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Donkey - Monday Jul 19, 2021
(Low carb eating w recumbent bike, yoga, weights)
Weight: 136.0

Day 1 of 5:  Going to get through this.

Tonight is my rest night, so no evening bike ride.  I learned that lesson the hard way 2 weeks ago.  Instead, after dinner, I will spend time taking my plants from the yoga room upstairs down and out to the deck, so that they get a few weeks of summer weather.  I need to clean out that room, so moving the plants is the first step in the process.  Otherwise, I would keep the plants where they are.  They seem happy enough.  It will take several trips up and down stairs, and it needs to get done.  Then bedtime as early as possible - DEFINITELY; NOT NEGOTIABLE.

I've decided to look into barbell exercises, to see how I can best utilize the investment made in my new weight plates.  This first, rather than trying to purchase heavier dumbbells.

In the evenings, I usually have 2 dark chocolate Hershey kisses.  I've decided to have my gourmet chocolates instead.  Last night I had 2 chocolates... I'm wondering if I could limit myself to only 1, since they are quite decadent, even for a small little thing.  However, if it has to be 2, then that's fine too.

The Boss was unable to get a reservation in Wisconsin for a "long weekend", so unfortunately, he'll be in the office all week. 

Did I mention at 5:04pm on Friday, one of our agents sent me a contract?  So there's already 1 of them waiting for me.  And the weather was beautiful this weekend - perfect for looking at houses.  Ugh...  Well, best not to focus on what might be, and just get to the office and face it head on, with a *cheerful disposition* because that's what the Boss wants. 

Progress as of today: 50.5 lbs lost so far, only 1 lbs to go!

Jacky82020 on 07/19/2021:
Barbells & dumbbells are good! I sometimes use dumbbells while I ride the bike & it’s hard for me: reading, riding & dumbbelling. Keep slowing down. Difficult to maintain a good pace.

I could never in a hundred million years limit myself to one or two kisses unless there were only one or two in the house.

Donkey on 07/20/2021:
I used to be a binge eater, so one of my goals is to be able to eat in moderation. With the exception of the occasional food fit, I've overcome that really bad habit. I think that's why the "food fits" feel so disappointing - because it's a throw-back to those turbulent days.

Horn_of_plenty on 07/19/2021:
your plants will hopefully get good sun - they may need more water in the heat right?

you can maybe use the barbell as a large dumbbell, to exercise both arms at once - but first see what online says...

2 of the decadents are def more moderate than a lg dessert or cake, yes! :)

think of it as a challenge, this cheerful disposition :) basically though, i've also heard advice to be genuinely yourself ;)

Donkey on 07/20/2021:
Getting more water is one of the reasons for the move. In the Plant Room (Yoga Room), I sometimes forget to water them often. Now that they are on the deck, they will be added to the daily watering rotation.

That's a good idea about challenging myself to be cheerful; I hadn't thought of it that way.

I'll write more in relation to your comments in today's entry.

Jacky82020 on 07/20/2021:
I kept all the houseplants inside this year except the amaryllises. And an ornamental pepper. I bought 3 last year, beautiful things. Two croaked and the one has a few tiny white peppers that should turn red. Doubt this plant will be as loaded with bright red peppers as when I bought it. Plan to get another, think Lowe’s has them late summer.

Donkey - Sunday Jul 18, 2021
(Low carb eating w recumbent bike, yoga, weights)
Weight: 136.0

Good morning!  It does not feel like a Sunday.  My family came back this morning, from their visit in Vegas, so the morning routine is all messed up.  Also, in order to have time to spend with Daughter this afternoon, I am going to the gym in the morning - as soon as I'm done writing here, I think.  So my morning bike ride was very short.  That's OK.  Right now, Husband and Daughter are sleeping, as they didn't get much sleep on the red-eye flight home.  Time-wise, this works out perfectly, but it will feel weird to go to the gym in the morning.

AFTERNOON EDIT:  I got to the gym around 8:15am, and there were quite a few people (women) also arriving.  When I left at around 10am, there were a lot more people there.  I'm glad this happened because it seems that IF I need to go in the weekend mornings, the time to go is ideally 7am or earlier.

No gross people (other than the usual) this time.  Thank goodness!

Yesterday's trip to the gym was disgusting.  The guy on the machine in front of me was GROSS.  He was coughing and blowing his nose into a hand towel, then using that same towel to wipe off his bald head, and THEN putting that towel into his gym shorts, as a holding place.  Eeeew!!!!  And not just once, but multiple times!!!  YUCK!!!!   Then some other guy comes over and hops onto the eliptical machine right next to mine -- all those other machines available, and you've got to exercise right next to me.  Ugh...  I wanted to just finish up what I had to do and get out of there, ASAP -- which I did.

As a treat to myself, I touched up my gray areas in my hair last night.  If I can be honest here, I did this partly so that I don't look so old when Queen Bee comes to the office next week.  She's an obnoxious person who points out things like gray hair and stuff - no filter between brain and mouth whatsoever.  So this is hopefully one less thing for her to pick on, although I can already hear her saying, "Is your hair darker?"

I did well with eating, although it was very tempting just to have a big dessert or something indulgent.  I've had several thoughts of doing this, but I am determined to meet my goal - this month, if my body will cooperate.  It doesn't help though that Husband brought back a HUGE box of gourmet chocolates from the chocolate factory they visited in Vegas. (Ethel M. chocolates are something special!) 

I received an offer from the Continuing Ed company with "early bird" specials on their webinar, now.  So I can sign up for $64 "self-study" that I would do gradually or $98 for an all day webinar.  Now that I have a tablet, I might do the all-day webinar, since I wouldn't be tied down to my desk.  I could sit outside, I could ride my bike, I could do weights, I could go up to the bedroom, etc.  That might be worth it.  I'm going to think about it a little more, but I think that's worth taking a day off.  They do offer ONE Saturday webinar, but hey, my weekends are for ME.

If I did the webinar, it would be done all at once.  I don't know if I want to study over the weekends for the next 3-4 months.

I did not sleep well last night. I haven't checked last night's FitBit stats, but I did look at last weeks, and I was quite short on sleep for 3 days in a row.  That would explain why I feel so tired.  I got up early today so that I could be ready when the family came home, so I didn't get to sleep in.  I've been dreading going to sleep.  It's like I'll find anything to do so that I don't have to turn off the light and try to go to sleep.  And it's not like I've had problems falling asleep, really.  That happens without too many problems.  So I'm not sure why I'm dreading going to sleep.

Lack of sleep can lead to weight gain.  Maybe that's why I didn't lose any weight this past week...  Hmm...

Progress as of today: 50.5 lbs lost so far, only 1 lbs to go!

Jacky82020 on 07/18/2021:
Horrors! Those gym pigs are gross! I came to hate the gym I joined out west for similar reasons. Not to mention some of the men farted freely while grunting & sweating like pigs. I vowed I would buy home gym equipment when I sold my first novel. And I did! Sold a harlequin romance novel & got a 6K advance & bought the Paramount Multi-station machine. We still have it, a good 25 years later. Requires much space, but we had that too.

I’ve touched up grey for ages, but it started as brightening my dishwater blonde hair that was platinum when I was a kid. Took years to notice there was silver mixed with the gold. LOL. However, the L’Oreal medium blonde gives a highlight look which is good. I hear tell ppl pay the big bucks for those streaks & I can get them from a single Walmart box. You have to make sure the box is sealed. Ppl open them & steal stuff.

What kind of class are you interested and in? Can you use the tablet on your bike? Mine kept falling off, so the husband fabricated one. Ain’t the prettiest thing, but it works.

Donkey on 07/18/2021:
If we should happen to go into lockdown again, or if for some reason the gym is not available to me, I have sufficient to work out at home now. MAYBE get the heavier dumbbells (on my "to do" list), but I'm complete now as it is.

My hair dye box from 6 weeks ago was $10 an the touch-up tube was also $10 (a smaller tube but comes with a brush applicator, which I did not use).

The class is continuing education for my loan originator license. I use it very sparsely - I can't really go into specifics, but the lawfirm is my real, main job. However, it was such a challenge and chore to get the license (through the state) that if I can, it's something I want to keep current.

Jacky82020 on 07/18/2021:
Gotcha. Hated the continuing Ed classes required to maintain my California teaching license. Think it was every 5 years. Boring! Simple! Probably basket weaving classes would have worked.

Donkey on 07/19/2021:
LOL! I'm pretty sure I'm going to take an all-day webinar, maybe in August --- I need time away from the office sooner, rather than later.

Horn_of_plenty on 07/18/2021:
I'm glad you didn't encounter any more gross people at the gym today. that is pretty gross, considering Covid is still around we don't want people hacking and blowing noses and cleaning faces and throwing that same towel in every direction. ugh!

well, i gotta say, you will also benefit from looking nice with your darkened roots. I also do feel better when i do mine, too, even though i am not very gray, yet!

you know, why don't you enjoy those chocolates. as long as they are small, they can be added into your intake. i'm jealous of your chocolates!

i think it'd be smart to get the course done at once, yes.

i can tell you, i've never dreaded going to sleep...i dread waking up! haha...

Donkey on 07/19/2021:
I will write more about my response to what you've written here, but this resistance to trying to fall asleep is so odd... I mean, what is THAT about????

Horn_of_plenty on 07/18/2021:
the dark brown color i have been using from Amazon is under $5 if you are interested.

Donkey on 07/19/2021:
I am VERY interested. Let me know somehow.

Donkey - Saturday Jul 17, 2021
(Low carb eating w recumbent bike, yoga, weights)
Weight: 136.0

Well.....  I weighed in twice (starting with my right foot, LOL) and the scale said 135.5.  Then I thought, let's try it with the left foot -- FOOLISH.  The scale went back up to 136.  OK, so I went back to weighing in on the right foot -- so that I could see "135.5" again.  Unfortunately, my scale refused to budge and spit out "136" again.  Twice.  So no loss this week.  I was envisioning "134.5" so hard in my mind, but alas, it didn't happen.  I'm OK with 136.

I did give serious consideration to going to the gym last night - to meet my goal of going to the gym during the week, at least 1x.  It didn't happen.  HUGE drama at work that kept me there until after 6pm.  You bet I'll be putting in for overtime.  Then, Husband and Daughter called, at separate times, that kept me on the phone until almost 9pm, so it was just a no-go.  Like I said, this is a great goal, but I don't think it's going to happen this month, because this coming up week is going to be crazy at work, with Mistakes Girl on vacation.

I did well with food and rode my bike. No weights (intentional, per my weight training schedule).  Today is gym with upper body weights.  I'm trying to go when the TV programs will be most optimal, especially for the cardio session, but that would mean going to the gym earlier than usual, and that usually means when it's busier.  I'll work it out.

I also have to return library books and the usual laundry.  I plan to do a little research into the long weekend my husband and I are planning for the end of September.  There are hiking trails and I want to read up on those to see if that's something that we can do together.

My husband's meeting with the dietician has been scheduled for this Wednesday, so I will not be able to go.  I REALLY wanted to go with him to the apponitment, but I've let it go and determined that it just wasn't meant to be.  So perhaps it's for the best.

Wednesday just so happens to be the ONE day where I'm the only assistant in the office, since Nice Lady isn't helping out any more.  MG's on vacation, Queen Bee can only "help" on Tuesday and Thursday, and New Girl doesn't work on Wednesdays.  I did bring this to my Boss' attention.  He wants a happy face on everything, so he said we'll just get through it.  While I appreciate his positive attitude, this.... well, this just SUCKS.  It won't help to complain or be negative about it.  There comes a point where complaining backfires -- just look what happened to Nice Lady.  She got cut off!  So all I can do is get through it as best as I can.  I know that my co-workers have been in similar situations before, too, so it's just what happens at this office.

I realized this morning - and I want to chew on this some more - that I haven't been able to articulate to myself why I want to quit this job, which is why I haven't quit.  Well, today, I was able to do that.  I mean, I'm realistic, no job is perfect, but now I know why THIS job just isn't working for me any more.  I want to let this marinate more before I say more about it, but knowing why is a huge first step in this direction.

Feel free to skip this, since it has nothing to do with diet and weight-loss, but just another page in the drama I call Work...

So as you know, Nice Lady is no longer working for our firm, but working soley for Associate Attorney.  (They been together for almost 20 years!)  This week, she's been leaving at 3pm, so I asked her Friday morning if this was going to be her new regular schedule or if it's more of "To Be Determined".  It's more TBD, because right now, she's not real busy, so she stretches out her time as long as possible, but leaves at 3pm because she has nothing to do and is just wasting time.  We talked a little bit more about this change in her life, and what she could be doing with her free time.  Apparently, COVID fear is holding her back from pursuing volunteering.  She's a widow, with an autistic grandson that she takes care of, so she feels that her options are very limited.  I think her fear is holding her back, but it's whatever.  Obviously, she's having a hard time coming to terms that this is the beginning of her retirement.

This is all of her own making though.  She was complaining (repeatedly) about what the Boss was giving her to work on, that she's 72 and can't retire, etc., so now she's out, and now she's really regretting it, because she's afraid of what lies ahead for her.

Well, yesterday afternoon, I'm working at my desk, trying to get through what I need to do, so that I can leave on time, and I think I hear her crying on her cell phone.  Turns out, I was right:  She called Associate Attorney, crying that she's been fired, there's not enough work for her to do, she doesn't know what she'll do, she's been working since she was 16 and now she's 72, with nothing, because all she's ever worked for was small lawfirms with no retirement, no insurance, no nothing.  TRUE.  100% TRUE.  There is a payoff for working for a small firm, and that's one of the negatives.  And it's not like she didn't realize this or see this coming, but now that it's here, she's in a panic.

So at around 4:30p, Associate Atttorney asks me if he and I can discuss the "(Nice Lady) Situation".  I say OK, but first write the letters I need you to write, so that I can finish my work, and then we'll talk.  We start talking at around 4:50p, so obviously, I'll be staying  late.  He rehashes what I wrote above, I have a couple of suggestions as to how he can give her more work.  It's not like there isn't stuff that she COULD be doing.  She just doesn't want to work on the "special projects" that he would really appreciate her doing -- WELL THEN MAKE HER DO IT.  Just tell her it has to get done.  Well, she doesn't want to do that.  She wants to do bankruptcy and real estate, and Associate Attorney doesn't have enough of that on his own, to keep her busy.

I think he was just venting.  I said I would think things through, but if he wanted me to be supportive of any proposed changes, to let me know first, because I tend to shoot things down if it's sprung on me.  I also reminded him that any change has to go through the Boss.  I would just be willing to express my support, if I think it's a workable solution.

I realized on the drive home why some of what we discussed isn't really productive to a cohesive lawfirm. I don't know that we should make changes to accommodate 1 employee who, quite frankly, was never supposed to be a member of our lawfirm in the first place.

Progress as of today: 50.5 lbs lost so far, only 1 lbs to go!

bearcountrygg on 07/17/2021:
Go with that first number on the scale....Just saying!!! I'm wondering what nice lady was thinking all of those years while getting no retirement packages....she could have started her own....very poor planning on her part...looks like she will have to learn to live on social security....I think when your husband sees the nutritionist....hopefully she will give him some paperwork covering what he needs to eat....

Donkey on 07/18/2021:
Very poor planning - I'm not sure what she was thinking. She's not a wealthy woman, and gets food stamps and such, SSD for her grandson... I see this as more of an emotional struggle at the moment. I get it.

And it's not like she's totally at home. She'll still come into the office to do some work. There is SOME work for her to do.

Donkey on 07/18/2021:
She also has a lot of health issues, probably from years of self-neglect, that limit what she can do, too. Knee problems, lower spine, etc.

Horn_of_plenty on 07/17/2021:
well, weight maintenance is awesome too. it's a reminder of what needs to be done to maintain and that you need to unfortunately sometimes do more than you think, to lose. but also, maybe you had an indulgence here or there this week? pie?

if you don't make your gym goal, it's OK. sometimes our goals don't match reality...(i think that's what's occurring exactly with my accounting course!) i keep overshooting what i want to get done and it's holding me back as i then undershoot in reality. taking this course reminds me a lot of dieting. whenever i'd really try to cut calories is when i'd binge. like setting myself up for failure with too lofty to be an attainable goal.

i think that's very smart to go to gym or ride the bike during the best optimal programming on tv. i'd certainly do that, too. i try to plan for optimal efficiency also. that's why i took advantage of being in the city to obviously stay there - for nature and exercise. that's it. if you already have to go out of your way, it's best to fit things in as smoothly as possible (like why people join gyms closest to home or on their commute home)...and why people work out at home. convenience is key.

for those hiking trails, if your hubby can't do it all, perhaps there's benches to sit on so he can relax while you continue on? i don't think he'll be at your capacity...and i don't think you should have to do things only at his...this is my point of view only.

i know what you mean about it sucking you are the only assistant. i haven't really been in your shoes, but i've witnessed OTHER people i work with have to do more at times. all i can say is it's good to be the one being relied on because that is JOB SECURITY. and also that you can only go at your pace. try to think "let him fire me if he thinks my work isn't good enough..." and just do what you can...and be satisfied with it. you are human.

Donkey on 07/18/2021:
I didn't have any indulgences this past week, BUT last weekend, I went over my calories by about 100 on both Saturday and Sunday. Personally, I think this is just how my body works. Sometimes, it will hold for a week or 2, before it drops again. Or maybe this is where I'm meant to be. I'm not sure yet.

Thank you for the comforting words about my gym goal. I too tend to overshoot, sometimes. Like I said, it's a good goal. I'm not giving up.

I found a shorter, easier trail that he might feel up to doing. Or we just do what he can do on the harder trail. If he can find a place to sit, that would be very helpful for me. His problem is mobility; my problem is bathroom breaks. Oh getting old is grand...

Oh I'm going to remember what you said about job security!! Now that's the right way to think -- definitely "glass half-full" and positive. This will really help me keep a happier face on the day(s) :-)

Horn_of_plenty on 07/17/2021:
I didn't realize that Nice Lady is gone, now i do! Oh my! well, she wasn't bound to last much longer anyways..as we discussed. due to her age (lol) here i go discriminating lol.

oh, so she complained so much and was fired!? but at 72, cannot she have all the Social Security? does she not get any money from her late husband? money to take care of the autistic grandson.

be careful how bad you feel for her. i think she's more IN SHOCK than anything else. YES, that's my feeling.

and 72, not everyone like Nice Lady is going to want to "change tasks." or learn new things at work...that's the truth. it's even hard for me to learn new things at work. so imagine either of us being 72 and someone asking us to do new things...she's done i guess.

i guess he vented to you but that's it. bc you know it's not up to you.

perhaps the boss really wanted to fire her. perhaps she was already spoken to by the boss. perhaps that was why she was trying so hard for like a week...she was bound to be fired anyways?

you mean Nice Lady was never meant to be working at the law firm? not sure who you are talking about in your last paragraph.

i'm telling you, don't feel too bad for her. she's at a VERY diff stage in her life than you. You are like 20yrs apart...you have to think about you.

she prob would have been gone sooner or later - like around the same time anyways - she can always work in a diff environment, prob for even less money...but she can "still work," but it would take some getting used to as 20years in ONE place is a long time!

and look at it like this, she was YOUR age when she started there. not sure what she did before working at your firm, but she had to learn it. it shows that you can also move on if you have to; at any age....

change is hard. i wouldn't take her situation as yours though. but i also wouldn't complain. just be ready to take on other work.

the boss may have expected you to even pick up for her / also the reason he hired the new assistant to replace nice lady also. he will prob not want to hire any more assistants now.

you will prob need to spend some time working more with the new assistant. if she's smart, she'll prob catch on well in 2-3 months like i did at the other job....?

it could actually be for the best later; with you, the male assistant, and the new lady.

Donkey on 07/18/2021:
Just to be clear, Nice Lady will still be able to come to the office, she just won't be working for the firm (overall), only files that are Associate Attorney's only. I know, it's very confusing. My Boss has a really weird employment agreement with AA - it's not your standard employment contract. He's part of the firm, but still has his own business, too.

So it's not like she'll be stuck at home with nothing, ever -- at least not right now.

Nice Lady was never meant to be an employee of the firm. She worked with AA when he was in a struggling private practice. Tried to make it as a defense attorney, did some divorces, struggled a lot...

Boss hired him about 7 years ago, with the idea that AA would eventually be able to buy the firm from him. It was just supposed to be AA, because our firm already has a support staff, right? Turns out Associate Attorney brings along Nice Lady and a Spanish interpreter (who was this creepy man), neither of which we needed. Eventually the interpreter was let go, but Associate Attorney can't function without Nice Lady. He needs her for input, guidance, confidence.... Ridiculous.

So there's always been some underlying resentment with Nice Lady being at the firm.

Craziness of the Boss' own making...

Donkey - Friday Jul 16, 2021
(Low carb eating w recumbent bike, yoga, weights)
Weight: 136.0

I woke myself up early today and got out of bed around 4:30am, so that I would have enough time to do things for me:  bike ride, spend time with Baby Kitty (who is very happy on my lap right now, as I type here), push-ups, write here on DD...   I'm pretty sure my sleep score won't be the best - didn't get enough sleep, although did turn off the lights just before 10pm.  But I like having the extra time in the morning.

The challenge is that I am hungry, but I'm trying to hold off on breakfast until my usual time.  I have decided that once I reach goal and switch to maintenance, I think I will add a protein shake to my 2nd breakfast at work, instead of having Jacky's bouillon broth.   If I should reach my goal weight THIS weekend, I plan to continue to track using the Lose It app at least through the end of July.  I may continue to use the app into August (and beyond?) but will change the goals parameters.

I added 5lb plates to my barbell last night and did squats and lunge squats.  Whoa that extra weight made a difference!  My lower back is protesting a little bit this morning, but maybe it's just muscle soreness from the lifting, rather than an injury/strain.  No matter, because today is cardio only.

Yesterday at work was much better.  It helped that my Boss was gone at closings for the most part.  I was impressed that when he returned, he jumped right into doing work, and I know he was tired.  I wasn't even pressing him to do anything, as I feel that he does better work in the morning, when he has more energy. On the downsize, I stayed a little late to finish sending out letters he wrote, but I was actually OK with that.  I have no pressure from home to leave early.  One thing I really admire about Mistakes Girl is that she leaves promptly at 5pm pretty much 99.9% of the time - no matter what.

I seemed to be able to handle work stress better yesterday - even though I was confronted with unhappy people who were unhappy because of inconsistencies with my Boss.  There have been more frequent instances of my Boss having conversations with someone, and when I ask what was the outcome of the conversation (for my file notes, so that I'm in the loop), he says one thing --- but then we get a communication from the other person (client, agent, attorney), and it's completely different than what my Boss says was discussed!!!  For a while, I was thinking that the other people were mistaken, misunderstood, lying --- but now I'm wondering if it's my Boss that is having the "complication".  Hmmm....  This seems to be happening more and more often lately, which is why I'm wondering now.  Maybe I'm just looking for things to fit my analysis of his cognitive decline.

I set my 2 alarms for work --- they were really helpful, BUT I did not take the timeout that I had intended.  For the morning alarm, I took a minute and just said a prayer of gratitude at my desk -- took my hands off the keyboard, pushed my chair back a little, deep breathing, closed my eyes, relaxed, gave thanks.  For the second alarm, I turned it off and just never got around to doing anything for timeout.  However, I have these set as regular alarms so I will try again today.  I kind of look at this as vespers -- the religious calls to prayer by nuns, monks, etc., and therefore, should not dismiss the alarms so quickly but revere (or respect) them more.

I think one of the things I feel is most frustrating is that nobody at work is agreeing with me that the Boss is having these problems.  I seem to be the only person to realize this?  Or maybe I'm the only person talking about it.  I need to shut up.  And I need to continue to practice patience.  This is an opportunity for me to learn a valuable lesson.

Progress as of today: 50.5 lbs lost so far, only 1 lbs to go!

bearcountrygg on 07/16/2021:
I suspect that boss and the others are all coming away from the discussion believing that their side won.....more than likely NO ONE was really listening in that meeting at all.....seems to be life now...we are all in a funk. Yup...best not talk about boss at work....office politics can come back to bite. It is I'm sure very hard to know what to add to the files under those circumstances though. The dreaded miss communication happened at the closing of our last house......and our realtor lied to us about a private road maintenance costs we had paid that covered 3 years into the future after we sold that we were supposed to have returned to us at closing...didn't happen...caused some hard feelings and dirty looks....and we will never recommend him to anyone in the future....but we were free of that house and after some grumbling on the way out...we got over it..and actually I had forgotten it until right now. The Doctor i worked for was also dealing with some dementia around the time I left there....it was becoming obvious to all of the employees...we all highly respected him....and his son took over the practice....and now 20 years later....he is in a group home.....life does go on....

Donkey on 07/17/2021:
I realize that the "miscommunications" are and need to be the Boss' responsibility to "clean up". I need to remember this, for sure, especially on an emotional level. It's just hard to be between 2 people (one of them being my Boss) and having to hear 2 incongruent versions of what happened. Seriously, like I said, it feels like living in a Bizzaro Universe.

I did a little online research, which was helpful for me, to put things into perspective. Some of this is more likely just "old-age" related, more than dementia or Alzheimer's. You know, though, it seems as though everything started after his heart attack 2 years ago...

Donkey on 07/17/2021:
Reading this article (the link you sent) has me thinking about using melatonin as a long-term supplement rather than a temporary one. The article suggests that some use melatonin to get over jet lag or other temporary disturbances, to help reset a healthy sleep pattern.... I'm not so sure about a long-term solution. I'll have to read more about it.

Donkey on 07/18/2021:
Sorry - that comment should have gone to Happy.

happy-1 on 07/16/2021:
Hugs. Good job!

I am a little concerned about your lights out at 10 pm and up at 4:30 am pattern... You are stressed at work and having anxiety, symptoms of not enough REM. You won't catch that with Fitbit.

I posted a neuroscience of sleep article to one of your past logs. Here it is again. https://poweronpoweroff.com/blogs/longform/the-neurochemistry-of-sleep

Donkey on 07/17/2021:
I hadn't realized that I was slipping into an unhealthy patter. Thank you for bringing this to my attention.

Thank you for reposting the link to my diary. I've bookmarked it because I think it would be helpful to revisit it from time to time, as a refresher... maybe to help keep me on task for sleep goals. I also want to read the parts about the chemistry of waking up, etc., which I think will be insightful and helpful.


happy-1 on 07/16/2021:
To pull off a 4:30 AM wakeup time, you would need to be in bed by 8 and asleep by 8:30 to get through enough REM and feel good consistently.

Donkey on 07/17/2021:
Hmm... I have my FitBit sleep goal set for 7 hours. I notice that I tend to get higher scores in the 90 percentile when I get closer to 8 hours of sleep.... although when I get that extra sleep, I don't always "feel best". I *feel* better when I get close (but over) to the 7 hour mark. I can still function pretty well with 6 hours of sleep...

This week, I had a day or 2 of less than 6 hours of sleep...

Not feeling "best" with 8 hours of sleep may be my body reconciling and adjusting to getting PROPER sleep. Hmm...

Horn_of_plenty on 07/16/2021:
yes, i'd say to keep using the lose it app...or whatever it's called lol, i am not scrolling up!...

yes, keep using the app because it worked for you. and whenever you start to gain above 5 lbs, i'd go back to the app. or even at 3-4 lb gain, go back to the app. i think this has been a good app for your goals!

nice job increasing the weight of the barbell for squats. i use a weighted barbell. one is 30# and and the other is almost 35#. i only use the heavier. but the lighter one is there and i'm keeping it (for the time being) as they are both great tools.

i also admire people who can always just leave on time. i sometimes dilly-dally my leaving or get ready at the time to leave. i'm not as "prompt" on leaving either. i gotta tell you, even though it's "admirable," it isn't anything to show off about (the leaving on time no matter what.) however, it's a good goal for most of the time, i'd say.

you are better off just not talking about the boss to coworkers if they haven't agreed. let them notice. you may notice it more - you've been there a long time. i don't htink mistakes girl has been there long. and new guy hasn't. and then the older assistant guy has his own issues. you know what you know; and i don't doubt anything you say.

Donkey on 07/17/2021:
My plan is that once I reach goal, I will switch the app for a maintenance goal. Then, if my weight starts going up, I will switch the goal back to losing again.

I just remembered that I said I was going to keep this current goal for a complete month after I reached 135. (I confess I had forgotten that.) I still want to do that, so that there's not an immediate "before" and "after" but rather maintainable habits.

Donkey on 07/17/2021:
This reply also applies to what you said below, regarding the Boss. You're 100% correct, and I have to have confidence in knowing what I know, and believing what I'm hearing and seeing. I should not question my sense of reality (sanity). My sanity is my own.

Horn_of_plenty on 07/16/2021:
oh, i like that where you set your alarms at work to do some meditation / prayer.

ha, i told you Nice Lady wouldn't last long being "extra helpful." that's hard to keep up. she wasn't bound to do it for long.! glad i called that one! she's also old, how much more can she go...

the only fix with your boss is to not let anything get to you. you know, even if the firm closed or failed, ultimately it's totally on HIM.

Donkey on 07/17/2021:
The alarms will work for me -- it will just take some deliberate and intentional action (reaction) on my part. If nothing else, they are a reminder to be patient. Rather than taking a 5 minute break, I'm getting more like a 1-minute meditation with deep breathing break. Need to work on expanding that. I think I'm worth 5 minutes.

Donkey on 07/17/2021:
Ha ha - you and Male Co-Worker BOTH. Male Co-Worker was surprised that Nice Lady was taking all of this in stride. He said, "There will be more drama about this, you just wait and see" -- and sure enough, there was more drama (which I haven't written about since it happened after I wrote this entry on Friday).

Horn_of_plenty on 07/17/2021:
trust me, the one thing nobody especially myself would question is what you see and notice in your boss. you are good. xo

Donkey - Thursday Jul 15, 2021
(Low carb eating w recumbent bike, yoga, weights)
Weight: 136.0

Running so short on time this morning... *sigh*  Not a good start.  I set myself up for failure.  I woke up early yesterday to see off my family.  Ok that's fine, but then I did NOT go to bed early but stayed up until nearly 10pm.  Storms woke me up at 2:11am - which is the "danger time" for me. If I wake up around 2am, I have the HARDEST time getting back to sleep.  And sure enough, I could not fall back asleep until after 3am.  UGH!!!!!!

Woke up late this morning.  My Baby Kitty is mad at me because we did not have our usual cuddle times this morning, when we usually do - when I'm running early or on time.  I hope she can forgive me.  Maybe I'll try to make time for lap time tonight.  She's a tortie cat, so she doesn't need a lot of cuddle time but she does demand a minimum.

Got in my bike ride and leg weights at home this morning.  I still need to do push-ups.  I have my alarm set on my phone at work, once in the morning and once in the afternoon, and if I don't have time to do push-ups at home this morning, I hope the alarms will remind me to do them at work.  I'll write more about these alarms below...

I did not make it to the gym last night.  I will be the first one to say, Inner Peace is 100% correct:  excuses, excuses, excuses.  YES.  My intention was to go to sleep early, and as I mentioned above, that didn't happen.  D&MN.

Right now, I have more immediate hurdles to tackle that require my time and energy and rest.  I will keep trying for this goal, BUT I must address these other concerns FIRST and FOREMOST.  (See next section below...)

The frustrations I'm feeling at work are really getting to the point of jeopardizing my employment, I feel.  I *MUST* try to salvage what I can before I damange any more relationships.  Nice Lady is no longer helping out our firm.  She only works on Associate Attorney's bankruptcies now.  So next week, when Mistakes Girl is gone, she will not help:  no answering phones, no closing out files, no after-closing troubleshooting.  NOTHING.   I don't blame her - the Boss isn't paying her any more, because he hired the part-time New Girl.  If she's not getting paid, then she shouldn't work.  I agree.  It's just really hard on the rest of us, myself included.

We still don't know if/when Queen Bee will be coming in next week to "help".   

My resentment at my Boss has grown exponentially, and this must stop, for my own sake.  Plus, while I don't owe him anything, on a basic human being level, I do owe him respect and assistance.

So last night, I made myself 2 alarms, one during the 10 o'clock hour and one during the 3 o'clock hour -- these will be reminders to stop, step away from my desk, and reconnect with my emotions.  I will go into a private office, sit, breathe, recenter myself, for 5 minutes.

I vented to my husband last night, on the phone, and he said that when he gets back, we'll sit down and try to work this out.  Aww, he's such a man, wanting to "fix" things :-)  What a good husband he is...  I don't think there's a way to "fix" the situation -- I can only control myself and fix what is within my power to do so.

I'm running on minimal sleep, but let's hope today is more successful.  Patience, patience, patience....

Progress as of today: 50.5 lbs lost so far, only 1 lbs to go!

bearcountrygg on 07/15/2021:
Oh boy do I hear you!!!! I also am one who wants to help...wants to give respect even when others don't respect me.....always puts others first....eats the burnt piece of toast so others can have the perfect ones...tries to catch others before they fall.....always putting us last. I know I need to stop it. I know we teach others how to treat us. I know well how to be walked on....and yet....i try to keep others from being walked on!!!! I know you and I will never be the ones to walk on others....we don't have it in us. We just are not users and no matter how hard we try...I doubt very seriously that we could ever get there....but we can start putting ourselves first...everyone else is...and they get mad at us when we don't put them first. They say in a plane when it's time to put on the oxygen mask...put yours on first before your child's because your child would be in bigger trouble if you couldn't breathe at all. I think maybe we just might need to let others fall down....and give them a chance to learn the hard way....remember...they always kill the messenger. Hopefully we can learn to be more selfish.....and find our own happiness because it appears that it is what everyone else in the world is doing. I'm going to work hard to be more selfish....

Donkey on 07/16/2021:
Thank you -- You get where I'm coming from!! Seriously, I feel like I'm in some kind of Bizzaro Universe, but you get it. You know what I'm saying.

And you're right - I need to put the oxygen mask on myself FIRST, before I can do anything else.


happy-1 on 07/15/2021:
Sounds like you need a different job…

Donkey on 07/16/2021:
I know... I know... I'm not sure why I feel so tied to this job. I need to do some soul searching. I've gotten some really good advice and insight and honesty here.

happy-1 on 07/15/2021:
And ((((((hugs))))))))

Donkey on 07/16/2021:
Thank you SO much - this means a lot to me.

happy-1 on 07/16/2021:
I think you are still there for the same reason I am stuck here… You are short on quality sleep, which affects cognitive processes and energy levels, relationships, emotions, etc.

Donkey - Wednesday Jul 14, 2021
(Low carb eating w recumbent bike, yoga, weights)
Weight: 136.0

I have time to write today, because I was up at 4:05am to see off Husband and Daughter on their trip to Vegas for a short visit with my family.  The trip is mainly for my daughter, who has not been out to see her grandma in over 4 years.  I am a firm believer that one should not travel alone, so I sent Husband with her. It will do him good to get out of the house, too.

But ohhhhh it was painful when that alarm clock went off at 4:00am. If I wanted to do that on a regular basis, it would require some training and practice -- and determination -- to do so.  And I went to bed at a reasonable time - 9:40pm.  I would definitely have to go to bed earlier to wake up earlier.  This was a good lesson, in case I ever decide to be one of those "up at 3am" people to go to the gym.  And yes, I can see why Horn chooses to sleep in rather than take public transportation.

Did my push-ups for the day - it helps to do them in the morning, so that I don't forget.  Today is cardio only day, and a good night to try to go to the gym, if I am to meet my goal of going to the gym 1x (minimum) during the week.  As I was getting ready for bed last night, though, it occurred to me that this month, July, might not be the best month to have this goal.  I'm not sure I want to go out tonight, with no one home, in case something happens.  That's kind of fatalistic thinking, I know, and no way to live.  On the other hand, there is some degree of practicality to my thinking.  We'll see -- most will depend on how tired I am tonight, due to work and early wake-up.

My Boss is thinking of taking a long weekend, being off next Monday and Tuesday.  I hope he does this; I have encouraged him to do so.  Mistakes Girl will also be out of the office, so with him gone, it will make it much easier for me to do my work and Mistakes Girl's work - although Queen Bee is coming, in and SHE'S supposed to open up contracts.

He is doing exactly what I plan on doing in September.  It is hard (HARD) to watch other people taking days off...  I *know* that I need to take time off.  Mistakes Girl has told me I need to do it -- it's that obvious to her.  So when I take time off, it will be all the more sweeter. :-)

I am begging myself to just stay calm and focused on taking care of me, rather than getting all distracted with the chaos around me.  So maybe this time alone will help me do that.

Progress as of today: 50.5 lbs lost so far, only 1 lbs to go!

Jacky82020 on 07/14/2021:
Do you do all of your weight training at a gym? One can do a lot at home with dumbbells.

I used to really really miss Matt when he traveled occasionally for work. Hasn’t lately. Fortunately there’s a few guys there who love traveling. Both married. They go to Korea & Japan etc & leave the wives home. Never miss an opportunity to travel, that pair. LOL

Donkey on 07/15/2021:
I do dumbbells and barbell at home during the week, Tuesdays and Thursdays.

I use the weight machines at the gym on Saturdays and Sundays.

Great question, though! If I try out the heavier dumbbells at the gym, would that mean even more reason to go during the week? Or would I squeeze that in on the weekends? Gonna think on that!

Jacky82020 on 07/14/2021:
Dang, girl! Your graph is looking right pretty! Congrats!

Donkey on 07/15/2021:

bearcountrygg on 07/14/2021:
I 100% get you on 2 fronts.....I also tend to like the security of knowing someone is here to help if I have a car problem when I'm away from home...I think like that too....also...I just never was able to take days off work.....of course if there was illness or emergency they I did...but just to take a leisurely day off...just couldn't do it. One day...my road was a total sheet of ice...and I knew I would never get down the hill if I tried it...in fact it was 100% that I would end up sliding across the cross street and would end up in the ditch on the other side...I carefully turned around and went back home and called in...it just felt weird all day...the next day when the road was clear...I found out that no one else had a ice covered road like I did ( we lived on a private road).....and I think they doubted my reason......and that made me feel ever weirder.......

Donkey on 07/15/2021:
Yep, I'm the same way about taking time off. That's probably not a great way to think of taking time off, though. I need to enjoy life more, and not just go through my days on autopilot.

I had a very eerie feeling yesterday, as I left an empty house to go to work. I told myself that I am a competent adult, and I instantly felt better about leaving. I guess I believed it, lol.

Jacky82020 on 07/14/2021:
Glad you were smart & stayed safe, Bear!

innerpeace on 07/14/2021:
Oh Donkey - excuses, excuses. You cannot control anyone or anything! You can only control yourself. If something "happens" it's going to happen whether you are sitting AT HOME or if you are at the GYM! Go DO YOUR PLANS! MEET YOUR GOAL! SUCCEED!

Donkey on 07/15/2021:
I appreciated this pep talk! And you are 100% correct! I'm sorry to say that I did not make it to the gym last night, which I will write more about today, if I have time.

Please save this pep talk for a future entry. I will try again.

Horn_of_plenty on 07/14/2021:
perhaps you are just looking for a quiet night at home by yourself? if i lived with my parents, and i was busy working, i would probably want one night of going to bed early when they are away and the house is quiet...but that's just me ;)

also, way to go on your graph like jacky said.

lastly, regarding waking up early and then needing to go to bed earlier to sleep enough, the young 23yo girl at work says to me i have no excuse not to go to the gym lol...bc she does and she's the one with the 3hr commute using public trans. she lives in southern jersey on the jersey shore and bc of water and the area where she lives, it takes a long time to get to work. she doesn't drive to work bc it would be an additional 1200 a month!

anyways, she was saying how she gets home around 7:30, goes to gym, leaves gym at like 9pm, goes to supermarket, cooks dinner then...

...and how she gets like 4 hours sleep.!

in my head, and out loud, i said to her, that's not for me! haha.

she may be fully skimping on sleep now at 23...but let her try this for years...and see how she feels at almost 39 doing this routine! it gets old! lol.

...she'll end up getting married, having babies...i def don't see her doing this commute for her whole young adult life. no way!

anyways, what i'm trying to say is the sleep isn't really something to be skimped on to the point where you cannot live your best life. for instance, i'd binge and have more breakouts and just feel unwell if i skimped that much on sleep now. those days are done.

happy-1 on 07/15/2021:
If you went to bed at 9:40pm and woke up at 4 am, you very likely sorted yourself on a REM cycle. Possibly the anxiety about leaving while people are gone is really your brain trying to get you back on track for sleep. Acetylcholine buildup is a mind-cluck. https://poweronpoweroff.com/blogs/longform/the-neurochemistry-of-sleep

happy-1 on 07/15/2021:
Sorry… Adenosine. One of the A ones, anyway.

Donkey - Tuesday Jul 13, 2021
(Low carb eating w recumbent bike, yoga, weights)
Weight: 136.0

Oh my goodness!!!  After yesterday's "rest day", I can tell you all how important rest is for a body, especially as we get older.  I did do my morning bike ride - to loosen up my hips and back - and I did do my push-ups, but after that, it was minimal steps.  I did not take a lunchtime walk, but dropped off cans at the cat shelter, and then went shopping for some sugar-free candies at a special store.  I park FAR away and walk up to the store, but that was the extent of the lunchtime walking.

When I did yoga at night, I realized just how much I missed stretching out and relaxing.  It's an hour of de-stressing that I really need in my life.  I won't have class next week, because of the time crunch (Mistakes Girl will be on vacation, and I'm already planning on staying later most days).

I did notice, during yoga, that I'm starting to see and FEEL results from the hard work I've been putting in.  I felt like I had a little more "room" to move, and some of the static moves I was able to hold with not too much effort, so that I could focus on form and not just holding myself up.

 Needless to say, I feel GREAT this morning. I had a nice bike ride, shorter so that I could get in my awesome upper body weight training session!  I did extra this morning because I had time and energy, and I realized I might not feel this great after a full day at work. (Ha ha ha ha!)  I will be doing my push-ups after I log off from here.

I found myself becoming very frustrated with my Boss and his cognitive decline yesterday.  That is not who I am.  You see, I am 2 people:

  1. I'm a person who is not unkind, and while I may not be the most patient, I do empathize with people and their struggles.
  2. I am a person who works hard and wants to get the job done; anything that interferes with that causes me frustration, and my impatience flares up.

The positive #1 tends to get stomped on by the negative #2 -- she's a force to be reconded with.  I just get so consumed and overwhelmed by work that I lose sight of what's REALLY important. HELP!!!  What do I do???

Progress as of today: 50.5 lbs lost so far, only 1 lbs to go!

Jacky82020 on 07/13/2021:
Sorry your Boss can be a jerk!

Sounds like you had a very productive day. Sure many more to come!

I see you lost 50 pds. How long did that take?

Donkey on 07/14/2021:
It took me about 6-7 months to lose 50 pounds. Then, several times, I've gone beyond that, only to gain it back up to the 130's. It was with the shutdown last year that I did some emotional eating, reacting to the uncertainty of COVID. Really ridiculous on my part, but there you go.

bearcountrygg on 07/13/2021:
I don't like interruptions when I am concentrating either and the older I get...the more they bother me. I don't know what to do about it either......I try to remind myself that I'm not doing brain surgery here yet....at the moment...it's irritating....my tolerance level is getting lower and lower.

Donkey on 07/14/2021:
Thank you - it's helpful to know that I am not the only one, and that you can relate to how I feel. I will try to keep the brain surgery perspective in mind. This is true, and a helpful tool -- it just all gets very lost in the whirlwind of work.

Horn_of_plenty on 07/13/2021:
you will be able to easily move up to 20# dumbbells. if you can do 3 sets of at least 12 reps, you should move up. especially if your form is very good and you aren't overcompensating somehow with wrong form. and i know you aren't bc 15# isn't very heavy. that's almost where i began when i started weightlifting, but maybe i started at 5/10# but i rememeber, sort of, that i quickly gained way and moved onto the 20# quite easily. i think anything after that took a lot more work.

the only way i am able to keep the chest flies doing at least 1 or 2 sets of 35# is almost always 3x per week exercise, with a couple 2x per week mixed in. the minute i lower that 2-3x a week intensity or take time off, i'm back to 30# and always have to work my way back up. and of course, besides all this, i have stood by my pushups..

Donkey on 07/14/2021:
I could probably do to move up to 20's. I'm going to try this out at the gym, and see how it goes. I can "borrow" theirs (at the gym) until I can purchase my own.

I just got some plate weights for my barbell, so dumbbells will have to wait.

Horn_of_plenty on 07/13/2021:
Re - the woman who lives in my building that works in my industry doing essentially what i do (assisting project managers) except she assists a main one and his small stuff and she's been there like 20yrs and just her so she has prob a lot of organized work and schedule. she has also had extremely early start times, i think she used to start at 6am and be out by 2-2:30. it's a diff company that's part of the same electrical union. I also think her commute is pretty good and that it may be that she works in the same borough as she lives. she just got really lucky that it all panned out for her. she's very nice. been married awhile and she's turning 45....but her son is only 5. she and her hubby decided on the child later on.

so this woman is pretty logical, nice, sweet and we catch up time to time.

i asked her what she thought about me taking time with all these new people and coming across as always taking time off. she totally just said that if i have time, to use it. to do my work and that life's too short to care about what they think and that i should do what i need to do...like i said, she's 45 and has worked a psoition like mine but even earlier hours and all through the pandemic and i am sure she's a great worker, for at least 20 years. but she said, if i have the time available, i should just use it.

Donkey on 07/14/2021:
Fundamentally, your neighbor is correct. And that's how it *should* be at our office, too, but it's not.

Male Co-Worker gets 5 weeks' vacation/sick time off , which he negotiated instead of getting raises, so he has a lot more time than I get. I'm not sure how Mistakes Girl is managing this time off... Everyone starts off with 2 weeks' time off in their bank. She's been off way more than that.

Horn_of_plenty on 07/13/2021:
next, i handed in my timesheet / emailed my timesheet to pissy patty early today instead of tomorrow since i will not be at work.

i had to ask the project executive which is the highest level boss in the trailer (and a nice man who is extremely up front and easy going with def giving the benefit of the doubt and trying to make sure everyone gets along, he's fair, humble...a good boss to have as of now)...so i told him i was going to send her my timesheet today since i will not be in tomororw and a joke was made that i was taking time...maybe it was me who said it...and how he's known me a short while but i'm already taking time...

fair and square he said to me, if you want to take time off, you take time off and do not worry. basically, he made it clear that i can take the time i need to now. i'm new and my workload really isn't huge right now. i'm flexible in what i do and my every task isn't laid out yet. i sometimes assist others, etc.

but the main point he made clear is that he doesn't really mind what i do as long as i am clear about the time i'm taking (and probably do not take time last minute but do it in a formal manner with a week or two heads up before a couple days off - is my guess) - and to not lose my professionalism in how i do things...

Donkey on 07/14/2021:
It's good that you had that conversation with your current boss. It sounds like he's quite reasonable about taking time off as long as it's done in a mannerly way. That's so nice.

And he's right - if you have the time to take off, it's your privilege to use it as you see fit. My boss seems to not realize this sometimes. Not with me, because I never take a lot of time off, but with others.

Horn_of_plenty on 07/13/2021:
i think my ability to take off is quite diff than yours. not everyone, btw, in my trailer can take off like i do.... some can especially us 3 female assistants, but the project executive and most Project managers haven't taken much more than 1-2 days just like me so far.

However, there's an engineeer and his assistant and both of them have already taken at least 3 days off each recently. also, in the time i've been in the trailer i think just about everyone has taken at least 1 day off in the past 1.5months.

it's a tough industry and many of us have long commutes and most of them have families. some have younger kids...

but for you, remember to be true to your own self. September is a nice time for a few days off. I will prob take your suggestion and do it in September too.

I am lucky in that i have a total of 15 vacation days and 5 sick days. I will not be trying to save them...first I will take care of my health and use them when I see fit. If I have leftover that i can be paid for, ok, but if i don't I will not be upset about it. (this company pays for all unused days annualy but it's not always worth it to save time off).

Donkey on 07/14/2021:
Yes, I see how your situation is different than mine. Not only the politics of taking time off, but also the dynamic of the work itself. If I take a day off, I am so far behind that it's twice as stressful just trying to figure out what I missed.

I get 2 weeks' off (80 hours), and this year, 1 week of that was used for COVID quarantine, when my daughter had it. Ours is just time off, regardless of if you are sick or vacationing. On the other hand, I think I'm the highest paid assistant on the team.

Horn_of_plenty on 07/13/2021:
With my old commute, i had more time to stretch. I would stretch waiting for the bus in the morning. I'd stretch waiting for the train in the subway. I'd walk more and everything. and i do notice my body is getting a bit tight and my back sometimes very inflexible while sitting at work. my point - yes, stretching and your yoga is wonderful for you.

Donkey on 07/14/2021:
I need to do more of it... it just seems to not happen.

Horn_of_plenty on 07/13/2021:
OH! the best thing about my time off:

Wednesday, the owners (they own like 49%) who bought my company (3 from Israel, one lives here), they are part of a larger company that my company is owned by, are coming tomorrow. being that my workload is iffy and the more people in the office, the louder, I am sad to miss seeing these men - but happy not to add to the chaos of the day (seriously).

Thursday, the owners (51%) of only my company, who inherited it from their father in the electrical industry and my company is still family-owned by them but they have sold around half to the Israeli larger company as i do not think the current NY owners have any family that can take it over after they get older (i don't think their kids will ever work in the electrical industry like they did after they inherited the company from their father)...

anyways. THURSDAY: the owners who i used to work next door to and for like 3 weeks during office renovation i had to work in the same office as ... and one of the two brothers who gave me a hard time (after knowing my dad and everything he still felt the need or desire to somehow treat me like a child and without any understanding), will be coming to the trailer. I will miss this visit. and for that, i know, i am thankful and i know it's a good thing.

So, i gotta say, these three days workout out GREAT.

Donkey on 07/14/2021:
Definitely a blessing in disguise! I love how you didn't even plan it this way, only to find out that you will be avoiding such unpleasantness - even the thought of it. That's great!

Horn_of_plenty on 07/13/2021:
and no, i didn't know they were coming till after i planned the 3 days. i didn't plan it knowing there were upcoming visits...that'd be weird! LOL

Donkey on 07/14/2021:
See my comment above - HA HA HA HA! Kismet is in your favor :-)

Horn_of_plenty on 07/13/2021:
OK. regarding your boss i have only this advice..

At my work, the project executive and 2 other men in particular have to deal with a woman (well all us women), who are honestly (all of us including myself) not as smart as they are.

they have to remain PATIENT. even when the youngest of us says things that they just want to probably tell her off about.

the two men in particular that i'm thinking of, have this ability to be very calm and explain things without any effort to anyone no matter their abilitiy and i'm so lucky in this way...that i'm working with pretty patient people.

What you need to do in my opinion is NOT EMPATHIZE with the boss. rather: yes, be kind. yes, be a listener. yes, do your work. yes, be patient.

but no, do not talk unnecessarily long with him or give advice or anything. do not feel bad he is a certain way or lacking.

only do your work and you may have to look beyond this job for a new job. i don't know.??

your boss deserves no empathy from you.

he has money. he has what he needs.

you take care of you. try more to play that proffessional role and "play the game" of leaving the empathy and those emotions more at the door.

you can talk here and to your hubby abuot these things.

and it's good you notice his decline as it's good to be observant wherever you are....

but you cannot let it influence your behavior or work as much as you want it to.

not sure if you can gather anything from this advice, but that's what i could think of now.

just to take care of you. there are other jobs. you can prob make more money just about ANYWHERE. perhaps really try to take a chance and work somewhere else close to home when the opportunity arises, IF it arises. obviously i haven't checked the job market for real estate paralegals in chicago suburbs.

i'm trying to say, don't lose your own focus over focusing on the boss.

Donkey on 07/14/2021:
YES - and others here have said the same thing. And it's not to say that we're not uncaring or not sympathetic, but at the end of the day, he's the Boss, this is a business, and I can be replaced quite easily.

I need to take care of me. Everything else is kind of out of my control. I MUST remember this, for my own sanity.

Horn_of_plenty on 07/13/2021:
I like Bear's advice re interruptions.

at my current workplace, if you reallly don't want to be interrupted, many have doors. they close the door. i can't do that. and i was give these lower cubicle walls while everyone else has walls almost as tall as the ceiling. hmmm. would be nice if you had those around your desk!!

Donkey on 07/14/2021:
Yep, which is why I really HATE that my desk is right out in the open. In fact, I'm also the receptionist for people who drop by to the office. It was so nice when our door was locked for COVID, and everyone had to make an appointment and stay downstairs in the conference room.

Horn_of_plenty on 07/13/2021:
sorry so many messages. finally had the time to sit and write!

Donkey on 07/14/2021:
I'm glad that you did -- your comments are very helpful and insightful. I gave you advice, based on what I know from my own situation, and now I understand more fully what you have to work with. I think workers should share their experiences more often, so that we know what others have and don't have.

Horn_of_plenty on 07/13/2021:
* i made a mistake above in typing when i was talking about that woman in my building...i mean she's assisting a PM and his SMALL STAFF (not stuff!)

Donkey on 07/14/2021:
LOL ;-)

Donkey - Sunday Jul 11, 2021
(Low carb eating w recumbent bike, yoga, weights)
Weight: 136.0

Yesterday was a good day, but here are a few learning points:

  • I did not do my 2nd set of push-ups for missing Friday's push-ups, like I said I was going to do.  To be honest, I just forgot (again), but as I was doing the push-ups for today, I realized (or rationalized with myself) that Friday is gone, and I missed it.  So just gonna move on forward with what I have to do today, which is why I was doing push-ups early in the day, to get them done.
  • I went over my calories a little bit, but I also was very active.  I got in over 32,000 steps yesterday.  Anything over 30K is a very active day.  More activity requires more fuel.  So I'm not beating myself up over this, but just making an observation.
  • Having eaten a little more, and having a higher carb dinner than usual, though, I woke up not feeling hungry.  I was not desperate for breakfast, had breakfast at 9:35am, and I should be good until it's time for lunch.   

I am telling myself NOW that I do not want to have to lose this weight AGAIN.  As I get older, doing this again will be harder to do. I will never be a waife that I've tried to be in the past.  I've been given THIS body, and it's up to me to take care of it while I'm here on earth.

EVENING EDIT:  Went over calories again today.  I was doing OK until Husband decided to put bacon in everything we had for dinner.  Well... truth be told, I was hungry after the gym.  If I didn't want to go over calories, I should have cut back on my portions.  No worries - I will be back on track tomorrow with work.

My step-count isn't as high as Saturday's, but I am physically tired.  I had a fun time at the gym though.  I'm starting to see some progress.  I'm glad tomorrow is a rest day and yoga.  Last Monday, I did not really get my rest day, since yoga was canceled for the holiday weekend.

I am a licensed mortgage originator (loan officer), although I don't use it.  However, every year, we have to have 8 hours of continuing education.  I can save $$ by signing up for the "self study" course now.  The last time I did the "self-study" version, it took me 16 hours to complete an 8-hour course.  (Had to repeat several sections and took a longer time with the quizzes and such.)

I guess maybe Horn's studies are rubbing off on me, because I'm actually considering doing this.  I would do an hour each Saturday and Sunday until I've finished.  I really don't like the idea of taking ANY time off of my weekends to do anything relating to work, but it would be much cheaper.

I can do it this way or wait to pay a little more and sign up for the live webinar - which is 9 hours (because we get an hour for lunch), but then I'd have to take the day off of work, because it's during the week.

No matter which way I decide, it's all very dry material.  I guess I have to get through it, one way or the other - it just depends on how much I want to pay for it and how much time I want to devote to it.  Another classic example of how "time is money".


Progress as of today: 50.5 lbs lost so far, only 1 lbs to go!

Jacky82020 on 07/11/2021:
Are those bike steps or walking steps? I’m been aiming for 30K too, but most are bike rotations. I really should find a daytime TV show I can watch & spend more time on the treadmill, but it’s so easy to read on this iPad. It bounces around too much on the treadmill.

You’re really doing terrific! Yay, Donkey!

Donkey on 07/11/2021:
Good point! Saturday's 32,000+ steps were a combo of bike, activity (yardwork and housework), and elliptical at the gym. I know what you mean - yes there's a difference between walking/running steps and those that come from a bike (or perhaps the elliptical) -- BUT I have found (for me) that once the step count - regardless of where it comes from - reaches 30,000 -- I'm TIRED!

bearcountrygg on 07/11/2021:
Wow...32,000 steps is amazing...I struggle to even get 10,000 and that's on a good day. I agree...losing it all over gain is not an option!!! I used to take that too lightly...never again.

Donkey on 07/11/2021:
See above my clarification to Jacky. I agree with her that there is a difference, until I get to a point and then it's all effort.

Donkey on 07/11/2021:
Let me also add that I could never ride my bike for hours on end. It starts to hurt my hips, legs and feet. So I break it up, with about an hour in the morning, and maybe 40 minutes at night.

Jacky82020 on 07/12/2021:
30K is challenging no matter how you do it!

Donkey on 07/13/2021:
YES!!! (at least for me)

horn_of_plenty on 07/12/2021:
i will write more but that's a hard decision re the coursework on the weekend or getting it all done in one shot.

honestly, i see getting it all done in one shot as better, but, you do not have a lot of vacation time if i remember. also, it would give you some "organized" time on the weekend which could easily help you with your weightloss / maintenance goals - and you'd still be home so you can eat/ snack what you want anytime.

Donkey on 07/13/2021:
I'm taking into consideration this comment, as well as your other comment below, regarding the CE class. I'm not sure how long the "deal" for the cheaper self-study class will last. But I am DEFINITELY taking your comments into consideration.

horn_of_plenty on 07/12/2021:
Oh love your thoughts and it def becomes harder to lose weight each time around. You have done well abs it’s all been maintenance and not really needing to lose over 10 lbs again so that is wonderful. Overall you have stuck to it. I have found that after maintaining a long time, I have been able to sometimes lower cals or learn to maintain a bit better and hit the lower weights at the end of the spectrum, as I have done this year. However, part of the weight loss can also be a constant change of routine where I haven’t settled into a comfort zone yet with work, etc which has always helped me in weight loss (bc you want to make a good impression….) and appetite is lost a little bc it’s all new work atmosphere etc .

When I’m at my computer I’ll answer the other questions it really is not much more to say bit I feel it’s a lot of words to type idk why . I’m lazy lately with it

Donkey on 07/13/2021:
Yes, I've GOT to do better with maintenance this time.

horn_of_plenty on 07/12/2021:
Honestly you have to decide if it’s worth many weekends of time studying. It may be better that way but it will be a long term thing taking 2-3 months or like a season.

horn_of_plenty on 07/12/2021:
Ok I’ll write answers here before I forget.

I do have only one dumbbell that is #40. I use it only one at a time per arm so that’s the reason I only have one. I use it solely for bicep curls and I stand at a posture that helps me curl. As well, I would have better range if I used a lower weight. Sometimes when I get weak, I do less curls bc I can’t get up to my usual reps and th. I take a lower weight dumbbell and follow up with more curls. This is always how I increase strength when I start to lose some - by doing some extra curls following the higher weight with lower and like also having an extra set.

For overhead chest press on my back on the bench, I like to use #35 dumbbells - I have a pair. I usually cannot do all three sets eith 12 reps and I sometimes need to do a set at #30 which I also have a pair. I also have around a 20-25 pair that is adjustable to any weight and it’s somewhere between the 20-25 and not exact bc like I said it’s adjustable but I always forget what it is. I use that when I’m getting weak especially abs after a heavy set that maybe I can only do 6 reps, I’ll quickly switch to it until fatigue and it helps me build myself up both in biceps and overhead press.

I only have one #40 Bc I haven’t felt like buying another as I continuously lose strength in the overhead press and continuously fall between either doing well with the #35 set or backing off and needing the #30 abs extra reps to get myself Back up to #35. I was thinking. To order one #45 for biceps again but I haven’t done it yet. I like the weights that are plastic coated abd non adjustable …the are also easier to hold. I should indulge for my bday in a #45 - for fun for biceps . Still prob not getting another #40 for a pair unless I stay much stronger on the shoulder press on my back …. I think I’ll answer your other questions re vacation tomorrow as I think I’m going to bed- I will answer when I have time off - I’m a bit tired out - nothing about you at all.

Donkey on 07/13/2021:
Now that I think about it, I think we had a very similar conversation, when I was considering buying heavier dumbbells. I specifically remember that you had mentioned the need for only 1 dumbbell of a heavier weight because of the types of exercises I would be doing.

So hopefully I remember what you have this time, so that I don't ask you again.

But 35# I'm really impressed. In fact, the heaviest I have is 15#. I should try the 20# at the gym, first, to see if I'm ready to purchase the next level.

Donkey - Saturday Jul 10, 2021
(Low carb eating w recumbent bike, yoga, weights)
Weight: 136.0

 I do not trust my scale - BUT right now, I need all the motivation I can get to keep going, so I'll take this number.  When I weighed in, stepping on the scale with my right foot first, I consistently got 136.0.  BUT when I stepped on the scale with my LEFT foot first, I got different numbers, that were not so rewarding (discouraging, actually).  Three times with the right foot showed 136, so that's what I'm going with.

It feels good to be a little lighter, not carrying around the extra bloat, clothes fit more comfortably, too.  But as I wrote earlier this week:  THIS IS HARD.  Firstly, it takes conscious effort:  food choices, portion control, etc.  Then, there's dealing with the other feelings:  some fatigue, some anxiety, a little sadness (especially at the end of the day).  If I were maintaining, I would have had some frozen banana after my evening bike ride, to help.  However, especially with weigh-in this morning, I refrained.  That is the difference between weight-loss behavior and maintenance behavior.  

Jacky has mentioned this, and I have heard this too, in other circles, that people who fast intermitently, claim that they actually experience more clarity and more energy.  I don't discount what others have experienced, but I don't get to that point.  However, I see this as an opportunity to grow emotionally, perhaps spiritually.  Rather than to wallow in the negative symptoms, I will work on embracing these feelings and sensations, and explore them further.

I completely forgot to do the push-ups yesterday.  I thought about doing them *several* times throughout the day, both at work and at home, and then... just never got to them.  I realized this omission this morning, while I was on my bike.  Well, this is why this is a challenge.  I was/am prepared to miss a day here and there.  I will (try to remember to) do 2 sessions of push-ups - 3 sets of 15 reps per session - today, to make up for yesterday.

Overall, I'm pleased with the progress I've made this week. I am sorry that I did not make it to the gym this week, and then there was the mishap with the push-ups challenge, but I know that really, my most important goal for this month is the weight-loss goal.

I'm looking forward to enjoying this weekend.  I am already enjoying it.  Nothing special going on - just my usual laundry, gym, birdfeeders chores.  It just FEELS good to be home.


Progress as of today: 50.5 lbs lost so far, only 1 lbs to go!

Jacky82020 on 07/10/2021:
Wow! So close to goal! Congrats!

Wish I could extract cosmic feelings from IF & calorie restriction. But I just feel like I’m starving. & sometimes miserable. Then when the scale drops I feel better.

Yep! It’s not easy. I hate working out in our gym. So does Matt. And he uses it faithfully & has for like 25 years. He’s more disciplined than I am.

I’m making more of an effort when he’s in the gym to use the treadmill there. It’s an old one. The incline is broken, but he propped it up on some lumber for me. He uses the newer treadmill in the gazebo. I hate that thing and have never used it since I re-injured my muscle tear on it last December.

Donkey on 07/11/2021:
Thank you! And thank you for your candid response about fasting and calorie restriction. That actually helps me feel more grounded in reality. I was thinking to myself, What am I missing?

bearcountrygg on 07/10/2021:
I would step on with my right foot first too....YEAH...ONLY 1 pound away!!!!! It is hard.....creating new habits makes it get easier......but the big reward is in feeling better. Have a great weekend!!!

Donkey on 07/11/2021:
LOL - right foot weigh-ins only, from here on out!

I really want to learn the lessons and habits this time around. I do NOT want to have to go through this again.

Horn_of_plenty on 07/11/2021:
I certainly DO trust your scale. perhaps it's some water weight too, but, you have done the work and now you are being compensated nicely for it all! this is your reward, especially if you continue to stick with this!

I have heard that too, about some people who fast and it feels good. doesn't work for me either, unfortunately.

i totally get it on forgetting to do an exercise or not doing it early so then things get in the way...that is what happened with me with weights this week. Friday was the day; but i skipped. Saturday was the makeup day but plans changed and i got home far later than expected and so i skipped it...not that this is a good pattern...but at the moment i'm doing OK with weights and although i've had some skips, my strength is still pretty decent. (another reason to take off days even if weather is terrible this week is to get back on track with a few training sessions that are solid...).

Donkey on 07/11/2021:
You make some very good points, which touch on exactly the approach I want to be taking.

Why *not* trust my scale? Right? The glass is half-full. It's all relative anyway. The number went down and that's the important thing, as far as meeting goals.

It's not a good pattern, but all we can do is move forward with the day we have. That's one important lesson I'm still learning. Also, things come up in life that cause skips and such, and so it's important to remain flexible.

Flexible and positive :-)

Donkey - Friday Jul 09, 2021
(Low carb eating w recumbent bike, yoga, weights)
Weight: 137.0

Oh my, short on time to write...

I've noticed a little slipping lately, and while you may think I'm being too hard on myself, I want to reach my goal:

  • 2nd day in a row I had a Diet Coke at work, to get me through.  I will not do this today. 
  • Had frozen bananas after evening bike ride, before bed.  I'm not going over daily calories, and the bananas don't throw off my macro ratios.  Also, I do not wake up hungry.  But I want to have a sustained fast (12 hours).  Also, like we've discussed here on DD before, after dinner, THE KITCHEN IS CLOSED.

Tomorrow is weigh-in, so I think that I have the determination not to fall into either of these 2 pits.

 Did not have a great lower body weight training session after dinner, but it was something.  (Barbell squats, 4 sets of 15)

Work was actually OK.  Associate Attorney was out most of the day.  He still has not forwarded a single email to me.  I had a realtor email me yesterday saying, "I sent (AA) a contract earlier today but didn't hear back, so I'm sending it to you."  Ha ha ha - ya think???  I responded right away, thanking her for sending us the contract, saying we'd get started right away.  (And secretly thinking, That's what you get when you leave out Donkey.)

My husband had an appointment with his rheumatologist yesterday, and they discussed the fatty liver diagnosis.  She did mention that if he can't lose weight on diet alone, that he may need to go on a medically supervised diet, or worst case, do some kind of intervention (she suggested wiring jaw shut) to force the weight loss.

Still waiting to hear from the dietician...

Progress as of today: 49.5 lbs lost so far, only 2 lbs to go!

Jacky82020 on 07/09/2021:
You’re doing great! Keep on keeping on!

Wow, wiring the jaw shut. Like that new magnetic way of closing the mouth they developed in the UK, I think it was. They said it was for ppl who needed to lose weight prior to surgery.

Aren’t those medically supervised diets mostly liquids?

Donkey on 07/10/2021:
Thank you! You're right - I gotta keep on going. I also need to start thinking about what to do after I reach my goal, as far as how to maintain. I may continue to track macros for another complete month after I reach goal, to get the "feel" of maintaining, if that makes sense. So if I reach goal July 20th, then I would continue to track all of August (a full month), too.

I saw the mouth magnet you had posted, which looks a lot better than the photos I've seen of a jaw wired shut.

My mom was on a supervised diet that had real food. Yes, it also had shakes and meal replacement bars, but there were also prepared meals and a list of "free foods" that were unlimited, which I believe included non-starchy vegetables... maybe some/most/all fruits?

The program my mom used is called HMR. She said it worked for her because she never felt hungry. She's used the program twice, because she had gained 20 pounds after my step-father died.

I think something like that would work for my husband, if he couldn't lose the weight on his own. However, he DID lose 50 pounds on his own so that he could have hip replacement surgery. He CAN do it, but for him, dieting has an "end". He needs to make permanent lifestyle changes.

That's kind of why I want to go with him to meet the dietician.

Horn_of_plenty on 07/10/2021:
nice job to watch yourself slipping and realize you want to continue to challenge yourself to do better. all within your limits and what you feel you need to do is of course what you should do! also, try to realize that whatever you do, there is wiggle room, so you can work on keeping your weight lower for a long time..You are almost at your set goal here. really nice work to you!

wow. wire of the jaw. i can send your hubby my jaw issue, he's certainly most prob eat less as it hurts to open my mouth wide. i still eat lol, but my jaw does hurt when i open it wide.

it's funny with not copying people on emails...same thing happens at work here, but most of the time everyone is copied as everyone knows it's best to copy everyone.

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