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Donkey - Thursday Oct 21, 2021
(Low carb eating w recumbent bike, yoga, weights)
Weight: 132.0

 I don't know what I need to do to get that nice muscle ache in my legs the next day in my legs, after a weighted workout.  I feel the ache while I exercise, so I know I'm working the muscles.  The last reps of the last set are very difficult to complete.  And afterwards, I can feel the "whoa!"  But then I sleep and the next morning, I'm fine. I don't know if I'm making any real progress there.

But on the positive side, I think eating went well. No deep ends, no food fits.  Stayed up too late, and regretted that this morning, but here I am, and I'm not feeling tired or fatigued at all.  No weights tonight, I don't think.  And hopepfully an earlier lights-out tonight.

We had a long, non-productive work meeting yesterday.  My concerns were heard, but not solved.  The solution was to keep doing what I'm doing.  Solutions to other people's problems are to give it to Mistakes Girl, which she cannot handle any more work.  That, and proper, re-training of New Gal on Saturdays, if she's available.  That also falls to Mistakes Girl.  

And because the meeting took about an hour, I had to stay late an hour, waiting for Associate Attorney to finish typing up a letter that had to go out by 6pm yesterday.  (Another one of those time-sensitive contingency deadlines...)

Add to all of this that all of a sudden, I cannot scan documents to my email any more.  Neither can Nice Lady, but nobody else in the office has that problem.  The IT person I called couldn't help me at all yesterday, and so we're waiting for one of his more experienced co-workers to figure it out.  I was able to find a way around scanning, but Nice Lady has a pile of documents that she needs to scan.

What I want to do today is to put my best foot forward.  I want to feel good about me, no matter what my surrounding situations may be.  I would prefer to be quieter today, especially since New Gal is working today.  I'm probably at my best when I'm quieter anyways, LOL. 

MORNING EDIT (before leaving for work):  A couple of things I forgot to mention earlier.

I finally did manage to login to the gym app, and the personal trainer did not upload our workout nor did he message me about not being able to show up last Saturday.  So at least now I know in my heart that this path, i.e. working with him as a trainer, was not meant to be.  And I always feel better about myself when I resolve a technology issue, especially when it comes to phone apps, which I don't handle well.

Secondly, one of the main points the Boss made at yesterday's meeting is that he's ordering lawfirm shirts for us all (like from Land's End, with our company name over the heart/breast) and he needs our sizes.  I was like, What the ****?  Shirts???  That's your main concern for this meeting?  It's like the Boss lives in his own universe.  We already have shirts, and nobody wears them.  Just completely Outer Limits.

Progress as of today: 54.5 lbs lost so far, only -3 lbs to go!

bearcountrygg on 10/21/2021:
BOY...That associate attorney sounds like quite the piece of work!!! Is he stupid, a narcissist or does he just like to watch everyone else squirm??? In the best of times an office should move like a well oiled machine...that one sounds like it has a flat tire. I think my stomach would be in knots all of the time.

Donkey on 10/21/2021:
Yes, stomach in knots is the perfect description.

Also, I feel like it's more like a car on fire, rather than flat tire, but maybe I just want to see the files (OK, my files) burn, LOL.

horn_of_plenty on 10/21/2021:
Regarding yesterday only, i would not even try to respond to male coworker anymore if he brings it up. i have learned that when something is "not my job," as the general foreman in my trailer caught me saying just once...and he will not forget i said it because he feels saying it sounds very ill-sounding to others...so he reminded me not to say it (even if it's not my job, that is!)...my point to you: maybe say, i need to look into what you are talking about...to delay the matter....and then bring up who was working on it...and that they are out (but bring it up in a little while, not right away?)

horn_of_plenty on 10/21/2021:
regarding quitting over yesterday, try not to get your emotions involved in someone else's (male coworker's) lack of professionalism. you do not have to quit now...keep moving, donkey. get the bonus.

horn_of_plenty on 10/21/2021:
regarding today "legs" first part of your entry, i do not think you're always going to feel the burn, even if the exercises are being done bc the muscles are used to those moves but they will still grow from repetition of exercises, i would think. same with me and my exercises. i don't feel real burns, unless i actually do more reps / sets or make a change. usually, i'm not sore much / at all for arms or legs.

regarding lights out and your emotions lately, it could be that "fall" time of year...depression, needing more sleep. i have needed a lot more sleep lately.

i agree that being quieter is good. i wouldn't be making a ruckus (not that you are, just saying). really, i think the boss has to decide what he does with his business based on what is and is not successful now and in the near future..

LOL. shirts. maybe he wanted one for HIMSELF for some reason? anyways, i would wear it, if he orders them. you can wear long sleeves under it....easy dress for one day/week.

my boss ordered shirts from whatever was leftover at the main office...we only got 2 for the 3 of us girls. i didn't get one. i gave the other two girls them. if i did get one, i'd have worn it 1x/week.

PlayingQuietly on 10/21/2021:
(about the shirts/outer limits) lol

Maria7 on 10/21/2021:
The shirts sound very nice. Hope you are having a good day.

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Donkey - Wednesday Oct 20, 2021
(Low carb eating w recumbent bike, yoga, weights)
Weight: 132.0

So yesterday was something else.  Not only was I not feeling good yesterday in the stomach, but Male Co-Worker proceeded to get into a HUGE fight with me yesterday, accusing me of not being a team player because I would not take care of something that: 

  • I knew nothing about
  • New Gal (who had the day off) was working on, and
  • Was related to Male Co-Worker's file that had closed a couple of weeks ago.

So this was totally "not my job" and not urgent.  Yet it's my fault.  He took care of it in 20 minutes.  It would have taken me an hour - at least - to figure out what it was all about.  Then he starts making all of these passive aggressive comments loud enough for me to hear, but too far away to defend myself unless I because aggressive.  Not going to take the bait, not going down that road.

I said to the Boss that we MUST have this meeting about the allocation of job responsibilities SOON.  He said, Make your notes and we'll talk about it at the meeting.  (Whenever THAT will be...)

It's not that I'm not a team player, but this issue had totally nothing to do with any of my files.  If it had been time-sensitive, or if it had been a purchase file (that is to say, one of my files), I WOULD have taken care of it.

Anyway, then the Boss starts trying to get me cheered up and diverted. I said, "I'm just going to do my work" and left it at that.  Husband told me to come home, but I didn't want to be immature about this.  Also, I did have work to do.

At 3:30pm, Male Co-Worker came over and quietly apologized.  I accepted his apology.  At 4:30pm, I said to the Boss, "I've had a bad day. I'm leaving early."  The Boss goes, "Oh it wasn't THAT bad" but I left.  Things had slowed down and I was just done with the day.  No more (cares) to give.  JUST DONE.

Now DD folks, if that isn't enough to get me to quit, then I will never leave.  But I don't want to quit under these unpleasant circumstances.  I also don't want my departure to be knee-jerk or an emotional reaction to an emotional event.  I also have to talk to Husband about leaving now, as it would mean that I'd forfeit my yearly bonus (usually $500).  

Let's see how today goes.

Because of all the fatty fast food from Monday, PLUS the stress from the blow-up at work, I did not eat much during the day.  Dinner went OK, too, because my stomach still felt like there was a huge bubble sitting inside it. Dinner sat well in my stomach, finished up my upper body weights, and got to bed early -- -turning off the lights just slightly after 9pm.

This morning, no stomach problems.  Had a good bike ride, and did pretty well on the leg weights.  I will do more leg weights this evening, probably with dumbbells.  Anyway, that's my plan.

Progress as of today: 54.5 lbs lost so far, only -3 lbs to go!

Jacky82020 on 10/20/2021:
What a day! Walking off like your husband suggested would be a bad move IMO. It’s not like the new guy slapped you or called you a name, besides it may have made you look weak & unable to cope with pressure. The jerk did apologize & the boss supports you. It’s never a good idea to make a big decision in the heat of the moment, although I know you’ve considered leaving this job for a while. I’d wait and see how it plays out & grab the well deserved bonus. Also, I wouldn’t leave one job without another lined up, unless you have some savings to spend down. Any chance the current job would give you a bad reference if you suddenly left?

How’s it going today?

Donkey on 10/21/2021:
I do not think my Boss would begrudge me a reference if I were to leave, but when I leave, I want to leave correctly. Even though he's a jerk, in a way, we do have a bond, and for myself, I want to leave this situation as best as I can.

Thank you for asking how today was going, yesterday. It's hard for me to log in after the morning, before work, but I did come back to your comment several times during the day, to do a self-check, to see how I was doing.

It was a busy, uninspiring day. I'll write more about it today (Thursday), but I feel like we're all just trying to get through the days.

PlayingQuietly on 10/20/2021:
work can be a social jungle... I'm sorry your co-worker stressed an already heavy workload

bearcountrygg on 10/20/2021:
It just sounds like a really bad vibe going on there....It must be hard to get in that door every morning.

Donkey on 10/21/2021:
SO HARD -- and I know it's not just me. Male Co-Worker has often talked about the feelings of dread and anxiety he has just thinking about walking through the door.

horn_of_plenty on 10/21/2021:
will read your entry later...

Jacky82020 on 10/21/2021:
Always best to leave on a high note unless it’s impossible.

Let us know how it goes.

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Donkey - Tuesday Oct 19, 2021
(Low carb eating w recumbent bike, yoga, weights)
Weight: 132.0

Ohhh boyyyy.... What has Donkey done?  Well, here's a new truth in the life of Donkey:  One cannot eat gyros sandwiches any more.  My stomach just cannot handle them any more.  

Part of the problem is that I ate too much, but I think it's because I ate lighter during the day, and I also that I was really busy (again) at work.  I also reached for too many French fries and onion rings. 

I woke up in the middle of the night, on fire.  This used to happen to me quite often after a binge.  This is caused by my body trying to metabolize the extra calories.  I cooled off, and then was apparently able to put covers back on (later) and go back to sleep.  However, I woke up with a sour stomach, feeling heavy.  I also felt like I was "sweating out" the overload during my bike ride and weight training.  Just more sweaty, I guess.  Bleah.

Turns out, my Boy Cat can't really have gyros too.  I gave him a couple of pieces of meat, and he is not himself this morning.  So it's probably best if we just go back to regular eating.  I knew I was taking a risk when ordering a gyro, and now I'm suffering the consequences.

Yoga was good/OK.  We did a complete body session, starting with opening up the hips, traveling up to the shoulders, ending with poses that stretch out the body completely.

I also managed to meditate at work.  I think it helped to some degree.

Work was work.  Same old stuff.  Morale is low.  I realized yesterday that we have become a busy lawfirm.  This is because we have 3 attorneys.  We used to have 1 attorney and 6 support staff.  Now we have 3 attorneys and 4.5 support staff.   And we're not well-organized.  I used to work at a lawfirm that was like this, and I hated it.  Reasons why I hated it:

  • Hated working personal injury and worker's comp -- just not for me.
  • Hated the commute - 1.5 hours, one way.
  • Could never ever catch up on the work.  Neverending overload. I burnt out.

It was a little eye-opening, though, to see that this is what we have evolved to.

Progress as of today: 54.5 lbs lost so far, only -3 lbs to go!

bearcountrygg on 10/19/2021:
In my past life ( before retirement)...I had one of those jobs that never ends.....some days I was thankful to stay busy (the days goes by fast)...but other days it felt like I was never done.....and never would be.....I would leave my desk to go to the other end of the clinic and get back to my desk with a pile of 500 lab reports.....that had to be dealt with pronto because people were waiting for their results.....on those days I often felt helpless....but....go figure...I was always surprised to find my check in my time card slot......I have no idea why ( I worked out of desire to work...D supported us the household 100%)....so apparently I loved it enough to return day after day and get it done...I really did miss it when I retired and still have many friends that I worked with there.....and I really wouldn't mind doing that again if it was necessary for me to work......( I'm sure no one wants to hire an old lady but I would be willing)....LOL

Donkey on 10/20/2021:
I'm seeing, as we get older, that Male Co-Worker is no longer able to keep up. Mistakes Girl can get his files organized and caught up and still be able to do her own job.

I'm pretty sure I'm not at that point. I'm really feeling like it's time for a change. Just a total change. I'm not sure if that makes sense.

Maria7 on 10/19/2021:
I am happily retired. No more work-stress for me!

Donkey on 10/20/2021:
Right??? I hope to be able to retire some day. I was privileged to be able to stay home with my kids when they were little, though, and not everyone has that.

Even if you are retired, I hope that you are able to enjoy some of my work-writings as humorous or drama filled (cue soap opera music here). I always appreciate your insights as a third-party observer.

horn_of_plenty on 10/19/2021:
The gyro meat is highly seasoned right ? Maybe too much for the cat bc of all the seasonings ??

I see - so if you are evolving to that - is it more than real estate now ?

Donkey on 10/20/2021:
The meat IS highly seasoned but not hot-spicy. However, I think my problems were due to the high fat and grease. My husband also said that he did not enjoy his selection (burger) because it was greasy.

The busy-ness is still mainly real estate. We do a little estate planning and a little bankruptcy. Neither one is really a forte in our firm though.

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Donkey - Monday Oct 18, 2021
(Low carb eating w recumbent bike, yoga, weights)
Weight: 132.0

I read this today:  "I will not let age change the way I live.  I will change the way I age."  I don't agree with the first part, on several levels.  Sometimes we can't help it.  With age comes experience and those experiences DO change us.  However, I embrace the second part of that.  I am working to change the way I age.  I'm hoping that by building extra muscle mass that will help me age better.  Also, I am keenly aware that I need to work more on balance issues.  Ever since I changed the focus of my yoga practice - from Flow to Yin, from balance to relaxation - I've lost a few of the gains I was making with balance. 

Still a little cramping today, but I think the worst of it is over, and I should be able to cope at work today.  Speaking of coping though, ya know... I didn't have a great weekend.  I would give it a C- if I were to grade it, and I am NOT looking forward to all the "how was your weekend?" and "how'd the weekend treat you?" and "did you do anything interesting over the weekend?" sort of chit-chat.  It just occurred to me that I would like to say, "I spent most of the weekend trying to figure out why I can't quit this job" and see what happens.  THAT would shut everyone up really quick, I bet.

Husband and I had fun planning out what to do during my long weekend in November (reminder: taking November 11th & 12th).  It won't be an out-of-town thing this time, but rather just a mini "staycation".  I picked out a trail to hike, if the weather cooperates, and if we feel so inclined to go.  I hope to go to the gym during the day, both days.  Husband and I may go to the range to pratice shooting.  And a nice dinner on Saturday night, I think, but that's fluid.

It's nice to have something to look forward to. 

Progress as of today: 54.5 lbs lost so far, only -3 lbs to go!

Brett on 10/18/2021:
Enjoy your vacation!

Donkey on 10/19/2021:
I'm starting to really look forward to it!

bearcountrygg on 10/18/2021:
The funny thing about aging...is that the brain still thinks like a young person but with more understanding of things....but the body can't carry out the things the mind wants to do......When I was young I wondered why old people didn't pick up their feet when they walked.....I'm finding out....THEY CAN'T....The mind goes on and the body quits and it is quite sobering. The big benefit to aging though is that things just all make a lot more sense....they are easier to understand, and then unfortunately the mind starts heading in the same way as the body......( as D says....he has to forget something in order to learn something new).......Enjoy being young while you have it because it really does not last.....

Donkey on 10/19/2021:
I *SO* appreciate your insights, as a woman who is older than I am. THIS is why I'm so glad that you still post on DD.

I am already starting to see some changes: eyesight, coordination, balance. I anticipate that menopause will be a challenge, as everything related to my uterus seems to be a challenge, but so be it.

I've been reading about how older folks are being dismissed by younger doctors - dismissed as in being not being listened to or correctly treated. Maybe "correct" isn't the right word, but maybe "completely" is a better word for it. I'm lucky right now because my doctor is around my age, so I think she understands most of the time...

Horn_of_plenty on 10/18/2021:
lol. that's why work is work and most aren't really your "friends." thank you for reminding me to keep some things to myself and be careful what i say to coworkers...yeah. i have been talking too much i think. saying too many of my personal thoughts. anyways, i'm glad you wrote about that!

ohhh very nice with the range. do you both own a gun? i think you may have mentioned you did?

i think what they mean by the first part of the phrase, but i am not sure, is that people are living longer and there's ways to increase our productivity so we can be quite agile even when we are seniors? however, i do agree there's some things we cannot help...but then again, there's a lot we can !

Donkey on 10/19/2021:
And I'm glad that you responded with this VERY helpful reminder. Shut up and work, right?

We do own a firearm now. My intent with this investment is that Husband and I would have something to do together, and it is also something that he can do alone. It is also something that can be done in the winter, which can be very difficult and demoralizing to get through in Illinois.

I too think that there is a lot that we can do for ourselves with respect to the aging process. I want to be one of those Q-tipped grannies you see on YouTube, weight lifting or doing incredible yoga moves.... Probably won't see me running a marathon, but who knows. If I'm the only one in my age group, then I win! (LOL...)

legcramps on 10/18/2021:
November sounds like a month to look forward to :)

Donkey on 10/19/2021:
It IS - and not just because of the vacation or the American Thanksgiving holiday. I'm already starting to think about goals for November.

PlayingQuietly on 10/18/2021:
staycation sounds wonderful

Donkey on 10/19/2021:
It just feels more appropriate this time. We've already done our annual B&B, and this will keep the costs down to just stay at home.

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Donkey - Sunday Oct 17, 2021
(Low carb eating w recumbent bike, yoga, weights)
Weight: 132.0

The morning has been a little slower and later than I had thought it might be, so I am not pushing to get to the gym early this morning.  Also, cramps are still tormenting me a bit, so I will be doing a lighter upper body weight circuit at the gym, after doing a 20 minute cardio on the elliptical.  That's fine.  

I completed most of my weekend chores yesterday, including putting away the window fans, which was the most labor intensive task to do.  So I am anticipating that today WILL be more open and free for relaxing.  I am not feeling the fatigue that I felt yesterday.  (I believe that this is caused by TOM, even though I am taking the iron supplements.)

I had a really nice and helpful chat with Son yesterday.  He thinks that I should think outside of the box more, for my next career move.  He had some insights that I had not considered.  When I told him that the thing that is holding me back from leaving my job right now, is that I have just endured a very busy real estate season (it's not done yet) and I don't want to jump into a very busy retail season.  He pointed out that all jobs are busy - that's why there are jobs.  This made me think that maybe what's REALLY bothering me is that I'm feelinb overall *burnt out* rather than frustated with the paralegal job specifically.  

I'm glad that I have my interest in physical fitness to help keep me grounded.  I think if I did not have this, I would be feeling much more negatively about my situation.  

Progress as of today: 54.5 lbs lost so far, only -3 lbs to go!

bearcountrygg on 10/17/2021:
It sounds like your son is thriving......good for him!!! He had some very good info!!

Donkey on 10/17/2021:
Military life suits him (except for being far away), but he is influenced by fellow recruits who perhaps regret their decision to enlist. My husband gave him a pep talk last night about how it's OK to like your job. (oh the irony ha ha ha ha)

But we are proud of him. I AM glad that he has found something that he likes to do.

Horn_of_plenty on 10/17/2021:
re your yesterday's entry comment you said back to me - beware of using a lot of baby powder down there - it's been linked to cancer i believe. but i can see you using some in other places, maybe not as bad an idea. just look that up and beware. lots of workers used to use it when working outdoors all summer.

it's good you are keen do to cardio today, it always pushes TOM along in the right direction for me - and clears me out lol somewhat. best to do it today before monday right!?

i would say your son has some good insights. i can only say try to take some rest days and do not feel bad. i'd have to agree with your son, to urge you to take care of yourself. i also think that you may not have too difficult a time getting another para job for more money. i am thinking, if you do choose to leave, to maybe plan to take some time off before job hunting, like up to 2 weeks, and then delve into job hunting for ...2 months? hopefully you'd find a job in that time?

then again, i can be so wrong. i was out of work for 9 months and longer if i didn't have any connections. i had connections for the job i have now.

honestly, i wouldn't just jump into another job without some time off, if i were you, but perhaps reconsider what's going on with your job now? perhaps you can ask for a raise???? i'm not kidding....maybe say with all the change, increased workload now due to some more economic recovery and covid recovery, working with new employees hired just this year...

if the boss needs you, perhaps ask for a raise during the new challenges. idk. perhaps you need something to push you to feel better. and also that will help you later when you aren't working for him.

now, i could be so wrong.

also, you knows, maybe that younger attorney will take over like you said? otherwise, i'm guessing boss' business will close?

honestly, if you cannot deal with all this, i would leave. just get some good references (people willing to vouch for you) - like the older lady / nice lady and also the younger lady. perhaps the new attorney will too...

but easier may be the raise.

i have no exact advice based on my opinions above.

or you could go job hunting and get an offer...

a new job will be stressful in other ways - getting to know people and the operations of the place.

you have a good amount of working years, productive ones, left. you have agood head on your shoulders and physically are doing well. you could last 10 years easily more. that's a lot of years of salary...

maybe private message me why you don't think you could work in some places due to your past? i am not sure you are being reasonable to yourself...

just put yourself on the front burner now. you aren't sure of what's going on for the next year at this job, but you have 10 more good working years.

perhaps try to see what you can do, even to get a job somewhere else for 1-2 years and if it doesn't work out, you can try again.

perhaps you know this job is ending...(i do not know...i am not htere and don't know boss' real intentions), but perhaps you can take care of yourself better by getting a diff job i don't know.

but, i'll say this also, this job will pay u up until this job ends, then you can also take a break once this job ends, and find your next job.

waiting it out is not a bad idea; as you have been doing. it is a steady paycheck. i can only suggest a raise to some degree. it doesn't seem to be easy for your boss to hire good workers and you are one. i don't think he could fire you too easily without a replacement...

so the good thing about you staying, is a steady paycheck for now...but either way, you're going to have possible time without pay as you look for your next job....unless you stay on with new guy - but new guy may not live up to boss' expectations, then you'll be on your own again....

lots of think about it.

please let me know if what i write gives you anxiety.

my teacher friend, C, wouldn't appreciate this type of message bc it would make her very anxious due to many variables and no direct answers. lucky for her, as a teacher in New York State, her job is for her entire career, due to tenure.

Donkey on 10/17/2021:
Oh my goodness, I should be more clear: the baby powder is for armpits and chest, not underwear. And it's the cornstarch kind, not talc. I believe it was the talc that was cancer-causing. And I also forgot to mention that I have a travel size stick of anti-perspirant in my desk.

Yes, I have at least 15 years to go to work, maybe 20. And this job, as I know it now, will not be here for that duration. Now I'm thinking I should stick around until December for the end-of-the-year bonus.

I will PM you and you can decide for yourself if my limitations are real or in my head.

Horn_of_plenty on 10/17/2021:
ALSO, nice job maintaining. maintaining i'm sure will be easiest during your current job, but you have learned so much, i'm sure you will not have much issue with it for life.

Donkey on 10/17/2021:
Thank you! Ohhhh, I don't know, I appreciate your confidence in me, but I think it's something that I'm going to have to be constantly vigilant about for a LONG time.

You know though, maybe not. After all, I don't really track calories or macros. I just try to make sound nutritional choices 90% of the time. So maybe I'm doing better than I give myself credit for.

Horn_of_plenty on 10/17/2021:
basically, you have maintained around 1/3 of the year already. (4 months by your chart.)

Donkey on 10/17/2021:
I hadn't thought about it that way. Let's see how the holidays go. December is like a total month of indulgence, just by the nature of all the parties. Oof!

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Donkey - Saturday Oct 16, 2021
(Low carb eating w recumbent bike, yoga, weights)
Weight: 132.0

Good morning!!!!  A slight loss on the scale today, and I'll take that!  

Although I did upper body weights  yesterday morning, I did not do them last night. I was very tired.  So after my evening bikeride, I just relaxed.  By the time I turned off the light, I thought I was feeling some cramps, and sure enough, this morning, I woke up to mild cramps.  Great -- well, best get Cramp Day out of the way, and at least I don't have to be suffering at work with these pains.

Eating went well last night, so I'm kind of disappointed that the scale wasn't a little more friendly, but I need to move beyond that.  I jogged at lunchtime for about 20-25 minutes, so that I could complete my route quicker than if I just walked.  This was to save time.  Gosh, work is rushed, lunch is rushed.  Hate it - but it was satisfying to jog.

Today I meet up with the personal trainer for a lower body tutorial.  Looking forward to some new ideas, I guess. I had plans for myself for Sunday, but with TOM here, now I'm not so sure.  We'll have to see how today goes.

It would be nice to have a slower, quieter, relaxing day - to recover from the really busy work week - but alas, with the cooler weather, I will need to work on cleaning and storing away the window fans that we used over the summer.  They are heavy and cumbersome, but this would be a good weekend to get them done... well, I'll at least get started on the project.

I won't be too hard on myself for whatever doesn't get done this weekend.  

EARLY EVENING EDIT:  The personal trainer was a no-show.  I'm not sure what happened, because he seems to utilize the gym's app, and I cannot get my login in to match with my password -- even after resetting, and uninstalling-reinstalling the app -- all several times, much to my frustration.

Yes, I was disappointed, and I felt a little bad, but I'm not sure why I would feel bad. I did what I was supposed to do (other than to login with the app).  So I did a very brief leg workout and came home, since I wasn't really at 100% anyway.

The cramps are still around, so I'm OK with this being an easier physical day...

Progress as of today: 54.5 lbs lost so far, only -3 lbs to go!

Jacky82020 on 10/16/2021:
You’re making terrific progress! Congrats! Sorry about the cramps. We shall have overcome

Donkey on 10/17/2021:
Thank you for your support! Oh Lordy, cramps are staying longer than I had hoped. Although.... Bear has a good point below, about hot flashes... Hmm..

bearcountrygg on 10/16/2021:
The cramps......I do not miss those days.....One of these days that will just stop....and I'm sure that won't be a moment too soon for you....but then you get to have hot flashes...which are a issue of their own....

Donkey on 10/17/2021:
Oh no doubt that menopause will bring its own set of problems for ME. I know that there are women who don't have a lot of issues with TOM or the Change, but I'm sure I won't be as blessed as them.

Jacky82020 on 10/16/2021:
Wow, people are such flakes these days. That sucks!

Donkey on 10/17/2021:
Yeah, it does. I felt embarrassed - again, I'm not sure why - but he's the one that really lost out, because I had considered hiring him as a trainer for a little bit.

I'm not sure if I should wait for tech support to figure out the app, to see if he sent me anything to reschedule, or if I should email him... or maybe I should just let it go, i.e. not meant to be.

Horn_of_plenty on 10/16/2021:
Re Thursday, it is your CHOICE to stay at work. it doesn't mean you are lazy. it's what you decided. but you can change your situation if you want. however, whatever decision you make is NOT because you are lazy. don't start feeling down about yourself when the state of your work / workplace is not a reflection of anything about you! glad you had great exercise Thursday. it was a bad week for me with exercise. some was not totally my fault (i was kept 15 min late at work, then walked, then so late to get home i skipped...) i do not like staying at work late when i don't know i will...will have to either make sure it doesn't continously happen or ask for OT...not sure yet, have to see how it plays out.

Donkey on 10/17/2021:
I know I was really hard on myself on Thursday. I just get so frustrated with me, sometimes.

One thing I gotta say about Mistakes Girl, although it happens on occasion that she stays late, 99% of the time, she is outta there at 5pm. SHE has the RIGHT idea.

Horn_of_plenty on 10/16/2021:
Re Friday, and the anxiety and rushing feeling of having to get work done, i CAN relate. i think that any work at all other than, say, walmart and other low-end, min wage jobs, are the ones that are usually the ones where you'll never feel the stress. also, your work is particularly one filled with deadlines. other paralegal jobs are not as much or have more planning over how many clients you'll see compared to your walkins and unknowns. so i feel you.

Donkey on 10/17/2021:
I suppose that all jobs have this component of deadlines. I had a helpful chat with Son yesterday, when he pointed this out.

I think I'm more burnt out than anything.

horn_of_plenty on 10/16/2021:
I also usually prefer cramps not at work …. They are usually more mild if I have any at all when I’m home bc I don’t have to sit at a desk all day and can move around as I please !

I wish I could job / walk fast at lunch but I’d come back sweaty (but also don’t take a outside break for my lunch) …do you get sweaty ?

You know the scale depends on way more than one day, but excellent job on your eating last night :)

Sorry your trainer was a no show - at least you did something at the gym and now you can relax. I love to relax too especially after busy weeks

Donkey on 10/17/2021:
I do get a little sweaty sometimes, especially when I jog or when the weather is warmer.

I keep a small bottle of baby powder in the bathroom, and I have 2 body sprays in my drawer. They are not perfumes, but sprays that have a lighter scent and evaporate quickly.

When Male Co-Worker was walking, he'd come back smelling kind of stanky. Not like man-stink but just the smell of outdoors. I try hard to avoid that.

I love how you say "...and now you can relax." I needed to hear that. It helped me feel more at ease for having a lighter workout. I am planning to have a similar upper body "lighter workout" when I go to the gym today.

PlayingQuietly on 10/16/2021:
every pound counts, you're moving in the right direction

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Donkey - Friday Oct 15, 2021
(Low carb eating w recumbent bike, yoga, weights)
Weight: 132.5

I don't even know where to start.  I guess I'll start with the positive.  Yoga last night was so amazingly helpful!  I had an ache in my neck, and the stretches and poses we did helped reset everything.  All previous tightness and pressure were gone.  The instructor showed me some new moves, but at the end, she pointed out that I already have a number of poses that I am familiar with that I could do (could have done) on my own.

This was very --- I don't even know how to describe it, but knowing that I had the tools to help myself on my own before class was startling? Illuminating?  Inspiring?  All of the above?  The teacher telling the student that she knows enough to guide herself through the journey.  I never thought about being my own yogi, but apparently, she thinks I can do it! :-)

The negative part was the frantic rush at work in the last 20 minutes to get everything done, so that I could leave on time, to be ready for yoga at 7pm.  I started to prioritize tasks, clearly setting 3 aside for today:  one letter to go out, and 2 files to update in my notes or database.  The rest, I managed to do and only stayed 10 minutes late.  But it's times like this where I really resent my job, infringing on my own time and my own personal well-being.  I realize that, logically, I'm probably being unreasonable with my job, but hey, it's how I feel.

Eating was OK yesterday.  I started feeling those 3:30pm anxiety jitters at work, where I just wanted to eat and eat, in reaction to stress.  However, I ate only what I brought to work (relying heavily on baby carrots), and then just told myself that I have to deal with the feelings for the rest of the time at work.  Kind of like "put on your big girl pants" or "tough luck, buttercup".  

I woke up early, on my own at 3:55am, so I stayed in bed until 4:30am, and then got up slowly.  Since I had extra time, I did upper body weights.  This works out well, because tomorrow, Saturday, at the gym, I will be working with the personal trainer again, this time on lower body, which will leave Sunday open for adventure. 

Progress as of today: 54 lbs lost so far, only -2.5 lbs to go!

Jacky82020 on 10/15/2021:
Awesome you yoga journey progresses so well!

How about some nuts at work? Very filling!

Donkey on 10/16/2021:
The anxiety eating at work needs to be something very low calorie so that I can eat a lot of it. Sounds like binge-eating, but it's not. I could easily eat 600+ calories in nuts at work (done it before) and still want to eat to self-soothe my anxiety.

Carrot sticks, celery, that usually fits the ticket. I also have a small amount of protein (usually cottage cheese, but can also be Greek yogurt) to help satisfy the palate.

This afternoon eating can be a real problem if I let it get the best of me.

Maria7 on 10/15/2021:
Wow, you are doing real well with your yoga and other workouts! Yes, it is SO EASY to overeat due to stress!!! We must NOT GIVE IN....at least, try not to!!! Smiles! Have a blessed day.

Donkey on 10/16/2021:
Honestly, that's the approach I MUST take when it comes to stress-eating at work. The self-talk (self-coaching) helps a lot, if I can DO it, without surrendering or panicking.

bearcountrygg on 10/15/2021:
From what I can tell for myself....the best hedge against stress is preplanning. It does take some looking ahead......at what can most likely be assumed.....like...If I suspected that I would have a heavy work load day....then I went in with a plan to tackle it in the least stressful way....done in the order of importance.....and got to work on that... If I got overwhelmed...and needed a short break from that...I did something mindless that took no more than 5 minutes but tried to make it be something that helped clear my desk off......that lowered my stress...then got back to work on the important things again....until once again....I know all jobs are different and this probably doesn't work for all desk jobs.....but it kept me from losing my cool a lot of days......since yours is law and mine was medical reports....there is a timely nature to them....and I did get a sense of pressure at times....so that 5 minute desk pick up/clean up...let me breathe for 5 minutes and get ready to buckle down again.....I used to go refill my water to get out of my chair for a few minutes......or I would empty the wastebasket in the copy room...just to move a little......it got rid of a little tension for me.

Donkey on 10/16/2021:
I agree with you, that pre-planning is definitely key! Except... like yesterday, time just flew by, and it was 3pm when I realized, Wow, I hadn't even looked at my daily tasks. Usually I start tackling tasks (that haven't solved themselves through the daily emails) around noon. So that was not pleasant. Reached for baby carrot sticks, but had only about 5 of them before I realized that I didn't want them. Focused on the work, instead.

A lot of my job is time-sensitive - a LOT of deadlines that often can't be met or extended until later in the day. It just so happens that later in the day is when a lot of attorneys get back to the office and start churning out letters and emails. And then you always have your big dummies that panic and call at 4:57pm.

Normally, I'm OK with staying a little late to wrap things up. It's when I have another appointment in the evening (chair yoga, zoom yoga, dinner reservation, etc.) that I start to feel resentful.

PlayingQuietly on 10/15/2021:
I'm glad you got over the reaction to stress without blowing up your diet efforts. Hip Hip Hurray!!! I also overcame the urge to decompress with food yesterday. I didn't blow my diet. I'm sure you felt good this morning knowing you did well yesterday~ my todays are always brighter when my yesterdays are done well.

Donkey on 10/16/2021:
"My todays are always brighter when my yesterdays are done well" --- I LOVE THIS. I am going to incorporate this into my self-coaching toolbox.

We can do this together! :-)

Jacky82020 on 10/16/2021:
Good work choices! The nuts are close to 200 cal for 1/4 cup., I am carefully measuring them out & not eating from the container,

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Donkey - Thursday Oct 14, 2021
(Low carb eating w recumbent bike, yoga, weights)
Weight: 132.5

It was a difficult day yesterday.  Not only was the re-heated coffee too strong - it tasted awful - it was DECAF!!!  (Mr. Donkey made a tactical error in brewing the last pot.)  So I was starting a caffeine headache by the time I got to work.  I didn't really WANT any more coffee, but forced myself to drink 2 more cups of regular coffee, and by noon, the headache was averted.  But I don't like drinking that much coffee.

So I was rather uncomfortable and grumpy yesterday morning.  I'm glad my Boss was out of the office for the morning, buying his wife a new Lexus, when she really shouldn't be driving any more.  

I got in 5 new contracts yesterday - a Wednesday in October, who would have thought? - so I told Boss I didn't want to hear anything more about "things slowing down" for the Fall.  Donkeysh*t.  Because New Gal wasn't there, I had to open these contracts myself, and therefore, I was VERY busy.  I didn't get my morning meditation, I didn't get my lunchtime walk.  I'm putting that missed lunchhour as overtime.  Mistakes Girl had a dentist appointment that she "forgot" to put on the calendar, so she left at 4pm.  So I couldn't even take my lunch at 4pm and leave early.  I was really resentful, but now looking back, I'm OK with the overtime.  

Last night, my Husband said that I should put my resume online and see what job offers come to me, because of the current job market.  He's like, You could really have your pick of ANY job out there.  Well, not really --- there are extenuating circumstances that would block me out of a lot of jobs.  I won't go into that here.  So then I started feeling very bad about myself and my job situation and my inertia.  My stupid lazy, non-moving, inert, immobile butt-self.

And to top that off, Daughter went to the wake for a co-worker who had recently died.  The co-worker was a young man of 19.  I'm not sure if it was a drug overdose or suicide.  But this just hit me so hard.  I just could NOT imagine the pain of losing a child.  Daughter left the prayer card and pamphlet from the wake on the kitchen counter this morning.  Oh how sad... Just so sad.

Not sure how I came to it, but I finished the jar of chunky peanut butter.  It was about 1/3 cup?  Maybe 1/2?  So about the calories of a decadent dessert.  I didn't feel stuffed or bad or anxious.  I was satisfied when I was done.

Stayed up a little past 10:15pm finishing up a book about sobriety.  Slept well.  Woke up naturally at 4am, laid there thinking about getting up, and before I knew it, my alarm for 5am was going off, so then I got up.

Needless to say, I had LOTS of energy for my bike-ride today.  It was a GREAT ride.  And no fatigue in my legs at all.  

Tonight is Zoom yoga.  

Progress as of today: 54 lbs lost so far, only -2.5 lbs to go!

PlayingQuietly on 10/14/2021:
by 9a this morning the deck carpentry is done~ the crew gone & the boss ready for his check.... he almost forgot to have old wood hauled off and is sending a guy out in next couple of days (maybe today?) to get it out of here. I'm sure it (trash haul) will be taken care of because I am set up for a second job come spring with the deck contractor for something else

hey! have fun in Zoom yoga tonight :)

Donkey on 10/15/2021:
Zoom yoga was SOOOO relaxing last night! I asked to focus on neck and shoulders -- definitely stretched out any remaining aches from Saturday's personal training session. Ahhh....

bearcountrygg on 10/14/2021:
I get it...peanut butter cures everything....Sad about the teens death.....I cannot even imagine how the family must feel. There sure are a lot of people "escaping" your office.....It must be so hard to run or work in a business when people just disappear all of the time......

Donkey on 10/14/2021:
When I left this afternoon at 5pm, the Boss was in his office reading the newspaper. Who does that? GO HOME.

innerpeace on 10/14/2021:
That is sad about your daughter's coworker. I got a call from the school that they had an assistant foot ball coach die in an accidental fire and they wanted parents to know that grief counselors would be available if students needed it. The girl didn't know the football coach but said he was young...like 24 or 25 and she said the football team was having a hard time with it...I can only imagine.

I have never received a 'bite' per se on Linked In for my resume - but DH has received lots, I guess it just depends on your career field...assistants come and go and are a dime a dozen.

I hope you don't lose your meditation space. Have a great day!

Donkey on 10/14/2021:
You are SO correct: administrative staff are a dime a dozen, even in this job market.

I'm so sick of sitting behind a desk. Wouldn't it be fun to get my 10,000+ steps at work, instead? I think so.

Jacky82020 on 10/15/2021:
Wow, the coffee headaches are the worst! Poor kid.

Shame about the boy, likely an OD when a young person not under medical supervision for a serious condition passes.

Donkey on 10/15/2021:
I'm hearing it was an accidental death -- something laced with fentanyl.

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Donkey - Wednesday Oct 13, 2021
(Low carb eating w recumbent bike, yoga, weights)
Weight: 132.5

Had no internet earlier this morning, so it's thrown off the start of my day, but it's back on, which is not only good but also a relief.  Now I can type on my laptop, rather than trying to log in on DD through my phone (which I hate doing).

Yesterday I had bouts of being very busy, and then bouts of having nothing to do.  Mostly just waiting for Associate Attorney to type out 2 letters that I've been waitng for since Friday.  He just could not sit himself down to write them.  He thought of every diversion to do first, including checking with New Guy to see what certain swear words meant in Spanish -- I kid you not.  He missed meeting with clients because he was out to breakfast with a realtor and that meeting ran over. 

I woke up in the middle of the night when the loss of internet turned off my streaming sleep sound.  I'm feeling kind of tired today - definitely not my best.  I suspect it's hormone related.  Great.  But see, this is one thing that I really like about the job I have now:  I can slack off and it won't affect much of anything.  Nobody will say anything.

Eating yesterday was pretty good.  In the afternoon, at work, I started getting the food-fit feeling -- all related to eating peanuts at work.  So I had approximately 150 calories in nuts and didn't have my hard boiled eggs, which are waiting for me today.   

My Boss left in the early afternoon, to run a "few errands", and never came back.  Male Co-Worker comes back tomorrow (Thursday).  I think that I will be losing my meditation area at work, if New Guy moves into that office space.  So I'll have to find another space.  I did manage to meditate yesterday, and it really helped.


Progress as of today: 54 lbs lost so far, only -2.5 lbs to go!

bearcountrygg on 10/13/2021:
Reminds me of a foster child that knew all the swear words in spanish and I had no idea what she was saying.....until she confessed..........

PlayingQuietly on 10/13/2021:
hehe that's pretty funny (diversions including new guy for swear words)

Horn_of_plenty on 10/13/2021:
OMG. she smokes that much!? so sad.

i do like to log in here in mornings too ;)

lol, i have never heard you write about slacking off bc you always say you are busy.

sometimes i get into a food fit feeling at work but it can hardly get bad bc there's limited snacks...and i also try to bring some healthy foods (especially at lunch), so i can get some health in (which is usually more satisfying too).

today i was super hungry in the AM...i guess a pop tart and banana doesn't last with me LOL. duh!

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Donkey - Tuesday Oct 12, 2021
(Low carb eating w recumbent bike, yoga, weights)
Weight: 132.5

I just had to put this out there:  The Boss' wife went for her procedure on Friday --- and the doctor gave her the WRONG procedure!!!  Can you BELIEVE that?  A patient, whose husband is a lawyer and whose daughter is a physical therapist (with a PhD.) and personal friend of the doctor who owns the practice, and she gets the WRONG procedure.

She was supposed to have a substance injected into her knee, that acts like a cushion between the joints in the knee.  Instead, she got an ordinary cortizone shot.  Light years between the 2.  Why did the doctor think that there was an aneshesiologist there for a simple cortizon injection?  Wrong, wrong, wrong on so many levels.

So now they have to wait until the cortizon runs its course before the correct procedure can be rescheduled and completed. 

That was the biggest drama.  We sort of had our "office meeting" but then realized that we need to have it with Male Co-Worker because it involves him too.  I don't even know what to say.  I'm done with trying to fix our law firm.  

It was so nice to catch up with my legal clinic friends on Zoom last night.  It turns out that we're all kind of dealing with the same thing:  changes, afraid to make changes, wanting to make changes, too burnt out to make changes that we want... It's funny because the three of us are in separate decades, one starting her 60's, I'm in the early stages of my 50's, and the third in her 40's (towards the end).  Nobody thought my Walmart idea was ridiculous.  Nobody scoffed at my thoughts of exploring yoga teacher training or training to be a meditation guide, either.

My morning weights were too short.  I used 1-2 exercises that I learned with the trainer. I also took his advice to try slowing down the movements, to get more of an effect.  Finally, he recommended lighter weights with more reps, but I'm kind of at the point of maxing out my dumbbells, so I just took it slower and did an extra set, with 15 reps (for the most part).  I wish I could have done more, but I just ran out of time.  

Eating was a little shaky last night.  I had a protein shake, and a smal scoop of chunky peanut butter (1 teaspoon) and was able to stop it with that.  In the afternoon, at work, I got really anxious, feeling that "food fit" feeling.  It was 4pm and all I wanted to do was to stuff my face with peanuts.  So I went downstairs into our lunchroom (where all the snacks are kept) and just walked around the large conference table, repeatedly, breathing deeply, until I felt strong enough to go back upstairs and finish out the day.

So I'm working on catching these emotional times and trying to mitigate and dissipate the physical feelings until I am re-centered and stronger.  THAT is the project.

And frankly, if I can put this out there also, I really need to do a morning meditation at work.  I have been skipping this last week, maybe the week before, and starting this week too, and it's not to my benefit.  So that will be another project to start and build up.  I NEED TO DO THIS FOR MYSELF.

Progress as of today: 54 lbs lost so far, only -2.5 lbs to go!

horn_of_plenty on 10/12/2021:
OMG. the wrong procedure. i see an upcoming suit. may as well be compensated. that is negligence! oh wow!!!!..

nice you had time to catch up with them. i think people try to be supportive and will not be calling you out on your choices, no matter what...even if the choices are ones they may not choose for themselves.

i am very glad you had a good chat with those ladies. nice in general to have some communication / socialization !

i hope you get morning meditation in today.

also, i may be writing tips soon in my entry about ways i lower calories when very hungry or when eating meals at home, especially after work meals / later meals / or meals like yesterday after a trip when i need to study after ...but want to eat and relax first...lol..you know it involves veggies.

PlayingQuietly on 10/12/2021:
DddaaanNnnGgg!!! that's scary, especially with the anesthetist there~ like a neon sign~

bearcountrygg on 10/12/2021:
Well now that is scary!!! When my Dad was having surgery a nurse came in and handed him an ink pen and told him to write his initials on his left thigh so that they operated on the left side.......I left the room to give him a moment and when I went back in his room...he had written on the left side of his hospital gown.....LOL....so I had to leave the room again while he wrote on this left thigh....things can go wrong so easily.

Maria7 on 10/13/2021:
I used to do meditation/relaxation exercises. I found them to be very beneficial at that time. Hope you are having a blessed day.

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