I want to thank those who read my last diary entry -- and especially those who responded. Thank you hollybelle for the serenity prayer.
What I should have done is cut and pasted Horn of Plenty's diary entry right here, because that is exactly how I feel, except that I know that I have real constraints that hold me back. So in some respects -- well, many actually -- the comparison is unfair.
I guess the point that was missed is that from time to time, I simply CANNOT ACCEPT unchangeable things in my life. I can't. It's beyond me. I'm not capable of it. This non-acceptance is always there. Even when it seems as though I'm making progress or being a "happy person" --- no, this is always there. It doesn't go away.
So, dear people, I ask you, humbly, to forgive me when these feelings errupt, as they do often. It's very hard being in the same body with someone you detest.
Progress as of today: 12.5 lbs lost so far, only 20.5 lbs to go!
I'm here today because I'm very upset and there's no one I can talk to about my feelings.
I don't want to get into specifics but just sometimes, it's very hard to live with oneself and the unchangeable circumstances. Some things cannot be changed. Yet I cannot live with this. Nor can I accept it.
Thank you for listening.
Progress as of today: 12.5 lbs lost so far, only 20.5 lbs to go!
Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him Forever in the next. Amen.
--Reinhold Niebuhr
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will direct your paths.
Proverbs 3, 5-6
Here I am, craving salt....
Last night -- OMGosh I wanted to eat so badly. I think a lot of it was genuine hunger because I would have been satisfied with carrot sticks. But I knew, too, that some of it was fatigue and stress. I managed to resist, but it was very difficult.
This was after returning from our old house, which we have been trying to sell for over a year. And for 5 years, off and on, before we finally just said, "Forget it, let's move and hope it sells." It never did sell.
Anyway, dh and I went up there and I mowed the whole lawn. At 7pm, the bank therometer - as you drive into town - said 92F (33C). At 7pm. And I'm out there mowing a big butt yard. It took me at least an hour. And when I went to bed last night, I could feel the ache in my legs.
It took me so long to mow the lawn that my daughter called us up on the way home, worried that something happened or we went someplace else. My husband said, "Well, sweetie, it's a big yard."
That was the only cardio I got in yesterday, because it was so freakin' hot. And it's just as well because for dinner, we had pizza. And I had too much of it. I realized that if one is having salt cravings, pizza is probably not the best thing to have for dinner.
Still, I think between the hunger and the cravings and the lawn mowing, I broke even.
I just need the d*mn house to sell.
Progress as of today: 12.5 lbs lost so far, only 20.5 lbs to go!
your advice is good, actually...it is not really the time for me to lose weight by focussing my energies on it. i have too much time at home, no schedule. definitely not the best circumstances for someone like me to do so. i am usually best when i have lots of free time, but not if it also involves pressures like job hunting. i'm so glad the test is done, and i will SLOWLY incorporate better eating into my diet, but i really shouldn't be putting all types of restrictions or plans for weightloss as my first choice endeavor right now. :-)
So, cheers to moderation?...
Greetings,
I don't have much to say, but of course, I will log in and record this week's weigh-in. I must say that I am pleasantly surprised with the 1 pound loss this week.
It has been incredibly hot and humid again, and between compromising my walking workouts and huge salt cravings (not to mention TOM coming around the weekend more or less -- see my comment to SkinnyGrlWithin about hormone issues), I was NOT expecting anything good.
However, I took a look back at my exercise log and found that I did quite a bit more exercise than I had thought.
AND
Last night, the urge to snack late at night was SO STRONG. It was very very very very difficult to resist. Especially when Donkey's 10-yr old fit, trim, athletic daughter comes in and says with a big smile, "I'm ready for some birthday cake, Mommy." Yeah, me too sweetie. Let me get my bathing suit on so I can dive into that cake....
Instead, I gently reminded her that we did not need cake or dessert every night and that we would have cake tomorrow night (which is now tonight). I did NOT tell her it was because it was my "Stay Sane Day", when I tend to eat a little more or indulge a little more, to help stave off binge urges.
So putting off my indulges paid off for me this week. With TOM coming along, it will be imperative to keep all chips out of the house over the weekend: tortilla chips, potato chips, Donkey chips (which happen to be ON SALE this week!!!!)....
My efforts and patience will be rewarded. Amen.
Progress as of today: 12.5 lbs lost so far, only 20.5 lbs to go!
As for the law job search... you don't find out until at the very earliest Nov. which definitely is annoying. I am applying for attorney positions, and places with hire you as like a legal secretary or an assistant to an attorney with the understanding in your contract that once you get your results that you pass you will be moved up as an attorney. As for the places that I have been looking... hotjobs.com indeed.com, capitalareahelpwanted.com, craigslist.com ...and then I'vebeen googling "attorney jobs in albany ny" and checking out all the sites that come up with that.
Having a hard time staying focused. Did not drink 8 glasses of water on Saturday, but still managed to walk every damn day...
Yesterday, I spent most of my morning up at our old house, the one we are trying to sell but may end up renting if nobody buys it before winter sets in.
I found out that the toilet in the kids' bathroom has a crack at the base, and was leaking water. So I mopped it up and turned off the water to that toilet. I didn't flush it again (to empty out the basin), but hopefully it will be OK. I am headed up there later this week to mow, and if dh comes with me he can take a look at it.
Trying not to let the stress get the better of me. THREE nights in a row, now, I have heard the emotional eating urge beckoning me. And all three times, I have been able to resist.
It's that after-dinner snacking urge that I'm fighting. It's when I do the most damage. It's very hard to resist. And of those 3 nights, there were at least 1 where I just wanted to drown myself in buttercream frosting.
Still, even with resisting this temptation, I am worried that I will not lose this week. I just have not been putting forth 100% effort. My own fault.
Progress as of today: 11.5 lbs lost so far, only 21.5 lbs to go!
I now have a tangible goal: to fit back into my navy blue wedding hostess dress.
It's plain and dark, with short sleaves. It's very soft. I don't know how many more pounds I will have to lose in order for it to start fitting properly. I like it because while it has a certain sillouette to it, it can be worn well at numerous weights/sizes. The tag says "10" but I think that's being generous. Maybe once I hit the 140's, I'll be able to fit into it reasonably well, once again.
Today I went for a walk and ran out of steam half way through. The only thing I can think of was not enough carbs yesterday. It was warmer than I had thought it was going to get. These cooler nights can be deceptive, once the sun comes out and starts to shine brightly.
I hostessed a wedding this afternoon, so now I must resist the temptation to reward myself with a piece of cake tonight.
Progress as of today: 11.5 lbs lost so far, only 21.5 lbs to go!
Have a good one there! (BTW, I appreciated your comment to HoP about recovery. Keep putting one foot in front of the other!)
Just checking in with my weekly weigh-in today...
I might have had better numbers had my dinner not been so salty last night. The weather is very humid and somewhat hot -- although hard to tell because the humidity makes everything seem tropical. So I have been craving salt like crazy. Not so much the ice cream, in fact.
Today I took an awesome bike ride to church for noon services. I plan to walk this evening, as well. Dh and I are having an early dinner tonight, with the kids out of town with Grandma (my mom) this week.
Progress as of today: 11.5 lbs lost so far, only 21.5 lbs to go!
I realized after I had my breakfast that I should have weighed in this morning for an August 1st weight.
My goals for August are:
1. Lose 4 lbs.
2. Walk every day -- 20 minute minimum (what it takes to walk around my subdivision)
3. Drink 8 glasses of water every day.
I also want to start doing some kind of weight training or resistance training, but I haven't formulated a plan about that yet, so it probably won't happen this month.
Progress as of today: 11 lbs lost so far, only 22 lbs to go!
Just logging in my weigh-in for the day.
I broke my walking streak yesterday. It got too outside before I could get in a walk and then I had a sinus headache in the evening. It was terribly humid outside yesterday.
So hopefully I will start a new streak today. This morning was my last morning of ESL classes (where I volunteer), for the summer term, so I was unable to walk this morning. I will take a short walk around the neighborhood this evening, weather permitting. I usually take it easy on weigh-in day.
I'm so sick of summer though. I welcome some cooler temperatures. Not cold, just a wee bit cooler with not so much humidity....
Progress as of today: 11 lbs lost so far, only 22 lbs to go!
Hope it cooled off enough for you to get out for a nice walk this evening!!
Still walking, still drinking water, still watching portion sizes, for the most part.
Lately, I eat and it sits heavy in my stomach. I was thinking about this during my walk this morning. While it is "full" almost to the uncomfortable, in some ways, it is comforting too. This is very odd. I know that when I say "full", it is not because I have eaten too much, because LOGICALLY, I know the content of what I have eaten.
Then there are --- or rather, now I can say "were" --- times when I felt that no matter WHAT I ate, I could not get to that point of feeling full.
I think this goes hand-in-hand with my recent bouts of feeling (not) fat. This is quite different for me to be experiencing, after years and years of a dysfunctional relationship with my physical self.
Since I am currently unemployed, one of my biggest passions is ESL literacy advocation. I love to help beginning students in ESL classes. Not so much the advanced classes, where they are more comfortable with English -- or at least not so afraid to try -- but the very beginners who seem to be floating adrift in a world of English.
THESE are the people I want to help.
Anyway, I was helping in this one class for nearly a year, when this other lady started helping out too. I could not help these feelings of competation with her, even though, LOGICALLY, I knew that there was no reason to feel this way.
She is retired. Her husband is passed. Her children are grown with children of their own. She lives in an apartment. So she has quite a bit less than I do, at this present time. And yet, she has more freedom, in some ways. So of course, she is going to be able to volunteer more because she has more free time. I have my children, my house, my husband --- all of these things to tend to. I think I was feeling resentful, yet, again, LOGICALLY, knew that this was irrational.
And she would say to me how happy she was with her life, how "full" she felt. Between her ESL work and her work with the homeless and the health clinic (for those disenfranchised), she was content.
So I'm wondering if my feelings of "full" and "not fat" are somehow a sign that I am headed in the right direction. I think I am. Yesterday, during my walk, I told myself that I am not doing this to achieve some vanity goal of thinness or numbers on the scale or cardio minutes. No, this time, I'm doing this because it's what I need to do to become a better person.
But thank God for that Logical Self, because she's the one that keeps me in check!
Progress as of today: 8.5 lbs lost so far, only 29.5 lbs to go!
everything you are feeling sounds wonderful. Our bodies do tell us and give us signs when we are treating our minds/bodies well! Apparantly, when we take our time, take small steps, and try "a little less," it works out to our benefit a little more!
Between the months of feb-april, maybe even January, I was headed in a very positive direction. I was losing weight, almost 10 pounds. It is when we try to take the little steps that everything works in our favor. The moment we get greedy, want to much too fast, that's when the ball stops!
So keep on keeping on! :-)
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Oh man, what the f--k is wrong with us?
I think we BOTH do a great job looking at the misfortunes, the bad parts of our lives. We both need to open our eyes and focus on what's good. For me, getting a job would solve almost ALL of my problems. This is the one area that could fix MOST everything for the most part right now.
My whole feelings of worthlessness are from a lack of job. Of course, I need to work on other things, but if i had a job I could soon move out and become the independent person i want to be. funny how this one thing could change my life.
we do have different lives, but it's understandable that we could both be feeling the same way.
I think about death and dying OFTEN. I don't give too much thought to "how i would kill myself" because I really am TOO afraid right now. Also, I wouldn't want people going through all my belongings...sounds kinda dumb but that's just how i feel. I wouldn't want this computer even looked through.
I wouldn't even want a funeral aside from my immediate family. there's something wrong with all of this, i know.
hopefully i can get a job and move on out of this mess.
legcramps on 08/16/2010:
Hard to respond to this; I can quite literally FEEL your frustration towards yourself. Often, we tend to try to solve other people's problem without really understanding what those issues actually are. So I won't try, because I couldn't possibly know what you're going through. But i'm here. You know. We're all here. That's all.
Moody3 on 08/16/2010:
I don't know what it is in your life that you feel you cannot accept~It hurts my heart to hear the pain in your words~I wish there was something I could do to help~We may have never met, but I truly care and want you to be ok~
Horn_Of_Plenty on 08/16/2010:
I send encouragment and know I'm hoping you are feeling a bit better today. :-)
just42day on 08/16/2010:
I read your comment to V. I know where Crystal Lake is!!!! I live in Palatine. We're darn near neighbors. :)
biscottibody59 on 08/17/2010:
RYC: Sure enough--I'm just starting, but if I have any minor or major revelations I'll let you know.