Do not be fooled by my "Current Weight". My weigh-in days are on Tuesdays.... but I took a sneak-peek this morning to see how much damage I had done -- with holiday and emotional eating and then TOM on top of everything! >:-(
And my weight was 132.5. So essentially, I am maintaining around my "goal weight" of 130.
HOWEVER, yesterday, I had proof how FAT I have gotten.
I am a Wedding Hostess at my church. Basically, I'm a wedding coordinator on behalf of the church, to make sure protocol is followed and to answer any questions and to keep the program flowing. I have a dress that I wear for this function. It has been loose in the previous 2 weddings I hosted, but yesterday it was tight around the hips and gut (stomach). Certainly not around the bust area, though, unfortunately.
I have no one to blame for this but myself. But I was very disappointed, to say the least. I loved being thinner. Still, I think that 130 is a healthy weight for myself and my sanity.
I am sadly resolved to living in a larger body than I would like. Oh well, at least it's functional. I shouldn't complain. It's just hard to give up a dream and be resigned to reality.
Progress as of today: 15 lbs lost so far, only -1 lbs to go!
(That was my weight on Tuesday, but I've had a couple of binges since then and now Thanksgiving -- I'm sure next week's weigh-in won't be so pleasant.)
I just wanted to take this time to wish you a Happy Thanksgiving if you are in American and celebrate it. I wanted to tell you all how thankful I am for the support that I have found here. I cannot possibly thank you enough for your comments and insights and suggestions. Thank you and God bless.
Progress as of today: 15 lbs lost so far, only -1 lbs to go!
and HAPPY THANKSGIVING :)
Last time I weighed in, I was at 128.0. I think that is a good weight for my body. I weigh-in on Tuesdays. So that is when I will update my "current weight".
I have been doing much better with eating & exercise. The anxiety is still there, but I'm not dealing with it with food. I plan on asking my therapist for a recommendation to a psychiatrist for something for that, just to take as an "as needed" basis.
The depression, though, is another story... I think I can count the number of "feel good" days on one hand. I don't want any medication for that though because anti-depressants make you gain a ton of weight.
Progress as of today: 12.5 lbs lost so far, only 1.5 lbs to go!
I take wellbutrin for my depression. It doesn't cause weight gain. For me, depression causes weight gain. Wellbutrin allows me to curb that depression appetite. I did take paxil, zoloft, and prozac before and those medications stimulated my appetite big time. But wellbutrin doesn't. In fact, it does a lot of good in helping me control my appetite. Wellbutrin is also used as a stop smoking medication (packaged under a different name of course) and it has been shown that people with eating disorders should NOT take wellbutrin because it does help us control those activities if we don't have an ED and if we do have an ED it might help control it too much. If you need to take an antidepressant, ask your doctor about Wellbutrin. One of the biggest signals I have that I need to go back on medicine aside from the sadness, is when I start eating and eating and eating and can't seem to stop. Trying to medicate myself with the sugar surge/caloric surge, in order to keep my mood elevated. Yes, I use food as medication to make myself feel better and it is a physical reaction to my body trying to even out the seretonin. I have a problem with seretonin distribution. And it will regulate and then I can go off the meds for a little while, but then it stops proper distribution and I have to get it regulated again. Eating to make myself feel good in my head is a sure sign that I need to get back on medication for a while.
That being said, Wellbutrin is not a weight loss drug..but for folks like me who have seretonin problems, it helps even us out so that we don't turn to food.
Glad you aren't giving up on yourself! That is very positive news!
i am glad you are not dealing with the depression with food. as you can see from my diary, i'm having major issues...and have had those issues for about 1.5 years now of procrastinating and self-healing with food. but it's getting better. i can feel it...
Keep up the good work Donkey!
that's what i do - not necessarily what i think you should or shouldn't do. i am sooooo working to make my life fuller, better, more at ease. and it is a challenge for sure. but if i can do it, well, i KNOW you can.
I'm still here. My weight is up, but that's ok. It's been a very hard month, but I haven't given up on myself.
Progress as of today: 12.5 lbs lost so far, only 1.5 lbs to go!
All I have to say is that it was a very trying week... But now I have learned that I have to just sit back and let things happen.
Progress as of today: 16.5 lbs lost so far, only -2.5 lbs to go!
You are cat person, too! Inky is a tottally black cat, but she looks grey in the picture. Your silver cat must be gourgeous!
Just weighing in for the week. I'm not all that dissatisfied with the number. Initially it said 123.5 (2x) but the third time it registered at 124.0. And then it said that 2 more times. So that is the number I will go with.
I will continue my plan of not tracking calories (except dinner and protein) for the upcoming week. The peace of mind is ... freeing (is that even a word?) ... and as long as my weight is stable, then I think the trade-off is worth it.
Progress as of today: 20 lbs lost so far, only -6 lbs to go!
As for J, yes, that's the idea. It's actually breaking the circle, because he may not miss me and want to come back, so I can't count on it. Especially now with a new girl around him. Bad timing, I wish I cut him off while there was no one else for him to go out with. Oh well.
I REALLY wish he misses me, It will hurt so much more if he goes off with this girl and move on...
I hope your plan continues to work for you--you'll probably know pretty quick if you have to go back to counting something. (Freeing is a perfectly good word.)
Have a good one!
I don't know what I weigh. I haven't gotten on the scale since Wednesday, when I weighed 126.5. I probably don't weigh too much less than that now, but that is irrelevant.
I've stopped counting calories for the most part, except for my dinner calories. I've stopped measuring food except for my morning peanut butter (because it's sooo easy for me to go over), my coffee creamer (ditto on the overdo), and my lunch protein (to make sure I get enough protein).
I make sure I drink 3L of water a day. More is fine, less does not meet my goal, but so far, so good.
I am using a common sense approach to food. I know what to eat and what not to eat. Eventually the "what not to eat" will become "what to eat in moderation" but I'm not at that point yet.
I use the feel of my wedding rings to monitor my "progress" or "status". (Not sure what to call it yet.) For example, yesterday I could tell that my weight was higher because the rings were tighter than usual. Sure enough, PMS started last night. And, er, there were some bathroom issues that needed to get resolved, which they were today. But that didn't stop me from enjoying a big bowl of (pre-planned) air-popped popcorn last night.
I have had no urges to binge, although today is Day 5 (binge-free) and that is the longest that I have been able to go binge-free. But I think it will be different this time, because I have not restricted calories so much afterward.
The next step will probably be to work on the exercise issue.
Progress as of today: 22 lbs lost so far, only -8 lbs to go!
Xo
just make sure that you are not a waste of time. and i know you don't think that. please girl, if you need to speak out on whats bothering you, feel free.
just so you know, my mom is making my living at home HORRIBLE! on purpose. i KNOW that in the back of her head, she wants me to leave. she would do that. my dad, he's ok with the current living arrangements. hmmm. i'll have to deal with her these next two years...then i'm out!
I was rewarded for my no-binge weekend with a 2lb gain on the scale. Yes, up yet another pound! That must be one big bathroom moment churning inside me, Grumpy!
Anyway, the reason why I am posting today, right now, is because I am feeling a STRONG urge to take a spoon and go get a half-gallon ice cream container out of the freezer in the garage.
So I thought if I wrote about it instead, I'd feel stronger. And I do. So now I will sign-off, put dishes away, and start dinner. If I am hungry or "munchie" I have carrot sticks I can chew on.
And hopefully my weight will reconcile itself one way or the other by tomorrow. THIS SUCKS.
Progress as of today: 22 lbs lost so far, only -8 lbs to go!
Yes, I am excited that my treadmill is almost back in working order..thanks to YOU for the suggestion to visit the Treadmill Doctor! YAY! Go Donkey! lol
Have a lovely evening!
Afternoon Edit: First of all, let me thank all who have commented for your super supportive replies. I cannot tell you how much your positive input has uplifted me and kept me steady today.
My mother just left, and it was a good visit. So why do I feel like eating all the peanut butter and ice cream in the house? I do not know why. So I had my frozen banana treat that I prepared ahead of time for tonight, but if I need/want it now, have it now. It will fend off any binge that can come from too much self-denial.
And I am writing to you all about my feelings, so I have some self-validation of my feelings. (Writing things out helps me feel validated and organized.)
And then I am going to make myself a cup of tea and go upstairs - away from the kitchen and computer - and rest and watch reruns of I Love Lucy. :-) Uplifting, light and funny.
***********************************
I was about to write and complain about my weight when I realized, "Hey, it's OK!" :-)
You see, on Saturday, I weighed 120.0. Nice number! I like that number!
But I fought tooth and nail like the devil was after me (and maybe he was!) the urge to sugar binge. OMG. I've noticed that I usually go 3-4 days and then I have a sugar binge episode. And last night was the end of Day 4.
Today is Day 5 of no-bingeing. So again, I will fight with all my strength not to go down that path today/tonight. And I will have to, as my mother is stopping by for an hour or 2 to visit, on her way home from visiting my grandparents. So it will be HARD to resist. I will have to show my donkey strength today, that's for sure!
But I like to think that the longer I can go between bingeing episodes, the better I will be. Heck, if this would be IT and I could stay "sober" that would be WONDERFUL! That is my ultimate goal.
But back to my supposive "rant": I really really really tried so hard last night NOT to binge, and I was successful at it. And how was I rewarded? With a one pound GAIN on the scale today!!! >:-[
But now looking at Friday's entry, I see that I am actually still down 0.5lb. So what the h*** am I complainin' about? :-)
I'm doing good. Hang in there Donkey!
(And yes, logically, I do realize how stupid it is to be freaking out over one **** pound! Trying NOT to get sucked into the numbers game, but right now, I can fight only one battle, and bingeing is the bigger battle of the 2. So please be kind and patient with Donkey for her temporary insanity.)
Progress as of today: 23 lbs lost so far, only -9 lbs to go!
I agree, you're doing good--keep up the good work!
New month... My weight has pretty much stabilized around 121, give or take. Here we go into another weekend, so I thought I'd check in. You may or may not recall but weekends are very difficult for me. And Husband is working 12 hour shifts today (Friday - "date night") and Saturday.
I was going to say more, but I'm having problems being coherent. Need more coffee, I'm afraid!!! Donkey runs on auto-pilot in the mornings, I'm afraid! :-)
Progress as of today: 22.5 lbs lost so far, only -8.5 lbs to go!
Wishing you a great day!
Thanks for the comment on my diary. I am such an emotional person that I HAD to get myself back on track using simple science and mathmatics. It is the only way I can really keep focus. One day, I will be at my goal weight and then join you in the struggle to maintain.
What are you up to this weekend to make yourself feel good? I'm going to probably clean out my refrigerator..yeah I'm weird, stuff like that makes me feel good LOL
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I know I gained at least 5 pounds over the last couple of days. And while some of that will go away as soon as the massive food has moved all the way through my system, I am quite sure that I have gained a solid pound at least. The nature of the holidays, why we all get caught up in the fat cycle. I've had enough of food! It just isn't worth it to eat so much. *sigh*
loveray on 11/29/2008:
130 is a perfect weight and you are not FAT! just try to be as compassionate as you can (easier said than done, i know!) because our bodies know when we are being mean to them. love you!
Horn_Of_Plenty on 11/29/2008:
you are a smooth talker lady. you are doing well and i am proud of you. i feel this entry sounds mature in that you are accepting who you believe you really are. its as hard as anything. i remember you did sound so happy last year at that weight (around 130). so who knows.
as for me, i am in the front lines doing battles with food every minute of every day right now. my once healthy eating has transformed itself over the past 1.5 years into a battleground of gluttony. i have gained about 25 lbs in that time frame. my ankles hurt. and i'm a youthful 26. i need to change my ways. and peanut butter is DEF a trigger for me no doubt! if i were living on my own, i KNOW i'd be at least 25 pounds smaller. there is sooo much temptation here. i may just find myself hanging out at the library for now on. ugh!
grumpy on 11/30/2008:
Well, girl, to be honest I am glad you're sticking to 130. I have seen you tell us you were way less than that and that worries me a little. We have sometimes visions of ourselves that are distorted. I am sure you're doing the best to your body and health and I think when you make peace with it, you will see yourself more objectively and beautiful in your own body.
Funny thing about that: my good friend today told me i look great and asked me if i lose more weight. No, if anything, i gained a few pounds, but I told her I am really happy, and that's why she thought that. I stick with happy before thinner. :) xo
WI3 on 11/30/2008:
And that is a really cool thing to do at the church! If I ever get married again, I'll have to hook up with you! =)