- Wednesday Apr 07, 2021
It's interesting. Yesterday, my brain started to play little tricks on me..like "how about just counting to 1600 cals every day, do not go over, start walking more" like reasonable, supposedly easy goals. Suddenly the idea of restriction chokes me and I can't do it anymore. I start to eat extra stuff, I stop counting calories and it just goes off the deep end as I dig into Easter candy.
I started reading a book called Thin side out: How to have your cake and your skinny jeans too. While I am not sure I can totally do an intuitive eating approach (she calls it Hunger Directed Eating), certain things really resonate with me. She talks of Non-Hunger Eating Like, "eating cuz you ate". You go a little overboard at dinner, or have a couple of the kids cookies, think you've blown it and then keep going because you can start again tomorrow. I do this all the time. I don't remember how I used to not be like this when I happily maintained. Apparently this isn't to do with food specifically, it also happens with gambling, shopping, drugs, alcohol, where a small infraction can make you binge. Anyways, it seems the people who don't use food to cope engage in something called task-oriented coping. They take direct action to deal with problems. The focus on solving. People who use food to cope engage in emotion-oriented avoidant coping behaviours. Yup, I often soothe myself with food because I don't want to deal with the problem (I sorta struggle with anxiety) so I focus my efforts on changing my feelings. Temporarily, junk food can make you feel better!
Anyways, today I somehow decided to try a 1200 cal diet one more time, which promptly almost backfired after lunch. I had an extra protein bar, and going over my allotment sent me wanting to binge. I stopped myself, and remembered why maybe I need to just stick to my original plan.
- Monday Apr 05, 2021
I saw after the fact that a few of you posted some comments on last entry. Thank you for the encouragement!
I think what happens is I stop doing well, often the same day I post, and then I feel stupid to have to report that, so I don't post for awhile. I've been doing a little "diet soul searching" and came to a conclusion. I've been to this conclusion many times before but never made much out of it. Like HoP said, I am trying to eat too few calories. I guess the problem was that no matter what I did I kept screwing up over and over and over..to the tune of being at the same weight give or take a few lbs going on 3 years. I succumb to the'I'll start over' mentality every day just about. Many times I have thought before, if I am going to be 120 anyways, shouldn't I at least have some sanity then. I don't want to be 120. But I am also unable to move it. I think this is where I stand now. My only goal is to not binge/say screw it and start overeating/start over tomorrow and stop counting etc. THAT IS MY ONLY GOAL. From much trial and error with dieting over the decades, I know that I do like counting calories and it's easy for me. I have gotten into My Fitness Pal and it is really does make it easy to calculate. If I set any kind of rules to my eating, it always always backfires. It triggers something in my brain. So, there is no fail other than the what-the-hell effect type behaviour. Ideally, I want to keep my calories under 2000, because that seems to be an average amount for females and I know I definitely am not averging that, so it would be progress. I'm not sure I have much choice anyways. I am not losing weight the way it stands, despite my most earnest attempts. What's the bothering me the most these days is this feeling of out of control behaviour. If I get this licked I think i would be tremendously happier with myself. So, that's where things stand. I started this mentality over the easter weekend, and once I thought of it mid-party LOL I stopped with the constant picking at food. I did normal yesterday. I actually went to bed feeling empty and normal. Around 1700 calories.
I am trying to eat when I am hungry, have what I want, and just remember NO BINGING. That is my focus and I think the only thing that will make any difference for me. SO far, I feel infinitely better. Maybe even start doing a little workout eventually.
- Thursday Mar 25, 2021
Terribly sorry for just disappearing every so often! Thing are just BUSY lol. Work has picked up a ton (I just supply teach, but for a decade was a full time teacher until I quit to raise my 3). My twins turn 5 on the weekend. Can't even believe it. I am planning a party with just a little family. We are behind on vaccines in Canada, but it looks like my moms age group is finally coming up - relief.
Weight wise....yeeahhh....Not good. Too much to explain, but I was just going down a bad path and feeling so stressed. My husband told me to forget the DietBet, he doesn't care at all about the money..just move on. It was no good at all for my mental health. It took a looooong while to actually accept truly 100% that i wouldnt keep trying to make the goal. I am finally at the point where I un-doubtedly know it was causing me to do WORSE. The money is already gone and not missed. Time to just focus on lasting changes. The problem has been I don't know what to do anymore - nothing works. No matter what "plan" it is - even just counting calories at a normal maintenance range, I'll giveup and start overeating. Yeah, it's bad. For whatever reason, I maintain my weight at 120ish regardless of the overeating. I tried to just accept being here, but that hasn't worked either.
I am going back to what worked very well for awhile, but just be less strict. Only eating at mealtimes, counting the calories in them. Weekends can be higher. Mistakes will happen and just keep, keepin' on. In recent times, when I just have my limit of say 1600, I have been getting close to my limit and then just having a "what-the-hell" moment where I stop counting and snack, snack, snack. I tend to snack all day too, if I am not very highly focused on meals. So, I think this way is better for me, at the current mind state I'm in.
I kind of like my general rule of 300,400,500. Only 1200 calories but leaves wiggle room for error, walking to get a random ice cream or donut after dinner when hubby happens to come home early, plus i need to factor in weekends which are usually heavier. Hopefully, there might be some success in this.
Work until noon, then off to get party stuff done!
Breakfast: my mom made fresh veggie/bean soup (100), egg mixed with egg whites (110), avocado (70), spray oil (20) = 300
Lunch: bagel 200, deli meat 85, veg 10, half protein bar 100 = 395
Dinner: soup 50, yogurt with sf pudding powder & coconut whip 150, oatmeal 120, chocolate 150, fruit 30 = 500
And that's it folks. Finally a good day. Dinner was stress eating, but managed to not binge..still need to cook for husband.
- Friday Feb 26, 2021
I don't know how a couple weeks have already passed since i posted. My weight is pretty much holding constant - sigh. I did do really well for a week or so, then things usually crack and I am right back where I started. I've tried moderate, I've tried severe and always end up back in the same place. Ah, well. What else is there to do but keep moving forward right!? I decided to not worry about this months weigh in for Diet Bet. I am gearing up to just hopefully make it by the end.
Recently, this has had the most consistent adherence: 300 cals for Breakfast, 400 for lunch, 500 for dinner = 1200. I find if I just eat when I'm hungry and add it up throughout the day, I'm always looking for something to pick at. A little of this, little of that. It works great for maintenance, but I just can't lose doing it.
Yesterday I re-started this and did great. I am supply teaching today and it's Friday so everything is looking up :) Now to be patient...and most importantly, consistent!
Pure Protein Bar- peanut butter chocolate flavour (so good, my fav one so far) (200) + Yogurt (100) = 300
Spaghetti squash mixed with pasta sauce, sour cream, franks hot sauce and broiled with mozzarella. Loved this super tasty. 200
Crispy Minis dill flavour 90
Black starbucks french roast with 2 Enjoy Life Gingerbread cookies (110)
- Tuesday Feb 09, 2021
I have been very busy. Kids are back at school and while that's good, it's an adjustment. My oldest was crying and not happy, while a really great kid usually, she's been more difficult the last couple days. This will pass but it's taking up a lot of my energy. Twins are being dolls, though.
Luckily I have really felt in the zone with my eating. WHen I feel like this, I really have to capitalize on it. I have come to the realization that eating at a deficit isn't forever, and I'm not totally convinced losing at a snails pace is any better than just getting the damn thing over with lol. I'm aiming for 1200-1400 calories and will see how it goes.
- Thursday Feb 04, 2021
On Wednesday I had a great, low calorie day (around 1300). I followed HOP's advice on the veggies and it worked amazingly. Not hungry at all, and felt great. Then ugh, yesterday morning I was extra hungry, so a little of this, a little of that after breakfast led me on a slippery slope to BINGE-VILLE. It was an epic binge day. This is weird because I've never really binged like this. Generally, when I say "binge" I just mean I overate. But recently I'm experiencing actual binging where I feel out of control and eat despite no hunger. I am pretty positive this is brought on by the DIet Bet challenge. I feel all this pressure to meet the goals that I do the opposite. My husband can't understand that lol. This was either a big mistake, or a necessary evil to get myself to wake up and find a way to lose weight once and for all. I've been trying the moderate way for about 3 years now with no success. I suppose maintaining is a success in its own right, but it's so frustrating when you want to lose those infamous last ten pounds.
So here I am hopeful,but worried, the pattern will repeat itself. One good day, one bad day. I was supposed to spend the month doing Bright Line Eating (with my own modifications) and I have yet to spend one day doing it. I find a reason in the morning that it's a better idea to just count calories, then I can eat anything I want at any time I want. This worked for a number of years for me, but at this age and stage of my life it's just not anymore for whatever reason.
I actually lost the chunk of my weight many years ago (maybe 13?) by only eating three meals a day, no snacking. It was very easy and I didn't even do it consistently - went from like 140ish to 114-118 and never strayed again. It was no effort because my habits took care of everything. There was no "should i, shouldn't I?" Everything was pretty much summed up in one question "Is it mealtime?" and then I just didn't think about food or calories. I think that's why BLE (bright line eating) is so appealing. It's what I used to do, but with more boundaries and healthier food. If left without some rules I tend to eat high carb, low calorie, always hungry.
Anyways, just getting my thoughts out of my head. I think I know what I need to do, even if I don't want to do it.
- Monday Feb 01, 2021
So the weekend...Saturday was great, until dinner...I ate a little too much and felt quite full. It seemed that feeling "triggered" me so to speak. I tried to reason with myself that it's a totally reasonable amount, but after a couple of restricted days it felt like way too much, and then my brain started teasing me with some dessert, and I snacked afterwards too. Not exactly a binge, but sort of. I weighed in on Sunday at 120. Then, Sunday was a bit stressful and I just went off the rails. This was a binge. Yikes, clearly not a good path to do down. I should say this has been a lifelong problem, so it's not started recently or anything. The problem is I really just want to be back at my happy weight by this spring/summer and stay there forever. My problem has always been losing weight, not maintenance. I just need to get there and not stray from what works!! (which is what led me to this point - I started thinking calories don't count bc of some vegan channels that said eat as much as you want and they'd be munching on 3000 calories daily. I know, eyeroll).
So here I am Monday morning, staring into this long week and more lockdown and more e-learning with 3 little kids...gosh, mind, don't think too far ahead. I just need to get through today. Of course I've been contemplating diets of some sort, but I know deep down I just need to learn moderation. I need to approach my calorie goal and not feel like I've screwed up and just eat whatever. I have this trigger where if it's before dinner and say I've eaten 1000 or more, I feel like it's not enough for the rest of the day and start overeating. Has anybody else done this, and how did you get over it?
I want a great February, moderate, reasonable. But how do I deal with this brain of mine that likes to trick me? "Just start over tomorrow" etc...
- Saturday Jan 30, 2021
I couldn't believe it - 117.2 this morning. Then, my worst fear happened. My scale sometimes decides on a third weigh in to stubbornly pick a new weight. I was grabbing my camera to take a pic, and it decided at that point to say 118! Holy crap what! It decided to bounce around and then stay on 117.6 - 0.1 more than I needed. I went back to bed since I woke at 5, played on my phone a bit...when lo and behold I weighed again couple hours later and my scale went back to normal - got the proof of 117.2. For a minute I was dreading having to be super careful today. Hopefully there is no issues when they review it.
Well it's Saturday and I am looking forward to a nice weekend. I am feeling very positive about my weight and eating. I really, desperately needed this forced good behaviour, because now i'm on a roll and kind of just knowing what I need to do. Hope you all have a lovely day!
- Friday Jan 29, 2021
Extremely happy this morning. 117.8 which means I will probably make the goal. Seemed impossible but omg just a little extra effort and there you go. I do still need to eat at a steep deficit today, and then I'll do the weigh on Saturday instead of Sunday just in case my weight bounces back up when I increase my calories. I thought I'd need until Sunday to get it down, but the sooner the better so I don't have this stress on my back.
My plan is to count calories at a reasonable level (1200-1600) and hope I'll slowly lose over February (need to be 115 by the end of Feb which will be 2.5 lbs down, not the 1.5 I thought it was). I'll only do the partial fast at the end of the month if absolutely necessary.
I have to say, if it wasn't for the Diet Bet, I would never do this to myself lol. Losing weight is HARD. Self induced famine is certainly not for the weak, and it's no wonder I couldn't do it the past couple years. I'm just not a very disciplined person. I needed the incentive.
So far black coffee like every other morning. I bought four boxes of Starbucks dark roast coffee's. Sumatra, Italian roast, French toast and Verona. On sale but still expensive at $6.99 a box of 10 but told myself since I'm not really snacking, I can thoroughly enjoy my coffee.
Busy day, stressful too. I thought I'd cave but didn't. Didn't do as good as I hoped but came in around 1000-1100. I'll prob need to do the official weigh in on Sunday as I highly doubt I'll be at goal tomorrow. They give a two day window.
- Thursday Jan 28, 2021
Not a good start to my day, weigh in was 119.4 then 119.8. Most consistent at 119.8 which isn't boding too well for Sundays official weigh in. In addition to sleeping poorly (kid woke me up) and then I took a little sleep medicine, because otherwise I don't go back to sleep for hours, at which point its morning. So partially groggy, partially annoyed by weigh in, made for a grouchy morning. But I steeled myself, and am just trying to have a partial fasting day. Maybe I'll finally learn my lesson about procrastinating losing a little weight until last minute. I just know I will feel FANTASTIC if I can start February where I am supposed to be (for my DIet Bet). And these are totally reasonable goals too. Like, in Februrary, for the whole month, I just need to lose 1.5 lbs.
Anyways, surprisngly going well considering the mood I was when I woke up.
Black coffee..then tea with stevia...some cottage cheese and then broth. 160
started to pick randomly..I call those BLTs (bites, licks, tastes)..a little lamb stew I just made, a fat free pudding, couple chips, bite soup, few bites nectarine etc. Feeding my kids makes me also want to snack. Total altogether inc morning 370 currently
Vitamins (15), stew (20), yogurt 70, took kids with me to school to pick up a package and then went to tim hortons, i got a small black dark roast coffee to try their new one, and timbits for kids, I had a bite of the chocolate and bday cake one (90), then some eggs and avocado (90) 285
Final total if I dont eat anymore 655. WIll be interesting what effect it has on my weight.
been drinking a lot of black coffee, both reg & decaf. I did add some Walden farms vanilla cream 0 cal surpringly not bad. Sorry for any bad grammar or punctuation, I find it happens when I use diet diaries on my phone, and I don't have the time to go back and fix! I think it's more important to just get this down. By the way that's my resolution right now-no more food amnesia I must log on here and quickly make a note!
It seems when I really put my mind to it, I can do it and clearly its all mental because I found this day way easier than when I aim for 1600. It helps to have a group that's totally supportive and not scolding me for doing something "unhealthy". I really appreciate that. This is an anomoly, not something i do everyday.