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Donkey - Tuesday Aug 12, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 120.5

OK, since I read that others are having problems... I thought it'd be best to be HONEST with myself and with all of you and post my weight number.

I had an encounter with some ice cream last night. A lot of ice cream.

But it was not a total defeat. Even though the numbers are up and all that blah blah blah, today is the First Day EVER that I have felt that I have the balance between carbs and protein and exercise and portions IN BALANCE and UNDER CONTROL.

This is like a huge victory for me because I tend to be a black-white sort of person, and what I really need in my life is to learn how to live with the grey.

I can only hope that tomorrow goes as well. I plan to use today's menu as a template for the future. Especially for some very trying days, which I have ahead of me soon. This I know for certain.

Progress as of today: 23.5 lbs lost so far, only -9.5 lbs to go!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 08/12/2008:
guess what!? my day was VERY similiar to yours! foodwise, it was a challenge and i gave into many of the mini temptations. many of the temptations also had a health value (as well as a fun value) to them. i had to fortune cookies in the cafeteria that were on the table, a coworker gave me a huge bunch of very large looking yummy grapes, have two zone bars...and dunkin donuts coolata. good and alright foods, but still balanced in my day. i feel accomplished when i look at the exercise i did. i think it's good we CAN live in the GRAY! :)

WI3 on 08/13/2008:
I remember you talking about the black/white issue previously as well..I am so happy for you that you found that the gray area's aren't so bad after all! Thinking about you and saying a prayer. Take care, Donkey!

grumpy on 08/13/2008:
Funny, I always have encountered people who are black or white when talking about my issues and what I think is that there's more grey in life than anything else, and i try to explain that to them. last night i was feeling awful, lost the guy i am in love with and felt it was my fault, because of how i look, which may as well be, but not until i chatted with my best friend on the phone, who lives in LA, that I could calm down. It was so nice for me to hear some caring sane words about how it's all grey and we have to just do our best and things can always change one way or another. glad you had a good day!

grumpy on 08/13/2008:
Yea, it's the grey area of our weight. haha.

WI3 on 08/13/2008:
Good luck with everything!

Jen40 on 08/14/2008:
Yeah, I struggle with grey areas myself. I'm getting better at it tho! You will too. :O) Have a wonderful day.

Donkey - Monday Aug 11, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 118.5

Just checking in with a weigh-in. *sigh*

Stuck. Very stuck.

Progress as of today: 25.5 lbs lost so far, only -11.5 lbs to go!

grumpy on 08/11/2008:
whats your goal weight now?

Horn_Of_Plenty on 08/11/2008:
but why is this bad if it is the same as your goal? shouldn't this be a good thing?

feel better donkey. thanks for your helpful comments. i hope i do end up meeting someone good online. it has been getting better :)

WI3 on 08/11/2008:
Ah, you have some very stressful times going on. I remember when you were struggling at 135 and you had very stressful times going on, and you struggled hard to lose that weight and it was huge focus of your life. I WISH I was 118. I'm shooting for 150 because I can't stand the thought of needing to lose 70lbs right now lol. Hang in there and don't undo your therapy.

Donkey - Sunday Aug 10, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 118.5

Do you think I'm freaking out????? THIS is what eating frozen watermelon at 9p will do to your numbers on the scale. UGH!!!!

Woke up feeling VERY puffy today. Just call me the Puff Donkey (or P-Donkey, I suppose, eh?).

I hope to update this entry later on today with something more substantial to say.

Progress as of today: 25.5 lbs lost so far, only -11.5 lbs to go!

WI3 on 08/10/2008:
The one nice thing about watermelon (well for me anyway) is that it does help with constipation lol. Hang in there Miss P-Donkey! Water retention is inevitable at some point. It really does piss me off, though LOL

beth201P on 08/10/2008:
I know what you mean, however it is mother nature for me. lol During this time of the month I wish I was fixed. lol Have a good Sunday. (hug)

Horn_Of_Plenty on 08/10/2008:
HAHAHA!!! p-donk! that's just one of the most awesome things i've read in your diary lately!!! :)

well, watermelon is filled with healthy water and some sugar! so, it's normal for the water to bloat you a bit if you eat a lot of it late. but, it's totally healthy so stop it!!! don't go totally by the scale. i think you are a bit addicted to the scale, actually. i remember when i get addicted to weight and start weighing myself every day, that's not good. now, i can tell if i'm up or down just by how i feel. i do like to weigh myself when i know i am down, but i am not at all addicted to the scale. if you weigh yourself once per day, that's good but i'd recommend you take an average of your weights for the week to see if you are really up/down. so, average 7 days and see where you are week to week. that's what i'd do.

i am STILL doing pushups and i love them so! thank you thank you thank you! I like how they make my shoulders look BROADER. it makes me look more athletic. yay! :)

Jen40 on 08/11/2008:
What's this about push ups? I'm liking the sound of that! :O)

Donkey - Saturday Aug 09, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 117.0

Several things to talk about:

1. I started seeing a therapist 2 weeks ago and he knows about these issues I have with food and weight. I try not to give them too much of the therapy sessions because that's not what's REALLY bothering me. The food and the weight -- that's just noise to protect me from facing my real problems.

2. It's not about the numbers. Ha ha - sometimes I forget this, as you saw in yesterday's post. I hit a really low point yesterday, and that's when the numbers (calories, weight, exercise, etc.) kind of take over my brain. Total defense mechanism, but I can't go there. Or if I do, I have to make sure I don't stay there too long or turning around will be harder and harder.

3. Being thin doesn't count if you're not healthy & happy. This kind of repeats #2 listed above, but more compactly and precisely. I should have a bumper sticker that says that.

As you can see, my numbers (ha ha) are up today, but that is probably because of the ice cream that I had last night. I seem to be making Friday nights sort of a Treat Night, where I have an indulgence or 2. I had 1/2 cups (give or take) of 3 or 4 of the flavors of ice cream that we have here in the house. I'm not replacing them once they are finished. Time to get that **** out of the house.

OK -- this post has already started to become WAY too involved in food and numbers and weight. So I'm ending it here. It stops now.

Progress as of today: 27 lbs lost so far, only -13 lbs to go!

grumpy on 08/09/2008:
Glad to hear you're seeing a therapist! That should really help. Let us know when you feel progress--although just the fact you started going is a huge progress in itself! Glad to hear you gave yourself a treat too. Enjoy your weekend. xo.

WI3 on 08/09/2008:
**The food and the weight -- that's just noise to protect me from facing my real problems. **

Exactly. And some of us use food to protect us from our problems and go the OTHER way, which is gaining weight. You did work very hard to lose the weight and you did it during some very, very stressful times, and you were successful. So it is only natural that you would return to what you did that you feel very good about, and have that control, even when you know it might be a bit too much. Your weight and what you put in your mouth, or don't put in your mouth, are things that nobody can control or take away from you. My sister does the same thing but does it with eating too much food and not exercising. To her, being obese is what SHE wants...so because she is obese, she is therefore in control of her life. Even though she isn't happy and knows it isn't good for her.

Hang in there Donkey, you will eventually break through your real reasons and regain more control of parts of your life that you feel you can't right now. For whatever reason.

I am really very happy to see someone addressing the OTHER side of weight obsession, and so openly. In reality, overeating/underexercising and overeating/overexercising, are in a parallel universe. I am glad you are seeing the therapist..maybe it won't be so scary getting to the other side. Take care =)

Jen40 on 08/09/2008:
Nah, W13 said everything I was thinking only better, take care. I hope today is going well for you. Maybe something fun?

Horn_Of_Plenty on 08/09/2008:
i like how you do mention therapy and how you are doing something to aid you in feeling better about everything that's going on and not just the food/exercise. of course you know i can relate to you on how we use food/numbers/calories/exercise as shields to what's really going on. i think i definitely used that on my trip. focussing on how to be different and set myself apart from others by trying to eat healthy. then again, i enjoy eating healthy.

anyways, back to you. what you wrote up there, the points you listed, are good. it shows you are striving to focus on your internal health. keep it up!

Donkey - Friday Aug 08, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 116.0

I cannot possibly describe how strong the desire is to see a lower number on the scale. Throw me a bone: 115, 114.5.... 113 would be such a pretty number.

I'm tired of seeing 116. Blah.

Progress as of today: 28 lbs lost so far, only -14 lbs to go!

omahagrl on 08/08/2008:
Can I ask why your original goal of being 125 is now 102? My concern is that you have exceeded your goal and you should be so proud of your accomplishment. Yet your entries talk about seeing yourself as getting larger and are not the same tone as they were in the past. I know I have suggested this in the past but have you thought about seeing a counselor, therapist or even talking to your physician about this. Although all I know of you is from your entries I am concerned as I have had friends that have had feelings like you have only to find that losing weight did not make them happier but only caused more anxiety and depression. I say this as honest as the advice that you have given me in the past year. ((((HUGS))))

grumpy on 08/08/2008:
When you see 113, you will want 108. when you see 108, you will want 100, what after that? You should focus on your health, especially your anxiety issues. have a great friday!

Agent_Guber on 08/08/2008:
I hope that everything turns out the way they should for you, I am sorry you have anxiety .. it is so hard to live with especially when dealing with body image issues. I understand what you are going through. I use to be really big and I lost almost 100 pounds, I still saw myself at my original weight. I would go to the store and I would still pick up a 20 even though I was in a 12, then I would have to go back a few times until I got the right size because I didnt believe the changes my body had made, when I looked in the mirror I saw the same person I was, not who I had become.

maria777 on 08/08/2008:
Sounds like you are perfect right where you are!!! Be happy with it! Have you ever heard of eating disorders? It is easy to develop when on a diet, especially when one is dealing with a lot of stress. I am not saying that you have one...but at one time 'I' had one...I reached my goal but it was not good enough...I kept on and on til I ended up in the hospital...

Now that you have done so well, why not just maintain where you are and move on to thinking about other things...other things to DISTRACT your mind with instead of the scale? My Hubby threw out my scale last month cause he was concerned about me and while I am not saying for you to do likewise, I AM saying that you really need to think this through...and take good care of yourself in the meanwhile. ~Love, Maria

medusa on 08/08/2008:
Hey there. I ve seen your comment in my diary. Nice people are nice and mean people are mean. My big luck was thati understood that very early,so i learned to respond to all the mean people i ve met in my life. The greatest pleasure is that i noticed that except calling me "fat" they could say nothing else against me. Remember,they always have nothing else to say,and when they are mean they just trying to cover their own complexes and disantvantages.

Oh wait,116 lbs? Girl you are slim!


Jen40 on 08/08/2008:
*hugs* there's so much I want to say, but I don't think I have the right to, and I don't think you really want to hear it. You know the answer here, deep within you and you don't need me to say it. But know that at one time, I knew exactly what you're feeling and why you're going for that lower number again. Honey, go talk with a counselor, there's no shame in it.

Donkey - Thursday Aug 07, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 116.0

It's going to be OK... It's going to be OK... It's going to be OK... It's going to be OK... It's going to be OK...

One of those days...

Progress as of today: 28 lbs lost so far, only -14 lbs to go!

Jen40 on 08/07/2008:
Aww, *hugs* I hope your day wasn't all that bad.

WI3 on 08/07/2008:
You're damn right it is going to be ok!! You GO GIRL!! =)

loveray on 08/08/2008:
hi donkey! thanks so much for your comments lately. i wanted to share a bit of my anxiety story with you: it seems as though it gets worse for me when i doubt my true self or my deepest feelings and opinions. seems like you think you "should be" calm, cool and collected- when the truth is i believe that anxiety is the negative symbol of a deep, passionate, committed and feeling human being. go with it- and try to use the energy for something positive. love to you!

Donkey - Tuesday Aug 05, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 116.0

I seem to have stabilized at around 116. Lately, I have been feeling very large. I swear, last night, I thought that certain body parts had gotten noticeably larger within the last week or so. I don't think so.

I need to learn how to deal with anxious feelings. My husband is such a calm and cool guy on the outside in most situations. Me, on the other hand, I seem to wear my heart on my sleeve. I'm so transparent.

This here nerdy Donkey needs to work on being one cool racehorse. Or at least coming across like one.

Progress as of today: 28 lbs lost so far, only -14 lbs to go!

Jen40 on 08/05/2008:
Keep going!!! You're doing fantastic!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 08/05/2008:
calm it. you know body parts just don't grow overnight! lol. even me, consuming enough to gain 4 lbs in a week still sorta fits into her clothes. uhhh.

grumpy on 08/06/2008:
I am sure you're not large. I was talking to loveray about this today. That skinny b***ch (hahahaha, i love her, she knows i would say that just to joke with her) said she felt fat, because she's going through some rough times. I told her not to let her mind trick her into even say, think, or type the word fat associated to her, since its so far from reality. same goes to you. instead of feeling 'very large" what were you REALLY feeling? Defeated? Anxious? See my point? Anyway, it's okay to be transparent, i don't think that's a flaw. I think the real issue is your anxiety and all of ours for that matter. Let's give a kick in the behind of the REAL issue.

As for your comment to me yesterday, we may very well be sharing the same man, because mine is really cute too. he's just not really 'mine', dang it!!!!!

WI3 on 08/06/2008:
Sometimes I feel like I have a really big head. And I ask brian if my head looks bigger than the last time he saw it...he laughs but seriously sometimes I think my head gets bigger overnight. Like it retains water or something.

YOU ARE NOT BIG...you are small. You are very small. You are so small that you were worried about your small self. The anxious feeling is probably just making you feel bigger, freaking you out and all that stuff.

I do, however, understand that people with distorted body image or distorted eating, also have that feeling. And that sometimes when your life seems totally out of control, if the only thing you feel good at controlling is your weight, sometimes it becomes an obsession because it feels good to master the weight loss. And it can happen to anyone. I think we all have obsessions, and some of them can be weight control.

You are not big. You may have parts of yourself that you don't like, we all do. Right now the part I don't like is my whole body.

Hang in there Donkey...and don't pretend anything. =)

Donkey - Sunday Aug 03, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 116.5

OK, yesterday was 114.0 and today was 116.5. And before that it was 115.5. So I took the average and it seems as though I've settled at around 115, which I can live with.

My one scale (yes, I have 2 scales and I weigh-in on both) measures water weight, and it is elevated this morning, so I'm sure I'm holding in quite a bit. It's rather humid today, and tomorrow it promises to be very hot and muggy, which I detest.

Progress as of today: 27.5 lbs lost so far, only -13.5 lbs to go!

grumpy on 08/03/2008:
Thanks! Which parts you like reading the best? When I end up eating too much, when J doesn't wanna commit or when I can make myself workout? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Just kidding, thanks for saying you like it though! And I think the name Donkey is pretty good, too, so maybe you don't need to change it to Crabby. Hahaha. Hugs!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 08/03/2008:
haha. right now i am holding everything: weight, food, water!

i will make sure to keep eating often. i always do but lately it's gotten to be too much so. i need to keep some kind of schedule bc at work i just take coffee whenever i feel like it and i'm going overboard. getting bloated all the time and just consuming too much volume. i think. tomorrow's going to be difficult at work. perhaps i'll pick up one of those starbucks drinks on the way there! :)

Donkey - Friday Aug 01, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 115.5

OK, the only reason why I'm reporting this today is because it's the first of the month, and I thought it would be a good idea to have a reference point for how I do in August.

I would say that I'm starting to get concerned. I'm trying to work it out in my thoughts, to gather inner strength and a clear perspective. Definitely time to phase in a healthy maintenance program. Definitely....

Progress as of today: 28.5 lbs lost so far, only -14.5 lbs to go!

grumpy on 08/01/2008:
Yes, definitely. Don't let yourself lose more than that. I am worried about you!

WI3 on 08/01/2008:
I'm on your side and rooting for you. If there is one thing I've learned about you since you joined DD, is that you can do anything you set your mind to do..even if it scares the h*ll out of you. Good for you on getting some outside help..that is fantastic!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 08/02/2008:
hmmm. so i guess you are being very logical about your health and weight. start slowly maybe add in 100 calories or something each day for a week and see if that helps you. just a little and you can experiment to see what works for you.

WI3 on 08/02/2008:
I am very happy that you understand what I am going through with my mother. I love her very much and I know she loves me, but wow...sometimes I can't breathe when she smothers me. Here's to two survivors trying to make our way in this world! I hope you are doing well =)

Donkey - Thursday Jul 31, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 117.0

It's funny how talking to someone objective can make a person feel so much better. However, now I feel less than ever like eating. Bleah...

I'll have another cup of coffee instead. It will be OK.

Progress as of today: 27 lbs lost so far, only -13 lbs to go!

grumpy on 07/31/2008:
I am glad you feel much better after the talk. But as far as not feeling like eating, i guess you have to make the same effort as the rest of us (who would wanna overeat), force yourself to eat just enough for your body needs and healthy choices. Good luck!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 07/31/2008:
so the talk went well today?? good. i hope this person gives you good advice.

just remember you cannot starve. i miss reading your menus.

Beth201P on 07/31/2008:
Hey sometimes talking does help a lot. Have a great Friday. ((hug))

Horn_Of_Plenty on 07/31/2008:
you are one of the few that have told me to call/email him. i hope i've made the right choice. i'm actually quite nervous about that. i feel like i need to read a magazine article to calm myself down before calling him. arg!

Jen40 on 08/01/2008:
*Hugs* I'm glad you're seeing someone to get back on track. You sound like such a strong person, I know you can overcome this. I used to see a therapist for a couple years and talking helped me get my head clear in a safe environment with no pressure. Worked like magic!

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