It has been a difficult week. Just bad all the way around. Stress, depression, tension, bloat, weight gain, discouragement.
I am stuck. I have tried and tried and nothing has worked. I don't know what else to try.
I am tired. I am hungry. I am sad.
Progress as of today: 39.5 lbs lost so far, only 10.5 lbs to go!
OK, now I know what I weigh, and to be honest, I am surprised that I don't weigh more. I was half-way expecting to see something around 142. Then I thought, "Gee, what if the scale says 147.5?"
So this is ok. And I'm wondering if I am starting another "hit" to my metabolism. Every 5 years or so, starting around 20, 21, 22 -- a woman's metabolism slows down and everything "shifts" a bit. I doubted the person who told me this initially, but over the years, I have come to realize that she was right.
(This bit of wisdom spoken by my very first Exercise Buddy.)
And now that I am approaching 39 this month, it seems as though this is what might be happening to my body. 130 seems **impossible** to reach at this point.
But it's not. At least I don't think so. I'm not giving up. But I will say that with this "shift" in body has come a "shift" in perspective. I'm not so hung up on the number on the scale. I'm much more focused on athletic pursuits. Not that I'm indifferent to the number or that I wouldn't L-O-V-E to be at a lower weight.
It's just now I can see that it's just a number. It won't bring me love or acceptance or self-confidence or anything like that. It's me, as I am right now, just less.
Anyway, my point is this: If what you're doing isn't working, be patient. If it's still not working, then it's time to try a new approach.
Progress as of today: 41.5 lbs lost so far, only 8.5 lbs to go!
I have no idea what I currently weigh. I guess I'm sticking my head in an oat bag and hiding from reality. Most of my days are sorrowful. You would try to hide too.
I was doing well, until most recently. Both Thursday and Friday did not end well, foodwise. Thursday, I let it slide, but last night I finally had to admit that I was self-medicating with food.
My husband says, "What can I do to fix this? What can I do to help you feel better?" But truth be told, nothing can be done. The past can't be changed or fixed or erased. There's just too much pain.
I'm glad I have had this opportunity to say that. Thank you, Diet Diaries.
Progress as of today: 42 lbs lost so far, only 8 lbs to go!
don't hide. the more you hide, the worse your eating/binging will get.
My weight shot up today. Feeling very bloated. So hopefully this will pass.
I started running again today. It was either that or sink deeper into depression, and I didn't like the thoughts I was starting to have. So I went for a run. It was good, but my lower back hurt. It is very windy here today, which makes it hard to run, too. I would have rather have run in the morning, but due to my 9yr old's social calendar, I had to put it off until the afternoon.
On the happy side, 7 days binge free! And I'm in the 3rd? 4th? week of weight training, with visible improvement in my arms & chest, perhaps abs, too, if I didn't have loose skin from having had 2 huge babies a decade+ ago.
Progress as of today: 42 lbs lost so far, only 8 lbs to go!
i know i'm babbling to you...i don't think you'll mind lol.
i don't know...congrats on your binge free days. something that helps me not binge is not always eating too little...like, i know it may NOT be feasible for me to have many 1200 cal days in a row and i don't aim that low. but, if it works out that way, great. if it doesn't, i've just been happy for it to work out to whatever "low" number i can. i am trying to be happy with my efforts and not be too judgemental or harsh with myself. that's not a life i want to live - to degrade, punish, harrass myself. it's not good. and i know you agree.
so i'm working at it, slowly but surely.
I really push myself when I exercise and at my current weight, that is a problem becus this body just can't handle it. Part of it is that when I'm exercising - I'm in control, you know? Anyway - gotta work up to, got to accept I can't do it all overnight.
Hope you're having a good week!
My current weight is approximate. This is what I weighed on Friday morning, after not eating enough (or my usual amount) on Thursday. So perhaps my weight is up a little.
Like biscottibody, I most recently had a reality check with my scale. After a "lost weekend" of eating chips and salsa -- which are NOT my favorite foods at all (I'm more of an ice cream or chocolate or sweets person) -- my scale reported to me that I weighed 140.5. And this was after a day of getting back on track. So I am guessing that my weight reached even higher numbers after the weekend.
But a week of getting back on track has brought me back to the very edge of maintenance range. I've readjusted my progress bar, because I think I should give myself credit for all that I have accomplished in this journey.
So let me begin this entry with an update of where this month has taken me:
1. I won the cardio contest at the gym with 7950 minutes of cardio exercise in 60 days. First prize was a free 6-month gym membership!
I did not lose any weight during this contest. The carb cravings at the beginning and end were awful. The pains that I was feeling at the beginning of the contest (foot, knee, hip, back) eventually cleared up, with the exception of my back, which is a long-standing injury and will rear its ugly head now and then regardless of exercise.
So I am happy to report that I am injury free!
2. I recently ended therapy. According to the therapist, I was pretty much done, but then at the last session, he said I didn't have to quit if I felt there was more to work on. WTF? First you tell me, done. Then you say, maybe not? No, no more. After 2 weeks of crying and feeling lost, while coming to terms with "this is as good as I'm going to get", then he pulls this trick out the hat?
No, no more back and forth. I think I need to live my life and accept my New Reality (as Elizabeth Edwards calls it in her book, "Resilience" -- which I highly recommend if you are trying to overcome a life-changing tragic event in your life).
All the therapy in the world isn't going to change things. And no, I haven't forgiven myself for what has happened, but I don't know that I ever could. And I have to live with that. That is my New Reality.
Enough of that.
3. I have not yet resumed running, due to the awful heat and humidity in the Chicago area. However, I do plan to do so soon. A new challenge. And cathartic as well. Nothing cleanses the soul more than running.
4. I have resumed my focus on weight training now that my time at the gym is mine and not the contest's. I can definitely feel (and see) changes in my arms. I do not see changes in my "fat donkey" or my "tree trunk legs", but perhaps I can no longer be objective about them. I know that running will help with their appearance, assuming I could ever see them realistically.
5. I have not made any progress on job hunting or returning to school. I have done quite a few volunteer activities though, which has helped me somewhat, although I still feel as though I am part of the Living Dead. Not really alive, but just going through the motions of life until my physical being catches up with my inner self.
No, I said enough of that, now.
One thing I have learned is that this is truly a journey. And when bad things happen, it simply means that we are meant to take a different path in life at that time. I have also learned that for myself, I don't learn so much from the successes in life, but more so with the failures. I think it is the failures that guide my path more than anything else.
I have wanted to resume my writing here on DD on a more regular basis, but just didn't get to that point, but now I think I am ready to utlize this site more, and see where the rest of the year takes me. Then I will re-evaluate again. I am wondering if perhaps this year will mark the end of my weight loss and that again, I need to accept my weight for what it is. Just as I need to do for so many other things in my life. Accept.
Progress as of today: 45 lbs lost so far, only 5 lbs to go!
You "sound" so good in this entry--thanks for the heads up on the book--I'll add it to my list! I saw/heard her interviewed and I wasn't too hep'd up to read it, but I always appreciate a well-written thoughtful book!
That old saying "time heals all wounds" is such crap on some level. Time and work and thought and distraction begins to heal some wounds--that's what my experience might say! We can be sooo very hard on ourselves and at some point we have to find a way to let up!
Have a good Saturday!
I thought I would just check in before the month ends. I check in daily, but I have felt uninspired to write anything with relation to weight loss. I guess, maybe because I haven't really lost anything. I've struggled to stay away from the 140 mark, as a matter of fact.
But I have noticed that now that the weather has turned warmer that I am not eating as much. It's just easier to restrict calories in the warmer weather. I wonder if my ED is seasonal, like SAD.
I am winning the cardio contest at the gym, but I felt like I have sold my soul to the devil for 2 months. It was very, very painful at the beginning. My foot hurt, my knee hurt, then I started having hip problems.... But believe it or not, after 2 (or 3?) weeks of pain, I started becoming resistant to the pain. And now I'm feeling nearly injury free.
And I can do 3 hours of cardio (at a lower intensity) and feel like I could go another hour if I wasn't hungry and stinky.
One thing that this contest made me realize is that I have been overtraining my body for nearly 2 years, if not more. I really need to tone it down and use my heart rate as a good indication as to whether I am doing effective cardio or working too hard. Exercise should not be punitive.
So once June gets here -- or maybe after the contest is over (june 15th), I plan to cut back on the cardio and pump up the weight training and maintain the nutrition.
I don't want another summer like I had last year. OK, that's a lie. I would *love* to be 116, but it's not healthy for me to be there. So I tell myself these lies so I don't go insane....
Progress as of today: 0.5 lbs lost so far, only 4.5 lbs to go!
Your ED is "eating disorder" I know... But, at first all I could think about was Viagra commercials..
Happy days!!!!!
you MUST have built some nice muscle, with all that cardio! do you do 3 hours at once? if so, you really SHOULD have like a vitamin water sipping on and off starting 30-45 minutes into your cardio exercise. you will DEFINITLY be able to do more. even drinking water, since i don't do usually over an hour of exercise, helps me do MUCH better with cardio than without.
i want the weight to come off faster, i'm so impatient. i see skinny girls and say, "why don't i just not eat these snacks??" but then i know it'll lead to a binge. so i'm trying to eat the snacks and eat sorta balanced, but more carbs, bc that is what helps with exercise and energy etc.
So the numbers are starting to come down again, slowly....
Tonight the kids have a music concert at the school, and I am really dreading it. For reasons I'm not going to go into here, I have a lot of trouble with large groups of children. I also have a VERY hard time doing anything with the school district.
So I"m not sure if it's being around children or if it's being in the school that is bothering me.
But I started feeling kinda binge-y there. Had my dessert (almonds) before dinner. And then started thinking about diving into the peanut butter.
But I did not. I had dinner instead. And now I"m having a cup of coffee and reading Horn of Plenty's diary. I think it's a good thing I do not have access to the ice cream.
Having said this about having problems with children and the school district, I have decided to **challenge** myself next school year by becoming a member of the PTA. My goal is to go to the monthly meetings. This is definitely stepping out of my comfort zone, but it's something I want to try to do.
Gotta keep challenging myself, even in these small, insignificant ways.
Progress as of today: -2 lbs lost so far, only 7 lbs to go!
Here is to a much better May than April was... :-)
try not to let the little kids bother you donkey...it's not worth your while.
Thought I'd check in for the beginning of a new month. I see the last time I was here, I weighed around 135. Ouch.
April was a very difficult month. Painful.
I'm determined to see things from a glass-half-full point-of-view this month though.
Progress as of today: -5.5 lbs lost so far, only 10.5 lbs to go!
i say let's try to ignore some of the stupidity out there. let's realize that nobody's perfect and feel sorry for those people that get you down and upset you.
i tried the half full deal this afternoon. i exercised at the park, got pretty wet from the rain that all of a sudden came down at mile 2.5, drove home, went to the GYM and exercised on the elliptical for 30 minutes with wet pants in the front only thankfully and keeping my sweatshrit on. i had to do it, for me. it felt good.
keep going. don't stop. for when you do, it is VERY hard to go back. we all want to succeed....and you know what, we are succeeding. even if you don't see it, you are. you definitely did all these past few months. sometimes we are at a hault, and bridge we must pass which is difficult. we cannot always continue to improve without some stones in the road. let the stones make you stronger. i am speaking positively to help you realize there is a rainbow beyond this storm. trust me, i'm there with you all the way. the students i'm in class with this year and unlike anyone i've ever went to school with in the past. and i guess the goal is just to get though it. deal with the punches. life is not always what we expect. it is tough. :(
I didn't want to leave my diary on a low note, so I thought I would post today, since I am feeling much more optimistic and hopeful. And I am grateful because I truly believed that I was headed towards a very, very deep depression (again).
I think this shows that I've become more resillient. I have my husband's support to thank for that, this time around.
My gym is starting up a cardio challenge after Easter, and I have signed up. So as far as this weight loss journey is concerned, I will be focusing 90% of my efforts on cardio -- hey, first prize is a free gym membership!
This is exactly what I needed, because nothing gives me a can-do feeling more than cardio (although lately, weight training has been stepping up to the plate). After the gym challenge is over, I plan to return to weight training. In fact, I may pare down my cardio WAY DOWN and really pump up the weight training.
But I'll cross that bridge when I get to it! Here's to a great weekend!
Progress as of today: -0.5 lbs lost so far, only 5.5 lbs to go!
Best & happy thoughts sent your direction Donkey.... I truely mean that, as I hate to see anyone suffer or have difficulties when they are trying so hard to be on top of their game....
Good Day!
I had popcorn the other day, but it was dry air popped stuff, I put some spray butter on it, at least the salt stuck to it LOL.
I hope your plans are a little clearer now and you are feeling stronger. I know it goes back and forth.
I hope you had a fantastic day today.
I am glad that you have pulled yourself up outta your funk~I HATE funks..really, I know how you feel..and I HATE knowing Im in a funk and wanting to climb out of it..Sometimes I succeed and sometimes I succumb..I'm glad you Succeeded!!!! Yay!!!!
And good luck on the Easter challenge at the gym!! I love that idea~and I bet you will kick some major ass!!! Keep us posted!! HUGZZZ!!!!
I'm just checking in for the first of the month. My weight was actually 137.5 on April 1st, due to some bingeing and then some popcorn eating too. (Too many carbs.)
But I'm back in maintenance range now.
I"m also checking in because I'm going through a very rough time right now. I"ve had a change in plans and it sort of set me back quite a bit. So ... I'm not sure what comes next, and I think until I figure out what DOES come next or whatever, that I'm going to keep quiet. I can't think clearly when I'm depressed like this.
Progress as of today: 0.5 lbs lost so far, only 4.5 lbs to go!
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whats been going on for you? get out of your own head somehow...maybe go buy some flowers and bring them as a surprise to a friend! i love you- hope you are better soon
nenak on 07/12/2009:
seems like a fairly big hole youve dug yourself! try being with others or doing something nice and different, concentrate on other things and find the ladder to get you out of that dark place. good luck