I went to the block party last night and had a good time. Unfortunately, my eating suffered somewhat.
This morning I am struggling with my body. No weigh-in, which I never do after any special occassion. I am dressed, waiting to leave for church, and I feel so fat. Every time I dress for church (meaning: not workout clothes), I am reminded of how much weight I seem to be holding on to.
The capris felt tight in the thigh. I think I even saw some bra fat in back -- which NEVER happens to me because I am not a bosomy person. My arms flex a mean bicep but even they seem large and fleshy.
I asked my daughter, carefully, if the outfit looked ok or if I needed to change something. She told me to make sure my top is pulled down so that it is straight. I wanted to be very careful not to put her in the position of judging me: "Do I look fat in this?" So I made sure I focused on the outfit.
Pretty sad for this 39 yr old to have to ask a 9 yr old for a realty check. But I know she'd be honest if it didn't look right.
Maybe I should change into a skirt instead....
The sad thing is that these are clothes that fit properly (I think) last year. I don't like clothing that fits really tight. I just feel so large. :-(
Progress as of today: 40 lbs lost so far, only 10 lbs to go!
No weigh-in today.
No gym today either -- at least not in my normal routine, so today could be tricky:
1. No gym
2. Husband works late
3. Anxious about neighborhood block party on Saturday
4. Discouraged about life in general (finances, unemployment, etc.)
You see, on Saturday my little cul-de-sac neighborhood is having their annual summer block party. Well, I had some legal problems that started last year, made the whole round of local media, blah blah blah. The incident involved an automobile accident (not DUI!!!!), and although it was an accident, I was still responsible for the consequences of what happened.
Since this accident, 2 of my neighbors, believing everything that was dramatized in the media - that my actions were intentional - have been just awful towards me. The other 4 neighbors still acknowledge me and give me a wave or a smile. (I don't talk to anyone any more.) But these 2 ladies are very scornful towards me.
So I am sure that you can see why a neighborhood block party would be uncomfortable for me.
My husband found out from our next door neighbor that at least 1 of these people will not be here for the party, which I thought meant both ladies, but I guess maybe it's just the one. I won't go if the other lady is present. It was bad enough having to go to court to face critical people; I'll be damned if I'm going put myself in a position of being scrutinized or criticized. again, willingly.
And so this impending party has brought back the flood of sadness, anger, anxiety, fear -- you name it -- that I have tried very hard to put behind me the past week.
As I said, if I can stop dwelling on the sorrows of the past, I do quite well. But when they come creeping back ..... It's like when an evening fog comes creeping in. You don't even notice it at first. And before you know it, it's so dense you can't even see the road ahead of you.
It's going to be a long, hot weekend... :-(
Progress as of today: 40 lbs lost so far, only 10 lbs to go!
"Look Ma -- no weigh-in!"
I decided that I would resist weighing in now until my next weigh-in on Tuesday.
My workout today was stink-o for two reasons:
1. My portable XM radio lost my playlists. I guess it's because I haven't listened to live music in quite some time. I like what I have saved, and ever since Michael Jackson died, I haven't had the heart to try to listen to new stuff. And I'm not a big MJ fan either. I liked his Jackson 5 stuff and the old school stuff. So I"m not sure what the problem is.
But for today, my problem was that I was stuck with the 2 options of listening to the 2 artists' whose work my husband downloaded for my daughter: Britney Spears and Lady Gaga. It made for a loooonnnngg workout.
2. I started thinking about "to-do" things that didn't get done, and how I needed to do them, or why weren't they done, blah blah blah. It totally took me out of the moment, which I don't like. I mean, gym time is Donkey Time. And I don't like it when I get stressed out about things that I need to get done (or should have been done) in the Real World.
So my workout kind of stank. I am sorely tempted to either go back to the gym this afternoon and get in a GOOD workout or do something outside. Maybe my kids would go on a bike ride with me....
Progress as of today: 40 lbs lost so far, only 10 lbs to go!
I figure I have returned to my "Real Weight", and now the hard work begins, once again.
Yestesrday was an Angry Day. I find anger a difficult emotion to hand constructively (is this possible?) because anger is so destructive. But at the end of the day, I realized that I had to just let it go and not carry it into the next day (which is today).
It's a work in progress.
I seem to be doing better with the food and exercise. I do an hour of cardio and 4-5 weight training exercises at the gym. I eat about 2000 calories throughout the day.
I try not to focus on negative feelings and put forth effort into the positive. Right now, that's not too difficult, because I'm not engaged in anything too challenging or meaningful right now. So this is a good time to get into the practice of positive.
That and taking it one day at a time.
Progress as of today: 40 lbs lost so far, only 10 lbs to go!
Hope your day is going well so far!
I guess I'm still losing binge weight... I usually weigh in on Tuesdays.
I had a great workout at the gym today. My new running shoes were a huge disappointment for running -- inadequate cushioning -- so I decided to see if they would work for me at the gym. I need a new shoe for "at the gym" as well, but I thought running was more important for my sanity's sake.
My new shoe will suffice for the gym. I will have to wait to have more $ to buy a proper running shoe, so this may be it for running for me this year. (Money is kind of tight this year.) And I'm ok with that.
I really enjoy doing cardio, so it occurred to me yesterday that maybe that's what I should be doing! And I love working out my legs -- kind of a love/hate relationship I have with my legs -- so maybe that's what I should be doing! I don't really like working my upper body all that much, so maybe I shouldn't be doing as much of that. (It's still important to do some, though, especially for donkeys my age.)
I also came to the revelation - over the weekend? - that if I continue to binge, I won't lose any weight. If I "need" to binge, ok, well fine, but then don't expect to lose any weight.
You would think this would be obvious, wouldn't you?
But for some reason, all of this hadn't really occurred to me. I was trying to be and do things that aren't really me. And that hasn't worked.
Which is why it's OK if I have to wait to run again. Because maybe it's something I shouldn't be doing right now -- for ME -- and *especially* in shoes that aren't what I need.
Progress as of today: 38 lbs lost so far, only 12 lbs to go!
i know...i must work on my intake throughout the day. today was just exhausting. and i had horrible choices at every meal. especially lunch, which left me famished only 2 hours later. perhaps i also had too much diet coke. ugh. better tomorrow.
Have a good one Donkey!
I think I keep weighing myself in order to see if I'm losing "binge weight" versus "real weight"....
Well, yesterday was actually a pretty good day eating-wise, probably because I was able to keep my emotions at bay (away, essentially). This is quite an improvement over last week, when I was feeling despondent even in the face of good news. (And not just "good news" but "saving-our-butts good news".)
I hope to continue to use the "Just For Today" philosophy for today as well. I'm also employing the "Fake It Til You Make It" approach by smiling as much as I can in public. One guy at the gym this morning said to me, "You shouldn't be smiling this early in the morning; what are you drinking?" LOL! Strong coffee, my friend. Very strong coffee....
Progress as of today: 37 lbs lost so far, only 13 lbs to go!
me and you, we're having some recent very highs and very lows, emotionally/mentally. lets try to reach a healthy plateau.
Not that I'm hung up on the scale. Please do not misunderstand the weigh-in this morning.
Today was quite a different Sunday than usual. Our town had a small "parade" with the lights and sirens of police and fire. (Indeed, it is called the "Lights & Sirens Parade" -- so as not to be confused with "Throwing Tons of Candy At Your Kids Parade".) Then they had an auto show afterwards, outside.
So I took the kids and walked the 4 blocks or so to a nice shady spot and watched the 15 minute (?) parade (LOL). Then we walked around and saw some of the cars and walked home.
Later, my daughter (9) and I went for a 2 hour long bike ride. Not very strenuous for me, but enjoyable and relaxing.
Now I am going to the store to buy milk, as we ran out of that this morning. I have taken to drinking a glass of milk in the morning.
This is definitely one of those "one day at a time" days, where I didn't think of too much of anything but today.
Progress as of today: 35.5 lbs lost so far, only 14.5 lbs to go!
It sounds like a lovely day!
Today's entry is soley for the purpose of logging in a "starting" weight for the month of August.
I tried to think of goals for myself for this month, but I have none.
Progress as of today: 35 lbs lost so far, only 15 lbs to go!
Did not weigh in but I am sure I am up to around 144.
I am not doing well today at all. But I wanted to have an entry today so that at the end of August, I can look back and see how far I've come.
July didn't get much accomplished.
Here's looking forward to a much more positive August.
Progress as of today: 40 lbs lost so far, only 10 lbs to go!
Hope your day goes well today!
I didn't make it.
For some reason, I ended up crossing that line between EAT and DON'T EAT.
And I ate.
Progress as of today: 40 lbs lost so far, only 10 lbs to go!
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OMG I feel the exact same way. Recently I started crying in church and people thought I was moved by the spirit or something but I was just thinking how fat I felt that day and how self conscious I was and how out of control I felt. You probably just feel more bloated from extra salt intake than anything else and after a day or two you'll feel back to your svelt sexy self! Today I feel the same way because we had a family reunion last night and I blew the diet out of the water and then had to go to church this am. My fingers are swollen so I didn't wear my rings you know? Even my feet feel fat. SO this morning I decided to have a couple days of raw foods and water to get all that toxic salt and sugar OUT! BTW You are thinner than my goal weight right now and look how far you have come and all you'v accomplished! 40 pounds WOW! GOOD JOB
catepillar on 08/10/2009:
Most of my clothes are too tight. Simply because I refuse to buy larger sizes. LOL I would bet your clothes don't look how you think they look, and asking your little girl how you look, they are going to give little girl answers or answers that make you happy. I had to stop asking my daughter because I snapped at her when she said I looked 'fine' when I know I didn't. It just wasn't right to put her in that situation. (Not saying that is what you did, but it is what I did)I would bet that your previous weight made you very self conscious and your anxiety over the social situation was such that it brought up your other anxieties and this one was a day delayed. Probably mostly because when we go to church, we want to look our very best and take an extra close look at ourselves. I'm sure you look fine and bra fat doesn't have to always come from being heavy up top, it can come from an improper fitted bra or type of bra. My sister is slim up top and she has bra fat, I am full up top and don't have bra fat :)
grumpy on 08/10/2009:
Well here's a reality check from a 32 year old: you are not so large, and it's not possible you are at 140, unless you are 4 feet tall. Focus on the party and the good times you had and on the fact you and your cute 9 year old were trying on clothes together instead. love ya!