Then i snacked on a few bites of a clif bar. Damage is about 300 right now. I will wait until lunch now! Only 2 hours away. I can do this. Made some kombucha for effectively 0 calories. Sometimes I think I just need that "oral fix" so to speak. Something to do with my hands, something toput in my mouth.

 Dusting myself off and just recording my food intake now. No limit in particular but obviously the goal would be to not overeat, rather to undereat  by a little. I seem to rebel against any sort of rules even very very liberal rules like 1600 calories. So the past couple days I just made sure to get at least some estimates down in my fitness pal and both days were around the 1800-1900 mark. I got a real kick in the butt after seeing my weight start to climb towards 123. Anyways just ensuring to keep records of my calorie count for the weekend brought it down to 121. Now to keep going...

ive already started constantly picking at food this morning because of boredom and feeling stuck. Kids are virtual learning again as COVID numbers in Toronto area are bad. I did manage to get my shot this weekend though bc I'm a teacher.  No side effects at all for me (unless you count slight soreness on that arm where they injected. Barely noticeable). 
 

okay, it's only 10:20 am and I am already at almost 800 calories..smack my head!

It's interesting. Yesterday, my brain started to play little tricks on me..like "how about just counting to 1600 cals every day, do not go over, start walking more" like reasonable, supposedly easy goals. Suddenly the idea of restriction chokes me and I can't do it anymore. I start to eat extra stuff, I stop counting calories and it just goes off the deep end as I dig into Easter candy.

I started reading a book called Thin side out: How to have your cake and your skinny jeans too. While I am not sure I can totally do an intuitive eating approach (she calls it Hunger Directed Eating), certain things really resonate with me. She talks of Non-Hunger Eating Like, "eating cuz you ate". You go a little overboard at dinner, or have a couple of the kids cookies, think you've blown it and then keep going because you can start again tomorrow. I do this all the time. I don't remember how I used to not be like this when I happily maintained.   Apparently this isn't to do with food specifically, it also happens with gambling, shopping, drugs, alcohol, where a small infraction can make you binge. Anyways, it seems the people who don't use food to cope engage in something called task-oriented coping. They take direct action to deal with problems. The focus on solving. People who use food to cope engage in emotion-oriented avoidant coping behaviours. Yup, I often soothe myself with food because I don't want to deal with the problem (I sorta struggle with anxiety) so I focus my efforts on changing my feelings. Temporarily, junk food can make you feel better!

Anyways, today I somehow decided to try a 1200 cal diet one more time, which promptly almost backfired after lunch. I had an extra protein bar, and going over my allotment sent me wanting to binge. I stopped myself, and remembered why maybe I need to just stick to my original plan. 

Hello friends!

I saw after the fact that a few of you posted some comments on last entry. Thank you for the encouragement! 

I think what happens is I stop doing well, often the same day I post, and then I feel stupid to have to report that, so I don't post for awhile. I've been doing a little "diet soul searching" and came to a conclusion. I've been to this conclusion many times before but never made much out of it. Like HoP said, I am trying to eat too few calories. I guess the problem was that no matter what I did I kept screwing up over and over and over..to the tune of being at the same weight give or take a few lbs going on 3 years. I succumb to the'I'll start over' mentality every day just about. Many times I have thought before, if I am going to be 120 anyways, shouldn't I at least have some sanity then. I don't want to be 120. But I am also unable to move it. I think this is where I stand now. My only goal is to not binge/say screw it and start overeating/start over tomorrow and stop counting etc. THAT IS MY ONLY GOAL. From much trial and error with dieting over the decades, I know that I do like counting calories and it's easy for me. I have gotten into My Fitness Pal and it is really does make it easy to calculate. If I set any kind of rules to my eating, it always always backfires. It triggers something in my brain. So, there is no fail other than the what-the-hell effect type behaviour. Ideally, I want to keep my calories under 2000, because that seems to be an average amount for females and I know I definitely am not averging that, so it would be progress. I'm not sure I have much choice anyways. I am not losing weight the way it stands, despite my most earnest attempts. What's the bothering me the most these days is this feeling of out of control behaviour. If I get this licked I think i would be tremendously happier with myself. So, that's where things stand. I started this mentality over the easter weekend, and once I thought of it mid-party LOL I stopped with the constant picking at food. I did normal yesterday. I actually went to bed feeling empty and normal. Around 1700 calories. 

I am trying to eat when I am hungry, have what I want, and just remember NO BINGING. That is my focus and I think the only thing that will make any difference for me. SO far, I feel infinitely better. Maybe even start doing a little workout eventually. 

Hello Everyone!

Terribly sorry for just disappearing every so often! Thing are just BUSY lol. Work has picked up a ton (I just supply teach, but for a decade was a full time teacher until I quit to raise my 3). My twins turn 5 on the weekend. Can't even believe it. I am planning a party with just a little family. We are behind on vaccines in Canada, but it looks like my moms age group is finally coming up - relief. 

Weight wise....yeeahhh....Not good. Too much to explain, but I was just going down a bad path and feeling so stressed. My husband told me to forget the DietBet, he doesn't care at all about the money..just move on. It was no good at all for my mental health. It took a looooong while to actually accept truly 100% that i wouldnt keep trying to make the goal. I am finally at the point where I un-doubtedly know it was causing me to do WORSE. The money is already gone and not missed. Time to just focus on lasting changes. The problem has been I don't know what to do anymore - nothing works. No matter what "plan" it is - even just counting calories at a normal maintenance range, I'll giveup and start overeating. Yeah, it's bad. For whatever reason, I maintain my weight at 120ish regardless of the overeating. I tried to just accept being here, but that hasn't worked either. 

I am going back to what worked very well for awhile, but just be less strict. Only eating at mealtimes, counting the calories in them. Weekends can be higher. Mistakes will happen and just keep, keepin' on. In recent times, when I just have my limit of say 1600, I have been getting close to my limit and then just having a "what-the-hell" moment where I stop counting and snack, snack, snack. I tend to snack all day too, if I am not very highly focused on meals. So, I think this way is better for me, at the current mind state I'm in.

I kind of like my general rule of 300,400,500. Only 1200 calories but leaves wiggle room for error, walking to get a random ice cream or donut after dinner when hubby happens to come home early,  plus i need to factor in weekends which are usually heavier. Hopefully, there might be some success in this. 

Work until noon, then off to get party stuff done!

Breakfast: my mom made fresh veggie/bean soup (100), egg mixed with egg whites (110), avocado (70), spray oil (20) = 300

Lunch: bagel 200, deli meat 85, veg 10, half protein bar 100 = 395

Dinner: soup 50, yogurt with sf pudding powder & coconut whip 150, oatmeal 120, chocolate 150, fruit 30 = 500

And that's it folks. Finally a good day. Dinner was stress eating, but managed to not binge..still need to cook for husband.