I cannot possibly describe how strong the desire is to see a lower number on the scale. Throw me a bone: 115, 114.5.... 113 would be such a pretty number.
I'm tired of seeing 116. Blah.
Progress as of today: 28 lbs lost so far, only -14 lbs to go!
It's going to be OK... It's going to be OK... It's going to be OK... It's going to be OK... It's going to be OK...
One of those days...
Progress as of today: 28 lbs lost so far, only -14 lbs to go!
I seem to have stabilized at around 116. Lately, I have been feeling very large. I swear, last night, I thought that certain body parts had gotten noticeably larger within the last week or so. I don't think so.
I need to learn how to deal with anxious feelings. My husband is such a calm and cool guy on the outside in most situations. Me, on the other hand, I seem to wear my heart on my sleeve. I'm so transparent.
This here nerdy Donkey needs to work on being one cool racehorse. Or at least coming across like one.
Progress as of today: 28 lbs lost so far, only -14 lbs to go!
As for your comment to me yesterday, we may very well be sharing the same man, because mine is really cute too. he's just not really 'mine', dang it!!!!!
YOU ARE NOT BIG...you are small. You are very small. You are so small that you were worried about your small self. The anxious feeling is probably just making you feel bigger, freaking you out and all that stuff.
I do, however, understand that people with distorted body image or distorted eating, also have that feeling. And that sometimes when your life seems totally out of control, if the only thing you feel good at controlling is your weight, sometimes it becomes an obsession because it feels good to master the weight loss. And it can happen to anyone. I think we all have obsessions, and some of them can be weight control.
You are not big. You may have parts of yourself that you don't like, we all do. Right now the part I don't like is my whole body.
Hang in there Donkey...and don't pretend anything. =)
OK, yesterday was 114.0 and today was 116.5. And before that it was 115.5. So I took the average and it seems as though I've settled at around 115, which I can live with.
My one scale (yes, I have 2 scales and I weigh-in on both) measures water weight, and it is elevated this morning, so I'm sure I'm holding in quite a bit. It's rather humid today, and tomorrow it promises to be very hot and muggy, which I detest.
Progress as of today: 27.5 lbs lost so far, only -13.5 lbs to go!
i will make sure to keep eating often. i always do but lately it's gotten to be too much so. i need to keep some kind of schedule bc at work i just take coffee whenever i feel like it and i'm going overboard. getting bloated all the time and just consuming too much volume. i think. tomorrow's going to be difficult at work. perhaps i'll pick up one of those starbucks drinks on the way there! :)
OK, the only reason why I'm reporting this today is because it's the first of the month, and I thought it would be a good idea to have a reference point for how I do in August.
I would say that I'm starting to get concerned. I'm trying to work it out in my thoughts, to gather inner strength and a clear perspective. Definitely time to phase in a healthy maintenance program. Definitely....
Progress as of today: 28.5 lbs lost so far, only -14.5 lbs to go!
It's funny how talking to someone objective can make a person feel so much better. However, now I feel less than ever like eating. Bleah...
I'll have another cup of coffee instead. It will be OK.
Progress as of today: 27 lbs lost so far, only -13 lbs to go!
just remember you cannot starve. i miss reading your menus.
Pay no attention to that number in the weight column. Monday it was 117.5. Tuesday it was 121.5. Today it is 116.0. I have 2 scales that are 1lb off, and both scales correspond to the influx in weight. So that leads me to conclude that the number on the scale is nothing but donkey-doo.
My phone call was returned yesterday and it was not good news, but it was not unexpected. I can't make my problems go away by ignoring them, so I will have to fight them until I have no further recourse. I was able to convey that I have done considerable effort on my part, but I still have some nagging issues. I don't know if I should bring them up. Husband says I should not, but if you have questions, shouldn't you ask?
I am talking to someone about my anxiety tomorrow. So far, I have been able to get SOME sleep (as opposed to little to no sleep), but only out of sheer exhaustion. But 4-5 hours is better than 3 hours or 2-hour chunks throughout the night. I hope that this person will be able to help me get a grip on my nerves.
Progress as of today: 28 lbs lost so far, only -14 lbs to go!
Im glad you were able to get some sleep. A little is better than none. Good luck with your anxiety discussion. I hope you find some answers and relief soon.
I'm not sure what your struggles are, but wow, I read your entries and in spite of your humor (that Donkey humor that is so cool!) it feels like there are some very heavy things going on. I am so happy for you that you are going to speak to someone and get some assistance. You are a strong person and have been through a great deal, the move, trying to sell the house, all that frustration, the job, kids being sick, everything. But even the strongest of us need a haven and I am very glad to read you are going to create one for yourself. I wish you all the best!
i'm glad you are doing something proactive for yourself! :)
Just checking to let you know that I'm still hanging on to that knot at the end of my rope :-) It'll be all right. (Although - I'm expecting a phone call that will tell me if it will *really* be all right or if I have to hang onto that knot a little longer.)
My husband mentioned yesterday that maybe I'm getting a little too thin. Hmm. I don't think so. My weight is still healthy. I eat a lot. I exercise. I think it's jut because my body fat % is 15, so I do admit I look lean. Ahh you gotta love summertime. I love being outside and active, eating plenty of fresh fruits and vegetables. OF COURSE I'm going to be leaner. DUH! Now check back with me after Thanksgiving, when the Christmas cookies start to come out ;-) Trust me, it'll be a different story.
Progress as of today: 26.5 lbs lost so far, only -12.5 lbs to go!
Hang in there! Oh and yeah, for real about Thanksgiving and Christmas LOL!
Last night, I think I had a full blown panic attack. I was with dh at the kids' belt testing for TKD. Because there's a parade today, ALL the belts tested last night, instead of having the higher belts test on Saturday morning, so there were twice the number of people testing. It was hot (even though the AC was on & they had fans running), it was crowded, it was long, it was boring. (Oh Lord was it BORING.)
It started innocently enough. I started to feel like I couldn't catch my breath. I wasn't hyperventilating. Just every 2 minutes or so, I had to take a very deep breath because I felt smothered. Then this "wave" - that is the only way I can describe what it felt like - of panic and sadness and grief just came over me. I couldn't stop crying. Fortunately, I am a quiet crier, so I just put my head in my husband's shoulder and sobbed quietly. We left the building, and I sat out in the car to listen to some music (which helps take my mind off of thoughts), and then I sat outside the building, by the large glass windows so that I could see the kids finishing up their belt testing. I drove the family home. I felt much better.
I realized in the car, though, that I cannot be falling apart like this. I am stronger than this. Why am I letting people beat me down (figuratively speaking)? I can overcome this adversity. But I can't do it if I'm falling apart! I can't think clearly if I'm overcome with anxiety.
I NEED TO REMAIN STRONG AND CALM. STRONG AND CALM. (hey, new mantra!)
On Thursday, my husband made an appointment for me to talk to someone. I know I can work this out; I've had anxiety problems before that I resolved -- quite readily, in fact. 3 months of talk therapy and some cognitive rethinking and I was back on my feet. I think that what I need is a "refresher course" and just am objective voice to help keep me grounded.
Don't get me wrong, I have PLENTY of reasons to be anxious. I'm kind of a worrier anyway (mothers worry about everything), plus with all this c**p that's happening lately, my reaction should not be surprising. But I can't allow that to overtake what is good within me. Could this be a Jekyll and Hyde sort of thing? Hmm... The Good (what I know in my heart) must remain strong and intact or the Evil (fear, anxiety) will overtake me. But enough of this literary references. This is real life, not some book with a happy ending.
My weight is up 2.5lb today. Great. I have no idea why; I did everything right yesterday. I'm just going to chalk it up to fluctuation and not panic. It's rather humid here in the midwest, so maybe it's water retention. Did I have salty foods last night? Hmm... maybe I did, I can't remember...
The thing is not to panic. ;-)
Progress as of today: 26 lbs lost so far, only -12 lbs to go!
as for the weight, you know it fluctuates. i know it's hard to accept though. my weight went for a major fluctuation this week in a majorly wrong direction too! smartly, i didn't let it affect my negative thinking so much this time. :)
Good Weekend to you!
Wishing you a good day!
The anxiety is just overwhelming. I can't even begin to describe it, except to say that it sucks when you continually feel like you are having your breath knocked out of you. And that you are constantly "on edge", ready to fly off. There isn't a single day that doesn't go by where I think about parking my car on the railroad tracks and waiting for the train to come by.
(((Of course, I would NEVER EVER act on this, for my children's sake. I know what it's like to grow up with an absent parent, and I would not wish that pain on ANYONE much less my own children, whom I love desperately.)))
Diet and exercise: Diet is mostly fruits & vegetables, some protein, very few breads (and those that I have are high fiber). Exercise is the only thing that dulls the pain and makes me feel alive -- whole. I know I'm ok when I'm in motion. Running 3x a week and the elliptical 5x a week. It's my little safe corner in the world.
Progress as of today: 27.5 lbs lost so far, only -13.5 lbs to go!
Xo.
Please don't take the burden of risking your health for the benefit of numbing yourself to life...... Either way as it is now, you are slowly taking yourself away from your kids by continuing to ignore there is a problem that needs to be addressed.....Best seek professional help of some sort before you aren't around due to withering away....
Best of luck Donkey!
i speak for everyone when i say we only want the best for you.
While I cannot speak to what you, personally, are going through or what you need in order to help yourself..I just wanted to say how cool it is that you are sharing this with us, and that you are not alone at all.
Hang in there, Donkey. You are good people!
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Can I ask why your original goal of being 125 is now 102? My concern is that you have exceeded your goal and you should be so proud of your accomplishment. Yet your entries talk about seeing yourself as getting larger and are not the same tone as they were in the past. I know I have suggested this in the past but have you thought about seeing a counselor, therapist or even talking to your physician about this. Although all I know of you is from your entries I am concerned as I have had friends that have had feelings like you have only to find that losing weight did not make them happier but only caused more anxiety and depression. I say this as honest as the advice that you have given me in the past year. ((((HUGS))))
grumpy on 08/08/2008:
When you see 113, you will want 108. when you see 108, you will want 100, what after that? You should focus on your health, especially your anxiety issues. have a great friday!
Agent_Guber on 08/08/2008:
I hope that everything turns out the way they should for you, I am sorry you have anxiety .. it is so hard to live with especially when dealing with body image issues. I understand what you are going through. I use to be really big and I lost almost 100 pounds, I still saw myself at my original weight. I would go to the store and I would still pick up a 20 even though I was in a 12, then I would have to go back a few times until I got the right size because I didnt believe the changes my body had made, when I looked in the mirror I saw the same person I was, not who I had become.
maria777 on 08/08/2008:
Sounds like you are perfect right where you are!!! Be happy with it! Have you ever heard of eating disorders? It is easy to develop when on a diet, especially when one is dealing with a lot of stress. I am not saying that you have one...but at one time 'I' had one...I reached my goal but it was not good enough...I kept on and on til I ended up in the hospital...
Now that you have done so well, why not just maintain where you are and move on to thinking about other things...other things to DISTRACT your mind with instead of the scale? My Hubby threw out my scale last month cause he was concerned about me and while I am not saying for you to do likewise, I AM saying that you really need to think this through...and take good care of yourself in the meanwhile. ~Love, Maria
medusa on 08/08/2008:
Hey there. I ve seen your comment in my diary. Nice people are nice and mean people are mean. My big luck was thati understood that very early,so i learned to respond to all the mean people i ve met in my life. The greatest pleasure is that i noticed that except calling me "fat" they could say nothing else against me. Remember,they always have nothing else to say,and when they are mean they just trying to cover their own complexes and disantvantages.
Oh wait,116 lbs? Girl you are slim!
:D
Jen40 on 08/08/2008:
*hugs* there's so much I want to say, but I don't think I have the right to, and I don't think you really want to hear it. You know the answer here, deep within you and you don't need me to say it. But know that at one time, I knew exactly what you're feeling and why you're going for that lower number again. Honey, go talk with a counselor, there's no shame in it.