PLEASE HELP ME :-(
Now I realize where I can take my awful feelings that I had with me yesterday. I tried to talk to Husband about them, but he's a man so he was like, "get over it, let it go." But it doesn't work that way for me. So I truly felt like I had no other place to turn or to vent, but I know that my friends here on Diet Diaries will always give me unconditional support (unless I'm deluding myself and then BiscottiBody will tell it like it is).
I have not been doing well at my new job. I have been driving school bus routes on my own this week, and they have been merciful in giving me easy routes. My co-workers think they are easy; I acknowledge that they are easy routes.
Yet I keep messing up! I will miss a turn so then I have to find my way back onto the route (usually involving a trip around the block or a turn around in a parking log). These turnarounds set me back at least 10 minutes into the routes. I feel that I should not be making mistakes like this, yet I continue to do so.
For example, yesterday, I had a left turn on "Street" and then a right turn on "Avenue". Well, I kept looking for "Avenue" and drove right past "Street". I had a bunch of autistic kids on my bus so the bus aide had to help me get back on track. She is notorious for being snippy about "Bus aides focus on the kids, bus drivers focus on the roads" and I don't blame her! (She definitely had her hands full!) I was so surprised that she was willing to help me out, because she did have her hands full.
Eventually she did get me back on track. But this has been happening all week! And it's not like I go into this blind: they give you a print out of directions, along with a list of kids that get off at each stop. So WHY can't I get my head on straight and just go the right way????
I think 2 things may be the cause: 1. I workout between morning and afternoon routes, so maybe my workouts are making me "spacey". :-( This would mean I wouldn't be able to workout any more, because that break is the only time I have time to do so.
2. My brain feels overloaded with directions and anxiety (uncertainty), and thus I am unable to focus on the task. Like when you rush through something too fast that you mess it up?
I don't know but sooner or later, if this keeps up, I'm going to get into trouble. I hope the bus aide doesn't turn me in for being a terrible driver. We were 20 minutes late, and that's just not good.
As a result of my horrible day on Friday, I came home and had a huge snack. Then after dinner, I started thinking about my day again and had another huge snack consisting of Fiber One bars.
Today I am taking my kids and going into Chicago to visit with relatives. I hope the Fiber One bars don't come back to haunt me this morning, as we will be on the train and the bathrooms there are --- not so good.
PLEASE HELP ME :-(
Progress as of today: 14.5 lbs lost so far, only -0.5 lbs to go!
Today is the coldest day of the week. It's a warm-up from here on out until after the weekend when it comes down again (but not as cold as it was today). Gosh, if we could just get above freezing to melt some of the ice on the roads!
I'm getting the hang of the job. Still very stressful, and definitely not as easy as staying at home. But Friday is payday, so I'm sure I'll really appreciate having the job more then. Seriously though, I think I will work out alright in the job -- at least for a few years.
Eating has gone pretty well. I've been weighing myself more than once a week lately. My weight has been up and down -- up to 132, then down to 129.5 today (as it was earlier, as you can tell by my weight graph). My 3 month hiatus on maintenance is almost over (I've been maintaining more or less since Thanksgiving Day (U.S.)), and I have decided that I feel better about myself if I am in the 120s than if I am in the 130s.
So I have no concrete goal as of yet. I figure I'll start working towards staying in the 120s come March.
Progress as of today: 14.5 lbs lost so far, only -0.5 lbs to go!
Alright, I'm going to just spill it:
In spite of feeling binge-y all day, I managed to hold off until the night time. Once again, my inner demons got the better of me.
I realized today that I am in a slump. This weather has me feeling so beaten down. Seriously, I feel tired, sore, sad, no energy, hopeless at times. And I hate this feeling. Physically and psychologically, it is very annoying, very uncomfortable. This is NOT who I am.
I would scream "This is NOT who I am" from the top of my house, except that it's too cold outside to do so.
As I sit here typing this, I am listening to one of my cats sneeze his tail off. Gosh, even the dang cats are sick. My 2 boys both have watery, runny eyes, and the one dumb one here sneezes throughout the day.
I'm nervous about going back to work on Tuesday. I'm still not very comfortable with driving yet. Maybe I am dreading this, and that is why I feel especially down today.
Progress as of today: 14.5 lbs lost so far, only -0.5 lbs to go!
Sometimes the best way to break a negative cycle is to do just what you don't want to do...go to the gym. Try to wear something you feel flatters you best and get yourself prepped to go there. I would have gone today, but I do think I have fever and I know i have a headache/body aches. So yoga is a no-go, unfortunately!
Hehe, my sister ended up moving out the first week of February with a tremendous amount of support, help, and assistance from my parents. My dad hired some people he knows from his industry that did all the carrying and lifting into her apartment. My sister and I are so lucky to have a dad like ours. He always puts others first. My mom was helpful, too, but without my dad's strength and willingness to get out early and be helpful i doubt so much would have happened the way it did. She has come back for a day each weekend to gather a few more things from home. It seems she's happy...and SO AM I! I have my car back! haha. Thanks for asking!
Ever thought of light therapy? This time of year is horrible...If it's been as cloudy there as it has been here, no wonder you are on edge!
It will take time to get used to the driving, but you'll get there! Have a good day tomorrow!
So how was work? I'm sure your driving's just fine. Stop being such a perfectionist. Just think of all the half-wits around the country who are nowhere near as good as you.
I feel like eating everything in the pantry today. :-(
Progress as of today: 14.5 lbs lost so far, only -0.5 lbs to go!
OK, just want to get this off my chest....
Ate above my calories today, by about 200. That's not gonna kill me. In fact, I think it's good to have days of varied calorie levels. That is to say, some days, I should eat less and some days I should eat more.
What annoys me is that most of that excess calories is from this stupid Dutch Apple Pie that Husband bought at the market. It's not even that good, but the kids don't like it, and so it is staring at me and staring at me. I told Husband to take it to work tomorrow. If he does not, I'm going to put it in the refrigerator --- waaaayyy in the back. Out of sight, out of mind.
For some reason, I have been sad today. Depressed? Maybe. But genuinely sad. For no good reason that I can think of or identify. So that drives me nutty too. It's one thing to know why I am sad, but just to be down in the dumps? That rots.
So perhaps that might be one reason for reaching for the pie when I clearly did not want any nor did I need any. I'm sick and tired of being in a state of discontent. Whether it's changes or deaths or catastrophe, I'm sick of this negativity. Now how's that for negative? All this negativity is bringing me down. No doubt! I think I have some spiritual heaviness to lose as well as physical heaviness :-)
Progress as of today: 14.5 lbs lost so far, only -0.5 lbs to go!
Throw the pie out. The kids don't want it, so who does that leave to eat it? I've finally overcome the guilt of tossing out food - you know those starving kids in China and all...but how does getting fat make their lives better? it doesn't, just makes mine more miserable. Soooo...no guilt.
Hope your day is a little better today!
I decided to weigh in today, even though I weighed in on Wed. and Thurs., because Fridays are my "official weigh-in" days. Best to keep a consistent pattern I think.
Anyway, I am really happy to see that number under my "official goal weight", even if it's only by 0.5.
I have a long weekend Friday-Sunday, so I am using this time to relax and recharge. Of course, my Husband has to work all weekend, which means I'm doing 2x the work at home.
Progress as of today: 14.5 lbs lost so far, only -0.5 lbs to go!
Sometimes I just want to say WTF. I don't get this. I eat like a sugar junkie for 2 weeks and I actually lose weight?!? What the heck is THAT all about? I was down from 132.0 this morning. (I weighed in by accident, thinking today was a weigh-in day.)
I had a great day yesterday though, eating-wise, and that's the important thing. I HATE feeling like I do when I go through my sugar binges. I don't like it; it's not healthy. I want another good day (night) tonight.
I took today off from the gym. I needed a rest day. Hopefully taking a day off won't cause my weight to skyrocket (i know it won't).
Progress as of today: 13.5 lbs lost so far, only 0.5 lbs to go!
Your Dimension Of Greatness
No one can know the potential,
Of a life that is committed to win;
With courage - the challenge it faces , To achieve great success in the end!
So, explore the Dimension of Greatness,
And believe that the world CAN be won;
By a mind that is fully committed,
KNOWING the task can be done!
Your world has no place for the skeptic,
No room for the DOUBTER to stand;
To weaken your firm resolution
That you CAN EXCEL in this land!
We must have VISION TO SEE our potential,
And FAITH TO BELIEVE that we can;
Then COURAGE TO ACT with conviction,
To become what GOD MEANT us to be!
So, possess the strength and the courage,
To conquer WHATEVER you choose;
It's the person WHO NEVER GETS STARTED,
That is destined FOREVER to lose!
Just keeping myself accountable here, but I have been bingeing on sugar sweets every night within the past week, except for one night (I forget which night that was).
I don't expect to see anything good when I step on the scale soon. Maybe that will be enough to kick my butt off the sugar kick.
Progress as of today: 12 lbs lost so far, only 2 lbs to go!
I was very pleased to see another pound come off. I might have done better had I not eaten all that Irish soda bread (and then some ice cream later on that evening) on Wednesday. Well, it's hard to say. TOM is here right now, that usually throws in a glitch. Also, as a personal challenge, I've been doing more weight training this week.
NO I DID NOT GAIN MUSCLE MASS IN ONE WEEK!!!!
Sheesh, I am so sick and tired of women saying, "Oh, I just started exercising, and I've gained 2lb. I must be putting on muscle weight." No ladies, it doesn't WORK LIKE THAT. What you're (I'm) gaining is water retention, because when you start a weight training program, the muscles tend to hold onto water as part of the process of muscle tissue breaking down and rebuilding.
So I have more than one reason why I might be retaining water. At any rate it doesn't matter. As long as the scale is doing down, that's what's important.
Wow, if AF is here now, I can't wait to see what an amazing week I'll have next week. Woo-woo! :-)
Progress as of today: 12 lbs lost so far, only 2 lbs to go!
Good job--all things considered! (How about renting a flame thrower next snowstorm?)
Congrats on the pound off!
Thanks for your advice, by the way - I think you are right on target. I practically never drink water, and the whole point of fibre is to make you feel full by binding to the water in your digestive system, so I'm probably getting no benefit from it at all by not drinking any water with it. I am going to make that my plan from now on - TO DRINK MORE WATER!!!
Thank you!!
Just announcing that tomorrow is my weigh-in! And I feel like eating the entire house. Slipped up yesterday and ate a whole loaf of Irish soda bread from our ethnic supermarket. Oh MY but that is GOOD! Then I had 2 dishes of ice cream, later on that night. I had spent over 2 hours shoveling in the cold snow. My hunger was out of control.
I hate winter.
Progress as of today: 11 lbs lost so far, only 3 lbs to go!
You must have burned hundreds of calories shoveling snow, and in the cold, too, when your body uses up even more energy to maintain its temperature. No wonder you were so ravenous. Whereas I felt the same way yesterday and have no excuse!
You were right, by the way, I did say that I was going to update my weight but that was when I was hoping it would go down after a few days on the straight and narrow, so to speak. Instead it keeps going up, and now today I'm inevitably going to be gorging myself on bread, so there's no hope for tomorrow. But maybe this weekend...
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I have learned not to even bother discussing work issues with my husband, because he doesn't get that I want him to LISTEN, not SOLVE. He always starts raising his voice and telling what I need to do, but doesn't understand that sometimes it's not just black and white...
Do you have the same routes for the week, or do they change daily? Do you know ahead of time to where you could drive them on your own once before you take a bus? Otherwise, maybe plot them on a map yourself - that way you can see what streets you pass before you get to your turn etc, so you can familiarize yourself with the whole route rather than just where you turn. (Does that make sense?)
Hoping the snack doesn't haunt you today! :) Have a good weekend!
MsKitty on 02/23/2008:
courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear. take control of your emotions and pick up the peices. A positive out look will attract positive things to happen to you. Good luck and stay strong.
thinnsidenotout on 02/23/2008:
Tell them to get you a GPS...ya right huh!!!!!...... If it is the same route or close to iut, maybe a drive in your car a few times or just drive around that area and familiarize yourself with the street/avenue names.... Iused to be horrible with such things, but when I got into yard sales, etc..I had to learn them or I lost out on good buys...... You will get it down...
jon'smom on 02/23/2008:
It sounds to me like you lost your confidence. Here is an idea and I know this is going to sound silly and probaly to much work, but I would keep all the directions they give you and on a Saturday or Sunday, study them and then go in your car and drive the routes like you are picking up/dropping off the kids (without really doing this). I know this is really extreme, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Good luck !
mmuraro on 02/23/2008:
I am sorry, this must be hard. Some people are good with directions and other aren't. Maybe it's not related to you being spacy, it's just not something you're used to... have you ever thought about buying a gps? I am not sure they let you put that on the bus, but maybe you could ask, at least until you get used to the routes... some are expensive, but some are not too bad, maybe you could even look at ebay and buy an used one... something like this: http://www.amazon.com/Garmin-StreetPilot-Portable-GPS-Navigator/dp/B000BKN2Y0/ref=sr_1_23?ie=UTF8&s=electronics&qid=1203788914&sr=8-23
workingit2 on 02/23/2008:
I agree with driving the route in your car so that you build up the confidence. I hate driving anyway and I am horrid with directions so I give you props for having the strength to stick it out while driving a bunch of kids, a bus aid and being on a time schedule. Don't fret...just rearrange your plan of attack =)
Moody2 on 02/23/2008:
I suck at directions and would have to drive it on my own a few times first, before relying soley on diretions they give. You have a tough job and my hat goes off to you....hang in there!
Horn_Of_Plenty on 02/24/2008:
every new job takes work to get better at! I would not even try driving a bus because i know i couldn't do it well! I think you shouldn't stop working out in the afternoon. Have a snack right before you have to report to work in the afternoon, as well. Next, before you begin, I'd try to clear my mind. Take a few deep breaths. Stick to it...maybe it's like a learning curve...it may take a few weeks before you feel at ease!