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Donkey - Sunday Aug 15, 2010
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 155.5

I want to thank those who read my last diary entry -- and especially those who responded.  Thank you hollybelle for the serenity prayer.

What I should have done is cut and pasted Horn of Plenty's diary entry right here, because that is exactly how I feel, except that I know that I have real constraints that hold me back.  So in some respects -- well, many actually -- the comparison is unfair.

I guess the point that was missed is that from time to time, I simply CANNOT ACCEPT unchangeable things in my life.  I can't.  It's beyond me.  I'm not capable of it.  This non-acceptance is always there.  Even when it seems as though I'm making progress or being a "happy person" --- no, this is always there.  It doesn't go away. 

So, dear people, I ask you, humbly, to forgive me when these feelings errupt, as they do often.  It's very hard being in the same body with someone you detest.

Progress as of today: 12.5 lbs lost so far, only 20.5 lbs to go!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 08/16/2010:
Oh man, what the f--k is wrong with us?

I think we BOTH do a great job looking at the misfortunes, the bad parts of our lives. We both need to open our eyes and focus on what's good. For me, getting a job would solve almost ALL of my problems. This is the one area that could fix MOST everything for the most part right now.

My whole feelings of worthlessness are from a lack of job. Of course, I need to work on other things, but if i had a job I could soon move out and become the independent person i want to be. funny how this one thing could change my life.

we do have different lives, but it's understandable that we could both be feeling the same way.

I think about death and dying OFTEN. I don't give too much thought to "how i would kill myself" because I really am TOO afraid right now. Also, I wouldn't want people going through all my belongings...sounds kinda dumb but that's just how i feel. I wouldn't want this computer even looked through.

I wouldn't even want a funeral aside from my immediate family. there's something wrong with all of this, i know.

hopefully i can get a job and move on out of this mess.

legcramps on 08/16/2010:
Hard to respond to this; I can quite literally FEEL your frustration towards yourself. Often, we tend to try to solve other people's problem without really understanding what those issues actually are. So I won't try, because I couldn't possibly know what you're going through. But i'm here. You know. We're all here. That's all.

Moody3 on 08/16/2010:
I don't know what it is in your life that you feel you cannot accept~It hurts my heart to hear the pain in your words~I wish there was something I could do to help~We may have never met, but I truly care and want you to be ok~

Horn_Of_Plenty on 08/16/2010:
I send encouragment and know I'm hoping you are feeling a bit better today. :-)

just42day on 08/16/2010:
I read your comment to V. I know where Crystal Lake is!!!! I live in Palatine. We're darn near neighbors. :)

biscottibody59 on 08/17/2010:
RYC: Sure enough--I'm just starting, but if I have any minor or major revelations I'll let you know.

Donkey - Saturday Aug 14, 2010
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 155.5

I'm here today because I'm very upset and there's no one I can talk to about my feelings.

I don't want to get into specifics but just sometimes, it's very hard to live with oneself and the unchangeable circumstances.  Some things cannot be changed.  Yet I cannot live with this.  Nor can I accept it.

Thank you for listening.

Progress as of today: 12.5 lbs lost so far, only 20.5 lbs to go!

hollybelle on 08/14/2010:
The Serenity Prayer God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him Forever in the next. Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will direct your paths.

Proverbs 3, 5-6

hollybelle on 08/14/2010:
I really love the second verse of that prayer in particular. God Bless you!

tangalyn on 08/14/2010:
hmmm i bet whatever is wrong, id understand... if u wanna talk at all, let me know, i hope u feel better.. *big hugs*

Moody3 on 08/14/2010:
Sorry you are struggling Donkey~I will keep you in my prayers~God bless

Maria7 on 08/14/2010:
You don't have to say what it is that is bothering you right now. We are here and WE CARE about you. I really LOVE the serenity prayer Hollybelle listed above...how many times have I recited it over and over and over...it comes down to casting your cares on the Lord because He cares for you. I think that we each have things we are dealing with on a daily basis...elsewise, why are we even here??? It's not about the food, really. It's about haven gained weight as we used food to try to console ourselves. ....I just now prayed for you.

moogy on 08/14/2010:
Patience is a hard lesson to learn, it sometimes takes years. Some situations are not under our control have to be lived with but sometimes things change either through our own actions or others. I hope thinks work out in your favour.

V on 08/14/2010:
I hope that your spirits will be lifted soon :) Take care of yourself!

V on 08/14/2010:
I am curious as to how far from the city you live??? If possible I would love for you to come to my party Tuesday 17th all the info is on my post :)

Donkey - Friday Aug 13, 2010
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 155.5

Here I am, craving salt....

Last night -- OMGosh I wanted to eat so badly.  I think a lot of it was genuine hunger because I would have been satisfied with carrot sticks.  But I knew, too, that some of it was fatigue and stress.  I managed to resist, but it was very difficult.

This was after returning from our old house, which we have been trying to sell for over a year.  And for 5 years, off and on, before we finally just said, "Forget it, let's move and hope it sells."  It never did sell.

Anyway, dh and I went up there and I mowed the whole lawn.  At 7pm, the bank therometer - as you drive into town - said 92F (33C).  At 7pm.  And I'm out there mowing a big butt yard. It took me at least an hour. And when I went to bed last night, I could feel the ache in my legs. 

It took me so long to mow the lawn that my daughter called us up on the way home, worried that something happened or we went someplace else.  My husband said, "Well, sweetie, it's a big yard."

That was the only cardio I got in yesterday, because it was so freakin' hot.  And it's just as well because for dinner, we had pizza.  And I had too much of it.  I realized that if one is having salt cravings, pizza is probably not the best thing to have for dinner.

Still, I think between the hunger and the cravings and the lawn mowing, I broke even.

I just need the d*mn house to sell.

Progress as of today: 12.5 lbs lost so far, only 20.5 lbs to go!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 08/13/2010:
i'll keep your house in my thoughts! LOL...and i hope it does sell for you!!

your advice is good, actually...it is not really the time for me to lose weight by focussing my energies on it. i have too much time at home, no schedule. definitely not the best circumstances for someone like me to do so. i am usually best when i have lots of free time, but not if it also involves pressures like job hunting. i'm so glad the test is done, and i will SLOWLY incorporate better eating into my diet, but i really shouldn't be putting all types of restrictions or plans for weightloss as my first choice endeavor right now. :-)

So, cheers to moderation?...

loveray on 08/13/2010:
i hope you have an awesome weekend despite the stressful circumstances. sending lots of love your way!!

Maria7 on 08/13/2010:
I'm glad you're okay after mowing in that heat. :-)

moogy on 08/13/2010:
I bet you did break even, that sounds like hard work. I only mowed the lawn once, my husband was so suprised when he drove home he drove into the garage doors. LOL

Donkey - Wednesday Aug 11, 2010
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 155.5


I don't have much to say, but of course, I will log in and record this week's weigh-in.  I must say that I am pleasantly surprised with the 1 pound loss this week.

It has been incredibly hot and humid again, and between compromising my walking workouts and huge salt cravings (not to mention TOM coming around the weekend more or less -- see my comment to SkinnyGrlWithin about hormone issues), I was NOT expecting anything good.

However, I took a look back at my exercise log and found that I did quite a bit more exercise than I had thought.


Last night, the urge to snack late at night was SO STRONG.  It was very very very very difficult to resist.  Especially when Donkey's 10-yr old fit, trim, athletic daughter comes in and says with a big smile, "I'm ready for some birthday cake, Mommy."  Yeah, me too sweetie.  Let me get my bathing suit on so I can dive into that cake....

Instead, I gently reminded her that we did not need cake or dessert every night and that we would have cake tomorrow night (which is now tonight).  I did NOT tell her it was because it was my "Stay Sane Day", when I tend to eat a little more or indulge a little more, to help stave off binge urges.

So putting off my indulges paid off for me this week.  With TOM coming along, it will be imperative to keep all chips out of the house over the weekend:  tortilla chips, potato chips, Donkey chips (which happen to be ON SALE this week!!!!)....

My efforts and patience will be rewarded.  Amen.

Progress as of today: 12.5 lbs lost so far, only 20.5 lbs to go!

moogy on 08/11/2010:
LOL donkey, I recognise that bathing suit analagy. I have this little thought in the back of my head that says " all I want to do is sit on a big pile of junk food and eat my way to the bottom and never have to worry about what I eat again" of course, reality kicks in and I do what you do hold on and hope sleep comes sooner rather than later. Well done.

moogy on 08/11/2010:
Oh, and congratulations on the loss. Yay!!

Maria7 on 08/11/2010:
Thank you for your kind words. Congratulations to you on your new lower number. :-)

loveray on 08/11/2010:
hi love!! you are doing so well. congrats on your loss. xo

V on 08/11/2010:
Breakfast is the hardest thing for me,I usually get up at 7:30 and I am usually not hungry til 11 or so. I try to make up for it during the day...Good job on not eating the Donkey chips,lol Yea for weight loss!

just42day on 08/11/2010:
Congrats on the loss and the remarkable restraint! Good for you. I'm sure you will be duly rewarded as you've earned it. Keep up the great work!

thinnside40 on 08/12/2010:
WhooHoo!!!! Resistance builds confidence..........

KathyBlue on 08/12/2010:
you can explain your daughter that once a week is the recommended dose for sweets :)))

skinnygrlwithin on 08/12/2010:
I'm really proud of you for saying no...not only did you resist your urges you resisted your kid's urges... especially with TOM coming... I wasn't even hungry when i got home from work last night but of course I picked because of TOM cravings...

As for the law job search... you don't find out until at the very earliest Nov. which definitely is annoying. I am applying for attorney positions, and places with hire you as like a legal secretary or an assistant to an attorney with the understanding in your contract that once you get your results that you pass you will be moved up as an attorney. As for the places that I have been looking... hotjobs.com indeed.com, capitalareahelpwanted.com, craigslist.com ...and then I'vebeen googling "attorney jobs in albany ny" and checking out all the sites that come up with that.

Donkey - Monday Aug 09, 2010
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 156.5

Having a hard time staying focused.  Did not drink 8 glasses of water on Saturday, but still managed to walk every damn day...

Yesterday, I spent most of my morning up at our old house, the one we are trying to sell but may end up renting if nobody buys it before winter sets in.

I found out that the toilet in the kids' bathroom has a crack at the base, and was leaking water.  So I mopped it up and turned off the water to that toilet.  I didn't flush it again (to empty out the basin), but hopefully it will be OK.  I am headed up there later this week to mow, and if dh comes with me he can take a look at it.

Trying not to let the stress get the better of me.  THREE nights in a row, now, I have heard the emotional eating urge beckoning me.  And all three times, I have been able to resist.

It's that after-dinner snacking urge that I'm fighting.  It's when I do the most damage. It's very hard to resist.  And of those 3 nights, there were at least 1 where I just wanted to drown myself in buttercream frosting.

Still, even with resisting this temptation, I am worried that I will not lose this week.  I just have not been putting forth 100% effort.  My own fault.

Progress as of today: 11.5 lbs lost so far, only 21.5 lbs to go!

hollybelle on 08/09/2010:
Was just talking about this snack/emotional eating urge this morning, myself. My tool I am practicing to re-wire myself at those times is this: Three questions: What am I wanting this food to "fix"? What is irrational about that? Then, what do I need? You are already identifying the urge and determining that it is emotional - you are stopping yourself (resisting as you pupt it) - that's 85% of the game you are winning! But understanding more and re-wiring thoughts is taking it a step further, I think......let me know what you think! I'm determined to figure more of this out!

KathyBlue on 08/09/2010:
It is indeed very hard to resist after-dinner snacking. I tried to resolve that by staying out until late and then fall into bed... it worked but it couldn't happen everyday of course... But I believe this has to do with the lifestyle because when I lived in an other country where life started earlier and ended up later (no tendencies for late night dinners, etc.) I could easily stop eating at 5 pm.

Horn_Of_Plenty on 08/09/2010:
...going to comment more, but YES, my eating is definitely over the top ridiculous!!!! :-) definitely so unhealthy for a month straight. so many binges. it's hard to believe, actually, that i came out OK in the end after all this food. oh man!

legcramps on 08/09/2010:
Hope you manage to continue to control the evening snacking; I always have a hard time with this and when we're not 100% into resisting, it's even more difficult!

biscottibody59 on 08/09/2010:
Enjoy your day!

moogy on 08/09/2010:
I know that urge well. I was OK last night however, I find that sometimes if I have a good dinner (600cals) and do something with my hands, or read a book to get lost in, or even a good movie that helps get me through. I find that the evening munchies are cyclical and hit me worst when it is almost my TOM - how about keeping track of when they are worst. You are in control of the food not the other way around.

Donkey - Friday Aug 06, 2010
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 156.5

I now have a tangible goal:  to fit back into my navy blue wedding hostess dress.

It's plain and dark, with short sleaves.  It's very soft.  I don't know how many more pounds I will have to lose in order for it to start fitting properly.  I like it because while it has a certain sillouette to it, it can be worn well at numerous weights/sizes.  The tag says "10" but I think that's being generous.  Maybe once I hit the 140's, I'll be able to fit into it reasonably well, once again.

Today I went for a walk and ran out of steam half way through.  The only thing I can think of was not enough carbs yesterday.  It was warmer than I had thought it was going to get.  These cooler nights can be deceptive, once the sun comes out and starts to shine brightly.

I hostessed a wedding this afternoon, so now I must resist the temptation to reward myself with a piece of cake tonight. 

Progress as of today: 11.5 lbs lost so far, only 21.5 lbs to go!

grumpy on 08/06/2010:
Thanks for the visit and the cheering, Donkey! I need it! I have a lot os catching up to do. Starting all over. I gained more than I was at when I first started, crazy no? Now I already lost some, but it's just the beginning. I put a higher goal than my real goal, and seeing that bar fill up in yellow does help motivating me. More than anything, everything is looking brighter to me. Mom had cancer and now she's back to her old form and coming to visit me in a week! :) And just the fact that I stopped and started eating healthy again, even if I am way bigger than before, makes me feel better and prettier. Looks like you also started losing again. 11.5 is great! congrats! How have you been girl?

KathyBlue on 08/06/2010:
aww, sounds sexy: navy blue wedding hostess dress! :D Exciting! So by then we want a photo... :D The 140's!!! It's not that far!!! Check the bar! :)

cleaneating on 08/06/2010:
You will get into that dress :)

just42day on 08/06/2010:
Great setting a goal! I'm sure you'll reach it! I've been volunteering at the same place since January. 99% of the time it's fine. As all I do is provide "administrative assistance" like answering phones, updating databases and dealing with walk-ins for info, most of the time it's ok. The "now we don't need you" situations are typically because the volunteer coordinator is a bit scattered and forgets she has enough employees on hand. Thankfully, there was only one instance when I showed up and then informed I wasn't needed. Most of the time she'll cancel the day before if I'm not needed. Because I'm unemployed (unfortunately!!!) my schedule's pretty flexible. Sorry you've had disappointments volunteering as I know that can be very frustrating! I hope you fit into that navy dress soon! :)

moogy on 08/06/2010:
Yep! If you are eating only a few carbs the body can't get enough fast enough to replenish the ones you are burning up. I remember doing my gym circuit(when I went to the gym)whilst on low carb and almost passing out half way through, no carbs to burn. I had to sit down and wait for the energy to get back to the car. The dress sounds as if it would be good for you to keep always as a marker of how your weight is going.

skinnygrlwithin on 08/06/2010:
Thank you so much... I'm really so glad that your thoughts of me were able to push me through your workout... you can do it...the more you do it the less like you feel like you need to push through and the more it just becomes natural... that and I bash myself in my head when I feel like I want to give up while I'm running... probably not the best approach, but it's worked for years

V on 08/06/2010:
i am sure the dress will be amazing on you :)

V on 08/06/2010:
I am always happy to entertain you all with my crazy tales!!! i am sure my vacation entries will be the best ones yet :) Thank you :)

WI3 on 08/07/2010:
Glad you have a goal!! YAY! Congrats on hosting the wedding :)

biscottibody59 on 08/07/2010:
Hope you're okay--sounds odd for you to run out of steam like that!

Have a good one there! (BTW, I appreciated your comment to HoP about recovery. Keep putting one foot in front of the other!)

Donkey - Wednesday Aug 04, 2010
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 156.5

Just checking in with my weekly weigh-in today...

I might have had better numbers had my dinner not been so salty last night.  The weather is very humid and somewhat hot -- although hard to tell because the humidity makes everything seem tropical.  So I have been craving salt like crazy.  Not so much the ice cream, in fact.

Today I took an awesome bike ride to church for noon services.   I plan to walk this evening, as well.  Dh and I are having an early dinner tonight, with the kids out of town with Grandma (my mom) this week.

Progress as of today: 11.5 lbs lost so far, only 21.5 lbs to go!

just42day on 08/04/2010:
Sounds like you have some great exercise planned for the day! Good for you!

KathyBlue on 08/04/2010:
awesome! Bike rides are sooo much fun!!! I really miss it... I cannot bike around here anymore :(

V on 08/04/2010:
Enjoy your kid free week! :)

Maria7 on 08/04/2010:
Sodium will do it EVERY TIME!!!! :-)

moogy on 08/04/2010:
That salt, I tell you, we need to avoid it a couple of days before weigh in!!! The walks should help to balance you out, drink plenty and it will flush out your system. The half pound counts,it takes a lot of work to move half a pound.Good luck.

Donkey - Sunday Aug 01, 2010
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 157.0

I realized after I had my breakfast that I should have weighed in this morning for an August 1st weight. 

My goals for August are:

1.  Lose 4 lbs.

2.  Walk every day -- 20 minute minimum (what it takes to walk around my subdivision)

3.  Drink 8 glasses of water every day.

I also want to start doing some kind of weight training or resistance training, but I haven't formulated a plan about that yet, so it probably won't happen this month.

Progress as of today: 11 lbs lost so far, only 22 lbs to go!

KathyBlue on 08/01/2010:
yeah, exercise plan is something that doesn't come in a sudden. I had my MONTHS of trying to elaborate a plan, seeing places, timetables, networks, contracts, money issues, etc... But then, I know that aerobics doesn't work with me. I'm not the one who starts doing exercises at home - happened before but it won't happen for a long time as I know myself, way too lazy, and I need some competition...

moogy on 08/01/2010:
They are good acheivable goals. You go for it girl.

hollybelle on 08/01/2010:
Great, realistix goals. You have inspired me to walk EVERYDAY in August.

just42day on 08/01/2010:
great goals for August! Good luck w/them all :)

V on 08/01/2010:
We all know you can do it!

WI3 on 08/03/2010:
Great goals, Donkey! I am so glad you are back :)

loveray on 08/04/2010:
this is a great goal list. you can definitely do this!! xo

Donkey - Wednesday Jul 28, 2010
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 157.0

Just logging in my weigh-in for the day.

I broke my walking streak yesterday.  It got too outside before I could get in a walk and then I had a sinus headache in the evening.  It was terribly humid outside yesterday.

So hopefully I will start a new streak today.  This morning was my last morning of ESL classes (where I volunteer), for the summer term, so I was unable to walk this morning.  I will take a short walk around the neighborhood this evening, weather permitting.  I usually take it easy on weigh-in day.

I'm so sick of summer though.  I welcome some cooler temperatures.  Not cold, just a wee bit cooler with not so much humidity....

Progress as of today: 11 lbs lost so far, only 22 lbs to go!

moogy on 07/28/2010:
Lots of people don't understand the whole sick of summer thing, but I do. I hate summer, I am dreading summer, I don't enjoy spring because it leads to summer. OK I will get off my soap box now - but I know how you feel. Just to breath cool refeshing air, too feel a cool refreshing breeze. Will August be hot where you are or does it start cooling down earlier than the east coast?

Maria7 on 07/28/2010:
I LOVE the fall, but am thankful for the summer at the same time. Next month the scuponong grapes will be coming in and I am looking forward to that! As for the summer, I think the humidity is the MAIN THING about summer feeling so extra warm. Anyway, I hope you have a good evening. Just hang in there. :-)

Moody3 on 07/28/2010:
Summers in WV are horribly hot and humid~specifically July and August~when I get off work at 7 in the morning, it's already humid out~and in the upper 70's usually, so I totally understand the whole "can't wait for summer to be over thing"~

Hope it cooled off enough for you to get out for a nice walk this evening!!

V on 07/28/2010:
I hear you girl! Here it is either hot or hotter! LOL

WI3 on 07/31/2010:
I agree, I've had enough of this hot humidity LOL I think it is great how far you've come. I take my hat off to you!

Donkey - Monday Jul 26, 2010
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 159.5

Still walking, still drinking water, still watching portion sizes, for the most part.

Lately, I eat and it sits heavy in my stomach.  I was thinking about this during my walk this morning.  While it is "full" almost to the uncomfortable, in some ways, it is comforting too.  This is very odd.  I know that when I say "full", it is not because I have eaten too much, because LOGICALLY, I know the content of what I have eaten.

Then there are --- or rather, now I can say "were" --- times when I felt that no matter WHAT I ate, I could not get to that point of feeling full.

I think this goes hand-in-hand with my recent bouts of feeling (not) fat.  This is quite different for me to be experiencing, after years and years of a dysfunctional relationship with my physical self.

Since I am currently unemployed, one of my biggest passions is ESL literacy advocation.  I love to help beginning students in ESL classes.  Not so much the advanced classes, where they are more comfortable with English -- or at least not so afraid to try -- but the very beginners who seem to be floating adrift in a world of English.

THESE are the people I want to help.

Anyway, I was helping in this one class for nearly a year, when this other lady started helping out too.  I could not help these feelings of competation with her, even though, LOGICALLY, I knew that there was no reason to feel this way.

She is retired. Her husband is passed. Her children are grown with children of their own. She lives in an apartment.  So she has quite a bit less than I do, at this present time.  And yet, she has more freedom, in some ways. So of course, she is going to be able to volunteer more because she has more free time.  I have my children, my house, my husband --- all of these things to tend to.  I think I was feeling resentful, yet, again, LOGICALLY, knew that this was irrational.

And she would say to me how happy she was with her life, how "full" she felt.  Between her ESL work and her work with the homeless and the health clinic (for those disenfranchised), she was content.

So I'm wondering if my feelings of "full" and "not fat" are somehow a sign that I am headed in the right direction.  I think I am.  Yesterday, during my walk, I told myself that I am not doing this to achieve some vanity goal of thinness or numbers on the scale or cardio minutes.  No, this time, I'm doing this because it's what I need to do to become a better person.

But thank God for that Logical Self, because she's the one that keeps me in check!

Progress as of today: 8.5 lbs lost so far, only 29.5 lbs to go!

moogy on 07/26/2010:
It is good that you are doing all this thinking and analizing, I think it is part of the journey. Eventually, we work it out and come out the other side feeling happy with ourselves, who we are, and what we are despite what weight we are. Keep thinking donkey, you will get there.

V on 07/26/2010:
Well said! We all find ourselves here for many different reasons but figuring out how to fix our outer shell and inner self permanently takes time love and patience. We are right here with you :)

Umpqua on 07/26/2010:
That's a great attitude. I think we need to listen to our inner voices a whole lot more - if we just pay attention and listen, the answers are often right there inside us!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 07/27/2010:
powerful entry! :-)

everything you are feeling sounds wonderful. Our bodies do tell us and give us signs when we are treating our minds/bodies well! Apparantly, when we take our time, take small steps, and try "a little less," it works out to our benefit a little more!

Between the months of feb-april, maybe even January, I was headed in a very positive direction. I was losing weight, almost 10 pounds. It is when we try to take the little steps that everything works in our favor. The moment we get greedy, want to much too fast, that's when the ball stops!

So keep on keeping on! :-)

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