So as AMAZING as yesterday was, today was not nearly as good.  Even Donkey can have a not-the-best-day-ever kind of day.

I'm trying to look back to see where things went wrong so that I can do better:

• I was late to work and therefore, arrived already stressed out because I was late.  Why was I late?  I could blame it on doing an upper body weight-training circuit thing, which I did, but the real reason I was running late was because I spent a much needed 15+ minutes organizing the cupboard that holds all of the food storage containers while I was trying to find a lid that fit a container I was using for my lunch.  So mission somewhat accomplished but to what end?  UGH.
• I was also late because I had to return home because I forgot my protein bar for breakfast.  Up until that point, I might have made it to work just slightly late.  
• I think the weight training took a little more out of me than I had thought.  I didn't feel drained but going into work, I didn't have nearly the energy I had on Tuesday.
• Instead of having protein and fat for my 2nd breakfast, I had a graprefruit.  This is because Associate Attorney had a client in the conference room where the refrigerator is kept.  Tried to do the right thing, ended up screwing myself up with that.  
• Because I didn't have a heavier 2nd breakfast, I had to eat a little something before I went for my lunchtime walk.  Had avocado and some stuffed olives.
• Walking was brutal because of the cold temperatures and wind here in Chicagoland.  Cut my walk shorter than usual, but that's OK because the energy level just wasn't there.

ASSESSMENT:  I am feeling fatigue in my legs -- strangely not my arms, since today was upper body day with the weights.  Hmmm.... I'm not eating any more, so that I can shoot for a 16 hour fast overnight.  I hope that the heaviness will go away so that I exercise well tomorrow.  Yeah, I just didn't have the amount of energy that I had on Tuesday.

Things that went well today:

• Wearing summer sleepwear to bed last night worked very well.  I did not wake up being too hot at all overnight, as I was very snug in my bed with my weighted blanket.  It was hard to get out of bed this morning, though...  Brr!  I miss my soft winter flannels though.  *sigh*
• Got in my upper body weight training in the morning - yay!  
• I focused on that 1:30p-3pm time frame where I tend to have troubles.  I had a flavored coffee (triple chocolate flavored, no calories until I put creamer in there) to help get through that time slot.  It worked.  Another idea I had was having a sugar-free Lifesaver mint, but I only have one left at work, and I'm saving that for emergencies.  The coffee worked, so I'll use that as long as it continues to work.  I'll try to pick up more mints this weekend.
• I'm not sure if this is a success or a fail:  I combined plain yogurt with ranch salad dressing for my 3pm vegetable snack.  This combo made more than I thought it would, so it looked like I had a HUGE thing of dip.  I wasn't especially hungry, but that didn't stop me from finishing up the dip and eating a bunch of raw vegetables.  Afterwards, I did not feel over-stuffed and while I was hungry for dinner, I was not starving.
• Added extra vegetables to my dinner plate.
• Stopped eating at 6:45p

ASSESSMENT:  I made the best of a rough start and got quite a bit accomplished outside of work.  Organizing, weight training, cleaning, etc.  I got a little stressed out at work, but I think for the most part kept things positive.  Not every day can be an A+ day.  Today was more like a B and that's OK too.

One thing that bothers me is this:  With my boss away from work, I feel like all of the knives are coming out between all of my co-workers.  I don't think any of it is directed at me, but wow, people are going at it like you wouldn't BELIEVE.  This is stressful, depressing, and TOXIC.  

Oh my goodness, today was just AMAZING -- after today, I am confident that I am on the right path for myself.  I haven't felt this good and healthy and motivated in a long, long time.  I will write my observations and impressions here.

I did wake up a little bit during the middle of the night, but I was not overheated, so I turned over and went back to sleep.  I could take steps to lighten up my sleepwear more, which I might try tonight.

I got good sleep (not great, but good and enough of it) last night. The energy I had this morning for my workout was amazing.  I don't know what other word to use it.  Gone is the feeling where my legs feel like lead.  Gone is the struggle to keep a brisk pace - not a problem, even surpassed myself a couple of times.  Had sufficient energy to do my lower body routine before I left for work.

I was at work, and was able to keep up my morning fast for about 14 hours.  Ideally, I would like to do 16 hours between my last bite in the evening and my first bite in the morning.  Now that I am aware and keeping track, my personal best (for 2 days) was 15.5 - and that was hard, because I was at work.  (I'm guessing with the relaxed atmospher of home, I could do the 16 hour goals; I will be trying this weekend for sure.)  I will probably get 14 hours tomorrow.

Today I was motivated and focused. I felt *special* because I'm on my Plan of Attack (what I'm calling my new plan for January, etc.).  I felt glad to be working a plan/program and not just aimlessly wandering in maintenance.  I had a focus today, which was portion control.  I had planned my meals and snacks, keeping in mind that just because it's keto doesn't mean I can eat the whole thing.  THIS worked very well for me, although once again, I did better in the morning than I did in the early afternoon.  I see now that the 1:30p - 3pm time is hard for me.  Just coming off of lunch, back to work, but still want to eat and too soon to snack at 3pm.  So this area needs to be attacked... er, needs some work.

The energy I had all day was wonderful!  I didn't feel that constant craving to eat.  I felt well-fueled, efficient and satisfied (for the most part).  I was taking my lunchtime walk (which I try to do before I eat), and I challenged myself to take the rare, longer route before the weather turns colder tonight.  This longer walk usually takes me 45 minutes to an hour.  It's a real struggle.  I was back at my desk in 40 minutes and still felt good, i.e. not starving.  As I was walking, I was like, "This is how I want to feel every day. Where has this feeling been all my life?"  Balanced, well-fueled, active & feeling energized, not exhausted, not drained, not starving.

I truly believe, now, looking back, that I went through some kind of mini-keto flu last weekend when I wasn't feeling 100%.  Not professing to be in a metabolic state of "ketosis" -- although maybe I should go buy some pee strips to see -- but the higher fats, high protein, limiting carbs seems to be working really well for me.  Not that I haven't had to make adjustments, of course.  Again, while I was walking, it dawned on me like, "Even if this means weighing 2-3 pounds heavier, feeling like this and being able to crank out workouts and such is WORTH IT!"

I can only hope that the scale will stay within an acceptable range to Crazy Donkey, because Mature Donkey is so excited about this!!!

So after wandering aimlessly for 7 days, I have a new plan for maintenance for myself.  My goal is to stick with this plan through January.  If I see the progress I want, I will give it another month (February).  If I do not see progress, or things start going in the other direction -- meaning gaining too much weight that isn't muscle -- then I must try something different.

I've been doing more of the keto eating, but haven't quite figured it out yet.  My co-worker, the Million Mistakes Girl, said to me on Friday, "Well, you don't want to lose more weight, do you?"  and I made up a mature, sane answer, and said, "No, but I'm hoping that keto will help me with a leaner appearance."  She seemed satisfied with that.  At the time, I didn't really mean it, but there was the answer right in front of me the whole time.

I am hoping that a shift in menu, to higher fats, will go hand in hand with the weight training, to help me get a leaner look, rather than a "puffy carb" appearance.  I have to be careful with portions, still, and that's the part I didn't really realize.  One of the problems with eating foods higher in fat is that after I stop eating, the "full" feeling turns into a "really full" feeling about 20 minutes later, as my body works to break down the fats.  

Both Saturday and Sunday nights, I've woken up around midnight, just feeling like I'm on fire.  It's not hot flashes, but rather my metabolism kicking it up, trying to burn up what I ate.  I know this because this would always happen after an evening binge.  So I've adjusted the covers on the bed, so as not to have that many layers.  I think I will change my sleepwear outfit as well, in anticipation of getting MUCH warner later on.  And I will work harder on portion control. 

Today, I did better the first half of the day than I did in the afternoon.  Too many pepperoni and cheese with the raw vegetables, I feel.  That may be because the fats make me feel like I've eaten too much -- but who knows, maybe I really did eat too much!

I haven't made up my mind yet about weigh-ins.  On the one hand, this is an experiment, so I have to give it time.  On the other hand, I can't have the numbers go TOO high or it's back to losing weight again.  But I am prepared for some of the mind-games weighing will do, during this experiment.

Having gained weight this past week has given me cause to think about my next steps in this journey.  Nothing like gaining a few pounds to draw one's attention!  It actually brought me back to the idea that this is the year of "remodeling" myself, inside and out.  I had kind of let this idea fade to the back of my mind, unfortunately.  I must remember to keep this in the forefront.

I've decided that, even if the weight gain is related to weight training (((which is really more like toning -- I don't want to give the impression that I'm trying to bulk up, at least not right now I'm not))) that this is something I want to continue to do.  Training for significantly larger muscles (especially in the upper body) could be something to aspire to in the future, but not where I want to go right now.  So I'm sticking with the weight traning.  Need to tone up and try to tighten up as much loose skin as possible.

Pursuing a keto lifestyle doesn't mean that I can eat as much as I want.  Some folks can and still lose weight or maintain.  I will be using keto items to help satiate, that is to say, to help me feel fuller, faster and longer.  I still need to be focused on fruits and vegetables as much as possible.

I've been quite pleased with the extra sleep I got Friday night and Saturday night... now just to do this every night.  Last week, I hadn't reached even my minimum goal of 7 hours for most of the nights.  I need to really try harder to get that 7 hour mark, especially in the winter, with colds, flu, and sinus infections coming at me from every direction.

Still would like to incorporate yoga/stretching into my life on more than just a monthly basis with Chair Yoga.  This would also help with my "less negative, more relaxed, more positive" outlook.  I've made a switch from where I just complain to where I complain but then attack the problem.  I would like to graduate to just attacking the problem with no or little complaining.

To recap where I'm at:

• Continue weight-training, screw the numbers on the scale.
• Continue a moderate keto plan, but eat more vegetables and fruit, whether they are deemed "keto" or not, e.g. grapefruit, eggplant, carrot sticks, etc.
• Make a concerted effort to get enough sleep every night.
• Make a conerted effort to stretch out, relax, and decompress more often, on a regular basis.
• Continue to declutter, even on the smallest level.  Contribute to my designated "to be donated" pile every week (food pantry, clothing drive, library, Goodwill, etc.)
• Clean something out of the ordinary every week; continue to clean 15 minutes a day, even if it's the routine kitchen clean-up during the workweek.

---

AFTERNOON EDIT:  Well, if anyone thought it would be easy on maintenance, I can tell you that by way things are going today, it is not.  I've been struggling with the Christmas can of salted nuts (mostly almonds & pecans) that my mom gave our family as a gift.  

Part of the problem is constipation, and in order to get things moving along, my body seems to think that eating more is a good idea.  I've taken some oil to help things along once they get moving, but OOF! so uncomfortable --- on many levels.

Today's weigh-in just goes to show that there is no "before" and "after".  I remember a phrase from one of the Harrpy Potter books:  CONSTANT VIGILANCE!  I think that would apply to my situation.

In trying not to be discouraged, I am remembering some advice from fellow DD-er's:  this is just a snapshot in time and not reflective of anything permanent or long-term.  And that this is just one aspect of my life, that it doesn't have to reflect on the other parts of my life or my day... except with respect to anything that I eat.

This gain could be due to a number of factors:  salt bloat, mild constipation, hormones, feeling like I'm fighting something all week (sinus infection? flu?), shortage of decent sleep, all of the above, some of the above, none of the above...

Not sure if it has to do with the shift to higher fats a la keto, but that's something I've considered.  Also, even though I've done low-carb now for a while, I've considered the possibility that with the recent changes in diet, that yesterday's feeling might have been a slight case of the "keto flu".... maybe.  Daughter is sick with a sinus infection, husband complained he didn't feel well this morning, Girl Who Makes A Million Mistakes has been sick (and at work) for the past 2 weeks...

One thing, I've been fairly consistent with some weight-training, and once again, I'm wondering if that has something to do with the higher number.  It seems as though EVERY time I start working with weights, the numbers on the scale go up.  Just an observation, because it's EVERY.  TIME.  And it's not even heavy weights.  Just sayin'...

Chair Yoga went well last night.  I hadn't realized how tense I was, physically speaking, until we were stretching out.  Wow...  and it wasn't even a really stressful day, although I did have several LONG telephone conversations with needy clients.  Another thing I noticed is how limited my husband's mobility has become.  It's just sad to see it, but he said he had a good time. We should continue to do this, as long as the husband is willing.

I ended up ordering a salad rather than the salad bar, afterwards.  It's a nice little low-key date night.

Oh one thing that I wanted to mention --- I meant to add this to my goals for 2019 --- and this is on my plan for this weekend is to really catch up on my sleep.  Once again, I have not slept enough this week, even with the weighted blanket.  The one night I thought I had gotten enough sleep, the FitBit didn't register a sleeping pattern until just after midnight.  I'm not sure if it was a malfunction of the FitBit or if something was going on where my body had physically not dropped into one of the various sleep stages... not sure. So last night, I went to bed at around 9:30p and slept in until 6:30a-ish, rather than getting up at my usual 5am or 5:30a.  I MUST GET MORE SLEEP.  

EVENING EDIT:  I didn't talk about this, but I did some cleaning last weekend and prepped for some donating/decluttering this weekend.  Haven't done much cleaning this weekend, except for laundry and the normal kitchen clean-up.  Oh I did clear up the basement floor, so that counts, especially since that took some effort and I needed help from my son.  I will be taking 2 batches of books to the library to donate.  It's a small start, but it's a start.

I made low-carb "garlic knots" with fathead dough to go with the chicken soup (made with bone broth that my husband made earlier this week - delicious!).  I ended up having to make the "knots" into "knobs" because the dough was unworkable once it cooled down (which I did because I read somewhere that the dough is easier to work with when it has set and chilled for a little bit).  

I'm enjoying trying to make these new creations.  I'm not normally one to cook or bake - the less I have to do with food, the better, is how I've always felt.  But now, I'm enjoying the process, rather than trying to run away from it.

Logging in at work, on my phone, as I am really struggling today.  I am SO hungry today, but I do not think it is true hunger.   I do not know if I am getting sick,  or if I am tired,  or what is going on.  I am not sure if I will be up to weighing in tomorrow...

Tonight is Chair Yoga with my husband,  and then date night at the local mom & pop diner,  which has a salad bar.  That sounds just about right to me,  but I might change my mind.  Afterall that holiday eating, I am not that enthusiastic about eating out, but oh well...

Wow, what an exciting day I had! 

It started off before I even left the house for work, with an idea that I had for our Associate Attorney.  I texted him the idea, so that if he wanted to follow through with my idea, he'd have time to think it over and plan it out.  I admit that I was kind of excited about my idea.  Then, at work, with the boss gone, I was busier at work, with emails and correspondences.  Before I knew it, it was time to leave for the well & septic seminar.  I met up with the attorney there, and he LOVED my idea!  And like I had hoped, he thought about it and planned out what he was doing to do during the long drive from home to the courthouse, and then from the courthouse to the restaurant/seminar.  He was really enthusiastic about my idea!

Anyway, back to diet-chat, much to my relief, we were able to order off of a limited menu with a choice of two:  soup, salad, sandwich, pasta.  Perfect!  I chose something quite keto and delicious: roast beef sandwich (without the bread) with 2 types of cheese and a wedge salad with bacon and bleu cheese.  So delicious and filling!

But the information in the seminar was so interesting!  (LOL bear with me here.)  I almost didn't want to eat, I was so enmeshed in the presentation about septic systems gone bad.  Fascinating!  And yes, the Power Point presentation had many, many pictures of malfunctioning septic tanks, septic fields, septic trenches, broken wells, contaminated wells, etc.  My hunger for septic knowledge surpasses my hunger for food!  [This probably makes me rather unique, I realize that.]

When I returned to work, I was quite busy, as the seminar/lunch kept me away from the emails for 3 hours.  Much of the work to be done revolved around files that are getting ready to close next week.  There is much to be done from the time the loan is ready until we close, so I was busy about that.  But, the Associate Attorney thanked me again for my idea (in front of others) and followed through on it.  I hope that my boss finds out about this when he returns.  I actually have a LOT of ideas for our Associate Attorney, but I realize that I have to approach this in very small steps, because I don't want to step on other people's toes in the office.

So anyway, I'm at my desk and at around 4:30p, my husband texts me urgently that my son has been called by the Air Force recruiter to meet him at the recruiting office ASAP to take his push-up test right then and there.  Oh. My. Goodness.  My son's entire future to be decided in less than an hour.  If he passes, then he will rejoin the military.  If he fails, then I do not know what, because, frankly, Plan B was not very hopeful or fruitful.  I didn't know what else to do, so I asked for prayers on Facebook.  On my way home, I had this feeling that he had failed - hard to explain, just had a feeling.  Could not fathom what on earth he would do if he failed this test, after all that training.

But this was for naught, because when I arrived at home, I found out that he had passed his push-up test and surprassed the required minimum, by doing 38 in a minute.  This is not his personal best, which I believe is 45 push-ups in a minute, but all he had to do was do 33, and he did it.  I was so relieved and thankful and happy.  My son was upset that I posted on Facebook, although I kept it very vague.  I told him that once folks knew that everything was OK, that I would delete the post.  Actually, I'm not going to delete it but rather change the privacy setting so that only I can see it in my timeline.

Wow, what a day!  Let's see if I can get to sleep after such a day!

Kind of a mish-mash day, but I'll try to keep things focused on diet, etc.

Today was my boss' last day for about a month, while he spends January in Florida.  This is something that he does every year.  In some ways, I couldn't wait for him to leave.  I find myself growing so impatient with the office small-talk lately:  what did you get for Christmas? what did you have for dinner?  how was the evening last night? blah blah blah.  On the other hand, I *feel* very unprepared for his absence this time.  I know that I'm not:  I've done this for at least 3 years, our associate attorney is here, I have knowledgeable co-workers with whom I can consult, and the workload is still relatively light.  But his absence will mean more work and more responsibility for me, and the thought of that is stressing me out.

NOTE TO HORN:  I can totally relate when you talk about your mind being on Florida.  That has been my boss since Christmas.

Tomorrow, the Associate Attorney and I are attending a well & septic seminar luncheon.  If you are questioning the compatability of discussing septic systems while eating lunch, you are not alone.  The Nice Lady co-worker said, Gee, I hope they don't have a slide show with pictures of septic systems gone wrong.  Yeah I hope not either - right?  This will be very helpful knowledge to have, since we've had so many transactions that have had septic issues (some well issues too, but those are usually not as complicated as septic), so I have REALLY been wanting to attend something like this -- JUST NOT AT LUNCH.

Secondly, the luncheon is at an Italian restaurant that I am not a fan of.  I am not a fan of the restaurant due to a previous experience with bad service there.  Husband and I haven't been back since.  PLUS, now that I'm embracing low-carb/keto life, eating a bunch of pasta really isn't helpful.

Thirdly, I'm going with the Associate Attorney, who I have mixed feelings about.  As you know, from past entries, I have mixed feelings about ALL of my co-workers (except Queen Bee; her I pretty much do not like and know this for sure).  I'm very particular about who I will eat with....  Well, I guess if he sat across from me at the Office Christmas Party, it won't be too bad going to this with him.

Side note:  Hormone issues made for a painful day and possibly contributed to the unexplained back spasms I had this morning, until the OTC pain relievers kicked in.   Ovulation is a *****.  (Sorry, Maria, for the swears.)

(Note to Self:  no New Year's Day weigh-in.  Use this number from last weigh-in on 12/29.)

Had Chinese take-out with the family and then settled in to watch Twilight Zone for the rest of the evening.  My daughter went to a party held by her best friend from high school, but came home at 12:30a due to not feeling well. The rest of us did our own thing, which is fine.  Nice and quiet.

Despite managing to stay up until 11:04p, I woke up at 5am -- got out of bed at 5:20a -- to do my usual exercise routine.  I realize - now - that I haven't really stated any goals for 2019, but these are a few things I would like to work on:

1. Conscious relaxation - physical and mental/emotional.  Ideally, on a daily basis:  stretching/yoga, deep breathing, prayer.
2. Keeping a cleaner house.  15 minutes daily.  Will invest $ in getting the house deep-cleaned, which will then be easier to maintain. Start a decluttering habit.
3. Changing my relationship with food.  Exploring and trying keto recipes, having fun with this, rather than seeing restrictions.

I'll be seeing a doctor on January 18th.  I haven't been to the doctor since 2009? 2010?  Time to get an assessment.   

I think that I have a small touch of a cold/sinius infection, which I am doing my best to avoid becomeing full-blown congestions.  

I did go to the church-lady dinner, and I'm glad that I did, but while I had planned to leave at 6pm, I didn't get out of there until closer to 8:45p.  It was 9p when I got home.  It was a smaller group this time, and most of the "fun" gals didn't show up, but I appreciated the smallness of the group.  It was 4 older, widowed women (except for 1 whose husband has Parkinsons), and then 3 of us "younger" (meaning 40-50) gals, of which I was the only married one; the other 2 are divorced.  It was interesting to hear the older women talking because I figure that's me in about 15-20 years, presuming I stay in good health.  Or if not me, then where my mom is at now.  The anniversary of my step-father's passing is coming up in January....  

Anyway, back to diet-chat, not very keto/low-carb friendly at all.  Long story short, I ended up having a small green salad, and Italian sausage and meatballs (probably made with bread crumbs, so now low-carb).  I passed on the mostaccioli.  And I could not resist nibbling -- I swear, literal nibbles - on a few cookies.  Why can't I just pass this stuff up?????  SO FRUSTRATED -- to me, this tells me that I'm not really in maintenance, still needs work on that.

Which brings me to a realization I had this morning, when I read Gains entry (& Bear's comment) and Bear's entry.  Gains mentioned today that he is tired; yesterday he wrote about incorporating (maybe) some kind of fitness goal once he reaches maintenance.  Bear mentioned that she's looking forward to a time when she doesn't have to count points any more.  THIS is what I'm struggling with, but just couldn't identify properly. 

I'M AFRAID OF BEING IN MAINTENANCE.  Is this why I lost more weight after my goal weight?  Is that why I'm trying keto?  Shouldn't maintenance be about being able to relax a little?  It seems to me as though there should be some incorporation of beingn able to relax a little bit.  For example, perhaps my dinner outing last night WAS a successful practice of wise choices and moderation.  So why doesn't it FEEL like a success?  Last night's dinner as a "maintenance success" just occured to me -- I was looking at it as a keto failure rather than a maintenance success - if it was that; it certainly didn't feel like a success....

I guess what it comes down to is that I'm not comfortable in this "After" life:  loose clothing, new wasy of eating, consistent (compulsive?) on the exercising.  Wow...